TURKISH STAR WARS (1982) ½ *

I’ve heard whispers about Turkish Star Wars ever since I was a kid.  As both a Star Wars junkie and a bad movie connoisseur, I knew I had to watch it some day.  Now that I’ve finally seen it, I have to say it’s even worse than I imagined.  Not only is it the worst Star Wars rip-off of all time, it’s one of the worst movies ever made. 

When I was a teenager, I made a Star Wars movie with some friends.  We got around doing elaborate special effects by having the actors sit in front of a TV.  Then, we put Star Wars in the VCR and cued it up to the final Death Star assault.  This way, it kinda sorta looked like they were sitting in the cockpit of a spaceship.  Much to my surprise, Turkish Star Wars pulls the same exact bullshit!  Not only that, but it uses footage from the movie for its nonsensical opening sequence.  The accompanying narration is just as confusing as the random assemblage of footage the filmmakers stole from George Lucas.

 

That confusion continues throughout the rest of the movie as the plot (and I use the word “plot” very loosely) is all chopped to hell.  It hops around so much that much of it is hard to follow.  Although it’s in Turkish with English subtitles, I have a feeling it might’ve made more sense WITHOUT the subtitles.  The sole highlight (and I use the word “highlight” very loosely) is the Turkish version of the Star Wars cantina scene.  The way the filmmakers (and I use the word “filmmakers” very loosely) incorporate footage from the original cantina scene with their new terrible-looking monsters is something else.  (One looks like a college football mascot.)  Instead of a quick-draw shootout, it ends with a Kung Fu brawl.  

At least you don’t have to worry if Turkish Han Solo shot first or not.  

Just so we’re clear, Turkish Star Wars isn’t merely content to rip off George Lucas’s iconic 1977 classic.  It also steals music from Raiders of the Lost Ark and Flash Gordon.  That’s to be expected since it was riding the wave of what was popular at the time.  Most befuddling is the fact that it borrows footage from Bert I. Gordon’s The Magic Sword and Robert Aldrich’s Sodom and Gomorah (which were both from 1962, a full two decades before this was released). 

I guess it goes without saying that the various action scenes and Kung Fu training montages are bad, and the shoddy costumes and special effects are laughable.  (The thing that’s supposed to pass as a lightsaber just looks like a Styrofoam cutout.)  The finale is the worst though.  It’s here where our hero karate chops the villain in half lengthwise, which sounds cool until you actually see it. (The effect is nothing more than the cameraman obscuring half the frame so only half of his face is visible.)   

Overall, Turkish Star Wars is pathetic.  I think the Star Wars movie I made as a kid was better than this.  Heck, your little sister could probably do better.  

AKA:  The Man Who Saved the World.