FORMAT: 4K UHD
ORIGINAL REVIEW:
(As posted on January 12th, 2011)
Question: What is best in life?
Answer: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!
Question: What is second best in life?
Answer: To watch Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, see him kick ass before you, and hear the lamentation of your woman who wants you to turn it off so she can watch the Lifetime Channel.
Conan the Barbarian was the movie that got Schwarzenegger noticed as a bona fide action hero. He gives a great performance as the sullen, merciless, and all-around badass Conan. Arnold was so awesome in this movie that most Hollywood skeptics thought he only had one acting mode, but he soon proved them wrong. He went on to show them that he could not only play musclebound barbarians, but also musclebound robots, musclebound commandos, and musclebound pregnant men too. (Umm… yeah let’s forget about that last one, shall we?)
But Arnold is so great in Conan that you can almost excuse Hollywood’s ignorance. I mean not many dudes can pull off the animal pelt banana hammock look, but Schwarzenegger does it effortlessly. I particularly liked the scene where he disrupted Thulsa Doom’s snake orgy and overturned a cauldron full of bubbling Nilbog Milk. It’s shit like this that makes him a Legend of the Silver Screen. Arnold throws himself into the action scenes with all the gusto of a real barbarian so that you actually forget you’re watching Arnold Schwarzenegger; you’re fucking watching CONAN.
I think what makes the character of Conan great is that he’s totally relatable to the (male) audience members. Besides the giant muscles and broadsword, he’s just like us. He’s the kind of guy who enjoys a good time and likes to party. It’s nothing for him to down a few too many Black Lotuses and punch a camel. Hey, we’ve all been there.
This dude also gets more ass than the proverbial toilet seat. First Conan lays a hot breeding wench who just wants him for his seed (you’ve got to love those low maintenance chicks). Then he gets lost and has to bang this fucking smoking hot witch just to get directions (this is why guys should ask for directions more often) who still somehow happens to remain smoking hot even after her hair turns white and she grows fangs. (Then Conan tosses her ass in the fireplace after busting a nut, making her a different kind of smoking hot.) Finally, of course he bangs Sandahl Bergman who is also kinda hot even though she could probably break me like a twig over her knee. Seriously, he gets so much tail in this movie that he makes James Bond seem chaste.
There is more than Arnold’s performance and the colorful character of Conan that makes it one of the Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race. We also have some flawless directing by John Milius. He does a helluva job on the action scenes and handles the sorcery parts of the movie just as well. Milius captures the world that Robert E. Howard created perfectly. Nearly every frame of the movie looks like a Frank Frazetta fever dream; which is to say it’s pretty awesome. You also have to give credit to art director Ron Cobb (who also worked on Alien) for designing some pretty badass looking sets. From the Wheel of Pain to the giant snake pit to Thulsa Doom’s orgy den, every bit of this movie looks and feels like it’s 100% authentic barbarian times.
The supporting cast is also memorable. You’ve got fucking William Smith as Conan’s dad. Not many dudes actually look like they could’ve sired Schwarzenegger, but Smith is definitely in that select few. James Earl Jones makes for a great villain too. He looks like a Soul Train version of Genghis Khan and commands the screen with authority. I also liked Sandahl Bergman, Gerry Lopez, and Mako as Conan’s traveling companions. The latter two bring a quirkiness to the mix that compliments Schwarzenegger and Bergman’s brawn nicely.
The script by none other than Oliver Stone is terrific. I especially liked how Stone wrote Conan’s character as Jesus on Steroids. Don’t believe me? Well, let me lay this on you: Like Jesus, we don’t see much of Conan during his teenage years. (For all we know, Jesus could’ve been tied to the Wheel of Pain too.) Both Jesus and Conan went around the land helping people. Both of them were crucified. Both of them died and came back to life. Both of them cut off James Earl Jones’ head and tossed it down a flight of stairs. Okay, so Jesus didn’t do that last one, but you’ve got to admit there are certain uncanny parallels.
This film also cleverly played on people’s fear of religion at the time. Remember, Conan was released at a time when the audience still had people like Jim Jones on the brain, so it was only natural that his foe would be someone of the cult leader variety. I’m sure it was no mistake on the filmmakers’ part to make Thulsa Doom’s underlings dress like those annoying Harry Krishna guys you used to see at the airport either. I mean you just take one look at those jackasses and you immediately want to punch ‘em in the face. It’s this kind of universal hatred that makes them ideal villains. And you know, I’m a sucker for movies in which the hero storms his enemy’s castle and the villain shouts, “Infidels!”; so this movie is right up my alley.
The thing I really love about Conan is that the filmmakers treated the source material with the respect that it deserves. Milius and Stone approach the character with the same kind of respect that Richard Donner brought to Superman. In fact, Conan has the same basic structure of that film. The first act deals with the loss of his parents, the second act features him finding his place in the world, and the third much longer act is one big adventure.
The flick also has a lot of parallels to Return of the Jedi, which came out a year later. Both films feature scantily clad slave girls laying at the villain’s slide. Both films feature a monster keeper who gets all choked up when his pet beast is slain. Both films feature a funeral pyre for a major character. And that’s not even mentioning the fact that James Earl Jones is the baddie in both. (The ending of the flick also predates Predator too as Arnold dons body paint and sets booby traps.)
Any movie that uses Jesus, Superman, and Star Wars as inspiration can’t go wrong if you ask me.
Then you’ve got some positively fist-pumping music by Basil Poledouris. It’s primal and foreboding and it fits the title character to a tee. Thank God Poledouris wrote this shit because if he didn’t, there’d be about 768 movie trailers that would be without music.
Arnold is The Man in this movie. I know I said it before, but it bears repeating. Who else but Arnold could play Conan? He gives a great performance and handles his dialogue better than you’d expect. YOU try saying the word “lamentation” with a thick Austrian accent.
I don’t know who came up with all of that “Chuck Norris is so tough…” crap. All I know is that Arnold could easily crush that fool. The proof is in the crucifixion scene when the vultures gather around Conan’s body. The vultures don’t eat him, HE eats the vultures! You won’t see Chuck Norris doing that, that’s for sure.
By Crom, this is one great movie.
AKA: Conan.
QUICK THOUGHTS:
I don’t have much to add as I pretty much said my peace years ago, but as I was watching this again, I was struck by how silent the film is in some stretches. It’s a testament to Milius’ sturdy hand as a director. We all know he can write dialogue like nobody in the business, but his gifts as a storyteller and his expert crafting of compositions are evident throughout.
4K UHD NOTES:
This is a mighty fine restoration by the folks at Arrow. This is as sharp as the film has ever looked. The nighttime scenes in particular really pop, especially the ones that are accented by campfire or torchlight. The details in Thulsa Doom’s throne room stand out even more than before as well. The soundtrack also slaps.
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