ROLLER GATOR (1996) ½ *

P.J. (Sandra Shuker) is walking on the beach when she hears a strange voice.  She follows it to a cave and finds a purple wisecracking baby alligator named… uh… Baby Gator.  Predictably, the owner of a nearby carnival (Joe Estevez) wants to exploit the alligator for his latest attraction.  It’s then up to P.J. to get the gator back to his swamp home.

Shot on video by director Donald G. (Hell Comes to Frogtown) Jackson, Roller Gator is a jaw-dropping shitshow of epic proportions.  It’s obvious Jackson was trying to capitalize on the Rollerblading craze in the ‘90s, a craze he had earlier exploited in films like Roller Blade.  This time, he adds a (not terrible) hand puppet into the mix.  Even worse, is that he tried to make it into a kid’s movie.  I’m not sure you could find a kid willing enough to make it through the first five minutes.  

Looking something like a cross between a locally produced commercial for an amusement park and your little sister’s home movie she based around a Land Before Time puppet she got from Pizza Hut, Roller Gator is a painful experience.  From the obvious jokes (“You need some Gatorade!  Get it?  GATOR-ade?”), to the shitty videography, and the incessant guitar music that threatens to drown out the dialogue at every turn (which might be a blessing), it’s a goddamn mess.  If you thought Roller Blade was bad, nothing could prepare you for this.  

Wait till you get to the “touching” scenes of P.J. bonding with Baby Gator.  If you think they’re terrible, wait till the annoying gator starts doing impressions.  If that doesn’t make you want to blow your brains out, the scenes where the gator raps will.  If that doesn’t do the trick, maybe the unending scenes of Estevez stumbling around the carnival with his nephew will put you over the edge.  

Shuker is the only worthwhile thing in the picture.  She actually seems like she’s having a conversation with a character and not just a cheap hand puppet.  She never acted in anything else, which may have been for the best.  The nightmare of starring in this probably put her off acting forever.

Oh, and did I mention we also have Conrad Brooks as a “swamp farmer”?  Yes, the same Conrad Brooks from all those Ed Wood flicks.  Say what you will about Ed Wood, he never made a movie as bad as Roller Gator.