A henpecked husband (Charlie Robinson) gets tired of his wife’s bitching and hops in the back of a taxicab that just so happens to be a time machine. He inadvertently winds up at a nudist colony smack dab in the middle of prehistoric times where all the cavewomen wander around in the nude. (Thankfully, the cavemen keep their loincloths on.) He is captured and brought before the caveman king who eventually lets him stay with the tribe. Meanwhile, a giant is carrying off all the cavewomen, so the tribe makes the cavegirls perform sexy dances (one dances with a snake that strangles her) to appease the brute.
50,000 B.C. (Before Clothing) gets off to a fun start with an alluring opening credits sequence featuring nude women holding title slates over their lower extremities. Sadly, it gets as spotty as a leopard loincloth after that.
There is a great idea for a nudie-cutie here, but the problem is, it only takes up a small part of the movie. In fact, it’s pretty rough going whenever the naked cavegirls aren’t on screen. For one, you have to put up with a lot of irritating stalling tactics including long scenes of our hero relating flashbacks of his old burlesque act to his pet dog. It doesn’t help that the Catskill brand of humor isn’t very funny. Robinson is sort of like a low budget Moe Howard, but the filmmakers should’ve realized all his burlesque routines weren’t necessary and stuck with all the sexy cavegirl footage.
Speaking of which, the nudie-cutie cavegirl scenes include naked cavewomen trying to start a fire, going on nature hikes nude, picking apples in the buff, skinny-dipping, sunbathing au natural, fishing in their birthday suit, and sewing without a stitch on. ‘60s sexploitation starlets Gigi (Bad Girls Go to Hell) Darlene and Audrey (Olga’s House of Shame) Campbell are among the cavewomen, and Eddie Carmel who plays the giant, was the mutant in the immortal The Brain That Wouldn’t Die.
AKA: 50,000 B.C. (Before Clothing): Nudes on the Rocks. AKA: Nudes on the Rocks.
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