LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BASKET CASE (1982) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 25th, 2009)

“What’s in the basket?”

 

It’s a question asked by many people in Basket Case.  Those who find out usually get torn to pieces.  Most of them deserve it.  Some of them don’t.  The ones that do boy… phew!  

 

Duane (Kevin Van Hentenryck) carries the titular wicker box around for most of the movie.  He checks into a fleabag hotel in New York City with the box in tow.  But he’s not in New York to sightsee.  Duane’s really there to find the doctors who…

 

I know most of you reading this review already know what is inside the box.  Usually, I have no qualms about spoiling major plot points in my reviews.  Most of the time, I’ll tell the movie’s “big secret” in the review without so much as a Spoiler Warning.  Not this time.  If you’re reading this and have never seen Basket Case before, stop reading this and go see it IMMEDIATELY.  

 

You know I watched Basket Case today for the first time in several years and it’s amazing how well it still holds up even after repeated viewings.  I’ve seen it probably a half dozen times now (the first time I saw it was on Up All Night or Night Flight, I can’t remember) and it still packed a wallop today.  Why does it work so well?  Mostly because we can sympathize with Duane’s plight.  We want to see him get his revenge; that’s a given.  We also want to see him get the girl too.  Because of his attachment to what’s inside the basket, we know it can’t be.  

 

Another thing that makes Basket Case fire on all cylinders is director Frank (Frankenhooker) Henenlotter’s storytelling.  He expertly sets up the premise (not before starting things off with an unsettling murder set piece) and slowly builds the suspense to a boil.  He also captures the sleazy side of early ‘80s New York with a lovingly affectionate eye.  The way he films The Big Apple’s rundown flophouses, Kung Fu movie theaters, hookers, and drug dealers, he makes it seem like a pretty cool place to live.

 

I watched the flick today with a buddy of mine who had never seen it.  Part of the fun was watching him reacting to the film.  He loved every second of it and jumped and howled at all the right places.  This flick really works with a crowd.  I can only imagine what it was like to see it in a packed theater full of people.

 

They don’t make movies like Basket Case anymore.  If you’ve never seen it, do yourself a favor and see it.  If you’ve already seen it, check it out again.  You’ll be glad you did.

 

Basket Case is on The Video Vacuum Top Ten Films of 1982 at the Number 7 spot which places it in between First Blood and Tron.

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

Basket Case is truly a thing of beauty.  It still manages to be fresh, funny, and wild AF over forty years later.  Frank Henenlotter paced this classic like a locomotive and packed it with enough blood and laughs for ten movies.  It’s easily one of the best horror movies of the ‘80s.

4K UHD NOTES:

None other than the MOMA was responsible for the 4K restoration of Basket Case. It makes perfect sense because this movie is a fucking work of art.  MOMA knows what’s up.  This is the best it’s ever looked too.  The nighttime blacks run deep, the neon-lit New York scenes really pop, and little Belial looks better than ever.  All in all, an absolute masterpiece that every respectable horror fan needs in their 4K collection.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SCANDALOUS EMANUELLE (1986) **

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Christina (Jenny Tamburi) is a bored, unfulfilled wife who is seduced by her husband’s suave friend.  Later in their relationship, he even goes so far as to turn her into a prostitute, which she winds up loving almost immediately.  It turns out not to be too big of a deal since Christina’s husband likes to watch it all go down and as it turns out, he’s even going so far as paying for her sexual education! 

Scandalous Emanuelle is a rather slow-moving romantic period melodrama, but it still has a few flourishes that only a madman like Joe D’Amato can bring to a movie.  I’m thinking specifically of the scene where the husband gets turned on while watching his wife use a bidet.  However, the drama is surprisingly inert, mostly because everyone seems pretty cool about all the fornicating going on.  Because of that, there’s no real tension between the characters.  This perhaps would be a non-issue had the softcore action been steamy, but it winds up feeling rather tame, especially by D’Amato’s standards.  Having said that, there is still a LOT of skin and plenty of boinking going on.  Because of that, it certainly isn’t boring. 

In true fake Emanuelle movie fashion, no one is named Emanuelle. Not even Black Emanuelle herself, Laura Gemser is named Emanuelle.  Instead, she appears in a supporting role as a lesbian named Jo who yearns to get into Christina’s panties.  Sadly, if you’re watching it for Gemser (and you probably are if you’re anything like me), you may be a little disappointed as she doesn’t get in on the action till the third act.  While Tamburi fares decently enough in the lead, I can only imagine how much better the film would’ve been if Gemser had more to do.

Overall, Scandalous Emanuelle isn’t bad.  It just never seems all that… well… scandalous, if you ask me.  Especially for a Joe D’Amato movie. 

AKA:  Midnight Gigolo.  AKA:  Christina.  AKA:  Peepshow.

Well, folks.  That does it for “E-‘May’-Nuelle”.  I’m still running behind on posting Let’s Get Physical reviews, but I hope to get caught up hopefully before summertime gets into full swing.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: INFERNO ROSSO: JOE D’AMATO ON THE ROAD TO EXCESS (2021) *** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Nicholas Winding Refn produced this breezy and entertaining documentary on the legendary king of Italian sleaze, Joe D’Amato, AKA: Aristide Massaccesi.  Joe is prominently featured throughout the documentary and talks at length about his early career as a cameraman and cinematographer, the origin of this Joe D’Amato non de plume, the genesis of the Black Emanuelle series, his transition from sleazy exploitation movies to full-on porn, the creation of his film company Filmirage (which produced everything from Stage Fright to Troll 2), and his work in the various Italian genre films of the ‘80s, which represented the last gasp of the once-thriving industry. 

The film also humorously shows a list of all his (over two hundred) films in Star Wars font ascending into the stars and a scholar compares his tireless output to both Jess Franco and Woody Allen!  It also supposes his later work in porn (which was done out of financial necessity) is what caused the critics to look down on him.

The list of interviewees is long and impressive.  We have Lamberto Bava, Ruggero Deodato, George Eastman, Tinto Brass, Jess Franco, Eli Roth, Michele Soavi, and Claudio Fragasso (who calls D’Amato “the Italian Roger Corman”), just to name a few.  All of them provide insight into D’Amato’s career as contemporaries, coworkers, and just plain fans.  While there isn’t a whole lot of insight into what made D’Amato himself tick, the film does deliver an impressive rundown of his various career highlights.  When you’re dealing with such a workhorse of a filmmaker, it goes without saying that some titles are bound to be overlooked (most notably, Emanuelle in America).  However, lots of time is spent on Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals, Beyond the Darkness, and Anthropophagus (AKA:  The Grim Reaper).  As someone who just spent a month watching the man’s work, this doc certainly was a nice way to pay tribute to him. 

J-MEN FOREVER (1979) ***

After checking out The Firesign Theatre Presents Hot Shorts on Tubi recently, I was happy to see that J-Men Forever, their first foray into serial dubbing, was also on the site.  I have fond memories of seeing this as a kid on Night Flight and lo and behold, the version of J-men Forever that’s on Tubi even has a Night Flight bumper and watermark! 

A rock n’ roll DJ from the moon named “The Lightning Bug” kills off a bunch of old timey musicians and sets out to take over the world using rock music.  Later, he plans to flood college campuses with marijuana.  It’s up to the square government agents, the J-Men to thwart his evil plans. 

J-Men Forever is amusing, clever, and highly entertaining throughout.  A lot of fun can be had from seeing old classic Saturday morning serials such as Captain America, Captain Marvel, The Crimson Ghost, and Radar Men from the Moon being redubbed and repurposed for humorous effect. The members of The Firesign Theatre also show up in some brief linking segments, although these are easily the weakest moments of the film.  

Admittedly, some of the humor is kind of rough in spots, but that’s all part of its scrappy charm.  There are also a few lulls in between the big laughs, although there’s certainly enough here to make it worth watching.  Still, it works more often than not, and the draggy parts don’t last too long.  One thing is for sure, it definitely plays better late at night (or early in the morning, whichever you prefer).  

The funniest line occurs when the villain finds two heroes snooping around his cavern and decides to flood the corridor.  After pulling the lever, he says, “I’m gonna wash those J-Men outta my lair!”

A few of the same serial clips appeared in Hot Shorts, but with new (often better) jokes. 

AKA:  The Day the Earth Got Stoned.  AKA:  The Secret World War.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PORNO NIGHTS OF THE WORLD NO. 2 (1978) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Joe D’Amato returns with another sexy (fake) Mondo movie.  Even though he made two of these with Laura Gemser (this was released two weeks before Emanuelle and the Porno Nights of the World), Ajita Wilson fills in as the hostess time out.  The wraparound sequences find a stewardess (Wilson) returning home from a long flight to be interviewed by a sexy reporter.  While undressing, she talks about all the exotic nightclubs she’s visited around the world. 

First up is a “Ping Pong Club” in Hong Kong where a woman shoots ping pong balls out of her hoo-hah and into the customer’s drinks (accompanied by hilarious space gun “pew-pew” sound effects).  Next, we’re off to Dallas to see a stripper perform a Native American-inspired dance number.  (I believe we would call that “Cultural Appropriation” nowadays.)  Then, we meet a couple who bang on a boat before setting off to the Middle East to watch a belly dancer shake and shimmy.  Next, we watch a lesbian floor show with a ‘20s motif followed by a bout of female mud wrestling.  Ajita herself is featured in the following segment performing a dance number with a nude man painted up like the statue of David.  Then we check out an S & M dance number that looks like 50 Shades of Bobby and Cissy.  That’s followed by more sadist shenanigans of German couples using whips and chains on each other, including a scene where a dominatrix makes her submissive eat shit.  (It looks like chocolate pudding.)  Wilson then performs a striptease for a giant stone phallus.  This is followed by an odd segment that looks like a home movie showcasing “repressed” (white) Americans reacting to a “liberated” (black) dancer.  Next is a great scene where a woman does a striptease dressed as Zorro.  The apex of the debauchery comes during a French striptease version of Swan Lake that quickly veers into Pedro the Horse territory, if you know what I mean.  That’s followed by a Las Vegas orgy which for me, was by far the weakest sequence, but then again anything would’ve felt anticlimactic next to the Swan Lake Pony Show.  Lastly, the reporter finally puts her tape recorder away so she and Ajita can bone. 

This would make a pretty good double feature with Crazy Nights as both films are Mondo movies starring trans women directed by Joe D’Amato.  It’s not nearly as fun as that manic classic, but I enjoyed it more than either of the Laura Gemser-starring Porno Nights of the World films.  It’s more entertaining from scene to scene and Wilson’s host segments have a lot of energy.  Plus, the Swan Lake scene alone is enough to give you déjà vu from Emanuelle in America. 

Wilson gets the best line of the movie when she tells about some of the women she’s encountered:  “If they don’t give you a big hand, they might as well give you the clap!”

AKA:  Porno Nights Around the World 2.  AKA:  Scandinavian Erotica.  AKA:  Sexy Night Report No. 2.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLACK DEEP THROAT (1977) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

Trailblazing trans exploitation movie star Ajita Wilson stars as an ace reporter sent to do a story on a sex guru.  Meanwhile, she’s got a hot lead on a story about an exclusive sex club that caters to the rich and elite that could make or break her career.  Adding to her troubles is the fact that her on again/off again bout of nymphomania is decidedly on again. 

Produced by the legendary international czar of sleaze, Dick (Pieces) Randall, Black Deep Throat is certainly a curiosity piece.  You might think it’s a porno because of the title.  Although there are certainly moments that flirt with XXX (like the scene where Wilson seduces a man and his roommate or the final orgy sequence), it’s more of a Woodward and Bernstein deal than a Lovelace and Reems.  That said, once the action switches to the sex club, it becomes more or less nonstop softcore sex.  These scenes aren’t exactly great, but you have to admire the devotion to quantity over quality. 

Despite its appearance in Severin’s The Sensual World of Black Emanuelle box sex, this isn’t really a Black Emanuelle movie.  (Although it plays like a loose remake of Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade).  However, the participation of Wilson, who starred in Joe D’Amato’s Porno Nights of the World No. 2, certainly makes it adjacent to the Black Emanuelle series.  That makes it close enough for me. 

Wilson is as intriguing as always, even if her sex scenes are filmed indifferently.  The highlight is when she gets to second base with a lesbian while riding horseback.  The finale where she dons a black hood as is passed around like a party favor is decent too.

Too bad the pacing is on the slow side as it’s padded with long establishing shots and draggy scenes of Wilson walking through the streets of Paris.  (The score is pretty snappy though.)  The twist ending is kind of dark too, and while it doesn’t really stick the landing, I admire the attempt to do something a little different with the typical formula. 

Wilson gets the best line of the movie when she tells her co-worker the sex club has “Hot and cold running sex!”

AKA:  Queen of Sex.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE: A WOMAN FROM A HOT COUNTRY (1978) **

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

Stuart Whitman and Laura Gemser are two strangers fleeing unhappy relationships.  They meet while hitchhiking and relate flashbacks to one another.  Eventually, the pair fall in love… or at least… in lust with each other. 

Despite the antics of two dopey truckers getting laid by a woman who turns tricks out of an auto parts store, this is a slow-moving melodrama for the most part.  At least Gemser has a couple of solid nude scenes that keep you from becoming completely disinterested.  One memorable bit involves her trying on apparel in front of her real-life hubby, Gabriele Tinti, before he seductively dresses her in her new garments.  Other decent sequences involve her going for a literal roll in the hay and encountering a sex guru.  

Laura spends a lot of screen time wearing a sharp looking fedora and is dubbed by a woman with a thick Midwest accent, which is good for a laugh or two if you ask me.  In addition to Tinti, the movie also manages to keep the animal cruelty motif of the series going with the scene where alligators are hunted.  To add to the tastelessness, this scene is intercut with Laura banging a one-legged man.  You know, because nothing gets you going like scenes of an amputee busting his nut while gators are being killed.  Speaking of editing, the back-and-forth structure doesn’t do the film any favors either.  To add insult to injury, the scenes with Whitman and Gemser are kinda dull, and they have zero chemistry together. 

Even with the gratuitous nudity by Laura, the film just isn’t nearly as exploitative (or fun) as the best of the fake Emanuelle movies.  (Thankfully, Whitman keeps his clothes on.)  While there are a few nice moments here, overall, this Emanuelle feels like she came from a temperate zone rather than a hot country. 

AKA:  Fury.  AKA:  Emotional Exchange.  AKA:  Woman from the Torrid Land.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AMORE LIBERO: FREE LOVE (1974) **

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

A young engineer named Francesco (Enzo Bottesini) comes to a beautiful island to begin construction on a silver mine.  Since a sexy local girl named Janine (Laura Gemser, making her film debut and billed simply as “Emanuelle”) likes to frolic in the nude, it makes it difficult to get any work done.  Work comes to a crashing halt when the pair start balling all over the place.  However, a series of accidents also prevent him from going back to work.  It also seems that the man Francesco’s replacing happened to meet an untimely end on the island.  By the way things are looking, there’s a good chance he is going to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps. 

Amore Libero:  Free Love is one part “Average Schmo Taking in the Picturesque Local Color’ movie and one part skin flick.  The lackadaisical pace doesn’t do it any favors, and the plot meanders like a sumbitch.  That being said, Gemser finds lots of excuses to get naked, so it’s not all bad.   (We also get an eyeful of Olga Bisera, who makes a terrific entrance doing a Lady Godiva number.)

Even though it’s not part of the “official” Emanuelle series, there are scenes of animal cruelty that occasionally rear their head, so it at least feels like a continuation.  The scene where Gemser punches a turtle (!) is odd, but the tasteless moment when a bat is skinned and crucified was unnecessary.  The half-assed horror elements that crop up in the second half are pretty unsuccessful too.  Plus, it almost feels like they forgot to film an ending as everything is wrapped up via a way-too convenient voiceover in the end. 

Still, it’s obvious that even early in her career, Gemser had the “It Factor”.  She’s able to overcome a weak script on sheer beauty alone and has plenty of screen presence to boot.  About halfway through, there’s a great trippy sequence set against an aquatic backdrop that showcases and repackages all her nude scenes into one psychedelic burst of cinema.  For the most part, the movie itself if kind of a dud, but it still remains worth watching for fans of Gemser.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LOOKING GOOD WITH LAURA GEMSER (1980) *

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 27th, 2009)

Back in the ‘80s, everyone had an exercise video.  Jane Fonda, Dixie Carter, and even Ginger Lynn all tried to get everyone off the couches and into shape.  Of all the A-List, B-List, and C-List celebrities that starred in their own workout tape, Laura Gemser’s has to be the strangest.  Not that I claim to be an expert in the field.  I mean, the last workout video I watched was the Cindy Crawford one and I wasn’t exactly watching that for the aerobics if you know what I mean and I think you do.  

 

It’s not the fact that Gemser is such a low rent celebrity that makes this flick so downright weird.  I mean, I’m a big fan of Gemser’s Black Emanuelle series and I jumped at the chance to see this.  (I’ve watched worse movies that held less promise.)  But nothing, NOTHING could have prepared me for… THIS.  I have to go on record here by saying that Gemser’s foray into the exercise video field, Looking Good with Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking workout video I have ever seen in my life.

 

Scratch that:  Looking Good with Laura Gemser is the single most bizarre fucking THING I have ever seen in my life.

 

God where do I begin?  Let’s start with the fact that Laura DOESN’T EVEN DO ANY OF THE FUCKING EXERCISES!  Mostly, she just sits in a huge wicker chair and commands everyone else to do the exercises while she delivers a monotone voiceover.  Early in the video, she tells us that she does these exercises to maintain her figure because she’s a movie star and stuff.  We never once though see her do anything other than some simple stretches.  Sometimes they’ll cut to a close-up of her on the floor smiling after the exercise is over and done with to make it look like she really did it but even a near-sighted four-year-old could tell you she didn’t do shit.

 

I think the most hilarious part was when she says that “anyone can do these exercises” including her instructor, who happens to be PREGNANT.  I know these exercises are decidedly low impact so I’m sure a preggo person could do it, but does that mean that at the end of the video Gemser can SIT on top of the poor pregnant woman like she was a human throne?  I can hear her now.  “Hey pregnant lady, go do all these exercises.  Oh wait, are you tired?  Here lay flat on your belly on the floor and prop your feet upwards.  Why?  Because I’m going to SIT ON YOU LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN THRONE GODDAMN IT, THAT’S WHY!”

 

The program is only an hour long, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t seem a Hell of a lot longer.  To add insult to injury, just about half the goddamn video is filmed in slow motion.  I’m guessing if they didn’t do that, the video would’ve only been about 25 minutes.  To further pad the running time, the last ten minutes of the video is a “freestyle” dance session where all the women just uh… dance.  They even do The Robot at one point.  I’m not kidding.

 

Folks, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

 

How do I even issue a star rating for this thing?  Judging Looking Good with Laura Gemser for what it was intended is an easy task.  No one in their right mind would ever do any of these exercises.  No one in their right mind could stand the nausea inducing slow motion.  No one in their right mind would trust an exercise video by someone who was too lazy to do the exercises themselves.  No one in their right mind would follow the advice of anyone who sat on a pregnant lady.  So, in that respect, the flick gets No Stars.  BUT… since this is the looniest shit I’ve ever laid eyes on; I have to give it at least One Star for the utter absurdity of it all.

 

Laura’s best instruction:  “Sweat!  That’s what I want you to do!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE DIRTY SEVEN (1983) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 28th, 2012, as part of the It Came from the Thrift column)

Today’s It Came from the Thrift Store column will be less of a movie review and more of an exploration of how home video companies used deceiving marketing to lure unsuspecting customers into renting the same movie under different titles. This was common practice in the '80s. Back before IMDB, VHS lovers like myself had only a few resources to turn to like Psychotronic magazine and Video Watchdog to keep track of ever-changing exploitation titles. Getting duped into buying The Dirty Seven at the Thrift Store was like taking a time machine back to the ‘80s.

The Dirty Seven, by its cover, makes the movie look and sound like a cheap Dirty Dozen rip-off. The only reason I spent 50 cents on it was the fact that Laura Gemser was in it. Gemser of course was famous for playing Emanuelle and since she is one of my favorite actresses, I figured I’d pick it up.

Flash forward to today when I finally popped the tape on. Right from the get-go, I knew it kinda looked familiar. As it turns out, The Dirty Seven is actually an alternate cut of Emanuelle, Queen of the Desert, a movie I’ve owned on DVD for the past decade or so!

Now I’ve accidentally bought the same movie twice on a couple of occasions and like any consumer, I felt burned when it happened. What takes the sting out of The Dirty Seven (aside from only paying 50 cents that is) is the fact that this is the ORIGINAL cut of the film. In this version, the story is told in a straightforward fashion. The version under the Emanuelle moniker severely re-cuts and re-edits the film so that Gemser appears more or less throughout the movie. In this version, she sadly doesn’t show up until about the forty-minute mark.

I guess I should talk about the plot a bit, since it’s slightly different in this version. A group of soldiers get double crossed and are forced to wander through the desert carrying their wounded captain. When he dies, the men turn into savages and rape an innocent farm girl. Tired and thirsty, they press on through the desert where they encounter a mysterious woman named Shiela (Gemser) who systematically seduces and kills them.

While it’s fascinating seeing this film in its original form, I have to say that the flick plays a lot better as an Emanuelle movie. That’s mostly because Gemser is more or less front and center (there’s even a great title sequence where she runs around naked). Still, in this form the soldier’s brutality and subsequent comeuppance plays a little stronger, so it has that going for it.

As a movie, The Dirty Seven is about middle of the road. As a curiosity piece, it’s at least worth a look; especially if you’re a fan of Emanuelle, Queen of the Desert. Besides any exploitation movie fan should never pass up an opportunity to see Laura Gemser naked.

Best line: “’Murderer’ is tattooed on your bloody soul!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE, QUEEN OF THE DESERT (1983) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Emanuelle, Queen of the Desert kicks off with a great montage of Laura Gemser looking longing at the camera and getting naked in exotic locations.  Then, the plot begins.  A soldier stumbles upon Gemser (who plays “Shelia” and not Emanuelle, despite the title) bathing in a river.  She seduces him and then leads him to his death.  She later uses her feminine wiles to turn the other troops in his platoon against one another. 

This is a re-edited and rereleased version of a war movie called The Dirty Seven (which is also included in The Sensuous World of Black Emmanuelle box set).  The distributors wisely cut it down and rearranged the scenes to frontload the picture with most of Gemser’s footage appearing in the first act and the stuff with the troops is now more or less an extended flashback.  It all results in a decent fake Emanuelle movie. 

Gemser fares well as the sexy seductress with a secret.  She turns in one of her best performances and suggests she was a better actress than her exploitation-heavy filmography may suggest.  She’s different than the typical Emanuelle character as she doesn’t use her body for pleasure, but as an instrument of revenge.  Because of the seduce-and-kill motif, it could’ve easily been called Black Widow Emanuelle.  Predictably, the film falters whenever she isn’t on screen as the soldiers’ scenes are competent, but fairly cut and dry for the most part. 

Like most fake Emanuelle movies, Gemser’s husband, Gabriele Tinti also appears.  This time he plays a captive of the soldiers.  In fact, this might be the only time in the “series” where he gets more screen time than she does. 

So, if you’re looking for a straight-up revenge picture, this might do the trick.  Those expecting a more traditional Black Emanuelle movie may be disappointed.  However, fans of Gemser, her performance will make it at least worth watching once.  (Or, twice, if you have a hankering to watch both versions.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LOVE CAMP (1981) ****

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 10th, 2020)

Love Camp is one of Laura Gemser’s best movies, which is really saying something.  Although she looks breathtaking as usual, much of the credit has to go to Christian Anders, who was a one-man wrecking crew on this flick.   He stars, wrote, produced, directed, performed the music, and even sings the theme song, “Love, Love, Love”.  As far as theme songs from Laura Gemser films go, it’s no “Run, Cheetah, Run”, but it’s a decent little toe-tapper.  There are also two other numbers that have to be seen to be believed.  I guess what I’m getting at here is, this is the best rock n’ roll Kung Fu sex cult fake Emanuelle musical of all time.

Anders plays Dorian, who recruits new members for his love cult by singing “Love, Love, Love” on a beach, putting leis around young girls’ necks, and kissing them on the cheek.  Patricia (Simone Brahmann) is a Senator’s daughter who quickly falls under Dorian’s spell.  Dorian’s goddess is “The Divine One” (the one and only Laura Gemser) who wants to bring Patricia into the fold and steal all her money so she can set up a new, expanded sex cult.  

You see, the place is in financial straits, and in order to fund their operations, Dorian keeps a few girls in a makeshift bordello where customers give “donations” to the cult in exchange for sex.  Meanwhile, inside the walls of the camp, cult members play Ring Around the Rosie naked, paint nude figure models, hold rock concerts, and even practice karate!  Gemser’s real-life husband Gabrielle Tinti is the police inspector working undercover as a cult member who’s trying to bust Gemser and shut the place down.

We all know Gemser is one of the screen’s greatest sex goddesses, but in Love Camp she actually gets to play one.  I especially loved the scene when a couple announces they're monogamous, and the irate Gemser has them whipped!  Later on, when she feels she has failed her God, she even whips herself!  That’s dedication!  Another thing that makes her an ideal goddess is that whenever one of her followers wants to make love to her, she readily plops down and lets them go to town!  Man, give me some of that old-time religion!  That’s not even mentioning the great final scene when she literally goes out with a bang!

Even if Love Camp was nothing more than wall-to-wall fucking and non-stop scenes of Gemser getting naked (which is exactly what it is), it would still be enormously entertaining.  The thing that elevates the film into the ranks of the greatest fake Emanuelle movies of all time is the kitchen sink approach.  The inclusion of the then ripped-from-the-headlines Jim Jones plotline is just macabre enough to give the picture an extra dimension of sleaze.  Then, there are the full-on rock n’ roll numbers that are equal parts patented ridiculousness and flat-out awesomeness.  I guarantee your jaw will drop more than a few times while watching this one.

What I’m getting at is, this is yet another gem from Gemser.  Any Gemser fan worth their salt will want to check it out immediately.  If you’ve never heard of Gemser or seen a fake Emanuelle movie, I highly recommend Love Camp.  It just might change your religion.

AKA:  Divine Emanuelle.  AKA:  Love Cult.  AKA:  Divine Emanuelle:  Love Cult.  AKA:  Death Goddess of the Love Camp.

NOTE:  Also included on the Severin’s The Sensual World of Black Emanuelle box set was the original work print version of Love Camp, entitled Fanatico:  When the Goddess Calls….  It’s missing some of the gratuitous sex of the release version and some scenes are shown in a different order.  New sequences include an origin story of the goddess’ manservant where he saves her from being attacked by lepers and she heals him of his festering wounds.  There’s also a scene where she sacrifices a goat and drinks its blood, as well as a small Last Supper-inspired bit where Gemser proclaims during a meal that’s she knows a follower will betray her. 

Of these moments, the only one that really works is the former because it fleshes out the bodyguard’s backstory and makes his final sacrifice in the end make a bit more sense.  Overall, I think I enjoyed the final theatrical version better, but for fans of the film, this cut offers a few unique glimpses of what could’ve been. 

BIGFOOT VS. MEGALODON (2021) ½ *

You know, when you’re scrolling through Tubi, and you see a movie with a title like Bigfoot vs. Megalodon, you’ve just got to watch it.  Sadly, the flick seems to work overtime to give you as little Bigfoot vs. Megalodon action as possible.  Speaking as someone who spent an entire year watching bad movies on Tubi, you would’ve thought I had learned my lesson by now.

The first eight minutes or so is a breathlessly paced hodgepodge of longwinded exposition, random stock images, and painful CGI.  In fact, there are no actual humans in this, if you can believe it.  It’s essentially an animated movie, which somehow makes the whole thing even worse. 

Anyway, let me see if I got this right:  In the year 4045, Joseph Stalin and Aleister Crowley have been resurrected as aliens who are trying to conquer the galaxy.  Two robot/clones working alongside Bigfoot try to stop them.  Meanwhile, a shark man (who looks like a poor man’s King Shark with a Dr. Claw voice) throws his hat in the ring for galactic domination. 

God, where to begin with this one?  The bizarre use of stock images and file footage playing over long exposition scenes is downright puzzling.  The overuse of repeated scenes, but with different dialogue, is irritating.  The static CGI shots that look like cut scenes from a video game are awful.  Most disappointing is the fact that Bigfoot (who looks like an early FX test for the CGI werewolves in An American Werewolf in Paris) spends most of his time walking down the corridors of the spaceship.  To make matters worse, the titular titans don’t even fight one another… EVER!  What can you say about a movie that can’t even deliver on what it promises in the title?

While this movie is freaking terrible right from the get-go, I can’t completely hate it for the scene where the two Daft Punk-inspired robots have a fight about starting a family and the girlfriend (who is desperate to have a baby) says, “I’m getting tired of wiping future generations off my belly!”

THE FIRESIGN THEATRE PRESENTS HOT SHORTS (1983) ***

Hot Shorts is the follow-up to the Firesign Theatre’s J-Men Forever.  Like that flick, it’s an assemblage of clips from various old serials from the ‘40s that have been redubbed and given new comedy plotlines.  Only this time, instead of having a linear plot, it’s just a few unconnected shorts, which kind of makes it go down smoother.  Basically, it’s a precursor to (and was a big influence on) Mystery Science Theater 3000.  

The first serial has a Mountie trying to round up a villain named “Herpes”.  The next is about a heist at a sperm bank by villains who want to clone Richard Nixon.  Then, we have a tale about smokers going to war with non-smokers and the only one who can save them is a superhero named Captain Smoke Stopper.  Next up is a tale of Nazis cooking up a devilish diet plan.  That’s followed by a short about a pair of secret agents named Ken and Barbie trying to stop a pirate who’s selling knockoff toys.  Then, there’s a short about moviemakers heading into the jungle to sign a stand-up comedian (who just so happens to be a giant lobster) for their next picture.  After that, we have a tale of a Russian scientist using steroids (and robots) to win the next Olympics.  The next segment involves operatives from “Big Brother” trying to take control of the last gun on Earth.  The final short is about the ramifications of God allowing Californians into Heaven. 

I remember staying up late and watching this as a kid back in the day on Night Flight and loving it, even if much of the jokes went over my head.  Viewing it now, it’s more than a little uneven in spots, and is overall pretty rough around the edges.  However, that’s part of its charm.  Sure, there are some long stretches between the laughs, but when it hits the sweet spot of surreal serial silliness, it really works.  (It helps too if you’re a fan of some of the serials featured like The Undersea Kingdom and Radar Men from the Moon.)  They definitely knew what they were doing playing it late at night on Night Flight because it plays much better if you’re a little loopy, sleep deprived, and/or stoned. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PORNO ESOTIC LOVE (1980) * ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Laura Gemser has a dream of a girl having an interracial threesome on the beach.  Then, she finds her roommate dead of an overdose.  Afterwards, she is whisked away on an assignment by her newspaper to infiltrate and bust a heroin operation. 

Directed by Joe D’Amato, Porno Esotic Love plays like a half-assed Emanuelle movie with XXX scenes.  In fact, it uses whole sequences from Black Cobra as padding and/or plot filler.  (D’Amato did one better when he made Emanuelle’s Perverse Outburst as he used scenes from both this, Black Cobra, AND Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade.)  Watching all four movies in rapid succession is a bit of a trip.  I’m in awe of how Joe was able to use the same footage four times in a row and simply dub in different dialogue to make a “new” film.  Sadly, being “in awe” doesn’t equal “entertained by”.  If you’ve never seen any of the movies I’ve mentioned, you might enjoy it.  (And that’s a big might.)  For someone who just watched the same scenes in four different movies in two days, I have to tell you, it was a bit numbing.  

What’s particularly interesting is the fact that the scenes of Black Cobra worked so well in their proper context.  Now, they seem languid and half-baked when haphazardly placed in a slipshod and confusing narrative.  The new plot scenes are mostly boring.  There’s an especially long scene of Gemser and a gal pal shopping that just feels like gratuitous padding.  

For a movie called Porno Esotic Love, there’s not much love here.  I’m not even sure what the heck “Esotic” means, but I’ll be damned if I could find anything esotic about it.  (I think something got lost in translation here.  I don’t know if they were going for “Erotic” or “Exotic”, but they misspelled the hell out of it either way.)  At least there’s some porno in there.  Too bad the hardcore footage we get isn’t much to write home about as most of the scenes are indifferently performed and staged. 

AKA:  Exotic Love.  AKA:  Sexy Erotic Love.  AKA:  Porno Exotic Love.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE’S PERVERSE OUTBURST (1983) * ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

If you come down with an overly powerful feeling of déjà vu while watching Emanuelle’s Perverse Outburst, don’t worry, it’s not you.  Ever the thrifty economical hackmeister, director Joe D’Amato took a bunch of scenes from previous Black Emanuelle movies starring Laura Gemser, re-edited the footage, redubbed the dialogue, and turned it into a “new movie”.  Most of the footage comes from Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade, Black Cobra, and Porno Esotic Love.  Honestly, you’re better off watching any of those other flicks in their entirety instead of sitting through this cobbled-together mess. 

At least D’Amato was smart enough to toss in some hardcore footage so we wouldn’t get too bored.  Sometimes though, the quality of the film stock drops depending on what movie Joe is culling from.  It all makes for a very slapdash affair.

The plot, such as it is, is basically a rehashing of Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade as Emanuelle goes on assignment to infiltrate a shady organization ran by Gabriele Tinti.  Since Tinti was in so many Emanuelle movies alongside his wife, Gemser, that means he can show up in scenes from several different films and still be passed off as the same “character”.  Later, she gets tangled up with some double agents who are trying to get their hands on some microfilm.  Not that the plot matters in a paste-up job like this, but it’s frustrating to watch a movie in which nothing really happens and the whole thing just sort of ends… even if it does feature scads of nudity.   Oh, and the new soundtrack is ill-fitting and sometimes borderline racist (I’m thinking specifically of the Hong Kong scenes). 

One thing is for certain:  Emanuelle’s Perverse Outburst is a great title.  If only the film could live up to it.  I have a feeling D’Amato came up with the title, realized he couldn’t get Gemser to make another movie with him, and then just reassembled old footage and sold it under the admittedly awesome title.  If you’re unfamiliar with the series, this might be an OK primer, even if it often feels like it was edited with a chainsaw and tree sap.  Die-hard fans of the series might watch it just as an excuse to see Gemser naked again.  Still, even as repackaged clip shows go, it comes up short. 

And despite the title, Emanuelle never does have a perverse outburst, so I have to subtract a Half-Star off for that. 

AKA:  Unleashed Perversions of Emanuelle.  AKA:  Manuela.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLACK VELVET (1976) ½ *

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 1st, 2008 under the title Black Emanuelle, White Emanuelle)

BLACK EMANUELLE, WHITE EMANUELLE (1976) ½ * - The Video Vacuum — LiveJournal

(Note:  This review was originally considered too saucy for Blogger, so I'm just posting a link to my original review from my LiveJournal days.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLACK COBRA (1976) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

Laura Gemser stars as Eva, a dancer who goes to Hong Kong to perform a sexy snake dance.  There, she meets a pair of brothers named Jules (Gabriele Tinti) and Judas (Jack Palance) who become smitten with her.  Judas is a rich, eccentric snake collector who’s better with snakes than he is with people.  He soon becomes obsessed with Eva and longs to possess her.  Soon, he makes her his kept woman, but problems arise when she falls in love with another woman. 

Hey, wait a second.  Gemer’s character is named Eva, which is a form of “Eve”.  She has a snake.  Palance’s character is named Judas.  Tinti’s character’s initials are “J.C.”.  So, if you can’t already tell, it’s all very Biblical.  I can’t remember if the part where a guy gets a snake shoved up his ass is in the Bible or not though.  Maybe. 

Black Cobra is another concoction from Joe D’Amato and Bruno Mattei, and it’s a little different than their usual fare.  It’s fast-moving, well-acted, and slightly classier than their typical output (only slightly).  It’s especially fun seeing Palance slumming in something like this.  He gets a great scene where he takes Gemser to his home and frightens her with his snake collection.  I mean, we’ve all been there before.  Right, guys?  We bring a hot date home, and she runs for the hills as soon as you show her your snake. 

D’Amato gives Gemser plenty of opportunities to strip down, dance with her snake, receive full body massages, and take showers.  Even though it’s not part of the “official” Black Emanuelle series (which is already unofficial to begin with), there is a scene set in a lesbian only club that’s just like Porno Nights of the World, and the part where Tinti uses a snake as a marital aid is kind of like Emanuelle Around the World. 

I’m not sure if the presence of a star like Palance put D’Amato on his best behavior or what, but he equips himself nicely when he’s trying to turn out a more “legitimate” product.  Don’t let words like “classy” and “legitimate” fool you.  This is still chockfull of nudity and even some scenes of animal cruelty.  (A mouse is eaten by a snake and a snake is skinned alive and eaten.)  However, the film is more psychological than exploitative,  and is easily one of the best in the “unofficial” Black Emanuelle series. 

AKA:  Black Cobra Woman.  AKA:  Erotic Eva.  AKA:  Hot Pants.  AKA:  Emanuelle and the Deadly Black Cobra.  AKA:  Emanuelle Goes Japanese.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: WOMEN’S PRISON MASSACRE (1982) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

This is one of the sickest women in prison movies EVER! It was directed, under a pseudonym by Italian schlockmeister Bruno Mattei and stars Laura Gemser as Emanuelle. (It was released in Italy as an Emanuelle movie.)

During the opening credits, Emanuelle stars in an artsy fartsy prison play and promptly gets a tomato thrown in her face, inciting a riot. The next day at lunch, the main bitchy prisoner, Albina challenges Emanuelle to an arm wrestling match, then later tries to beat her up in the bathroom and Emanuelle rips off Alibina’s wig and beats her with it! Meanwhile a gang of male prisoners led by Crazy Boy (Gemser’s real life husband Gabrielle Tinti) are transferred to the women’s prison. They get loose, take the warden hostage, and hole up in a cell block. The gang revels in torturing, killing and raping the female inmates. One guy, Blade uses a razor to cut the girls up. In one of the most sickest acts of revenge ever witnessed on celluloid, the girl takes his razor, puts it in a cork and sticks it up her coochie with the razor facing outward. Then she seduces Blade and when he rapes her… UGH! You won’t even notice the lackluster prison break finale, cuz you’ll still be cringing from the penis slicing scene.

This was sort of a sequel to Mattei’s Violence in a Women’s Prison. Gemser somehow manages to keep her clothes on for this one, but the sheer amount of sleaze, bad dubbing, and hateful dialogue (“I’ll bite your nipples off! And I’ll do it too”!) more than makes up for it.

AKA: Emanuelle Escapes Hell. AKA: Blade Violent.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VIOLENCE IN A WOMEN’S PRISON (1982) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Laura Gemser once again plays Emanuelle, fearless reporter and tireless fornicator. This time, she checks herself into a hellhole prison (is there any other kind?) to expose the corrupt warden who cruelly violates her prisoners and makes them participate in her lewd voyeuristic sex acts. The standout scene is when Emanuelle is sent to solitary confinement and is attacked by an army of mealy ass rats. There’s also a pretty good scene where she throws a bucket of poo on some guards too.

Too bad director Bruno (Night of the Zombies) Mattei doesn’t push the envelope a bit farther. He gives us some lesbian scenes and a dash of sadism, but there are countless other women in prison flicks out there that would gladly give us higher sleaze content for our money. I mean what can you say about a women in prison movie that doesn’t have ONE shower scene? Mattei and Gemser returned the next year with the much better Women’s Prison Massacre.

AKA: Chicks in Chains. AKA: Emanuelle Reports from a Women’s Prison. AKA: Emanuelle in Hell. AKA: Women’s Penitentiary 4.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE AND THE WHITE SLAVE TRADE (1978) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on February 28th, 2008)

Laura Gemser returns as Emanuelle in the fifth and final installment of the series from Italian sleaze guru Joe D’Amato.  This time out, Emanuelle takes on the white slave trade but BEFORE she does that, she masturbates while she watches her friend fuck a black mechanic, goes on an African safari, has a lesbian tryst in the shower, balls a wealthy prince, smokes a hookah in India, has a threeway, watches a nude photo shoot in New York and makes love in a darkroom.  THEN she decides to do an expose about white slavers.

 

When she tries to escape (with the help of a friendly transvestite) she gets captured and nearly gets lobotomized by the evil doctors at “The Clinic”.  Fortunately, she escapes in a laundry basket, hops aboard a ship home and balls the crew to pay for her voyage. 

 

With Emanuelle and the White Slave Trade, D’Amato delivers a rather tame entry in the durable series.  I’ll admit that watching Emanuelle in America probably jaded me (Who could forget the immortal horse masturbation scene?), but EATWST has a feeling of been-there-done-that (D’Amato even takes to recycling whole scenes from Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals) that knocks things down a notch or two.  Having said that, D’Amato does film THE definite transvestite Kung Fu fight in a bowling alley scene in the history of the cinema, so that’s worth something at least.

 

Although it takes Emanuelle FOREVER to get to the damn slavers, once she does things start to perk up considerably.  (Like my penis.)  Despite the relatively low sleaze quotient in this one, Gemser looks amazing as always and there is plenty of female flesh on display to make any fan of the series happy.  Gemser’s husband and frequent co-star in these movies, Gabriele Tinti has a small role as a slaver.  There’s also a great stream of consciousness theme song called “Run Cheetah Run” that has to be heard to be believed.  Here’s just a sample: 

 

Run cheetah run on the prairie, Shamu rapid cheetah is here.  

 

You feel his breath on your back; your heart is breaking, his clothes lapse.

 

His clothes LAPSE?!?  I’m sure something got lost in the translation there, but “Run Cheetah Run” is a hilarious oddity that will probably stay in your head longer than anything else in the movie. 

 

AKA:  Emanuelle and the Girls of Madame Claude. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SISTER EMANUELLE (1977) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 20th, 2007)

The sex starved Emanuelle (Laura Gemser) is back in the habit literally this time, renouncing her sinful ways and becoming a nun! Say it isn’t so! The story has Emanuelle and a wrinkled up old nun transporting a teenage trollop named Monica (Monica Zanchi) to a remote convent where they hope to instill her with the word of God. Monica will not be so easily converted though, and she quickly starts seducing people left and right, starting with her bookworm roommate. When a wanted criminal (Gabriele Tinti, Gemser’s real life husband and frequent co-star) hides out in the convent, Monica wastes no time hopping in the sack with him. Together, he and Monica conspire to set Emanuelle’s cooled loins afire.

There’s a lot of sexual tension between Zanchi and Gemser, but it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that Emanuelle’s gonna end up turning into a slut again. While the sex scenes are plentiful, there’s really little variation between them or the actors (most of them are lesbian scenes involving Zanchi) and lack the flair (and sleaze) of previous installments. And although the film is stylish and features a lot of Zanchi in various states of undress, it’s also very episodic and sluggishly paced. It also loses points for tossing out one of those annoying “it was all a dream” endings too.

Emanuelle fans will be disappointed to learn that since Gemser spends most the movie in a nun’s habit (it takes about a half hour for her to finally show a little skin and well over an hour to get a little something-something) it leaves little time for her to get naked, but I suppose it’s worth it because she’s so damn hot. Even though she spends most the movie as a spectator and not a participant, Gemser is still radiant as always. Zanchi is also very hot and usually ends up getting naked in nearly every scene, so that’s a plus. Of the badly dubbed dialogue, the older nun gets the best line when she says, “Bladder trouble is God’s punishment for sinful flesh!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE AND THE PORNO NIGHTS OF THE WORLD (1978) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

After a one film absence, Emanuelle (Laura Gemser) came back for this second sequel to Porno Nights of the World.  She begins our journey of perversion with a drive down the Las Vegas Strip.  Once she’s back in her home, she tells us about seance where the spirits possess the female participants into disrobing.  We then witness a black magic ritual that ends in an orgy, an adult carnival with midway games that give away blow-up dolls instead of kewpie dolls, a magician who makes audience members’ clothes disappear, and a stripper whose costume is made up entirely of ribbons, and her customers must pay to pull each strand. 

In a scene reminiscent of Emanuelle in America, a stripper named Lady Godiva lets her horse get into the act, if you know what I mean.  Trans exploitation star Ajita Wilson (who starred in Porno Nights of the World No. 2) makes a cameo photographing an orgy.  Next, Ajita takes in a lesbian live sex show.   There’s also a private club where a male bodybuilder causes the clientele (mostly a bunch of old ladies) to writhe back and forth in ecstasy, a behind the scenes look at the making of a porno that ends with filming a scene where an actress plays hide the snake literally (perhaps a callback to the infamous scene in Emanuelle Around the World), an S & M club where a woman escapes her ropes before banging two guys dressed like gangsters from the ‘40s onstage, a club in Montreal that specializes in “bubble bath boxing”, a sci-fi themed nude ballet, a televised striptease competition where the rowdy crowd pelts the losers with rotten vegetables, and a coed nude beauty contest. 

My favorite bit had an unhappy housewife bringing her husband to Tokyo to receive a penis transplant.  This scene contains some really fake looking prosthesis and phony looking gore during the operation.  The stereotyped dubbing on the Japanese doctors is hilariously bad too.  Another highlight is a cabaret act featuring “Snow White” and her four dwarfs.  (Gemser explains the other three “Got jobs as short order cooks”!) 

The most tasteless scene occurs in the New Guinea segment where tribesmen go through great lengths to ensure their bride is a virgin on their wedding night.  Footage of the (obviously faked) wedding night is intercut with real shots of piglets being beaten and butchered, which was totally unnecessary. 

Once again directed by the duo of Bruno Mattei and Joe D’Amato, Emanuelle and the Porno Nights of the World may not be as entertaining overall as its predecessor, but it is a little bit more consistent from segment to segment.  It also benefits from a snappier pace and some humorous commentary by Gemser.  (“What would you do if a flying saucer landed in your cabbage patch?”)  If you go into it knowing what you’re in for, I’d say you probably won’t walk away disappointed.

AKA:  Emanuelle and the Erotic Nights.

ABDUCTED BY THE DALEKS (2005) **

I’ve never been much of a Doctor Who fan, but when I found out about this Skinamax spoof, I knew I had to check it out. 

Four hot babes are on a road trip when they run over an alien.  They then wander around the forest in the dark for what feels like an eternity.  They eventually lose their clothes and wind up being abducted by the Daleks (FINALLY!). 

All the ladies have really thick accents, so it’s hard to make out what they’re saying.  In fact, the robotic voices of the Daleks are easier to understand than the actresses.  Not that it matters much, especially when the actresses are naked so often.  Thankfully, it’s only fifty-five minutes long, but even then, it wears out its welcome way before the end credits even have a chance to roll. 

This doesn’t even feel like a “real” movie.  It’s more like a softcore fan film.  (There are some moments that flirt with hardcore.)   The Daleks themselves are well done though.  It’s possible they were using real props from the show, but then again, what do I know?

Oh, and I’m not one to kink shame, but this didn’t do much for me.  I’m sure that 1% of the population with an S & M Doctor Who fetish is gonna LOOOOVE it.  I guess it starts out well enough for what it is, but it sort of loses whatever steam it’s built up when the girls are menaced by masked killers in the woods instead of the cheesy robots.  Then again, your mileage may vary. 

It's all very cheap and very dumb.  Then again, so is Doctor Who.  But since this has tons of boobs, I’d say it’s a lot better than that BBC shit.  

This will probably be a wet dream for Doctor Who nerds.  It might work as a curio for nudie movie fans.  Everyone else will be understandably perplexed.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PORNO NIGHTS OF THE WORLD (1977) ** ½

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

Laura Gemser stars in this (fake) Mondo movie in character as Emanuelle.  She’s your hostess for a visual tour of the world’s naughtiest nightclubs where anything can happen.  One club features a stripper who takes it off for a man in a shoddy ape costume before doing it on stage.  Later, another dancer strips for a dog and lets it lick her bush, which gives a whole new meaning to the term “lapdance”.  There’s also a club in Hong Kong that caters to lesbians and a segment on a dancer named “Butterfly” who does performs tricks with golden ping pong balls. 

We also get a glimpse of sexual customs and oddities from around the globe.  In Paris, a hooker works out of a storefront window in the red-light district, and another has her own private nude roller rink.  Elsewhere in India,  ancient fertility rites are still being practiced (“That’s right my friends, this is going on today in the atomic space age”), in Amsterdam we visit a “sex school”, Berlin is the site of a “most beautiful breasts” competition (“Who will win and who will get the booby prize?”), in Bangkok there’s a den of inequity which is a combination of massage parlor and barbershop, and in Brazil, we see a macumba ritual.  There’s also an expose on “Taxi Mothers” who pimp their daughters out to wealthy businessmen, and a funny scene where hundreds of women gather to watch a super stud named Omar bang a bunch of women on stage (one of whom is Uschi Digart). 

Other nightclub acts include a magician who performs a sex change on his assistant (thanks to some editing), intergender mud wresting, and a dancer named “Lollipop” who encourages audience participation.  Later, the magician returns to invite couples on stage for a game of “Guess the Fanny”, and an Arab couple have to pantomime their lovemaking in a club to adhere to strict local policy. 

This is kind of an interesting, if not entirely successful, way to simultaneously ride the wave of both the Mondo movie craze and the Emanuelle franchise.  (It also manages to keep the bestiality theme of the Emanuelle series going.)  Oh, and if the scene of cannibal castration looks familiar, it’s because they were taken from Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals. 

Directed by the one-two combo of Bruno Mattei and Joe D’Amato, Porno Nights of the World is a grab bag of oddball exploitation elements.  Because of its very nature, it’s uneven as all get out.  The upshot is that most sequences are short, which means they don’t stay on one subject for too long.  So, if there’s a segment that you don’t much care for, just be patient.  D’Amato and Mattei will be onto a new silly sequence before too long.  All in all, it’s not nearly as successful or fun as something like D’Amato’s similar Crazy Nights, but it works more often than not. 

AKA:  Sexy Night Report.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS (1977) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY 

While Emanuelle (Laura Gemser) is undercover in a women’s mental hospital, she witnesses a patient bite off a nurse’s nipple.  She does some digging and learns the patient was an escapee from a long thought lost tribe of cannibals in the Amazon.  She then takes a trip down river to do a story on the tribe, and naturally gets more than she bargained for. 

The Emmanuelle series had already dabbled in horror and gore with the snuff scenes in Emanuelle in America.  This time around, director Joe D’Amato leans heavy into the gore with this entry meant to capitalize on the cannibal movie craze of the late ‘70s.  While it doesn’t have the hardcore inserts that the past couple of Emanuelle sequels had, the cannibal gore makes up for the lack of sleaze. 

The film benefits from a disciplined plotline as it lacks the hodgepodge travelogue aspect of the previous entries.  Despite this, there are still some sluggish bits in between the highlights.  In fact, it probably works better as a cannibal movie than an Emanuelle skin flick, if only because there’s so many characters in the expedition that Emanuelle winds up getting lost in the shuffle at about the halfway point.  

The expedition scenes feature all the stock footage shots of animals you might expect from a jungle picture.  However, there are some eerie moments along the way like Emanuelle hiding her camera in the head of a creepy doll and every time she presses the shutter, its eyes close.  There’s also a memorable scene where Emanuelle Interrogates the prisoner in a straitjacket by fondling her.  The gore includes castration, eyeball eating, nipple ripping, gut munching, heads on spikes, spearing, disemboweling, and a man is cut in half during what can only be described as a game of cannibal tug of war.  We also get a snake attack, a narrow quicksand escape, and assorted cannibal traps.

Although her role is somewhat diminished in comparison to other films in the series, Gemser still looks great.  She even gets to bang her real-life husband Gabriele Tinti a few times before finally heading down to cannibal land.  Once there, she bathes nude with a hot beauty while a monkey wearing sunglasses looks on.  If that doesn’t scream “must see”, I don’t know what does.

AKA:  Emanuelle’s Amazon Adventure.  AKA:  Bloody Tracks.  AKA:  Trap Them and Kill Them.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE AROUND THE WORLD (1977) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on September 15th, 2007)

Laura Gemser returns as the beautiful bed hopping, globetrotting reporter Emanuelle in this fourth installment in the “Black Emanuelle” franchise directed by legendary sleaze merchant Joe (Beyond the Darkness) D’Amato. This time she goes from Italy to Hong Kong to The Middle East trying to bust a white slavery operation, while still having the time to hop on over to India to debunk a famous sex guru played by George (The Grim Reaper) Eastman. Oh yeah and she has lots of dirty sex along the way.

While not quite as jaw dropping as Emanuelle in America (hey what could be?), it still features one outrageous scene where the Chinese slaver forces a woman to hump a dog while he puts a snake up another girl’s pussy! It’s not on par with the horse fucking scene from Emanuelle in America, but it will do in a pinch I guess.

Although Gemser is stunning and the sex is plentiful and the film is hardly boring it does make a few missteps here and there. The pacing stops and sputters every time D’Amato frantically whisks Emanuelle off to her next exotic location, often leaving the plot in the dust. (Nearly every scene begins with a voice over conversation to clear up just how the hell Emanuelle got there.) Not that the plot hardly matters in a movie like this, but every time D’Amato introduces a potentially interesting character (like the horribly scarred rapist who looks like Darkman’s inbred uncle) or situation (like when some skuzzy politicians throw a girl to a bunch of homeless dudes who unexpectedly rape her) he ends things so abruptly that we never get a satisfying payoff to these scenes. Like Emanuelle in America, D’Amato tosses in some random ass XXX footage during the sex scenes, but they’re edited in so clumsily that they become devoid of any titillation whatsoever.

Despite these major flaws, Emanuelle Around the World remains highly entertaining and is a must for any Gemser or D’Amato fan. Sadly although we see Emanuelle going around the world we never truly see her go “around the world” if you know what I mean and I think you do.

AKA: Confessions of Emanuelle. AKA: The Degradation of Emanuelle. AKA: Emanuelle Versus Violence to Women.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE IN AMERICA (1977) ****

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LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EMANUELLE IN BANGKOK (1976) ***

“E-‘MAY’-NUELLE”

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on September 15th, 2007)

Sometimes writing the plot synopsis of a movie is kinda tricky because you don’t want to give away certain plot points or little surprises. Other times you want to let everyone know about this one great part to get their attention because that one scene is about all the movie has to offer. This synopsis is quite simple: Emanuelle (Laura Gemser) goes to Bangkok and gets naked and has sex. A lot. I mean seriously, that’s what it’s all about. No plot. No motivation. Just Emanuelle. In Bangkok. Having Sex. Why they didn’t just call the movie Emanuelle in Bangkok Having Sex a Lot is beyond me. (Maybe it wouldn’t fit on the marquee.)

But I’m getting off topic here. Where was I? Oh, anyway, so Emanuelle goes to Bangkok and has sex. A lot. First with an anthropologist (played by her husband Gabriele Tinti), then with a host of others, all the while randomly getting naked every chance she gets. Then she gets a sexy massage from an Asian chick who gives her a bath in a very imaginative way: she jumps in the bubble bath and then rubs herself against Emanuelle’s naked body. Genius. Then she gets naked for her bellhop (who gives her a massage) before going off to watch a stripper pour candle wax all over herself. Next, she participates in a pot fueled orgy before getting ANOTHER massage, this time from studly Ivan Rassimov (who would later go on to star in Emanuelle Around the World and Emanuelle in the Country). And so on, and so on, and so on. At one point she gets gang raped, but her promiscuous level is so high that I’m sure all they had to do was ask.

All this plays against positively one of the goofiest musical scores in the history of cinema. Seriously it sounds like the banjo player from Deliverance teamed up with The New Christy Minstrels and tried to reach that New Age Enya market or something.

Director Joe D’Amato does a credible job with his first entry in the series and gives the fans exactly what they want to see, namely Emanuelle getting naked and having sex a lot. (Sample of a typical scene: Emanuelle walks into a room and disrobes. She notices someone in the next room all hot and heavy. She bones them. Repeat.) He would go on to direct FIVE sequels (some unofficial, but if it features Emanuelle naked it counts in my book), the most infamous being Emanuelle in America, which is still the best. Emanuelle in Bangkok may lack the later sequels’ sleaze factor and general WTF quotient (although we do get to see a snake fight a mongoose), but it can’t be beat for the sheer amount of gratuitous nudity. I mean you can’t help but like a movie where the leading lady can’t keep her clothes on for more than 48 seconds at a time. (It gets an automatic four-star rating if you have a masseuse and/or bathing fetish.)

The dubbing is of course atrocious but adds to the flick’s charm. The dialogue is just as bad, especially when Emanuelle cries out, “I feel naked without my camera!” I mean Jesus Christ lady; you’re naked for 70% of the movie, what’s one more second? But it’s Rassimov gets the best line when he tells Emanuelle, “You’re not like them; you’re different. You understand how to control your ecstasy.”