IF YOU MEET SARTANA PRAY FOR YOUR DEATH (1968) ***

I’ve watched so many unofficial Sartana rip-offs lately that I figured I might as well give the original a shot.  Well, this isn’t the original per se as Sartana first appeared in $1000 on the Black, but this was his first solo movie.  As far as Spaghetti Westerns go, I’d say it’s about on par with the original Django.  

Gianni Garko stars as Sartana, who gets a great introduction scene.  Some bad hombres get the drop on him and seemingly gun him down.  While they’re busy reveling, he pops up behind them with a shotgun on his shoulder.  When they go to fire, he mows them down with a multi-shot derringer he has concealed in his other hand.   

I’ve liked Garko in the various giallo and horror films I’ve seen him in, but he’s fantastic here.  He’s a total badass with a face made for Spaghetti Westerns.  Sometimes, you don’t even see his face as the brim of his hat casts a shadow that covers his eyes, leaving only his mouth visible; kind of like a superhero cowl (or perhaps Zorro).  

It’s also interesting to see where and how the movie borrows from the Dollars Trilogy.  The most obvious is the use of a musical pocket watch similar to the one Lee Van Cleef’s character had in For a Few Dollars More.  The plot itself (which involves several interested parties vying for a stash of hidden gold) also owes more than a little to The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.  Director Frank (Sabata) Kramer does a fine job adding unique little touches (like the split diopter shot) to make it feel fresh.

William Berger (who later played a Sartana-like character in Sartana in the Valley of Death) is excellent as the slimy villain.  Klaus Kinski shows up briefly as a hit man who has a couple of neat gimmicks.  (He prefers knives to guns and wears bells on his spurs.)  Too bad he doesn’t stick around very long. 

AKA:  Sartana.  AKA:  Gunfighters Die Hard.

THE WILD WILD WORLD OF JAYNE MANSFIELD (1968) ****

Exploitation sleaze wizard Dick (Pieces) Randall produced this bonkers Mondo movie of blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield going all over God’s green earth and reporting back on all the wild, weird, adventures she had along the way.  It has an added allure of sleaziness given the fact it was completed (more like cobbled together) after her death.  It kind of laid the groundwork for all those Bruceploitation pictures (of which Randall produced a few of), as it blends together old footage and body doubles to bring a dead star back from beyond the grave, while the cobbled-together narrative helps to sensationalize the public’s morbid curiosity about the fallen star.  

It begins with scenes of Jayne strolling around Rome, throwing coins into a fountain and trying to avoid the paparazzi.  One guy even pinches her ass.  The first thing you notice about this scene is that all the shots of Jayne are in black and white, but everything else is in color.  That’s because it was shot after her death and nobody bothered to use black and white film to make it remotely match.  That’s the level of shoddiness we’re talking about here.  The funniest part is the breathless narration that isn’t spoken by Jayne, but a soundalike. (“There’s no place like Roma!”) 

Jayne then checks out some of her topless shots from Playboy and watches some women change.  Later, she goes to the Coliseum and imagines herself in Ancient Rome (actually just footage from her movie, The Loves of Hercules) before daydreaming that the Olympic statues come to life (actually just footage of Jayne with her bodybuilder husband, Mickey Hargitay).  We also see a battle between Hercules and a three-headed dragon (again, just footage from The Loves of Hercules). 

Then it’s off to France where Jayne watches prostitutes conduct business.  From there, she goes to Cannes where she ogles women on the French Riviera and is hounded by her fans.  Jayne’s hair and wardrobe changes from scene to scene and sometimes shot to shot during this segment, which shouldn’t come as a surprise.  Later, Jayne visits a nudist colony and even goes topless herself.  The cuckoo narration is particularly on-point in this segment (“Sometimes I think fish are so lucky!”), and some of the transitions are priceless (“Looking at my toes reminds me of other toes!”). 

Jayne next heads to Paris and visits Eiffel Tower.  (“I sure hope they don’t tear it down and put up a parking lot!”)  After watching people making out in public, she goes to a drag bar and later, watches male hustlers at work (while faux James Bond music plays).  Although this segment lightly pokes fun at European gay culture, it at least gave them a certain amount of visibility.  It’s certainly less judgmental about the lifestyle than most films of the time. 

God, what else?  There’s a “Best Boob” contest, stripping lessons, a topless interpretive dance routine, a trip to a bottomless club, a drag queen beauty contest (Jayne interviews a male Jayne impersonator), a segment on topless vocations (everything from an ice cream truck driver to a mechanic), and a number by a topless rock band (The Ladybirds).  We also get to see Jayne topless herself, courtesy of a scene from her film Promises!  Promises!  

Things take a turn for serious when Mansfield’s fatal car crash is recreated (complete with tinted crime scene photos).  We also get to see (staged) scenes of widowed Mickey Hargitay moping around his empty mansion while a newsreel narrator pontificates about his loss.  Yes, in case you’re wondering, the end is kind of like the beginning of Citizen Kane, if you can fucking believe it.

Some segments are weirder, wilder, and more explicit than others.  Others are a tad repetitive.  None of that really matters.  This is one of the crassest, cheapest, chintziest Mondo movies I’ve ever seen.

That is to say, I loved every stupid minute of it. 

THE SINFUL NUNS OF ST. VALENTINE (1974) *** ½

Star-crossed lovers Lucita (Jenny Tamburi) and Esteban (Paolo Malco) are kept apart by her devious father (Franco Ressel) who refuses to let them marry.  As a desperate measure, he wisks her off to a convent to become a nun while accusing Esteban to be a heretic.  With the Spanish Inquisition hot on his trail, the wounded Esteban drops by to rescue Lucita from the nunnery.  That night, her sexy roommate Josefa (Bruna Beani) is murdered and Lucita is blamed.  The nuns eventually decide to help him free his love from the clutches of the Inquisition.  However, the demented abbess (Francoise Prevost) has a few ulterior motives, and all of them are positively filthy. 

Part of the fun of The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine is the way it hops from genre to genre, seemingly on a whim.  It goes from smutty nunsploitation to exploitative Inquisition drama to a straight-up murder mystery.  Despite the wacky shifts in tone, it remains a fun mash-up that almost always delivers the sleazy goods.  The scenes of forced lesbianism, torture, and whipping are strong enough on their own.  Add to that the fact that all of this happens to women wearing nun habits, and that just makes it even better.  (If that’s your sort of thing, that is.) 

Imagine a cross between Mark of the Devil and Behind Convent Walls, and that might give you an idea of what to expect. 

I also liked how it starts mid-story with the hero already on the run.  Even once we get to the convent, there’s very little filler.  The final scenes are especially memorable.  It’s here where the nuns are condemned to death and locked inside the convent where they slowly go mad, fighting, raping, and killing each other.  

If you think you’ve seen it all folks, then you should definitely check in on The Sinful Nuns of St. Valentine.

BWANA DEVIL (1952) ** ½

Produced, written, and directed by 3-D magnate Arch Oboler, Bwana Devil was the first feature-length American color 3-D movie.  It was also responsible for kickstarting the 3-D craze in the ‘50s.  So, just remember any time you’re forced to don 3-D glasses at the movies, in some small way, you have Bwana Devil to thank for it.

The English are trying to construct a railroad through Africa at the turn of the century.  Only problem is two pesky man-eating lions have been gobbling up all the workers.  Robert Stack is the head of the project, a drunken raconteur resentful of his rich father in-law for assigning him such a dreary position.  When the lions start driving the hired help away, Stack takes it upon himself to hunt them down once and for all.  Problems arise when his estranged wife (Barbara Britton) comes for a visit.  

The 3-D effects work best during the depth-of-field shots of the African wild.  The footage Oboler shot in Africa of hippos, gators, snakes, and tribal dancing look cool, although this footage doesn’t really contain anything that comes out of the screen.  Those 3-D effects are kind of hit-and-miss (at least in the version I saw), but it’s good enough to make the rear-projection scenes of Stack walking through the wild seem all too obvious.  

The lion attack scenes have a kick to them, even if the animals move too quick for the 3-D to really work.  The shots of them prowling around camp or lurking in the bush are effective though.  The climax is a bit of a letdown as there’s a scene where one of the lions just kind of dies, even though Stack assures us (through poorly looped ADR) that he shot one, although we never hear a gun shot.  

Bwana Devil gets off to a great start.  However, once Britton shows up, it sort of drags the movie down as her character is a bit of a wet blanket.  The film works much better when it’s just Stack and his doctor buddy (Nigel Bruce) shooting the shit while fending off lions. 

As for the 3-D effects, we get enough of them to make it worth a look if you’ve got a pair of glasses handy.  Among the effects are:  

·         3-D Heads

·         3-D Hands

·         3-D Spears

·         3-D Lions

·         3-D Feet

·         3-D Dance Numbers

·         3-D Kissing

·         3-D Tail

·         3-D Snake

·         3-D Gun

The film was later remade as The Ghost and the Darkness.

KEYHOLES ARE FOR PEEPING OR IS THERE LIFE AFTER MARRIAGE? (1972) *

Sammy (Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla) Petrillo gets his marriage counselor diploma in the mail and sets off to make a name for himself in the profession.  Meanwhile, his own personal life is a wreck.  His girlfriend (Kristen Steen) won’t marry him because he always has to care for his dominating mother (also Petrillo, with his voice dubbed by the director, Doris Wishman).  As Petrillo meets with his patients, the superintendent (Phillip Stahl) in his apartment building spies on various tenants by looking through their keyholes.  

The naughty footage looks like it might’ve been taken from outer sources, perhaps old stag reels or even from Wishman’s other films for all I know.  Many of the sex scenes are tinted yellow for some damned reason.  Others are filmed through a negative filter which makes it impossible to tell what the hell is going on.  None of them are remotely sexy.  

Most Wishman movies are unintentionally hilarious.  If you’ve ever seen Let Me Die a Woman or Deadly Weapons you know what I’m talking about.  With this one she tries to be funny on purpose and the results are disastrous.  

Petrillo made his living imitating Jerry Lewis.  He unwisely dropped the act for this movie.  Sporting long hippie hair and doing random impressions (everyone from The Invisible Man to Porky Pig), and telling unfunny jokes, he never once elicits a single laugh from the audience.  You know they’re scraping the bottom of the barrel when he shows up in drag.  The results are pretty dire, even for Wishman’s standards.  

The film falls into a predictable pattern early on.  It goes back and forth from the unfunny scenes of Petrillo (who also may be familiar to you from his bit part in The Brain That Wouldn’t Die) interviewing women to the voyeur peeping on lovemaking couples.  Neither plotline hits its intended marks, making Keyholes are For Peeping or is There Life After Marriage? a frustrating experience to say to least.  

Wishman’s made some bad movies in her time, but this one just might take the proverbial cake.  

AKA:  Keyholes are for Peeping.  

DEVIL IN MISS JONES 5: THE INFERNO (1995) ***

Devil in Miss Jones was a perfect combination of art house drama and hardcore porn.  The three sequels that followed had some wild visuals, but they were mostly a vehicle for some smutty sex scenes.  This one is a porn first and foremost, with little of the visual pizzazz found in its predecessors.  Some might look down their nose at the film because of this.  However, as mid-‘90s porn goes, it certainly gets the job done. 

Juli Ashton inherits the role of Miss Jones from Lois Ayres.  I use the term “role” loosely as she is less a character and more of a pawn for various sex scenes.  Sometimes, she just watches the action, like when she gets fingered by two old men while they spy on a couple fucking.  Other times, she’s a more than willing participant, like during the Roman orgy gangbang (which includes three guys and the always sexy Jeanna Fine sporting a black latex dildo).  Some scenes are better than others, but many of them contain admittedly hot… err… climaxes. 

The plot, with the annoying Devil (Rip Hymen) constantly talking to the camera, is weak.  You could easily fast-forward through his scenes and get right to the fucking and you wouldn’t miss much.  Part 5 also contains one of the longest opening credits sequence I’ve seen in a porn, so you could probably skip right past that too.  

If there is a complaint, it’s that some of the scenes suffer from a repetitive nature as the majority of them involve group sex.  If you can get past that, there are some rather steamy moments to be had.  There are also just enough clever set-ups (in one scene, two monogamous couples are locked in cages and forced to fuck their partners for all eternity) and weird touches (like the fat woman dancing during a dining room table three-way) to make it a worthwhile entry in the long-running series.

COLLEGE KICKBOXERS (1992) ** ½

On the first day of college, freshman James (Ken McLeod) immediately gets into a beef with his roommate Mark (Mark Williams).  They wind up settling their differences with an impromptu Kung Fu fight on the quad and become instant best buddies.  Their fight catches the eye of a racist gang leader named Tanner (Matthew Ray Cohen) who tries to get James to join his ranks.  When James refuses, Tanner’s gang jumps him after work, but his co-worker, a Chinese cook named Wing (Tang Tak-Wing) saves him.  James then tries to convince Wing to train him so he can win a big karate tournament and use the prize money to save Mark’s karate school. 

My main movie passions are cheese and sleaze.  There’s no sleaze here (save for a brief topless hot tub scene), but College Kickboxers has plenty of the former to make it a fitfully fun kickboxing time-killer.  It plays like a mash-up of The Karate Kid and No Retreat, No Surrender and while it’s nowhere near the classic those two films are, it has its moments.

McLeod kind of has a Thom Mathews quality to him.  The character of James has a good mix of conflicting character traits that make him a flawed hero.  Sometimes, he’s an endearing goofball.  Other times, he’s an upstanding citizen who drop-kicks racists.  He can also be a stupid lunkhead who thinks with his dick too much.  I liked the scene where his boss interrupts him while he’s talking to some girls at work and he instantly gets an attitude and says, “What’s the big idea? I’m trying to score!”  He eventually overcomes this character flaw with the help of Wing’s training. 

Since this is a kickboxing movie, there are a lot of training sequences and/or montages.  The most memorable scene has Wing making James train barefoot on a hockey rink.  I think this might be a Kung Fu first.  The most interesting aspect is when he teaches James acupuncture to take out his opponents using a dummy with all the pressure points mapped out.  Some of the training scenes are pretty silly though (like when they play the “Slap Hands” game).  It goes without saying that this movie has a training montage where the hero runs up and down the beach.  However, it also contains a montage of our hero… at a petting zoo?!?  That’s… different.

The fight scenes are decent for the most part.  I liked the scenes where Wing comes to James’ rescue and there’s a part where Mark and James fight the bad guys at the mall that I wish went on a bit longer.  Too bad the typical karate tournament ending offers no surprises whatsoever.  

College Kickboxers gives you 85 minutes of breezy, cheesy Kung Fu entertainment.   It’s goofier than your normal fare, although not enough to qualify it as a classic or anything.  Still, its heart is in the right place.  It won’t graduate Magna Cum Laude or anything, but College Kickboxers gets passing marks from me. 

AKA:  Trained to Fight.  AKA:  College Kickboxer.  AKA:  Full Contact Champ.