ONE DAMNED DAY AT DAWN… DJANGO MEETS SARTANA! (1970) * ½

In the tradition of Frankenstein Meets Wolfman, Zatoichi Meets Yojimbo, and Bambi Meets Godzilla, two screen titans meet face to face for the first time.  Too bad Sartana is nowhere to be found.  I guess One Damned Day at Dawn… Django Meets Sheriff Ronson didn’t have the same ring to it.  

Ronson (Fabio Testi) is the new sheriff in town.  Unfortunately, the town in question is Black Town, a nasty hive of lawlessness presided over by the nefarious Bud Wheeler (Dean Stratford).  Django (Hunt Powers) rides in looking to settle an old score with Wheeler, and Ronson winds up getting caught in the middle.   

Django Meets Sartana starts off okay, but it hits a wall during the long dull flashback scene where Testi learns about his predecessor’s demise.  From then on, the film never quite gets back on track.  The action comes in occasional spurts, which doesn’t help.  There’s a cool arm-wrestling scene where Wheeler and Testi put lit candles on each side of the table and try to burn their opponent’s hand.  The eventual fight scene between Django and Sartana… err… Ronson is better than the action found elsewhere in the movie, although it’s still not that great.

The big problem with One Damned Day at Dawn… Django Meets Sartana! is that it takes them all damned day to meet!  Another debit is that neither hero can quite hold your attention in their separate storylines (although I would give Testi the slight edge).  Incredibly enough, they are somehow less engaging when they’re together.  

AKA:  Django Meets Sartana.  AKA:  Django and Sartana.

DEVIL IN MISS JONES (1973) ****

The incomparable Georgina Spelvin became a household name when she starred in this still-powerful classic of X-rated cinema.  She plays Miss Jones, a lonely soul who commits suicide and winds up going to purgatory.  Abaco (John Clemens), the guy who runs the show says it’s a shame she killed herself because she was a shoo-in for Heaven.  Knowing it’s not quite her time yet and that she’ll never get into the pearly gates, the virginal Jones begs to go back to earth and live a sinful life.  Her teacher (Harry Reems) shows her how to act as a real slut, and once she’s fully trained, Miss Jones gets it on with a cavalcade of sex partners before heading off to her final destination.  

Spelvin’s performance is the reason Devil in Miss Jones still holds the power to captivate audiences some 46 years after its release.  She gets into her role with a fervor few adult actresses have.  Spelvin gets down and dirty with the best of them and is especially hot whenever she’s talking dirty during sex (which is quite often). 

Georgina does every sexual act you’d want to see an actress do in an adult film. She even does a few you might not want to see.  She makes love to herself with an enema hose, sticks grapes and bananas in her pussy, and in the film’s craziest scene, sucks off a snake!

This is truly a fearless performance.  It’s Spelvin’s go-for-broke acting that helps Devil in Miss Jones transcend the porno genre.  There are no half measures here.  Spelvin really put it out there for the world to see (in more ways than one).  It also doesn’t hurt that Gerard (Deep Throat) Damiano gives the film a touch of class with a few artsy bits here and there.  

Few classics of the genre really hold up to the test of time.  This is one of them.  I can’t believe it took me this long to see it.  (Yes, as a porn scholar, I have always been slightly ashamed I hadn’t seen it.)  The sequels got more outlandish as time went on, but for sheer sensuality, the original is hard to beat.

STANDOFF (2016) *** ½

Standoff has a thin, but admittedly gripping premise.  An assassin (Laurence Fishburne) chases a young girl (Ella Ballentine) who saw him perform a hit to the two-story farmhouse owned by the reclusive Carter (Thomas Jane).  Guns are drawn, shots are fired, and the two men lay at opposite ends of the stairwell bleeding; waiting for the other to make the next move.  

I’m a sucker for one-location movies.  I like seeing if the filmmakers can keep up the suspense out of what’s an essentially three-person play.  Part of the fun of Standoff is marveling how first-time director Adam Alleca (who wrote the Last House of the Left remake) is able to keep the premise crackling right along.  Just when you think he’s milked the plot for all it’s worth, he introduces a new wrinkle into the mix to keep you on your seat.

It also helps that the two leads are perfectly cast.  Jane always excels at these down and out types of roles, and this is no exception.  His character is a good man trying to do the right thing, even if it might get him killed, and because of his simple, heartfelt motivation, we instantly care about him.  Many actors would’ve had a hard time with the thinly written killer role, but Fishburne is more than up to the challenge making the character sinister yet entertaining to watch.  Seeing how the two men react to one another’s unexpected resourcefulness, especially when it becomes clear that Jane is more than just your average farmer, is yet another reason why Standoff stands heads and shoulders above your typical low budget actioner.  The performers find a lot of nuance in their characters and flesh them out to become fully three-dimensional, an impressive feat considering they spend a lot of time spouting exposition and barking orders.  Their final scenes even manage to be unexpectedly moving.

Alleca gets excellent mileage from the slim premise, (mostly) single setting, and the sterling performances.  The suspense only occasionally slows during the unnecessary scenes of a wet behind-the-ears deputy investigating Fishburne’s whereabouts.  These brief scenes could’ve easily been trimmed, and no one would’ve noticed.  When it stays on the staircase, Standoff stands out. 

ANGEL HAS FALLEN (2019) ***

Gerard Butler returns for his third go-round as the unstoppable, unflappable secret service agent Mike Banning.  In Olympus Has Fallen, the bad guys attacked The White House.  In London Has Fallen, they attacked… well… London.  This time out, the bad guys take the fight to Banning himself, framing him for the attempted assassination of the President (Morgan Freeman) and the death of his entire team.  It’s then up to Banning to clear his name and take down the elaborate conspiracy threatening to bring the nation to the brink of war.  

Angel Has Fallen is interesting as far as action sequels go.  Most opt for the bigger-is-better approach.  This one is content to take a more intimate look at its character and see what makes him tick.  Rarely to we get to see an action hero age appropriately or have realistic, humanizing problems, which is the real secret of the film’s success.  How many third entries in action franchises make social commentary… okay, so maybe that’s going too far… address such issues as opioid addiction, adequate concussion protocols, open carry policy, PTSD, and Russian collusion all within a two-hour span?  Seeing the filmmakers pay lip service to these issues helps to make Banning less of a Superman and more of a regular joe (compare his character development here to London Has Fallen where his big character scene was… putting together a crib) is novel enough to excuse some of its shortcomings.  

The biggest shortcoming has to be the lack of insane action sequences, which was London’s bread and butter.  This one has a silly drone strike sequence, and one or two inventive moments of Banning dispatching bad guys, but it pales in comparison to the previous entries in the series.  While I appreciate the attempts to ground Banning, grounding the action was a slight miscalculation on director Ric Roman Waugh’s part.  Since the man got his start directing the Shannon Whirry erotic thriller Exit, I’m able to cut him a little slack.

The upshot is that Nick Nolte comes along in the second half to give the movie a shot of adrenaline as Banning’s crazy old man who lives alone off the grid on a mountaintop to avoid the government.  You have never seen anyone act so grizzled in your life.  With his scraggly beard, crochety demeanor, and gravelly voice, he singlehandedly steals the picture.  New cast members such as Danny Huston, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Piper Perabo (replacing Radha Mitchell as Banning’s wife) get considerably less to do, but it hardly matters as Nolte and Butler’s verbal sparring gets so many laughs.

SUBLIME (2007) **

George (Tom Cavanagh) is a well-to-do businessman who seemingly has it all.  A nice house, a steady job, and a family that loves him.  On the day after his fortieth birthday, he goes to the hospital for a routine colonoscopy.  Much to his horror, there are several complications, not to mention more unnecessary (and/or botched) surgeries.  While trapped in his hospital bed, George begs his sexy day nurse (Kat Coiro) and the stern male nurse (named “Mandingo”, played by Welcome Back Kotter’s Lawrence-Hilton Jacobs) for answers, but they seem unwilling (or unable) to help.

Done right, this might have worked as a parable for middle-aged men’s fears about growing old and their reluctance to have age-appropriate medical exams.  The problem is that at nearly two hours, it’s way too long and drawn out to really work.  Rod Serling would’ve wrapped this thin premise up in a half hour on The Twilight Zone.  That’s not to say there aren’t one or two effective moments here.  (The big reveal of an unnecessary surgery would’ve made for a decent short film in its own right.)  However, there are just way too many supporting characters and flashbacks to a birthday party that get in the way.

Director Tony (Otis) Krantz tries to go for a Jacob’s Ladder type of mindfuck, but he lacks the panache or the unsettling imagery to properly pull it off.  It’s not a total loss because he does spring an occasional interesting wrinkle here and there that helps to occasionally inspire hope.  (The opening moments nicely capture the gallows humor patients resort to in an effort to hide their nervousness and uncertainty about going in for a delicate operation.)  The ending is kind of predictable, although if handled just so it might’ve been worthwhile.  As it turns out, the big reveal just kind of happens, which leaves something to be desired.  

A MAN CALLED JOE CLIFFORD (1970) ***

Anthony Steffen stars as Joe Clifford, an actor in the Wild West who inherits a goldmine from his deceased grandfather.  When he goes to collect, Joe finds his grandfather’s close friend is now in control of the mine.  It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened and against the odds, Joe sets out to get revenge and reclaim the family goldmine.  What the bad guys don’t realize is that not only is Joe a skilled actor, he’s also a heck of a crack shot and has a knack for worming his way out of tight situations. 

Despite the unassuming title, A Man Called Joe Clifford is a little bit better than it has to be at nearly every turn.  Usually with Spaghetti Westerns, we just want some mindless violence, a cool antihero, and a badass theme song.  You get all that with Joe Clifford, and then some.  

The cool opening scene perfectly sets the tone.  Joe performs Hamlet in front of a crowd before blowing away a bunch of guys.  It’s especially funny because he starts out with, “To be or not to be” before the awesome Spaghetti Western theme cuts in and drowns out the rest of the soliloquy.  This was probably done to save dubbing expenses (or maybe not bore the audience with a lot of Shakespeare before getting down to the action), but it sure is cool.

Steffen is plenty cool as the calculating Clifford.  I particularly liked his use of theater costumes and make-up to disguise himself in order to get the drop on the bad guys.  The final act is where Joe really endears himself to the audience when he uses an assortment of dirty tricks and booby traps that would make Wile E. Coyote proud to turn himself into a one-man army.  

If you aren’t already a fan of Spaghetti Westerns, I can’t say A Man Called Joe Clifford will convert you.  For someone like me who’s sat through dozens of bad ones, I can appreciate one that colors outside the lines a bit.  Because of that, it’s worth getting to know A Man Called Joe Clifford.

AKA:  Apocalypse Joe.  AKA:  A Man Called Apocalypse Joe.

FUTURE WORLD (2018) * ½

James Franco has had an interesting career.  He went from starring on cult TV shows like Freaks and Geeks to appearing in big budget tentpoles like Spider-Man to showing up on soap operas like General Hospital.  As a director, he’s even more all over the place.  He’s directed documentaries, Lifetime movies, Oscar bait stuff, and… uh… this.  (Well, he co-directed it at any rate.)  Not only did Franco co-direct Future World, he also stars as the evil “Warlord”, who rides a motorcycle through the wasteland raping and terrorizing anyone unfortunate enough to survive the apocalypse.  

It’s a shame we don’t get as many of these post-apocalyptic movies like we used to.  After the success of Mad Max:  Fury Road I was hoping for a resurgence of the genre.  The star of The Bad Batch, one of the few recent post-apocalypse flicks, Suki Waterhouse co-stars as Ash, a top secret robo-babe Warlord finds in the desert.  He reprograms her not only to assassinate but be his personal concubine.  A wet behind the ears kid (Jeffrey Wahlberg) enters the wasteland looking for medicine for his dying mom (Lucy Liu) and is clearly no match for Warlord and his men.  Ash feels sorry for him, defies her programming, and helps him escape to “Drug Town” to find a cure for his mother.

The oddball cast is the only thing that really holds the picture together.  Franco gets a lot of mileage out of his shit-eating grin and general willingness to be unpleasant and sleazy.  Milla Jovovich is fun as the wild-eyed ruler of Drug Town who lords over a bunch of strung out junkies.  My favorite bit though was from Snoop Dogg who plays the owner of a strip club where the dancers wear electronic collars. 

Too bad Wahlberg makes for a terrible hero.  His anti-charisma helps to singlehandedly sink every scene he’s in.  Suki isn’t much better, but hey, she’s playing a robot, so I guess I can give her a free pass for not emoting.  

If there was some action here, it might not be so glaring, but the film just sort of spins its wheels for most of its running time.  What action we do get is rather weak and derivative.  For example, there’s a Thunderdome-type battle except that instead of taking place inside a badass metal arena, it’s nothing more than a drained, graffiti-laden swimming pool.  The big showdown between Franco and Jovovich is shockingly anticlimactic and the final confrontation between he and Waterhouse is somehow even worse.  

FAST AND FURIOUS PRESENTS: HOBBS AND SHAW (2019) ***

As a general rule, the further the Fast and the Furious movies get away from the whole car racing angle, the better they usually are.  Fast and Furious Presents:  Hobbs and Shaw puts that rule to the test as several junctures, but it remains a fun, popcorn-friendly, braindead summer movie throughout.  

Hobbs (The Rock) and Shaw (Jason Statham) are paired together to stop a superhuman, scientifically-upgraded villain (Idris Elba) from stealing a lethal virus that could potentially wipe out the entire planet.  Shaw’s spy sister (Vanessa Kirby) winds up injecting herself with the virus in order to keep his mitts off the deadly superbug.  It’s then up to the two mismatched musclebound macho men to put their differences aside and save the world.  

This is technically a spin-off to the main franchise, so it plays a lot looser and fast (and furiouser) with the laws of reality than the other movies (which is really saying something).  I’m all for outlandish foolishness in these films, but even I was rolling my eyes at some of this nonsense.  At some point, the flick just settles into a routine of Elba trying to catch The Rock and Statham, only to have them slip out of his fingers because of one highly improbable shenanigan or the other.  Since our heroes never get hurt or are in any real danger of death, it winds up feeling like a Road Runner cartoon after a while with Elba playing the constantly stymied Coyote whose elaborate plans are perpetually foiled.  

Director David (Deadpool 2) Leitch does a fine job with the action and keeps the chases, fight scenes, and ludicrous set pieces coming at a pace that is… well… fast and furious.  Too bad that much of it feels like you’re watching a video game.  Not to mention the fact that the “plot” stuff mostly consists of exposition dumps that could’ve come out of a video game’s cut scenes.  

Despite that, the stars are in fine form.  Even when the action gets repetitive and the film… ahem… spins its wheels, it remains breezy fun, especially when they’re busting each other’s balls (which is quite often).  The gratuitous “guest star” cameos provide a few laughs, but make the movie feel more Cannonball Run than Smokey and the Bandit.  That’s not exactly a bad thing.  I guess it all just depends on what you want out of your Fast and Furious flick.  If you want mindless mayhem, Hobbs and Shaw delivers.

NIGHT OF THE COBRA WOMAN (1972) ** ½

A rare species of snake bites Marlene Clark and turns her into eternally young vixen.  She then uses her new powers to get revenge on the soldier (Vic Diaz) who raped her best friend.  She seduces him and her venomous sex organs causes his body to “rot”, which turns him into a bug-eyed hunchback imbecile.  The awesomely named Joy Bang comes to the Philippines to study the mythical snake and freaks out when she sees Diaz.  Joy calls her boyfriend (Stan Duff) and he has to fly all the way to Manila to keep her safe.  While out and about, Stan gets bitten by the snake and Clark nurses him back to health.  Clark soon gets the hots for Joy’s man and sets out to drive them apart.   She commands her trusty snake to kill Joy, but luckily Joy brought along her pet eagle to defend her.  Marlene eventually seduces Joy’s boyfriend and her snake-ified snatch “sucks the years out of him”.  To keep him from turning old, she runs around seducing more men to extract the vital juices necessary to prolong his life.

Night of the Cobra Woman kind of plays like a grimy Pilipino version of an old Universal jungle horror movie, complete with lap dissolve transformation scenes.  (Clark’s silly painted-on snake eyes are good for a laugh.)  It was produced by Roger Corman, who of course threw a little skin in there just to keep things lively enough during the dull stretches.  The film is at its best during the extended scenes of Clark going around banging dudes to keep Duff young.  Eventually, he comes running back to Joy, much to her chagrin.  Sure, some parts of the film are kind of dull, but I promise you, the scene where Clark catches him cheating on her while she’s in cobra form is priceless. 

Joy is fun as clueless dolt who loses her man to the snake goddess.  Clark is sultry and carries the movie through the rougher patches on her charisma alone.  She also earns a place in movie history for being the first actress to show some skin and SHED some skin in the same scene.  The best performance though comes from Diaz, the Pilipino Brando.  His antics are good for a laugh, but the inappropriately whimsical music that plays when he’s hopping around is hilarious.  (It sounds like something out of a Disney movie.) 

Sure, Night of the Cobra Woman plods along during some stretches, which makes the 76-minute running time feel a lot longer.  However, other bits (like when Clark is seducing her victims) are pure cheesy fun.  I can’t quite recommend it, but this Cobra Woman has its charms. 

AKA:  Cobra Woman.  Movini’s Venom.

JAILHOUSE GIRLS (1984) ** ½

Ginger Lynn desperately wants to be a fashion model, but pays the bills working the front desk at a sleazy motel.  Unbeknownst to her, prostitutes operate out of the rooms, and when the cops raid the place, they haul the innocent Ginger off to jail.  Once there, the sleazy guards and horny warden (played by Paul Thomas) all want to fuck Ginger (and who can blame them).  Eventually, Ginger says enough is enough and begins to plot her escape.

Director Henri Pachard’s Jailhouse Girls is mostly entertaining, although discerning fans of the Women in Prison may be left a little cold.  Sure, it’s full of all the usual Women in Prison clichés, such as prisoners being subjected to strip searches, delousing, and showers, all with the added allure of hardcore penetration.  However, many of the scenes of the guards and/or warden using the prisoners for their own sick desires aren’t depraved as they could’ve been (like when Thomas takes problem prisoners to “The Tower” to be fucked by the matron while he watches) as it sorely lacks the sleaze you’d hope to see in your typical (softcore) WIP movie.  Then again, it’s hardcore, so there’s that. 

Despite being a XXX picture, the scenes themselves vary in steaminess.  While the majority of the sex scenes are tepid, the sequence where Ginger and Raven partake in some saucy scissoring is a real scorcher.  The scene where Joey Silvera bangs Ginger on the bus on the way to prison is pretty decent too and Taija Rae makes a memorable impression in her all-too brief cheerleader themed scene.  

In the end, Jailhouse Girls stops short of being a great Women in Prison movie, mostly because of its unwillingness to push the envelope.  It’s almost as if Pachard thought having the hardcore was enough.  As a XXX flick, it probably has too much plot that gets in the way of the action.  Not to mention the fact that it probably needed one more scene equal to the Ginger/Raven sequence to make it a breakout success.

THE HAPPINESS OF THE KATAKURIS (2001) ***

I kind of run hot-to-cold on Takashi Miike’s work.  For every masterpiece like Audition there’s more than a few wildly uneven Dead or Alives.  That said, the motto of The Video Vacuum has always been quantity over quality, and since few directors embody this philosophy like Miike, I always look forward to his films.  In 2001, he made no less than seven features including the badass Ichi the Killer.  It was in that year he made this jaw-dropper of a flick. 

The film kicks off with some of the best stop-motion animation I’ve seen in recent memory.  A little creepy Cupid-looking guy rips out a girl’s uvula before taking off on an unexpected series of misadventures.  The focus then switches to a family of oddballs who have turned their home into an inn.  Trouble is, no one stays there anymore which is causing friction between the family.  When their first guest in forever commits suicide, the family conspires to hide the body in fear publicity would further damage business.  More customers wind up at the hotel and suffer from similarly quirky deaths, leading to more cover-ups. 

Oh, and did I mention it’s a musical???

Personally, I kind of wish there had been more stop-motion animation sequences.  The weirdo Cupid dude is genuinely cool, but he disappears after the first scene, which is disappointing.  The other stop-motion animated scenes that are sprinkled throughout are charming, although they lack the unbridled glee of the opening.  

The core of the story is sound though, and the humor is appropriately pitch black.  The songs are surprisingly amusing too, which helps to make it a winner.  Did it really need to be nearly two hours long?  Absolutely not.  Still, there are plenty of WTF moments to be had to ensure lovers of out-there cinema will find happiness from the Katakuris.  

12 ROUNDS 2: RELOADED (2013) *

12 Rounds was a decent WWE action movie that proved to be a better showcase for its director (Renny Harlin) than the WWE superstar it was supposed to be promoting (John Cena).  This unrelated sequel piqued my interested because it was directed by Roel Reine, a prolific director of enjoyable DTV action sequels.  In fact, many of his films manage to eclipse (or at the very least, honor) their higher-budgeted predecessors.  I’m sad to report that 12 Rounds 2:  Reloaded is the first one of his films I’ve seen that just flat out sucks. 

Randy Orton stars as an EMT who administers first aid at the scene of a car accident while off duty.  One year later, he gets a mysterious call from an unknown caller who forces him to jump through various (twelve to be precise) hoops all over the city or run the risk of being blown up.  If you haven’t already guessed, the mastermind behind it all is seeking retribution for Orton’s actions in the opening scene.

Done right, the premise could’ve worked.  It’s just that there’s very little drive here to keep you invested.  It’s hard to care about the villain’s predictable plight and Orton’s character is so thinly sketched that it becomes nearly impossible to root for him.  It’s also incredibly skimpy when it comes to action, which is the big problem.  The shootouts and car chases are few and far between and seem like small potatoes compared to the original’s set pieces (and most of Reine’s films to be honest).   The finale is particularly lame, but the ultimate kiss of death is that it’s just plain boring.

The good news, Reine and Orton fared much better with their next outing, the unabashedly fun The Condemned 2.

SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK (2019) ****

If you were a child of the ‘80s like me, you probably grew up reading the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series by Alvin Schwartz.  The stories themselves were scary, but those illustrations by Stephen Gammell were the true stuff of nightmares.  The series holds a special place in my heart as it was one of my major gateways into the horror genre. 

Part of the fun of parenting is sharing the stuff you loved as a kid with your child.  Because of that, my daughter loves the books as much as I did as a kid.  I’m so happy we got to share this fun, atmospheric, and most of all… SCARY film adaptation.  If you’re a fan of the old books (or just the horror genre itself), you’re going to love seeing these timeless tales updated and reimagined for a new generation.

The plot is kind of like the recent Goosebumps movie as it revolves around a haunted book.  Unlike that movie, the monsters are legitimately scary, or at the very least creepy.  One thing I loved about the film was that it stuck to the tried and true adage of a horror movie:  If you’re stupid enough to go into the local haunted house, you deserve what you get.  Especially these kids who read stories that are written in blood from the haunted tome.  They even make sure the heartless bully gets it worst of all.  In fact, he gets it so bad you might even feel a bit bad for him.  I know he deserves his comeuppance, but he didn’t deserve… THAT.  It’s seriously the creepiest thing I’ve seen in a PG-13 movie.

You know how some movies are just attuned to your wavelength?  That’s Scary Stories in a nutshell.  Not only was it based off one of my favorite book series, it’s chockfull of scenes of characters doing things like reading horror mags while Donovan’s “Season of the Witch plays, or trick or treating while “Quick Joey Small” blares from a radio, or hitting up a drive-in to see Night of the Living Dead… and that’s just the set-up before the stories even begin!  How could I not love it?

Is it a bit long?  Does it contain yet another predictable “The Ghost isn’t Bad, She’s Just Acting Out Because of an Unspeakable Wrong Done to Her” plotline, which now come standard issue in movies from producer Guillermo Del Toro?  Well, yes and yes, but it hardly matters in the long run.  When I think back to Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, will I think about its running time?  Nope.  That’s because the sounds of giddy nervous laughter coming from my daughter during the scarecrow scene will stick with me the rest of my days.  What more could a horror fan (or a father) ask for?

SECRET IN THEIR EYES (2015) ****

Chiwetel Ejiofor, Julia Roberts, and Nicole Kidman star as three anti-terrorist agents who discover the body of a rape victim that turns out to be the daughter of one of their own.  The suspect is guilty as sin, but since he’s a valuable snitch, the department deems protecting his information as more important than allowing justice to prevail.  The tight-knit cops then proceed to twist the law to see justice served. 

Despite the all-star cast, Secret in Their Eyes kind of came and went with very little fanfare.  Because of that, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot.  Those lowered expectations probably helped because I wasn’t expecting a total gut-punch of a movie.

The film is anchored by a devastating performance by Roberts.  She completely disappears into the role and delivers a brave, honest, and raw performance.  She pairs nicely with Kidman and the two have a lot of chemistry together, which will make you wonder why they waited so long to team up.  Ejiofor also does an excellent job as the dogged, desperate detective willing to bend the rules no matter the cost. 

Secret in Their Eyes is extremely well-plotted and unfolds like a fine novel, drifting back and forth seamlessly between the past and present. Director Billy (Shattered Glass) Ray doles out vital plot breadcrumbs sparingly and in such a way that it not only propels the story but enriches the characters at the same time.  There are plenty of surprises along the way too.  In fact, there’s maybe one twist too many as Ray pulls the rug out from the audience so many times that by the end of the movie, he’s practically ripping up the floorboards.  Then again, this is the guy who wrote Color of Night, so of course he’s gonna pull out all the stops in the final reel.  Even then. it never quite goes off the rails as the film is still able to hit all the important emotional beats before leaving the audience dizzy with all the crazy twists.

EXTREMELY WICKED, SHOCKINGLY EVIL AND VILE (2019) ** ½

I tried watching director Joe (Book of Shadows:  Blair Witch 2) Berlinger’s Netflix show about Ted Bundy, but I could barely keep my eyes open during the first episode, so I never went back for seconds.  This biopic, also made by Berlinger for Netflix is slightly more engaging, mostly due to Zac Efron’s performance as one of America’s most notorious (and charming) serial killers.  

Ted dotes on his loving girlfriend (Lily Collins), who blindly returns his love, even when he is accused of numerous brutal murders of young women and carted off to jail.  After numerous escapes, Ted is finally detained in Florida where his trial is televised across the nation.  As she becomes more and more emotionally distant, another flame (Crawl’s Kaya Scodelario) comes to Ted’s aid and stands by him in his moment of need.  

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile is frustratingly vague when it comes to some of the biggest aspects in the Bundy case.  We never see Bundy stalking his victims and killing them, which is an odd miscalculation.  I guess this was done to spare the victims’ families or to avoid glamorizing Bundy’s mythos.  Berlinger is more interested in how two very different women stand by their man even when it’s obvious to anyone with half a brain he’s guilty as sin.  To that end, the movie only works in fits and starts.

It’s hard to say if Berlinger wants us to sympathize with the women who love Bundy.  The filmmakers also curiously sidestep much of his brutality, which further hampers the drama.  I mean why watch something called Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile if we never really see him do anything that lives up to the lurid title?  

It’s also difficult to know who the movie was made for.  Serial Killer fans and true-life crime fanatics will probably be left cold because of the lack of forensic detail, while those expecting a straight drama will undoubtedly feel a bit unsatisfied by the clunky love triangle.  The courtroom scenes late in the film are certainly fun and have an energy to them the rest of the flick lacks.  That’s thanks largely to the casting of John Malkovich as the hammy judge and Jim Parsons as the squirrely prosecutor.  

The film is ambiguous about whether or not Bundy committed the crimes up until the closing moments, which further adds to the frustration.  Ambiguity certainly has its place in fiction, but in a film about one of America’s most notorious serial killers--a man who was tried, convicted, and eventually confessed to his crimes—ambiguity doesn’t work. There’s a courtroom scene late in the game in which Bundy says something to the effect of, “The man who you see today isn’t the man guilty of these crimes”, perhaps suggesting he was a split personality or just plain out-and-out lying. It’s like they want us to believe Bundy had an alter ego, but we never get to see his other side.  It’s like making a movie about Clark Kent and only showing him as Superman in brief flashes in the closing moments.  Not that I’d compare Bundy to Superman, although we all know if there was a Justice League for serial killers, Bundy would definitely be the Superman.  I mean he’s got the looks and all-American charm for sure, and... 

Okay, I’m getting on a weird tangent here.  Let’s wrap this thing up…

Even though much of the film is frustrating, it remains a fine showcase for Efron.  If nothing else, it allows the actor to shed his squeaky-clean Disney image by playing a psycho like Bundy.  I just wish he was allowed to get a little more down and dirty.  Seeing him hacking up unsuspecting women could’ve gone a long way from distancing himself from that High School Musical crap.  

ENDGAME (1983) ***

Endgame is a bonkers Italian sci-fi action mishmash that sort of acts like a precursor to The Running Man with healthy doses of Escape from New York, The Warriors, The Omega Man, and even Planet of the Apes thrown in there for good measure.  It stars the holy trinity of Italian schlock stars, Al Cliver, George Eastman, and Laura Gemser (using the pseudonym, “Moira Chen”), all of whom are a lot of fun to watch.  Why are you still reading this?  Go out and watch it now!  

Well, if you still need more convincing…

Endgame is television’s top-rated post-WWIII game show.  Every year, “the prey” is given a head start to make a run through the desolated, radioactive wasteland before “the predators” (guys wearing face paint and leather jackets left over from Road Warrior) are let loose to hunt him down.  Rabid viewers watch it all in the comfort of their home while the bigwigs in charge try to keep them pacified so they can continue lining their pockets with money from the corporate sponsors.  Things get complicated when this year’s prey (Cliver) gets involved with a band of benevolent telepathic mutants who interrupt the game and beg him to guide them safely across the wasteland to avoid government persecution.

In addition to the movies previously mentioned, there’s also a bit of Seven Samurai here as Cliver hires a team of mismatched mercenaries to aid him in his quest.  (Including an Asian guy called “Ninja”.)  There’s also a floating rock scene right out of The Empire Strikes Back, and the mutant wasteland cretins sort of resemble half-assed X-Men too.  The ending is kind of reminiscent of Carrie, if you can believe it. 

Only a guy like Joe D’Amato could rip off so many movies at once and combine them in such an effective manner.  He even shows a flair for comedy too as the futuristic commercials are good for a laugh.  I also loved the love/hate relationship between Cliver and Eastman, who plays his main rival on the game show.  He only joins up with Cliver and his band to ensure he’ll live long enough for a rematch.  I eat macho shit like that up by the bucket.  

Gemser’s big scene comes when she is kidnapped by the evil lizard mutant biker who says things like, “Look at me when I rape you, dammit!”  We also get an incredible scene where Eastman snaps a guy’s neck 180 degrees UPWARDS.  Now, we see neck snaps in movies all the time where the villain’s neck is twisted side to side, but I think this may be cinema’s first VERTICAL neck twist.  

If you can’t already tell, Endgame is exactly the kind of nutty movie I live for.  This is why I sit through dozens of crappy flicks, because you never know when you’re gonna find a ripe slice of warped genius.  It’s not good… exactly, but it’s a damned good time.  

THE VIXENS OF KUNG FU (A TALE OF YIN YANG) (1975) ** ½

A hooker is walking through the woods when three hoods shoot her with an “anesthesia gun” (the hell?) and have their way with her.  Bobby Aster takes her mouth, Jamie Gillis goes down south, and the other guy just jerks off in her socks.  She is eventually found by C.J. Laing who runs an all-woman army of Kung Fu warriors who live in the woods.  Laing nurses her back to health, and by “nurses her back to health”, I mean she bangs her on a bear skin rug in the middle of the forest before training her in the martial arts.

The Vixens of Kung Fu (A Tale of Yin and Yang) is a Kung Fu/porno hybrid.  It’s decidedly less successful when it’s trying to be a full-fledged Kung Fu movie than a porno.  That said, I can’t say the porno stuff is exactly titillating either, but there are a few humorous moments to be had here to make it almost worth watching.  

A little of this nonsense goes a long way.  Ultimately, it’s just too damned long (even at a relatively scant 71 minutes) and eventually wears out its welcome.  I know it’s futile to criticize the plot, but I found it odd the hooker didn’t learn Kung Fu and use it to get revenge on Gillis and company.  Instead, Laing trains her to get it on with a rival male Kung Fu master who only appears once the film is halfway over.  

The most memorable scene has the Kung Fu girls sitting around meditating until their pussies start literally smoking.  The nude Kung Fu fights are amusing as well (they contain jump cuts to make it look like the participants are moving fast), but they’re all too brief.  While the choreography may leave something to be desired, the film does end with not one, but two freezeframe shots of people jumping into the air in slow motion, so at least its heart is in the right place. 

AKA:  Vixens of Kung Fu.

BLOOD FOR BLOOD (1974) **

A trio of bank robbers kill a pair of stranded motorists and steal their car.  They then make their way to a farmhouse owned by the churchgoing Ernest Borgnine, thinking they can lay low.  They’re surprised to learn old Ernie is quite handy with a shotgun and he quickly blows a hole in the ringleader’s abdomen.  Borgnine then proceeds to hold the robbers hostage in his home, and while he waits for the cops to arrive, he takes a little too much glee in keeping the gunmen prisoner.  This doesn’t sit well at all with his granddaughter (Hollis McClaren), who is sickened by how cruel her Bible-thumping gramps can be. 

Blood for Blood is a fine showcase for Borgnine, who has fun playing a character that is equal parts Bible-quoting grandpa and warped psychopath.  Some fun can be had from seeing the twinkle in his eye when he’s putting the screws to the robbers.  Michael J. Pollard is also good as the main thug who is unpredictably crazed, and McClaren has a nice Sissy Spacek-type quality about her.

This is a typically ‘70s movie where the moralizing is purposefully murky and the violence is often gratuitous, but that doesn’t necessarily translate into a good picture.  You can tell the filmmakers were trying for a Straw Dogs-type vibe, and yet it fails because there’s very little suspense to be had.  After the shock of seeing Borgnine’s kindhearted character turn coldblooded on a dime wears off, there’s not much here, I’m afraid.  The confrontation scenes quickly become repetitive and the tension never builds up much steam as Borgnine is more than a match for the killers at every turn.  

AKA:  Sunday in the Country.  AKA:  Self Defense.  AKA:  Vengeance is Mine.  AKA:  Killing Machine.

THE HUNTSMAN: WINTER’S WAR (2016) * ½

No one really asked for a sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman, but we got one anyway.  If anything, it gives Charlize Theron another chance to act vampy.  Too bad her appearances are limited to the beginning and end of the movie.

Like 300:  Rise of an Empire, The Huntsman:  Winter’s War is part prequel and part sequel.  The overlong prologue acts as an origin story of The Huntsman and the rest tells what happened after Snow White vanquished the evil queen played by Theron.  Emily Blunt plays Theron’s sister, who has the power to freeze people who piss her off.  After having her heart broken, she rules over her icy kingdom and tells her followers they can never love… or else she’ll freeze their ass.   Chris Hemsworth once again plays The Huntsman, who is a member of Blunt’s trusted guard.  He tries to keep his relationship with his childhood sweetheart (Jessica Chastain, who deserves better) a secret, but predictably, Blunt finds out about it and drives the two apart.  Years later, the untrusting lovers reunite to bring down the queen (who is now questing to find her sister’s magic mirror) once and for all.

The Huntsman:  Winter’s War is Universal’s attempt to get some of that Frozen money.  It’s based on the same Hans Christian Anderson story, “The Ice Queen” and contains some similar imagery to Frozen (like Blunt’s ice castle).  If the original felt like a fairy tale version of Braveheart with its overstuffed battle sequences, this one seems like a fairy tale X-Men with Blunt playing the Magneto-type villain who uses her powers to right an unspeakable wrong.

I like all the performers involved (including Liam Neeson as the narrator), but the movie itself is a chore to sit through.  As with the first film, the cast is trapped in a jumbled narrative and surrounded by chintzy special effects.  Chastain and Hemsworth seem aware they’re on a sinking ship and keep themselves amused by outdoing each other with their hilariously overdone Scottish accents.  

There is one standout scene when Blunt deceives the two lovers and cleverly drives them apart, along with a few fleeting moments of enjoyable stupidity (like Blunt riding on the back of a domesticated polar bear).  Everything else is thoroughly dull though.  That includes the finale, which feels like something out of a comic book movie with Blunt’s Iceman powers vs. Theron’s half-assed Venom black goop. 

Also, how can The Huntsman: Winter’s War be about an evil queen who has killer freezing powers that has a last-minute change of heart and saves the day in the name of love and her final scene ISN’T a close-up of a single tear running down her cheek and freezing?  WTF?  DO I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING, HOLLYWOOD? 

AKA:  The Huntsman and the Ice Queen.  

AMANDA BY NIGHT (1981) ** ½

Veronica Hart stars as a madam named Amanda who is trying to make enough money to leave her life of sex work behind.  She’s shocked and appalled when one of her girls (Lisa De Leeuw) is murdered by a twisted john.  Pretty soon, more hookers wind up dead, and the cop on the case (Robert Kerman from Cannibal Holocaust and Spider-Man) fears Amanda just might be the next victim.

Directed by Gary Graver, Amanda by Night features a routine plot and so-so sex scenes, and yet it somehow came to be regarded as a classic of its type.  Its best asset is Veronica Hart’s sterling performance as the vulnerable but sexy Amanda.  She does a terrific job and is really the only reason worth checking it out.    

The all-star porn cast helps too.  Hart and Kerman have a lot of chemistry together, and it’s fun seeing Ron Jeremy playing another sleazeball character.  Unfortunately, the usually electric Jamie Gillis is stuck playing a rather dull (for his standards anyway) pimp character.

The sex scenes kind of run hot-to-cold, but I did like the one sequence where Graver contrasts the extremes of the life of a sex worker.  By intercutting a guy’s first time with Amanda with the kinky S & M scene of two dominatrixes whipping a masked, bound john, it nicely shows the range of what these ladies of the night are asked to do. The rest of the scenes are a bit of a mixed bag, with the potentially steamy scene of Kerman and Hart banging on a boat hampered by the lack of a money shot.  

Even if it leaves something to be desired, Amanda by Night will remain required viewing for fans of the beautiful Hart.

STRAY CAT ROCK: BEAT ’71 (1971) **

Furiko (Meiko Kaji) takes a murder rap for her boyfriend and goes to jail.  She later breaks out of prison and mysteriously disappears soon after.  Her sister gets their loyal hippie gang to help track her down.  They learn her boyfriend’s father is the mayor, who vows to make trouble for the gang if his son’s guilt is ever found out.  The hippies also discover the mayor has kidnapped Furiko in order to keep her quiet while he publicly grooms his son to be his successor.  After the hippies are run out of town by the pro-mayor citizens, they return to bust out Furiko.

Beat ’71 is the fifth and final chapter in the Stray Cat Rock saga.  They didn’t have part 4, Machine Animal on Amazon Prime, but since all these movies are mediocre at best, I’m sure I’m not missing much.  I only watched this series because I’m a fan of Kaji.  Unfortunately, she is kept off screen for most of the picture and spends a lot of her time locked in a prison cell.  Most of the movie focuses on the ramshackle family of homeless drifters than Kaji’s plight, which was a miscalculation if you ask me.  The hippie heroes are colorful, but the dramatics of their situation never quite hit their intended mark.  Also, the carnage they create pales in comparison to the other gangs in previous entries of the series.  (At one point, they Krazy Glue a guy to a chair.)  

The finale, set in an Old West town, is memorable although it comes a day late and a dollar short.  We also get a funny porno shoot that provides some (sadly, all-too brief) nudity.  The best part though was the performance by a groovy acid rock band, The Mops during a demonstration in front of the mayor’s house.  That’s still not enough to make you want to adopt this Stray Cat.  

AKA:  Stray Cat Rock:  Crazy Rider '71.  AKA:  Stray Cat Rock:  Violent Showdown ’71.  AKA:  Alley Cat Rock:  Crazy Riders ’71.