SPACE GIRLS IN BEVERLY HILLS (2009) ½ *

Don’t let the title, cover, and the presence of Julie Strain make you think this is a Skinamax movie.  It’s more of a vanity project for Donna (Dinosaur Valley Girls) Spangler.  In addition to starring as Katana, the lead space girl, she also wrote the screenplay, produced and sings some crummy songs.  She isn’t a bad actress, but her script is lousy and full of unfunny jokes.

After a Star Wars-style opening crawl, the plot begins.  A trio of sexy space women led by Spangler are sent to Beverly Hills to find men to repopulate their alien race.  Meanwhile, a rich playboy (director Tim Colceri) goes trolling around the city looking for a hot date.  The space women crash land in his yard, and he takes them in.  Eventually, he and Spangler fall in love and helps her accomplish her mission.

It’s one thing to do a throwback to a ‘50s sci-fi movie.  However, if you’re going to do that, at least have special effects and sets that are on par with the good old days.  The CGI special effects and backgrounds are terrible, and the spaceship interiors are shoddy.

There’s really nothing here that a little nudity wouldn’t cure.  Sadly, none of the space girls (or earth girls for that matter) get naked.  For a movie where the characters constantly talk about sex and/or dress in skintight outfits, there’s no nudity, which sends the film right down the shitter.  When Colceri and Spangler finally hook up, they cut right to the cuddling and don’t even show them getting it on.  I mean, what can you say about a movie in which the hero gets a gratuitous shower scene and the leading lady doesn’t?  Imagine a Skinamax flick without the nudity and that’s about what you get with Space Girls in Beverly Hills.

It also doesn’t help that it takes the space girls almost an hour to get to Earth.  Just when you think it can’t get any worse, Spangler sings not one, but three crappy love songs. Julie Strain is the only name in the cast.  She’s only in the early scenes as the space queen who sends the girls on their mission.  After she disappears, so does the fun.

Colceri gets the best line of the movie when he says, “This is the snatch capital of the world!”

BAD ASS (2012) ***

The world needs more Mexploitation action flicks starring Danny Trejo beyond the Machete series.  Bad Ass fills that void nicely.  It sometimes feels like a throwback to an ‘80s Charles Bronson actioner with a decidedly Latin flavor (there’s often mariachi music on the soundtrack).  Other times, it feels like one of those ‘90s DTV thrillers that shamelessly recycle action scenes from other movies.  (It steals the bus chase from Red Heat for its climax.)  

The world also needs more geriatric-centered action movies.  I mean we cannot get by on Gran Torino and Bubba Ho-Tep alone.  That’s another reason why Bad Ass works so well.

At the center of everything is another great performance by Trejo.  He’s playing a character that’s older than himself, but there’s still enough of that badass swagger here that’s made him such a cinematic legend.  If you’re a fan of the man, you’ll won’t want to miss this one.

Trejo stars as an elderly Nam vet whose life seems to have slowly slipped by him.  One day, while riding a bus, he notices two skinheads harassing an old man and he interjects.  They provoke him, and he beats their ass in record time.  A passenger captures the fight on their phone and it quickly becomes an internet sensation.  People start looking up to him and he even earns the nickname “Bad Ass”.  When his friend is killed, Bad Ass soon realizes that the system doesn’t work, so he goes out on the street seeking his own brand of justice.

Sporting a beard, a baseball hat, and a fanny pack, Trejo is miles away from his usual screen persona.  At least on the outside.  Even though the dude is rocking the fanny pack, the movie never makes fun of him.  If anything, it is a reminder to respect your elders because they can surely kick your ass anytime they want.

The first half feels like it’s going to be more of a comedy.  Things switch gears in the second half when it becomes a decent Death Wish variation.  Director Craig Moss handles the switch seamlessly as there are plenty of laughs and legitimate badass moments to be had in both sections.

The supporting cast is solid.  Ron Perlman makes for a suitably evil villain as the crooked politician who ordered the hit on Trejo’s buddy.  Charles S. Dutton also puts in a good turn as Perlman’s enforcer.  The movie really belongs to Trejo though.  He’s a lot of fun to watch and I surely hope he continues making more of these (I plan on watching the sequels very soon) because the world needs more Mexican (and elderly) action heroes.

VENUS RISING (1996) *

A young woman named Eve (Audie England) escapes from a futuristic island prison and winds up in a resort area.  She befriends a pill-popping woman (Meredith Salenger) who shows her kindness and takes her in.  When her host disappears mysteriously, Eve is left to her own devices.  She then noodles around on her Virtual Reality headset and begins frequenting online sex rooms.  She even manages to find love with her cyberspace boyfriend (Billy Wirth) in real life.  Eventually, another prisoner (Costas Mandylor) comes looking for Eve, which threatens to ruin everything for her.

There are times where Venus Rising almost feels unfinished.  I don’t know if the budget ran out of money or if the script was already wonky to begin with.  It tosses a lot of elements together like prison escapes, futuristic advances (there’s a silver pyramid that offers mood-enhancing pills), and Virtual Reality (which was big at the time and is now enjoying a sizeable renaissance today), but nothing really sticks.  The sci-fi elements seem half-hearted at best (or maybe that was due to the restrained budget) and are incongruous with the main thrust of the action. It’s also slow moving, awkwardly paced, and not very involving.  

Its biggest crime though is that it manages to waste a good cast that includes Joel Grey, Dennis Dun, Morgan Fairchild, and Jessica Alba (who plays a young version of Eve in a dream/flashback).  None of them are given anything remotely useful to do, which makes the movie even more frustrating.  I guess it would be one thing if Audie England could carry the film on her own accord, but she just doesn’t have the chops to portray a likeable heroine.

In short, Venus Rising sinks to the bottom of the barrel.  

ELVIS PRESLEY: THE SEARCHER (2018) ***

Elvis Presley:  The Searcher was made with the cooperation of Graceland and Priscilla Presley.  It’s a massive, two-part, nearly four-hour documentary on the life and times of The King.  Quite honestly, it could’ve been whittled down to a two-hour running time.  With so many documentaries and specials about Elvis already out there, I’m not sure why we needed another one.  However, there are enough stirring moments (particularly in the second part) to make its existence justified.

The first part (** ½) covers Elvis’ youth, rise to stardom, and entry into the Army.  All this material has been covered countless times before and done much better in a shorter time.  I also could’ve done without all the pointless shots of the interior of Graceland while producers, writers, and other performers talk about Elvis.  The problem is that the pool of interviewees seems a bit small.  While hearing from Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen is cool and all, the stuff from Elvis’ friends and confidants are much more enlightening.  I for one would’ve liked to hear more from Elvis in his own words because when he speaks, whether through candid interviews or in song lyrics, it says more about him than anyone else could say. 

The second half (*** ½) is a big improvement. It covers the time after Elvis’ military service, his string of Hollywood movies, the Comeback Special, and the non-stop touring of his later years.  While I don't agree with the documentary’s consensus that his movies were mostly terrible (even the worst ones are worth watching just because of his singular screen presence), everything about the second half feels tighter and more concise.  Also, we hear a lot more from Elvis in this section, which helps put us squarely in his headspace.  

The most effective moments surround his final days.  When we hear Elvis singing “Hurt” days away from his death during the “Jungle Room Sessions”, it gives us a clearer picture of what he was going through than anything else in the movie can offer.  The moments where we hear him perform “Separate Ways” in the context of his divorce is equally heart-wrenching.  The film also cunningly finds a way to let The King go out on top, ending things with him performing a rousing rendition of “If I Can Dream” from the Comeback Special.

As good as the second half of Elvis Presley:  The Searcher is, it’s far from perfect.  They gloss over his black belt in karate and don’t mention his historic meeting with Richard Nixon at all.  Despite that, there are plenty of good moments here.  I’m sure there was an excellent two-hour documentary lurking about, if only director Thom Zimny had been disciplined enough to pare it down more.  Even in its overlong form, it’s still worth a look for die-hard Elvis fans. 

ISLE OF DOGS (2018) *** ½

Wes Anderson’s latest contains more imagination and sheer fun crammed into any single given frame than most movies have in their entire running time.  The fact that it’s a stop-motion film makes it even more impressive.  When I saw Ready Player One, I said it would become one of the most paused movies on home video because the frame is filled with so much eye candy.  The same can be said for Isle of Dogs. 

Twenty years into the future, Japan puts a ban on all dogs and exiles them to Trash Island.  A pack of dogs (voiced by the likes of Bryan Cranston, Jeff Goldblum, Bill Murray, Edward Norton, and Bob Balaban) roam the island getting into scrapes with other dogs.  When a little boy lands on the island looking for his long-lost pet, the dogs decide to help him on his quest.

Isle of Dogs is visually impressive first and foremost.  It is a feast for the eyes.  Many sequences have tons of moving parts, but the low-tech ways Anderson and his animators achieve the simplest effects are often the most endearing.  I especially loved it when the cotton balls appear over the dogs each time they fight.  The Japanese motif of the film is beautiful too and it would make a great double feature with Kubo and the Two Strings. 

The animation on the dogs is adorable.  The excellent vocal cast expertly add life to their characters.  Cranston does especially well in his first foray into Anderson’s cinematic universe and gets the best line of the movie when he says, “I’ve seen cats with more balls than you dogs!”

The film is enchanting enough for you to forgive the fact that it runs on about fifteen minutes too long.  There’s probably at least one too many unnecessary side jaunts and/or flashbacks.  Even when the movie spins its wheels late in the second act, you can keep yourself amused by the jaw-dropping beauty of the lush backgrounds.  It’s definitely one of the best family movies of the year.

ACTS OF VIOLENCE (2018) ***

Roman (Ashton Holmes) is about to be married to his childhood sweetheart Mia (Melissa Bolona).  When she is kidnapped by white slavers during her bachelorette party, Roman enlists the help of his Army Ranger brothers (Cole Hauser and Shawn Ashmore) to get her back.  Meanwhile, a detective on the case (Bruce Willis) tries to bring the slavers down using good old-fashioned law and order, although he knows the system is pretty much broken.

On the surface, Acts of Violence looks like it’s going to be another one of Willis’ interchangeable DTV actioners.  In most of these things, Willis has a leading role, but only appears briefly throughout the film.  The surprising thing about this one is that the script finds an organic way to work him into the story.  His role may be smallish, but at least he’s given a character worthy of his talents.  Apparently, he was only on the set for a day, although you’d never know because he’s so well utilized.

It also helps that the central story involving the three brothers is well-acted and absorbing.  I liked seeing them using their military training and transplanting their skills into an urban environment.  The performances by Hauser (who is suffering from PTSD) and Ashmore (the levelheaded family man) are solid and Bolona does a good job as the kidnapped sister.  It was also great seeing the usually funny Mike Epps (who also appeared in Death Wish with Willis) in a sinister turn as the head of the white slavery operation.

I’m a sucker for these Death Wish/Taken variations.  This one has enough twists on the formula while delivering on the exploitation goods you’d want from a revenge thriller.  It also helps that the action sequences are competently staged and crisply filmed, with none of that shaky-cam shit to get in the way.  Acts of Violence won’t win any awards, but it’s an entertaining way for an action fan to kill 86 minutes.

MUTANT HUNT (1987) * ½

The head of a robotics company, Z (Bill Peterson) pumps a bunch of “Euphoron” drugs into his cyborgs and turns them into mutant killers.  The scientist who created the robots is captured by Z’s men, but his sister (Mary Fahey) escapes.  She then gets bounty hunter Matt Riker (Rick Gianasi) to help her save her brother and dispose of the robots.

Mutant Hunt was written and directed by Tim (Breeders) Kincaid.  Like most of his films, it suffers from a cheap budget.  If Kincaid has a talent, it’s making the abandoned storefronts, scuzzy basement apartments, and junkyards of ‘80s New York look like a “futuristic wasteland”.  (In fact, I think some of the boiler rooms and basement sets were reused from Kincaid’s Robot Holocaust.)  

The robot effects are pretty cheesy, but they’re good for a laugh or two.  I liked the scene where one of the mutants was handcuffed and then turned his arm into Stretch Armstrong to escape.  The messy, gooey aftermaths of the dispatched robots (especially the half-melted robot) are the best things about the movie.

The action is pathetic though.  The funniest bit comes when Riker gets chased his apartment in his underwear by some robots.  The various fight scenes and shootouts are weak too.  Kincaid even drops the ball when it comes to the kickboxing stripper.

The flubbed lines, static camera shots, and long, boring dialogue scenes filled with inane gobbledygook make much of this a chore to sit through.  The pacing is sluggish, and the seventy-five-minute running time feels much longer.  Overall, it’s not nearly as bad as Kincaid’s Robot Holocaust, but it doesn’t come close to matching the sleazy thrills of Breeders.  The music (which sounds like a rip-off of the Miami Vice theme) is pretty good though.

AKA:  Matt Riker.  AKA:  Robot Killer.