KILLING AMERICAN STYLE (1988) **

Killing American Style is the unmistakable work of Amir Shervan, director of Samurai Cop and Young Rebels.  It features all his trademarks:  Cheap action scenes, gratuitous nudity, and Robert Z’Dar acting like a madman.  As a bonus, we have none other than Jim Brown as the detective out to bust Z’Dar.

Hardened criminal Z’Dar is on a bus bound for prison.  His buddies try to bust him out, and during the escape, one of his crew is shot.  Z’Dar breaks into a house and forces the bikini-clad inhabitants to call for a doctor.  When the kickboxing man of the house (Harold Diamond) comes home early, he must find a way to save his family.  

The opening holds a lot of promise.  There’s a long scene where bad guy John Lynch auditions some prospective dancers. After a lot of spandex-clad gyrating, Delia Sheppard (also in Young Rebels) gets the job when she balls him in the bathroom.  A Chorus Line eat your heart out! 

For a little while, it’s your typical Shervan tits-and-action romp.  The fun pretty much dries up though once Z’Dar and his goons take control of the house.  It’s here where the film devolves into a kind of half-assed Desperate Hours.  The home invasion scenes are sluggishly paced and become quickly monotonous due to their repetitive nature.  Seeing Jim Brown trying to maintain his dignity in such schlocky surroundings certainly is worthy of a few chuckles, but not nearly enough to put Killing American Style into the win column.

SHAFT (2019) ****

When Richard Roundtree sauntered through the streets of New York in 1971’s Shaft, it announced not only the arrival of an iconic African-American action hero, but the arrival of an entire genre of Blaxploitation action films.  In 2000, Samuel L. Jackson took up the mantle as Shaft’s nephew, made the character his own, and brought the concept into the 21^st century.  Now it’s Jessie T. Usher’s turn to portray the next generation of bad mother... I’ll shut my mouth.  

I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone that Usher has some very large shoes to fill.  The fact that the filmmakers tackle this subject head-on is the key to enjoying Shaft.  His Shaft is a computer-savvy millennial sorely lacking the masculinity of a bygone era.  When his friend is murdered, he is left with no choice but to turn to his estranged father, Shaft (Jackson) for help.  While attempting to solve the case, they try to reconcile their differences while Shaft tries to impart manly wisdom and badass hard knocks street smarts to his gun-shy son.

If you want an updated, modernized take on a Blaxploitation classic, stay far away from Shaft.  Watch last year’s sadly neglected Superfly remake instead. If you want a hilarious Buddy Cop action comedy that’s more of a throwback to the action flicks of the ‘80s than a love letter to the ‘70s, then the new Shaft is where it’s at. It also happens to be the most entertaining movie of the year.  In fact, this Shaft is the best Shaft that’s ever Shafted.  

(Oh, and for the record, actual the on-screen title of Shaft (2019) is Shaft (c) MCMLXXI, which is pretty cool.)

I can understand why some reviewers were put off by the tone of Shaft.  The original films were gritty, hardnosed, and badass.  This one plays more like a Lethal Weapon sequel.  There is nothing wrong with that either.  It acknowledges that Shaft’s methods, while they still work, have gone the way of the dinosaur.  While he constantly verbally dunks on the perpetually in-over-his-head Shaft Jr., the son continually proves that he can hold his own against his own man.  Sure, he may be a little prim and proper, but when the shit hits the fan, he proves to have enough of the old Shaft magic in him to be worthy of the name. 

The generation gap comedy is the most entertaining portion of the film.  The plot is rather predictable and bare-bones, which is fine, seeing as the plot is straight out of your standard detective movie.  Infusing humor and heart to a traditionally gritty franchise was a bold move, but director Tim Story pays it off in surprising and often hilarious ways.

I can understand why many will be dismayed.  Shaft repeatedly tells his son to rally against “The Man” while the film simultaneously is a product of said Man.  It’s (slightly) homogenized and lacks the aggressive swagger of the original.  However, it pays tribute to every incarnation of the character, embraces it, but sends it kicking and screaming into the future.  It’s about family, fathers and sons, and kicking lots of ass along the way.  I’m a sucker for shit like this.

It’s also Jackson’s best post-Snakes on a Plane performance, which automatically kind of makes it a must-see.  

Roundtree eventually gets in on the fun during the finale.  It’s truly a blast seeing three generations coming together to battle the bad guys, and it makes for a fist-pumping good time.  There’s even a moment that directly references an iconic scene from the original that subverts your expectations and also happens to be one of the funniest things you’ll see all year.

Even though Jackson gets most of the laughs, it’s Usher who gets the best line of the movie.  When his vengeance-seeking father sets out to get payback on the man who mistreated his son, Shaft Jr. asks, “Can’t we just send him a tersely-worded text?”

MERCENARY (1997) ** ½

John Ritter is a millionaire CEO whose wife is killed in a terrorist attack by Martin Kove. The government won’t do anything about it, so he hires mercenary Olivier Gruner to retaliate against the terrorists.  There’s just one catch:  Ritter wants to be the one who pulls the trigger.  That presents a problem since he’s a businessman and not a hardened soldier.  Gruner then must put him through a crash course boot camp before they drop in behind enemy lines and go after Kove.

Directed by Avi (Doppelganger) Nesher, Mercenary kicks off with a fun opening “How Badass is He?” scene where we see Gruner kill a gang of kidnappers using only a pen and a credit card.  Nesher films the action scenes competently and offers up interesting variations on the usual formula such as the addition of hang gliders and go-karts to the action.  It’s probably a bit long and drawn out, and suffers from a lackluster finale, but there are plenty of shootouts and explosions to be had.

The fun cast also helps keep you engaged.  This is probably Gruner’s best performance.  He’s a tight-lipped no-nonsense kind of guy, but his sense of honor and heart of gold makes him more endearing than most of the characters he’s played.  His interactions with Robert Culp (great as always), who plays his handler, are surprisingly moving.  Culp only has a few months to live and the way Gruner watches over him offer some of the best moments in the movie.  

It’s also amusing seeing the usually mild-mannered Ritter dropping F-Bombs and trying to act tough.  The fact that he starred in this and Sling Blade back-to-back really shows the extent of his range.  Kove makes for an ideal villain although he disappears from the action much too soon.  At least the always reliable Ed (Death Wish 3) Lauter is around to pick up the villainy baton about halfway through.  

DRAGGED ACROSS CONCRETE (2019) *** ½

With Bone Tomahawk and Brawl in Cell Block 99, writer/director S. Craig Zahler has proved to be one of the most interesting voices in film today.  No one has combined hardboiled narratives, pitch black humor, and quirky characters like this since Tarantino.  Dragged Across Concrete is further proof that Zahler has the goods.

Mel Gibson and Vince Vaughn are two cops who’ve just been suspended for roughing up a suspect.  Tory Kittles is a convict freshly out of jail who teams up with his pal Michael Jai White and a team of trigger-happy killers to pull off a daring heist.  Faced with an uncertain retirement plan and needing to set their families up with some semblance of stability, Gibson and Vaughn trail the criminals, hoping to cut themselves in on the loot.  Things quickly go south, and a bloodbath ensues.  

Zahler writes full-blooded characters that sizzle and pop.  They’re full of flaws, broken dreams, and unscrupulous aspirations.  He still wants you to root for them, despite all that, and it’s almost impossible not to.  These guys have been beaten up by life, especially Gibson’s character who readily admits his inability to change has caused him to be stuck in a rut.  Tired of a vocation that requires him to round up “imbeciles”, pulling this job is his only chance to provide for his family.  Likewise, Vaughn is fascinating to watch.  He’s flashy and funny, and seemingly has everything going for him, although he has his own set of very different problems.  He’s relatively young and wants to propose to his girlfriend, so maybe grabbing some quick cash now will allow him to sidestep the very same mistakes Gibson’s made.  Kittles’ character has his own noble intentions about the money, which makes him not too different from the corrupt cops.  Like them, he only wants to provide for his family.  They just so happen to be on opposite sides of the coin.  And the law.  

Much has been made about the movie’s length.  Zahler is a novelist, so he approaches each scene almost as if it were a chapter in a book.  Not only does each scene have a distinct beginning, middle, and end, they also have their own rhythm too.  Sometimes, he wants you to really feel the length (like the overlong stakeout sequence), if only to give you an opportunity to swim inside the characters’ skin for a bit.  My favorite moment doesn’t even involve the main characters.  It’s a long scene focusing on a seemingly inconsequential character that almost feels like it’s from another movie.  Don't worry, its payoff provides one of the biggest gasps of the entire movie.

It lacks the gut-punch intensity of Brawl in Cell Block 99, and some of the points Zahler makes is a tad too on-the-nose, but Dragged Across Concrete remains a fine companion piece, nonetheless.  Many of the same major players appear.  It’s fun seeing Jennifer Carpenter, Don Johnson, and Udo Kier popping up and making the most of their smallish roles.  I especially liked Johnson as Gibson’s boss who tells him he’s about to be fired because the media has acquired footage of him behaving badly.  Gibson is particularly excellent in this scene, possibly owing to the fact that he knows a thing or two about having a bad news day.  

DARK PHOENIX (2019) ***

Dark Phoenix isn’t the final X-Men movie (unless The New Mutants gets shelved permanently), but it kind of feels like it (and I’m not saying that just because it was a box office dud either).  Set in 1992, eight years before the original film, it brings the series full circle.  After the last few big budget spectacles, this one returns to the dark, low-tech vibe of the first film.  Instead of the bright costumes of the past few sequels, we’re back to tattooed mutants wearing biker and S & M gear.  I kinda liked that.  The lower budget (at least it looks lower budgeted) does help make it look like it logistically was made BEFORE the original.  Major fight scenes occur in a deserted small town, a cordoned off block of city street, and on a train.  It definitely feels like something out of a ‘90s flick.  

Critics savaged it, but Dark Phoenix isn’t nearly as a bad as they’d lead you to believe.  I’ll admit, it’s far from perfect.  It suffers from serious déjà vu from X-Men 3 as Jean Grey (Sophie Turner) causes another death of a major character with her out-of-control mutant powers.  I guess it’s residual ripple effect from Wolverine going back in time in Days of Future Past.  Stuff that happened before is happening again, albeit in a slightly modified form.  I can concede that first-time director Simon Kinberg (who’s been a producer on the series for years) brings little of the pizazz that Bryan Singer and Brett Ratner gave their X-Men entries.  

Still, there are enough interesting bits here to keep it all from feeling stale.  I liked how Jean’s rampage causes the X-Men to become divided.  Professor X (James McAvoy) is too full of hubris to admit he made a mistake with Jean.  Magneto (Michael Fassbender) certainly has a point as he rallies his Brotherhood (and X-Men alike) to take Jean down.  It’s been a theme throughout the series that Professor X and Magneto want the same goal, just go about it in different ways.  Dark Phoenix gives their relationship an interesting wrinkle in that Magneto is in the right and he just goes about it in the wrong way while Professor X is revealed to be a less than perfect father figure (although he was only doing what he thought was best), and yet he still tries to do the right thing by Jean. 

We also have the subtext of men constantly telling a woman to control her emotions until she finally snaps and lays waste to everything around her.  Professor X thought he was helping Jean by holding her back, while in hindsight, he should’ve been nurturing her.  The fact that the Professor is too proud to admit he was wrong gives him a unique character flaw that allows him to feel fresh.  You can see why Magneto and Jean would rebel against him, even if he was only trying to save the world from Jean’s awesome powers. 

The casting of Jessica Chastain as the villain had promise.  Too bad the execution is kind of disappointing.  She’s a great actress and tries her best, but she isn’t given much to work with.  (Her character supposedly received a major overhaul in post-production.)  Turner is good, although she pales next to Famke Janssen‘s portrayal of Jean in the original trilogy.  As much as I loved seeing Evan Peters once again as Quicksilver, unfortunately he gets sidelined for much of the film. 

On the plus side, the rapport between Fassbender and McAvoy is as good as ever.  Their scenes give the film the juice needed to propel it along. Nicholas Hoult also manages to find some new ways to inject life into the character of Beast.  (Oh, and there’s at least one great cameo in there that I wouldn’t dream of spoiling.)  If this is indeed the last film with this cast, it will be a shame.  However, it ends on a nice enough note and serves as a decent send-off to our beloved characters.

X-MEN MOVIE SCORECARD:

X-Men: Apocalypse: ****

Deadpool: ****
X-Men: Days of Future Past: ****
X-Men 2: X-Men United: ****
X-Men: ****
X-Men 3: The Last Stand: ****
Logan:  ****
X-Men: First Class: *** ½
Deadpool 2: *** ½
X-Men: Origins: Wolverine: *** ½
Dark Phoenix: ***
The Wolverine: ***

2019 Comic Book Movie Scorecard:
Avengers:  Endgame:  ****
Alita:  Battle Angel:  ***
Captain Marvel:  ***
Shazam!:  ***
Dark Phoenix:  ***

RISING LIKE A PHOENIX… THE RETURN OF A MOVIE THEATER

I’m not exactly sure when it happened, probably sometime in 1986 if my movie-watching notes are correct, but it was a big deal when a new movie theater—the Fox White Marlin Mall theater--opened ten minutes away from my house (in Ocean City, Maryland) when I was a kid.  Before then, our family had to travel a half-hour away to see a film in the theater, and as a young movie-obsessed boy, having a theater in such close proximity was pure bliss.  The expression is usually, “like a kid in a candy store”, but for this kid, it was “like a kid in a movie theater.”

The theater housed many cherished movie memories for me.  I remember sitting awestruck watching the classic John Carpenter films, Big Trouble in Little China, Prince of Darkness, and They Live on the big screen for the first time.  Seeing the unadulterated Ninja vs. Samurai classic, The Hunted and the immortal Death Wish 5 were other highlights.  Probably the best memory was waiting in line for two hours to see the midnight show of The Phantom Menace.

What was cool about the theater was that being so close to a seaside resort, there was nothing to do in the winter.  To lure in the crowds, the theater had $1.00 shows of second-run movies in the wintertime.  The price eventually increased over the years (to a whopping $3.00 if memory serves).  Because of the thrifty price, I was able to not only take a chance on movies I wouldn’t normally have seen, but also see beloved movies again and again.  (I distinctly remember the first dollar showing of Pulp Fiction being sold out.)  

After decades of dedicated service, the White Marlin Mall theater closed its doors, seemingly for good in 2007.  The last movie I saw there was 3:10 to Yuma.  It was a bittersweet memory.  I remember the movie more fondly because of the circumstances I saw it under than for the movie itself.  

The theater turned into a Michael’s and for a long time, whenever I went into the store (which was rare), I would feel a tinge of melancholy.  There was a wistful yearning for the past mixed with a sort of sense of finality.  That the good times were gone for good.

Then, a year ago, the unthinkable happened.  The Michael’s moved down the road apiece.  Even before the move, there were rumors of a movie theater hopping into the (not yet) vacant space.  Could it happen?  Could the old White Marlin theater be resurrected?

As it turned out—YES!  Our prayers were answered.  The good folks at Flagship Premier Cinemas moved in as soon as Michael’s went out.  It took a while for the dust to settle (about a year after it was first announced), but on June 7^th, the theater opened and my daughter (who is roughly the same age as I was went I started going to the old theater) and I were one of the first people to step foot in the theater for a matinee of Dark Phoenix.

And how fitting.  Like the Phoenix of legend, the White Marlin Mall theater, nee Flagship Premier rose from the ashes to delight movie lovers once again.  For this movie lover, the world is a happier place.  

The reason this piece (and subsequent Dark Phoenix review) is coming so late is because before I celebrated the birth of the new theater, I wanted to commemorate the old one.  I’ve compiled a list, year by year of every movie I recall seeing at the old theater.  On my old LiveJournal site, I did a similar rundown for the Movies 6 theater (in Salisbury) when it shut its doors.  I hope you enjoy this walk down memory lane as much as I had writing it.  

(Note:  I’ve included the theatrical release date of each film.  Although I saw many of these films opening night, that isn’t exactly the date I watched it at White Marlin.  I’ve only added it to give a sense of chronology.  I’ve also noted if a film was watched as a “$1 movie”, which were second-run showings that usually occurred months after its initial release.)  

1986
Big Trouble in Little China 7/2
Flight of the Navigator 8/1
Little Shop of Horrors 12/19

1987
Jaws the Revenge 7/17
The Living Daylights 7/31
Prince of Darkness 10/23
The Hidden 10/30
The Running Man 11/13

1988
Beetlejuice 3/30 ($1 movie, second viewing)
Crocodile Dundee 2 5/25
Big 6/3
The Dead Pool 7/13
Die Hard 7/20
Monkey Shines 7/29
The Blob 8/5
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4:  The Dream Master 8/19
They Live 11/4
Twins 12/9

1989
The Fly 2 2/10
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure 2/17
Leviathan 3/17
976-EVIL 3/26
Pet Sematary 4/21
Weekend at Bernie’s 7/5
Look Who’s Talking 10/13
We’re No Angels 12/15

1990
Hard to Kill 2/9
Loose Cannons 2/9
Joe Versus the Volcano 3/9
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3/30
Robocop 2 6/22 ($1, second viewing)
Days of Thunder 6/27
Die Hard 2 7/3
Ghost 7/13
The Jungle Book (1967, reissue) 7/13
Young Guns 2 8/1
Hardware 9/14
I Come in Peace 9/28
Night of the Living Dead 10/19
Graveyard Shift 10/26
Child’s Play 2 11/9
Misery 11/30

(It’s important to note that the movie theater at the Centre at Salisbury opened in 1991 and quickly became to go-to theater for the next few years, which explains why the pickings were so slim in ’91 and ’92.)

1991
Warlock 1/11
Child’s Play 3 8/30

1992
Universal Soldier 7/10

1993
Hot Shots! Part Deux 5/21
Cliffhanger 5/28
Jurassic Park 6/11
Last Action Hero 6/18
In the Line of Fire 7/9

1994
Death Wish 5:  The Face of Death 1/14
Beverly Hills Cop 3 5/25
City Slickers 2:  The Legend of Curly’s Gold 6/10
Speed 6/10
Wolf 6/17
Forrest Gump 7/6
The Mask 7/29
Color of Night 8/19
Pulp Fiction 10/14 ($1 movie, third viewing)

1995
The Hunted 2/24

1996
The Arrival 5/31
The Ghost and the Darkness 10/11
The People vs. Larry Flynt 12/25

1997
The Lost World:  Jurassic Park 5/23
Batman and Robin 6/20
Men in Black 7/2
Air Force One 7/25
Conspiracy Theory 8/8
Copland 8/15
Mimic 8/22
Hoodlum 8/27
L.A. Confidential 9/19
The Edge 9/26
The Peacemaker 9/26
Gang Related 10/8
The Devil’s Advocate 10/17
Red Corner 10/31
Titanic 12/19

1998
Blues Brothers 2000 2/6
The Wedding Singer 2/13
Godzilla 5/20
Bulworth 5/22
Lethal Weapon 4 7/10
Saving Private Ryan 7/24
The Avengers 8/14
Rush Hour 9/18
Ronin 9/25
The Siege 11/6

1999
The Matrix 3/31
The Mummy 5/7
Star Wars:  Episode I:  The Phantom Menace 5/19
Austin Powers:  The Spy Who Shagged Me 6/11
Eyes Wide Shut 7/16
Deep Blue Sea 7/28
Runaway Bride 7/30
The Thomas Crown Affair 8/6
The Astronaut’s Wife 8/27
Three Kings 10/1
House on Haunted Hill 10/29
Sleepy Hollow 11/19
The World is Not Enough 11/19
End of Days 11/24
The Green Mile 12/10
The Talented Mr. Ripley 12/25

2000
Supernova 1/14
O Brother, Where Art Thou? 2/2
U-571 4/21
Frequency 4/28
Battlefield Earth 5/12
Road Trip 5/19
Shanghai Noon 5/26
Gone in 60 Seconds 6/9
Me, Myself and Irene 6/23
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle 6/30
The Perfect Storm 6/30
The Nutty Professor 2:  The Klumps 7/28
Hollow Man 8/4
Nurse Betty 9/8
The Watcher 9/8
Bedazzled 10/20
Unbreakable 11/22
Vertical Limit 12/8
Thirteen Days 12/25

2001
The Mummy Returns 5/4
Evolution 6/8
A.I. Artificial Intelligence 6/29
Scary Movie 2 7/4
Jurassic Park 3 7/18
Planet of the Apes 7/27
Rock Star 9/7
Ocean’s Eleven 12/7
The Lord of the Rings:  The Fellowship of the Rings 12/19

2002
Orange County 1/11
Spider-Man 5/3
Star Wars:  Episode II:  Attack of the Clones 5/16
The Sum of All Fears 5/31
Mr. Deeds 6/28
Halloween:  Resurrection 7/12
Signs 8/2
Fear Dot Com 8/30
Die Another Die 11/22
The Lord of the Rings:  The Two Towers 12/18

2003
Dreamcatcher 3/21
Cold Creek Manor 9/19
The Rundown 9/26
Kill Bill Vol. 1 10/10
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 10/17
The Matrix Revolutions 11/5
The Last Samurai 12/5
The Lord of the Rings:  The Return of the King 12/17
Paycheck 12/25

2004
The Big Bounce 1/30
Miracle 2/6
The Passion of the Christ 2/25
Dawn of the Dead 3/19
Kill Bill Vol. 2 4/16
Van Helsing 5/7
The Chronicles of Riddick 6/11
Anchorman:  The Legend of Ron Burgundy 7/9
The Village 7/30
Collateral 8/6
Alien vs. Predator 8/13
Anacondas:  The Hunt for the Blood Orchid 8/27
Napoleon Dynamite 8/27
Resident Evil:  Apocalypse 9/10
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow 9/17
Team America:  World Police 10/15
The Grudge 10/22
Seed of Chucky 11/12
Meet the Fockers 12/22

2005
Elektra 1/14
Constantine 2/18
Cursed 2/25
Sin City 4/1
The Amityville Horror 4/15
Star Wars:  Episode III:  Revenge of the Sith 5/19
The Longest Yard 5/27
Batman Begins 6/15
War of the Worlds 6/29
The 40-Year-Old Virgin 8/19
Transporter 2 9/2
Walk the Line 11/18

2006
Failure to Launch 3/10
Rocky Balboa 12/20

2007
3:10 to Yuma 9/7

WHITE GHOST (1989) ** ½

William Katt is part Tarzan, part Rambo, and part Christopher Atkins in The Blue Lagoon in this nutty, uneven Jungle Action Movie.  The Greatest American Hero sports ripped abs and tiny shorts as an American soldier listed MIA after the Vietnam War.  He survives in the jungle and becomes a local legend called “White Ghost”. Reb (Space Mutiny) Brown gets word Katt’s still alive and sends an extraction team to rescue him.  Naturally, Reb didn’t realize the leader of the rescue team has been waiting twenty years to kill Katt.  Whoops.  

In addition to the tiny shorts, Katt is forced to wear a hilarious mullet for the first part of the movie.  These have got to be some of the worst hair extensions in film history.  The seams between Katt’s familiar naturally curly hair and the wispy blond extensions are obvious, and they almost look like they were glued on.  Luckily, he cuts it off shortly before the second act.  

Shitty hair aside, Katt gives a solid performance.  If you loved his Vietnam scenes in House, you should enjoy this flick.  Fans of Brown may be a tad disappointed as Reb unfortunately spends a lot of time sitting behind a desk.  You have to wait 88 minutes to see him say, “Move!  Move!  Move!” while shooting people, but when it finally does happen, it’s kind of worth it.

Speaking of action, the action sequences often feel like a mix of Rambo and Home Alone.  Wearing silly-looking make-up (so much for camouflage), Katt runs around the jungle setting booby traps (some look like they came right out of a cannibal movie), tosses knives into bad guys, and blows up lots of bamboo huts.  What more could you really ask for from a Jungle Action Movie?  A tighter script, crisper action, and a swifter running time would’ve been nice.  As it is, White Ghost is an acceptable bamboo-hut blasting actioner.

AKA:  48 Hours in Vietnam.

YOUNG REBELS (1989) ** ½

There are no youngsters and no rebels in this nutty action cheesefest from Amir Shervan, the director of Samurai Cop.  Ben (Bret Johnston) owes a gambling debt to a despicable kingpin named Mr. Vincenzo (Carlos Rivas).  In order to square his debt, his brother Charlie (Johnny Greene) has to fly in a shipment from Mexico. Once Charlie finds out they’re smuggling drugs, they turn the tables on their employer.  When Vincenzo has Ben murdered, Charlie sets out for revenge.  

Young Rebels kinda looks like if someone tried to make an Andy Sidaris movie with no money and was forced to film the bulk of the scenes at their mom’s house.  It contains wall to wall action, which is sometimes interrupted by a few nude scenes.  In that regard, it’s almost critic-proof.  None of it is particularly well-done mind you, but at least there’s always something happening. 

Perhaps what little money there was went to the sterling supporting cast.  Aldo Ray is in a few scenes as the sheriff, who’s mostly there to cuss and holler.  We also get Robert Z’Dar as the bad guy’s muscle who gets an uncomfortably long sex scene with a beautiful blonde.  Speaking of beautiful blondes, erotic thriller queen Delia Sheppard also turns up and does a sexy striptease with a string of pearls.  

The tip-off that you might enjoy Young Rebels is that Plan 9’s Conrad Brooks appears in a small role as a drug dealer.  I’m not saying it’s another Plan 9.  I mean, yes, it is really cheap and shoddily made.  (The clapboard is visible in one scene.)  The action gets repetitive too, but by the time Z’Dar began using Sheppard as a topless human shield I had to admit I was sort of having fun. 

Oh, and can we talk about the “Free Puppies” sign for a minute?  During one of the many chase scenes, the bad guys run past a sign that says, “Free Puppies”.  My question is, why is it shaped like a tombstone?  Are the puppies dead?  Is that why they’re free?  And how do we acquire these puppies?  Do we have to dig them up ourselves?  Is it a self-service kind of deal?  This bizarre moment helps make Young Rebels a fun little Grade Z movie, but it really needed a few more of these gonzo touches to make it a stone-cold classic.

GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS (2019) *** ½

The G-Man returns in this bigger, badder, dumber sequel to 2014’s Godzilla.  This time out, scientist Vera Farmiga wants to save the planet by unleashing all the monsters upon Earth and letting them fight it out.  HUH?  Don’t ask questions.  Just go with it.  Besides, if she didn’t unleash Mothra, Rodan, and Ghidrah, we wouldn’t have ourselves a movie.  Anyway, Godzilla wakes up to take out the monsters and restore balance to the Earth or some shit.

Director Michael (Trick ‘R Treat) Dougherty honors Godzilla director’s Gareth Edwards’ vision of the monster.  I liked the scenes of people fleeing the carnage while we only see glimpses of the monster battles behind them.  He’s also smart enough to know that approach will only take us so far.  Whereas Edwards’ expertly teased the monsters’ appearances, Dougherty allows the camera to linger on them when they go toe to toe during the monster mashing sequences.

And what monster mashing!  Godzilla:  King of the Monsters delivers some of the best monster fights in the entire series.  Godzilla’s battle with Ghidrah is badass, Mothra’s fight with Rodan will get your fist pumping, and big climax is a real showstopper.  My favorite moment though was when Rodan went up against a squadron of jets.  Not only did this sequence kind of remind me of a big budget version of The Giant Claw, it’s one of the best action bonanzas you’ll see all year. 

King of the Monsters also earns points for having a plot as silly as any of the ‘90s Toho Godzilla movies.  I liked that the plot was structured like a Rocky movie (specifically Rocky 3).  It starts out with G-Man on top.  Then he suffers a crippling defeat.  Eventually, he gets back into fighting shape for the inevitable rematch.  Godzilla is such a badass in this flick that the film suffers when he isn’t on screen.  I guess you can say that about any of his films, but his absence is particularly felt this time out.  

Luckily, we have some of the best supporting players of all time picking up the slack when he’s not on screen.  Say what you will about King of the Monsters.  Sure, it’s a little slow in places, and it definitely runs on way too long.  However, how am I not going to watch a movie in which David Strathairn plays an admiral, CCH Pounder is a senator, and Joe Morton turns up as a scientist?

I was also a little bummed by the treatment of Millie Bobby Brown, who plays Farmiga’s daughter.  It’s not that she doesn’t give a fine performance.  I just wish Dougherty gave her and Godzilla at least one bonding scene together.  I guess it’s only a matter of time before Godzilla becomes the Friend to Children Everywhere of my youth.  If that is indeed the franchise’s endgame, I will be patient.

You have to give Dougherty credit.  Even if he drops the ball on some of the human scenes, he did a fine job with the monster battles and shows the titans of terror the reverence they deserve.  When Mothra or Ghidrah spread their wings, it takes up every inch of space on the screen.  When Godzilla battles in the streets, he levels the city to the ground.  When they fight for control of the planet, it made the four-decades-old Godzilla fan inside me cheer.  Speaking as a critic, there are certain flaws in this movie.  Speaking as a die-hard Godzilla fan, Godzilla:  King of the Monsters is truly a sight to behold.  

All I can say is, bring on Kong vs. Godzilla!

GHOST SHARK 2: URBAN JAWS (2015) ***

The first Ghost Shark was an uneven, stupid, but fun supernatural shark movie.  I didn’t have high hopes for this one because it looked a lot cheaper.  If the original was a SyFy Channel Original, Ghost Shark 2:  Urban Jaws looks like a no-budget DIY movie.  Maybe my low expectations worked, because the flick manages to be even more ludicrous and hilarious than its predecessor.   

Of course, you all remember in the first Ghost Shark how the titular spectral shark could kill its victims in the smallest drop of water?  This time out, the ghost shark is in Auckland, New Zealand killing people from a freshly mopped floor, out of steam released from an iron, and even from inside of a popsicle! 

Many of the intentionally humorous interactions with the human characters fall flat, but when the ghost shark is doing its thing, the movie is a lot of fun.  You might think that for a film called Ghost Shark 2, it would just be a cheap, forgettable, throwaway affair with very limited craftsmanship, but you’d be wrong.  Take the Hitchcockian scene of a couple having sex in the shower.  Since they’re surrounded by water, you think it’s going to be an obvious set-up for a shark attack.  Then, in next room we see a roommate listening to them making love.  He gets so horny that he grabs some lube and starts jerking off.  Then, the ghost shark attacks from the lube in his hand and bites his dick off.  This sequence is downright Spielbergian in that we never see the shark or the gore.  Oh, and did I mention the Bergmanesque black and white dream sequences?

Sure, some of the kills are dumb (like when it arises out of a pan of spaghetti sauce), but with so many ingenious deaths sprinkled throughout, you were bound to get a few duds.  Also, at 69 minutes, Ghost Shark 2 knows exactly when to quit.  That’s more than I can say for a lot of these things.

FALO CREST (1987) ****

If you’re around my age (forty), you’re sure to remember when Falcon Crest was all the rage.  If you don’t, this review might not be for you.  If, however, you’re like me (and if you aren’t, that’s probably a good thing), you’ve undoubtedly seen your share of porn parodies.  If your movie-watching tastes are like mine, you’ve probably seen your fair share of Jess Franco movies too.  If you somehow managed to check all those boxes (and God help you if you are), you’re sure to enjoy Jess Franco’s porn parody version of Falcon Crest, Falo Crest.

The matriarch of a rich family invites various family members to her posh mansion for a big gathering.  At the dinner table, she forces some of her more modest relatives to have sex while she watches.  Then, she unveils the family vineyard’s new cum-flavored wine that has aphrodisiac properties, which of course, leads to more sex.  

You know you’re in for a good time straight away during the opening handjob sequence which is shot through a kaleidoscopic lens.  From there, we get a long scene of family members having long telephone conversations while they’re getting head.  At one point, the family dog gets in the act when it licks the butler’s ass!  If you’ve seen your share of Franco movies like I have, this little bit of bestiality probably won’t even cause you to raise an eyebrow.  If, for whatever reason you don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into, you’re best to bail out before it’s too late.  

Now, everyone remembers that famous episode of Falcon Crest when Jane Wyman was locked in an S & M prison and the only way she was could be released was if she ate shit fresh out of the warden’s assistant’s asshole, got pissed on, and then double-teamed by two horny prisoners while the warden rubbed her clit with a cigar?  I mean, TV Guide had that listed as one of their 10 Best TV Episodes of All Time.  Well, Franco does a nearly scene-for-scene remake of that famous moment that warmed the nation’s hearts.  

Of course, who could forget that episode of Falcon Crest where Lorenzo Lamas pulled out his cock and jerked off on the family oranges to make their top-secret wine?  Or the classic episode when Robert Foxworth started an ass-fucking contest to settle the family’s estate?  Franco somehow managed to crib from that immortal episode too.  It’s like he took all the moments we knew and loved from the series and added his own unique spin to them.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that Falo Crest features all the incest, bestiality, shit-eating, piss-drinking, and ass-fucking contests you’d expect from your average episode of Falcon Crest.  

I guess what I’m saying is that this fucked-up movie even made this jaded Jess Franco hound sit up and take notice.

I guess what I’m saying is…FOUR STARS!  

Now, I wonder if Franco ever made a porno version of Dallas…

AKA:  Phalo Crest.

WICKED MINDS (2003) **

Holden (Andrew W. Walker) comes home from Harvard to find his filthy rich father (Winston Rekert) has married a much younger woman named Lana (Angie Everhart).  Since dad is a workaholic, that means Holden and Lana wind up spending a lot of time with each other.  Naturally, they end up in the sack and begin a relationship.  Holden eventually learns his hot-tempered father’s been abusive toward Lana and he becomes visibly upset.  When daddy is found dead, both his son and his lover become suspects.

Wicked Minds has a good scene early on where Walker and Everhart meet the first time when he walks in on her in the shower.  A few of their romantic encounters have a modicum of sizzle too, but despite the DVD box’s claim that it’s “Unrated”, this is unfortunately nothing more than a Lifetime Movie, so Angie is only seen naked from the shoulders up.  In fact, Walker spends more time with his shirt off than Everhart!  (You can tell it was made for TV by the occasional fade-ins used to signal a commercial break.)  

After a solid set-up (well, for a Lifetime Movie anyway), the pacing dawdles as it enters the second act.  The tension falters when it really should be ramping up as director Jason (Poison Ivy:  The Secret Society) Hreno seems more adept at the scenes of watered-down seduction than he is at following through with the whodunit aspects of the story.  The reveals of the various plot twists are also telegraphed and lack panache.  The finale is OK, but again, Hreno doesn’t handle the tension particularly well.

Angie is sexy to be sure.  She also has good chemistry with Walker, who does a fine job as the naïve son who gets suckered into her game.  Maybe if there was a nude scene or two in here, it would’ve been worth a damn.    

AKA:  Paranoia.