TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) * ½

I somehow skipped this when it came to video.  Seeing how the four previous Transformers movies ranged from terrible to forgettable, it really wasn’t on my to-do list.  That changed after I saw the heartfelt and enormously entertaining Transformers spin-off, Bumblebee.  Venom, a longtime fan of the site sent me the DVD of The Last Knight, which helped get my butt in gear to finally check it out.

It begins in Merry Old England during the Dark Ages with none other than King Arthur waging war with his Knights of the Round Table at his side.  Let’s face it, no matter how bad a movie is (and The Last Knight gets awfully crappy), it can’t be all bad if you have Stanley Tucci playing Merlin.  He’s pretty funny too, playing the character as a drunken fraud who uses Transformers under the guise of “magic”.

Back in the present day, there’s a race between the Autobots and Decepticons to find a magic staff.  There’s also some jazz about a magic Transformer talisman.  Meanwhile, Optimus Prime is off in outer space turning evil so when he comes home, he can destroy Earth once and for all. 

For the first part of The Last Knight, Bay is able to keep his worst tendencies (schizophrenic editing, obnoxious characters, etc.) at… ahem… bay.  There’s an early scene that sort of foretells the plot of Bumblebee with a survivor girl losing her Transformer protector.  It doesn’t have nearly the same amount of heart as Bumblebee, but hey, at least Bay was trying.  I’m not saying it’s good or anything, but it’s watchable, and certainly more memorable than the first three entries.  (There is at least one admittedly cool moment when Bumblebee falls to pieces and then comes back together again during a fight scene.)

For the most part though, it’s the case of same shit, different sequel.  I know criticizing the plots to these things is the equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel, but the subplot that involves the Army turning to Megatron to help find the staff is bafflingly stupid.  Anyone with an IQ over 5 could’ve told you this is a very bad idea.  

I also could’ve done without the scenes of the Transformers calling each other “little bitches” and “mofos”.  It’s about as annoying as hearing Anthony Hopkins saying “dude” and “bitchin’”.  Oh, yeah, Anthony Hopkins is in this.  He plays the leader of some sort of secret Transformer-loving society.  The less said about that, the better.

The bottom line is there’s no reason this had to be two and a half hours long.  There was a moment I was sure it was almost over, only to check the DISPLAY button on the DVD remote to discover there was an hour and twenty minutes left.  It’s a long slog and a rather numbing one at that.  It also suffers from having Optimus Prime offscreen for much of the film.  When he does show up, we have to wade through a lot of dumb “This isn’t you Optimus!  You’re our friend!” bullshit that eats up a lot of screen time.  

After a reasonably solid first 45 minutes or so, the film lapses into the usual Transformers nonsense.  Sure, there are more memorably quirky bits to go around this time, but overall, it’s not as consistently mediocre as Age of Extinction.  (The climax, which cuts back and forth between Josh Duhamel’s army and the Transformers pounding on each other, is pretty shitty.)  Still, it’s hard to completely hate any movie in which giant robots hunt Nazis (albeit briefly), fight in Braveheart-style battles, and perform ancient rites at Stonehenge.  It just didn’t need to be 155 minutes long.

One note:  The aspect ratio of the movie changes several times on the DVD, sometimes within the same scene.  I don’t know why, but it’s certainly annoying.