RETARD-O-TRON III (2013) ** ½

Here’s the third and as of this writing, final entry in the infamous mixtape series.  Whereas the first two collections had a certain structure, this one feels more like a hodgepodge.  The reoccurring bits aren’t nearly as entertaining this time out (like the cooking show scenes), and it all seems a bit tame compared to the previous installments.  At least there aren’t any Jackass style stunts and skateboarding accidents this time around. 

The most memorable bit revolves around some… shall we say… unorthodox karaoke.  It’s the Japanese clips that are probably the most fun.  They include a synchronized enema fountain, a naughty McDonald’s, a giant soda machine that dispenses topless girls, and a guide to dating that revolves around puking on your partner.  Other highlights showcase mixed wrestling, clips of awful R & B performers on public access TV, a montage of humongous breasts (some of which would make Mariko Morikawa look like a candidate for the Itty Bitty Titty Committee), spaghetti wrestling, a montage of Turkish rip-offs, and an interview with young rappers Kriss Kross.  Although this entry doesn’t have any movie trailers, there are plenty of film clips for connoisseurs of cinematic cheese like Bloodsport, Space Mutiny, The Outer Limits, Lou Ferrigno’s Hercules, Future Force, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, Mr. No Legs, Strike Commando, The Believer’s Heaven, Don’t Go in the House, Easy, TerrorVision, Loose Shoes, Winterbeast, Light Blast, and Rhinestone.  There are also plenty of other wacky excerpts I couldn’t identify including some pretty wild looking Kung Fu, Japanese, and Bollywood movies. 

I will say the porn clips aren’t quite as shocking this time out.  Either that or maybe I’m just becoming more jaded.  Either way, this is a noticeable step down from its predecessors, but there’s still enough here to keep the curious entertained.  Just be sure you know what you’re getting yourself into first. 

RETARD-O-TRON II (2008) ***

Here is another warped mix tape courtesy of the depraved minds at Cinema Sewer.  Like its predecessor, it’s vulgar, disgusting, and often very funny.  The viewer litmus test can be found in the very first segment, which is a compilation of XXX blowjob clips of girls gagging who all sound like Donald Duck squawking.  It’s the kind of thing where once you hear it, you can’t unhear it.  If you already kind of shook your head at that description, then there’s probably no reason to read further. 

The clips from cheesy movies were my favorite bits.  Some of the best moments include the hopelessly white bread rap battle scene from Teen Witch, the turkey monster from Blood Freak, and the giant sheep from Godmonster of Indian Flats.  We also see snippets from the likes of The Killer Shrews, Pieces, Cool as Ice, Robot Monster, Demons 2, From Hell It Came, Lady Terminator, The Calamari Wrestler, Zaat!, Naked Blood, The Giant Claw, The Story of Ricky, and Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot.  Trailers for Eat My Dust, Food of the Gods, Dead End Drive-In, Wonder Women, and Black Shampoo (“A woman entices!  A chainsaw slices!”) are also shown. 

Another fun running theme is the sections on failed TV pilots like The Man with the Power, Men of the Dragon, The Questor Tapes, ExoMan, Northstar, and Infiltrator.  One of the many highlights is a weird video of a naked Steve Vai fan offering herself up to the guitarist (which ends in a truly memorable way).  We are also treated to a bunch of oddball Japanese commercials, extreme wrestling matches, and Arnold Schwarzenegger clips (the funniest being his appearance on The Dating Game).

If you love compilations of weird B-movie shit and can stomach the sight of gonzo porn, you’ll probably dig it.  As with most of these kinds of things, your mileage may vary.  I for one could’ve done without the stuff with the graffiti artists, the Jackass wannabe clips, and the scenes of motorcycle and skateboarding tricks gone wrong.  The gross porn clips (which include women puking goldfish, jizz snorting, and disgusting bloopers) will probably be a dealbreaker for some, but this collection is just as fun, if not better than the first one. 

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMITYVILLE (2024) **

No budget maverick Mark Polonia delivers what I believe is the first Amityville western.  In a franchise filled with exponentially more lows than highs, delivering a first for the series is worth something at the very least.  (Then again, since Amityville is in New York I guess that technically makes it an “eastern”.)

It’s 1846 and a couple of bounty hunters (Ken Van Sant and Titus Himmelberger) are after a bank robber named Mathias Black (Noyes J. Lawton).  The trail leads to a small town called (what else?) Amityville, where the townsfolk seem all too eager to have their new arrivals leave as soon as possible.  Turns out they are all under the spell of an evil entity who lords over the town.  It’s then up to our rugged pair of lawmen to confront the entity and set the town free. 

The surprising thing about Once Upon a Time in Amityville is that Polonia handles the western stuff rather well.  I’ve seen so many low budget westerns that look laughably inauthentic when it comes to their western settings.  This one isn’t so bad considering the budget he was working with. 

The Amityville scenes well… let’s just say it all plays out like your typical Polonia joint.  That’s not a knock really, especially if you’re a fan of his work and/or already know what you’re getting into.  I did like how he tried to tie some of the elements back (forward?) to the original movie (like the windows, the glowing eyes, and the flies). 

There are some laughably bad moments along the way.  The reveal of the evil entity will have you in stitches as it looks more or less like a dime store Halloween decoration.  The way it is dispatched is equally amusing.  That’s not quite enough to garner a full-on recommendation (the laughs are pretty scarce up until then), but it’s enough to signal that this is a decent enough fake Amityville (not to mention Polonia) flick. 

THE LAST AMITYVILLE MOVIE (2023) **

The Last Amityville Movie?  Well, we can hope.

A horror YouTuber (writer/director Josh Spiegel) releases a video about the latest Amityville movie, Amityville Zoo.  While his family is out of town, he stays at home making content.  Shortly after someone anonymously sends him a doorknob from the Amityville Horror house, weird things start happening.  He soon finds out that the doorknob carries the Amityville curse and the only way to lift it is to… make an Amityville movie. 

After being pleasantly surprised by the meta spoof Amityville Ripper, I figured I’d give another Amityville movie a shot.  I wasn’t expecting that this too would take the meta approach.  The early scenes of our hero talking about Amityville rip-offs are amusing.  It’s just that once he finds himself in one, the fun quickly dissipates. 

The biggest debit is that much of the film is set in the found footage mold as the story is told through a series of YouTube videos, Zoom calls, and Ring doorbell footage.  It’s essentially Paranormal Activity but with less money and a smaller cast.  The main character isn’t annoying or anything, but he’s not strong enough of a personality to sustain an entire feature, especially when long stretches of the movie are devoted to him all by his lonesome doing long monologues into the camera.  It also doesn’t help that most of the movie revolves around him investigating strange noises.  An hour or so of this may have been tolerable.  At ninety-five minutes, it just feels like a slog. 

Unlike most haunted house movies, this one at least has a plausible reason why our main character doesn’t just leave the house.  (There’s another pandemic going on.)  I also found it amusing how the film’s lone bit of nudity winds up inadvertently getting censored.  However, fun bits like this are more of an exception than the rule.  The CGI deaths are pretty crappy, and the ending is weak too.  Still, as far as fake Amityville movies go, you could do so much worse. 

NEVER ON TUESDAY (1989) ***

Eddie (Peter Berg) and his nerdy pal Matt (Andy Lauer) travel cross country for California in search of bikini babes.  Along a desolate stretch of desert highway, they get into an accident with the sultry Tuesday (Claudia Christian) and become stranded on the side of the road.  As they sit and wait for help, they both try to score with her, even though she is clearly not interested in either of them (and is a lesbian to boot). 

Never on Tuesday was the first film by Adam (The Dark Backward) Rifkin.  Even though it was released by Paramount, it feels like the blueprint for a ‘90s independent comedy as it features minimal location work and a string of celebrity cameos.  (Many of whom went on to work with Rifkin again.)  The scenes of the three leads kind of volley back and forth between typical teen comedy banter and more introspective dialogue found in indie dramas.  It doesn’t always mesh, but the performances are great and it all rings true more often than not. 

At first, the fantasy scenes (which include the guys’ sexual daydreams about Tuesday and a random zombie attack) feel like padding.  Eventually, they reveal themselves to be a device where Rifkin can have his cake and eat it too.  He can objectify Christian through the lens of the horny teenage characters while simultaneously presenting her as the strong-willed independent woman she is.  One that the boys have no clue to decipher.  (These scenes also offer us an excuse to see Christian naked, although the one part where she’s surrounded by a troupe of ballerinas is a bit… odd.)

While Christian, Berg, and Lauer are great and all, it’s the supporting players that steal the show.  (Kindly stop reading if you don’t want the cameos spoiled.)  Nicolas Cage shows up as a passing motorist sporting surfer dude hair, a Big Bird nose, and a Tiny Tim voice.  It seems almost like a dry run for some of his more outlandish performances.  Too bad he’s only in it for about half a minute.  We also get Gilbert Gottfried as a traveling salesman, Charlie Sheen as a thief in a leather jacket and an Elvis voice, Judd Nelson as a crazed highway cop with a Hitler mustache, and Emilio Estevez and Cary Elwes (brother of the producer) as redneck tow truck drivers. 

THE 19TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE NOMINEES ARE…

Well folks, it’s that time of year again.  Awards season.  Time to see who fed it and who ate it in the world of cinema.  So, without further ado, here are the nominees for The 19th Annual Video Vacuum Awards!

BEST MOVIE

Bugonia

Companion

Novocaine

Predator:  Badlands

Tron:  Ares

WORST MOVIE

Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare

Star Trek:  Section 31

The Toxic Avenger

War of the Worlds

Wolf Man

BEST DIRECTOR

Dan Berk and Robert Olsen for Novocaine

Drew Hancock for Companion

Yorgos Lanthimos for Bugonia

Joachim Ronning for Tron:  Ares

Dan Tractenberg for Predator:  Badlands

BEST ACTOR

Leonardo DiCaprio in One Battle After Another

Jesse Plemons for Bugonia

Jack Quaid in Companion

Jack Quaid in Novocaine

The Tapeworm in The Ugly Stepsister

BEST ACTRESS

Elle Fanning in Predator:  Badlands

Madeliene McGraw in Black Phone 2

Lea Myren in The Ugly Stepsister

Emma Stone in Bugonia

Sophie Thatcher in Companion

BEST ACTION MOVIE

Ballerina

Fight or Flight

Nobody 2

Novocaine

A Working Man

BEST COMEDY

Anaconda

Bugonia

Happy Gilmore 2

The Naked Gun

Spinal Tap 2:  The End Continues 

BEST HORROR MOVIE

Black Phone 2

Companion

Heart Eyes

The Monkey

The Ugly Stepsister

WORST HORROR MOVIE

Opus

Peter Pan’s Neverland Nightmare

Presence

The Toxic Avenger

Wolf Man

BEST REMAKE/REBOOT

Anaconda

Bugonia

The Fantastic Four:  First Steps 

The Naked Gun

Superman

BEST SCI-FI MOVIE

The Long Walk

Mickey 17 

Predator:  Badlands

The Running Man

Tron:  Ares

BEST SEQUEL

Ballerina

Black Phone 2

Nobody 2

Predator:  Badlands

Tron:  Ares

BEST STRAIGHT TO VIDEO/STREAMING MOVIE

Devo

Frankenstein

The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Havoc

The Women Eaters!

As is the custom, I’ll give it a week or two before I pick the winners.  Remember, it’s a thrill to be nominated!

BLACK PHONE 2 (2025) ****

Lots of films set in the ‘80s get many details of the era wrong.  In Black Phone 2, there’s a scene where a character talks about buying Duran Duran tickets and another where our hero stays up late to watch Night Flight on TV, all within the first five minutes of the movie.  I’d say the filmmakers nailed the ‘80s experience. 

Finn (Mason Thames) survived The Grabber (Ethan Hawke) and now he is trying to survive high school.  Meanwhile, his sister Gwen (Madeleine McGraw) begins having psychic dreams of kids being murdered at a snowy wilderness camp.  Together, they go to the camp to investigate and learn that the dead Grabber is trying to get to Gwen in her dreams.  The only way to stop him is to find the bodies of the slain children and finally put their souls to rest. 

I was surprised how much I liked Black Phone 2.  In fact, I enjoyed it more than the first one.  Returning director Scott Derrickson does a cool technique of upping the film grain during the dream scenes, which kinda makes them feel less like a dream and more like a movie from the ‘80s.  Many times, the film feels like a Nightmare on Elm Street sequel set at Friday the 13th’s Camp Crystal Lake in the dead of winter.  Plus, there’s a cool visual nod to the ‘80s slasher Curtains tossed in there for good measure 

So many sequels are content to repeat the same notes that made their predecessors a hit, so it’s refreshing to see one that pushes the mythology forward into unexpected directions.  Sure, some of those directions feel like a pastiche of other horror classics, but it’s an entertaining and atmospheric pastiche.  This is easily one of the best and most inventive horror sequels I’ve seen in some time.  Also, some of the gore and make-up on the mutilated kids is downright gnarly. 

Hawke does a fantastic job once again, especially considering 1) He’s always seen wearing a mask and/or gruesome make-up and 2) He’s offscreen for much of the picture.  However, his presence is still felt even when he isn’t on screen.  He’s in the characters’ heads, casting a shadow over their psyche.  The other performances are equally fine.  Thames and McGraw are quite good too, and Demian Bichir does some nice work as the owner of the camp. 

SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS GREATEST HITS (1995) *** ½

Back in the ‘90s, compilation CDs were all the rage.  Saturday Morning Cartoons Greatest Hits was an awesome compilation that was basically a bunch of alternative bands doing covers of theme songs from old Saturday morning cartoons.  I had the CD in heavy rotation back in my younger days and I eventually played the shit out of it.  I never knew there was a companion VHS tape, starring Drew Barrymore (back when she was in her sexy pixie phase).  Until now. 

This is basically just a collection of music videos for the songs found on the CD.  Naturally, there are clips from each cartoon sprinkled throughout the videos.  Most are for Hanna-Barbera productions.  Among the highlights are Matthew Sweet singing “Scooby-Doo, Where are You?”, Sublime doing “Hong Kong Phooey”, The Ramones playing “Spider-Man”, Liz Phair with Material Issue covering “The Tra La La Song” from The Banana Splits Adventure Hour, Juliana Hatfield and Tanya Donelly performing “Josie and the Pussycats”, and The Violent Femmes absolutely shredding “Eep Opp Ork-Aha” from The Jetsons. 

There really isn’t a whole lot to the videos.  Some are more thought out than others, but most are just the bands playing (sometimes in random locations like a carnival or mini-golf course or simply just standing in front of a greenscreen) with clips of the shows edited in.  They were probably rushed into production to coincide with the CD.  Not that it matters.  It’s still a lot of fun. 

The linking device has Drew and her roommates (one of whom is her longtime-producing partner Nancy Juvonen) sitting on the couch and making commentary on the cartoons and music.  Their interruptions weren’t really necessary, but they don’t detract too much from the overall experience.  Some of the cracks are kind of funny (“I like being a couch potato lounge lizard loser!”), and it’s amusing when some of the characters from the shows drop by the house.  Plus, the sight of Drew in her prime rolling around the couch in tiny shorts doesn’t hurt. 

If you’re looking for a jolt of ‘90s nostalgia filtered through the prism of ‘70s nostalgia (or vice versa), you should definitely check it out.  It’s all very Gen X coded.  If you weren’t there you might not understand. 

The complete line-up is as follows: Matthew Sweet ("Scooby-Doo, Where are You?”), Sublime (“Hong Kong Phooey”) Butthole Surfers (“Underdog”), The Ramones (“Spider-Man”), Wax (“Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy” from Ren and Stimpy), Frente (“Open Up Your Heart and Let the Sunshine In” from The Flintstones), The Murmurs (“H.R. Pufnstuf”), Face to Face (“Popeye the Sailor Man”), Collective Soul (“The Bugaloos”), Toadies (“Goolie Get-Together”), Mary Lou Lord and Semisonic (“Sugar, Sugar” from The Archies), Tripping Daisy (“Friends: Sigmund the Sea Monster”), Sponge (“Go, Speed Racer, Go”), Helmet (“Gigantor”), Liz Phair with Material Issue (“The Tra La La Song” from The Banana Splits Adventure Hour), Juliana Hatfield and Tanya Donelly (“Josie and the Pussycats”), Reverend Horton Heat (“Jonny Quest” and "Stop That Pigeon” from Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines), and The Violent Femmes (“Eep Opp Ork-Aha” from The Jetsons).

LEGENDARY PANTY MASK (1991) *** ½

Go Nagai, the wonderfully warped mind who created Kekko Kamen, brought us another outrageous and sexy superheroine.  Maboroshi Panty (Miyuki Katori) is a scantily clad crime fighter who conceals her identity by wearing a pair of panties over her face.  You know, those newfangled Marvel movies could learn a thing or two from a dude like Nagai. 

Our setting is an all-girl Catholic school in the Wild West town of Crime City that's ruled by nuns.  If you’re wondering why it’s an all-girl school, it’s because it’s an all-girl town.  No men allowed!  A stranger rolls into town and the girls welcome her as one of their own.  However, the new gal is hiding a rather… large secret.  When the evil nuns try to harm her, it’s up to superheroine Maboroshi Panty to save the day. 

The mix of Japanese schoolgirls, sexy superheroes, sadistic nuns, and Spaghetti Western is kind of irresistible, especially when all the elements crash headlong into one another.  A sterling example of this is the saloon scene.  The saloon looks like the average watering hole you’d see in an ordinary western except instead of being populated by dusty cowpokes, the bar is crowded with Catholic Japanese schoolgirls.  Oh, and they even break out into song about how much they need a man. 

Oh yeah, did I mention it’s a musical?  And that some of the musical numbers feature people in Native America dress singing public domain songs like “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” and “Ten Little Indians”?

This might’ve been an instant classic had it delivered on the T & A.  However, it’s surprisingly chaste for a movie about sadistic nuns, lesbian schoolgirls, and superwomen who wear underwear on their face.  Still, there are plenty of memorable moments here like when Panty rides through the air on a giant arrow like Harry Potter and impales a row of nuns.  Shit like that makes a movie like this virtually critic-proof.  

What more can you say about a flick featuring a panty-wearing superheroine that fights evil nuns in a western town?  I think this screengrab sums it up about as well as I could:

AKA:  Beautiful Detective Maboroshi Panty (Phantom Panty). AKA:  Maboroshi Panty. 

AMITYVILLE RIPPER (2023) ** ½

Well, it finally happened.  They’re tearing down the old Amityville Horror house.  But before they do that though, a bunch of stuff from the haunted home is going up for auction.  Marianne (Kelsey Ann Baker) is a hot goth chick who wins a knife owned by Jack the Ripper from the auction.  The night of Y2K, she invites her friend Annie (Angel Nichole Bradford) over for a seance so they can communicate with the killer’s spirit.  That also happens to be the night when Marianne’s obnoxious brother is throwing a party.  Predictably, it doesn’t take long before the resurrected Jack begins cutting up the partygoers. 

After watching Amityville Frankenstein, what has to be the worst fake Amityville movie I’ve seen thus far, I was ready to swear them off entirely.  Of course, that didn’t happen, but I must say that Amityville Ripper went a long way to restoring my faith in the genre.  While it’s not exactly what you’d traditionally call a “good” movie, it knows exactly what it is and who its audience is.  It aims low and hits the target more often than not.  More fake Amityville movies should take a page out of its playbook. 

The opening scene nicely sets the tone.  It’s made up of a lot of news reports and faux YouTube videos that humorously mention some of the more outlandish premises for fake Amityville movies, which I guess in effect, makes everything that ever happened in an Amityville movie unauthorized or otherwise canon.  The fun really begins when the film stops trying to be a typical Amityville rip-off and starts winking at the camera.  In fact, at some point it stops winking and begins blinking in Morse code with the never-ending line of fourth wall breaks. 

Amityville Ripper tries to do for fake Amityville movies what Scream did for the slasher film as it’s simultaneously a critique and an example of the genre.  The surprising thing about it is that it hits more than it misses.  Sure, many of the humorous touches land closer in Scary Movie territory, but at least its heart is in the right place.  I will say you probably have to sit through about fifty fake Amityville flicks to feel this way.  Then again, speaking as someone who has done just that, I can say with confidence this belongs in the upper echelon of Amityville rip-offs.  Heck, as uneven as most of it is, it still manages to be better than most of the “official” entries in the Amityville series. 

Near the end, a character says, “I think I’m done with Amityville movies”.  I’m happy to report that I am not.

THE BLOODY VIDEO HORROR THAT MADE ME PUKE ON MY AUNT GERTRUDE (1989) **

A guy rents a camcorder from a video store and uses it to make a snuff movie.  When he returns the equipment to the store, he accidentally leaves the tape inside the camcorder.  He comes back to get the tape and murders the owner of the store.  It doesn’t take long for the store clerk to be the police’s prime suspect.  He then sets out to clear his name, even if he has to resort to murder to do so. 

This has a great title and an interesting hook.  It’s just a shame that the amateurishness of the whole enterprise knocks it down a notch.  The humor isn’t funny, many of the characters are downright unbearable, and some of the acting is painful to watch.  It also doesn’t help that there’s only like three people in the cast and they all wear shoddy costumes, obviously fake beards, and even clown make-up to (poorly) conceal their identities. 

Director Zachary Snygg (AKA: John Bacchus, who made all those Seduction Cinema parodies) tosses in a couple of long takes and steady-cam type shots which considering the budget are rather impressive.  Even at seventy-five minutes, a little of this goes a long way and many scenes run past their expiration.  All the stuff with our hero being interrogated by the police feels static and really grinds things to a halt, and the scenes with the homeless guys near the end also feels needlessly drawn out. 

I will say the first twenty minutes or so are surprisingly good.  It’s almost enough to make you wish Snygg just took the best parts and condensed it down to a half hour short.  Either that or he cut out the humor and tried to make it into a straight crime thriller with horror elements.  Still, there’s enough promise here to suggest he’d go on to bigger and better things. 

Oh, and while there is a little bit of puke, Aunt Gertrude is nowhere to be found.  Bummer. 

Snygg made The Heaping Bouncy Breasts That Smothered a Midget the previous year. 

UNHOLY MATRIMONY (1966) **

Hal is a reporter doing an expose on wife swapping.  His editor is convinced underworld types are placing ads in swinger magazines and luring couples into compromising positions as part of an extortion racket.  He sends Hal and his girlfriend undercover (and under the covers) as wife swappers to investigate.  Their first outing is ruined by an overly pushy husband, and next couple get their kicks from listening to them get it on.  They also attend a “key party”, go skinny dipping with couples, and one swinger party goes awry when Hal gets dosed with LSD.  (The great ads played up this angle and proclaimed, “Mix S-E-X and L.S.D. and you get Unholy Matrimony!”)

In theory, the premise should work.  Too bad it’s all rather tame.  Even the episodic nature of the film wouldn’t have been such an issue had the wife swapping scenes delivered the goods.  Much of the problem has to do with the character of Hal, who is a real lout.  I mean it’s bad enough when he’s too busy banging other broads to save his partner from nearly being raped.  It’s another thing when he tries to get her in the sack later that night. 

The film suffers from a sluggish pace to begin with, but the whole thing stops on a dime when our couple take a break from their undercover work to take in a folk bubblegum combo called The Warmest Spring who sing a total snoozer called “Suddenly, You’ll Find Love”.  It’s not all bad though.  The acid freakout scene where Hal imagines he’s being whipped by a topless cowgirl is kind of fun, although it’s a long time coming.  The underwater photography during the swimming pool scene is very good too. 

The supporting cast is also memorable.  The ladies, including Indecent Desires’ Sharon Kent as a topless cheesecake model, and Monica (The Imp-Probable Mr. Weegee) Davis as a swinging wife, are lovely to look at, which makes up for some of the bumps in the road.  Unholy Matrimony is also notable for featuring actors who went on to have long careers in respectable Hollywood films such as Billy Green Bush, Alan North, and Lane Smith, all of whom appear as swinging husbands.  That doesn’t necessarily make it worth a look though. 

BIG TIT MONASTERY (1995) ****

Whenever I discover an unsung actress of WTF Cinema, I always say things like, “She should’ve been a household name!”  Well, as far as I’m concerned, Mariko Morikawa’s boobs should’ve been a household name.  (Household Boobs.  How’s that for coining a phrase?)  In the case of Mariko Morikawa, when I say, “Household Boobs”, I mean her boobs are as big as a house and I’d really like to hold them. 

If the hype is to be believed, these massive melons are a Q Cup.  The on-screen graphic (which was about the only thing I could read/understand as the copy I saw was Japanese language with Chinese subtitles) purports she has a 124cm bust, which works out to be about 49 inches.  I know Chesty Morgan had a 73-inch bust, but unlike Chesty’s rack, which was a victim to the cruelties of gravity, Morikawa’s are full bodied, robust, and unavoidable.  They’re so huge that I’m telling you now, it’s enough to make the King himself, Russ Meyer, envious. 

Morikawa’s boobs are in the first shot of the movie.  In fact, they ARE the first shot of the movie since that’s the only thing the cameraman could fit into the frame.  They are all oiled up and ready to go.  If you thought the cameraman deserved a medal for getting the entire set of colossal knockers into the frame, wait till you see the freeze frame money shot.  I don’t know the gentleman’s name, but my dude is a consummate professional. 

The next scene has Mariko in a nun’s habit.  Oh yeah, I totally neglected to mention the fact she plays a nun and the movie we are discussing today is called Big Tit Monastery.   Anyway, she stays in the outfit for exactly four seconds before she removes her robe and rubs her humongous hooters against a window, which to me is the very definition of cinema.  I don’t know how they did it, but with the framing and lighting, it actually looks like Mariko is right there rubbing her boobs on your television set.  It feels akin to being in a peepshow booth and the dancer is RIGHT THERE and the only thing separating you is a pane of glass. 

There’s another particularly awe-inspiring shot where her boobs come down at the camera from above and the angle makes it look as if she’s straddling the audience and smothering them with her blessed bosom.  I ask you, where is the 4DX version?

Turns out this was all a dream.  I usually don’t like “It was all a dream” scenes, but I really can’t fault the movie since I’m probably going to be having lots of dreams of Mariko in the near future. 

So, the guy who’s having the big boob nun dreams is this uptight dude who gets all agitated every time he sees or thinks about boobs.  A commuter on a train notices his dilemma and invites him back to his house so he can alleviate his situation by banging his big breasted wife.  Seems like the right course of action if you ask me.  Unfortunately, the visions of the nasty nun continue to haunt our hero. 

One day, a Christian missionary goes door to door to spread the word of God and knocks on his door.  Wouldn’t you know it?  It’s Mariko!  And the word she is spreading today is “Legs”.  Unfortunately, our hero lets his pal from the train bang her first.  Eventually, after a lot of fumbling around, our hero tells Mariko (and I’m paraphrasing here since the version I saw didn’t have English subtitles), “I can’t do it with you unless you dress like a nun.”

Hey, we’ve all been there. 

Fortunately for him and the audience, Mariko is only too happy to oblige, and she shows off her nasty habits (if you’re picking up what I’m putting down).  Then, the movie ends with our hero and his pal having a KY-drenched three-way with Mariko.  Not only does it conclude with the happiest of endings, it also contains what is possibly the finest final freeze frame in motion picture history. 

Oh, I guess I neglected to mention that Mariko Morikawa is only 4’ 11’.  Her diminutive height makes her bombastic bust look even larger.  She may not have the largest on record, but when you look at her boobs (and trust me, I’m looking), in proportion to the rest of her body, it’s just mind boggling. 

Compared to Chesty (the comparisons are unavoidable), whose boobs just seemed anchored down by gravity, Mariko’s astonishingly defies it.  Consider the scene where she is absolutely getting railed and they flop, bounce, and jiggle like an 8.9 on the Richter Scale.  Also, whereas Morgan always seemed disinterested and maybe a little embarrassed on camera, Morikawa is definitely into it, which helps tremendously. 

Since this is a Japanese movie, there is some “fogging” in some scenes where they blur out the naughty bits.  However, director Sachi Hamano cleverly skirts around censorship by having some hot over-the-underwear play and suggestive shots of bodily fluids leaking and/or spurting.  It should be pointed out that Hamada is a woman.  Hollywood keeps saying they need more female directors.  They should give her a call!

One issue I had with the movie is that it’s called Big Tit Monastery, but Mariko only appears in the nun’s habit in a few scenes.  (I concede there may have been something lost in translation somewhere along the way.)  I was kind of hoping there would be a whole convent full of big breasted nuns, but oh well.  With an actress who’s enormously talented like Mariko Morikawa, one big breasted nun is all you need. 

Big Tit Monastery had made me a Mariko Morikawa fan for life.  Mariko is so great in her sex scenes that when it comes to scenes elsewhere in the movie featuring actresses that are, shall we say, of more traditional proportions, they can’t come close to matching her intensity.  That’s okay because you can use these moments to catch your breath, smoke a cigarette, and/or recharge your batteries until the next Mariko scene occurs.  Since many times all that you see in the frame is Mariko’s boobs, I suggest seeing this on the biggest screen possible for maximum effect. 

So, my friends, if WTF Cinema is your religion, then Big Tit Monastery should be the temple you worship. 

AKA:  Big Boobs Monastery.  AKA:  Busty Monastery.  AKA:  Ultra Q-Cup 124cm Sister.  

THE WILD SCENE (1970) **

Dr. Grant (Virigina Nelson) is a psychiatrist who is writing a book about the problems of young people.  Her first case study is of a girl who tried to commit suicide after her father’s death.  Turns out she had the hots for dear old dad and despised her rich bitch of a mother.  The next is about a pair of sisters experimenting with drugs.  Things turn tragic when one of them gets high (in both senses of the word) and plunges to her death.  The third case is a young woman who works as a prostitute “for kicks” that has her doctor father write her and her co-workers prescriptions for the pill.  This is probably the best of the bunch thanks to the twist, but it still isn’t all that great.  The young mistress of a rich guy reveals she’s cheating on him with another woman in the final tale. He eventually gets his kicks by watching them in bed.  Meanwhile, the shrink can’t seem to get a handle on her own rebellious daughter (Anita Eubank) who has fallen in with a no-good louse parading as an activist. 

Directed by William (Black Rebels) Rowland, The Wild Scene is a mixed bag.  The big issue is the structure as the case studies are awkwardly crammed into the narrative featuring the shrink and her daughter.  The point of the structure is to hammer home the idea that will all her degrees and experience, she still can’t help her own kid.  That’s all well and good, but it’s just handled in a clunky manner. 

The previews made it out to be an expose on the happenings of hippie counterculture, but it’s more of a study of the generation gap and the moralistic and cultural divide separating youth from their parents.  While the young people make an occasional good point concerning the differences they have with their parents, most of the time their dialogue scenes just feel like an attempt by the screenwriters to cram in as much hippie jargon as possible.  Although it’s an earnest enough attempt, it often comes off like an After School Special.  It’s also frankly, kind of dull. 

The Wild Scene does have a great acid rock theme song though.  The psychedelic dance party scene with topless dancing, flashing lights, and painted faces is amusing too.  It’s just a shame the print is so jumpy in spots. 

Of all the slang-filled dialogue, my favorite line was, “Love is a bum trip!”

SHOCK! SHOCK! SHOCK! (1987) *** ½

Here’s another flick I remember reading about in the Psychotronic Video Guide back in the day.  It’s a short (under an hour long), low budget, black and white genre mishmash that’s quite inventive and a lot of fun.  There’s enough ingenuity here to put big budget productions to shame.  It definitely deserves a bigger cult following. 

A mental patient named Jim (Brad Isaac) escapes from the nuthouse and steals a car.  He picks up a girl (Cyndy McCrossen) on the road who gives him a mysterious watch.  When she is kidnapped by gangsters, Jim teams up with her scientist father to rescue her.  The bad guys wind up being aliens and Jim becomes a superhero to stop them. 

Shock!  Shock!  Shock! plays like a mix of an old timey Saturday afternoon serial and a flat-out fever dream.  Right from the opening scene that feels like a mash-up of Leave It to Beaver and Halloween, you know you’re in for something fun, and the way it pinballs from one genre to another is a real joy.  (I’ve seen more than one review that compares it to Rat Pfink a Boo Boo.)  There are just too many inspirations to list (the stuff with the scientist plays like an episode of Mr. Wizard), but things really kick into high gear when it becomes a tribute to old Japanese superhero movies.  The cool animated opening title sequence and the bitching surf guitar theme song by The Cyphers are equally impressive. 

The low budget effects (ping pong ball eyeballs, negative scratches death rays, etc.) and decent gore (there’s face ripping and a decapitation) work surprising well and are done in the same spirit as the rest of the movie.  There’s also a pretty cool freakout scene, an awesome stop motion monster, and some truly great dialogue like, “Your human love makes me sick!”

Also, look fast for James Gandolfini making his film debut. 

THE LAST SLUMBER PARTY (1988) *

A psycho escapes the nuthouse disguised as a doctor.  Meanwhile, a bunch of teenage girls celebrate summer vacation by throwing a slumber party.  They drink, party, and invite some guys over for a little hanky-panky.  Naturally, it doesn’t take long before the killer arrives on the scene to crash the party. 

Directed by Steven Tyler (no, not that Steven Tyler), The Last Slumber Party is a lethargic low budget entry in the slasher movie sweepstakes.  It was released in 1988, but it looks a lot older than that.  There are posters of Xanadu, Urban Cowboy, and The Bee Gees in the teenage girl’s bedroom, which suggest it was filmed in 1980 or sometime shortly thereafter.  The film suffers from poor sound and more than a few out of focus shots.   Seriously, you’re going to think the focus puller had glaucoma or something.  If that wasn’t bad enough, the characters are thoroughly annoying and the dialogue is awful.  (Sample lines include, “Cut it out, babe!” and “You stupid bitch!”)

The wild-eyed killer himself had promise as he at least looks the part with his O.R. scrubs, surgical mask, and scalpel.  He’s more effective when he’s lurking in the background than when he attacks though.  It doesn’t help that the gore is weak, and you can sometimes see the fake blood dribbling out of the scalpel before it even touches the victims’ throat.  There’s also a halfway decent twist, but the filmmakers manage to bungle that reveal too. 

The Last Slumber Party is only seventy-one minutes, which seems like a blessing, but trust me when I tell you I’ve watched three-part mini-series that felt shorter than this turd.  The drawn-out nightmare scene that occurs smack dab in the middle of the movie really brings things to a halt.  It also has one of the most tedious Final Girl sequences in horror history and to add insult to injury, just when it should be over, it continues on for another ten minutes, concluding with a thoroughly irritating “It was all a dream!  (Or was it!?!?)” ending. 

In short, don’t watch it at your next slumber party as you may fall asleep before the end credits roll. 

GREEN INFERNO (1988) ** ½

This isn’t the Eli Roth movie, but rather the ‘80s flick he stole the name from.  It was directed by Antonio Climati, who also made Savage Man, Savage Beast.  It was sold in some markets as Cannibal Holocaust 2, even though it features no cannibals or holocausts.  It’s nowhere near as exploitative as that flick and people seem to hate it on general principle, but I didn’t think it was too bad. 

The fractured narrative is the film’s biggest issue.  An expedition goes looking for a missing professor in the South American jungle.  Once there, they stumble upon a village that has been ravaged by gold hunters.  There are also subplots about trapping monkeys and snakes that help pad things out.  Speaking of animals, the film doesn’t have the wanton scenes of animal cruelty as you’d normally see in these kinds of things, although I don’t think anyone would be handing the filmmakers the “No Animals were Harmed in the Making of this Movie” seal of approval anytime soon. 

Despite having its share of problems, Green Inferno is almost always entertaining.  There’s a fun scene in the beginning where the characters steal a plane and taxi it down the highway as puzzled pedestrians look on.  The interview with a head shrinker (who inexplicably has a poster of Paul Newman in his workshop) is pretty amusing too.  There are also frog races, people giving monkeys CPR, maggot eating, and plenty of native nudity.  The most memorable scene comes when a man-eating fish swims up a guy’s ass and a member of the team has to reach in there and pull it out before he gets eaten from the inside out.  Another icky moment finds a gold thief being punished by having a snake bite him on the dick. 

As Jemma, the reporter of the group, May Deseligny has a Tisa Farrow kind of quality about her.  Although this was to be her only role, she is pretty good.  The male characters are pretty bland and interchangeable, but that isn’t really a big deal. 

AKA:  Cannibal Holocaust 2.

TRUCK TURNER (1974) *** ½

Isaac Hayes won an Oscar for his theme song for Shaft, so when it came time to do the score for Truck Turner, he asked if he could star in it and the producers said, “Why not?”  Hayes plays the eponymous badass bounty hunter (in a role originally intended for Robert Mitchum!) who inadvertently stirs up a hornets’ nest when he is forced to kill a pimp named Gator while trying to collect a bounty.  Gator’s death almost immediately creates a power vacuum on the streets.  Things come to a head when his main lady (Star Trek’s Nichelle Nichols) puts an open hit out on Truck Turner with Gator’s stable of saucy streetwalkers being the prize. 

Director Jonathan (Bad Girls) Kaplan delivers on the demands of the genre in the form of car chases, barroom brawls, and shootouts, but with slightly more flair than you may expect.  (The hospital gunfight finale is especially memorable.)  He also offers up such interesting sights as a pimp’s funeral along the way.  Most of the fun comes from how rapidly the plot escalates into an all-out war. 

Hayes delivers a fine turn in his first starring vehicle.  He has an affable world weariness that suits the character nicely.  While his theme song falls short of the heights of Shaft, it remains a solid second tier Blaxploitation anthem.  Likewise, the film falls just short of the classics of the genre, but it remains one entertaining blast of Blaxploitation goodness. 

Hayes is buoyed by a murderer’s row of talent in the supporting cast.  Yaphet Kotto makes for a fine foil as a villainous pimp.  We also have Dick Miller as a lawyer, Scatman Crothers as a retired pimp, Stan Shaw as a young pimp, and Werewolf Woman’s Annik Borel as a sex worker.  It’s Nichols who’s the most entertaining.  You haven’t lived till you’ve seen the usually demure Lt. Uhura playing a foul-mouthed trash talking streetwalker. 

Editor Michael Kahn went on to be the go-to editor for Spielberg. 

AKA:  Black Bullet.  AKA:  Chicago Poker.

THE MUMMY’S DUNGEON (1993) ***

Ramses (Sal Longo) wants to revive an ancient Egyptian god, and of course, in order to do so, he needs virgin blood.  He lures unsuspecting models to his basement for photo shoots where he sacrifices them on an altar and lets his mummy sidekick (Dave Castiglione) have his way with them.  When her twin sister is killed by Ramses, Kris (Amanda Madison) goes looking for answers. 

The Mummy’s Dungeon is a lot different from other W.A.V.E. movies.  In most of these things, women undress, get chained up, and are killed.  In this one, women undress, get chained up, and are killed while a decrepit mummy stands around licking his chops.  It’s a totally different thing. 

The movie boasts what has to be the ickiest looking mummy the screen has seen since Dawn of the Mummy.  The scenes of him licking and biting helpless maidens are surprisingly effective.  The sacrifice scenes have a Blood Feast kind of feel to them, although aside from one solid heart-ripping scene, they aren’t all that gory.  The film is also filled with photo shoot sequences (including one inspired by Basic Instinct where the model has to keep crossing and uncrossing her legs) and Psycho-inspired shots of Longo peeping on the models changing. 

Despite the overall air of seediness, there is very little in the way of nudity, other than a couple of nip slips.  That’s not really a criticism, but more of an observation.  I mean W.A.V.E. movies are more or less critic-proof to begin with.  You either dig whatever particular brand of nuttiness they’ve dreamed up, or you don’t. 

The cast is solid all the way around.  Longo once again brings his amusing antics to the table as the psycho photographer.  Castiglione impressively manages to make his character memorable even while buried under tons of make-up and bandages.  The line-up of W.A.V.E. starlets, including Michelle Caporaletti, Christie Clark, and Terri Lewandowski, are also quite good at playing their doomed characters.  

FANTASTIC FANTASY FRIGHT-O-RAMA SHOW VOL. 1 (1996) *** ½

Something Weird concocted another winner when they made this horror and Sci-Fi trailer compilation tape.  What makes this collection so much fun is that it offers a good mix of eras (from the ‘50s to the ‘70s) and subgenres (everything from giant lizards to Edgar Allan Poe adaptations).  We also get a nice blend of respectable studio films (The Illustrated Man, Fantastic Voyage, and Escape from the Planet of the Apes) and low budget schlock (The Giant Claw, Beast from Haunted Cave, and Werewolf in a Girls’ Dormitory).  Speaking of which, many trailers for films that played on Mystery Science Theater 3000 show up here too (like The Giant Gila Monster, The Unearthly, and Bride of the Monster).  Other highlights include the awesome sounds of The Rivingtons’ “The Bird’s the Word” playing throughout the trailer for The Crawling Hand (which was another MST3K favorite.)

We are also treated to a lot of previews for films from the masters of the macabre like Vincent Price (The Conqueror Worm, House of Usher, and Cry of the Banshee), and Christopher Lee (Horror Hotel, The Oblong Box, and Night of the Blood Monster).  Fans of terrific taglines will be in hog heaven as well.  Some of my favorites include, “The fun finger points to Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine!”  The trailer for The Face of Fu Manchu announces its title character as “The sinister minister of fear!”  The ad for Five Million Years to Earth promises, “Women will be defiled by the invaders from outer space!” and The Crimson Cult boasts, “Every victim violated!”  How can you not want to see THAT?  I did think it was odd that some trailers for color movies are in black and white (most notably Peeping Tom), but that doesn’t in any way ruin the fun. 

And kids!  Don’t forget to pick up your “Black Stamps” when you catch a double feature of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb!

Here’s the complete trailer rundown:  Jason and the Argonauts, Captain Sindbad (sp), Horror Hotel, The Raven, The Crawling Hand, The Haunted Palace, Children of the Damned, a double feature of The Gorgon and The Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb, 7 Faces of Dr. Lao, First Men in the Moon, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, The Face of Fu Manchu, a double feature of Die Monster Die and Planet of the Vampires, Fantastic Voyage, What’s up Tiger Lily?, The Fearless Vampire Killers, One Million Years B.C., Barbarella, Thunderbirds are Go, Five Million Years to Earth, Kiss and Kill (AKA:  The Blood of Fu Manchu), Brides of Blood, The Conqueror Worm, The Evil, Phantasm, Up from the Depths, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, The Love Factor, Peeping Tom, Circus of Horrors, Beast from Haunted Cave, The Little Shop of Horrors, The Devil’s Partner, The Premature Burial, Werewolf in a Girls' Dormitory, The Giant Gila Monster, The Giant Behemoth, Godzilla King of the Monsters, Earth vs. the Flying Saucers, Gorgo, Konga, Bride of the Monster, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Enemy from Space, The Giant Claw, The Unearthly, Reptilicus, King Kong vs. Godzilla, The Leech Woman, House of Usher, The Devil’s Bride, The Crimson Cult, The Valley of Gwangi, The Illustrated Man, The Green Slime, The Oblong Box, The Dunwich Horror, a double feature of The Crimson Cult and Horror House, Count Yorga Vampire, Cry of the Banshee, House of Dark Shadows, Night of the Blood Monster, and a double feature of Countess Dracula and Vampire Circus. 

TRAILERS #16: SWORD/SANDAL (1992) ***

Sword and Sandal epics from the ‘50s and ‘60s aren’t necessarily my favorite genre, but after I recently had fun with the Muscles, Maidens, and Monsters compilation, I figured I’d watch another Something Weird trailer compilation devoted to them. 

There are some definite highlights here as the best trailers often have a tinge of horror and/or Sci-Fi elements that help to differentiate them from dozens of other interchangeable toga epics.  There’s the wild looking trailer for Goliath and the Vampire which features some gnarly carnage.  Winged creatures and phony looking bears are tossed around in the preview for Goliath and the Dragon.  The coming attractions for Ulysses boasts Kirk Douglas squaring off against a giant cyclops.  The special effects wizardry of Ray Harryhausen is on display in the trailers for Jason and the Argonauts, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, and Clash of the Titans.  Atlantis:  The Lost Continent has animal men straight out of the Island of Dr. Moreau and the flying zombies of Mario Bava’s Hercules in the Haunted World are pretty cool looking.  Speaking of old Herc, there are plenty of previews for his adventures, including one for a double feature of Hercules and Hercules Unchained starring Steve Reeves and there’s even an ad for the Lou Ferrigno version from the ‘80s too. 

About halfway through, the format changes and instead of trailers, we get to watch an unsold Hercules pilot directed by Albert (Ghoulies 2) Band, produced by Joseph E. Levine (who also produced the Steve Reeves Hercules movies), and starring Gordon Scott called Hercules and the Princess of Troy (***).  Hercules liberates a slave ship and heads to Troy to do battle with a sea monster who has a nasty habit of eating up the city’s virgins.  It’s pretty decent, all things considered.  It looks much more like a feature than a TV show and the sea monster is legitimately cool looking, at least once it hits dry land.  (Even if it does look more like a giant cockroach than a “sea monster”.)

For the last half hour or so, things switch back to the trailer format, except this time they have a more jungle inspired theme.  My guess is that Something Weird ran out of Italian musclemen trailers in a hurry, so in an effort to fill out a two-hour tape, they gave us musclemen of the Jungle Jim/Tarzan variety.  (Also included are trailers for serials like King of the Congo and Panther Girl of the Kongo ).

Overall, it’s a fun way to kill two hours, even if they kind of forget the theme by the end.  There are also some great taglines along the way.  My favorite was for War of the Zombies, which promises:  “Bloodless men in the bloodiest battle ever screened!”

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Atlas, Goliath and the Vampires, Goliath and the Dragon, Ulysses, Duel of the Titans, Atlantis:  The Lost Continent, a double feature of Hercules and Hercules Unchained, Hercules Unchained, Hercules in the Haunted World, Hercules Against the Moon Men, Giant of Metropolis, Gladiators Seven, Erik the Conqueror, Jason and the Argonauts, War of the Zombies, Knives of the Avenger, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, The Wizard of Baghdad, Thief of Baghdad, Clash of the Titans, Jack the Giant Killer, Hercules (1983), Hercules and the Princess of Troy (TV pilot), King of the Congo, Panther Girl of the Kongo, Bride of the Gorilla, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, She Demons, Voodoo Woman, Tarzan and the She-Devil, The Naked Jungle, Tarzan’s Hidden Jungle, Liane Jungle Goddess, Hell Ship Mutiny, Love-Slaves of the Amazons, The Bride and the Beast, and Journey to the Lost City. 

AMITYVILLE FRANKENSTEIN (2023) NO STARS

A movie nerd (the always annoying Shawn C. Phillips) sits down and watches “Terror Telly”, where a horror host plays a flick called” Bungling Burglars”.  In it, two thieves break into a spooky warehouse.  While trying to steal an antique watch, they accidentally resurrect two Frankenstein creatures.  Then, there’s a preview for next week’s movie, “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, which is pretty self-explanatory. 

It took a while, but I finally found it.  I think I can safely say Amityville Frankenstein is the worst movie that has the word “Amityville” in the title.  That’s a bold statement I know but coming from someone who’s seen over fifty fake Amityville movies in his time, I think I can judge it accordingly. 

Folks, no movie has contained less movie than this movie. 

Amityville Frankenstein is heavily padded with the wraparound scenes with Phillips, long opening and closing credits sequences (both for the movie and for the horror host program), irritating stretches of the horror movie host rambling on, exorbitantly long scenes of people walking up stairs and/or stumbling in the dark, seemingly unending establishing shots (sometimes of locations that have already been firmly established), and annoyingly long shots of someone getting electrocuted. 

The scenes of Phillips mugging for the camera and shoving food in his mouth are rather insufferable.  The stuff with the horror host isn’t nearly as bad, but it’s still pretty useless.  And the less said about “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, the better. 

It’s only sixty-two minutes long, but it feels about three times that length.  If I had to guess, I’d say there’s only about four minutes of actual “plot” in the entire running time, and that is being generous.  As someone who thinks fake Amityville movies are a guilty pleasure, Amityville Frankenstein gives the genre a bad name, and boy is that saying something. 

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE: THE FINAL RECKONING (2025) **

The last Mission:  Impossible ended on a cliffhanger and was even titled Dead Reckoning Part One.  This sequel scrapped the “Part Two” and is just subtitled The Final Reckoning.  The only problem with that is that the last one, while entertaining, wasn’t exactly memorable.  So, going into it, I was kind of worried I was going to wrack my brain to remember what the hell happened in that one.  (The Christopher McQuarrie era of M:  I films have kind of started to run together for me.)  

The Final Reckoning anticipates this and gives us a bit of a refresher in the beginning.  (Ethan Hunt, once again played by Tom Cruise, has to stop a rogue AI from taking over the world.)  However, McQuarrie goes overboard with all the exposition dumps and needless flashbacks to the previous movies (and flashbacks to stuff we just saw ten minutes ago).  All this does is add to the already jaw-dropping run time.  (It’s nearly three hours.)  Shit, this could’ve been a three-parter.  The constant stream of exposition from scene to scene makes for an awfully clunky narrative and gets in the way of the fun.  In fact, the whole enterprise seems like a bet McQuarrie made to see how much exposition he can fit into a movie.  The answer is a shit ton. 

I hate AI as much as the next guy, but a faceless “Entity” doesn’t exactly make for a compelling villain for a long-running franchise.  It doesn’t help that it’s merely a thinly veiled stand-in for “Fake News” on the internet (“It wants us fighting each other!”) or that Esai Morales isn’t much of a human villain either.  I mean, everything Hunt has always tried to steal to the “Knock List” to the “Rabbit’s Foot” has simply been a McGuffin.  A plot device.  We don’t need to explain what it is.  We just need to know he has to get it to save the world.  This time out, the plan seems to be talking it to death. 

This definitely feels like the last one.  There are lots of references and clips from the previous adventures, although all that really does is eat up more screen time.  We also get dumb plot twist involving someone being related to a previous member of the team that just lands goofy. 

Maybe all my quibbles wouldn’t have amounted to much if the action was strong.  However, the gun fights and hand-to-hand stuff feel weak, and the big set pieces pale in comparison to the other installments.  I mean, in Rogue Nation, Cruise hung outside of a real jet.  In this one, he hangs off the side of a biplane.  Yes, the stunt is impressive, and I commend Tom’s desire to entertain audiences, but it just seems like a step backwards.  The series’ batting average has been strong till now and since this is the only real clunker in the franchise, I’d say it would be easy to forgive it if it hadn’t been so damn long. 

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to sit through nearly three hours of exposition in order to get to a few ho-hum action sequences that lack the kick of the franchise’s best work.  Judging by the mediocre box office, the series will probably self-destruct in five seconds. 

AKA:  Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning Part Two.

DEAFULA (1975) *** ½

Deafula is the first movie filmed in “Signscope” for deaf audiences.  Not content to be just a Dracula flick with the novelty of actors using sign language (don’t worry, there are narrators who translate for non-deaf audience members), the filmmakers have concocted a weird and arty flick that would be unique even if it didn’t feature characters signing.  (Well, except for the hunchback who doesn’t have hands.)  If you were thinking this was going to be a straight-up adaptation of Dracula, but with sign language, think again.  It’s an odd and unforgettable experience altogether. 

Steve (writer and co-director Peter Wechsberg, who kind of looks like a blonde Bob Seger) is a deeply religious son of a preacher man who had a deadly blood disease as a child which turned him into a vampire.  Years later, whenever Steve thirsts for blood, he transforms into a bloodsucker with a big fake nose and a Dracula cape.  The police are baffled, so they call on an expert from England who is convinced a vampire was responsible. 

It all sounds like a typical vampire movie, but Deafula is anything but.  Even without the signing, it would still make for an arty good time.  The black and white photography is dreamlike and there are several memorable touches.  Even the vampire attack scenes have an offbeat energy about them, and there’s at least one disturbing flashback sequence.  The fact that the filmmakers throw out much of the commonly accepted vampire lore (I mean Deafula is a priest!) adds to the anything-goes atmosphere. 

The only real debit is the anticlimactic ending.  If the film ended with Deafula’s battle with the real Count Dracula, it probably would’ve been a Four Star flick.  Unfortunately, it continues on about fifteen minutes too long and the heavily religious closing scene kind of takes the wind out of the movie’s sails. 

That said, this is a one-of-a-kind flick.  Vampire aficionados who think they’ve seen it all should check it out.  Fans of Obscure-O-Rama cinema will want to give it a look-see too. 

AKA:  Young Deafula.

THE RIDER OF THE SKULLS (1965) ***

I saw parts of this on the Something Weird compilation Mexican Monsters on the March and it looked pretty cool.  I found it online, so I figured I’d check it out.  The copy I saw didn’t have subtitles, but when has that ever stopped me from watching an old Mexican monster movie?

The basic premise is “The Rider”, who is essentially a mash-up of Zorro and one of the Three Amigos tangles with various monsters in the Old West.  It’s basically a stitched together feature from what looks to have been a TV show or a serial.  That means The Rider fights a new monster every twenty minutes or so, which is all right by me. 

A witch turns a poor guy into a werewolf who roams around killing people.  The witch also has the power to make zombies rise from their grave and talk.  The Rider, who wears a black mask, a wide brimmed hat, and a cool jacket with a skull and crossbones on it, does battle with the monster.  Later, he tries to save a woman who has been put under the spell of a vampire and even goes head to… uh… head with a headless horseman and some skull-faced monks (who look like a more badass version of the Crimson Skull).

The werewolf is basically just a guy in a shoddy Halloween mask but I for one wouldn’t have it any other way.   It is interesting that in the werewolf’s lap dissolve transformation scene that the guy first turns into a skeleton before becoming the werewolf.  That means it predates the similar (though much more elaborate) transformation in The Howling 4 by several decades.  I did think it was weird that bullets and knives don’t harm the wolf man, but he is killed when he (spoiler) falls off a cliff?!? 

The vampire is very cool too.  He’s basically just a dude with a creepy face (it looks like they put papier mache over a Lucha Libre mask), giant pointy ears, and a Dracula cape.  The jump cut transformation scenes when he turns into a bat are surprisingly effective. 

The headless horseman is shoddy looking.  And by “shoddy looking”, I mean “awesome”.  You know those headless costumes you see people wearing at Halloween parties?  Well, imagine a dime store South of the Border variation and that may give you an idea of what we have here.  (His talking severed head is cool too.)

The Rider has not one, but two sidekicks including a little kid and an old guy that provides the unnecessary (and unfunny) comic relief.  One or the other would’ve sufficed.  Heck, he really didn’t need either of them.  However, they don’t get in the way of the fun. 

Make no bones about it, The Rider of the Skulls is perfect entertainment for fans of Mexican monster movies. 

COVER UP (1991) **

The stars of The Punisher, Dolph Lundgren and Louis Gossett, Jr. reunited two years later for this dull and forgettable thriller.  Dolph plays a journalist who travels to Israel to do a story on an attack on an American naval base.  Seems the attack was just a cover for a theft of a deadly nerve gas the U.S. was hiding there.  Dolph’s best friend is blamed for the theft and when he is killed, it looks like Dolph will be next. 

I know we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover (up), but Dolph is sorely miscast as a reporter.  I know in real life he’s got a degree in chemical engineering and speaks a mess of languages, but he just looks out of his depth in this movie.  He does what he can, all things considered.  It’s just kind of hard to buy him as a cigar chomping newspaperman.  It is a little amusing that they have to give him a military background to explain his size and ass-kicking capabilities. 

The supporting cast is solid.  Gossett is good and is one of the few actors that seem to be able to realistically intimidate Dolph.  Lisa Berkeley is also quite strong as Dolph’s old flame.  Incredibly enough, this was her only role which is shocking because she has a lot of screen presence. 

Directed by Manny (Dr. Giggles) Coto, Cover Up is rather pedestrian.  It’s slow to start and it doesn’t help that it lands more on the espionage/conspiracy side of the action fence.  We eventually get some car chases and fight scenes, but they are a long time coming.  Once we finally do get around to them, they aren’t exactly worth writing home about.  (The abrupt ending doesn’t help much either.)  Aside from one funny bit involving a concierge at a ratty hotel, it’s pretty much by the numbers in every regard. 

FINDERS KEEPERS, LOVERS WEEPERS! (1968) ***

Paul (Paul Lockwood) is the owner of a topless go-go club.  Whenever he isn’t tying one on, he’s busy cheating on his wife Kelly (Anne Chapman from The Blue Hour) with a series of sexy sex workers.  Meanwhile, a plot brews to knock over the club.   While Kelly is busy making time with Ray (Gordon Wescourt), the stud bartender, thieves enter the bar with the intention of ripping the joint off, which further complicates matters. 

The opening scenes of Finders Keepers, Lovers Weepers! are pure Russ Meyer.  It contains his patented rapid-fire editing as he juxtaposes fast cars with hot and busty go-go girls.  The credits sequence set in the bar, where the names of the cast and crew appear on liquor bottles is also fun, and the theme song is a real toe-tapper too. 

The oddest scene finds a hooker insisting on shaving Paul (if you know what I mean) before doing the deed.  She then flashes back to her days as a young Mennonite flying a kite in a field just as she reaches her climax.  (Meyer’s cutaways to an erupting fountain in the next sex scene is a bit more conventional.) 

Chapman is dynamite, and it’s a shame she only made one film with Meyer as she definitely understood the assignment.  Meyer loved using impossibly busty actresses for his films and not only can she act, but she’s also impossibly busty.  In fact, I’d even say she was overqualified for the role, if you catch my drift.  She gets a great underwater fuck scene too. (This one features cutaways to a demolition derby.)

The melodrama is a bit lacking in comparison to Meyer’s other stuff at the time.  It’s an overall smaller movie that’s also missing some of the sheer exuberance that hallmarks his best work.  With a director like Russ, whose cinematic vision is so singular, the only competition he really has is himself.  Compared to other directors’ output at the time it’s breezy fun.  When judged against his filmography, it comes up a bit short.  Don’t take that as a knock against it as Finders Keepers, Lovers Weeper! is still an enjoyable flick and a terrific vehicle for Chapman.  

ON HER BED OF ROSES (1966) **

In 1966, director Albert Zugsmith made a one-two punch of sexploitation films that purported to be based on academic books about sex.  Both On Her Bed of Roses and The Incredible Sex Revolution feature much of the same cast.  (Although Hampton Fancher and Alex D’Arcy are noticeably absent in this one.)  Neither are peculiarly good, and both go on far too long (both clock in at over a hundred minutes), but I would give this one the edge if only for the strong central performance by Sandra Lynn. 

On Her Bed of Roses is supposedly adapted from Psychedelic Sexualis, “The book that shocked the world!”  (Do you have your copy?)  As with Revolution, Dr. Lee Gladden appears although this time, he’s not playing himself. 

A nut named Stephen (Ronald Warren) snaps, grabs a rifle, and starts picking off people at random on a busy street.  When the cops close in, he turns the gun on himself.  Meanwhile, his girlfriend Melissa (Lynn) relates flashbacks to her shrink (Gladden) about her problems.  Seems she’s a nymphomaniac with severe daddy issues.  She takes to the awkward and shy Stephen, mostly because he is the first guy who never made a pass at her.  After his kill spree, Melissa winds up blaming herself for the ordeal, although the doctor tries to make her see that’s not the case. 

The opening is long winded and ultimately seems like a gross exploitation of ‘50s mass murderers like Charles Whitman.  It’s totally unnecessary and gets the movie off on the wrong foot.  Fortunately, things improve once Lynn shows up, even if the scenes with Gladden in his office tend to drag. 

The highlight is the long party scene that appears smack dab in the middle of the action.  It features scads of T & A, including topless dancing, topless canoodling, topless pillow fights, and Pat Barrington doing a topless belly dance.  It all culminates in an underwater catfight between Lynn and Lovey Song.  Sadly, unbridled fun like this is sorely lacking elsewhere in the picture. 

AKA:  Psychedelic Sexualis.  AKA:  Psychopathia Sexualis.