WICKED SCHOOLGIRLS (1981) ***

Giggles (Sonya Summers), a sexy brunette in pigtails and braces, leads around her “doggy daddy” on a leash, feeding him cookies until she gets so hot that she demands he fuck her, all while “How Much is That Doggy in the Window?” plays in the background.  Wally (Frank Sirocco) takes pictures of Giggles in compromising positions and tries to blackmail her into giving him head.  Her brother Jock (Ron Hudd) then schemes to get the photos back by sending his slutty girlfriend Joanie (Robin Sane) over to seduce the blackmailer.  

Meanwhile, another sexy schoolgirl, Velvet (Velvet Summers) masturbates while Chuck Berry sings “Hail, Hail, Rock and Roll”.  She finally gets off when he plays (what else?) “Sweet Little Sixteen”.  Velvet then tries to get a job as a secretary, but before her boss hires her, he wants to see if she can “handle the load”.  

The back and forth plot with all the blackmailing and extortion schemes gets repetitive, but a lot of the set-ups for the sex scenes (like when Velvet’s boss has her take “dictation”) are a lot of fun.  It’s mostly memorable for the stolen, unlicensed music and meanspirited S & M scenes.  (The original tunes, like “Jailbait” and “Ball Away the Blues” are great too.)  There’s even a jaw-dropping moment when Velvet takes an on-camera piss before being seduced in the toilet stall by an older secretary.  We also get an incestuous ending when Giggles gets it on with Jock and proclaims, “You’re the best brother in the world!”  

Director Carter (Punk Rock) Stevens does a fine job keeping the momentum going.  The set-ups are breezily handled, and the ensuing sex scenes are wild and sleazy.  I can’t say it’s a classic or anything, but it’s certainly memorable, and both Summers are plenty hot.

IRON SKY (2012) ***

For seventy years, the Nazis have been hiding out on the dark side of the moon waiting for a second chance to take over the world.  At last, they come down to Earth and make their play for world domination.  Finally realizing the Nazis are up to no good, Renate (Julia Dietze) leaves their ranks, and with the help of an American astronaut (Christopher Kirby), she tries to put a stop to the Fourth Reich.  

Iron Sky offers a fun blend of faux-Grindhouse lunacy with genuinely funny comedy and a handful of legitimately badass moments.  The premise is outlandish, but is enormously entertaining thanks to the game cast, cool special effects, and often pitch-perfect tone.  Not content on just making a silly little B picture, director Timo Vuorensola (who got his start making impressive homemade Star Trek fan films), cannily puts a little social commentary into the mix (like the scenes of The White House embracing Nazism), which keeps it from becoming yet another disposable would-be cult item.  

That’s not to say the film doesn’t know how to cut loose and have fun.  The scenes of Kirby being subjected to Aryanization is handled with equal parts satire and out-and-out hilarity.  Plus, it’s hard to resist any movie in which Udo Kier plays a Nazi.  Of course, a flick with this kind of wild imagination is sure to be uneven as hell.  However, its spunky spirit carries it over the clunkier parts, and the final act is a blast.  The fact that all this was created from an online crowdsourcing effort adds to its scrappy charm.

SCHOOLGIRL REPORT 4: WHAT DRIVES PARENTS TO DESPAIR (1973) ***

If you’ve never seen any of the Schoolgirl Report flicks, they were a series of German sexploitation movies that featured sexy schoolgirls doing all sorts of naughty things.  Filmed under the guise of a pseudo-documentary, they present several vignettes revolving around the sexual escapades of insatiable teenage girls.  I’m happy to report (heh) that this is one of the better entries in the franchise.  

The first tale revolves around a sexpot student named Elfie (Karin Gotz) who needs a passing grade in math to graduate.  She makes her teacher an indecent proposal:  A roll in the hay for a C on the big test.  After a lot of hemming and hawing, he finally caves in.  This segment is predictable, but it still works.  I’m sure the filmmakers could’ve built up the sexual tension a bit more, although you can’t blame the teacher for giving into temptation.  

The second story finds an old pervert pretending to be a physician so he can give schoolgirls examinations.  Like the first story, it’s relatively straightforward and obvious.  Despite that, it still manages to work up a fair amount of steam.  (Like when the doctor takes his patient’s “temperature”.)

The next story finds an African-American student having trouble fitting in at school where she is subject to exclusion and racist taunts.  When she is invited to a party, she thinks her classmates are finally reaching out to her, but it’s nothing more than an ambush to degrade and humiliate her.  This story has a nice set-up, and makes an earnest stab at moralizing, although it feels out of step with the other, more lighthearted tales.  

A group of friends pitch in and help a student who’s wrecked his car in the next tale.  To get the money needed for the repairs, the girls decide to prostitute themselves out for cash.  Although the set-up is breezy and fun (I especially liked the scenes with the overweight girl who wants to get some “action”), it sort of fizzles out in the end without much of a resolution.  

A gaggle of giggling girls notice an Italian goofball ogling them in the park.  They then decide to tease him by constantly undressing and sexually provoking him.  The joke’s on them though when they find out the hard way (pun intended) that he’s a sexual dynamo.  This sequence has a few laughs (the part where he sticks his dick in a fountain to cool off is funny) and features plenty of nudity, making it one of the most fun segments in the entire picture.  

Christina (Thriller:  A Cruel Picture) Lindberg stars in the next story as Barbara, a young girl, who has a crush on her brother Wolfgang (Gunther Mohner).  Since they share the same room together, Barbara sees her brother naked often, which helps fuel her desire.  Before long, the sex-starved Barbara makes her feelings known to her sibling.  Fans of Lindberg are in for a real treat with this sleazy, steamy segment.  She’s especially hot in the scenes where she masturbates while watching her brother banging babes.  We also get a random-ass dream sequence where she watches a nun shot by a firing squad!?!  

The final tale is about a virgin who won’t put out for her horny boyfriend.  Eventually, she relents and allows him to have his way with her.  This story is one of the weaker ones in the bunch.  It’s pretty standard issue stuff, but there’s still enough nudity to make it watchable.  

This is the best film I’ve seen so far in the Schoolgirl Report series.  It has a nice balance of carefree sexual escapades, legitimately funny humor, and even addresses some (still timely) social issues.  Don’t let that fool you though because there’s still scads of nudity here to make good on its exploitative promises.  

In short, this Schoolgirl Report makes the grade.

AKA:  Barely Innocent.  AKA:  Campus Swingers.  AKA:  Sex Education.  

AVENGERS: ENDGAME (2019) ****

Left Behind Meets Back to the Future 2 in the superhero movie to end all superhero movies.  

At three-hours, the ambitious, sprawling, jaw-dropping Avengers:  Endgame never feels long.  Every scene feels necessary and the directors, The Russo (Avengers:  Infinity War) Brothers build things slowly, leading to a raucous, free-for-all superhero royal rumble you’d expect from the culmination of a twenty-two-installment series.  At this point, the Marvel Cinematic Universe has become like the WWF.  The various single-character films are kind of like the weekly Raw and Smackdown shows.  Everything eventually leads up a giant Pay-Per-View (or in this case, Avengers movie).  You don’t necessarily need to see every installment to get the gist of it, but if you do, it’s fulfilling to see various storylines that have been carried out throughout the years finally reaching a satisfying climax.  

I’ll try to avoid the spoilers as much as possible.  In fact, the Marvel marketers deserve some kind of medal for keeping the whats and wherefores of the plot so closely guarded.  What I liked was that the Russos gave us these giant action sequences, but not at the expense of the characters.  Each one of the core group (those who weren’t dusted from Infinity War that is) get plenty of moments to shine.  There are enough quirky character beats here to satisfy fans, without feeling like gratuitous fan service (okay, so maybe there are one or two exceptions, but nothing major). 

If Age of Ultron was a Giant-Sized Annual comic book, and Infinity War was a limited-edition collector’s issue, Endgame is a multi-title crossover event.  There are so many narrative plates spinning at once, and yet it never feels jumbled or incoherent.  Even the eye-popping finale, while overstuffed, acts as sort of the icing on the cake.  Remember back in ’08 when the possibility of Iron Man teaming up with Hulk almost felt like a pipe dream?  Flash-forward to the present where just about every Marvel hero is front and center and you have yourself a fanboy’s (or fangirl’s) cinematic wet dream. 

I will try to be vague about certain plot points to avoid spoilers.  Instead, I’ll tell you what characters I felt fared best in this over-stuffed superhero bonanza: 

1)    Captain America.  Even though this is officially an Avengers movie, this is very much Captain America’s show.  He carries the weight of the team on his shoulders.  If he takes their victories in stride, he takes their losses personally.  His resilience in the face of unfathomable odds is what has endeared him to many over the years.  Endgame offers a perfect cap (no pun intended) on his long-running storyline.  Cap does things in this movie you always dreamed he’d do and does some equally memorable and awesome things you’d never thought you needed to see him do.  If indeed Chris Evans (who has never been better in the role) steps down from playing Cap, he can hold his head high knowing he went out on the highest note possible.

2)    Thor.  (Okay, there will be some spoilers in this paragraph.  Skip down to the next paragraph if you want to go in totally cold.)  Chris Hemsworth continues to play up the humorous side of Thor we saw in Ragnarok and imbues it with a heartfelt sense of loss, grief, and self-hatred.  Alternately hilarious and touching, Hemsworth, like Evans, is at his best, walking deftly between the poles of his character’s disparate emotions.  When he throws in the towel and lets himself go… all I have to say is… Dad Bod Thor is my new spirit animal.  

3)    Iron Man.  Like Cap, this very could well be Iron Man’s swan song.  If that is indeed the case, then Robert Downey, Jr. is going out on top.  He brings a lot of the emotional baggage of still being at odds with Cap in Civil War to the table, but he has other reasons (which I will not reveal) of not wanting to enter the fight.  Downey hits all the emotional high notes too, yet again knocking it out of the park.  

4)    Nebula.  Karen Gillan shines as Gamora’s grieving sister.  Wanting to take Thanos to task for dusting half the galactic population, she digs deeper here than in previous entries, exposing the raw, damaged, vulnerable side of her character we’ve never seen.  It’s truly one of the best performances of all the MCU movies.

5)    Black Widow.  For years we’ve seen glimpses of what makes Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) tick.  Here, grieving the loss of her fellow comrades, we see a new side of Widow:  Regret.  We also see how far she’s willing to go to put the past behind her and forge ahead into the future.  There’s one particular scene (again, which I won’t reveal) that got me a little choked up.

So, there you have it.  I’ve tried to be as un-spoiler-y as possible.  By now, the die-hards have already seen it (more than once).  I can’t quite call it the best Marvel Cinematic Universe movie of all time (there’s a LOT to take in, so I’ll have to give it multiple viewings before deciding on where it’ll land permanently), but it’s impossible to think that any Marvel fan will walk away disappointed.  That’s about the highest compliment I can give.

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 
Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****
The Incredible Hulk:  ****
Iron Man:  ****
Avengers:  Endgame:  ****
Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****
Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****
Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****
Iron Man 3:  ****
Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½
Ant-Man:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 
Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½
Black Panther:  *** ½ 
The Avengers:  ***
Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***
Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***
Captain Marvel:  ***
Thor:  ***
Thor:  The Dark World:  ***
Iron Man 2:  ***
Doctor Strange:  ** ½  

2019 Comic Book Movie Scorecard:
Avengers:  Endgame:  ****
Alita:  Battle Angel:  ***
Captain Marvel:  ***

Shazam!:  ***

MAX STEEL (2016) *

Movies have taught me a lot of things.  Probably one of the most important lessons I have learned is that if your father dies while performing a top-secret experiment and his former partner shows up offering you the world, you should probably run in the opposite direction.  This Max Steel guy obviously doesn’t watch as many movies as I do.

The plot of Max Steel is Mattel saw how much money Hasbro was making with the Transformers movies and tried to cash in with a film version of a toy I never heard of.  Too bad it followed the Jem and the Holograms business model with its low-tech vibe and ever lower budget.  (Right down to the annoying robot sidekick.)  It’s also similar in many ways to the recent Power Rangers flick as it’s a dark, dour, and grim affair.  Like that film, it keeps finding excuses to keep Max out of his power suit during its action sequences to further skimp on the budget. 

I’ve always been a believer that Maria Bello and Andy Garcia are two actors incapable of giving bad performances.  Max Steel is a movie that puts my beliefs to the test.  It’s not that they don’t try, it’s that the material is so inert that they are rarely ever given an opportunity to exhibit any sign of a pulse.  Ben Winchell, who plays Max, resembles a low-key Taylor Lautner.  He looks the part and all, but he has almost no screen presence.  

Director Stewart (Sorority Row) Hensler has no real discernable style.  He stages everything in a drab way that prevents the film from gathering any momentum.  The confusing editing, especially early on with all the flashbacks, also adds to the movie’s woes. 

The action is non-existent too.  Whenever something looks like it’s going to happen, things come to a grinding halt with no resolution.  The final fight is so darkly lit that you can’t tell what’s going on.  It also doesn’t help that the super suits the hero and villain wear look like a clunky combination of Power Ranger and Iron Man cosplay.  I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that Max Steel is almost entirely made of recycled material.  It deserves to be thrown in the recycling bin, that’s for sure.  

FEMALE CHAUVINISTS (1976) **

At a meeting of hardcore feminists, the lesbian leader, Ms. Fullabull (Nancy Field) proclaims, “Recruit the young!  The prepubescent young!”  The feminists then take to the streets to protest men and their chauvinistic behavior.  When they refuse to let a transvestite join their ranks, a photographer sets out to expose the feminists as frauds.  He gets his friend, Boopsie (Roxanne Brewer), a spitfire redhead, to join their ranks while he tries to get incriminating pictures.  While Boopsie prowls around Fullabull’s swanky home (complete with pool) looking for evidence, the photographer’s friend Vince (Rick Dillon) pretends to be a deaf-mute to infiltrate the camp.  It doesn’t take long before he’s converting the lesbians with his lovemaking prowess in an effort to expose them as sex-crazed hypocrites.  

Directed by Jourdan (Sex Wish) Alexander, Female Chauvinists is a slipshod, wildly uneven affair.  If you’re watching it to get off, it’s highly unlikely you’ll enjoy it as the hardcore footage is interspersed sporadically throughout the film.  Not only that, but the majority of the XXX stuff is brief and not very erotic.  The highlights are few and far between too.  The scene where the feminists have a group masturbation session with Dr. Pepper bottles is pretty great, and I did like the scene of the massively stacked Brewer riding horseback in the nude in slow motion.  

The humor is alternately corny and legitimately funny.  There’s a dream scene where the girls hold up a “sperm bank” (it’s just a couple of dudes jerking off in the woods) that works, and some of the dialogue is good for a laugh or two.  (Like when Ms. Fullabull says, “It may be a dog eat dog world out there, but it’s a pussy eat pussy world around here!”)  These few humorous moments aside, it just all runs out of steam long before the end credits roll.  The laughs dry up about halfway through as the third act mainly consists of one crudely edited hardcore scene after the other.

Still, the movie is marginally worth watching due to the performance of the buxom Brewer.  It’s also fun seeing Uschi Digart as a feminist named Pussy.  She even gets a lesbian scene with Brewer, although it’s marred by shitty camerawork, a lack of hardcore footage, and some awful dubbed-in moaning.  

AKA:  Pussy Brigade.  

THE IMMORAL THREE (1975) ***

Jane (Cindy Boudreau) is strangled to death while sunbathing on a balcony.  At her funeral, Jane’s three long-lost daughters, Sandy (Sandra Kay), Nancy (Michelle Marie), and Ginny (also played by Boudreau) meet for the first time.  They also learn their mother (whom they never met) was a special agent who slept with and killed enemy agents.  That means her daughters were “occupational side effects”.  Jane’s will states the three girls need to team up and find her murderer before they can collect the three-million-dollar inheritance.  They are given a list of four suspects and set out to determine which one is the killer.  

Early on in Doris Wishman’s The Immoral Three, one of the characters mention in passing that Jane was known as “Agent 73”.  That means this is actually an under the radar sequel to Double Agent 73!  All I have to say is that Cindy Boudreau is no Chesty Morgan, but then again, who is?  While she may not have Chesty’s impossible bustline, unlike Chesty, Boudreau can recite intelligible dialogue, which helps.  I guess.  There’s no camera boob gimmick this time out though, which is a little disappointing.  

The good news is, this is a Doris Wishman movie through and through.  It may not be up to the dizzying heights of Wishman’s classics like Double Agent 73, Let Me Die a Woman, and Deadly Weapons, but The Immoral Three has enough moments of WTF (Wishman’s Type of Filmmaking) to make it worthwhile.  There’s the oddball plot.  Misogyny.  Murder.  Nudity.  Shots of people walking slowly towards the camera.  And of course, random shots of feet.  As a bonus, the flick features what has to be the most inexplicable use of a xylophone found on a soundtrack.

The Immoral Three is one of Wishman’s better put together films.  Sure, it kind of drags around the halfway mark, but her Kitchen Sink approach assures you’ll be riveted.  While most of this plays like some sort of sexed-up mash-up of Charlie’s Angels and Mission:  Impossible, some scenes feel like a prototype for a slasher movie with a black-gloved killer stabbing people.  We also get a not-bad double twist ending.

The main draw will be the shit-ton of nudity.  The lovely ladies in the cast get naked at the drop of a hat.  Whether getting changed, skinny-dipping, or having sex (willingly and otherwise), there’s never a shortage of skin on screen.  

The nuttiest scene comes when Kay simulates fellatio with a banana to arouse a potential suspect.  When she goes down on him, Wishman superimposes shots of Kay sucking the banana over his face, which scores maximum laughs.  While I can’t say The Immoral Three lives up to the promise of Double Agent 73, moments like these assure exploitation fans will have loads of fun with it.

AKA:  Hotter Than Hell.  

FINAL IMPACT (1992) ***

Lorenzo Lamas stars as a former kickboxing champion slumming on the strip club circuit, fighting matches just before the oil wrestling main attraction.  A young, idealistic student (Michael Worth) wanting to make a name for himself comes to Lorenzo to pay homage.  After busting the kid’s balls a bit, Lamas eventually takes him under his wing so he can beat the fighter who stripped him of his belt.  

On the surface, Final Impact is a generic kickboxing movie.  If you look deeper, you find it’s a character study of how a man’s shortsighted quest for revenge winds up costing him everything.  I love stories about a stubborn ass man sticking to his guns, living life on his terms, and refusing to accept his situation until the last possible moment.   Sure, the sports genre clichés are overly familiar, and the fight choreography is nothing to brag about, but there’s plenty of quirky character moments here that help to make it memorable.

I knew Final Impact was going to be special the moment Worth beat a guy in the ring, pumped his fist, then pointed at Lamas and said, “I’m invincible!”  Later, back at the motel, Worth gets jumped by two guys in front of a Dr. Pepper machine.  Lamas intervenes and says, “Nobody’s invincible!”  What makes this scene so great is Lamas’ deadpan delivery… and the fact that he’s wearing a leather vest and no undershirt.  I know it doesn’t sound like much to hear me tell it, but I must’ve replayed this scene like three times, rolling in laughter each time.

Then of course there’s the great scene where Lamas gets drunk, breaks into the arena, and crawls into the empty ring where he falls to his knees and screams while flashbacks of his crushing defeat play out.  I’m not going to lie, the moment late in the third act when Lorenzo arrives at his big lifechanging realization, it’s unexpectedly powerful.  In lesser hands, a line like, “Winning isn’t about getting even.  It’s about being true to yourself!” would elicit chortles.  To hear Lamas tell it, it’s a heartbreaking punch to the gut.  

I can’t say this is Lamas’ best performance because that’s easily Snakeeater.  What I can say is he’s incredibly earnest, heartfelt, and genuine.  He hits the dramatic notes with surprising authority, but still looks funny with no shirt and cowboy hat while being belligerent too. What I’m saying is, Lorenzo Lamas is awesome.

VALLEY OF THE DRAGONS (1961) **

Cesare (National Lampoon’s Animal House) Danova and Sean (My Chauffeur) McClory star as two feuding men whose duel is interrupted by a comet crashing to earth.  They awaken to find themselves in a strange surrounding and eventually figure out they’ve somehow been swept away on the passing comet.  They soon put their differences aside and go exploring.  The two men wind up getting separated and find themselves on opposing sides of a caveman tribal war. 

Based on a story by Jules Verne, Valley of the Dragons earns points for not wasting any time getting the show on the road.  It kicks things off in fine fashion with the scene of the comet literally sweeping Danova and McClory off their feet.  It doesn’t take long to get bogged down from there though.  The caveman scenes are slowly paced and the final dinosaur battle (that’s right, they’re not even dragons), which is nothing more than lizards with fins glued onto their backs, goes on far too long.  

Most of this is laughable and cheap.  You can get some amusement from seeing elephants covered in fur being passed off as mastodons and forced perspective shots of anteaters and armadillos.  Fans will also have fun spotting the wholesale swiping of footage from One Million B.C., King Dinosaur, and even Rodan being recycled for the action sequences.  The spider monster from Cat-Women of the Moon is even reused briefly.  The skull-faced Neanderthal men are kind of creepy too, but for the most part, the overreliance on stock footage and the soggy pacing in the second half ultimately sink this Valley.

AKA:  Prehistoric Valley.  

RAW TALENT (1984) ***

Raw Talent begins with a warning that states the film contains “Subliminal Suggestions”.  Turns out there are flashes of the word “Masturbate” during one of the sex scenes.  If that doesn’t tip you off this is going to be special, the opening scene will.

Jerry Butler is a struggling actor working in a diner.  An old bitchy customer comes in ten minutes before closing time wanting a turkey sandwich.  After belittling Jerry, he goes in the back, whips out his dick, and fucks the roasted turkey until he cums in her sandwich.  

Yes, this movie is as awesome as it sounds.

Jerry learns his co-worker (Joey Silvera) is a porn star and decides to visit the set.  The icy director (the great Lisa DeLeeuw) constantly berates Silvera as he tries to fuck on film.  There’s a hilarious bit when Joey goes down on an actress and accidentally drops his gum on her pubic hair.  It gets stuck in her pubes, and the make-up lady has to cut it out with scissors (and shave her).  When Joey experiences premature ejaculation, Jerry takes over and proves he’s got the stuff to be a star.  

Later, at a party, he bangs DeLeeuw, but she doesn’t want him to cum on her.  She tells him to cum on the plant, which of course, turns out to be a cactus and he winds up injuring himself.  (“I pricked my prick!”)

Did I mention this movie is awesome?

This is followed by a scene where Butler gets attacked by muggers and he fights them off using his Kung Fu moves.  The fight is so exaggerated and over the top that at first, you may think it’s part of a scene he’s filming for a movie.  Nope, it’s just part of his everyday life.  Incredible.  

Jerry eventually finds work on a soap opera.  When it comes out he’s an ex-porn star, he gets fired.  He learns DeLeeuw told the press about his porno past and ruined career, and he gets his revenge by shoving her face in the bidet and sodomizing her.  

The story jumps around a lot in the third act.  It’s here where Jerry goes to jail and gets released in the span of a jump cut.  He also gets a girlfriend in the same amount of time.  When he catches her fucking Ron Jeremy, it leads to an all-out Kung Fu battle between Jeremy and Butler!  Clearly modeled on Enter the Dragon, with Butler “WAAAAHing” and “WOOOOing” like Bruce Lee, the choreography is surprisingly competent, and the two stars give it their all.  In the end, Butler has to fight another actor (literally) for a coveted role.  

It’s not perfect, but Raw Talent is one of those ‘80s pornos that is justifiably legendary.  Don’t be dismayed that I basically told you all the highlights, because trust me, that won’t do it justice.  You’ve got to see this thing to believe it.  Even then, I can’t guarantee you’ll believe your eyes.

DeLeeuw gets the best line of the movie when she tells Silvera:  “Pussies are like English Muffins.  You got to spread them to get to all those nooks and crannies!”

VENDETTA (2015) **

Dean Cain stars as a detective who arrests a notorious criminal played by WWE superstar Paul “Big Show” Wight.  Big Show gets out of jail and murders Cain’s pregnant wife and goes right back to prison.  Cain goes crazy and gets himself thrown in jail to get revenge on Big Show.  He soon learns Big Sexy is running his vast criminal empire out of prison with the help of dirty prison guards.  Before going through with his vendetta, Cain first dedicates himself to tearing down Big Show’s operation from the inside.  

Vendetta is a WWE movie from directors Jen and Sylvia (Dead Hooker in a Trunk) Soska.  This is actually their second go-round directing WWE flicks after helming the Kane horror sequel See No Evil 2.  There’s been a lot of talk lately about the need for more women directors.  I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment.  It’s just that the Soskas’ unique talents are wasted on this generic WWE actioner.  The Soskas trot out the usual prison clichés and handle all the brawls, riots, shivs, etc. efficiently enough and direct the action in a competent manner.  However, there’s nothing here that really grabs you either and you’ll probably find yourself forgetting most of it soon after you watch it.  

Cain does a fine job in the lead.  The former Superman does a decent slow burn.  He probably deserves better gigs than this and the occasional talking dog movie.  Big Show handles himself quite well.  He has considerable screen presence and makes for a formidable foe.  Ultimately, both men are let down by the no-frills screenplay, which never quite gets itself into gear.

THE SHEIK (2014) ****

The Iron Sheik is one of the greatest wrestling heels of all time.  This surprising, heartfelt, and engrossing documentary reveals him to be a likeable teddy bear of a man.  Throughout the film, we see his highs (in both senses of the word) and his lows, but the determination of the man shows through every step of the way.  

As a young man, Khosrow Vaziri was one of the top wrestlers in Iran.  When the Iranian champion dies under mysterious circumstances, it stinks of government assassination.  Fearing for his life, Vaziri skips to America where he becomes an Olympic wrestling coach before hooking up with wrestling legend Verne Gagne.  Using his Iranian heritage to play upon anti-Iranian sentiment in the ‘70s, Vaziri christens himself The Iron Sheik and becomes a legend of the ring.  

It is a testament to The Sheik’s legacy that so many wrestlers come up to him and pay homage during interview segments.  (The Rock reveals The Sheik used to babysit him.)  It’s quite amazing to see just how many careers he helped shape whether training them behind the scenes or giving them a boost by playing the heel.  It’s particularly nice seeing the usually hubristic Hulk Hogan acknowledging the fact that without The Sheik, there would be no Hulkamania. I’ll admit, seeing them hugging like brothers got me a bit misty-eyed. 

I’ve always felt a kinship with the heels, and that feeling is even more pronounced now I’m an adult.  It takes a lot of character to roll over and take a fall to promote the baby face (AKA:  “Good Guy”), especially when you’re as great of a heel as The Sheik and everyone in the arena wants you dead for real.  It’s even more of a badge of honor when you learn that Gagne offered The Sheik $100,000 to break Hogan’s leg in an effort to sabotage Vince McMahon’s fledgling WWF.  Even though his gimmick was pure heel, he was always a baby face at heart.

His career took a drastic nose dive when he was busted for drugs with “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.  What’s amazing about this is that the fans did not get upset that The Sheik was in possession of drugs, but that the heel and the baby face were riding in the same car together.  This incident is critiqued by many at the moment that shattered the illusion of “real” and “fake” wrestling.  As if they had to be mortal enemies in and out of the ring. 

From then on, his addictions to drugs and alcohol not only derail his career, but also threaten to push his family away.  Like most wrestling storylines, this is a tale of redemption.  After years of heading down a dark path, The Sheik reinvents himself into a social media phenomenon, making hilarious YouTube videos and becoming one of the most recognizable Twitter celebrities.  Today, he’s just as well known for his Twitter tirades as he is for his Camel Clutch.  I think there’s a lesson there for all of us.  

If you’ll indulge me, I must tell you my Iron Sheik story.  Back in the late ‘90s, I used to work on the boardwalk, and one night, while on my break, I went out to get a soda.  As I leaned down to get the Coke out of the machine, I heard a crowd of people chanting behind me and much to my surprise, there was The Iron Sheik strutting around waving the Iranian flag.  It was a surreal moment.  I soon found out he was just doing publicity for an indie wrestling show the next night.  As any wrestling fan would, I showed up, but I was perplexed that The Sheik was not on the card.  I just figured he got hurt or something and couldn’t attend.  The next evening, I went down to get another soda, and lo and behold, The Sheik was sitting on a bench.  No headdress, no flag, no crowd of people.  I approached him and he shook my hand.  I told him I missed him at the show the night before and he said, “Oh, I wasn’t wrestling, I was just promoting the show for my friends.”  I always thought that said a lot about the Sheik that he would use his name to help promote other, lesser-known acts.  If that isn’t was legends are made of, I don’t know what is.

CHEAP THRILLS (2014) *** ½

The Innkeepers’ Pat Healy and Sara Paxton are reunited for this surprising, wild, and highly entertaining flick.  Healy is an out of work mechanic with a mountain of debt who runs into an old friend (Ethan Embry) at a strip club who ekes out a living as a skeevy loan shark.  While hanging out, they get propositioned by a rich couple (David Koechner and Paxton) to do stupid dares for money.  As the monetary value goes up, the dares naturally get riskier.  They head back to the couple’s home where they notice a safe loaded with cash.  Embry decides to rip him off, which is about when all hell breaks loose.  

Co-written by Troma alum Trent Haaga, Cheap Thrills offers a good mix of hardboiled drama, crime comedy, and balls-out horror.  The way the social awkwardness escalates into flat-out savagery is often surprising and funny.  It’s a great social commentary on how far a cash-strapped working-class person will go to provide for their family, as well as how the rich delight in fucking around with poor people.  

The performances are uniformly great.  Healy has a nice Everyman quality about him, and you feel bad when he winds up way in over his head.  Embry (who’s quickly becoming the go-to guy for indie horror movies after Late Phases and The Devil’s Candy) is equally absorbing as the unscrupulous friend who eventually shows signs of a conscience.  Koechner is perfectly cast as the loudmouth asshole.  He has a knack of saying something disturbing, but playing it off like he’s joking (although you have the sinking suspicion he’s dead serious).  Paxton fares well as the blonde vixen who suggests there’s more to her seemingly vapid exterior.

Cheap Thrills is alternately darkly humorous and hair-raising.  Director E.L. Katz gets the most out of his talented cast and the minimal locations.  Situations have a way of unexpectedly blowing up or taking odd left turns, and Katz plays them up to the hilt.  The finale is especially powerful.  

In short, there’s nothing cheap about these thrills.

SILENCE (2016) ***

Andrew Garfield and Adam Driver star as priests sent by Ciaran Hinds to find their mentor Liam Neeson, who apotheosized under torture in Japan and disappeared.  They can’t believe the man who taught them everything they know would turn his back on the church, so they go to Japan to investigate.  Knowing they will be captured, tortured, and killed if found out, they hook up with the Christian underground to find Neeson.  Along the way, they try to save Christians from rampant Japanese persecution.  

Director Martin Scorsese uses a lot of Akira Kurosawa influences throughout Silence.  From the fog shrouded mountains to the cramped huts to the torch-lit caves, the film oozes atmosphere.  You can almost feel dampness of the inhospitable landscape.    

Silence also gives Scorsese another chance to exorcise his heavy Catholicism themes of guilt, suffering, and redemption.  It’s also a little bit of a Men on a Mission movie as our heroes march into a foreign land to rescue a fallen comrade.  Once Garfield is captured, it kind of turns into a POW drama, complete with scenes of grueling torture, both mental and physical.  (It would also make a good double feature with Apocalypse Now as the mystery of Neeson’s disappearance is similar in some ways to Colonel Kurtz.)

Silence is engrossing and heartbreaking in the early going, but it sort of loses its way and gets draggy once Garfield is captured.  The focus on religious persecution and suffering means it’s not a lot of fun.  It’s a heavy movie; well shot, well-acted.  It’s just at 161 minutes, it plods in places.  Still, there’s no denying that a few scenes pack a real wallop.  

Despite a few quibbles, the central themes of the film keep you watching.  Garfield’s devotion to his faith leads to not only his suffering, but to the suffering of others.  In a battle of faith, how far would you go?  Would you renounce God to save yourself?  What about your friends?  Entire villages?    Where do you draw the line?  Garfield does a fine job in these heavy scenes, though I must admit the movie loses a lot of weird energy once Driver departs from the narrative.  

No matter how dark the film gets, there are rays of hope that shine through.  I’m speaking of the scenes where Garfield offers confession to the Japanese Christians, even if they can’t understand one another.  It’s a great way to show that religion crosses borders, races, and languages.  

DANGEROUS GAME (1991) **

Dangerous Game is the movie that got Aussie director Stephen Hopkins noticed.  By the time this was released on video in the states, Hopkins had already directed A Nightmare on Elm Street 5 and Predator 2.  He has a slick style that sets the film apart from many of its Ozploitation contemporaries, but that isn’t quite enough to distinguish it from the pack.  

A group of kids hack into a department store’s security system on a bet and break into the place.  A possibly psychotic cop named Murphy (Stephen Grives), who’s been hassling them mercilessly, follows them into the store, puts on a mask, and tries to scare them.  One of the kids winds up dead, and the cop sets out to kill the other teens in order to cover his tracks.  

I remember seeing the VHS of this back in the day on video store shelves and laughing at the way they blatantly tried to make it look like a Die Hard knockoff.  They even made up Grives to look like Bruce Willis with his closely cropped hair and dirty white tank top.  It’s safe to say anyone who rented this expecting a Die Hard rip-off was severely disappointed.  Sure, it takes place in a contained area, but it’s a lot closer to Psycho Cop than Die Hard.  

The problem is Hopkins takes an inordinate time getting the show on the road.  A lot of time is spent on both the teens and the cop before they finally get to the mall.  I realize some of these scenes are essential to establishing the characters, but they honestly could’ve been paced tighter.  Even the scenes inside the mall have a tendency to dawdle.  The ending is a bit of a disappointment too.  

Hopkins has a nice style.  The camera moves around a lot (especially inside the mall) and some of the camera angles are quirky and/or interesting.  The scene where a ball bearing rolls down a stationary escalator is sort of mesmerizing.  Most of these cinematic gymnastics are only there to disguise the thin plot.  

Grives is pretty good as the crazed cop.  There’s a fun scene where he tries to smash up the security system while screaming like a lunatic.  As he does so, he keeps seeing the murder being replayed again and again on the screen.  It’s a memorable sequence, but these highlights are unfortunately few and far between.  

THE MAN WHO KILLED DON QUIXOTE (2019) ** ½

Terry Gilliam’s obsession has finally paid off.  It took over twenty years, several false starts, cataclysms, natural disasters, and multiple deaths, but The Man Who Killed Don Quixote is at long last here.  It’s telling that Gilliam and Orson Welles both tried to make Don Quixote movies that were allegedly cursed.  It just goes to show you have to be some sort of mad genius to even attempt it.  

Adam Driver stars as Toby, a director who walks off the set of his latest commercial and goes sightseeing.  He returns to the town where he shot his first student film in which he cast a little old shoemaker (Jonathan Pryce) as Don Quixote.  Much to his surprise, the man still lives in town, and fully convinced he is actually Don Quixote (complete with armor).  Thinking Toby is his trusty sidekick Sancho, they ride off together looking for adventure.

If you’re familiar with Gilliam’s quest to make this movie, and have seen the documentary Lost in La Mancha, you will get a kick out of seeing scenes from that film finally being realized.  Not only that, it’s fun hearing little bits from Lost in La Mancha creeping into the narrative.  It’s as if the lines between Gilliam’s pursuit of completing the picture and the picture itself have blurred over time.  

Is the movie good?  It’s kind of a moot point by now.  It exists.  For that, we should be grateful.  

It’s a Gilliam movie.  It carries his distinct style.  It’s similar in many regards to The Fisher King.  There are even some nods to his Monty Python days.  The script is kind of sloppy, and the film goes on far too long.  It particularly threatens to spin out of control in the third act, although the finale is quite appropriate.  Even through its clunkiest passages, you get the sense that because Gilliam went through such hell to complete it, every bit of footage is going to be up on screen, by god.  It’s a testament to true grit and determination that we’re even able to lay eyes on it.

It all mostly works because of Driver’s performance.  He’s constantly making quips and muttering one-liners to himself.  He’s often quite funny playing the straight man to Pryce’s bombastic theatrics; stealing whole scenes with a single line or even a look.

While not the classic we might’ve been hoping for, The Man Who Killed Don Quixote lives.  

24 HOURS TO LIVE (2017) **

Ethan Hawke stars as a grieving husband and father.  He also happens to be an unemployed hitman struggling with addiction issues.  He gets killed while trying to pull one last job and is brought back to life temporarily by his employer to finish the hit.  One catch:  He’s only given 24 hours to live, but at least they fit him with a handy countdown clock embedded in his wrist so he can keep track of how much time he has left.  Instead of going after his target, Hawke joins forces with them to bring down the corpse rejuvenation program.

I’m a sucker for a good Hawkesploitation movie.  (Violent, sci-fi, and/or pulpy flicks Ethan Hawke makes when he isn’t busy doing indie films.)  Most of them are a cut above the rest.  They look like B pictures, but they have more depth or heart to them than what lies on the surface.  Take a look at Predestination, Assault on Precinct 13, or In a Valley of Violence.  This is one of the rare missteps for the genre.  

24 Hours to Live wastes a good idea, which is kind of what makes it frustrating.  It sort of plays like a more dramatic, less imaginative version of Dead Heat.  After a decent set-up, it shits the bed in short order and the Spray n’ Wash is nowhere to be found.  

I liked the nonchalant way Hawke dispatched a couple of goons in a strip club.  That little touch is more memorable and compelling than the generic car chases, shoot outs, and various action bits that populate the rest of the film.  (Some of which contain far too much slow motion.)  The final raid on the villain’s lair has some coldblooded moments, but it’s ultimately too little too late.

Hawke is fun to watch as usual.  Even when the funky plot is stumbling over itself, he keeps you marginally involved.  There’s also a nice turn by Rutger Hauer as Hawke’s beach bum dad.  He isn’t in it very much, and you’ll wish he had more to do, but he does get one great moment dispatching some mofos with a shotgun.

AKA:  24H Limit.

THE STRAP-ON ADVENTURE (1997) ***

Julie K. Smith and Lorissa McComas are two of my favorite Scream Queens of the ‘90s.  If you feel the same way, you’ll definitely want to check out this half-hour porno the two ladies filmed for a private collector.  As far as porn goes, you’ve seen much better.  The camerawork is shitty, the lighting is bad, and the editing is shoddy.  However, since it features Julie humping Lorissa with multiple vibrators, it’s something of a must-see.  

Lorissa lays on the bed talking to the cameraman, Ben, saying she just ordered a dominatrix.  Julie then strolls into the bedroom wearing a leather harness and a black latex mask.  The two fool around for a bit before the cameraman tells them that a guy named “Vinnie” wants to see Lorissa fucked good.  Julie then uses a vibrator on Lorissa before shoving an enormous strap-on inside her.  Later, she makes Lorissa cum by using a contraption that can only be described as nunchuck dildos.

The big debit here is the constant intrusions by the cameraman, Ben.  His running commentary doesn’t help anyone who isn’t named “Vinnie”.  (“Vinnie wants to see you get fucked.”)  Still, there’s no denying the chemistry between the two performers.  While the film takes a little while to get going, the final few minutes are really something to see.

I’m sure neither lady is especially proud of her work here.  (Lorissa looks uncomfortable most of the time and Julie never takes her mask off.)  I don’t know the level of regret involved in making this video.  All I know is, I don’t regret watching it.  If you’re a fan of either lady, you’ll want to check it out, if only for the curiosity factor.  

McComas (who died in 2009 at the age of 38) also starred in private hardcore videos alongside another Scream Queen, Nikki Fritz.