HERCULES, SAMSON AND ULYSSES (1965) ** ½

Hercules (Kirk Morris) and Ulysses (Enzo Cerusico) go help some fisherman slay a sea monster.  During the battle, their ship capsizes, and they wind up ashore in Judea.  Not long after, Hercules fights and kills a lion, which gets him mistaken for the legendary strongman, Samson (Richard Lloyd).  This naturally draws the ire of the king, Laertes (Andrea Fantasia) and he orders the death of several townspeople, which sends Samson into a fury.  Thinking Herc was the one responsible, Samson goes on a warpath looking for the son of Zeus to get some payback.  Eventually the duo decides they’re stronger if they work together and they set out to bring an end to Laertes’ reign.

Hercules, Samson and Ulysses was directed by Pietro Francisci, the man who started the sword and sandal craze with the original Hercules.  It’s a strange mix of Italian peplum and biblical epic that’s just different enough to be memorable and almost silly enough to be a minor cult item.  It’s also a bit more violent than your typical peplum adventure as lots of extras get crucified, hung, and speared along the way.  

The best part is the battle with the sea monster.  I’ve seen some laughable sea monsters in my time, but this one takes the cake.  It’s nothing more than your average sea lion!  Francisci and his special effects team don’t do much to make it look all that monstrous either.  You’d think they’d film it at odd angles or something to make it appear bigger, but that’s not exactly the case.  That just makes the scene even more hysterical.

Herc also finds time to fight a bull.  This bit is reminiscent of Karate Bull Fighter, but it’s too short to leave a lasting impression.  Herc’s fight with the lion is much longer though and is more entertaining too.

The big Herc vs. Samson scene is quite rousing.  Morris and Lloyd can throw papier Mache boulders around and topple Styrofoam ruins to the ground with the best in the business.  The fight itself is set up sort of like Batman v Superman and ends in a truce that’s just as random (although neither one of their mothers is named Martha).  The final battle where the duo team up against the king’s army isn’t nearly as good, but it’s still better than most of the stuff you see in these toga-fests.

Morris does a great job as Herc and is just as good, if not better than Steve Reeves in the role.  Lloyd isn’t quite in that league, but he certainly does a fine job during the fight scenes.  It’s Liana (Mill of the Stone Women) Orfei who very nearly steals the film as the sultry Delilah.  The highlight comes when she does a sexy dance while a guard whips off her clothes one by one.  (I guess that would make it a whiptease?)  Like most of the women in these movies, there’s a scene where she gives Herc a potion that makes him sleepy, too.  Fans of Ulysses are going to be disappointed as he spends most of the running time captured and/or whining.  You have to wonder why the heck he even got his name in the title because he does very little to earn his billing.  

At any rate, I was sort of glad I saw this.  It’s pretty kooky, although anyone who isn’t a die-hard peplum fanatic will probably be less than enthused.  Bad movie fans will get a kick out of the shitty “monsters” and fight scenes, but I imagine they’ll get restless during all the men-in-togas shit.

THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE (1978) * ½

A ship disappears in the Bermuda Triangle.  John Huston’s boat comes across the only survivor, a cruddy looking doll, and of course, his daughter wants to keep it.  Soon after, the doll starts having a hankering for raw meat and crew members begin meeting untimely deaths.  

Directed by Mexican schlockmeister Rene (Guyana:  Cult of the Damned) Cardona Jr., The Bermuda Triangle is a long (nearly two hours) voyage to nowhere.  It has an admittedly brilliant set-up, at least one laugh-out-loud scene of incompetent silliness (the nightmare sequence), and one memorably WTF moment (the doll eats some birds).  However, about halfway through, the movie stops on a dime during an extended, slow-moving, and dull scuba diving scene.  From there on, it becomes an excruciating slog culminating in one of the more infuriating non-endings it’s been my displeasure to sit through in quite some time.

Probably sensing it would be hard to sustain the suspense of a boat’s disappearance for the entire running time, Cardona tosses in not only a killer doll, but also a creepy kid and an ill-advised quest for Atlantis into the mix.  Neither of these subplots do much to perk up the already interminable pacing.  While it’s fun seeing someone of John Huston’s stature wallowing in such schlocky surroundings, he doesn’t do much to elevate the film from the depths of embarrassment.  Only Hugo Stiglitz and Video Vacuum favorite Miguel Angel Fuentes are able to inject a little machismo into the proceedings.  

AKA:  The Secrets of the Bermuda Triangle.  AKA:  Devil’s Triangle of Bermuda.

THE COLOSSUS OF RHODES (1961) * ½

Before Sergio Leone made the immortal Dollars trilogy, he cut his teeth directing this handsomely mounted, but painfully dull sword and sandal epic.  Rory Calhoun stars as a vacationing Greek warrior in Rhodes who is torn between two opposing factions who want to overthrow the corrupt king.  He really has no time for battles and revolutions as he’d rather just spend his time batting his eyes at Lea Massari.  Eventually, Calhoun gets mistaken as a rebel and is tortured, causing him to choose a side pretty darn quickly.

If you come to the party expecting to see Leone’s over the top style on display, you’ll be sorely disappointed by The Colossus of Rhodes.  Although the film looks like a million bucks, it’s shot, assembled, and presented in a very matter of fact way.  Leone does show a knack for corralling hundreds of extras, but the fireworks are an awful long time coming.  

While The Colossus of Rhodes looks better than your average Italian peplum adventure, the tension is nominal, the running time is bloated, and the pacing is sluggish.  Cowboy star Calhoun is sorely miscast as a square-jawed hero, which also doesn’t help.  It’s mostly boring and useless until the third act, when things liven up during the big coliseum action sequence, but by then, it’s too little too late. 

Leone fared much better with six guns and cowboy boots than with swords and sandals, that’s for damned sure. 

MUNSTER, GO HOME! (1966) **

I was never really a Munsters fan.  I was always more of an Addams Family kind of guy.  Still, I like Fred Gwynne, Al Lewis, Yvonne DeCarlo, and Butch Patrick enough to give this big screen version a whirl. 

Munster, Go Home! has Herman (Gwynne) learning he’s inherited a lordship.  He packs up the family and heads to England to sign all the necessary papers.  Naturally, his crooked relatives (who aren’t monsters by the way) try to scare him off.  When that fails, they set out to sabotage Herman’s race car, "Dragula" during the climatic hot rod race. 

Even though Munster, Go Home! is feature length, it still doesn’t have enough laughs to fill your average half-hour episode of the original show.  The comedic music and corny sound effects that try to punctuate the humor during the so-called funny parts don't help at all and only underscore the desperation of some of the gags.  The cast is certainly game (and Debbie Watson fares just fine as the new Marilyn), but the material is just too thin to really click.  It’s fun to see guys like John Carradine, Terry-Thomas, and Richard Dawson turning up in supporting roles, although none of them are really given anything worthy of their talents to do.  The only real laughs come from Gwynne and Lewis’ mugging.  (I enjoyed the Car 54, Where Are You? gag.)  If you wanted to see that, you could just watch an episode of The Munsters  instead and save yourself an hour or so.

TEEN TITANS GO! TO THE MOVIES (2018) ****

Ever since its debut in 2013, Teen Titans Go! has been my daughter’s favorite TV show.  I have spent countless hours in front of the tube watching it with her and have come to the conclusion that it is the most consistently hilarious show on television.  Its witty blend of irreverence, pop culture satire, and streak of black humor (several episodes end with characters dying and/or the world being plunged into darkness) never fails to impress me.  

Being of a certain age, I never saw the original Teen Titans cartoon.  Because of that, I bring no baggage to Teen Titans Go!  I can simply enjoy it for the madcap way it lampoons its characters, the DC universe, and comic book entertainment in general.  

Now, some people think there’s nothing worse than a beer snob, but they’re wrong.  There’s nothing worse than a Teen Titans snob.  They are the worst sort of DC fanboy.  They exist solely to bitch about Teen Titans Go and bemoan the fact that the old cartoon never got a proper finale.  I’ve been unfortunate enough to meet several of these cretins in real life.  The worst run-in was at our local Gamestop where the guy behind the counter said he wouldn’t sell my daughter a Teen Titans Go! toy because, “That show is an abomination and the only REAL Teen Titans show is the original.”  I just sort of blankly stared at him until he eventually relented, saying, “But I’ll let you buy it because you’re young and you don’t know any better.”  He tried to act like he was joking, yet the seething hatred in his voice was barely masked by his halfhearted attempt at minimal customer service.  

I wanted to beat the shit out of the guy.  How sad is your life that you have to belittle a young girl because her toy selection doesn’t align with your narrowminded pop culture mindset?  If he even bothered to watch the show, instead of refusing to engage with it because the animation style and tone were different than the one he was used to, he would’ve seen that Teen Titans Go! is one of the best satires of not only comic books, but modern pop culture as well.  

I’ve had other encounters with these so-called “fans” (mostly of whom are early twenty-somethings) who allege that the old show is the only REAL version and that the new version is for BABIES.  Again, if they’d actually watch it, they’d see there is a streak of dark humor through the show that adults can appreciate.  Maybe they’re just not mature enough to accept it on that wavelength.

Teen Titans Go! is my favorite show on television, so it’s only fitting I’d label Teen Titans Go! To the Movies as one of the best movies of the year.  Like the show, it’s a deft send-up of comic book characters (specifically the movie versions), but it also acts as something of a wish fulfillment.  If you ever wanted to see a Robin movie, this is your chance.  I know the Teen Titans are a team, but Robin is front and center nearly all the way through.  Since Robin is my favorite character in the show, this was good news for me.  If you’re more of a Cyborg/Beast Boy/Raven/Starfire fan, take heart.  Although they are pushed to the background somewhat, they are still given plenty of moments to shine.  (The scene where Cyborg goes back in time to prevent Aquaman’s origin story is one of the biggest laughs I’ve had in the theater all year.)

The plot revolves around Robin’s attempts to get his own movie.  A big shot director (the voice of Kristen Bell) tells him the only way to headline his own film is to take down his arch-nemesis, Slade (the voice of Will Arnett).  This set-up is ripe with potential and leads to a lot of hilarious in-jokes, potty humor, and pop culture references.

Probably the best part of the movie:  We finally get to see Nicolas Cage as Superman.  Well… at least hear him anyway.  He doesn’t disappoint either.  We can only imagine what he would’ve been like as Supes in his prime in Tim Burton’s famously canceled late ‘90s version of the character.  However, there’s enough proof here to suggest that he would’ve been awesome in the role.

Then there are the cameos.  I wouldn’t dream of spoiling it, but there’s at least one cameo that is guaranteed to put a smile on the most jaded Teen Titans Go! hater.  Even if the constant barrage of hilarity isn’t enough to sway them, they should at least get a smile from the post-credits sequence.

It doesn’t matter if I liked it or not.  It doesn’t matter if the anti-Teen Titans Goers flame the movie on the internet.  All that matters is my daughter was grinning from ear to ear the whole time, cackling throughout, and quoting the dialogue on the car ride home.  

If you are at all suffering from superhero fatigue, you should by all means check out Teen Titans Go! To the Movies.  Like Deadpool, the film gives the genre a kick in the pants (without the R-rated humor of course), but lovingly so.  If you’re a parent, there will be as much humor aimed at you as your child (if not more).  It’s definitely one of the funniest (and best) movies of the year.

Cyborg gets the best line of the movie when he says, “Save me from Gene Hackman’s real estate scam!”

THE EQUALIZER 2 (2018) ***

The Equalizer 2 isn’t quite as good as its predecessor for two main reasons.  The first is that the conclusion, set in a deserted beachside town during a hurricane, lacks the bone-crunching, stomach-churning, revenge-fueled antics of the Home Depot massacre of the original.  Instead, Denzel Washington just kind of takes out a small squad of soldiers singlehandedly.  The other quibble is that the villain’s identity is a foregone conclusion as most viewers will figure out who he is the moment he steps on screen.  

What is not predictable is the nuance, depth, and emotion Washington and returning director Antoine Fuqua bring to the early scenes of the film.  Most sequels take the “Bigger is Better” approach.  Fuqua is more interested in the quieter, character-driven moments.  Yes, the plot is largely about Washington going after the men who murdered his best friend (Melissa Leo).  It’s also about how Washington tries to connect a Holocaust survivor (Orson Bean) with his long-lost sister.  It’s also about Washington rescuing a young inner-city artist (Ashton Sanders) from a life of crime.  He also finds time to save a young girl from her gangster father as well as beat up a roomful of scumbag yuppies for raping an intern.  Washington brings unprecedented levels of gravitas to what, in lesser hands, could’ve been a disposable (and forgettable) revenge programmer.  He gives just as much here as he did in his Oscar-nominated (and winning) roles.

The best section of the film follows his daily routine as a Lyft driver.  Some of his interactions with his customers are raw, honest, and human.  What he says (or sometimes doesn’t say) to them impacts them greatly.  Again, Denzel’s excellent performance prevents things from turning into a big-screen version of Taxicab Confessions.  His most meaningful interaction though comes when he stops Sanders from going down a violent path.  (“’Man’ is not spelled ‘G-U-N’.”)

Let’s face it, we all came to see Denzel kick ass, not impart life-changing wisdom.  We still get scenes where he times himself while beating up a gang of thugs (although not as many as I was anticipating), reconstructs crime scenes with his mind, and improvises elaborate ways for bad guys to come to an untimely end.  I just wish Fuqua had added a little extra sizzle to the finale.  If there were one or two more quality deaths in the third act, The Equalizer 2 would’ve stood shoulder to shoulder with the original.

Nevertheless, it does contain at least one scene that will go down as an all-timer in the history books.  It’s the scene where Denzel gets revenge on the rapist yuppies.  They underestimate him by assuming he’s just your typical Lyft driver and try to beat him up.  Naturally, he mops the floor with them.  He picks the most vulnerable one out of the group and tells him he’ll let him live if he turns himself into the cops… AND he has to give Denzel a positive review on Lyft!  Folks, it is my sincere hope that “I expect a 5 Star rating!” will become Denzel’s “I’ll be back”.  The way he sells the line with unflinching deadly seriousness is one of the funniest and most crowd-pleasing things I’ve seen at the movies all year.

ZAN KING OF THE JUNGLE (1972) **

Before he was in the immortal Blood Freak, Steve Hawkes starred in this cheap Tarzan rip-off as Zan.  Because of his muscular build, Hawkes seems more like Hercules than Tarzan.  Sure, he makes a Tarzan-esque yell, rides on an elephant, swings from a vine, and has a talking parrot for a pet, but he also hurls boulders, lifts heavy gates, and spends a lot of his screen time sleeping; just like Hercules.  That’s not really a criticism; merely an observation.

After Zan saves a beautiful Amazon woman from being sacrificed by a native tribe, he is shot by a poacher.  A drunk prospector nurses him back to health and Zan repays his kindness by giving him gold from a nearby grotto.  When the hunters learn he’s got gold, they kill the prospector and steal his loot.  Zan then sets out to stop the murderers and protect the prospector’s sexy daughter.

Directed by Manuel (The Swamp of the Ravens) Cano and co-written by Umberto (Cannibal Ferox) Lenzi, Zan King of the Jungle is a ho-hum Tarzan knockoff in just about every respect.  One major stumbling block is the fact that Zan kind of gets lost in his own movie.  There are just way too many supporting characters competing for screen time for Hawkes to really make an impression.  In addition to the drunken prospector, there’s a guide (who’s also a drunk) that takes on most of the romantic lead-type of duties.  Even though the heroine is hot, Hawkes seems more interested in the Amazon queen, even though their relationship is extremely platonic.  If they were trying to really capture the flavor of the old Tarzan movies, they should’ve given him a more traditional Jane type of leading lady to play against.

There is at least one memorably nutty scene worth mentioning.  It comes when Zan swims into the underwater grotto to find the gold and participates in a no holds barred cage match with a gorilla (or more precisely, a guy in a gorilla suit).  This scene is a lot of fun and is easily the best part of an otherwise forgettable jungle picture.

Cano and Hawkes later reteamed for a sequel, Tarzan and the Brown Prince. 

AKA:  Tarzan in the Golden Grotto.  AKA:  King of the Jungle.