TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 31: BOOTY CAMP 2 (2021) ****

This installment in the Booty Camp subseries of the Lingerie Fighting Championships took place during lockdown, so there are no fans in the building.  Some of these events were sparsely attended in the past, but to see the ladies competing at an empty venue is a little disheartening.  That said, seeing the guts, heart, and determination of the competitors on display, it’s easy to see why the LFC continues to persevere:  These women are a helluva lot of fun to watch.

Our first bout finds Audrey “The Mongoose” Monique squaring off against fan favorite Bella Ink.  Vita Von Starr locks horns with Gemma “Jersey Babe” Giuliana on the next card.  Then it’s Lauren “The Animal” Fogle facing Sarah “The Beast” Brooke.  Next up is Veronica “The VP” Payne vs. Jenny “Bloody” Valentine.  That match is followed by former LFC Champ, Shay “The Fox” Mazzato getting in the ring with newcomer Crystal White.  Then, Daisy “Doomsday” Ducati faces off against Jenevieve “The Sorceress” Hexxx.  Next up is my personal favorite fighter Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx facing Shelby “The Panther” Paris.  The main event sees Salina going against Katie “The Bombshell” Forbes for the vacant Booty Camp Champ title.

The Monique vs. Ink fight is fiery from the get-go as the brawl spills out of the ring and onto the judges’ table.  Bella also uses a unique submission move which I can only describe as the Motorboat Suffocation Technique.  Even after the match is over, the action doesn’t stop as Monique goes after Bella’s coach, leading to some bonus post-fight action.

Nearly as entertaining is the Von Starr and Giuliana brawl, an all-out war of physicality, flexibility, creative maneuvering, and sheer heart.  Fogle/Brooke is a lightning paced affair with both combatants giving their all.  Payne and Valentine’s fight is a fast paced and furious battle that also spills out onto the judges’ table.  From there, things descend into total chaos as fighters go after judges and the judges even turn on each other!  Mazzato has experience and cunning while White has a generous size and strength advantage, which leads to a terrific match-up.  Ducati has a lot of spunk but is no match for Jenevieve Hexxx’s unorthodox ground attacks.  Jolene Hexx once again shows why she’s the best in the business when she forces her green opponent to tap out while locking in the sexiest submission move in the game.  Finally, the main event features all the violence, deceit, and drama of a Shakespeare play… except with like… way more instances of women rubbing their booty in another woman’s face.

Even though they are fighting in an empty arena, the ladies all do a fine job playing to the crowd at home.  Ink looks ravishing as always in her heart-spangled bra and matching panties.  When the action gets too frantic, her bra comes loose revealing heart shaped pasties underneath, which are even more eye-catching.  Von Starr looks fetching in her black fishnet ensemble, and Brooke also impresses with her black strap-heavy outfit.  Valentine is exquisite as well in her black spangly attire, and Hexxx makes a memorable entrance with her pet python draped over her shoulders.  Jolene looks stunning in her sheer black wardrobe, and Forbes turns heads wearing something that makes her look like a dominatrix version of Rainbow Brite.

Now, I’ve watched a lot of these LFC events on Tubi.  I can honestly say Lingerie Fighting Championships 31:  Booty Camp 2 is the best one so far.  Every match is main-event worthy.  Every fight is all killer no filler.  Folks, this is the Citizen Kane of women-in-lingerie-beating-the-crap-out-of-each-other sporting events.  I loved every goddamned second of it.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 30: BORN TO BE WILD (2020) ****

In a rare non-Vegas event, the Lingerie Fighting Championships take their scantily clad women warriors and transplants them to the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.  Unfortunately, since the event took place during the height of COVID, it’s a sparsely attended affair with everyone (for the most part) observing social distancing.  There are no chairs in the audience either, so it’s just a few bikers hanging around the ring.  That means the crowd doesn’t quite have the same energy the previous events had.  Still, kudos to the LFC for pushing through the COVID era and continuing on during a dark time in our nation to eventually become stronger than ever before.

The referee this time out is a fighter herself, Ms. Teri “Feisty Fists” London, who makes a great, sexy entrance looking like a stripper who moonlights as a Foot Locker employee.  Speaking of entrances, the ladies all make their way to the ring on motorcycles, which is something you just can’t do at an ordinary LFC event.  I mean if you’re at Sturgis you’ve got to do things right.

The first match finds Brooke “The Guillotine” Gilley squaring off against Suzy “Stiletto” Quinn.  The second bout is a rematch between Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima and Jenny “Bloody” Valentine, who previously locked horns at LFC 27.  After a brief showcase of the latest crop of up-and-coming LFC talent from the “Booty Camp”, we move on to Lauren “The Animal” Fogle vs. new mother Bella Ink.  This is followed by Nilka “La Rosa” Garcia facing Monica “Flowerbomb” Garcia.  Two of the sexiest titanesses of the ring, Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx and Allie “Baby Doll” Parks go at it in the next match-up, and the main event sees Shay “The Fox” Mazzato going toe to toe with Danika “Dani” Della Rouge for the vacant LFC title.

The starting scramble between two newcomers Gilley and Quinn kicks things off in fine fashion.  The bad blood between Tajima and Valentine spills over into their return bout, which makes for a brutal back and forth battle.  Even though the Fogle/Ink match is relatively short, it features non-stop action and a lot of heart from both competitors.  (I mean Ink had a frigging C-Section three weeks before the fight!)  Garcia-Garcia entertains with former champ Flowerbomb showing her considerable assets.  Hexx/Parks is one of the many highlights with The Valkyrie delivering one of the greatest finishing moves of all time:  A twerk to the face.  Watching this match, I never wanted to be Allie “Baby Doll” Parks more in my entire life.  The main event is nearly as entertaining as both opponents lay into each other with everything they’ve got, leading to a controversial judges’ decision.

Sturgis provides a unique venue for the event, but the spotlight belongs to the fighters.  Quinn looks sexy in her black outfit with silver studs.  Tajima is as fine as ever in a red, white, and blue get-up.  Flowerbomb, sporting blue hair, is as sexy as Hell.  And it was oh so nice to see Hexx, once again strutting her stuff wearing next to nothing.  Not only that, but her lively performance in the ring certainly suggests that like LFC 30, she is in fact, born to be wild.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 29: A HOT MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM (2019) ****

In the proud tradition of Porky’s 2:  The Next Day, Lingerie Fighting Championships 29:  A Hot Midsummer Night’s Dream takes place the day after its predecessor.  Usually, fighting organizations don’t hold major events on back-to-back nights, but that is just one of the many things that makes the LFC stand out from the rest of the pack.  (That and beautiful scantily clad women beating the crap out of each other.)  I give the competitors a lot of credit for fighting on back-to-back nights AND outdoors in the Vegas heat, no less.  You have to admire that kind of dedication and spirit.

This time the action is back on Fremont Street at the Neonopolis in Las Vegas. Our first match involves Lauren “The Animal” Fogle going up against Gypsy “Top Shelf” Bae.  Next up is a rematch of the previous night’s competitors Agatha “Cannibal” Carter and Bella Ink.  This is followed by Sybil Starr squaring off against Gemma “Jersey Babe” Giuliana.  Next, is Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima vs. Jessie “El Toro” Santos.  That leads us to the main event:  LFC Champ Shay “The Fox” Mazzato defending her title against Andreea “The Storm” Vladoi.

The ladies, as always, are a feast for the eyes.  The always feisty Fogle looks stunning in her Rolling Stones-themed lingerie.  Ink is drop dead gorgeous in her multifaceted attire.  Mazzato is equally hot too in a sort of spiderweb-inspired garb.

The fights are fun to watch too.  Even though Fogle makes short work of newbie Bae, it’s nevertheless quite entertaining. The grudge match between Carter and Ink features all the grit and bad blood you’d hope for in a return match.  (Including a little post-fight brawling.)  Starr dominates newcomer Giuliana by basically straddling her opponent’s face the whole match.  (Not that I’m complaining.)  Tajima/Santos features a potent mix of wrestling, brawling, showboating, trash talking and wardrobe malfunctions.  The main event is a real doozy too, with both athletes showing us why they are the elites of their sport.

Heck, there’s even action in between rounds.  When the ever-sexy Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx protests her suspension, the LFC “Prez” Holly “The Lotus” Mei challenges her to brawl at the next event.  Sadly, Hexx doesn’t participate in any of the matches in this event, but her extended cameo is certainly welcome and helps make LFC 29 one of the company’s best efforts.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 28: SINDEPENDENCE DAY (2019) ****

Remember when The Beatles did that one concert on the rooftop?  This is kind of like the Lingerie Fighting Championships version of that.  The last event was outdoors on Fremont Street at the Neonopolis in Las Vegas.  This one is on top of a Vegas strip club.  Because the match is surprisingly poorly attended, there isn’t much energy coming from the crowd.  That’s not really a criticism, but more of an observation.  This viewer, however, was riveted from start to finish.

This entry is subtitled “Sindependence Day” because it took place on July 4th, and appropriately, there are fireworks both inside and outside the ring.  When newcomer Shay Golden fails to appear for her bout with Gypsy “Top Shelf” Bae, the European Champ Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx hops in the ring to take her place wearing Stars and Stripes pasties, a G-string, and nothing else.  Next up is Agatha “Cannibal” Carter fighting dirty in order to prevail over Bella Ink.  Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima takes on Sybil Starr in the next bout.  That match is followed by Lauren “The Animal” Fogle going against Jessie “El Toro” Santos.  Finally, we have the main event, a title fight for the vacant LFC Championship between Shay “The Fox” Mazzato and Monica “Flowerbomb” Garcia.

There are a lot of highlights here.  Too many, in fact, to catalogue properly.  Hexx annihilates her opponent, which to be fair, she wasn’t remotely prepared for.  During my brief time watching the sport, Jolene has rapidly become my favorite fighter, and her outfit here has to be one of the most patriotic get-ups of all time.  It is also quite possibly my favorite ring attire of any athlete ever.  Ink looks quite ravishing as well in her equally patriotic (although not quite as revealing) American flag brassiere.  Garcia is also no slouch as she turns heads in her dominatrix outfit.

We also have Cannibal Carter living up to her name while taking a bite out of Bella Ink.  Tajima’s fight memorably starts with her handing opposing Coach Leon Hater a restraining order forbidding him to remain ringside to help out her opponent.  Fogle/Santos is an entertaining mix of sheer physicality, fortitude, and playful post-fight antics as their in-ring chemistry leads to some unexpected sexual tension.

The main event is everything you could hope for from a title match.  There’s great grappling work, huge body shots, controversial referee decisions, corners erupting in chaos, and weaves being ripped out.  In short, Sindependence Day made me proud to be an American.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 27: SEXY, NERDY, INKED AND CURVY (2019) *** ½

Before getting into the action, the LFC commentary crew have to catch the audience up to speed with the fallout from the various post-fight skirmishes that occurred at the last Lingerie Fighting Championships event, Booty Camp.  Namely, the suspension of Coach Leon Hater and the news that “The Prez” of the company Maxine Frost, is stepping down.  Then, the action begins.

Fan favorite Lauren “The Animal” Fogle takes on newcomer Jesabelle “Fire Queen” Marie in the opening bout.  Next is Jenevieve “The Sorceress” Hexxx duking it out with Bella Ink.  That’s followed by Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima vs. Jenny “Bloody” Valentine.  The LFC European Champ Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx then goes toe to toe with former LFC Champ, Monica “Flowerbomb” Garcia.  And finally, our main event is between Sheila “Crash” Cardinal and Katie “The Bombshell” Forbes, which goes the distance as both competitors give it their all.

Sexy, Nerdy, Inked and Curvy offers a couple of firsts for the LFC.  One, it takes place outdoors at the Neonopolis on Fremont Street in Vegas.  Also, it’s the first event to take place in a ring rather than a cage.  Additionally, the use of the new “Ref Cam” provides us with some… shall we say… unique views of the action in the ring.

I also liked the behind-the-scenes stuff with the gals using a local tattoo shop as their backstage dressing room area.  I kind of wish there was more of it.  Unfortunately, the acoustics of the outdoor event make some of the post-fight interview segments hard to hear.

Those are really minor quibbles overall because when the ladies are front and center duking it out, LFC 27 is a lot of fun.  Hexxx makes a great entrance, doing splits and chewing on the ropes.  Valentine has a lot of showmanship as well.  Garcia also makes a memorable impression as she enters the ring in a Mortal Kombat-inspired get-up.

The fights are very entertaining too.  Ink/Hexxx features a good clash of both style and personalities.  Tajima/Valentine finds both combatants fighting dirty to secure a win, but ultimately, respecting one another when the fight is over.  The Hexx and Garcia brawl starts out as a strong battle befitting two legends of the sport until some unsportsmanlike conduct causes the match to descend into total chaos (which is nevertheless very entertaining to watch).  The main event is full of fireworks too.

All in all, this is another winner from the good folks at LFC.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 26: BOOTY CAMP (2019) *** ½

In the opening bout of Booty Camp, newcomer Jessica “Sekhtmet” Vattiera squares off against Jenny “Bloody” Valentine, but the post-fight battle is actually more entertaining than the match itself.  Then, Teri “Feisty Fists” London enters the cage with a bad knee (but it doesn’t stop her from twerking her booty off) to go toe to toe with Jenn “The Real Deal” Repp.  However, the ref disqualifies her before the match can even begin because of her injury, which is majorly disappointing.  Next up is Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima vs. Shelly “Aphrodite” DaSilva, and it’s a close back and forth battle.  European Champion, Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx then toes the line with Bella Ink (making her LFC debut), and it’s a terrific bout befitting two titanesses of the sport.  The main event finds Allie “Baby Doll” Parks and Monica “Flowerbomb” Garcia locking horns for the title of “Booty Camp Champ.”

Lingerie Fighting Championships 26:  Booty Camp takes place in a small Vegas club, which is a bit of a mixed blessing.  On one hand, it makes for an intimate affair between the combatants.  On the other, the tight confines of the club cause the camerawork (which has always been excellent in these events) and lighting to be less than optimal this time around.  One amusing aspect is that in the name of equality, the “Ring Girls” have been replaced by “Ring Boys” for the evening.

Although the first couple of fights aren’t up to snuff with some other events I’ve seen, the final three matches are all pretty strong.  The Temptress and Aphrodite match is a lot of fun, and like the opener, there’s even more action after the bout is over.  The Hexx and Ink brawl is extremely entertaining too, and contains all the grappling, boxing, booty suffocation, and wardrobe malfunctions you’d hope for from two elites of the franchise.  The main event is a real back-and-forth slobberknocker as well, and it makes for a fitting cherry on top to the evening’s festivities.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 37: BACK TO THE MANSION (2023) ****

Here’s the latest edition of the awesome all-women MMA extravaganza, Lingerie Fighting Championships.  The opening card finds newcomers Ruby “The Booty” Vuitton and Ziva Fey duking it out.  Next, we have “Hotstuff” Hollie Dunaway and Bella Rockafella going at it in an all-out bra… er… brawl.  Former LFC champ Monica “Flowerbomb” Garcia squares off against “Sinister” Shay Lynn in a powerhouse performance by both competitors.  The next battle is between Jenny “Bloody” Valentine and Danika “Dani” Della Rouge, and it’s nearly just as frenetic and rife with drama as the match that preceded it.  That’s followed by a rematch of LFC 36 fighters Bella “Rebel Princess” Madisyn and Sheena “The Hungarian Hurricane“ Bathory, and it’s quite simply an all-out war.  Teri “Feisty Fists” London and Kyra “Mogwai“ Batara are up next, and their bout features a good display of wrestling and grappling skills between the opponents.  It all ends with the main event between Salina and Katie “The Bombshell” Forbes.

LFC 37 is a more intimate affair as the fights take place in a smaller venue (READ:  A strip club), but at least the sound and camerawork are better than in the previous installment.  (READ:  There are lots of close ups of jiggling derrières locked in highly suggestive grappling positions.)  The play-by-play commentators are also very entertaining.  (One even quotes Karate Kid 3’s Terry Silver at one point.)

However, the spotlight really belongs to the competitors.  They are some truly fine athletes in addition be being drop dead gorgeous.  The most memorable entrance belongs to “Sinister” Shay Lynn, who shoots sparks out of her cast iron strap-on.  (Yes, you read that right.)  The fights are among the best I’ve seen in the LFC.  The rematch between Madisyn and the Hungarian Hurricane has all the drama and intensity you’d want to see from a return bout, with action happening both inside and outside the ring.  The main event is another rematch, and while it is a close fight all the way through, it almost feels anticlimactic next to some of the more grueling bouts that preceded it.

I’m thinking specifically of the Dunaway/Rockafella fight.  It is one of the most entertaining fights I’ve seen, not just in the LFC, but in general.  It’s full of showmanship… er… showwomanship from the fighters and contains some truly great moments.  (Like when Hotstuff hops up and down on Bella’s upper torso.)  It all culminates in a shocking and controversial fashion, and I would expect nothing less from the LFC. 

I smell rematch.

INDIANA JONES AND THE DIAL OF DESTINY (2023) *** ½

Ah, Dr. Jones.  So good to finally have you back.  You were looking positively dreadful when we saw you last.  It’s nice to see you’ve improved greatly since then.  

The rip-roaring opening of your latest film, The Dial of Destiny, took you back to the roots of what made your old adventures so special.  It’s fun, full of action, and sprinkled with some amusing humorous bits.  That’s not to say that there weren’t a couple of wonky CGI de-aging shots, but aside from that, the digital facelift you received was just good enough not to be irksome.  It works, provided the audience, as you did in The Last Crusade, takes a leap of faith, and just goes with it.  I have to say that the ending will likewise probably take a leap of faith as well.  I guess that might depend on whether or not some moviegoers can swallow the premise or not.  (It’s almost, if not, as goofy, as the aliens in the last one.)  In fact, their entire enjoyment of the picture might hinge upon it.  However, I must say that for this particular moviegoer, your performance was more than enough to sell it.

I very much enjoyed the late ‘60s setting.  Placing the action against the moon landing was a nice touch.  I loved how you were just about the only person in the cast that didn’t give a shit about it.  It’s as if you, the archaeologist that you are, were still stuck in the past while everyone around you was looking to the future.  Even though you were retiring from your position as professor, that didn’t stop you from having one final adventure to track down the Archimedes Dial with your goddaughter.  Naturally, those pesky Nazis wanted it too, and you had to give them a little of that old Jones asskicking.

Yes, that opening sequence was a blast, but after we flash-forwarded a few decades, the action on display was a nice match for your age.  All things considered, the action set pieces were believable (well… maybe not “believable”, let’s just say, “not outlandish”).  Let’s face it, at your age, you’re not gonna be outrunning any boulders any time soon.  But things like jumping from sidecar to sidecar, trekking through harsh landscape, and of course, punching lots of Nazis, you did quite well.  

I was glad that your new director, James Mangold studied the Spielberg playbook well.  It certainly felt a lot more Spielbergian than that Crystal Skull shit, that’s for sure.  (Especially the first act.)  It did feel kinda watered down in spots though.  Aside from the eel attack and the obligatory run-in with creepy crawly insects, it lacked a big gory villain demise we’ve come to expect from the franchise.  I mean, nothing will ever top the Toht death from Raiders, but you’ve got to at least try.

Whatever quibbles I had with your latest adventure are minor.  More importantly, it effectively washed the bad memory of the last one away.  The bottom line is that it was extremely good to see you back in the fedora again.  Sure, I would’ve liked to see you use your trademark whip a little more, but you were still in fine form.  If this, in fact, is your last adventure, I’m happy you’re exiting on a high note.

Yours truly,

Mitch Lovell

The Video Vacuum

TUBI CONTINUED… 100 GIRLS BY BUNNY YEAGER (1999) **

Renowned cheesecake model turned renowned cheesecake photographer Bunny Yeager takes us on a tour of her portfolio as she showcases a hundred women she’s photographed over the years.  Most of the time, it feels like we are watching an overlong slideshow as we see dozens of glamour shots of pin-up girls with Bunny narrating trivia tidbits and some biographical background on each model.  Sometimes to alleviate the boredom, there are brief snippets from the films Bunny Yeager’s Nude Camera and Bunny Yeager’s Nude Las Vegas.  We also get some behind the scenes home movies of a few of the shoots, although it’s nothing really enlightening.

The most noteworthy model here of course is Bettie Page.  Too bad she gets just about the same amount of time devoted to her as the rest of the girls.  I guess there are plenty of other docs about Bettie out there already, but there’s wasn’t nearly enough time spent on her for my liking.  In fact, many of the model bios are rushed and/or glossed over.  Now, I know when you have a hundred girls to talk about, you want to be succinct as possible.  However, most of the time, the bio info just boils down to, “I only worked with this brunette once” before Bunny moves on to the next model.

I generally enjoy Bunny’s work, but even though it’s only forty-two minutes long, 100 Girls still feels like a bit of a slog.  That’s mostly due to the repetitive nature of the documentary.  Also, I don’t know if it was just the version of the film that was uploaded on Tubi or what, but many scenes are weirdly cropped.  In fact, a few of the models’ heads are completely chopped off the top of the frame, which makes for a bizarre viewing experience.  (Oh well, at least their bikini-clad bodies are still in full view.)

TUBI CONTINUED… GIANTESS ATTACK: YEAR ZERO! (2017) **

After a short preview of our feature, Giantess Attack, an announcer informs us that the film did not meet its Kickstarter goal and couldn’t be completed.  Instead of seeing the movie we were promised, we are treated to an episode of a superhero TV show called Battle Babe and Combat Queen.  Then, the two lead actresses, Diedre (Tasha Tacosa) and Frida (Rachel Riley) get into a heated brawl in the middle of shooting.  Because of their constant fighting, the show is quickly cancelled, and Diedre and Frida make up by getting drunk together.  Two tiny twin aliens (both played by Christine Nguyen) come to Earth and give them alien technology that makes them grow to humongous proportions, and the girls go out and hit the town.  (And I mean they really hit the town.)  The military is eventually called out to stop them, and soon the giantesses turn Hollywood Boulevard into their own personal battleground.

Giantess Attack:  Year Zero! is sort of a spoof of ‘70s live action kids shows like Electra Woman and Dyna Girl and Japanese Tokusatsu like Ultraman.  The effects are terrible on purpose (I think), which is kind of the charm. Even though the seams in the effects are obvious, there are some occasionally creative moments.  (Like when Battle Babe rides a tank like a skateboard.)  The fake cereal commercials were also a nice touch.

While I admire the film’s kitchen sink approach, the results are uneven at best.  Most of the gags land with a thud, and I have a suspicion that the various commercials, trailers, and Kickstarter jokes were more of a way to pad out the running time than anything.  That said, there are a few funny bits sprinkled throughout.  I think my favorite segment was the interview with the director “James Blabberon”, played by Jay Woelfle, who is a dead ringer for James Cameron.  None of this really adds up to much, but it’s a breezy way to kill an hour or so.

AKA:  Giantess Attack.

TUBI CONTINUED… MIND KILLER (1987) **

Warren (Joe McDonald) is a geeky librarian who is painfully shy when it comes to talking to women.  He finds a research paper in the library archives and reads it, which helps him unlock his untapped psychic powers.  Warren then uses his new gifts to score with women and get back at his enemies.  The only catch is, the more he uses it, the more it starts to change him.  He soon sets his sights on his new coworker Sandy (Shirley Ross), who is forced to go along with his commands.  It’s then up to his best friends Brad (Kevin Hart) and Larry (Wade Kelley) to stop him.

Mind Killer has a cheesy USA Up All Night kind of vibe to it.  It’s all sort of ludicrous, but not quite enough to make it entertaining.  It’s also a little on the dull side as the dialogue and romance scenes don’t have a whole lot of energy.  Although it contains a potentially good idea, the muddled execution and missed opportunities ultimately makes for a frustrating viewing experience.  On the bright side, director Michael (Night Vision) Krueger does deliver some gooey and gloppy special effects scenes.  It’s just a shame you have to wait till the last fifteen minutes to see them.

The tone is a little out of whack too.  The nightclub scenes are really goofy and almost feel like they came out of another entirely different movie.  One thing I can say for these bits though is that it’s hard to hear what the characters are saying because the music is so loud, so it’s actually kind of true to life.  Unfortunately, the weird asides (like the scene where the guy listens to records of coyotes howling) don’t exactly help either.  While we do get some okay moments near the end, the film is just too uneven to come together in a satisfying way.  

Krueger also wrote Lone Wolf and The Amityville Curse.

AKA:  Mindkiller.  AKA:  The Brain Creatures.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 36: BOOTY CAMP 4 (2022) ****

I watched Lingerie Fighting Championships 21:  Naughty N’ Nice not too long ago and it was fucking awesome.  I prayed to the Tubi gods that more LFC would be added.  The Tubi gods not only heard my prayers, but they delivered.  In fact, they added TEN more Lingerie Fighting Championships specials in all.  You’re damned sure I’m going to watch ‘em all.

The first one that popped up on my recommendations list was Lingerie Fighting Championships 36:  Booty Camp 4.  One thing I noticed right off the bat was that it’s, sadly, a chintzier presentation than Naughty N’ Nice.  For one, the venue is a lot smaller.  Also, they fight in a regular boxing ring this time and not in a UFC-style cage.  The ring announcer is barely audible too, and the referee doesn’t really look like she knows what’s she’s doing either.

That’s all surface stuff.  I’m reviewing 365 movies on Tubi in 365 days here.  I’ve got to at least make with the criticism. 

And that’s where my critique ends.  Lingerie Fighting Championships 36:  Booty Camp 4 is fucking awesome.  Not only is the heart and soul of the competitors on full display, but also their T & A.  There’s some terrific action here and many of the matches are downright incredible.  It's definitely a good time all around.

The first bout is between Angelica “The Italian Knockout” Ko and Andre “The Sidewinder” Shakti.  It’s a strong matchup that kicks off the event with gusto.  Next up is a fun match between Tomiko “The Temptress” Tajima and Carmen Valentina.  The third bout is cut short when Arianna “The Brat” Blaze suffers a nauseating injury at the hands of Bella Ink.  Bella Rockafella and “Sinister” Shay Lynn (a former Playboy playmate) is over pretty fast, but both opponents have great personalities.  Next is Bella “Rebel Princess” Madisyn (there sure are a lot of Bellas fighting in the LFC) vs Sheena “The Hungarian Hurricane” Bathory, and it’s an all-out slobberknocker what would put most like WWE matches to shame.  It’s a brutal battle to the finish.  Fierce competitor Lauren “The Animal” Fogle dominates Courtney “Coco Loco” Pemberton in the semi-final, and the main event finds the LFC champ Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx going against the “Booty Camp Champ” Jenny “Bloody” Valentine in a bout that can only be described as bootlicious.

While the surroundings are kind of cheap looking, the ladies definitely bring their A game both in and out of the ring.  Several make memorable entrances using props that include (among other things), a bubble machine, male slaves, and a grinding tool that creates sparks.  The costumes are outlandish and sexy too, which certainly helps.  I also liked the fact they got an English guy to do the play-by-play commentary which makes everything seem a little classier than it probably really is.  The best guy though is the one who sits outside the squared circle whose sole job is to pat the ladies down before they enter the ring.  I’ve never been one for looking for new careers, but I think I just might’ve found my dream job.

FEMALE MERCENARIES ON ZOMBIE ISLAND (1995) **

In the year 2000, an asteroid (it looks like your grandma’s chair) hurtles toward Earth with the potential to wipe out all of existence.  Tina Krause’s solution?  Take a shower!

After the asteroid kills most of the population, sexy Doctor Pamela Sutch sets herself up on an island turning men into mindless zombie soldiers and performing brain transplants.  After she kills off most of the peaceful farming women on the island, the survivors swear revenge.  With some help from the zombie henchmen who long to become human again, they plan to overthrow the mad doctor once and for all.

Before I continue with this review, I have to get something off my chest:  There was no goddamn reason this needed to be 111 minutes.  The plot circles around and loops back on itself a lot.  The heroines are captured, then escape, only to be recaptured and escape again.  There are also long scenes where actors are forced to say an incredible amount of ridiculous exposition with a straight face.

That said, it has a scene of Tina Krause getting undressed, taking a shower, being chloroformed, and hogtied , not one but two long text crawls that look like they came out of a Sega Genesis game, and the world ends via piece of furniture, all BEFORE the opening credits start, so it’s not all bad.

Unfortunately, it seems like they added the opening after the fact as the rest of the movie is rather light on nudity.  I guess the filmmakers thought if they frontload it with a lot of T & A to lure you in, you’d forget what you were watching and why you were watching it in the first place.  Oh, did I mention this is a W.A.V.E. movie?  Questioning what the fuck you’re watching kind of goes along with the territory.

We do get some great gore along the way.  There are slashed throats, hilarious brain operation scenes, zombie attacks, and even some Kung Fu too.  I also enjoyed the fact that when the zombies eat people, it’s not raw like in a Romero movie.  They actually take the time to put their prey in a giant pot and cook them like an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. 

What else can I tell you about this one?  There’s mud wrestling, bondage, discipline, electrocution, strangulation, wet T-shirts, catfights, and water fights.  I mean, a movie with all that going for it can’t be all bad.  It’s just way too long and much too slow moving in between the good stuff.

TUBI CONTINUED… COCAINE COUGAR (2023) *

Here’s another inane, frustrating, and forgettable no-budget loser from Dustin Ferguson.  The early scenes clue you in to just how rough things are going to be.  After the long opening title sequence (featuring some awful heavy metal music), we’re treated to pointless news reports and unending Found Footage scenes of people wandering around the woods.  It’s like half the movie is someone’s vacation videos passed off as a Cocaine Bear rip-off.

Anyway, a cougar escapes from a laboratory and hides out in the mountains. An annoying influencer and her cameraman boyfriend are also traipsing around the area.  While collecting footage for her social media videos, they have a run-in with the cougar, who thankfully kills them.  The crazed cat then kills a drug mule and eats his cache of coke.  Soon, the coked-up cougar finds its way into the city where it claims more victims.

You would think the fact that Cocaine Cougar is only fifty minutes long would be a sign that there is a God in Heaven and that he is merciful.  However, this was one of the longest fifty minutes in my entire life.  Because of the fractured narrative, lack of central characters, excessive padding, and complete non-ending, the “film” (notice how I put the word film in quotations) feels about five times that length.  The janky CGI cougar effects, annoying red tinted POV camerawork during the scenes of the cougar stalking its prey, and completely unnecessary amusement park sequences doesn’t help matters either.  The fact that most of the kills happen offscreen is further infuriating and helps ensure that I will not be watching a movie with the word “Cocaine” followed by an animal in the title any time soon. 

Jim Wynorski muse Rocky Demarco is the only name in the cast.  She plays a model who gets ate by the cougar.  Unfortunately, she isn’t in it long enough to leave much of an impression.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE SLASHER… IS THE SEX MANIAC! (1975) *** ½

A killer in a black mask, fedora and trench coat is going around slashing the throats of promiscuous wealthy married women.  Inspector Farley Granger is in pursuit, but even he can’t seem to crack the case.  He then tries a desperate Hail Mary to catch the killer, which could potentially blow up in his face.

The Slasher… is the Sex Maniac! is fairly sleazy all things considered.  It has a generous body count and plenty of gratuitous T & A, which makes it highly recommended.  Director Roberto Bianchi Montero, who is the father of Andrea (Burial Ground) Bianchi, keeps things moving along at a steady clip and is smart enough to evenly dole out the numerous kill scenes to prevent the audience from getting bored.

Granger is kind of one note in the thankless inspector role.  Luciano Rossi is fun though as the creepy blonde morgue attendant who likes to touch up the female corpses a little too much, which of course makes him the prime suspect.  However, it’s the ladies of the cast appearing in various stages of undress who are the most memorable.

Although the police procedural sequences are kind of rote and bland, the slashing scenes have a little bit of a kick to them.  The scene aboard a train has some effective lighting, and the part where the slasher sneaks up behind his prey in a foggy bathroom is well done too.  The thing that makes the flick cook is the third act twist.  I won’t spoil it for you, but you have to wonder if Thomas Harris saw this before he wrote Red Dragon.  The downbeat ending also packs a punch.

The film’s lasting legacy though is the fact that the producers later added hardcore scenes and notoriously rereleased it as “Penetration”, much to the embarrassment of Granger.

AKA:  Confessions of a Sex Maniac.  AKA:  So Sweet, So Dead.  AKA:  Revelations of a Sex Maniac to the Head of the Criminal Investigation Division.  AKA:  Bad Girls.  AKA:  Penetration.  

TUBI CONTINUED… THE SEVENTH GRAVE (1965) **

Three Americans arrive at a Scottish castle to lay claim to an inheritance.  Since the will can’t be read for a few days, they decide to pass the time by holding a seance.  Naturally, they wind up invoking the supernatural, which results in their relative’s corpse disappearing from his tomb.  The will also disappears, and before long, people predictably start turning up dead.

Intermittently atmospheric and at other times dreary, The Seventh Grave is only fitfully entertaining.  While the film is overlong to a fault (the subplot about a treasure hunt for the lost booty of Sir Francis Drake feels like nothing more than filler), it nevertheless has the occasional nifty moment to keep you watching.  The seance scene, for example, where everyone sits around in a circle with hands outstretched pinkie to pinkie looks pretty cool and contains some neat camera angles.  If only the rest of the flick had that same level of cinematic pizzazz, we might’ve had a decent little chiller on our hands.

Too bad the bulk of the film is an old hat.  I mean, they’ve been making these Old Dark House reading-of-the-will murder mysteries since the advent of cinema, and The Seventh Grave doesn’t exactly find anything new to bring to the (seance) table.  All the cliches from those old creaky movies (bodies turn up unexpectedly, romance blooms between two houseguests, an inspector doggedly combs the grounds for clues, etc.) are trotted out once again, and honestly, they really haven’t been given much of an update.  Even someone like me who is predisposed to enjoy movies where women in flimsy negligées walk down darkened corridors while carrying gothic candlesticks found myself getting restless here and there.  I guess it might not have been so bad if the film knew when to quit, but the long-winded plot wrap-up seems especially gratuitous.

SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE (2023) ***

In this fun, engaging, and entertaining sequel to Spider-Man:  Into the Spider-Verse, Miles Morales (the voice of Shameik Moore) finds himself pining away for his pal Spider-Gwen (Hailee Steinfeld).  She eventually shows up as part of a Spider-Man Multiverse Police Unit that makes sure that everything in the multiverse goes to plan.  Miles sees this as an opportunity to make up for lost time, but when his new foe, the seemingly innocuous Spot (Jason Schwartzman) learns he has multiverse-hopping powers, it threatens to unravel the entire Spider-Verse.  It’s then up to Miles, Gwen, and a bunch of other Spider-Men to save the day.

Across the Spider-Verse is a little chaotic in the early going, but when it finds its bearings, it starts to soar. Schwartzman makes for a great baddie who no longer wants to be a low-level Villain of the Week and is eager to branch out into becoming a major player.  The character of Miles is a bit more fleshed out here than he was in the first film.  I liked the fact that he decides to potentially destroy the multiverse just to save a loved one.  I mean saving someone while simultaneously making things worse for himself is kind of a core Spider-Man trope.  It also works to ground Miles and helps push him into his own unique path.

While the film is superior to the original Spider-Verse, it’s not without some detriments.  There’s maybe a little too much Spider-Gwen for my tastes in the early going and her banter with Miles isn’t as fresh as what we saw in the first film.  Also, the new ragtag crew of alternate universe Spider-Men isn’t nearly as memorable as the ones found in the original.  I did enjoy Andy Samberg as Ben Reilly though.  His hilarious brooding monologues get some of the biggest laughs of the entire flick. 

Sure, it’s a little overstuffed, but once Miles’ arc takes precedence, things really get into gear.  The action is fun too.  The battle with Spot is entertaining and the sequence where Miles must escape the clutches of thousands of Spider-Men is one of the best action bits in recent memory.  We also get plenty of funny cameos and alternate universe versions of Spider-Man in there too.  And even though it’s just a set-up for the trilogy-capper, Beyond the Spider-Verse, it still feels like a cohesive whole as the cliffhanger ending is well done.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE MONSTER OF THE OPERA (1964) **

It’s always kinda depressing when a movie shoots its wad in the first five minutes.  The excellent opening sequence of The Monster of the Opera features a sexy woman in a flimsy negligée being stalked by a pitchfork-wielding vampire, and it contains some gorgeous cinematography and exquisite nightmarish camerawork full of Dutch angles and loop-de-loop camera moves.  Too bad the flick never comes close to recapturing that marvelous bit of gothic filmmaking.

Sandro (Marco Mariani) is a flamboyant theater director who intends to put on his latest production in a theater where several actresses went missing years before.  He says to hell with all that and plows full steam ahead with his new play.  Unfortunately, the place happens to be the haunt of a vampire (Giuseppe Addobbati) who likes sinking his teeth into prima donnas.  Naturally, he has his sights set on Giulia (Barbara Hawards), the show’s leading lady, who also happens to be the reincarnation of his lost love.

Other than a cool scene where some dancers suddenly appear wearing skeleton costumes and a neat dungeon set featuring scantily clad women chained to the wall, The Monster of the Opera is mostly a bore.  The pacing in the middle section gets bogged down as the many scenes of the cast and crew of the play cleaning up the theater and rehearsing don’t have much pizzazz to them.  It also doesn’t help that it takes an hour or so for the vampire to start putting the bite on people.  

Another debit is that the weird and arbitrary additions to the vampire lore are more perplexing than anything.  Take for instance the fact that a vampire can only bite you when you stand perfectly still. The troupe’s solution?  Dance, dance, dance!  What the hell?  Oh, and despite the title, the performance they’re putting on isn’t really an opera.  It’s more like a Vegas show meets a classical ballet version of Cyrano or something.  While I admire The Monster of the Opera’s desire to be different than the rest, I can’t guarantee you’ll stay awake by the time the curtain falls.

AKA:  The Vampire of the Opera.

IT’S ABOUT THE SECOND COMING (1980) ***

Started by Ron Ormond, and then finished by his son, Tim, It’s About the Second Coming was one of the many religious pictures he and his family made later in life.  It’s not quite in the same league as the incredible If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? (then again, what could be?), but there are plenty of solid laughs and a few touches of the patented jaw-dropping lunacy you’ve come to expect from the Ormond clan.

Because Ron handed the directorial reins to Tim halfway through production, the film has a choppy feel.  It’s essentially about The Book of Revelations.  Our main story focuses on a guy who doesn’t have time for the Lord because he’s too busy going out to Ruby Tuesdays and disco dancing.  Once The Rapture occurs, he finds himself Kirk Cameroned and left behind.  He then is hunted down by the evil “global police”.

The Tribulation scenes are pretty great.  They feel like a mix of Escape from New York, Star Wars (a Han Solo toy blaster is a prop), Freejack, and Left Behind.  The parts where the “global police” ride around in jeeps and blast citizens with laser cannons in skid row alleyways are especially memorable.

It’s still really uneven though.  You’ve got to sit through a lot of sermonizing and biblical recreations (like the story of Abraham) before you get to the good (cheesy) stuff.  In one great bit, the Antichrist causes a preacher to have a heart attack mid-sermon.  It almost plays like a religious version of Scanners or something.  We also get a lot of weird/silly/cool imagery including corpses jumping up from their grave, glowing knights riding out of the sky, and a badass guillotine contraption.  Even with the herky-jerky narrative, the fifty-five-minute running time flies by, and there’s enough WTF moments here to make it another winner from the Ormonds’ religious period.

AKA:  The Second Coming.

EDGE OF TOMORROW (1961) **

Whatever you do, don’t confuse this with the Tom Cruise movie of the same name.  This one is a pseudo-documentary/cinema verité/mondo movie/WTF flick about aliens directed by the legendary Ron (The Monster and the Stripper) Ormond.  It tells the purported “true” tale of Reinhold O. Schmidt (who stars as himself) and his close encounters with UFOs.  One day, Schmidt’s driving around Nebraska when he finds a spaceship in a field.  He’s invited in by the aliens and makes lots of small talk with the friendly visitors before going on his merry way.  Schmidt is then interviewed by a reporter to verify his tale.

Edge of Tomorrow is based on two books, but there’s barely enough story here to fill its fifty-minute running time.  At least it gets off to a promising start.  The scenes of Schmidt riding around endlessly have a real Manos vibe to them, and the Coleman Francis-esque narration contains some real howlers like, “We’re living in a new age with different things”.  Sadly, once the movie cuts back to the interview segments, it gets bogged down awfully fast and quickly becomes rather tedious.

The big reason for this is that Schmidt just isn’t an actor.  He flubs several lines, and his whiny voice gets irritating almost immediately.  Whenever the film flashes back to his alien encounter, it flirts with showing a pulse, thanks to the cheesy UFO sets and awkward alien interactions.  However, every time we switch back to Schmidt’s longwinded interview, the life gets sucked right out of the picture.

The funniest thing about the whole thing was that Schmidt was later proven to be a fraud!  Not only did he lie about his alien encounters, but he also was caught trying to swindle old ladies by selling them “crystals” from his alleged UFO buddies.  He even served jail time!  Now there’s one part of his story I’d love to see made into a movie.

Schmidt also appeared In Ormond’s Please Don’t Touch Me.

PSYCHO SISTERS (1994) ***

W.A.V.E. Productions were infamous for allowing fans to customize their horror films to suit their skeevy tastes.  Director Gary Whitson had no qualms whatsoever catering to the whims of fans and shoehorning in whatever fetish they wanted to see.  Psycho Sisters marks the first time they let a fan not only write, but also co-direct one of their movies.  Luckily, Peter Jacelone was aiming to make a “real” movie rather than just a glorified bondage video.  Well, about as close to a ”real” movie as a W.A.V.E. Production could get.  

After the brutal rape and murder of their sister, Janice (Tina Krause), Jane (Christine Taylor) and Jackie (Pamela Sutch) snap and are committed to an insane asylum.  Once they are released, they plot to get revenge on the men who killed their sister… and… well… all men in general.

Psycho Sisters begins with the warning:  “This motion picture contains graphic depictions of rape, murder, and ‘genito-dismemberment’”.  However, the rape scene is rather restrained, all things considered.  The “genito-dismemberment” scenes on the other hand, are pretty damned good as the ladies develop quite a collection of dismembered members throughout the course of the film.  

Psycho Sisters offers up some neat reversals on the typical W.A.V.E. formula.  Instead of women being bound, gagged, chloroformed, and kidnapped, this time, it’s men.  I guess one could argue the death scenes are repetitive, but that kind of goes along with the idea that they are serial killers.  It’s in their very nature to kill their victims the same way every time.  I will say the flick does run on a bit long, although it’s nothing that derails the proceedings or anything.  

I quite enjoyed the flashes of black humor Jacelone brought to the picture.  It is funny that Taylor and Sutch have no problem cutting up men but get all grossed out whenever their victims piss and shit themselves.  The little attention to detail in the sister’s victim disposal methods (like the donation of their clothes to the Salvation Army) also help make it stand out from the rest of the pack.  

The trio of lead actresses are all excellent, which further cements Psycho Sisters’ place as one of the best W.A.V.E. Productions.  Krause is especially good as the ill-fated sister.  Sutch is a vivacious presence as the psychotic and playful Jackie and has many good scenes with Taylor, who acts as the de facto mother figure.  If you’re a fan of any or all of these ladies, you’re sure to go psycho for these Sisters.

TUBI CONTINUED… MOTORBOAT (2023) *

A cult known as “The Brotherhood of Darkness” is murdered by a masked assassin who dumps the leader’s body in the middle of a lake.  Two years later, the leader’s spirit possesses a motorboat that putts around the lake chopping up tourists with its outboard motor.  It’s then up to the sheriff and a priest with a sketchy past to confront and kill the diabolical dinghy.  

Motorboat doesn’t even get out of the dock before there are problems.  The early scenes are edited in a nearly incomprehensible manner with lots of lens filters fogging up the action and making things difficult to see.  Seriously, a movie about a sentient homicidal motorboat should not start off this convoluted.  Also, everyone (including the hero) wears masks, so it’s obvious that much of the dialogue was looped in after the fact (and was probably all done by the same person).  To make matters worse, scenes are repeated again and again in the form of flashbacks and dreams.  In fact, without these repeated sequences (and the unnecessary news reports that break up the action every fifteen minutes or so), the flick would’ve easily been about forty-five minutes long.  

Motorboat (I’m sorry, but I have to interrupt here.  Let me get something off my chest:  Motorboat is a really lame title.  A movie about a killer motorboat is called… Motorboat?  I mean, COME ON!  MURDERboat was right there!) is essentially Jaws, but with a possessed motorboat.  I just wish director Mark Polonia leaned more into the concept.  Unfortunately, he lets the flick get bogged down with all the unnecessary backstory involving the cult.  While some of the CGI shots of the boat’s ghostly aura aren’t bad, the close-ups make it look downright pathetic.  (It’s just a toy boat painted black.)  I’ll admit, the idea of a killer boat is just dumb enough to work, but the boat attack scenes are so weak that it causes the film to sink.  

The bright side:  As bad as Motorboat is, it’s far from the worst Polonia movie I’ve seen.

SORORITY SLAUGHTER (1994) ** ½

Hugo (Sal Longo) is a creepy schlub who says, “Be it zombie or vampire, the eternal urge to live forever is the dream of mankind!”  He then goes out and strangles a jogger (Dean Demko) and hacks her up.  Hugo just so happens to live next door to a bunch of sorority girls who are spending their spring break at home.  When a prank goes wrong, the girls think they’ve accidentally killed Hugo.  Little do the sorority sisters know, he’s an immortal killer who likes sacrificing women on his altar.  

Sorority Slaughter is kinda like the South Jersey version of House on Sorority Row.  Despite the low budget trappings inherent in a W.A.V.E. Production, directors Gary Whitson and Sal Longo still find ways to wring genuine suspense and even a surprise or two.  I liked the opening scene where a victim is watching a W.A.V.E. movie on TV while the killer lurks in the background.  Then, we hear a scream, and the audience thinks she’s just become a victim, but it’s really coming from the TV.  THEN the killer strikes.  Sure, it’s not John Carpenter or anything, but it’s kinda effective for a low budget, shot-on-video horror flick.  Whitson and Longo also give us a great toilet POV shot when Tina Krause blows chunks.  

Moments like that work.  Eventually, Sorority Slaughter reveals its true purpose:  Long scenes of sorority girls horseplaying in the pool, extended water fights that erupt while washing a car (complete with Keystone Kops music), and scenes of sorority girls getting slaughtered (natch).  W.A.V.E. movies are essentially bondage fetish videos parading as horror films, so it’s always amusing once they start showing their skeevier side.  They’re almost like an AI version of a snuff film.  Some of these scenes go on forever, and sometimes, you start to question what you’re watching.  However, is it really a W.A.V.E. movie if you haven’t asked yourself, “Okay, what am I watching?”

Despite the gnarly and grungy aspects of the film, it’s strangely chaste.  Nudity in the shower scenes is either strategically out of frame or obscured by the opaque shower curtain.  When the guys score with the sorority sisters, they either leave their underwear on or seem unable to get past second base.  In fact, there’s no nudity here, unless you count butt shots and wet T-shirts.  The kill scenes are kind of repetitive too, although I guess if you have a fetish for seeing women faint, being carried off like Julie Adams in The Creature from the Black Lagoon, and then having her guts pulled out, you’d be inclined to give it Four Stars no matter what.

TUBI CONTINUED… HOLLYWOOD DINOSAUR CHRONICLES (1987) ***

Doug McClure hosts this lightweight and breezy trip down memory lane that shines a spotlight on the most popular dinosaur movies of all time.  The films of the silent era, such as the animated Gertie the Dinosaur, the early stop-motion effort The Dinosaur and the Missing Link, and The Lost World are covered first.  All these films eventually set the stage for the iconic King Kong in 1933.  After the creation of the atom bomb in the ‘50s, dinosaurs in movies become symbols for nuclear destruction in films such as Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Monster, Reptilicus, and Godzilla vs. Megalon.  The special then concludes with a look at the then-recent dinosaur flicks, Baby:  The Secret of the Lost Legend and The Land Before Time.

McClure (who looks like he’s having a hard time standing and walking) appears in a museum next to dinosaur fossils during the dry host segments.  While these sequences aren’t much to write home about, they are, at the very least, informative.  Some of the background info on the early days of paleontology and/or moviemaking is kind of interesting.  I did find it chintzy that half of the documentary is devoted to works of the silent era, which means it’s cheaper to acquire footage since it’s all in the public domain.  (The later movies are often represented in footage from trailers, which also helps to keep costs down.)  It is kind of neat though seeing the shift away from goofy, loveable dinosaurs like Gertie to more bloodthirsty variations over the years.  

The cheesy opening set to Was Not Was’ “Walk the Dinosaur” is amusing.  There’s a pretty good selection of talking head interviewees, like Jim Danforth, Forrest J. Ackerman, and Donald F. Glut (who seems preoccupied with pointing out all the inaccuracies in the movies) too.  Overall, there’s nothing particularly earthshattering here, but if you enjoy these dated clip show packages like I do, you might get a kick out of it.

TUBI CONTINUED… SHARKULA (2022) ½ *

Remember that awesome scene in Zombie where the zombie fought a shark underwater?  Well, Sharkula features Dracula fighting a shark underwater.  Trust me.  It’s not as cool as it sounds.  That’s mostly because the effects are terrible.  Not only is the shark an awful CGI creation, but the effects team can’t even disguise the fact that Dracula isn’t underwater, as he’s obviously standing in front of a greenscreen.  

Yep, if you can’t already tell, we’re knee-deep in another Mark Polonia movie.

But it gets worse.  The droning theme song where a guy repetitively moans “Sharkula” over and over again almost put me to sleep.  The same goes for the echoey opening narration.  Ditto the constant cutaways to a fire dancer twilring her flaming sticks.  It all adds up to a one-way ticket to dreamland.  

It also has a weird, blurry look and choppy feel.  Sometimes, it looks like people are moving at .75x speed as they move and talk slower than they ought.  It’s one thing to use slow motion for an important scene.  It’s another to randomly slow parts of the film down to (presumably) inflate the running time.  

The vampire/shark hybrid is kind of funny, I guess.  It looks like a shark bath toy with rubber bat wings glued on it.  That’s about the only laugh the flick has to offer though.  In some close-ups, I shit you not, it looks like a Carvel ice cream cake.  It's also obvious that the fin used for the shots of the shark swimming just below the surface of the water was just a pool toy the filmmakers purchased from 5 Below.

Oh, I forgot to talk about the plot.  My bad.  Two losers get jobs working in an old inn at a seaside resort town.  Their weird employer, Renfield forbids them from going outside at night and mingling with the locals.  It’s a good thing too because after sundown, Dracula likes to feed sacrifices to the shark vampire, Sharkula.  

Sounds like fun, right?  Unfortunately, it’s about as much fun as shoveling chum.

TUBI CONTINUED… THE AMITYVILLE CURSE (2023) **

I think this might be a first for the Tubi Continued… column.  The Amityville Curse marks the first time I have reviewed a movie that is a Tubi Original remake of a movie I’ve previously reviewed for the column.  It also marks the second time a movie from the original Amityville series has been remade (after the original).  The 1990 version of The Amityville Curse was based on a Hanz Holzer book and was the fifth film in the original Amityville franchise.  So, I guess that makes this part of the “official” series?  Maybe?  I don’t’ know.  Things get a little murky when you start talking about rip-offs that are remakes of sequels.  

The basic story of the 1990 film is the same.  A bunch of couples buy a house in Amityville hoping to renovate and flip it.  The big difference is that in the original, it was just a house in Amityville.  This time, it’s THE house.

When one of the new tenets falls to their death, the house is soon swarmed with morbid curiosity seekers and becomes subject of supernatural speculation on social media.  (“We’re trending!”)  Hoping to dispel the claims the house is haunted; the friends invite a paranormal podcaster to do a show on the house.  He naturally winds up dead too.  More people are killed by the house, and eventually, the surviving members of the friend group turn to a professor of parapsychology to save the day.  

The Amityville Curse is watchable, but it’s mostly ho-hum and forgettable.  The biggest special effect is that the lights flicker on and off.  Since the deaths are all “accidental” or suicides, they aren’t exactly creepy or effective.  They just sort of happen.  It may be a cut below the original Curse, but it’s not bad as far as these modern Amityville rip-offs go.  

The oddest thing about the flick is that when it feels like it should be over, a “Two Months Later” title card pops up and it keeps on going.  This sequence isn’t exactly bad, but it’s not really a worthy conclusion.  If anything, it feels like a sequel that’s been crammed into the last twenty minutes and is further proof the movie should’ve really packed it in two reels ago.

AKA:  The Amityville Terror.