LET’S GET PHYSICAL: POCKET NINJAS (1997) ½ *

FORMAT:  DVD

This abysmal 3 Ninjas rip-off stars Gary Daniels as a karate instructor who moonlights as a masked vigilante.  He then bestows upon his three young students different colored masks so they too can go around at night and beat up muggers.  The Ninja trio then must take down a gang who have expanded their enterprise into dumping toxic waste. 

Pocket Ninjas was made in the post-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles era when any kid-friendly movie with the word “Ninja” in the title could be greenlit.  Even by the impossibly low standards of a dumb kids Ninja movie, this is atrocious.  Not only that, but it’s very disjointed and really dumb.  Apparently, it was started by Donald G. Jackson (which explains the rollerblading scenes) who was fired about halfway through production. Director Dave Eddy then took the reins and tried to cobble this mess together and salvage what he could.  I’d say he did a piss poor job, but then again, I don’t even know if Spielberg could’ve saved this turd.  Whenever the flick paints itself into a corner (which is often), it cuts to a random training montage which helps to further pad out the running time.  (Heck the term “training montage” is giving it way too much credit. Most of the time, it’s just a static shot of someone practicing Kung Fu.)  In fact, I’d say a third of the running time is devoted to the good guys and/or bad guys practicing Kung Fu.  The bitch of it is, none of them get particularly good at it.  (Random parade footage helps to further pad things out.)

I’m no expert, but I believe the scenes of Robert Z’Dar doing Three Stooges gags while punishing carnival music and comic relief slide whistle sound effects are on the soundtrack is a violation of the Geneva Convention.  Z’Dar is a lot of things, but a comedian he is not.  Seeing him doing shitty Curly impression is downright embarrassing.  Just when the movie should be over, the juvenile gang leader villain (who seems to be inspired by Robocop 2) challenges our heroes to a match in “Virtual Reality”, which is just a fancy word for more stupid fast motion comic relief fight scenes with Robert Z’Dar.  Even before that scene, I was like, "Game Over, man!"

AKA:  Triple Dragon.  AKA:  Skate Dragons.