THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #20: I, MONSTER (1973) ** ½

(Streamed via Free Movie Channel Retro)

Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing star in this loose adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from Amicus.  Lee stars as “Dr. Marlowe” who believes in the duality of man and sets out to create a potion that can separate the evil side from the good.  Eventually, he tries the formula on himself and becomes the evil “Mr. Blake”.  

I’m not sure why they changed the names of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde to Dr. Marlowe and Mr. Blake.  It’s not like this was Dragnet where they have to change the names to protect the innocent.  Weird. 

An interesting deviation to the source material is the fact that Hyde… err… Blake uses his formula on his psychiatric patients first.  It’s kind of funny seeing a prim and proper patient turn into a horny harlot.  We also get a genuinely unnerving scene where Blake on a whim sticks his cat with the potion, which turns out to be a bad idea, resulting in what is probably the screen’s fastest aborted lab experiment ever.  Lee gets into a nifty knife fight in the street with a young punk too.  

Lee’s make-up is rather subtle as his appearance gets a little more ragged and disheveled as the movie progresses.  He’s mostly aided by a set of false teeth that crooks his mouth into a permanent malicious grin.  He also widens his eyeballs a lot, much like he did when he played Dracula.  The results are moderately effective.  Lee naturally gets a decent lap dissolve transformation scene at the very end.  

The film is at its best in the first half, which finds Lee experimenting on himself and others.  It’s noticeably less involving once the focus shifts to Peter Cushing investigating the various crimes committed by Lee.  Director Stephen (Sword of the Valiant) Weeks doesn’t bring a lot of urgency to the proceedings, which also hurts it in the late going.  The finale is weak and lacks the punch of the set-up.  Because it ends on a whimper instead of a bang, I hesitate to give I, Monster a full-fledged recommendation, but there’s enough bright spots here to make it worth a look for fans of Lee and Cushing.

MEMPHIS CATHOUSE BLUES (1982) **

Memphis Cathouse Blues is basically the porno version of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.  (Minus the singing, of course.)  It’s a rather star-studded affair too, featuring many of the adult industry’s biggest names of the ‘70s and ‘80s.  While the highlights are few and far between, it makes for an OK vintage smut fest.  

A preacher (Paul Ross) wants to shut down a house of ill repute that has a long history of showing  customers their brand of southern hospitality.  (AKA:  They fuck them.)  Annette Haven is the madam of the house who takes in a young border (Danielle) who was assaulted by a mysterious man on the road.  Eventually, she agrees to taking a job as a lady of the evening in the establishment.  Things end predictably enough as all the plot threads (all two of them) are wrapped up in a convenient fashion.  That is to say, everybody gets a happy ending.    

The plot doesn’t matter a whole lot if the sex scenes are strong.  As it stands, it’s a pretty uneven affair.  Things kick off with a flashback to the Civil War with Haven’s grandmother (Rhonda Jo Petty) servicing a Confederate soldier who bangs her with a candle.  Then we have a scene where Haven gets it on with the sheriff, played by Mike Horner (who even sports a Burt Reynolds-style mustache).  There’s also a mini-orgy sequence involving the talents of Kay Parker and Dorothy LeMay.  About halfway through, the movie forgets about the plot as the middle section is almost exclusively devoted to the prostitutes having flashbacks to various rendezvous with their most cherished customers.  Unfortunately, Parker’s scene is undone by some indifferent lighting that pretty much bathes the important details (READ:  Genitals) in darkness.

The standout sequence is when Haven shows Danielle the ropes of being a prostitute as she teaches her to pleasure Horner’s rod.  While most of the other scenes in the film are rather standard issue, this one boasts a solid set-up, a nice rapport between the performers, and a fun, playful vibe.  If there was another sequence or two of this caliber, Memphis Cathouse Blues could’ve been red hot. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #19: BLOOD STALKERS (1976) * ½

(Streamed via Free Flix Tonight)

Mike (Jerry Albert) and his friends go to stay at his family’s cabin deep in the Florida Everglades.  They are warned by an old coot at the gas station to stay away from the place as it’s full of “Blood Stalkers”.  Needless to say, they press on, and before long, they are terrorized by a band of grubby, demented hillbillies.    

This low budget regional horror flick is long on talk and short on horror.  To add insult to injury, the murders of the major characters happen offscreen.  At least the comeuppance of the bad guys is shown in full gory detail.  This brief highpoint unfortunately comes at the very end, and it’s not exactly worth the wait, but it does at least save it from being a total washout.

The beginning is chockfull of enough scenes of people driving to remind you of Manos, the Hands of Fate.  Once the action switches over to the cabin, things don’t get much better.  If you take a shot every time the hero talks about his past/family/himself or every time the camera cuts away to the woods where someone could be/might be/is spying on the main characters, you will be fucking obliterated by the halfway point.

Then there are the nighttime sequences that are so dark that it’s often hard to tell what the hell is going on (which sometimes, is probably for the best).  I know they had to shoot day for night on these low budget horror movies, but this is more like day for total blackout.  It doesn’t help that many of the scenes just feel like excessive padding.  One sequence where Albert runs and runs and runs towards the cabin in super slow motion while a chorus of gospel singers drowns out the soundtrack feels less like the director trying to be artsy-fartsy and more like he’s trying to stretch out the running time.   

Although Albert is not much of a leading man, the supporting cast is decent enough.  If Albert’s friend Daniel looks familiar, it’s because he’s played by Ken Miller, the guy who sang “Eeny, Meeny, Miney Mo” in I Was a Teenage Werewolf.  His girlfriend is played by none other than Celea Ann Cole, AKA:  Cisse Cameron, AKA:  The chick from Space Mutiny, AKA:  Mrs. Reb Brown, AKA:  Cameron Mitchell’s daughter.  Blood Stalkers is not good at all, but I’m sort of glad they got a paycheck out of all this.  

AKA:  Blood Night.  AKA:  The Night Daniel Died. 

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #18: MONSTER ISLAND (2004) ***

(Streamed via FilmRise)

Here’s a surprising horror comedy that was made for MTV in the mid ‘00s.  I wasn’t watching the channel at that time since they had long stopped playing music videos by then.  Because of that, I’m a little late to the party.  

A class clown (Daniel Letterle) wins his school a class trip to party on an island in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle (sponsored by MTV, of course).  As a bonus, he also gets to meet Carmen Electra (playing herself) and wins backstage passes to her concert.  Meanwhile, he tries to win back his socially conscious ex (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, two years away from starring in Final Destination 3) while trying to rescue Electra from the giant insects that inhabit the island.  

I was fully prepared for this to suck, mostly because of its association with MTV.  Much to my surprise, it had a few tricks up its sleeve.  I mean I never thought I would see stop-motion monsters in a straight to MTV horror flick.  As a bonus, Adam freaking West is the mad scientist named “Dr. Harryhausen” responsible for their creation!  

I expected Monster Island to be bad, but it’s harmless cheesy fun.  One great so-bad-it’s-good scene is when Electra takes the stage and sings.  Naturally, the song is awful (she whispers breathlessly the entire song), but the staging is particularly hilarious.  It’s obvious she’s lip synching the whole time and about halfway through the number, the editor gives up the entire charade and the song plays out while she doesn’t move her lips.  Brilliant.  

The giant insect monster didn’t like her singing either, which is why it swoops down mid-performance and kidnaps her.  I didn’t know I needed a movie in which Carmen Electra gets kidnapped by a stop-motion bug, but here we are.

The stop-motion effects are a lot of fun.  The giant praying mantis fight is particularly well done, as is the scene where the victor dukes it out with a bulldozer.  The cheesy (on purpose) models of the island and mountain (which is revealed to be a giant anthill) are cool too.  We also get a pretty good Gillman knockoff in there as well.  

Sure, some of the acting is bad and the characters are annoying, but it’s breezily paced and highly enjoyable, making Monster Island a destination getaway for fans of cheesy monster movies.   

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #17: THE NORLISS TAPES (1973) ****

(Streamed via Film Rabbits)

Dan (Dark Shadows) Curtis produced and directed this TV pilot that is sort of similar to The Night Stalker.  It didn’t get picked up as a series, which is unfortunate.  It has a clever enough hook, a great cast of guest stars, and some genuinely creepy moments.  

The Invaders’ Roy Thinnes stars as a writer named Norliss who disappears while working on a book debunking the supernatural.  The only thing he left behind was a series of cassette tapes documenting his experiences.  His worried publisher plays his first tape, which finds him coming to the aid of a widow (Angie Dickinson) who shoots a midnight intruder.  The problem is, the intruder was her husband… who happens to be already dead.  

Curtis uses the detective story trope to string together a bunch of cool supernatural ingredients.  These elements include a cursed Egyptian ring, fortune tellers, motorists drained of their blood, and zombies.  Since the tapes are material for Thinnes’ book, the narration is a lot more descriptive than your average TV film, which helps to perfectly set the mood.  

The opening really draws you in and once the tape is popped into the player, the momentum rarely lets up.  Curtis also stages a first-rate zombie attack when Thinnes and Dickinson are menaced by her undead hubby in the rain.  What makes this guy a memorable zombie is the fact he continues his sculpting hobby into the afterlife.  Since he’s a maniacal ghoul, he likes to put his victims’ blood into his clay and makes red demon sculptures out of them.  Really sick stuff.  I love it.  Curtis keeps the fun coming right along all the way through to the fiery finale, which contains a fine blend of genuine shocks and ‘70s Made for TV cheese.  That is to say, it was very much my shit.  

The film is anchored by a cool and confident performance by Thinnes.  It’s a shame the series never got picked up because I would’ve loved to see him battling monsters on a weekly basis.  Dickinson is excellent as the scared widow who is capable of blowing away zombie husbands at point blank range.  We also have Claude Akins as (what else?) a sheriff, Soap’s Robert Mandan as Thinnes’ lawyer, and Vonetta (Blacula) McGee as a medium who dabbles in the occult, all of whom lend fine support.

DUNE PART ONE (2021) * ½

Despite the fact that it simultaneously premiered in theaters and at home on HBO Max, Dune Part One director Denis (Arrival) Villeneuve was adamant that people see his film in a movie theater, the way he intended.  I wound up watching it the way I usually watch movies:  On my couch late at night while nodding off to sleep.  In fact, I had to eventually watch it over the span of a couple nights because this dreary bore kept putting my ass to sleep.  

David Lynch’s Dune was bad, but this is something else.  At least Lynch’s version was so spectacularly bad that it was an unforgettable mess.  Villeneuve’s Dune is like watching someone throw sand on monochromatic paint and then spending hours watching it dry.  Neither the action nor the drama is compelling.  Lynch’s picture was an assault on the senses.  This one would make for perfect ASMR background noise.

The best moments come early on and are staged almost exactly like the original.  Both highlights revolve around the training of Paul Atreides (Timothee Chalamet).  Once the action switches its focus to the desert planet Dune, the pace gets stuck in the quicksand (slowsand?).  The big issue is the ending, or lack thereof as it’s just half a movie.  (Villeneuve puts the subtitle “Part One” front and center in the opening credits as a way to let himself off the hook.)  Like Halloween Kills, it doesn’t mean a whole lot as it’s only leading to another movie.  It's all set-up and no payoff.  I don’t know about you, but it’s a little irksome to spend nearly three hours on something that forgets to have a climax.  Like the original, it ends with a knife fight, but it’s poorly staged and it’s hard to care what happens because we already KNOW what’s going to happen.  I mean if Paul DIES, there won’t be a Dune Part Two.  

The performances are a mixed bag.  Chamalet looks like a wax sculpture of Tim Burton that went Pinocchio on us.  Everyone was hard on Hayden Christensen in the Star Wars prequels, but he is positively Shakespearian compared to Chamalet.  The villain is even worse.  Having Stellan Skarsgard play The Baron as Col. Kurtz was… a choice.  He’s pretty awful and isn’t given a whole lot to do.  Heck, even the usually engaging and energetic Oscar Isaac looks bored here.  It’s not all bad though.  I’m curious to see whatever movie Jason Momoa and Josh Brolin thought they were acting in as they seem like the only ones who are half awake.  Rebecca Ferguson isn’t bad as Paul’s mother, although she and Chalamet have no chemistry together.  (Then again, it’s hard to have chemistry with a wax figure.)

The droning soundtrack and bland visuals put me to sleep three nights in a row.  Even during the occasional fight scenes and battle sequences, the music is curiously apathetic and doesn’t do anything to heighten the action on screen.  I can’t imagine paying money to see this in the theater.  I would’ve been asleep by the first hour.    

AKA:  Dune.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #16: MIND OVER MURDER (1979) ***

(Streamed via The Film Detective)

Deborah Raffin stars as a dancer who begins having strange premonitions.  When she has her visions, the world stands completely still around her while she receives flashes of the future.  A creepy bald dude is often in the center of her premonitions, and she teams up with an investigator (David Ackroyd) to put together the pieces of her mental puzzle before it’s too late.

This Made for TV movie has a pretty good cast.  In addition to Death Wish 3’s Deborah Raffin we have ‘70s staple Andrew Prine as the bald psycho, X-Men’s Bruce Davison as her uncaring boyfriend, and Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund as Akroyd’s partner.  Raffin does a solid job in the lead, and her invested performance keeps you watching, even when the plot begins to chase its tail.

Director Ivan Nagy (who would later gain notoriety as a one-time boyfriend of Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, and eventually wound up directing porn by the end of his career) creates a modicum of atmosphere during Raffin’s prolonged slow-motion visions.  The problem is these sequences get a little repetitive as the film is entering the homestretch.  There’s probably about two too many of these long scenes, but I guess he had to do what he had to do in order to fill a two-hour time slot.

The good news is just when you think you’ve had it up to here with the psychic shit, the movie switches gears from an ESP drama to a full-blown woman in peril movie.  The last act gets a real shot in the arm thanks to Prine’s intense performance as the sketchy, sweaty psycho.  His crazed theatrics help push Mind Over Murder over the top to become a first-rate TV thriller.  

Naturally, Prine gets the best line of the movie when he asks Raffin, “What do you want to do first?  Make love or DIE!”

AKA:  Premonitions.  AKA:  Psychomania.  AKA:  Deadly Vision.