MOTORCYCLE GANG (1957) ** ½

Anne (Jailhouse Rock) Neyland turns in a great performance as the tough and feisty motorcycle-riding Terry.  It’s easy to see why the leader of the local motorcycle gang Randy (Steven Terrell) falls head over heels for her.  Trouble brews though when the gang’s former leader, Nick (John Ashley) gets out of prison looking for a fight.  Things get increasingly tense between the pair when Terry begins dating them both at the same time.  

Directed by Edward L. Cahn for AIP, Motorcycle Gang was obviously meant to cash in on The Wild One.  However, the dramatics are a lot closer to Frankie Avalon than Marlon Brando.  Overall, it’s an interesting near-miss.  It came out a good decade before the biker movie craze of the ‘60s, so there wasn’t quite a blueprint for this sort of thing yet.  Even though it hits a few bumps in the road, it makes for a good ride.

The film is at its best when the so-called gang are racing their bikes.  The ending where Ashley (playing yet another Juvenile Delinquent hothead) and his gang terrorize a small town feels like it came out of another movie, and love triangle stuff between the three leads is a bit ho-hum, but Neyland is always fun to watch.  The fact that the teenage characters speak in an unending stream of hip ‘50s jive talk helps keep what could’ve been boring dialogue scenes engaging.  

The supporting cast is interesting too.  This was the next to last film for Carl Switzer, better known as Alfalfa from The Little Rascals who plays Terrell’s buddy, Speed.  He would sadly die two years later, shot in the dick.  The film also boasts a rare non-monster role for special effects man Paul Blaisdell, and ‘90s action fans will also enjoy seeing Aki Aleong making his motion picture debut as the owner of the local hamburger stand/juke joint.

The movie really belongs to Neyland though.  Her character’s opinionated, liberated, and bigger than life, something of a rarity in these films.  Her performance alone (OK, her constant use of hilarious slang helps too) makes Motorcycle Gang stand out from similar movies from the era.  It may not be the leader of the pack, but it’s far from bringing up the rear. 

HELL’S HIGHWAY (2002) ***

A foursome of college students travels through the desert on their way to Los Angeles.  Along the way, they pick up a sexy/scary hitchhiker (Phoebe Dollar from Goth), and it doesn’t take long for her to show her psycho true colors.  Thus begins a game of cat and mouse as she doggedly pursues the quartet of friends through the desert.

Even though Hell’s Highway (Dollar calls the road, “The Devil’s Highway”, but I guess the alliterative “Hell’s Highway” had a better ring to it) was made on an obviously low budget, it gets off to a surprisingly strong start.  The opening sequence where Dollar is picked up by a guy who looks to be a serial killer finishes off with a nice little twist.  

The following sequence had me worried for a second since it features the requisite stereotypical horror movie character who films everything with his camera, which leads to a lot of shaky-cam nonsense.  Usually, that’s a debit in a flick like this.  Luckily for us, it gives Skinamax siren Beverly Lynne an opportunity to gleefully flash her boobs for the camera every chance she gets.  Lynne, it must be said, is excellent in this.  They say the sign of a great actor is that they listen to their fellow actors speak instead of waiting for their turn to talk.  There is one scene where she doesn’t have any dialogue but is held in rapt attention to what the other characters are saying.  Not many actresses can steal a scene without saying anything at all, but Lynne is definitely one of them.  

Dollar is equally good as the psycho hitcher.  I admit, even though I’d be 99% sure she was gonna gut me like a fish, I’d still probably give her a lift.  She also gets to do a great Leatherface-style chainsaw dance and has lots of good lines like, “I’m not gonna kill you in cold blood.  I’m gonna warm you up first!”  There’s also a funny bit by Ron Jeremy as a motorist who gets his dick cut off.  

Sure, there are a couple of “Found Footage” sequences, but they work a lot better than most movies of the subgenre.  That’s because they are used sparingly and don’t have a lot of sequences that are needlessly dragged out.  The filmmakers also seem to be of the mind that these sequences are only here because Found Footage was hot at the time, which explains why a character gripes, “Next time, we bring a fucking tripod!”  That line alone is enough to make it the best Found Footage movie of all time, even if the Found Footage only accounts for about 15% of the running time.

Hell’s Highway is only sixty-nine minutes, so it doesn’t fuck around like many of its contemporaries.  It also boasts some surprisingly strong gore and splatter effects.  (There’s a gut ripping scene that has to break some sort of record.)  Director Jeff (Charlie’s Death Wish) Leroy lends the film some unexpected stylistic touches too, like the scene where the characters wait for a cellphone to ring.  It’s only in the final ten minutes does it stumble and stumble badly as the “twist” ending just doesn’t work at all.  That’s okay though, because there’s still enough fun, gore, and skin to be had in the first hour or so to make Hell’s Highway a winner.

KEKKO KAMEN (1991) **

The Kekko Kamen anime series was such a big hit that this live-action version soon followed.  The show was about the titular superheroine who wore a red mask and nothing else while fighting crime.  While the show was a lot of fun, inevitably, something gets lost in translation when you try to take such a wild cartoon and try to make her into flesh and blood.

An evil guy in a court jester costume assumes control of an all-girl school.  When a pervert teacher (who seems loosely inspired by Dennis Hopper’s character in Blue Velvet) attempts to shave a pussy (as in, cat) as part of his lesson, one of his students tries to prevent the act of animal cruelty.  He then ties her up for her insolence and just as he’s about to torture her, the sexy crimefighter Kekko Kamen arrives on the scene to stop him.  Kekko next socks it to a karate teacher who likes to get handsy with his female students.  Finally, when the headmaster holds an assembly where a student is publicly whipped, Kekko drops in to give him a taste of his own medicine.    

As fun as the idea of having a nude crimefighter is (she hides her face and exposes her body), the execution leaves something to be desired.  One of the problems is that the production values are really shoddy.  It was shot on video, and suffers from a low budget, and some poor acting.  Not that any of those things are necessarily a dealbreaker when you are making a movie about a nude crimefighter.  However, those nude crimefighting scenes are few and far between, and when they finally do arrive, they aren’t particularly well-executed, funny, or even sexy.  I mean, the part where she kills a guy by shooting light out of her vagina is kinda amusing, but it’s a long time… uh… coming.  Besides, all the hammy acting and unfunny comic relief during the fully clothed stretches has a tendency to wear on the nerves.  Still, it clocks in at well under an hour, so at least it’s short.  

SATAN’S STORYBOOK (1989) * ½

Satan’s Storybook looks like one of those deals where the director had two or three unfinished/abandoned/unreleased movies, cobbled them together, and passed them off as an “anthology” horror film.  I’m not saying it’s totally without merit.  I mean, any time you start a flick with Ginger Lynn Allen dressed as a Ninja, you’re doing something right.  However, things go downhill from there awful fast.  

Allen stars in the “Wraparound” (**) segments as a warrior woman sworn to bring her Satanic Queen sister (Leslie Deutsch) to justice.  Her boyfriend just so happens to be Satan (Ray Robert, a beefy guy with a skull face who probably inspired Mortal Kombat’s Shao Kahn), and he sends his minions out to find her.  While waiting for his Queen’s return, he asks his jester (Michael Daevid) to tell him some scary stories.  

The first tale is about a serial killer named “The Demon of Death” (* ½) who likes to pick his victims at random out of the phonebook.  The killer (co-writer Steven K. Arthur) murders a young woman’s parents and is arrested before he can kill her too.  Six years pass, and the killer still hasn’t been executed.  The woman (Leesa Rowland from The Class of Nuke ‘Em High 2, 3, and 4) then turns to black magic to make sure he gets what’s coming to him.  Naturally, things don’t go as planned.

Even though this story starts off well enough, it quickly goes down the tubes once the killer is arrested.  From then on, it just twiddles its thumbs way too much and the twist ending, when it finally does come, is rushed and unsatisfying.  While the wraparound sequences look slightly more polished than your typical SOV horror flick, The Demon of Death is just about what you would expect from the genre.  The lighting is crappy, the cinematography is cruddy, and some of the actors are visibly reading from their scripts.  It also doesn’t help that the so-called Demon of Death just looks and acts like your typical ‘80s metalhead dude, which is to say he isn’t very intimidating.  

The second story is called “Death Among Clowns” (*).  It stars the author of The Howling, Gary Brandner as an alcoholic clown that commits suicide in his dressing room.  A demonic clown (writer/director Michael Rider), sporting a silly looking tail) then arrives to drag him to Hell.  

Sure, it’s funny to see Brandner in his only acting role (a Howling 4 poster is briefly glimpsed in the first story as well), but it’s painfully obvious that he is not an actor.  It doesn’t help that he spends nearly all his screen time in a shoddy looking clown get-up.  As bad as he is, Rider is twice as annoying, and their unending banter makes this story feel like it lasts an eternity.  Another debit is the fact that it’s a straightforward story and no attempt whatsoever is made to give it a twist ending, something that’s a virtual perquisite for an anthology horror movie.

While shot on video, the wraparound sequences of Satan’s Storybook look better than many of its ‘80s SOV contemporaries.  The use of red lights in the opening works rather well, and the throne room scenes are more inventive than many horror flicks that were shot in somebody’s backyard.  That said, once it switches over to the stories, it looks and feels more like your typical SOV crap.  Adding insult to injury is the fact that the wraparound ends with a cliffhanger to a sequel that never happened.  (Thank God.)

I’m sure Ginger worked on pornos that had ten times the budget this one had.  Fortunately, her performance is the best thing about the movie, which helps make it go down smoother than expected.  She looks terrific (I especially liked the scene where Ginger magically transforms from her Ninja get-up to a more sword and sorcery-inspired wardrobe), and even manages not to embarrass herself during her longwinded monologues.  If she can emerge from something like this relatively unscathed, it proves that she has better acting chops than most give her credit for.  

THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI (2017) ****

When the police fail to find her daughter’s killer, a mother (Frances McDormand) puts up three billboards in her hometown asking why nothing has been done.  The sheriff (Woody Harrelson) is incensed because his name is on the billboard, and he feels he’s being personally attacked.  Her shrewdness eventually spurns him into action, even though the consequences of putting up the billboards makes her a target for the pro-cop community.  

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri is a triumph through and through.  Written and directed by Martin (In Bruges) McDonagh, it’s a powerful, sad, angry, and wickedly funny movie.  You might be surprised that a movie about rape, murder, cancer, and racism can be so funny, but I assure you, I laughed a lot during the film.  The humor comes out of the characters’ plight and the fact that they don’t act like your ordinary movie characters, but regular human beings.  They are all deeply flawed, wounded, and suffering individuals whose pain and anger propels them to do what they do, so of course, they have to have a sense of humor.  

There are some dark moments to be sure.  And some incredibly sad ones.  I’m not too proud to say that even I got a little choked up on this one, thanks to the strong writing and powerful performances.  

McDormand and Rockwell both deservedly won Oscars for their performances.  McDormand is just as good here if not better than she was in Fargo, which is a crazy high bar.  Likewise, Rockwell is as good as he’s ever been, making what in lesser hands could’ve been a buffoonish and ugly character into something a little sadder and more human.  His racist, drunken, and violent outbursts seem to come less from learned hatred and more from a callow self-loathing.  Harrelson is equally fine as the sheriff who despite outward appearances is carrying his own sense of pain and failure around with him.  The supporting cast is ridiculously stacked with heavy hitters as well, all of whom do fine work.  

PLAYMATE WORKOUT (1983) ***

Playmates Jeana Tomasina and Victoria Cooke host this workout video from Playboy.  During the intro they say, “This workout is for women… but you guys can watch too!”  

Jeana, Victoria, and a bunch of other Playmates stand in front of a white background doing calisthenics while wearing skintight workout clothes.  They start with a warm-up exercise before moving on to scissor kicks.  Eventually, the Playmates disrobe from various exercises like push-ups and lunges.  Sometimes, these nude sequences are set against a red background with a harsh red light shining on the Playmates.  I think they were trying to sell the idea that this was a “hot” workout, but personally, I much preferred the simplicity of the white background.  I could’ve also done without the scenes where the Playmates bring their boyfriends along to workout with them.  (“Exercise is rapidly becoming a co-ed affair!”)

For variety, there are sequences set in the backyard of the Playboy Mansion.  Playmates workout on exercise bikes and rowing machines, before hopping into Hef’s pool for some water exercises as well as a little recreational swimming.  Naturally, the slow-motion scenes of the Playmates jumping up and down on trampolines in slow motion is the highlight.  

Most of the time, the music accompanying the aerobics sessions are generic ‘80s instrumentals.  However, sometimes segments are accompanied by pop music like Paul Davis’s “I Go Crazy”, Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” and “Get Down on It”, Shalamar’s “Night to Remember”, Kenny Nolan’s “Soft Rock, Hard Love”, Frankie Valli’s “My Eyes Adored You”, and The Chordettes’ “Mr. Sandman”.

As one can expect, there is very little here in the way of aerobic instruction.  There's more slow motion and long gazing shots of the women’s bodies than your typical workout video.  I mean, what did you expect?  This is Playboy after all.  Of course half the workouts are going to be shot like a video pictorial from the Playboy Channel!  If you want actual instruction, go watch that Jane Fonda crap!  

In an age where hardcore pornography is just a click away, all of this seems a little tame and innocent.  If you’re like me and enjoyed those nights back in the ‘80s when the Playboy Channel had their “Free Previews”, you should enjoy Playmate Workout.  If it fails at being a comprehensive workout, or comes up short as erotica, it certainly hits the right notes in the nostalgia department.  

AKA:  Playboy Playmate Workout.

PRISONERS OF THE GHOSTLAND (2021) **

In order to entice viewers, studios often put blurbs from critics on the movie poster.  Prisoners of the Ghostland might have the first poster in history that features a blurb from its star.  In this case, it’s Nicolas Cage who proclaims, “The Wildest Movie I’ve Ever Made!” at the bottom of the artwork.  If that doesn’t make you want to see it, nothing will.

Unfortunately, I’m not quite sure I agree with that bold statement.  Sure, there are moments of weirdness that stand out.  It’s just that the flick never really cuts loose and gets crazy enough to live up to Cage’s proclamation.    

Cage stars as a bank robber who is tasked with finding the daughter (Sofia Boutella from The Mummy) of Bill Moseley.  He is outfitted with a suit that is rigged with various bombs, so if he fails to complete his mission and/or gets other ideas, it will detonate and leave Cage without vital parts of his anatomy.  Once he’s suited up, he ventures into the post-apocalyptic wasteland to find her.

Prisoners of the Ghostland is weird, sure, but a lot of it feels like a bunch of weirdness for weirdness’ sake.  Like when Cage is about to leave on his mission and the town stands around and sings a nursery rhyme in unison… because… it’s weird.  Don’t confuse weirdness for originality as much of the film feels like recycled elements from other movies.  There are bits from post-apocalyptic actioners, Spaghetti Westerns, samurai dramas, and even other Cage flicks (like Drive Angry).  However, it never quite feels like a cohesive vision; just parts from other genre pictures that have been slapped together with Krazy Glue.  

Moseley is a lot of fun as the villain.  I’m not sure why it took so long for he and Cage to cross paths in a movie, but he pretty much steals the show as his character is basically a mashup of Colonel Sanders, Boss Hogg, and Foghorn Leghorn.  

Cage’s performance is a disappointing mixed bag.  For much of the running time, he is in Somber Cage Mode, but occasionally (like the movie itself), he hints at something more interesting lurking in the shadows.  Sometimes, he will slide into random outbursts of Cage Rage.  Take for instance, his line reading of the word, “Testicle”.  Only Cage could’ve come up with that.  On the downside, Cage has made so many of these offbeat movies now that he is starting to repeat himself.  Whenever he breaks out his Kung Fu moves in this flick, there’s a hint of Elvis in his posture and facial movements (like Honeymoon in Vegas).  During one such scene, he even blurts out his catchphrase from Deadfall, “Hi-Fuckin’-Ya!”  On one hand, it’s sorta funny for him to do a callback to one of his most famous performances.  On the other, it just sorta reveals that there isn’t a whole lot up his sleeve this time around.  (Aside from the detonator that is.)

Prisoners of the Ghostland is not without its moments.  There just isn’t enough of them to make it worthwhile.  It particularly goes off the rails as it enters the third act.  Not that a movie like this one had a firm grasp of the rails to begin with.

BLOOD SALVAGE (1990) *

Say you’re boxer Evander Holyfield and you’re months away from fighting Buster Douglas for the heavyweight championship of the world. How do you prepare for the fight of your life?  By producing and making a cameo in a shitty low budget horror flick, of course. 

Wheelchair bound teenage beauty queen April (Lori Birdsong) goes up and down the south with her family in their RV participating in beauty pageants. She catches the eye of a seemingly harmless looking tow truck driver named Jake (Danny Nelson) who helps the family when their RV breaks down. Little do they know he’s also in the spare parts business. And we’re not talking auto parts. We’re talking body parts as he keeps half dead people locked in his shed and sells off their organs on the black market to a seedy doctor (Ray Walston). 

Blood Salvage is a turgid mix of Texas Chainsaw Massacre (killer redneck family), Eaten Alive (the family keeps a gator on the premises), and Motel Hell (the half dead victims wailing). If it was just crude and dumb it would be one thing but the constant scenes of a paraplegic in peril are often tasteless and the scene where the killers suck out a little boy’s spinal fluid is borderline reprehensible. Even more offensive is the fact that it clocks in at a whopping ninety-eight minutes, which is about twenty minutes longer than it had any right being. 

If you’re curious to see it just for the participation of Holyfield, you might be disappointed. He’s only in one scene near the beginning as a carnie boxer. It has no bearing on the story whatsoever and his appearance was probably little more than a perk for being a producer. John Saxon also appears as the beauty queen’s father but he’s more or less wasted and gets sidelined for much of the movie once he gets captured. Walston looks like he’d rather be someplace else. Despite the progressive notion of having its main character be a handicapped beauty queen, our heroine is more annoying than sympathetic as her constant whining quickly becomes grating.  

In short, Blood Salvage belongs on the scrap pile.

CYBER VENGEANCE (1995) * ½

Will (J. Gregory Smith) is a guard/computer programmer in a virtual reality prison where inmates are kept in a state of perpetual virtual historical warfare.  When the sleazy warden (Robert Davi) finds out he’s befriending the prisoners, he puts Will into the virtual reality simulator.  He then pits Will in virtual combat against a bunch of rich fat cats who pay big money to hunt the prisoners in virtual reality.  

The early scenes are the best.  The opening sequence where Will is working the bugs out of a virtual reality fighting game held a lot of promise.  Not only does it feature Debbie Rochon as the video game princess; we also have Matthias Hues as “Thor”, the video game villain.  Shortly thereafter, there’s a great moment where Will is having sex with a big-boobed bimbo and his wife walks in to find him humping the couch while wearing his VR helmet.  Sadly, it’s all downhill from there.  

The rest of the film is a slow moving, dreary, bore.  It haphazardly hops around from genre to genre, which makes it hard to get your bearings.  Parts are like Tron, Lawnmower Man, The Most Dangerous Game, and Mortal Kombat.  None of it ever really gels.  

The early VR scenes are a heck of a lot more fun than all the historical battles and fights.  The virtual warfare scenes take place during Vietnam, the Civil War, and the Revolutionary War, among others.  (The Prohibition and western scenes are particularly draggy.)  The lurching back and forth between time periods gets monotonous almost instantly.  It often feels like the filmmakers just had a bunch of leftover props, costumes, and sets from other movies and tried to write a feature around what was available.  Either that, or it was one of those deals where they filmed a television series where each time period made up an entire episode.  Then, they realized they couldn’t sell it, and re-edited it into a feature.  That would go a long way to explaining the completely unsatisfying cliffhanger ending.  

Davi returned for the sequel, Absolute Aggression the following year.  That flick might explain what the heck happened after the abrupt ending of this one.  I’m not exactly itching to find out though.  

AKA:  Nexxus.  AKA:  Virtual Hell.  

GNAW: FOOD OF THE GODS 2 (1989) *** ½

A cancer research center is constantly pestered by college students who protest the fact they conduct tests on animals.  When the protestors break into the facility, they accidentally unleash some lab rats that ate a bunch of experimental growth hormone.  Pretty soon, there’s a bunch of giant rats on the loose and only scientist Paul (Chopping Mall) Coufos can stop them.  

I don’t know why they waited thirteen years to make a sequel to Bert I. Gordon’s The Food of the Gods, but I’m kind of glad they did.  Directed by Damien (Abraxus, Guardian of the Universe) Lee, Gnaw:  Food of the Gods 2 is the kind of bad movie I enjoy.  It’s certainly a lot more fun than the original.  While the first one had a big-name cast fighting giant chickens, worms, and rats, this one has a bunch of Canadians fighting giant rats.  (A scientist does wear a chicken pin on his lab coat, which I think is a nod to the original.)  

Oh, and there’s a subplot about a giant toddler too.  (Three years before Honey, I Blew Up the Kid.)  The effect for the (big) little boy is just as bad as something Gordon would’ve done.  You’ve got to love the fact that even though this movie came out thirteen years after the original, they were still using the same (if not worse) effects.  

As dumb as a lot of this is, I have to admit it is dumb fun as there is some hilarious stuff here.  I especially loved the scene of the hero scientist working in his lab that is scored and edited like a Rocky training montage.  I also got a kick out of the exterminator who looks and acts like Clint Eastwood whose preferred method of killing rats is a flamethrower.  Then there’s the insane part where a scientist cuts his finger on a slide containing the growth formula mixed with cancer cells and he turns into a giant, pulsating, dripping tumor man!  My favorite moment though was when Coufos is having a hot sex dream and then he starts growing to absurd size during sex!  Who needs Viagra when you got that experimental growth formula!  

More stupid, but irresistible shit:  The trusty Jaws subplot that rears its head in the final act.  (Maybe they just should’ve called it Gnaws?)  Even though there are giant rats on the loose, the dean refuses to close the campus because the synchronized swimming competition must go on as scheduled!  I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried, but I’m glad screenwriter Mike Werb (who would go on to write Darkman 3:  Die, Darkman!  Die! and Face/Off) did.

You’ve got to hand it to Lee.  He knows how to stage a giant rat attack.  Rats bite hands, maul faces, chomp on necks, and tear off arms.  In one scene, a guy gets attacked by a rat while taking a piss.  It all ends with a cliffhanger that unfortunately never got paid off.  I for one would’ve loved to have seen Chomp:  Food of the Gods 3.  Heck, I would’ve even settled for Nibble:  Food of the Gods 3.

AKA:  Food of the Gods 2.

THE NASTY RABBIT (1964) NO STARS

The actual on-screen title is Nasty Rabbit:  Spies-a-Go-Go:  AKA:  The Nasty Rabbit.  Man, you know you’re in trouble when the title can’t even make up its damn mind.  

I’m a bigger Arch Hall, Jr. fan than most.  I enjoyed Eegah.  I think The Choppers is better than most give it credit for.  I also thought his performance in James Landis’ The Sadist was particularly good.  Well, Landis must’ve forgotten everything about filmmaking by the time he made this.  I have to say The Nasty Rabbit is one of THE worst movies ever made.  It makes Wild Guitar look like Jailhouse Rock.  Co-written by Arch Hall, Sr., it is an inane and painfully unfunny spy comedy.  

Russia plans to wipe out the U.S. by unleashing biological warfare using a white rabbit.  A Russian agent (Michael Terr) poses as a cowboy and heads to a dude ranch.  Meanwhile, rock n’ roller Hall arrives on the scene as the ranch’s scheduled entertainment.  Actually, he’s working undercover with the American government to stop the Russian’s idiotic plot.  A sexy double agent (gangster moll turned Z-movie actress Liz Renay) also shows up to complicate matters.  

I can usually sit through a bad horror movie just for the cheesy acting.  I can usually sit through a bad sci-fi flick thanks to the horrible effects.  Sitting through a comedy that has nary a laugh is a horse of a different color.  The Nasty Rabbit is a hodgepodge of lame gags, idiotic sound effects, cutaways to animal reaction shots, unfunny stereotypes, and comic rodeo footage.  Oh, and did I mention the rabbit TALKS?!?

I guess it goes without saying that Arch is the best part of the movie.  The only problem?  He’s barely in it!  He’s set up to be the hero, but most of the time is devoted to the various spies doing awful shtick, acting imbecilic, and generally making you want to pull your hair out from its roots.  Heck, Arch’s song is kind of terrible (which is saying something), but at least when he’s on stage singing, that means no comic relief putz with a thick Russian accent isn’t doing a pratfall or running around in fast motion.

The only semi-clever moment is when a cowboy spy uses a spy phone located in his saddle.  Hall’s Eegah co-star, Richard Kiel also shows up as a tall cowboy.  The joke of course being that he’s a cowboy… who’s tall.  

I’m a self-professed bad movie lover.  The Nasty Rabbit is so bad that it made me rethink my life choices.  It’s the worst of the worst.  

AKA:  Spies-a-Go-Go.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: NEXT OF KIN (2021) *

Filmmaker Margot (Emily Bader) was abandoned as a baby.  Desperate to find her birth family, she decides to make a documentary of her journey.  After scouring the internet, she eventually learns she’s of Amish heritage and goes to spend some time on her family’s farm.  Margot gets permission from the sect to film the documentary and before long, she realizes something paranormal is afoot.  (The fact that she found an Amish family on 23andMe should’ve been a major red flag.)

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of the Paranormal Activity series, or of the Found Footage subgenre in general.  However, Next of Kin feels much too polished to belong in the franchise.  I know we have come a long way with technology in the years since the series began.  I know GoPro cameras and iPhones can give you a much better picture than the home video cameras of old.  It’s just that there are some stretches where it comes dangerously close to feeling like a “real” movie.  

Sure, there are the requisite shaky-cam and night vision sequences (the scene where Margot is being lowered into a deep cavern is especially nauseating), but some sequences betray the Found Footage format.  Take for instance the dinner scene where the Amish family rhythmically pounds their fists on the dinner table.  There must be ten or twelve cuts to various family members thumping their fists.  Did the camera crew have time to edit the footage before it was “found”?  

The looser-than-loose continuity makes it feel more like a one-off with the Paranormal Activity name attached than an honest-to-goodness continuation.  The finale, with its Gollum-like creature feels closer in tone to The Descent than anything in the previous movies.  There are also some visual cues from The Blair Witch Project too, which is kind of weird.  It’s like they forgot which franchise they were making a sequel to.  We do get one memorable bit involving a potato peeler, but for the most part, Next of Kin offers next to no entertainment.  

For my thoughts on the rest of the Paranormal Activity franchise, pick up a copy of my book, The Bloody Book of Horror on Amazon today:  The Bloody Book of Horror: Lovell, Mitch: 9781542566629: Amazon.com: Books

PIG (2021) ****

Pig is basically Taken, but with a pig, and starring Nicolas Cage.  That premise sounds like a joke on The Simpsons.  Considering the last couple of Nicolas Cage movies, it could’ve been a ninety-minute meme.  However, despite (or perhaps, because of) the oddball plot, Pig is a captivating and at times, moving drama.  

Cage stars as a hermit who lives alone in the woods with his pet pig.  His pig is not only his pet, but his business partner as its truffle-hunting skills helps keep the lights on.  One night, burglars break in and steal Cage’s pig.  He then makes his way to the seedy underbelly of Portland to get his pig back.  

Sometimes, it’s the notes you don’t hit that matter.  In Cage’s last flick, Willy’s Wonderland, he didn’t hit any notes at all.  Here, even though he is firmly in Somber Cage Mode, Nic’s brooding performance is almost mesmerizing.  He doesn’t say much, but when he does, it’s meaningful and has a lot of weight.  

Naturally, none of this would really matter if we didn’t believe the sacred bond Cage has with his pig.  The short, but memorable sequences of man and beast working and living together hit the right balance between heartfelt and offbeat.  Cage and the pig are so wonderful together than when the bad men came under the cover of darkness and kidnapped the pig, it really struck a chord.  When the pig let out a woeful, anguished cry, well… Dear Reader, I must admit, it put a lump in my throat.  From then on, I was right there with Cage on his quest for revenge.

And you know, for such a quiet, melancholic, and deliberate movie, it sure moves at a lightning pace.  First-time feature director Michael Sarnoski keeps things moving right along, all the while peppering the film with small, but memorable set pieces.  Highlights include a bizarre underground fight club that pits waiters against homeless people, and an interrogation of a chef that feels like something out of a Coen Brothers movie.  Then there’s the ending, which I won’t spoil.  Most revenge pictures end with a big action sequence.  This one ends in truly unique fashion.  

The glue that holds it all together, of course, is Cage.  Very few actors could lean into such an unlikely premise and have the audience walk away genuinely moved.  This is one of the best performances you’ll see all year, and this is one of the best films of the year.

DON’T LOOK UP (2021) *** ½

The reviews for Don’t Look Up have been all over the place.  Some love it.  Some hate it.  That kind of divisiveness is appropriate, seeing how it is about a divisive subject:  The truth.  

Scientists Jennifer Lawrence and Leonardo DiCaprio discover that a comet will hit Earth in six months, obliterating all life on the planet.  Naturally, no one believes them.  It takes the President (Meryl Streep) to be rocked by a sex scandal before she will even set a plan into motion, if only to pivot away from the fact that she got caught sexting.  Even then, surefire plans to stop the comet from smashing into Earth are thwarted, if only because a billionaire media mogul (Mark Rylance) has found a way to make everybody money from mining the comet for precious minerals.  

The fun of Don’t Look Up is the feeling that the end of the world could very well happen just the way it plays out in the movie.  Sure, we would hope for an Armageddon, or even a Deep Impact type of scenario, but the truth is, nothing would probably get done until the tech giants and D.C. fat cats got every last dime they could out of the situation.  Also, the vital information on the comet would only be syphoned out to the public if and when the news cycle permitted.  (And if it happens on a news day when Ariana Grande announces her engagement, forget it.)  

With Don’t Look Up, writer/director Adam McKay is able to have his cake and eat it too.  He is able to deftly go from absurd (but plausible) political commentary to quiet, human moments.  Yes, many of the major players are aloof goofballs.  However, the way things are going in America, the White House’s handling of the situation is probably spot on.  At one point, Lawrence tells some youthful protestors, “They’re not even smart enough to be as evil as you give them credit for.”

The performances help sell the reality and absurdity of the situation.  DiCaprio is great as the anxiety-ridden scientist who slowly learns to play the media game.  Lawrence is fun as his outspoken partner who is never once rewarded for telling the truth.  Streep is essentially playing an amalgam of Trump and Hillary and it’s just as nightmarish as it sounds.  It’s Jonah Hill though who steals the movie as Streep’s son, who also happens to be the White House’s Press Secretary who is basically a mashup of all the Trump kids rolled up into one.  

While the film is probably a little too long and some of the plot threads and character arcs kind of get lost in the shuffle (like Timothy Chalamet’s evangelical skater punk), it works better than it probably should.  Like I said, it’s a movie about the truth.  No matter how loud you shout it, there are always idiots who don’t want to hear it.  You could substitute the comet for any sort of problem, say… I dunno… global warming or COVID-19.  You remember how everyone sat down and worked together to solve those problems?  Sure, you don’t.  That’s basically how the grown-ups in the room handle the comet in this flick.  That is to say, we’re fucked.

FREAKY (2020) *** ½

You can tell the filmmakers really wanted to make Freaky Friday the 13th, a mashup of Freaky Friday and Friday the 13th.  The fact that Freaky Friday is owned by Disney and Friday the 13th is owned by Paramount (not to mention the fact it was made at Universal) probably prevented an official crossover from taking place.  That didn’t stop them from making the movie though, as they tweaked things just enough to avoid a lawsuit (or two).

“The Blissfield Butcher” (Vince Vaughn) is a serial killer who wears a wooden mask that is shaped very similarly to Jason’s.  Every Homecoming, he murders high school students in a small town.  When he stabs the Final Girl, Millie (Kathryn Newton) with a magic knife, they swap bodies.  Since the killer is in the body of a beautiful high school girl, she pretty much has free reign to go around and kill.  It’s then up to the Butcher to convince Millie’s friends it’s really her in his body before more people wind up dead.

The opening scene has a very cool Friday the 13th vibe and features some world-class kills that involve a bottle of wine, a toilet seat, and a tennis racket.  It would’ve been interesting to see how this would’ve played out if it was a legit Jason movie.  I mean the Friday the 13th series has already ripped off Frankenstein, Carrie, The Hidden, Evil Dead, and Alien, so ripping off Freaky Friday isn’t too much of a stretch.

However, if this was an official sequel, we would’ve been swindled out of a great performance by Vince Vaughn.  He’s intimidating as the killer, but once he becomes host to Newton’s character, he is a real treat to watch.  He resists the temptation to playing a caricature and exudes an air of femineity that is just pitch perfect.  Likewise, Newton is a lot of fun as the hulking killer trapped in a teenage girl’s body.  Her body language and facial expressions while having to put up with her annoying classmates and teachers are priceless.  I can’t quite say it’s as good as Travolta or Cage playing each other in Face/Off, but it’s definitely up there. 

Some touches will make you scratch your head.  Like why does the school have a cryogenic freezer in the girls’ locker room?  The answer of course, is that if there wasn’t a cryogenic freezer in the girls’ locker room, then they couldn’t have done a homage to Jason X, that’s why.  While the film is a lot of fun, at one-hundred-and-two minutes, it’s a little on the long side and probably has one climax too many.  These are really minor quibbles in the long run, especially seeing how Freaky adheres to the Video Vacuum’s #1 Horror Movie Rule:  If you’ve got to cut someone in half, cut them in half LENGTHWISE.

SCREAM (2022) ** ½

After an eleven-year absence, the serial killer Ghostface returns to the small town of Woodsboro to carve up more teenagers who are obsessed with horror movies.  Since these kids have been weaned on “elevated horror”, Ghostface has to quiz them on good old slasher flicks before he moves in for the kill.  Naturally, it’s only a matter of time before the original Woodsboro Final Girl, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) arrives on the scene to put an end to Ghostface’s reign of terror.

Scream is the fifth entry in the long-running Scream franchise.  If you’re wondering why they waited eleven years to make a sequel after the subpar fourth film, or even better, why they bothered to make another one in the first place, don’t worry.  Like The Matrix Resurrections, this Scream is a rebuke to toxic fandom.  Also, like The Matrix Resurrections, a lot of time is spent on characters gratuitously explaining to other characters important plot details and/or spoon-feeding the explanation to the audience as a way to show the filmmakers’ distain for fanboys who didn’t like the way the sequels to their beloved franchise came out.   And like The Matrix Resurrections, all of this is done in a very meta sort of way that is kind of charming.  

As the other films in the series skewered horror movies, sequels, and remakes, this Scream is a riff on the legacy sequel.  You know, like Halloween (2018) or The Force Awakens, where the original characters you knew and loved take a backseat to new characters you never quite warm up to.  I guess it goes without saying that the scenes involving Neve Campbell, Courteney Cox, and David Arquette are a lot more involving and (dare I say) emotional than the shit with the new cast members.  I’m not saying the fresh meat is bad or anything.  They are certainly more tolerable than the young cast from Part 4.  However, the pacing drags considerably whenever the new leads are at the forefront.  

The good news is, new directors Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett (Ready or Not) can talk the talk.  The scenes where the characters spout off the new rules for the “re-quel” are a lot of fun.  They certainly have a lot to say about the new “elevated horror” trend as well as the legacy sequels they are poking fun at.  When it comes to walking the walk… well… you can’t top the master, Wes Craven.  The stalking scenes, while bloodier and a bit more graphic than the previous films, lack the flair Craven brought to the series.  They do a fine job setting the scene with the requisite opening slasher sequence (that at least has one notable twist) as well as deliver a fairly decent, if a bit talky finale (although this is a Scream movie, so what did you expect?).  I just wish the stalking sequences in the second act were as good.  

The big stumbling block is keeping the so-called “legacy” characters on the sideline for much of the movie.  Like the new Star Wars trilogy, the original trio of characters don’t get a whole lot of screen time, and even then, they aren’t exactly utilized all that well.  The best thing I can say is that when they were on screen, whether it was nostalgia or goodwill talking, it was truly great to see them.  I just wish they were there to drive the story and not serve it.  And while I will keep away from spoiler territory, there was at least one legacy cast member that I didn’t expect to see at all, and when they showed up, I kind of half-cheered, even if their appearance(s) were a bit goofy.  

So, for a decade late “legacy sequel”, you can do a lot worse than Scream.  Few franchises get a fifth entry that actually feels like a worthy continuation.  Even if it’s not exactly the Scream I was hoping for, it’s a solid, if unspectacular slasher, and frankly, the world needs more of those.

GORGON VIDEO MAGAZINE VOL. 2 (1990) ***

Michael Berryman is your host for the second (and sadly, final) volume of Gorgon Video’s compilation tapes.  It’s a shame the series never continued because over thirty years later, they make for an interesting time capsule for horror fans.  Heck, this never even got an official release, so I guess we should be thankful for what we got.

Stuart Gordon is the subject of the first segment.  He fondly reminisces about working at Empire Pictures and talks about his troubles with the ratings board.  They show the infamous “head” scene from Re-Animator, highlights from Dolls and Robot Jox, and a clip from one of the short films he made when he was a kid.  He also talks about his next film, The Pit and the Pendulum, which he says will star Peter O’Toole and Billy Dee Williams.  Sadly, those guys wound up not starring in the movie, but it’s fun to imagine how that would’ve played out if it came to fruition.

The next segment is on magicians/comedians Penn and Teller who introduce clips from their upcoming film, Penn and Teller Get Killed.  (Directed by Arthur Penn!)  The highlight is when they show you how they did their particularly gruesome trick on Comic Relief.  We then move onto a brief segment on Halloween.  A short clip of the original is shown and Halloween 5:  The Revenge of Michael Myers director Dominique Othenin-Girard is briefly interviewed.  (“We are dealing with the youth of TODAY!”)

Special effects god, Screaming Mad George is up next.  He takes us on a tour of his make-up shop, shows off some of his paintings, and talks about his influences.  Highlights from his amazing work in Curse 2:  The Bite and some footage from one of his musical performances are also shown.  

The next segment features a “Gore-Met” who tells you how to make your own stage blood.  His formula is pretty standard, and he’s kind of annoying.  I would’ve much rather seen how Screaming Mad George does it.

Paragon Arts is the subject of the next sequence.  They show clips from their films Witchboard, Night of the Demons, and their latest production, Night Angel (which was directed by Othenin-Girard, who also shows up again).  This is followed by a short bit about Zap Comix.  It feels a little out of place, but it’s worth it just for the brief interview with R. Crumb.  Most of the time is spent on S. Clay Wilson though

Like the first volume, there’s another review corner segment.  He reviews Deadly Obsession, Return of the Living Dead, Deranged, and Suspiria.  Then, the Gore-Met returns for another blood recipe before Brian Yuzna shows up to take Gorgon on tour of the set of The Bride of Re-Animator.  David Gale and a very tired looking Jeffrey Combs are interviewed, Screaming Mad George is glimpsed working on effects, and Johnny Legend appears briefly.

Things start winding down during the long sequence of a necking couple at a drive-in.  They make lame jokes and watch clips from Horror Hotel and The Devil’s Partner.  Then there’s a short film showcase, and the tape concludes with a trailer for Puppet Master. 

This volume is fun for a while.  However, it runs out of steam once it starts veering away from the interview subjects.  It would’ve made for a good hour-long video, but at nearly ninety minutes, it ultimately goes on way too long.  Still, it’s worth watching for the segments on Gordon, George, and Yuzna. 

KEKKO KAMEN RETURNS (2004) ** ½

I’ve never been much of an anime guy.  However, the one naked cartoon I did have time for was Kekko Kamen, the superheroine who hides her face behind a mask, but shows her body for all to see when she fights crime.  (Sample lyrics from the theme song:  “No one knows her name, but everyone knows her body!”)  If you’re sick and tired of the recent glut of superhero movies, Kekko Kamen Returns, a live-action version of the cartoon just might be the tonic you’ve been looking for.  

The plot revolves around a girls’ swim team.  The head of an evil corporation worms his way into coaching the team so he can perv on the girls.  When he finds out one of the girls can’t swim, he puts her through a series of tortures.  Whenever things look bad for the girls, the nude crimefighter Kekko Kamen springs into action.  Wearing her trademark red mask and nothing else, and wielding her trusty nunchucks, Kekko kicks some serious ass.  

This looks like it had a lower budget than your average porno.  That’s part of the charm though.  While it’s way too uneven to be considered a classic or anything, there are some genuinely bizarre touches that demand respect.  Take for instance the use of flashbacks, which are shown in the form of a finger puppet show.  Or the fact that the villain’s sidekick wears a frog costume… just because.

I guess it goes without saying that the stuff that doesn’t hinge on nude crimefighting pales in comparison.  The long scenes of girls in bathing suits doing calisthenics and swimming are an OK substitute, but even then, the film has a tendency to repeat itself.  Even with a relatively scant running time of seventy minutes, there’s still a lot of padding here.  The subplot about the ghost that haunts the pool is especially befuddling.  

However, for fans of nude fight scenes, Kekko Kamen Returns is hard to beat.  (Even if they unfortunately obscure her nether regions.)  While some of the nude action sequences are a long time coming, they are often worth the wait.  In one scene, Kekko hypnotizes a goon by shooting light out of her pussy before knocking him out with her nunchucks.  The best part happens during the finale when she suffocates the bad guy with her vagina, a move that is appropriately called, “Muffication”!

I’d like to see one of the Eternals try to do that.

AKA:  Kekko Kamen 2.

ETERNALS (2021) * ½

Man, if you told me like twenty years ago, two world-class foxes like Salma Hayek and Angelina Jolie were going to be in a superhero movie, I would’ve been like, “Sign me up!”  Unfortunately, instead of giving them a property that would've been fun and entertaining, like Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, they get stuck starring in this boring, joyless slog.  

The Eternals are like gods from outer space who were sent to Earth thousands of years ago to oversee man’s evolution.  The only time they are allowed to interfere with his progress is when reject monsters from a SYFY Channel Original come out of the sea and wreak havoc.  Then, they can do superhero shit.  Flashforward to the present where the group has gone their separate ways.  After thousands of years, the SYFY monsters have returned, and they have to get the band back together to fight some more CGI beasties.  

Eternals is a rare misstep for Marvel.  It feels like their attempt to do a DC movie.  That would be fine if the Marvel brand of humor and spectacle still applied.  However, this is one of the dreariest, self-important superhero flicks I have sat through in some time.  

It doesn’t help that the characters have zero personality and derivative powers.  There’s a guy who can fly and shoot lasers out of their eyes (like Superman), one gal can run real fast (like The Flash), Salma can heal herself (like Wolverine), and Angie is basically a warrior woman (like Wonder Woman).  Then, there are some team members who are truly Mystery Men-worthy.  One gal turns objects into… rose petals?!?  At least that’s different.  Stupid, but different.  One dude… builds… things?  Another guy’s big thing is filming everything with a camera everywhere he goes.  What is this, the ‘90s?  At least spring for an iPhone.  

Between the shoddy monster fights, we are treated to massive exposition dumps and flashbacks to ancient times that are supposed to I guess fill in the backstory, but all it does is make the narrative even more jumbled.  I know there was a lot of hype about the so-called superhero sex scene.  However, it is completely underwhelming and lasts only a few seconds.  I guess the point they were trying to make is that superhuman sex is just like… regular sex?  Or something.  I don’t know.  For all the talk, it’s not a patch on the superhero sex scene in Watchmen.  Now THERE was a superhero sex scene!

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Eternals:  * ½ 

CHERRY HILL HIGH (1977) ** ½

Five high school girls go on a two-week long bicycling trip the summer before going away to college.  While camping, they learn that they are all virgins and soon set out to pop their cherries.  To make things interesting, they hold a contest to see who can lose their virginity in the most original way.  To their surprise, their seemingly square chaperone (Linda McInerney) helps them on their quest to get laid.  

One girl hooks up with a shark wrestler who makes a lot of terrible shark puns before they do it in a shark tank.  Another picks up a motorcyclist wearing a helmet that winds up being Mary (Abigail Lesley is Back in Town) Mendum.  Later, she gives it a shot with a real man when she gives head to a race car driver during a race on a figure 8 track.  The French girl gets deflowered by a “ghost” in a haunted house (in a coffin, no less).  The teacher even gets in on the action by seducing the owner of a vineyard and balling in a vat of grapes.  (Lucy, eat your heart out!)  There’s also an odd scene involving a guy in a chicken costume at a Let’s Make a Deal-style game show.  The highlight though is when a girl gets it on with an “alien”.    

You have to deal with a lot of lame comedy and nature scenes in the beginning but stick with it.  It gets better as it goes along.  Whenever things threaten to get slow, there’s a topless swimming scene, a topless water fight, and/or plenty of softcore sex to keep your attention from waning.  

Overall, there are some good moments, just not enough to push it over the top.  I liked that all the girls stand around and watch their friends deflowered and give them ratings as if it was a swim meet.  However, many of the scenes are too dark, but that was probably the fault of the print I saw.  The dubbing is also so bad in the outdoor scenes that you’d swear it was one of those ‘70s German sex comedies.  While Cherry Hill High is repetitive (the recap of all the girls’ conquests at the end wasn’t necessary) and slight, it’s still fairly amusing and has just enough skin to make it semi-recommended.  

Director Alex E. Goitein was also responsible for the inane Cheerleaders Beach Party.  

KRONOS (1957) ***

Scientist Jeff (This Island Earth) Morrow tracks what he believes to be an asteroid falling to Earth.  It lands down in Mexico and he and his colleagues go and check it out.  Eventually, a giant box-shaped robot emerges from the sea, and it begins to blaze a path towards Los Angeles.  Along the way, it destroys power plants, gaining energy and strength, and it’s up to Morrow to stop it before it reaches our nuclear stockpiles.  

Morrow makes for an ideal lead, playing yet another variation on his usual upstanding scientist role.  Barbara Lawrence is a nice match for him as the love interest/scientist who keeps trying (and failing) to get Morrow to forget all that science jazz and take her to the movies.  John Emery is also strong as his colleague who comes under control of the alien visitor.  The scene where it hops from body to body and controls the human it resides in for its own sinister purposes probably inspired The Hidden.  Instead of a slimy monster that slithers from mouth to mouth, the special effect is nothing more than a light shining on the actors’ faces.  (Although when it dies, a bunch of liquid shoots out of Emery’s mouth, which is pretty cool.)

Speaking of low-key special effects, the robot is a bit of a letdown as it looks like a performance art version of a water cooler.  While its design leaves something to be desired, the havoc he causes is pretty sweet.  I especially liked the scenes where the robot stomps on civilians with its cylindrical legs.    

Directed by Kurt (The Fly) Neumann, Kronos is a fun mix of ‘50s Sci-Fi and giant monster movie.  It runs a tight seventy-eight minutes, and Neumann keeps things going at a steady clip.  While it never quite kicks into fourth gear, it is consistently entertaining, and fans of the genre should heartily enjoy it.    

AKA:  Kronos:  Ravager of Planets.  AKA:  Kronos, Destroyer of the Universe.

MODEL HUNGER (2016) ***

Debbie Rochon, horror’s most prolific Scream Queen, has appeared in over two-hundred-and-fifty movies.  Model Hunger marks the first time Debbie has stepped behind the camera.  Having sat on over two-hundred-and-fifty movie sets, she must’ve thought, “Hey, if they can do it, so can I!”  As it turns out she can do it just as good, if not better than her male directors.

Lynn (Cat People) Lowry stars as Ginny, a seemingly kindly old lady who likes to kidnap, kill, and eat people.  A former model, Ginny was forced out of the business when her age, weight, and looks became unsuitable to the men in charge. (I still think she looks hot though.)  Debbie (Tiffany Shepis) is Ginny’s new nosy neighbor who eventually catches onto her mischief.  

Model Hunger is exactly the kind of movie you’d think Debbie Rochon would make.  That is, it’s exactly the kind of movie she would star in.  It’s a low budget horror flick with gore and a sense of fun.  While the film looks from the outset to be just like your typical DTV horror show, Rochon (who also has a cameo) does imbue it with a couple of clever touches I’m sure her male counterparts would not have thought of.  (The edit to a victim’s curling toes while she is being tortured was an especially nice touch.)  I’m sure the theme of Hollywood’s treatment of actresses probably hit close to home as well.  Debbie’s handling of the squirmy finale is rather deft too.  

Lowry is clearly having a blast.  Imagine if Sissy Spacek played Piper Laurie’s role in Carrie and that kind of gives you an idea of the vibe.  I particularly liked her internal monologues whenever she picked up a prospective victim.  The highlight though is when she dons some sexy lingerie and tortures a dude and shouts stuff, like, “You fuck with our minds so you can fuck with our bodies!”  At nearly seventy, she still looks stunning in her skimpy outfit and can carve up her victims with the best of them.  

Shepis is quite good too.  She gets to display a rainbow of emotions as the grief-stricken neighbor.  It was also fun seeing the Galactic Gigolo himself, Carmine Capobianco as Shepis’ useless husband.  

Any fan of Rochon, Lowry, and Shepis needs to check out Model Hunger.  Aside from a few bits of needless padding (like Shepis’s dream sequences and flashbacks), this is a tightly wound horror thriller.  As someone who has always enjoyed Debbie’s work in front of the camera, I can honestly say I can’t wait to see what she does next behind it.

CHILLERAMA (2011) **

Chillerama was riding on the coattails of Grindhouse.  Instead of getting two movies for the price of one at a grindhouse movie theater, it’s four (short) films playing at a from-dusk-till-dawn drive-in.  Unlike Grindhouse, there isn’t any fake movie trailers in between the features.  Instead, we get wraparound sequences involving the staff at the drive-in.  I didn’t mind the teenage drama with a guy flirting with the hot girl at the concession stand, but the stuff with the necrophiliac janitor was a bit much.  

The first movie is “Wadzilla” (**), directed by Adam (The Dark Backward) Rifkin.  A mild-mannered guy (Rifkin) with a low sperm count takes an experimental drug to increase his semen production.  The drug causes his sperm to grow to enormous size, and it’s up to our hero to stop it before it tries to impregnate the Statue of Liberty (porn star Kelly Divine).

I like Rifkin’s stuff as much as the next guy, but sadly, this one is kind of a letdown.  The premise is ideal for something like this, but the whole thing feels rushed.  It would’ve also helped if it was actually funny.  There are some highlights though.  The scenes of the giant sperm wreaking havoc on the city play out kind of like the discarded ending from the Little Shop of Horrors remake, and I did like seeing Eric Roberts showing up in a cameo as a general.  

Next up is Tim (2001 Maniacs) Sullivan’s “I Was a Teenage Werebear” (* ½).  Confused teenager Ricky (Sean Paul Lockhart) spurns the advances of his girlfriend for the new leather-clad tough guy student, Talon (Anton Troy).  During a wrestling match, Talon bites him on the ass, turning him into a werebear.  Now, Ricky must stop Talon and his other werebears before they turn his class into a hot lunch.

This is an odd spoof of juvenile delinquent movies, werewolf films, and beach party musicals.  The musical stuff is the most cringeworthy element as the songs are all pretty lame and the staging is lackluster.  Speaking of staging, the whole thing takes place at a beach for some reason, even the scenes that are supposed to be set inside a school.  I don’t know if they couldn’t afford to film at a real school or what, but the wonky cardboard sets adds to the overall cheap feel to this one.  

The third “movie” is the hilariously titled, “The Diary of Anne Frankenstein” (***).  Directed by Adam (Hatchet) Green, it actually manages to live up to its title.  While hiding in an attic, Anne Frank (Melinda Cohen) learns that her great-grandfather was actually Dr. Frankenstein.  In his diary are the secrets to create a monster out of dead body parts.  The Nazis storm the attic and Hitler (Joel David Moore) kills Anne, steals the book, and creates his own monster (Kane Hodder).

This sequence manages to find the sweet spot between bad taste, over the top gore, and legitimately funny schtick.  Moore steals the movie as Hitler.  While everyone speaks German throughout the film, he talks in a made-up gobbledygook that just SOUNDS German, and the results are often very funny.  (At one point, he screams, “BOBA FETT” while the subtitle says, “KILL!”)  Kane Hodder also has some good moments as the Jewish monster who uses the menorah and a dreidel to kill Nazis.  

The final flick is Joe (Mayhem) Lynch’s “Zom-B-Movie” (**).  It starts out as a movie called “Deathication” about killer shit before the film breaks.  Then, a zombie horde disrupts the showing.  It seems the zombie janitor jacked off into the popcorn butter and turned everyone in the drive-in into zombies.  It’s then up to a small group of friends to try to survive the night.  

Your enjoyment of the final sequence will probably depend on your tolerance for the wall-to-wall gore and zombie effects.  While I got a laugh out of some of this nonsense (like the zombie breastmilk), it quickly descends into tasteless overkill.  (The zombies constantly jerk off and ejaculate blue jizz.)  I wasn’t really a fan of the Day-Glo zombie make-up either, and the constant references to other movies gets annoying after a while. 

Like most anthology horror films, Chillerama is uneven as they come.  The big problem is that it clocks in at nearly two hours, which is just way too long for something like this.  I think it might’ve worked better with two or even three stories.  Either that, or they should’ve just gone all in on The Diary of Anne Frankenstein and turned it into a full-length feature.  I would’ve bought a ticket for it, that’s for sure.

THE SNOWMAN (2017) **

The way people crapped on this movie when it first came out had me hopeful it was going to be some sort of camp trash classic.  I mean, Michael Fassbender plays a guy named “Harry Hole”.  That right there should’ve been the jumping off point for hilarity.  Unfortunately, nobody ever calls him out for having a goofy name.  What the Hell?

Harry Hole is an alcoholic burnout detective in Oslo.  His latest assignment is to solve a rash of murders.  It seems a serial killer is offing single mothers who all were once treated at an abortion clinic.  Predictably, Harry’s wife (Charlotte Gainsbourg) also becomes a target.  

The serial killing scenes aren’t bad.  Our boy uses an automatic cinching tool to slice off people’s body parts, kind of like in Dario Argento’s Trauma.  He also puts severed heads on snowmen, strews body parts in the snow, and leaves taunting messages to Hole.  He certainly had the potential to be a memorable screen psycho.  Its just that the movie itself is rather inert, murky, and joyless.  The snowcapped setting is picturesque, but director Tomas (Let the Right One In) Alfredson just never really cranks up the suspense enough to make it crackle.  

If The Snowman is worth seeing, it’s for Fassbender’s performance.  Sure, his character is a walking cliché, but he’s pretty great in it.  I liked also like Rebecca Ferguson as his young partner who’s just itching to make a collar.  I just wish they had a better script to work with.  Val Kilmer is also in it for a bit as another detective.  Sadly, his lines had to be dubbed because his throat was ravaged by cancer, and the weird voice they gave him kind of adds to the oddness of his performance.  J.K. Simmons also pops up and is criminally underutilized as a pervy philanthropist/obvious red herring.  

So, The Snowman wasn’t the camp classic I was hoping for.  Nor is it an accomplished serial killer thriller.  As it is, it falls somewhere in the middle.  If it wasn’t for Fassbender’s committed performance (and his character’s hilarious name), it wouldn’t even be memorable.

AMERICAN MADE (2017) ** ½

Tom Cruise stars as Barry Seal, a shady airline pilot who gets hoodwinked by the CIA to fly planes and take spy photos for them.  When they fail to give him a bonus, he takes to running drugs for the cartels to make ends meet.  Naturally, when the CIA needs to put guns in the hands of the Contras, they call on Barry to fly them in.  Pretty soon, Barry is running drugs, guns, AND soldiers.  It’s a pretty sweet set-up, but it can’t last forever, can it?

Directed by Cruise’s Edge of Tomorrow collaborator Doug Liman, American Made is one of those Dark Side of the American Dream movies.  Barry is after all, only trying to provide for his pregnant wife (Sarah Wright).  Why work a dreary job flying planes for the airlines when you can bring home backpacks full of cash at the end of the workday?  Of course, that means you’ll probably wind up being shot at, thrown in jail, or worse, but hey, so what?

American Made is basically Blow with planes.  If you want to see a drama about the rise and fall of a scumbag during the period of ‘80s excess, this is an OK one.  It coasts mostly on Cruise’s considerable charm, but unfortunately, he isn’t given much of a character to work with.  Cruise is never not fun to watch.  It’s just that the amoral character has very little redeeming quality about him.  Cruise’s constant grinning from ear to ear with his trademark Cheshire cat smile can only get the character so far.   

It doesn’t help that the supporting players are even more thinly sketched.  Wright looks great, but she is never given anything more to do than just than to just be “the wife”.  Domhnall Gleeson has some good moments as Seal’s slimy handler, although he’s really just more of the personification of “The Man” than a flesh and blood human.  Caleb Landry Jones is annoying as Seal’s fuck-up brother in-law, who’s mostly just there to complicate the situation.  

Liman hits all the marks you’d expect from a story of ‘80s greed.  However, the film is curiously lacking the emotional connection necessary to make you feel the rush of the highs and lows the characters experience.  Without that connection, it’s just a slick but empty morality play.   

AKA:  Barry Seal:  Only in America. 

BORDER RADIO (1988) **

Chris D. (the lead singer of The Flesh Eaters) stars as a musician named Jeff who gets stiffed out of some money by the promoter of his last gig.  In retaliation, he robs the place with the help of his buddy (John Doe from X), and he splits to Mexico.  As soon as he does this, his manager informs his wife Lu (Luanna Anders) that the band is about to hit the big time.  While waiting for her husband to return, she winds up having an affair with Jeff’s roadie and best friend, Chris (Chris Shearer), which naturally complicates matters.

Border Radio was one of those deals where the filmmakers started off with a short film and expanded to feature length.  It certainly feels that way too because of its herky-jerky nature.  The segments where characters are interviewed and give their answers straight to the camera don’t really add much to the film or give much depth to the characters.  I have a feeling they were only there to pad out the running time.  

Directed by Allison (Gas Food Lodging) Anders, Dean (future cinematographer for Jack Frost 2:  Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman) Lent, and Kurt (Poison Ivy:  The New Seduction) Voss, Border Radio owes a heavy debt to Jim Jarmusch.  It’s in black and white, has a very loose narrative, and the characters are all obsessed with rock n’ roll.  While there are bits and pieces that work here and there, the mosaic approach ultimately yields uneven results.  Some of the performances are solid (especially Doe, who would go on to play a supporting role in Road House the next year), but the languid pacing and overall repetitive nature of the film (there’s a lot of scenes of guys sitting around noodling on their guitar) prevents the viewer from really engaging with the picture.

POPULATION: 2 (2012) **

This should’ve been a slam dunk.  It’s basically The Last Man on Earth, except, you know, with a woman.  I’m a sucker for these post-apocalyptic lone survivor types of dramas, and even though Population:  2’s budget was pretty low, it is not without its moments.  Unfortunately, there’s just too much unnecessary business that gets in the way of the post-nuke survivalism drama.  

Scientists, in an attempt to curb global warming, create a shield to block against the sun’s rays.  It doesn’t go according to plan, and they wind up effectively wiping out the human race.  One sole survivor, Lilith (Suzanne Tufan) manages to save herself from annihilation and forages for supplies to prolong her dreary existence.  

The first sign you are in trouble is during the opening credits sequence.  I mean, the movie is called Population:  2 and there’s at least ten actors’ names in the credits.  That’s because the scenes of our heroine wandering the wasteland are intercut with flashbacks to her former life.  These flashbacks just don’t have the same impact as the stuff with Tufan sifting through the desolation.  The scenes with a pilot who dropped the bomb that killed everybody especially feel like padding, and the same static shots from his cockpit get repetitive in a hurry.  I have to wonder if this maybe started out as a short film and then director Gil Luna added in a bunch of shit with the pilot just to get it up to eighty-two minutes.

The good news is the post-apocalyptic scenes have an occasionally strong moment.  I especially liked the scene where Tufan tells us that she still wears her mask when she goes out in public, just to be safe.  I think we can all relate to that.  However, just when these sequences start to gain a little power, the filmmakers cut back to the past, and the movie loses a lot of momentum.  

AKA:  Apocalypse:  Day One.  AKA:  After Doomsday.  AKA:  The Survivor.  

DELIRIUM (2007) ½ *

You know you’re in trouble from the first few minutes of Delirium.  I know these low budget filmmakers have to pad out their films to get a releasable running time, but even I have my limits.  A jock puts a flyer on a bulletin board (OK, “bulletin board” is being generous.  It’s just a fucking easel.) to find people who want to rideshare for a “Spring Break Roadtrip”.  Then, we get a long painful scene of several students slowly walking up to the easel, reading the flyer, and then tearing off the contact info.  One or two of these shots would’ve sufficed.  Or, if you wanted to show everyone taking the scrap of paper as a way to introduce your characters, you could’ve made it cinematic or visually interesting.  Or you know at the very least, edit it down so it flows.  But no.  They show every single character walk, read, rip, and walk away.  

Anyway, the stereotypical characters finally carpool.  There’s the nerd, the jock, the horny babe, the lesbian, and the token black character.  Luckily, the sound is so bad you can’t hear what they’re saying half the time.  Unluckily, you can hear what they’re saying the other half and it’s just as annoying as you’d expect.  If the endless scenes of the characters yelling, dropping F-bombs, and hurling insults at one another don’t drive you up the goddamn wall, wait till you get to the part where the car breaks down and they all wander around the desert waving their cellphones in the air trying to get a signal.  

After yelling and fighting and launching slurs at everybody, the stranded motorists then decide to walk through the desert where there is even more yelling and fighting and launching of slurs.  As day turns to night, a killer in a black mask and fedora knocks them off one by one.  There’s a little blood, a little gore, and a little T & A, but not nearly enough of it to make this slow-moving slog worthwhile.

It’s obvious the team that made this movie had no money, time, or talent, so I will show restraint and give it ½ * instead of No Stars.  Even then, the kills, when they finally come are rushed.  The killer, who dresses up like The Shadow is OK, I guess, but he doesn’t have much personality.  That said, he’s still by far the most likeable character in the entire flick.