TRAILERS #16: SWORD/SANDAL (1992) ***

Sword and Sandal epics from the ‘50s and ‘60s aren’t necessarily my favorite genre, but after I recently had fun with the Muscles, Maidens, and Monsters compilation, I figured I’d watch another Something Weird trailer compilation devoted to them. 

There are some definite highlights here as the best trailers often have a tinge of horror and/or Sci-Fi elements that help to differentiate them from dozens of other interchangeable toga epics.  There’s the wild looking trailer for Goliath and the Vampire which features some gnarly carnage.  Winged creatures and phony looking bears are tossed around in the preview for Goliath and the Dragon.  The coming attractions for Ulysses boasts Kirk Douglas squaring off against a giant cyclops.  The special effects wizardry of Ray Harryhausen is on display in the trailers for Jason and the Argonauts, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, and Clash of the Titans.  Atlantis:  The Lost Continent has animal men straight out of the Island of Dr. Moreau and the flying zombies of Mario Bava’s Hercules in the Haunted World are pretty cool looking.  Speaking of old Herc, there are plenty of previews for his adventures, including one for a double feature of Hercules and Hercules Unchained starring Steve Reeves and there’s even an ad for the Lou Ferrigno version from the ‘80s too. 

About halfway through, the format changes and instead of trailers, we get to watch an unsold Hercules pilot directed by Albert (Ghoulies 2) Band, produced by Joseph E. Levine (who also produced the Steve Reeves Hercules movies), and starring Gordon Scott called Hercules and the Princess of Troy (***).  Hercules liberates a slave ship and heads to Troy to do battle with a sea monster who has a nasty habit of eating up the city’s virgins.  It’s pretty decent, all things considered.  It looks much more like a feature than a TV show and the sea monster is legitimately cool looking, at least once it hits dry land.  (Even if it does look more like a giant cockroach than a “sea monster”.)

For the last half hour or so, things switch back to the trailer format, except this time they have a more jungle inspired theme.  My guess is that Something Weird ran out of Italian musclemen trailers in a hurry, so in an effort to fill out a two-hour tape, they gave us musclemen of the Jungle Jim/Tarzan variety.  (Also included are trailers for serials like King of the Congo and Panther Girl of the Kongo ).

Overall, it’s a fun way to kill two hours, even if they kind of forget the theme by the end.  There are also some great taglines along the way.  My favorite was for War of the Zombies, which promises:  “Bloodless men in the bloodiest battle ever screened!”

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Atlas, Goliath and the Vampires, Goliath and the Dragon, Ulysses, Duel of the Titans, Atlantis:  The Lost Continent, a double feature of Hercules and Hercules Unchained, Hercules Unchained, Hercules in the Haunted World, Hercules Against the Moon Men, Giant of Metropolis, Gladiators Seven, Erik the Conqueror, Jason and the Argonauts, War of the Zombies, Knives of the Avenger, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, The Wizard of Baghdad, Thief of Baghdad, Clash of the Titans, Jack the Giant Killer, Hercules (1983), Hercules and the Princess of Troy (TV pilot), King of the Congo, Panther Girl of the Kongo, Bride of the Gorilla, Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla, She Demons, Voodoo Woman, Tarzan and the She-Devil, The Naked Jungle, Tarzan’s Hidden Jungle, Liane Jungle Goddess, Hell Ship Mutiny, Love-Slaves of the Amazons, The Bride and the Beast, and Journey to the Lost City. 

AMITYVILLE FRANKENSTEIN (2023) NO STARS

A movie nerd (the always annoying Shawn C. Phillips) sits down and watches “Terror Telly”, where a horror host plays a flick called” Bungling Burglars”.  In it, two thieves break into a spooky warehouse.  While trying to steal an antique watch, they accidentally resurrect two Frankenstein creatures.  Then, there’s a preview for next week’s movie, “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, which is pretty self-explanatory. 

It took a while, but I finally found it.  I think I can safely say Amityville Frankenstein is the worst movie that has the word “Amityville” in the title.  That’s a bold statement I know but coming from someone who’s seen over fifty fake Amityville movies in his time, I think I can judge it accordingly. 

Folks, no movie has contained less movie than this movie. 

Amityville Frankenstein is heavily padded with the wraparound scenes with Phillips, long opening and closing credits sequences (both for the movie and for the horror host program), irritating stretches of the horror movie host rambling on, exorbitantly long scenes of people walking up stairs and/or stumbling in the dark, seemingly unending establishing shots (sometimes of locations that have already been firmly established), and annoyingly long shots of someone getting electrocuted. 

The scenes of Phillips mugging for the camera and shoving food in his mouth are rather insufferable.  The stuff with the horror host isn’t nearly as bad, but it’s still pretty useless.  And the less said about “I Drink Tea and Watch You Die Slowly”, the better. 

It’s only sixty-two minutes long, but it feels about three times that length.  If I had to guess, I’d say there’s only about four minutes of actual “plot” in the entire running time, and that is being generous.  As someone who thinks fake Amityville movies are a guilty pleasure, Amityville Frankenstein gives the genre a bad name, and boy is that saying something.