FALO CREST (1987) ****

If you’re around my age (forty), you’re sure to remember when Falcon Crest was all the rage.  If you don’t, this review might not be for you.  If, however, you’re like me (and if you aren’t, that’s probably a good thing), you’ve undoubtedly seen your share of porn parodies.  If your movie-watching tastes are like mine, you’ve probably seen your fair share of Jess Franco movies too.  If you somehow managed to check all those boxes (and God help you if you are), you’re sure to enjoy Jess Franco’s porn parody version of Falcon Crest, Falo Crest.

The matriarch of a rich family invites various family members to her posh mansion for a big gathering.  At the dinner table, she forces some of her more modest relatives to have sex while she watches.  Then, she unveils the family vineyard’s new cum-flavored wine that has aphrodisiac properties, which of course, leads to more sex.  

You know you’re in for a good time straight away during the opening handjob sequence which is shot through a kaleidoscopic lens.  From there, we get a long scene of family members having long telephone conversations while they’re getting head.  At one point, the family dog gets in the act when it licks the butler’s ass!  If you’ve seen your share of Franco movies like I have, this little bit of bestiality probably won’t even cause you to raise an eyebrow.  If, for whatever reason you don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into, you’re best to bail out before it’s too late.  

Now, everyone remembers that famous episode of Falcon Crest when Jane Wyman was locked in an S & M prison and the only way she was could be released was if she ate shit fresh out of the warden’s assistant’s asshole, got pissed on, and then double-teamed by two horny prisoners while the warden rubbed her clit with a cigar?  I mean, TV Guide had that listed as one of their 10 Best TV Episodes of All Time.  Well, Franco does a nearly scene-for-scene remake of that famous moment that warmed the nation’s hearts.  

Of course, who could forget that episode of Falcon Crest where Lorenzo Lamas pulled out his cock and jerked off on the family oranges to make their top-secret wine?  Or the classic episode when Robert Foxworth started an ass-fucking contest to settle the family’s estate?  Franco somehow managed to crib from that immortal episode too.  It’s like he took all the moments we knew and loved from the series and added his own unique spin to them.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that Falo Crest features all the incest, bestiality, shit-eating, piss-drinking, and ass-fucking contests you’d expect from your average episode of Falcon Crest.  

I guess what I’m saying is that this fucked-up movie even made this jaded Jess Franco hound sit up and take notice.

I guess what I’m saying is…FOUR STARS!  

Now, I wonder if Franco ever made a porno version of Dallas…

AKA:  Phalo Crest.

WICKED MINDS (2003) **

Holden (Andrew W. Walker) comes home from Harvard to find his filthy rich father (Winston Rekert) has married a much younger woman named Lana (Angie Everhart).  Since dad is a workaholic, that means Holden and Lana wind up spending a lot of time with each other.  Naturally, they end up in the sack and begin a relationship.  Holden eventually learns his hot-tempered father’s been abusive toward Lana and he becomes visibly upset.  When daddy is found dead, both his son and his lover become suspects.

Wicked Minds has a good scene early on where Walker and Everhart meet the first time when he walks in on her in the shower.  A few of their romantic encounters have a modicum of sizzle too, but despite the DVD box’s claim that it’s “Unrated”, this is unfortunately nothing more than a Lifetime Movie, so Angie is only seen naked from the shoulders up.  In fact, Walker spends more time with his shirt off than Everhart!  (You can tell it was made for TV by the occasional fade-ins used to signal a commercial break.)  

After a solid set-up (well, for a Lifetime Movie anyway), the pacing dawdles as it enters the second act.  The tension falters when it really should be ramping up as director Jason (Poison Ivy:  The Secret Society) Hreno seems more adept at the scenes of watered-down seduction than he is at following through with the whodunit aspects of the story.  The reveals of the various plot twists are also telegraphed and lack panache.  The finale is OK, but again, Hreno doesn’t handle the tension particularly well.

Angie is sexy to be sure.  She also has good chemistry with Walker, who does a fine job as the naïve son who gets suckered into her game.  Maybe if there was a nude scene or two in here, it would’ve been worth a damn.    

AKA:  Paranoia.  

GENTLEMEN BRONCOS (2009) **

Benjamin (Michael Angarano) is a homeschooled nerd who writes a shitty sci-fi story.  He takes the story to a writer’s camp where his idol, a snooty sci-fi author (Jemaine Clement) steals his idea and uses it for his next book.  Meanwhile, a girl he has a crush on (Halley Feiffer) makes a movie based on Benjamin’s story and winds up getting sued.  Eventually, Benjamin goes to confront his idol at a book signing to set things straight.

I was a fan of director Jared Hess’ Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre, but somehow never got around to seeing this.  It certainly had promise, and the first act is sort of amusing.  I liked the scenes from the book, which star Sam Rockwell in a variety of odd costumes.  I also enjoyed the scenes of Feiffer making the movie based on the book.  Clement gets a couple of laughs from playing the overly self-absorbed author, as does Jennifer Coolidge as Angarano’s kooky mother.

Unfortunately, these sporadic moments are about as good as it gets.  Unlike Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre, Gentlemen Broncos is missing the important factor that made those films work:  Heart.  Without it, it simply becomes a series of awkward scenes of quirky losers stumbling about.  The tacked-on fantasy scenes help give the feeling that this might’ve been intended as a short at one point, but Hess kept tossing everything but the kitchen sink in there to get it up to feature length.  (Likewise, the scenes of Coolidge being seduced by a nightgown magnate go nowhere.)  In fact, I think we would’ve been better off had it been a short.  At ninety minutes the offbeat hijinks eventually grow tiresome and you quickly become immune to whatever charm the film might’ve once had.

STONE COLD DEAD (1980) ***

Richard Crenna stars as a determined cop out to stop a killer who’s going around murdering hookers with a sniper rifle.  Paul Williams is the evil pimp who...  

Okay, do you need any more convincing to see Stone Cold Dead?  Didn’t think so.  I mean how are you not going to watch it now that you know one of the most beloved icons of the ‘70s plays a pimp who forces the girls in his stable to give him head in the back of his limo?  

Apparently, there’s another version of the film that adds a scene of Linnea Quigley being killed.  Unfortunately, that’s not the one I saw.  I may have to track it down at some point.  It can only make the movie even better, right? 

I mean, this flick has everything.  Paul Williams getting roughed up by Richard Crenna at a hooker’s funeral, Chickie from Death Wish V as a crooked cop, strippers, hookers being taken out by Sniper Rifle POV shots, Bob Seger songs, you name it, it’s got it.

In addition, it’s got this weird energy that makes the predictable plot feel fresh.  It’s probably too long with maybe one extraneous subplot that bogs things down, but it’s constantly absorbing thanks to the performances.  Crenna is given such an eccentric character to play that it more than makes up for the film’s lapses in other areas.  He has a great gimmick where he calls his answering machine that’s set up to a Rube Goldberg contraption that feeds his fish whenever the ringer goes off.  That way he doesn’t have to race home to take care of them when he’s on a case.  It’s offbeat touches like this that help to make Stone Cold Dead stone cold awesome.  This also leads to a wonderful character moment for Crenna when a woman asks him why he has goldfish for a pet and he replies, “Fish don’t bark!”

AKA:  Point Two-Two.  AKA:  Sin Sniper.  

WATER’S EDGE (2004) * ½

Nathan Fillion and Chandra West star as a married couple grieving the loss of their daughter.  Looking for a fresh start, they go to live in his father’s old cabin out in the middle of nowhere.  While walking in the woods, Nathan stumbles upon a crooked cop (Daryl Shutterworth) about to murder a battered woman (Emmanuelle Vaugier).   He kills the cop in self-defense and brings her back to the cabin to convalesce.  Eventually, the couple learns the woman isn’t exactly who she claims to be.    

Written by Craig Brewer a few years before he made a name for himself directing Black Snake Moan, Water’s Edge starts slowly, allowing time for the characters to breathe and become fully developed.  Despite the well-intentioned opening, the film pretty much jumps off the rails once Vaugier’s character is introduced.  Though the set-up holds promise, there are just too many long stretches where nothing happens.  Just when it seems like the tension should be ratcheting up, the flick becomes even more slow moving and obvious.  The small-town conspiracy plot is laborious and the eventual twists involving stolen money, blackmail, and murder are surprisingly anti-captivating.  It also feels like a TV movie at several junctures, which doesn’t help.  

Fillion is normally charismatic and fun to watch, but he’s stuck playing a sad sack character without a whole lot of personality.  Likewise, West isn’t given much to do.  I wouldn’t mind seeing them paired again if the script was better.  Vaugier probably fares the worst, although she spends too much of the movie sleeping.  She’s also more convincing playing the frightened waif than she is portraying the conniving femme fatale side of her character.  

It’s sad when Daniel Baldwin steals the movie.  He shows up about halfway through playing the town’s crooked mayor.  Of course, even that twist is telegraphed from a mile away.  (How do we know he’s crooked?  By his evil looking goatee, that’s how!)

PRIMAL INSTINCT (2002) *

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

LION STRIKE (1995) ** ½

Don “The Dragon” Wilson returns as everyone’s favorite Kung Fu doctor Johnny Wu in the third installment of the Ring of Fire franchise.  This time out, an international crime organization joins forces to sell nukes to terrorists.  Naturally, through a set of dumb coincidences, Johnny winds up in possession of a vital computer disc the gangsters need to get their plans rolling.  They then set out to kill Wu and get the disc back.  Can a global conglomerate of mobsters stand a chance against a Kung Fu doctor?

The best scene in the whole movie has nothing to do with the main plot.  A surly biker gang barges into a busy ER room and demands medical treatment.  (One guy even runs through the hallway on a motorcycle!)  Don tells them to take a number and a brawl ensues. 

I also liked his Kung Fu forest ranger love interest, played by Bobbie Phillips.  Lion Strike maybe a dumb title because there are no lions in it, but Phillips does rescue a cougar.  There’s a hilarious moment when Wilson’s kid sees it and says, “Nice cougar!”

Don then looks at the camera and says, “I’ll Say!” I’m not an expert on colloquialisms, but I think this might be the first use of the word “cougar” to mean a hot older woman.  If not, it’s certainly one of the funniest.

Some laughs can also be had from seeing various explosions and shootouts from other PM movies acting as placeholders during the action sequences.  These moments help give the illusion the movie’s much more expensive than it really is.  However, after the silly and entertaining first act, things quickly become more generic as it goes along.  It pretty much loses a lot of its nutty charm in the third act when it just becomes a series of interchangeable scenes of Don Kung Fuing bad guys in the mountains.  It somehow was more fun when he was getting into unrelated action scenes and dodging stock footage from other movies.

Action fans will enjoy seeing a pre-Spawn Michael Jai White popping up in a small role.

AKA:  Ring of Fire 3:  Lion Strike.