I have seen some jaw-droppers before, but my jaw was permanently agape while watching this one. It’s a no-budget, astral-projection-themed sex flick that will make you question your sanity at nearly every reel change. You won’t believe your eyes.
Cindy (Margo) is a virgin college girl who has never experienced an orgasm. She buys a book on sexual witchcraft and is able to contact the spirit of a witch named Abigail (Esoterica) who just so happens to be Cindy’s ancestor. Abigail helps Cindy awaken her sexuality and teaches her to find men via astral projection. That way, her mind can experience sex and her body can remain a virgin. Once Cindy realizes she’s being used by Abigail as an instrument of revenge, she turns to a shrink for help, and he gives her a “flesh and blood orgasm”, the only thing that can defeat the evil witch.
That’s pretty much the plot. It might not sound like much to hear me tell it, but I can’t even begin to describe how that information is presented to the viewer without sounding like a lunatic. Basically, it looks like a hodgepodge of softcore stag reels edited into someone’s 8 mm home movies with occasional shots of blurry lights and psychedelic images meant to represent “the astral realm”.
Add to that the fact the narration is batshit insane. First, the narration baton gets handed from a scholarly sounding narrator to Cindy. During the scenes of Cindy contacting Abigail, it just sounds like Cindy is lowering her voice to sound like a witch. Incredible. Later on, the film switches focus entirely and concentrates on Cindy’s brother, who takes over the narrating duties for a while until Cindy comes back for the finale.
Not only that, but the dialogue contains some of the most hilarious zingers I have heard in some time. Trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard the term, “Salem Witch Bitch”. My favorite line though was when Abigail tells Cindy, “Okay, let’s fantasy fuck now!”
Weirdly, the first time someone says, “fantasy fuck”, it is uncensored. However, whenever it is said again, the “fuck” is muted out. Was director Victor Luminera (who sadly never made another movie) going for a PG-13 rating? The world may never know.
No matter how shitty the whole thing looks and how incoherent some of the editing is, one thing is undeniably fantastic: The theme song, “Beware of the 4-D Witch”. Holy shit, this song fucking rocks. You’ll instantly be tapping your toes to this little ditty. It’s quite the earworm and is sure to stick in your brain long after the movie is over. The rest of the music, which consists of library music, stolen bits from classical works like “Night on Bald Mountain”, and even some Pink Floyd, is all over the place, which suits the movie to a tee.
The editing is so jarring and inept during the sex scenes that you have to wonder if this was at one time a hardcore production that was edited down for general release. If so, that lost version should be as sought after as London After Midnight. We need a pristine copy of that, pronto. Are you listening, Criterion Collection?
And I haven’t even gotten to the truly insane shit yet. Like the scene where a woman pulls a snake out of her ass and masturbates with it. Or when Abigail wants Cindy to bang the corpse of her friend. Sure, the subplot about Abigail turning Cindy’s brother into a vampire (who sports silly looking overlong fangs) feels like an unfinished student film that was edited in there to get the movie up to feature length. Sure, the long scenes of him walking around Chinatown were unnecessary. Sure, we didn’t need not one but TWO scenes of ducks waddling around for no good reason. However, if any of this made sense, you’d be profoundly disappointed.
The astral projection effects are admittedly cool, if a bit overused. The shots of dime store Halloween masks backlit by flashlights that loom ominously in front of the camera are the most effective. Some of the psychedelic scenes are straight-up hysterical though. I’m specifically thinking of the trip scene where upside down images are projected over somebody’s vacation footage. If I had to guess, there was a mess-up at the film lab and the director just passed it off as a “freak-out”.
It’s enough to make anyone say what the (fantasy) fuck?
So, let me break down that *** rating for you. In terms of “quality”, it’s a * movie through and through. However, I have to give it **** because that theme song is killer. I’d be tempted to split the difference and give it a ** ½ rating, but I must give it at least *** since I haven’t doubted my sanity this much while watching a movie since maybe Troll 2. That, if you were unaware, is about the highest praise I can bestow on a film.
AKA: Psyched by the 4-D Witch.
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