LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN (2006) **

Lucky Number Slevin is yet another one of those Tarantino knockoffs that somehow were still being made long after their expiration date.  This one at least has Pulp Fiction’s Bruce Willis on board playing a soft-spoken hitman named “Mr. Goodkat”.  While it’s good seeing Bruce alongside such name actors like Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley, their talents largely go untapped. 

This is one of those crime comedies that feature hitmen, gangsters, and hoods that have names like “The Boss” and “The Rabbi” and characters that make pop culture references during casual conversation (Columbo, James Bond, and Hitchcock among them).  Tarantino had a knack for making this kind of stuff seem effortlessly hip.  In director Paul (Push) McGuigan’s hands, it seems forced and unfunny. 

The film feels more like a string of vignettes in search of a plot than anything.  Some of them work better than others, but the longwinded flashbacks that feature unnecessary slow motion are pretty annoying.  The final plot twist is predictable, although it might not have been so bad if it wasn’t for the constant back-and-forth with all the flashbacks. 

Star Josh Hartnett doesn’t do a bad job when he’s just hanging around in a bath towel and trying to convince everyone he isn’t a hitman.  When he’s actually called upon to do some assassinating, he’s rather unconvincing.  He does have a nice rapport with Lucy Liu and their scenes together are easily the best thing about the film.  Their chemistry helps keep you interested, even when the movie is contently spinning its wheels. 

AKA:  The Wrong Man.  AKA:  Slevin.

RED ZONE CUBA (1966) ½ *

Red Zone Cuba features all of writer/director/star Coleman Francis’s hallmarks:  Long scenes of people sitting around drinking coffee, people flying airplanes, a hero being gunned down in cold blood in the finale, and confusing editing.  I’m all for auteurs indulging their creative instincts, but this is Coleman Francis we’re talking about here.  If you thought The Skydivers or The Beast of Yucca Flats was bad, wait ‘til you get a load of this. 

Francis really outdid himself on this one.  He takes the incoherence he pioneered in Beast and doubles down.  You know the editing is bad when we don’t even know what country our heroes are in.  There’s a scene where Francis’s escaped convict character and his buddies flee from their Cuban prison and return to the States within the span of a jump cut.  Maybe it would be easier to figure out if Arizona didn’t look exactly like Cuba. 

The plot is an exercise in delirium.  Francis joins up with a band of freedom fighters to evade capture by the police.  He and his team storm the beaches of Cuba (they look like kids filming a war movie in their mom’s backyard), are captured, and get imprisoned.  While they await execution, Coleman and his cohorts escape and return home seeking to fleece the widow of one of their cellmates.  

The only thing saving Red Zone Cuba from being a No Stars movie is the presence of John Carradine.  His brief cameo doesn’t add much to the film, but the fact that he sings the theme song (“Night Train to Mundo Fine”) definitely makes it memorable.  Too bad the 90 minutes that follows the song it is thoroughly dreadful. 

AKA:  Night Train to Mundo Fine.

REACH ME (2014) *

Writer/director John Herzfeld’s 2 Days in the Valley was one of the best of the Tarantino knockoffs of the ‘90s.  Herzfeld’s Reach Me sometimes plays like a companion piece to that film as it features an assorted bunch of underworld thugs clashing with a gaggle of oddballs while Danny Aiello bitches about a dog.  The multi-character narrative is actually closer to something like Magnolia, except it sucks.  In fact, this might be Herzfeld’s worst movie, which is really something when you consider he also directed Two of a Kind. 

The plot is a slipshod of vignettes that revolve around a self-help book written by mysterious anonymous author.  Sylvester Stallone plays an editor who sends a naïve journalist to find the author.  I know Stallone and Herzfeld are friends and all (Herzfeld had a bit part in Cobra and directed the behind-the-scenes documentary for The Expendables), but Sly should stop doing Herzfeld favors.  This might be Sly’s worst performance and his worst movie, which is really something when you consider he also starred in Party at Kitty and Stud's. 

Sly can’t do much with his indifferently written character.  There’s one odd scene where he tries to give the journalist a pep talk, but it winds up sounding like a speech from out of a Rambo movie.  We also get a perplexing scene where he gives the journalist a severe dressing-down while painting.  You see, because it’s supposed to be funny that a tough guy like Sly would be talking about colors and textures and mood. 

Most of the all-star cast don’t fare much better.  Tom Sizemore just kind of Tom Sizemores around as a loudmouth gangster.  (The jury is still out on whether or not his is his worst movie though.)  Tom Berenger is thoroughly wasted as the reclusive author and Cary Elwes isn’t given enough screen time to make his jerk character click.   

The only actors who flirt with rising above the material are Kyra Sedgwick as a jailbird who wants to be a fashion designer and Thomas Jane as a cop who guns down people Wild West style.  Jane’s scenes could’ve been fleshed out and made for a decent DTV action flick.  I especially liked the scenes where he confesses his crimes to a priest (Aiello) and asks forgiveness.  However, since his character is shoehorned in with the rest of the bunch, his arc is rushed and is resolved unsatisfyingly.  One thing you can say for Jane:  At least this isn’t his worst movie.  (That would be The Mutant Chronicles.)   

AKA:  Bad Luck.  AKA:  Out of Sight.  AKA:  Collection.

FREE FIRE (2017) ** ½

You know that scene in every action movie where the good guy gets winged by the villain’s bullet and he hides behind a corner and taunts his enemy?  Free Fire is like a feature length version of that scene.  It features an assorted group of oddballs coming to a dilapidated warehouse to do an arms deal.  Two of the men get to fighting, words are exchanged, and pretty soon, everyone has their guns drawn.  They get off a couple shots and everyone winds up shot and ducking for cover.  The rest of the film is nothing more than the characters angling for position, firing off shots, and trying to worm their way out of the situation. 

This is a rather audacious idea, but unfortunately director Ben (High Rise) Wheatley allows things to run on much too long for it to be entirely successful.  In many ways, it feels like someone’s first movie, given the single location, the fair amount of black comedy, and the sometimes-cheesy tough guy banter.  You’d think someone as seasoned as Wheatley would be able to make it work though.  While there are some funny stretches and an occasional clever gag, the whole thing never quite clicks. 

This must have been an interesting and challenging concept for Wheatley.  How do you make a shootout last for virtually an entire hour?  Although Wheatley doesn’t quite pull it off, in retrospect, it’s amazing just how much mileage Wheatley and his cast got out of the premise.    

On the outset, Free Fire looks like one of those ‘90s inspired Tarantino crime comedies (right down to the cheesy ‘70s fashions).  Really, it’s more like a DTV action movie with a slightly better pedigree.  It has a single location, claustrophobic action, and an eclectic cast.  I can’t quite pull the trigger and call it a “good” film, but it’s definitely a near-miss.

THE IRON FIST ADVENTURES (1972) **

No, this doesn’t have anything to do with that Marvel Comics guy.  It’s actually a ho-hum Jimmy Wang Yu movie.  Yu of course is most famous for playing The One-Armed Swordsman.  I guess this flick proves two arms aren’t necessarily better than one. 

Jimmy goes riding around with his loyal band of followers looking for the men who killed his brothers in battle.  Along the way, he gets framed for the death of a beloved leader and is arrested and put on trial.  After finally proving his innocence, he goes toe to toe with the crooked warlord who imprisoned him. 

You know, for a movie called The Iron Fist Adventures, Jimmy doesn't get to use his fists a whole lot.  Actually, the film features more gunplay than anything as nearly all the action starts with Yu and his enemy shooting at each other.  Then, when they run out of bullets, they draw swords and duel.  Then, when they knock their swords away, they fight hand to hand.  All of this gets repetitive after a while. 

Yu does what he can to salvage the movie.  When the film does work, it’s because of his cool charisma more than the middling fight scenes.  The other guys who make up his ragtag army are annoying though.  Their only purpose is to provide exposition and hammer home plot points.  It’s enough to make you wish Jimmy went on this mission solo. 

AKA:  The Adventure.  AKA:  The Cyclone.

A CURE FOR WELLNESS (2017) *

Dane DeHaan goes to a bizarro health spa in the middle of nowhere to get his boss to sign some important documents.  Inside of a minute, we know this place is bad news, but Dane hangs around for like an eternity before he figures out that the main doctor (Jason Isaacs from Soldier) has a screw loose.  It all drags on and on for the better part of two and a half hours until the big confrontation between DeHaan and Isaacs and even then, it plays out like a poor man’s version of a Guillermo del Toro Dr. Phibes remake or something. 

A Cure for Wellness?  More like a cure for insomnia.  Am I right?  

With this film, Gore Verbinski proves once again he has no business making horror movies.  Like his sorry Ring remake, there’s a lot of focus on a little girl with messy hair.  At least The Ring wasn't two and a half hours.  Heck, there’s not enough plot here for a half hour Twilight Zone episode, let alone a two-and-a-half-hour movie.  Gore, I’m telling you as a friend:  Stick to those big-budget Johnny Depp movies, buddy. 

The movie, in all fairness, looks like a million bucks.  However, the slick cinematography can’t hide the fact that there’s not a whole lot going on here.  Whatever plot “twists” we do get are predictable and incredibly drawn-out.   

I did however, find a cure for badness:  Take a shot of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time someone says the word “well”.  It’ll be just what the doctor ordered.  

BOYKA: UNDISPUTED (2017) ****

Scott Adkins returns to the ring for his third (and so far, best) outing as Yuri Boyka, the World’s Most Complete Fighter.  This time out, he’s out of prison and looking to make a name for himself on the fighting circuit.  After he accidentally kills an opponent in the ring, Boyka puts his bid for glory on hold in order to make amends with the man’s widow.  When he learns that she is basically an indentured servant to a local gangster, Boyka agrees to fight a series of increasingly difficult matches in order to secure her freedom. 

Boyka:  Undisputed plays out sort of like an MMA version of Diggstown as our hero finds himself fighting a number of opponents as part of a bet with the crooked owner of a small town.  There's even a last-minute twist where he is tricked into fighting an extra bout with a notorious prison brawler.  This guy is known as ‘The Nightmare" and he looks like a cross between Hannibal Lecter and Master Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and he gives Boyka a run for his money.  

The fights are all crisply photographed and competently shot, but like the best sports movies, Boyka:  Undisputed gives you moments that make you cheer outside of the ring too.  I can honestly say that I got a little choked up when the fighter’s widow tells Boyka that she doesn’t need him to save her and he responds, “I’m doing this to save myself!”  Part of that is thanks to Adkins’ terrific performance.  He played a great villain in Undisputed 2 and made for a gruff, but likeable hero in Part 3.   Here, he excels as the brooding Boyka.  His internal struggle to be the best, but to also do the right thing is surprisingly touching. 

In Undisputed 2 and 3, Boyka fought in a prison.  Even though he’s a free man in this one, he finds himself in a prison of another kind:  The prison of his own expectations.  When you’re fighting to be the best, the only enemy you’ll truly face is yourself.  While the fact that he now fights for forgiveness as well as his own personal redemption might make it sound like the character has softened, let me tell you, this new, matured Boyka is just as vicious as ever.  

I don’t want to spoil the ending.  All I will say is that the character comes full circle and his emotional journey is one of the most touching you’ll see all year.  (The final shot gave me goosebumps.)  While I'd love to see Adkins continue to kick ass in more Undisputed sequels, the film ends on such a perfect note that it's going to be hard to top. Then again, I thought Rocky Balboa was the final word on Rocky until Creed came around, so anything is possible.

This is definitely one of the best movies of the year and probably the best Direct to DVD sequel ever made.

AKA:  Boyka:  Undisputed 4.  AKA:  Undisputed 4:  Boyka is Back.