HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: PSYCHED BY THE 4D WITCH (A TALE OF DEMONOLOGY) (1973) ***

 

I have seen some jaw-droppers before, but my jaw was permanently agape while watching this one.  It’s a no-budget, astral-projection-themed sex flick that will make you question your sanity at nearly every reel change.  You won’t believe your eyes.

Cindy (Margo) is a virgin college girl who has never experienced an orgasm.  She buys a book on sexual witchcraft and is able to contact the spirit of a witch named Abigail (Esoterica) who just so happens to be Cindy’s ancestor.  Abigail helps Cindy awaken her sexuality and teaches her to find men via astral projection.  That way, her mind can experience sex and her body can remain a virgin.  Once Cindy realizes she’s being used by Abigail as an instrument of revenge, she turns to a shrink for help, and he gives her a “flesh and blood orgasm”, the only thing that can defeat the evil witch. 

That’s pretty much the plot.  It might not sound like much to hear me tell it, but I can’t even begin to describe how that information is presented to the viewer without sounding like a lunatic.  Basically, it looks like a hodgepodge of softcore stag reels edited into someone’s 8 mm home movies with occasional shots of blurry lights and psychedelic images meant to represent “the astral realm”. 

Add to that the fact the narration is batshit insane.  First, the narration baton gets handed from a scholarly sounding narrator to Cindy.  During the scenes of Cindy contacting Abigail, it just sounds like Cindy is lowering her voice to sound like a witch.  Incredible.  Later on, the film switches focus entirely and concentrates on Cindy’s brother, who takes over the narrating duties for a while until Cindy comes back for the finale.

Not only that, but the dialogue contains some of the most hilarious zingers I have heard in some time.  Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard the term, “Salem Witch Bitch”.  My favorite line though was when Abigail tells Cindy, “Okay, let’s fantasy fuck now!” 

Weirdly, the first time someone says, “fantasy fuck”, it is uncensored.  However, whenever it is said again, the “fuck” is muted out.  Was director Victor Luminera (who sadly never made another movie) going for a PG-13 rating?  The world may never know.

No matter how shitty the whole thing looks and how incoherent some of the editing is, one thing is undeniably fantastic:  The theme song, “Beware of the 4-D Witch”.  Holy shit, this song fucking rocks.  You’ll instantly be tapping your toes to this little ditty.  It’s quite the earworm and is sure to stick in your brain long after the movie is over.  The rest of the music, which consists of library music, stolen bits from classical works like “Night on Bald Mountain”, and even some Pink Floyd, is all over the place, which suits the movie to a tee.

The editing is so jarring and inept during the sex scenes that you have to wonder if this was at one time a hardcore production that was edited down for general release.  If so, that lost version should be as sought after as London After Midnight.  We need a pristine copy of that, pronto.  Are you listening, Criterion Collection?

And I haven’t even gotten to the truly insane shit yet.  Like the scene where a woman pulls a snake out of her ass and masturbates with it.  Or when Abigail wants Cindy to bang the corpse of her friend.  Sure, the subplot about Abigail turning Cindy’s brother into a vampire (who sports silly looking overlong fangs) feels like an unfinished student film that was edited in there to get the movie up to feature length.  Sure, the long scenes of him walking around Chinatown were unnecessary.  Sure, we didn’t need not one but TWO scenes of ducks waddling around for no good reason.  However, if any of this made sense, you’d be profoundly disappointed. 

The astral projection effects are admittedly cool, if a bit overused.  The shots of dime store Halloween masks backlit by flashlights that loom ominously in front of the camera are the most effective.  Some of the psychedelic scenes are straight-up hysterical though.  I’m specifically thinking of the trip scene where upside down images are projected over somebody’s vacation footage.  If I had to guess, there was a mess-up at the film lab and the director just passed it off as a “freak-out”.

It’s enough to make anyone say what the (fantasy) fuck?

So, let me break down that *** rating for you.  In terms of “quality”, it’s a * movie through and through.  However, I have to give it **** because that theme song is killer.  I’d be tempted to split the difference and give it a ** ½ rating, but I must give it at least *** since I haven’t doubted my sanity this much while watching a movie since maybe Troll 2.  That, if you were unaware, is about the highest praise I can bestow on a film.

AKA:  Psyched by the 4-D Witch.

DAVID BYRNE’S AMERICAN UTOPIA (2020) **

I’ve always preferred David Byrne’s work with Talking Heads to his solo stuff, so I was probably already predisposed to be left cold by American Utopia.  However, when I saw him perform excerpts from this on Saturday Night Live, I was intrigued enough to check out the complete performance on HBO Max.  As it turns out, it’s basically the equivalent of a listening to an entire album that only has a handful of good songs. 

The concept of the show isn’t particularly novel as it is more or less a rehash of Stop Making Sense.  It begins with Byrne alone on stage and before long he is eventually joined by more and more (too many, in fact) musicians and dancers as the night progresses.  The choreography for each number becomes increasingly chaotic as the performers move around the stage like a high school drumline on ecstasy. 

The big problem is that many of the songs find Byrne wallowing in a lot of world music-infused numbers that just drone on and on.  The film also stops cold at a few junctures for heavy handed sermonizing (no surprise as it was directed by Spike Lee) which immediately deflate whatever momentum it had started to build up.  When Byrne plays the hits (you know, the Talking Heads stuff), the film comes to life.  It’s like a switch goes on and it becomes an entirely different movie.  (“Road to Nowhere” and “Burning Down the House” are the obvious highlights.)  Once he goes back to his incessant caterwauling, it lost me. 

There’s even a scene where Byrne hoots and wails in tribute to Dadaism.  He informs us the Dada movement was about making nonsense as a way to help us make sense of our lives.  If you ask me, Byrne should start making sense. 

AKA:  American Utopia.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: SPIRAL (1998) ½ *

I hated the American remake of The Ring so much that it took me nearly two decades to get around to watching the original.  I was surprised to find out that while it was no classic, it wasn’t half bad.  Because of that, I decided to take a chance on the sequel, Spiral.  Man, this one’s even worse than the American version!

Spiral is mostly notable for its odd release.  In Japan, the studio was banking on it to be a hit, so they released it simultaneously with the original.  I guess the thinking was you’d go see The Ring, and as soon as the credits rolled, you’d run across the hall of the theater and see this one.  Needless to say, it was a complete failure, and it was quickly forgotten about long before the American remake even came out.  It was also effectively written out of existence by the “official” sequel, The Ring 2, which completely ignored the events of this movie, and with good reason. 

It’s a shame too, because it has an OK hook.  Ando (Koichi Sato) performs an autopsy on the dead husband from the first movie.  Since they were old school friends, he decides to do some investigating into his pal’s death, and stumbles upon the cursed videotape.  Like a dumbass, he watches the tape, but unlike the previous victims, he winds up having a very different experience. 

In the first film, the rules were dumb and overly simple, but they were still rules.  This one bends over backwards to not only rewrite those rules, but to add in a bunch of gratuitous nonsense on top of the already shaky mythology.  All this does is severely bog down the second half of the movie.  I hate it when sequels overexplain the killer’s backstory, but this might be the most egregious case I’ve ever seen.  It involves DNA, cloning a dead son, and a stupid explanation that the deaths from the VHS tape are really caused by a virus.  What?  Also, it turns Sadako from a ghostly girl with messy hair into some sort of half-assed campy femme fatale?!?  The meta shit at the end is dumb too, and the “happy” ending is too much to take.  It also drags on forever.  

Whatever director Hideo Nakata did right in the first one is completely undone by new director Joji Iida, who promptly does an about face in terms of quality.  It’s like he saw what worked in the original and made a conscious decision to do the exact opposite.  The subsequent sequels wisely ignored this one and went back to the drawing board, hewing closer to the original film.  I’m such an idiot I’ll probably wind up watching them eventually. 

AKA:  Rasen.  AKA:  Ring:  The Spiral.  AKA:  Helix.  AKA:  Ring 4:  The Spiral. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE FIFTH FLOOR (1978) ** ½

From Howard Avedis, the director of Mortuary, comes this off the wall psychological thriller.  It’s sometimes frustratingly uneven, but the all-star cast keeps you watching.  If you’re a fan of Bo Hopkins (like me), you’ll definitely want to check it out as he delivers a top-drawer performance as the disgusting, rapey orderly who makes Diane Hull’s life a living Hell.

The opening sequence is a laugh riot.  Hull is distraught over breaking up with her boyfriend, so she goes to a disco to let off a little steam.  She winds up mistakenly taking a poisoned drink intended for another patron (you know how those vindictive bartenders are) that’s loaded with strychnine.  This leads to a hysterical scene where Hull gets on the dance floor and fights to remain conscious, all the while disco dancing as if her life depended on it (which, it kind of does).

The disco itself is a hoot.  It looks like a VFW that’s holding a charity disco night.  Even though there’s hardly anyone there, the club must be hopping enough to nab a disco queen like Pattie Brooks for the headliner. 

Anyway, since the toxicology report shows poison in her system, the cops think Hull tried to kill herself.  They stick her in a psych ward against her will where she must remain until the quacks there perform an evaluation.  Not only does she have to contend with the various nutjobs who are locked up alongside her, Hull must resist the advances of Hopkins, who sets his sights on worming his way into her pants by any means necessary. 

The Fifth Floor is a pretty good Woman Trying to Convince Everyone She’s Not Crazy movie.  It kind of straddles the line between horror flick and a One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest-style drama.  It’s all rather tame (although Hull does get a couple of solid nude scenes), so horror fans will probably be disappointed.  However, the cast is top notch, so at least it’s never boring.

Hull does a fine job in the lead role, but it’s Video Vacuum favorite Bo Hopkins who takes the acting honors as the sleazy orderly.  Remember all those movies where he played a sleazy sheriff?  Well, imagine that, but instead of wearing a cowboy hat, he wears a nurse’s smock. 

The supporting cast is stellar too.  Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund is a nut who dresses up like a doctor so he can examine the new patients.  Mel Ferrer is the unsympathetic doctor who neglects Hull.  Patti D’Arbanville is the pregnant patient who buddies up with Hull.  Sharon (It’s Alive) Farrell is Hull’s temperamental roommate.  We also have Earl (Terminator 2) Boen, Alice (“Large Marge” from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure) Nunn, Michael (The Hills Have Eyes) Berryman, and Tracey (Repo Man) Walter as the assorted featured patients.  Because of the cast’s efforts, The Fifth Floor is worth a look, even if the film itself never quite goes to the top floor.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: DAUGHTER OF DR. JEKYLL (1957) **

Two of my favorite B movie actors, John Agar (who was in The Brain from Planet Arous the same year this came out) and Gloria (I Married a Monster from Outer Space) Talbott star in this low budget mishmash from Edgar G. (Detour) Ulmer.  Talbott plays a woman who goes to her guardian’s home to tell him she’s going to marry Agar on her 21st birthday.  He then tells her she’s actually an heiress and that on her birthday, the mansion and the surrounding grounds will revert back to her.  He also reveals to her she’s the daughter of Dr. Jekyll and that she just may have inherited the family curse. 

You have to give Daughter of Dr. Jekyll credit:  It has a loony hook.  It’s the movie that asks the question:  “What if Mr. Hyde was, in fact, a werewolf?”  I mean, I guess I can see that as he sometimes looks like a werewolf in some adaptations.  (Most notably the Frederic March version).  This is the first version I know of that explicitly states it. 

That’s nothing though.  Get a load of this.  Not only does Dr. Jekyll turn into a werewolf, but he can only be killed by a stake in the heart!  You have to wonder if screenwriter Jack (The Atomic Brain) Pollexfen ever saw a horror movie before.

This all could’ve been goofy fun, but it just takes far too long to get the show on the road.  The first half is filled with a lot of stalling tactics that only succeed in testing the audience’s patience.  While I am a fan of both Agar and Talbott, I have to admit, this is far from their best work.  It looks really cheap too.  (Check out the obvious model that passes as the mansion’s exterior.) 

Then again, what do you expect from a movie that thinks a stake through the heart kills a werewolf?

Despite all that, Ulmer manages to wring some atmosphere out of the proceedings (especially during the dream scenes where Talbott transforms into a killer and stalks her victims).  You kind of have to respect the way he keeps on tossing in more and more cliches (hypnosis, secret passageways, suspicious caretakers, angry villagers brandishing torches, etc.), even if he never really follows through on any of them.  Without a sturdy foundation, the cliches just feel like boxes being checked off without any real cohesion.

The film finally comes to life in the last ten minutes.  Sure, the big twist is predictable, but I’ll watch any movie that features a lap dissolve werewolf transformation, no matter how bad.  My favorite bit though was the scene where Mr. Hyde plays Peeping Tom and pervs on a woman while she is getting ready for bed.  Too bad he doesn’t get to play Hyde the Salami with her.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: TREMORS: SHRIEKER ISLAND (2020) *

A billionaire big game hunter (31’s Richard Brake) is making a killing on his secluded island where people are willing to pay top dollar to hunt bioengineered Graboids.  He doesn’t realize that when the Graboids reproduce, they turn into pint-sized, two-legged “Shriekers”.  Naturally, it’s up to survival nut/Graboid killer Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) to save the day. 

Tremors:  Shrieker Island is the seventh entry in the Tremors franchise.  Seven was not this series’ lucky number, that’s for sure.  Remember back to Part 2?  That one was a fun variation on Jurassic Park as the newly mutated worms ran around like sawed-off raptors.  This one is a lot more blatant in its inspiration.  Not only does it rip off Jurassic Park, but it also shamelessly lifts from Predator too.  It’s one thing to mimic the infrared POV hunting shots from that movie.  It’s another thing to have a character say, “Hey!  That’s just like Predator!”  It’s as if the film’s bar is set so low, they have to spoon feed the audience the references.  (There’s even a character who uses a big ass gun not unlike the one Jesse Ventura had in Predator.)

The lone good idea was getting Richard Brake to play the megalomaniacal hunter villain.  Unfortunately, he’s not given much to work with.  He chews the scenery pretty well, but the lines just sort of hang there because his dialogue is so clunky and poorly written.

Gross looks slightly less enthusiastic than usual.  I’m not saying he phones it in or anything, but there’s a noticeable lack of glee in his eyes when he’s hunting the Graboids this time around.  It doesn’t help that he’s saddled with the irritating Jon Heder for a sidekick.  Jamie Kennedy wasn’t a terrible partner in crime for the past two movies, but Heder is downright insufferable.  You have to wonder how many people said no to the role before he said yes.  Maybe if he stayed in character as Napoleon Dynamite it would’ve been slightly better, although I highly doubt it. 

Don Michael Paul’s uninspired direction is the final nail in the proverbial coffin.  The lackluster action sequences coupled with the insipid humor makes this by far the worst in the series.  The pacing is stagnant too as the film slogs from one inert set piece to the other.  Also, there was no reason this needed to be 102 freakin’ minutes long. 

What’s worse is they foolishly try to give the film some dramatic weight at the end, which fails spectacularly.  Whatever potential for drama the scene had is squandered as it lands with a big old thud.  I mean, you can’t have your first ninety minutes be that bad and then expect us to actually care what happens in the final reel.  The fact they REDACTED makes it that much more infuriating. 

In short, Tremors:  Shrieker Island is nothing to shriek about.  Hopefully, this will be the final rodeo for the franchise.  Something tells me Universal will somehow worm another sequel out of this series in the not too distant future.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: READY OR NOT (2019) ** ½

Samara Weaving gets married at her husband’s ancestral mansion.  His family’s only request is that she play a game of Hide and Seek with them at the stroke of midnight.  Although that’s not exactly how she expected her wedding night to go down, she plays along and goes hide.  Much to her horror, her new in-laws begin to hunt her down with axes, crossbows, and guns. 

This is all fairly standard stuff.  The difference is the central performance by Weaving.  As with The Babysitter, the bare bones concept is made tolerable thanks to her winning presence.  She’s saved a lot of these borderline low budget movies.  it’s time for Hollywood to take notice and put her in a big budget blockbuster.  Well… once Hollywood starts making big budget blockbusters again… that people can see… in the theater… maybe…

Directed by the team of Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (who did the only good segment of V/H/S), Ready or Not is a not-bad, if a bit generic horror-comedy.  It’s at its best in the early going as the vibe is akin to You’re Next by way of The Most Dangerous Game.  The film begins to lose steam once the game strays from the grounds of the mansion, but the finale is appropriately bloody, although it feels a bit silly and pat.

The supporting cast is solid.  Adam Brody steals many scenes as Weaving’s drunk brother in-law and Henry Czerny provides just the right amount of bland menace as the patriarch of her new family.  It was also neat seeing the usually effervescent Andie MacDowell playing against type as Weaving’s slightly sinister mother in-law.

Overall, Ready or Not is an OK way to kill 95 minutes.  Although it isn’t terrible or anything, I can’t imagine it working half as well if Weaving wasn’t front and center for most of the running time. Wearing a shredded wedding dress with a bandolier draped over her torso and brandishing a shotgun, she certainly strikes a memorable pose.  She’s all dressed up, but the movie has nowhere to go. 

AKA:  Wedding Nightmare.