5 HEADED SHARK ATTACK (2017) *

Confession time:  I never saw 2 Headed Shark Attack.  I know, right?  I’m sorry I let you down.  I hope you forgive me.

On a related note.  I didn’t see 3 Headed Shark Attack.  I’m sure you’re like, what?  How?  Hey, man.  I can’t see them all.

They didn’t even make a 4 Headed Shark Attack, so don’t even try to come at me for missing that one.

Say what you will about me, I’m here now.  I showed up for 5 Headed Shark Attack.  I hope this review in some way, shape, or form makes up for me missing Parts 2 Headed and 3 Headed.   

If we’re being completely honest with each other here, this is one of the worst SyFy Channel shark movies I’ve ever sat through.  

Okay, so a 4 Headed Shark kills some boaters and the cops try to get a marine biographer to identify the shark.  Dude, it’s a 4 Headed Shark.  I don’t think you needed to bug a marine pornographer for that.  Anyway.  Her boss is like, “Don’t help the cops.  We can catch this thing.  This could put our aquarium back on the map.”  Yeah.  Putting a shitty CGI shark from a shitty SyFy Movie on display will REALLY pull in the tourists.  Like they couldn’t see the same shit on their Roku player at home for free.

So, they spend the next hour or so out on a boat looking for the damned thing.  It only sporadically shows up to eat someone, and even then, it doesn’t really relieve the boredom.  Oh, and if you’re keeping track, we eventually do get to see the fifth head after a while (and it’s exactly where you think it’s going to be).  

Jesus Fucking Christ.  I made a New Year’s resolution to try to be more open-minded and positive when it comes to writing these reviews.  With that in mind I will say… at least I haven’t seen 2 Headed Shark Attack.  Or 3 Headed Shark Attack.  Or God forbid, 6 Headed Shark Attack.  (It’s a thing.  So help me.  I looked it up.)

This is one of those rare cases where too much head is a bad thing.

AKA:  Five Head Jaws.