THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #31: TOWER OF SCREAMING VIRGINS (1968) ***

(Streamed via Raygun)

Well, here we are.  I’m two months late, but I’ve finally come to the end of my thirty-one-horror-movie-watching project for the month of October.  Whenever I do these projects, I inevitably wind up watching a movie that looks like a horror flick but isn’t really.  Such is the case with Tower of Screaming Virgins.  As great as a title as that is, and the fact that it features murders aplenty, it is more like a gothic swashbuckling melodrama (?) sort of thing.  

The tip-off that it isn’t going to be a true-blue horror movie is in the opening credits where it is revealed that it is based on a story by Alexandre Dumas.  You know, the guy who wrote The Three Musketeers.  That also explains the scenes of our hero prancing around with a sword and sticking it to the authority figures.  Once the action switches over to the titular tower, things get a lot better.

The tower is the source of concern to the villagers in the surrounding area.  It seems young men are being lured there by a sexy Queen and either never return or are later found dead floating in the river.  Our hero winds up at the establishment and is happy to learn it is stacked to the gills with topless women.  He investigates and learns the luscious ladies are luring lads to an early demise at the behest of the Queen.  Since our hero and the Queen have a romantic history together, he decides to get involved in the palace drama.

The ladies of the tower look great, and I’m not saying that because they run around topless.  What I mean to say is that I admire their look as they wear a cool red mask to cover their face while exposing their body for God and everyone to see.  They might’ve been the inspiration for Kekko Kamen as their appearance is quite similar to that sexy Japanese crimefighter.  

Tower of Screaming Virgins is a lot of fun for an hour or so.  The odd scrambling of genres make it feel like an Errol Flynn movie directed by Jess Franco.  It’s in the third act where things settle down and it becomes more focused on swordfights and palace intrigue than topless women luring men to their doom.  At least the big twist ending is kind of sick and helps to tie everything together neatly.

AKA:  Tower of Sin.  AKA:  She Lost Her… You Know What.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #30: TERROR IN THE MIDNIGHT SUN (1959) *

(Streamed via Pub-D-Hub)

A meteor crashes in the snowy wilds of northern Sweden.  Some American scientists, including a horndog lothario geologist, investigate.  They eventually discover the meteor is actually an alien spacecraft.  Hopes of a peaceful first contact are dashed when the giant hairy alien stomps around, cause avalanches, kills people, and runs off with a pretty ice skating champ.    

Directed by Virgil (The Mole People) Vogel and written by Arthur C. (The Human Duplicators) Pierce, Terror in the Midnight Sun is jam-packed with a whole lot of nothing.  The non-stop padding includes a longwinded Swedish nightclub performance, stock nature footage of Sweden, and long sequences of people skiing, ice skating, and walking endlessly through the snow.  Whenever something threatens to happen, Vogel cuts away and gives us more dull scenes of people skiing.  

Some amusement can be had from the scientists debating about the meteor’s “skid marks”, but this is a fucking slog from start to finish.    While the monster is OK (it looks like a pig-faced Bigfoot), the forced perspective scenes that try to make him look towering are laughable and the avalanche scenes are phony as fuck.  These shoddy effects aren’t enough to make it worthwhile for even the most die-hard B-movie fan.

A few years after its initial release, Jerry Warren got his mitts on the movie, re-edited it, added new footage of his usual stock company (including John Carradine and Katherine Victor), and rereleased as Invasion of the Animal People.  Usually whenever Warren does this, the results are abysmal.  While I haven’t seen that version with my own eyes, one thing is for certain, Warren’s movie can’t be much worse than this one.

Despite the fact I have been showcasing various Roku channels for this column, I really haven’t gone into much detail about them.  One cool thing about this channel, Pub-D-Hub, is that they play trailers and drive-in intermission shorts before and during the movie.  The mid-movie break featuring old school commercials were certainly welcomed and helped alleviate some (but not all) of the boredom.  

AKA:  Invasion of the Animal People.  AKA:  Space Invasion of Lapland.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #29: ALPHA WOLF (2018) ** ½

(Streamed via Popcornflix)

Casper Van Dien and his wife Jennifer Wenger (his real-life wife) vacation in a cabin in the woods.  The couple is looking for a little R & R, but what they get is a big W & W.  And by that, I mean Were n’ Wolf.  Casper gets bitten and thanks to his aggressive nature, becomes a killer.  This makes him a threat to the other peace-loving werewolves in the area, and since there can only be one alpha wolf in the pack, they set out to put Casper down like a dog.

The werewolf is cheesy looking and resembles the Bigfoot from those “Snap into a Slim Jim!” commercials.  That kind of sums up the movie.  It’s cheesy, but it’s just dumb enough to leave a silly grin on your face.  

Van Dien is good as the obnoxious alpha male whose werewolf bite only increases his toxic masculinity.  Wenger also does fine work as his mate who takes no shit from him.  It was also fun seeing Van Dien’s Starship Troopers co-star Patrick Muldoon in a supporting role cast against type as their creepy neighbor.  

Some of the film’s attempts at humor are successful, like when Van Dien is not so subtly marking his territory in the front yard.  I also got a kick out of the in-joke character names, like the dog named “Larry” (after Larry Talbot).  Many horror flicks use the same gimmick, but Alpha Wolf’s references are subtler than your average horror movie, which is appreciated. For example, Wenger’s character is named Virginia.  (You know, as in “Virginia Woolf”.)   

I’m a sucker for a good werewolf movie.  Heck, I’m even a sucker for a not-so good werewolf movie.  Alpha Wolf kinda splits the difference between the two.  I liked the sequence where Van Dien stalks some horny campers, which kind of plays like a slasher flick, but with a werewolf, and the plot twist in the end is laughable too, although I enjoyed the silliness of it.  

Does Alpha Wolf have too many scenes of Van Dien and Wenger bickering?  Yeah.  Does the eighty-five-minute running time feel a tad padded?  Sure.  However, the emphasis on practical werewolf effects over CGI is endearing, and Van Dien’s tweaked performance helps carry it over some of the lulls.  

MIDNITE PLOWBOY (1971) **

A hayseed named Junior (John Tull) leaves the farm and heads to Hollywood to find his fortune.  He winds up getting a job at a house of ill repute where the ladies of the evening immediately take a shine to him and give him a gangbang on the house.  Before long, he’s driving a van for a pimp, which acts as sort of a bordello on wheels.  Predictably, Junior falls for the pretty young prostitute Bernice (Debbie Osborne), and they begin to plot a way out of the life.  

If you go in thinking this is going to be a softcore spoof of Midnight Cowboy, you’re going to be disappointed.  As it turns out, it’s just another dumb ‘70s skin flick from writer/director Bethel Buckalew.  If you’re familiar with his softcore country bumpkin comedies like Country Cuzzins, Sassy Sue, and The Pig Keeper’s Daughter, you might already know what to expect (and what not to expect).  I’m sure you’ll probably get about what you expected.  Probably a little less.  

The fish out of water comedy schtick is dumb, predictable, and unfunny (there’s a lot of jokes about Junior’s sheep back home) and the softcore scenes are hit and miss.  The opening sequence where Junior gets picked up hitchhiking by a couple and bangs the hot wife in the backseat while her husband drives and watches in the rearview mirror gets things started off on the right foot.  However, the group sex scenes suffer from crummy camerawork and poor lighting.  The scenes that take place in Junior’s fuckmobile are slightly better, although the cramped quarters of the van don’t make for the most optimal camera set-ups.  At least the lovemaking between Tull and Osborne is tender and engaging.  (I could’ve done without the folksy love song on the soundtrack though.)  If it wasn’t for their chemistry, Midnite Plowboy would be complete fertilizer.  

AKA:  Sunset Girls.  

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE # 28: THE RESONATOR: MISKATONIC U (2021) ***

(Streamed via Pluto TV)

When producer Charles Band came up with the idea of “Deadly Ten”, it allowed him to crowdsource funds from fans who wanted to see him dip into his back catalogue of horror films and create sequels, reboots, re-imaginings, and straight-up rip-offs of his old franchises.  Among the series he’s been mining are Puppet Master, Necropolis, and Femalien.  I don’t think anyone would get too upset at the prospect of Band meddling with those brands.  However, The Resonator:  Miskatonic U is a sequel/updating of Stuart Gordon’s From Beyond, one of the greatest horror films of the ’80s.  When you start messing around with classics like that, I start to get nervous.  He and his writer/director William Butler (who got his start with Band acting in Ghoulies 2) were wise not to put the From Beyond moniker in the title as there is no way this could ever hope to compete with that immortal all-timer. 

It begins with a dedication to Gordon, which is a nice touch, and one of the characters is even named “Professor Gordon”, but the movie is closer in tone and feel to something like The Killer Eye than From Beyond.  Speaking as a fan of The Killer Eye, that’s not a bad thing.  If you go into it with reserved expectations, you’ll probably enjoy it as much as I did.  Like most of the Deadly Ten films, it’s kind of fun if you’re in the right frame of mind. 

A cocksure student at Miskatonic University is hellbent on recreating his dead father’s experiments.  He cobbles together a “resonator” that stimulates the user’s pineal gland and allows them to see into another dimension.  After a night of drinking, he invites some friends back to the lab and turns on the machine.  Naturally, he unleashes a bunch of monsters and has to deal with his professor who wants to use the machine to make himself a god.  

While nothing here comes close to approaching the greatness of From Beyond (and frankly, what could?), there is some good stuff.  I dug the appearance of the sexy squid woman who lurks about whenever the machine is turned on.   Speaking of being turned on, the psychic sexual visions are well done, if a tad brief.  Even though much of this feels low rent and cheesy, Butler keeps the pace going at a steady clip (the scant sixty-four-minute running time certainly helps).  The young cast members aren’t exactly memorable, but it helps that the supporting cast is peppered with old pros like Amanda Wyss and Michael Pare.

Overall, The Resonator:  Miskatonic U probably won’t convert any new fans to Band’s Full Moon label, but those who enjoy his recent output should be thoroughly entertained.  The ending opens up the possibility for a sequel as it introduces a very familiar character into the fold in the final moments.  This scene is very much like a Marvel movie post-credits sequence, and it wouldn’t surprise me if Band was angling to make this a franchise a la the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  Would that make it the Miskatonic Cinematic Universe?

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE # 27: KISS OF THE DAMNED (2013) **

(Streamed via Plex)

A vampire babe named Djuna (Josephine de la Baume) picks up Paolo (Milo Ventimiglia from Rocky Balboa) at a video store.  They quickly fall in love, and she decides the only way they can be together is to turn him into a vampire.  Their bliss is soon interrupted when her troublemaking sister Mimi (Roxane Mesquida) comes for a visit.  

Written and directed by John Cassavetes’ daughter Xan, Kiss of the Damned is simultaneously arty and low rent.  Superficially, it looks classy and respectable, but there’s really not much here to differentiate it from countless other bloodsucker dramas that have come before.  It works slightly better during the courtship phase of Djuna and Paolo’s relationship than when she is showing him the ropes of being a vampire.  The film does get a little lift once Mimi enters the picture, however her constant bickering with Djuna doesn’t have much dramatic oomph to carry the bulk of the picture.  It also doesn’t help that vampire sex scenes are uneven at best.  While Ventimiglia and Mesquida’s tryst in the shower is appropriately steamy, the rest of the lovemaking/blood drinking sequences offer more tease than please.  The only touch I really enjoyed was the fact they drink a synthetic blood substitute called “politically correct plasma”. 

Mesquida has a bit of spark about her, but de la Baume is pretty annoying as the lead bloodsucker.  She spends just as much time whining as she does drinking blood, which ruins some of the fun.  Ventimiglia is fine if a bit bland as the romantic lead.  Michael Rapaport is amusing though in an extended cameo as Ventimiglia’s coke-snorting agent.  Another bright spot is Riley Keough who appears late in the game as a victim.  You’ll wish she had more to do because when she’s on screen, this undead drama fitfully comes to life.

Ultimately, Kiss of the Damned doesn’t explore any new territory.  If you like romantically tinged vampire dramas, you might enjoy it.  For me, it was fine, but forgettable.  I guess it might’ve worked better if the vampires weren’t a bunch of self-absorbed, classist fat cats.  If anything, the film just goes to show that vampire hoity-toity cocktail parties are just as boring as human ones.

SELF SERVICE GIRLS (1975) ** ½

German softcore grandmaster Erwin C. Dietrich wrote and directed this sexy anthology skin flick.  The wraparound sequences (**) involve a pervert dropping pennies in a porno viewer and watching assorted smut.  It’s a thin, but serviceable framework for this sort of thing, I guess.  The segments themselves are about ten minutes long each, and the best ones are weighted towards the beginning.  

The first segment (*** ½) revolves around a flirty babe (Rita Waldenberg) playing duckpin bowling.  When she excuses herself to “wash her hands”, she strips down to nothing and waits for the male bowlers to sneak into the bathroom to fuck her.  This sequence is fun and steamy, and benefits from a sexy performance by Waldenberg, even if the climax is a bit of a… ahem… wash.  

Sequence two (*** ½) has a hot nurse (Christa Free) assisting a doctor performing a circumcision.  She then takes it upon herself to make sure the patient’s dick still works after the operation and fucks him.  This story has some hilarious dubbing (“How you doing, lamb chop?”), and a sexy performance by Free as the horny nurse.  

A sexy sculptress (Marianne Dupont) picks up a dude with a big dick in a coed sauna in the next segment (*** ½).  She then takes him back to her studio and fucks him.  Like the last story, it benefits from a hot performance by the leading lady, and some wonderfully cheesy dialogue, which only adds to the fun.  

The fourth tale (**) involves a horny passenger who bangs a sexy stewardess (Claudia Fielers) in an airplane bathroom during a flight.  This story is the most basic of the bunch as it’s got a lame set-up and a ho-hum payoff.    While it continues the theme of sex in a public bathroom from the first segment, it’s nowhere near as hot or fun.  

The fifth story (** ½) is about a guy who watches vintage porno cartoons before spying on his hot to trot neighbor (Esther Studer) as she masturbates.  Your enjoyment of this sequence may hinge on your tolerance for all the old-timey adults-only animation.  I have to be honest when I say, it didn’t do a whole lot for me.  I guess if you ever wanted to see a cartoon where a guy goes to a gloryhole and gets pleasured by a cow, here you go.  At least the flesh-and-blood stuff features some graphic close-ups of Studer playing with herself.  There’s also a brief vintage hardcore segment where Santa Claus hooks a woman up to a fuck machine.

After that, it’s time for the sixth segment (**).  A musician practices his violin, and his hot neighbor (Monika Rohde) gets so turned on by his playing that she has to play with herself.  This one, like the stewardess story is all set-up and little payoff and suffers from déjà vu from the previous segment of horny neighbors masturbating.

The final story (**) is yet another tale of horny neighbors.  This time out, a guy can’t get any sleep because the couple next door keep fucking all night long.  He sets out to get revenge on them, but naturally, it backfires.  This one would’ve been okay if it didn’t go on so long and wasn’t the third one in a row about horny neighbors.  It’s not bad, but it doesn’t exactly end the movie with a bang, so to speak.  

AKA:  Tempting Roommates.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #26: ONE MISSED CALL: FINAL (2006) ** ½

(Streamed via Midnight Pulp)

I watched One Missed Call 2 during the early days of this thirty-one-movie watching project.  I figured why wait to close out the trilogy?  As it turns out, it’s the best of the trio.

A group of Japanese schoolkids bully a classmate until she finally cracks and tries to commit suicide.  The indifferent brats then head to South Korea on a field trip.  During their sightseeing tour, the students begin receiving ominous phone calls that portend their impending death.  

There are a couple interesting elements here that help to separate Final from the other films in the One Missed Call series.  The first is the fact that the ghostly girl is aided in her quest for revenge by a friend who helps select the order of the victims from a class photo.  Another new wrinkle is the fact that the would-be victims can escape their death by forwarding their deadly phone call to another student.  This adds to the animosity and distrust among the circle of classmates.  Because of that, the horror comes not only from the ghostly girl, but seeing how the classmates turn on one another.  This helps give this installment a unique energy.  Another cool thing is that the deaths sometimes feel like they came out of a Final Destination movie (especially the one involving a live wire), which might explain the subtitle.  Although some of the deaths are more effective than others (the scene where the guy pukes feathers is kind of lame), they work reasonably well for the most part.  

I was intending to give this a favorable review until the third act rolled around.  The subplot involving people trying to stop the ghostly girl’s reign of terror by flooding her inbox with emails containing “positive messages” made my eyeballs roll back into my fucking skull.  That dumb scene definitely knocked the movie down a notch in my book.  However, even with that supremely shitty sequence, One Missed Call:  Final is easily the best film in the franchise.

AKA:  One Missed Call 3:  Final.  AKA:  The Call:  Final.  AKA:  Final Call.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #25: GORGON VIDEO MAGAZINE (1989) ***

(Streamed via B-Zone)

Michael Berryman hosts this horror video magazine from the good people at Gorgon Video.  He’s pretty amusing too.  Dressed in his Hills Have Eyes get-up, Berryman really gets into his introductions and helps make this uneven compilation worthwhile.  

The first segment is a good interview with Wes Craven.  Much of the discussion revolves around Last House on the Left and The Hills Have Eyes.  We also see him in behind the scenes footage of Shocker.  (Wes calls it, “the purest film Wes Craven has ever done”.  LOL.  Sure, Wes.)  Next up is an interview with KNB Effects.  They talk about some of the films that inspired them before taking us on a tour of their studio.  Then, we have a segment devoted to Linnea Quigley.  Naturally, they show her immortal “Dance of the Double Chainsaws” from Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers.  There are also scenes from Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, and the iconic lipstick scene from Night of the Demons.  Next, is a look inside Troma Studios.  Lloyd Kaufman is his usually gregarious self, although he’s slightly more subdued here than he’d later become.  Scenes from The Toxic Avenger, The Toxic Avenger 2, and Rabid Grannies are also shown.

There’s also a review corner that features reviews for Cameron’s Closet, Henry:  Portrait of a Serial Killer, Bad Taste, and Vicious.  Then Berryman talks about drive-in classics like A Bucket of Blood and Attack of the Giant Leeches that turns into a plug for Sinister Cinema.  Things wind down in the end with concert footage of GWAR and trailers for Death Spa, Girlfriend from Hell, and Judgment Day.

As a clip show/horror digest, it’s fun.  It probably would’ve been better as a forty-five-minute video rather than seventy as it begins running out of steam near the end.  It’s not quite up to snuff with the likes of the Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors or Stephen King’s World of Horror videos, but it’s a breezy seventy minutes of blood, gore, and info.  (I especially enjoyed the segments on Craven and Quigley.)  

EROTICISE (1983) ***

In the ‘80s, workout tapes were all the rage.  As was softcore smut.  Writer/director Ed Hansen, the genius he is, hit upon a million-dollar idea:  Why not combine the two?  Thus, Eroticise was born.  

What is Eroticise, you ask?  Well, it LOOKS like the average workout tape your great aunt would watch.  However, stick with it past the first twenty minutes or so of fully clothed stretching, warm-ups, and exercises and you’ll be treated to long workout routines performed by sexy naked women on someone’s deck (probably Hansen’s).  Except for all the thigh-high legwarmers and sweatbands, of course.  I mean, this was the ‘80s after all.  

What makes Eroticise worth watching, aside from the au natural aerobics?  Well, the fact that Kitten Natividad is one of the performers makes this an immediate classic in my book.  Just watching the impossibly busty Kitten bounce, gyrate, jiggle, and cavort around totally nude is enough for me to recommend this wholeheartedly.  (Natividad and Hansen went on to collaborate on the Takin’ It Off series, which are also well worth watching.)  The scenes with the other ladies are pretty good too, and the routines in which they all participate in the exercises together are a lot of fun.  (I’m thinking specifically the part where they all lay in a circle and do bicycle kicks.)  The final cooldown sequence where the ladies splash around in a hot tub pouring champagne on each other is the perfect capper on an already awesome hour of non-stop fun.

Will anybody ever use Eroticise as an honest to God workout tape?  Unless the only muscle they intend on exercising is their forearm, probably not.  (For many… okay… me, that’s exercise enough.)  There is nothing in the way of actual instruction and/or informative substance here.  What there is plenty of is scenes of Kitten Natividad and company naked, and for me, that was enough.  

GHOSTBUSTERS: AFTERLIFE (2021) ***

Freshly evicted from their New York apartment, a single mom (Carrie Coon) and her two kids (McKenna Grace and Finn Wolfhard) move to her father’s dilapidated farmhouse in the middle of nowhere to start anew.  One thing she never told her kids:  Their grandfather was a Ghostbuster.  He also left behind clues to prevent a major supernatural cataclysm the likes that hasn’t been experienced since 1984.  It’s then up to the kids to save the town (and possibly the world) from the evil spirits.  

Ghostbusters:  Afterlife was co-written and directed by Jason Reitman, son of the original Ghostbusters director, Ivan.  What makes the film work is that he gives the film his own unique comedic spin while very much honoring what came before.  When the movie is doing its own thing, it works rather well.  The early scenes of the kids finding the proton pack, PKE meters, and traps is a lot of fun, as is the scene where they take the old ECTO-1 out for a test spin to bust their first ghost.  

When Reitman leans into the nostalgic aspects of the story, he leans perhaps a little too hard, hammering many of the callbacks to the first film squarely on the nose.  While it suffers from the occasional “member berries” moment, when Afterlife clicks, it’s enormously entertaining.  Fans of the original may be dismayed that it takes a while for the OG Ghostbusters to make their entrance, but it’s well worth the wait.  Again, some of their schtick relies too heavily on what they did thirty-seven years ago, but there is at least one huge laugh to be had during their brief reunion.  Do I wish they had more to do?  Yes.  Do I wish the editing was a little tighter in the second act?  Sure.  However, Ghostbusters fans will no doubt get a kick out of much of the busting that takes place.  

The performances are all around great, which helps give this iteration in the franchise its own identity.  Coon is fun as the world-weary mom whose main advice to her kids is “Don’t be yourself”.  McKenna Grace is a star in the making.  Much of the movie rests on her shoulders and she gamely carries it in stride.  Finn Wolfhard isn’t quite as successful, but that’s mostly because his role is just the classic older brother cliché character.  Even then, he still gets his share of moments.  

It’s Paul Rudd who completely steals the movie as the kids’ teacher who nerds out when he sees the Ghostbuster equipment.  He also gets the biggest laugh when he shows his class a very inappropriate film.  If there is a sequel (and the post-credits scene suggests there might), I hope he becomes a full-fledged Ghostbuster because he is the best thing about the flick.  

Overall, it’s not quite as memorable as Ghostbusters 2, but it’s certainly more fun than the recent reboot.  It arguably has as much heart as the original as I will freely admit it hit me in the feels a few times.  While I wish Reitman didn’t rehash so much of the plot of the original (especially in the third act), Afterlife proves there is plenty of life left in the Ghostbusters franchise.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #24: SEXY CAT (1973) **

(Streamed via Otherworlds TV)

A cartoonist is incensed when an unscrupulous producer steals his comic book character, Sexy Cat, so he hires a private detective named Mike Cash (German Cobas) to find proof he’s the real creator.  Since a Sexy Cat television show is in the works, the artist stands to make a fortune if he finally receives credit.  Naturally, he gets bumped off by someone wearing a Sexy Cat costume in the same manner as characters in the comic strip.  Despite the fact his client is dead, the private eye decides to see the case through to the end and bring down the killer.  

The Sexy Cat character is sort of like a mix between Catwoman and Barb Wire.  They were definitely riding on the coattails of the Batman TV show, but despite the title, it’s much more like a giallo where a killer murders their victims during bloody, over the top set pieces.  Daggers, snakes, plastic bags, and cat claws are all used to make mincemeat of the murderer’s targets.  Director Julio Perez (Hot Panties) Tabernero gives the film a fun, colorful, poppy vibe that at least makes it visually interesting whenever the plot starts spinning its wheels.  

After a fine set-up, things slow down to a crawl once the film settles into a rhythm of Cobas interrogating the various suspects (including a stereotypical comic relief “dress maker” who is accompanied by a whimsical music cue).  It’s here where it starts to feel like a ho-hum TV detective pilot.  The movie particularly loses a lot of flair once Dyanik (The Hanging Woman) Zurakowska is killed off.  At least she looks great and has a couple of nude scenes before meeting her demise.  

Bottom Line:  Whenever it concentrates on the comic book killer offing her victims, it's enjoyable.  When it gets bogged down with a lot of talk, it’s decidedly less than purr-fect.    

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #23: KILLER BARBYS (1996) ***

(Streamed via Kino Cult)

Jess Franco directed this fun and gory rock n’ roll horror flick.  The Spanish punk band, The Killer Barbies are on their way to a gig when their van breaks down.  They wind up spending the night in a nearby creepy castle owned by a bedridden Countess.  As it turns out, she is a centuries-old vampire who intends to drink the band dry in order to regain her youth.

It’s easy to see why Franco would want to work with The Killer Barbies as lead singer Silvia Superstar looks dynamite on stage wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini while screaming about sex, murder, Troma, and comic books.  It’s a match made in Heaven if you ask me.  The movie itself kind of has the feel of an R-rated Scooby-Doo episode (or maybe Josie and the Pussycats since it features a rock band led by a sexy singer).  Even though it was made in the mid ‘90s, there are some sequences here that look like they come straight out of a Franco film from the ‘70s as the fog-drenched outdoor scenes, grimy special effects, and Vaseline-smeared camera lenses harken back to Franco’s golden era.  One particularly memorable sequence finds the Countess’s minions chasing a nude groupie through the woods, ending on an unlikely (but highly enjoyable) note.  

I think my favorite moment though was the awkward dinner party where the Barbies do some simple math and figure that their sexy hostess should be about a hundred years old.  Slightly miffed, she whips out her tit at the dinner table and says, “Is this the breast of a woman of one-hundred?”  What makes this scene even better is the fact that the Countess is played by none other than Burial Ground’s Mariangela Giordano!   Remember the sexy MILF who breastfed her zombie kid in that movie?  She still looks great too.  Oh, and to answer her question, I have to say her breast looks much better than any hundred-year-old (or sixty-year-old, which is how old she was when she made the movie) breast I’ve ever seen.  Later in the film, Giordano seduces a band member and looks simply incredible while writhing naked on top of him, proving that age is just a number when it comes to being wickedly sexy.  

While there are flashes of brilliance here and there, the film does kind of dawdle when it enters the homestretch.  It’s here where things devolve into an endless series of scenes of Silvia Superstar wandering down the smoky corridors of the castle.  Since she does so while wearing Spider-Man Underoos, it’s hard to complain too much.  Fortunately, Franco sends us off on a high note by delivering a great death by steamroller and what has to be one of the most hilarious scenes of defenestration ever captured on film.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering why the movie is called Killer Barbys and the band is called The Killer Barbies, it’s because Mattel, who owns the Barbie copyright sued Franco and made him change the title—No, seriously! 

Franco and the Killer Barbies reunited six years later for a sequel, Killer Barbys vs. Dracula.

AKA:  Vampire Killer Barbys.  

SHANG-CHI AND THE LEGEND OF THE TEN RINGS (2021) ***

I can’t say Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings is one of the best films in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it is an interesting attempt to make a Marvel flick in the style of a Kung Fu movie.  (Or is it a Kung Fu movie done in the style of a Marvel flick?)  The prologue has a kind of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon feel to it, and the big Kung Fu set piece on a runaway bus plays like a Jackie Chan version of Speed.  Like most of these things, it’s pleasant and enjoyable, although the effects kind of overwhelm it by the time the end credits roll.  

Shaun (Simu Liu) looks like just another slacker valet.  In reality, he’s a badass named Shang-Chi who possesses the deadly hands of Kung Fu.  He’s hiding out from his warlord father (Tony Leung) who wants him to go into the family business of being a deadly assassin.  Naturally, he eventually comes looking for Shang-Chi to give him a new assignment, but can he really trust his dear old dad?  

The cast is uniformly strong.  Liu proves to be a solid action hero.  He’s capable in his fight scenes and handles his dramatic stuff in fine fashion.  Awkwafina dials down her usual shtick and makes for a decent sidekick.  Leung makes the biggest impression and has many more layers to him than your typical Marvel villain.  I also enjoyed seeing Florian (Creed 2) Munteanu as the badass henchman with a machete for an arm as well as Michelle Yeoh in the smallish role of Shang-Chi’s aunt.

There are some janky looking CGI here and there, but it’s nothing that takes you completely out of the moment.  The good news is the fight scenes are much better than your typical Marvel movie.  Many are done in long takes and camerawork during the fights are done with a steady hand, which is appreciated.  The final battle sequence plays like an Asian inspired version of the Wakanda scenes in Black Panther.  They work pretty well too, that is, until the cheesy dragon fight takes prevalence over the human drama and action.  Still, I guess these comic book spectacles are entitled to their over-the-top CGI sequences.  

Like any good Kung Fu flick, there’s a sequence set in an underground fight club.  Since it’s a Marvel jam, they all use superpowers.  It’s cheesy and garish, and reminded me of something out of an early ‘00s X-Men movie (and I mean that as a compliment).  This scene also figures a couple obligatory cameos just to remind you it’s all taking part within the larger scheme of the Marvel Universe.  There are other familiar faces that feel like fan service but are entertaining enough.

Overall, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings is about middle of the road as far as the MCU goes.  I’m sure we’ll see much more of him in the future, which is a good thing.  Maybe more Marvel movies will take a page from this one and deliver crisp and coherent action sequences.  

 Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

DON’T BREATHE 2 (2021) ****

The Blind Man (Stephen Lang) is back!  The man who did for turkey basters what Norman Bates did for showers returns to sock it to another bunch of home invaders stupid enough to trespass on the nutzo Navy SEAL’s property.  This time, it’s a gang of scuzzy ex-military black market organ harvesters who want to strip his adopted daughter (Madelyn Grace) for parts.  It does not take them long to realize they fucked with the wrong blind man.  

While there’s nothing here that comes close to matching the immortal turkey baster scene of Fede Alvarez’s original, I have to say that new director Rodo Sayagues creates a number of nifty sequences.  The scene where the home invaders stalk Grace is full of long takes that not only serve to heighten the suspense, but also map out the geography of the house for the audience.  There’s also a clever sequence in which she is locked inside a metal box that is slowly being filled with water as well as a harrowing bit involving a wheelchair and a machete.  My favorite part though was when Lang busted out some Krazy Glue on a perp, and for my money it’s the best Krazy Glue scene since Under Pressure with Charlie Sheen.   

I know some viewers took issue with the filmmakers trying to take such a despicable character from the original and make him out to be the hero in this one, but as we learned from The Chronicles of Riddick, sometimes you have to fight evil with another kind of evil.  I mean how can you argue with a movie’s morals when it takes its redemption arc nearly verbatim from the Return of the Jedi playbook?  As the Video Vacuum always says, “If you’ve got to steal from somebody, steal from the best!”

While it falls just shy of matching the insanity of the first movie, Don’t Breathe 2 is a worthy sequel.  It features more choice moments in one single suspense sequence than most sequels can muster in their entire running time.  In short, it will leave you breathless.   

DEEP THROAT PART 2 (1974) ½ *

It’s been a long time since I saw Deep Throat.  From what I seem to remember, Linda Lovelace had a clit in her throat, which why she had to suck so much dick.  This sequel is a SOFTCORE spy comedy.  The fact that it was directed by Joe Sarno gave me hope it would be memorable.  As it turns out, this Deep Throat is about as shallow as they come.  

Lovelace wakes up and does some nude exercises during the opening credits.  This is the best scene in the movie as it’s all downhill from there.  She gets naked frequently throughout the film and that’s about the only reason preventing it from getting a NO STAR rating.  

Once again, Linda plays a nurse.  This time, she works in a sex clinic helping patients live out their fantasies.  She gets hired by the government to find the creator of a computer with a human brain and get the lowdown on it.  Naturally, Russian agents are also after the computer.  

I don’t know if this was the only time a porno movie inspired an R rated sequel, but it was definitely the first.  I mean the original was so popular when it first came out that they probably could’ve released a blank screen under the Deep Throat name and still would’ve turned a profit.  Just because you CAN release a piece of shit merely to cash in on a popular name doesn’t mean you should.  

The comedy shit is painful to watch.  (Would it surprise you to learn that Lovelace’s code name is “Agent Double-O 69”?)  Even Jamie Gillis’ overacting can’t save it.  I guess if there was some hardcore action to counterbalance all this nonsense, it wouldn’t have been so bad.  Heck, even a handful of decent softcore scenes might’ve taken the sting out of it.  However, much of the sex usually happens offscreen and/or feels like it was abruptly edited out.  I’m not sure if it was neutered by distributors or always intended to be R rated, but the results are bafflingly bad.  (Even the dialogue scenes suffer from whack-a-doodle editing choices.)  It’s especially disappointing considering it was directed by the great Joe Sarno as it is by far the worst Sarno flick I’ve seen.  

Ultimately, Deep Throat Part 2 is a shameless, cheap, and stupid cash-in with no redeeming value, other than a few nude scenes from Linda Lovelace.  What’s worse, she doesn’t even get to show off her deep throat skills!  What a rip-off!

The finale, which features a chase scene involving a dog sled, roller skaters, and a chariot, is atrocious.  Eventually, everything devolves into a lame ass pie fight.  While it’s still not as out-and-out awful as Linda Lovelace for President, it’s still one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve sat through in a long time.  

Thirteen years later, the REAL Deep Throat Part 2 was released.   

ROCKY IV: ROCKY VS. DRAGO (2021) ****

When I heard Sylvester Stallone was preparing a director’s cut of Rocky IV, I got a little apprehensive.  Next to Star Wars, Rocky is my favorite film series of all time.  IV in particular is a favorite of mine, and I didn’t want to see it ruined.  While it isn’t perfect, it is fascinating for fans of the series as sort of an alternate universe version of the classic sequel.  It will never replace the original version by any means, but I’m glad it kept Stallone busy during the pandemic, even if the results are a bit of a mixed bag.  

First thing is first.  Yes, the robot is gone.  I knew this going in and had time to prepare myself, so it didn’t come as a total shock.  While I’m miffed the robot is nowhere to be seen, its absence helps tone down some of the zanier aspects of Rocky IV, which makes this director’s cut more in line tonally to Rocky V.  Some of the additions are nice (especially Apollo’s expanded role early on) and the final fight is a little more brutal (at least in the final round).  

Therein lies the problem:  You don’t want Rocky IV to be toned down.  You want it to revel in all its ‘80s excesses.  Not only is the robot gone, but also the entirety of Paulie’s birthday, which means his great birthday cake winds up on the cutting room floor.  Also, the following scene where Rocky gives Adrian her anniversary cake is gone.  These two consecutive scenes were always among my favorite unsung moments in the original version.  I mean, who eats TWO CAKES in the span of two minutes of screen time?  Not only that, but compliments to Rocky’s baker.  Their cake game was on point.  Imagine creating not one but TWO stellar cakes in the same day.  I like to see some of those contestants on those bake-off shows try to compete with that.

Like most director’s cuts, for every change I like there’s a change I don’t, which basically cancels it out. I liked Apollo’s new scenes, but Tony’s speech at his funeral was the real highlight.  I wish Sly had left that in as it sets up Tony’s mentor role later in the film.  I also dug the extra bit where the Soviets refuse Rocky the use of sparring partners, which explains why he trains alone in the middle of nowhere.  Whereas Carl Weathers’ role was greatly expanded here, Brigitte Neilsen’s role has been drastically reduced, possibly due to criticism Stallone faced for casting his wife in a sizeable role.  Dolph Lundgren gets a little more to do in this version, but there’s nothing really significant.   

The thing with Rocky IV is that it is like its main character:  It doesn’t have an ounce of fat on it.  The additions Stallone made to the director’s cut are nice for Rocky fans (of which, I’m one of the biggest), but ultimately, I have to side with Sly’s initial gut instinct to trim it down to the purest essentials.  At its heart, Rocky vs. Drago is still Rocky IV, so of course, I freaking love it.  Having said that, I don’t know if I’ll ever revisit it again.  It remains a fascinating, if flawed do-over, and I’m glad it exists.  

AKA:  Rocky IV:  Rocky vs. Drago:  The Ultimate Director’s Cut.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #22: ART OF THE DEAD (2019) ***

(Streamed via Jungo+)

Last year for The 31 Movies of Horror-Ween, I watched the highly enjoyable horror-comedy Bus Party to Hell starring Tara Reid.  Since I’m already a fan of writer/director Rolfe Kanefsky, I figured I would give their follow-up, Art of the Dead a whirl this year as part of The Roku Horror Picture Show.  While it falls short of the minor classic that is Bus Party to Hell, it is a fun and entertaining horror flick in its own right.  

The opening is surprisingly effective.  An art collector (Richard Greico) finally completes his coveted collection of animal paintings (all of which are based on the seven deadly sins) which slowly drive him to murder his entire family.  Gina (Jessica Morris) then acquires the paintings at an auction, unaware of their tainted legacy.  Pretty soon, she and her family fall under the paintings’ deadly spell and become imbued with each painting’s particular sin.  

The cast is solid all the way through.  Greico in particular shows he still has some strong chops and makes his brief screen time memorable and impactful.  Ally Holmes does a fine job too as the girlfriend who tries to save the family from destroying themselves.  It was also good to see Skinamax staple Robert Donavan (who appeared in many of Kanefsky’s late-night cable flicks) as the one-eyed priest who knows the paintings are cursed.  Reid isn’t bad either as the art gallery owner who auctions off the paintings.  She isn’t given a whole lot to do, but at least gets more screen time here than she did in Bus Party to Hell.    

Parts of Art of the Dead are sloppy and uneven, but the movie has some surprises up its sleeve, especially in the third act, so make sure you stay with it.  The gory highlights help to keep things on track, even when the plot starts spinning its wheels.  The scene where a guy drinks himself until he literally bursts is worthy of a Leprechaun movie, and the part where the budding artist of the family scours the seamy side of town to look for vict… err… subjects to paint felt like a modern riff on The Brain That Wouldn’t Die.  Heck, the scenes that take place inside the paintings even reminded me a bit of Kanefsky’s Emmanuelle storybook spoof, Adventures into the Woods:  The Musical.     

I don’t know about art, but I know what I like.  While Art of the Dead is no masterpiece, it’s a fun little chiller that delivers the goods.  I say Van Gough see it.

AKA:  Seven Deadly Sins.

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990) *

Since George A. Romero’s Night of the Living Dead quickly fell into the public domain after its initial release, he didn’t see a dime from its massive success.  Twenty-two years later, he finally cashed in with this terrible remake that is just as bad if not worse than many of the zombie films that were inspired by the original.  The plot is more or less the same.  The dead rise from the grave and eat the living.  A band of survivors hole up at an old farmhouse and try to make it through the night, if they can stop their endless bickering that is.  

You would think that with a script by Romero and his usual special effects maestro Tom Savani at the helm, this remake would’ve worked like gangbusters.  As it turns out, it’s a soulless bore that looks and feels like it was churned out for a quick buck.  Savani’s direction is flat and straightforward, which would be fine if he delivered on the gore.  You’d think a man who made his living on devising increasingly gruesome and gory ways to off someone would’ve loaded their directorial debut to the gills with gore.  That might’ve been the case, but since the MPAA cut it to ribbons, we’ll never know.  Nary a gut is munched, which is a goddamned shame.  To make matters worse, this Night features some rather terrible effects, with some of the most obviously phony prop heads in screen history.  How did a special effects guru like Savani let something like this slip?

As much as I think Savani dropped the ball here, I have to say Romero should shoulder much of the blame.  His original script (co-written by John Russo) was ripe with political commentary, anger, and a wicked streak a mile long.  This one is as lifeless and shambling as the zombies.  What’s worse is that the ending has been drastically changed, or as I like to say, COMPLETELY RUINED.  When you remove any kind of political subtext from Night of the Living Dead, what you’re left with is just another forgettable zombie flick. 

Romero also throws all subtlety out the window.  Barbara’s final line could’ve easily gone unsaid, and the audience would’ve gotten the message loud and clear.  Romero, however, hammers it home like so many nails in the boarded-up farmhouse in the movie.  Also, the scene where Ben screams, “This is Hell on Earth!” and Savani cuts to flames flickering in the fireplace offers one of the film’s few unintentional laughs.  The occasional chortle here and there saves it from being a complete disgrace, but the lack of scares, gore, and/or subtext makes this Night feel more like an exercise in futility.   

It doesn’t help that ALL the characters are completely unlikeable.  I know Harry is supposed to be a jerk, but you even have a hard time rooting for Ben in this one as he hollers and bitches about shit nearly as much.  Also, Barbara’s transformation from callow crybaby to a gun-toting coldblooded killer is almost laughable.  I know Romero was trying to make up for having Barbara being so wishy-washy in the original but having her abruptly turn into a Ripley clone halfway through is just ridiculous.   

In short, shoot this one in the head.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #21: FACES OF DEATH 2 (1981) **

(Streamed via The Halloween Channel)

The video box for Faces of Death 2 messed me up as a child.  It scared me so much that every time I went to our local mom and pop video store, I practically had to avert my eyes from the row that proudly displayed the Faces of Death franchise.  The boxes for the other films in the series weren’t that bothersome to me, but the artwork for 2 really got under my skin.  I think it was the doctor wearing the mask that got to me.  Since people wearing masks is commonplace nowadays (or at least you would hope so), I think it’s finally time I faced my fears and watched Faces of Death 2.  

After a title sequence featuring paramedics hauling away dead bodies, “Dr. Francis B. Gross” appears on screen to take us on a tour of funeral homes.  Other segments revolve around Hindu cremation ceremonies, a German burn ward, avalanches, the death of boxer Johnny Owen, various mishaps and accidents involving daredevils and stuntmen, airplane and train crashes, war atrocities, drugs, cannibals, a Wild West collector who keeps the pickled head of a cowboy on display, and a firing squad.

Some of this is obviously phony (like the hold-up sequence), but the real scenes certainly have a kick to them (like the segment on Owen).  However, the senseless scenes of animal cruelty, slaughter, and experimentation were totally unnecessary.  It’s one thing to have a morbid curiosity about the nature of death in humans.  It’s pretty reprehensible to rub the audience’s noses in wanton animal abuse.  While these sequences are mostly brief (although they will probably feel a lot longer for sensitive viewers), they leave a bad taste in your mouth, and unfortunately make Faces of Death 2 easily skippable for the faint of heart.  Even as a sequel to the most notorious mondo movie of all time, it comes up a bit short.  Still, it’s hard to completely dismiss, based on the boxing segment alone.

I usually don’t comment on the commercials I see on these Roku channels, but I had to commend whoever programmed the commercials to accompany this feature.  Almost all of them are speeding PSAs featuring accident victims urging motorists to slow down.  One thing is for sure, The Halloween Channel’s algorithm is spot-on, if, a bit in poor taste (which sure as hell goes along with the movie).