SANTO VS. THE HEADHUNTERS (1971) **

El Santo does battle with some thugs who leave behind a mysterious dagger made of bone.  He has it checked out by an expert who believes it belongs to a tribe of headhunters who use it for sacrificial rites.  When the professor’s daughter is kidnapped by the tribe, El Santo joins the search party and treks through the jungle to find her. 

Santo vs. the Headhunters was directed by Rene Cardona, Sr., so you know it’s going to at least look good.  He gives us a great first shot during El Santo’s opening brawl and offers up a few interesting shots during the headhunter dance sequences.  However, he does little elsewhere to energize what is often a lethargic film. 

The early scenes set in Mexico are decent.  Once the action switches to the South American jungle, things get real dull, real quick.  The long scenes of El Santo and his team traipsing through the jungle are often done in one unbroken take.  Many of these scenes should’ve been edited down.  In fact, I think El Santo does as much walking in one movie as Frodo did in the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy!  Occasionally, a headhunter will poke its head out of the bushes to fire an arrow into a member of the expedition, which staves off some (but not all) of the boredom.

Another problem is El Santo doesn’t do any wrestling in the ring in this entry.  Cardona tries to make up for it by having him wrestle a crocodile underwater as well as a jaguar on dry land, but just isn’t the same though (especially when it’s obvious it’s just a stuntman wearing his mask).  I admire the attempt to change up the scenery a little and put everyone’s favorite masked Mexican wrestler into what’s essentially an old jungle picture, and the villains are different enough, I suppose.  It just that the interminable walking scenes zaps the film of much of its energy. 

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE VINEYARD (1989) ***

My man Lo Pan, James Hong co-wrote, co-directed, and stars in this batshit insane horror movie.  There’s a great scene early on that clues you in on the awesomeness to come.  Hong is in his island mansion banging his hot wife before he rapidly begins turning old.  (His old age make-up looks like a dime store version of the prosthetics he wore in Big Trouble in Little China, but that’s kind of what makes it look creepy.)  He retreats to his mad scientist lab down in the basement where he keeps a bunch of girls in skimpy outfits chained up.  He then uses their blood to make an elixir to give himself eternal youth (err… well… make himself look like the then sixty-year-old James Hong). 

After that amazing opening, the rest of The Vineyard kind of treads water.  It’s here when a group of would-be actors and actresses come to Hong’s island as part of a movie audition.  Really, he just wants them for his latest crop of victims.  It’s in these passages that the film feels most like a “typical” horror movie.  I’m not saying it’s bad by any means.  It just lacks the pizzazz of the early scenes where Hong’s hired guards Kung Fu and castrate infidels.  

The good news is, the finale that involves Hong trying to make the sexy Final Girl his new bride is more entertaining than the Scooby-Doo shit that populates the middle act.  Oh, and did I mention all the zombies that are buried in Hong’s vineyard that occasional dig themselves up and shuffle around the mansion like lost extras from the Thriller video?  It’s that everything-but-the-kitchen-sink approach that makes the movie so endearing.  

Overall, The Vineyard is wildly uneven, but there’s some vintage stuff here.  If only Hong could bottle the fun of the early scenes.  I can’t say the rest of the movie lives up to those moments, but that’s just sour grapes.  In the end, the film is so crazy you just have to raise your glass to it.

PASSION (2013) * ½

Christine (Rachel McAdams) and her protégée Isabelle (Noomi Rapace) work tirelessly together on a major ad campaign.  After their presentation is a huge success, Christine takes credit for Isabelle’s idea.  Isabelle soon learns there’s no end to her backstabbing ways. 

To give away any more would land me in Spoiler Jail.  Let’s just say things take a sharp left turn about halfway through.  The first half was no great shakes to begin with.  It’s almost as if we’re supposed to be shocked by McAdams’ behavior when she’s really no different than any corporate yuppie slimeball that have populated cinema since the ‘80s.  At least these scenes coast on McAdams’ engaging bitchiness.  Unfortunately, the second half rests so heavily on Rapace’s erratic performance that it really never stood a chance.  (Her big emotional breakdown is almost comical.)

Passion was directed by the great Brian De Palma, but this is far from a great Brian De Palma picture.  It’s a remake of the French film, Love Crime, and he does succeed in giving the movie a very European feel.  However, it’s just far too dull to really click.  Although the first half is clearly the stronger half, it doesn’t feel like it was directed by De Palma at all.  After the twist occurs, it becomes more of a typical De Palma jam… it’s just that it’s far too fractured and all over the place to really work.    

I mean there’s nothing I love more than a De Palma split-screen sequence.  It pains me to report that the split-screen scene in Passion is among his worst.  If you’re going to do a split-screen shot, at least make both sides of the screen compelling.  Filling half the screen with a lot of inane ballet shit doesn’t do anyone any favors.  I mean I get WHY he’s showing it to us, but that doesn’t make it very cinematic, especially when all someone had to say was, “She went to the ballet” and it would’ve sufficed.

While it’s nice to see De Palma playing in his sandbox again, he brings nothing new to the table.  Nowhere is this more apparent than the ending, which is nothing more than one long cinematic jerk-off leading to a frustrating-as-fuck it-was-all-a-dream bullshit cop-out final shot.  I was a little balder than I was at the start of the movie because the ending made me pull my fucking hair out. 

TRAVELLER (1997) ***

I come for a long line of gypsies, so Traveller gives me a taste of what it might’ve been like for me had I stuck with the old family tradition.  The story revolves around modern-day gypsies played by Bill Paxton and Mark Wahlberg who go around from town to town grifting and conning good folk out of their hard-earned money.  There’s a saying that goes, “Money won is sweeter than money earned.”  Well, money swindled is sweeter than both of them put together.

Wahlberg is a wet-behind-the-ears gypsy whose father left the fold to marry an outsider.  When his father passes away, Wahlberg returns home to regain his place in the family.  The head of the clan (Luke Askew, later in Paxton’s Frailty) doesn’t want any part of him, but Paxton vouches for him and agrees to take him out on the road and teach him the grifting ropes.  

Famed cinematographer-turned-first-time director Jack Green does a fine job doling out the details of the gypsies’ lifestyle.  He takes his time letting us get to know the ins-and-outs of the small-time swindles and long-term cons.  He’s also smart enough to know when to let us in on the deal and when to pull the wool over our eyes.

There’s also an interesting dynamic going on between the two leads.  While Wahlberg grows into his role with surprisingly adeptness, Paxton finds himself falling into a “normal” relationship with a bartender (Julianna Margulies), a former mark.  He develops a crush and a conscience and even goes so far to give her the money back.  

The film maybe gets a little too ugly and violent near the end.  I guess if you go around ripping off people, it’s bound to come back and bite you eventually.  However, the conclusion is a little too abrupt to really work.  Other than that misstep down around the home stretch, Traveller remains an absorbing, wonderfully acted indie drama.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: SHAOLIN VS. EVIL DEAD (2004) ** ½

Gordon Lui stars as Brother White, a priest bringing a load of zombies to their final resting place.  Along the way, he and his two young helpers, Sun and Fire run smack into a mess of zombies.  The only way to stop them is to trap the zombies’ essence inside of “spirit eggs”.  During the battle, Fire accidentally swallows one of the eggs, which causes some unforeseen problems.

Shaolin vs. Evil Dead starts off with a fun Kung Fu battle inside a haunted restaurant.  The zombies all appear to be normal customers unless you say a spell to reveal their true nature.  It’s a neat bit of Hong Kong horror, but from there, the film gets increasingly spotty as it goes along.

The movie is at its best when it focuses on the evil dead and not shaolin.  The fights are okay, but they sometimes use too much slow motion.  The romantic subplot will get on your nerves too and a lot of the comic relief shit is annoying.  The stuff with Gordon’s headstrong brother is particularly drab and the scene where he creates a “Virgin Army” isn’t nearly as cool as it sounds.  (It’s a bunch of little kids and not a lot of hot girls.)  The “Phantom Chess” sequence in which the kids turn into bad CGI animals is really weak as well.

The zombies are pretty cool though and their make-up is similar to something out of a Fulci film.  The hopping zombies are fun too and the scenes where Lui frantically tries to keep them in check by slapping prayer notes on their foreheads are good for a laugh.  The WTF factor gets kicked up to 11 once Fire eats the spirit egg and shits out a full-grown child covered in shaving cream who follows him around and calls him “mama”.  I can honestly say I haven’t seen that before.

Too bad it all ends so abruptly so you can’t tell what the hell just happened.  Then again, there’s footage from the sequel during the credits to assure you it will all make sense eventually.  Maybe.  All I know is that if the sequel can’t top the child-shitting-out-another-child scene, then why even bother?

ANONYMOUS DEATH THREAT (1975) **

As with most of the El Santo movies I watch, Anonymous Death Threat did not come with the benefit of subtitles.  I think the plot was simple enough to follow though.  Random citizens receive anonymous death threats just before they are murdered in broad daylight.  The detectives on the case are puzzled, so they call on El Santo to help.  After nearly being killed in the ring, he does some investigating and finds out it’s all the work of Nazis!

Anonymous Death Threat isn’t as much fun as the majority of El Santo’s output, mostly because he doesn’t fight any monsters.  I guess you can argue that the Nazis were the worst monsters of all.  I won’t dispute that claim, but the truth of the matter is, El Santo movies work best when he’s fighting stuntmen covered in fake hair, vampire capes, or paper Mache make-up.  While it is cool to see everyone’s favorite Mexican wrestler duking it out with goose-stepping Gestapo agents, you have to wait until the film is halfway over before they’re even revealed as the villains.  Until then, it’s kind of a slog.

The early scenes are the slowest.  In fact, you have to wait a while before El Santo is even introduced in this one.  The long stretches featuring his sidekick Pablo and his girlfriend are particularly dull.  At least Sasha Montenegro makes a memorable impression as the raven-haired beauty in league with the Nazis.

Although El Santo’s scenes are far and away the best in the movie, they lack the punch of his best work.  The action sequences are few and far between (and mostly take place in cramped quarters like janitor’s closets and dark hallways) and there are only two wrestling matches in the film.  The highlight of course, is his match with El Nazi, who has swastikas on his boots.  Naturally, an assassin tries to kill El Santo with a sniper rifle and accidentally kills his opponent instead.  (Just like in Santo vs. the Strangler.)  

AKA:  Santo in Anonymous Death Threat.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: DEATH HOUSE (2018) *

Death House features every star that’s been on the horror convention circuit for the past millennium.  We have Kane Hodder, Bill Moseley, Adrienne Barbeau, Debbie Rochon, Gunnar Hansen (who also gets a story credit), Dee Wallace, Camille Keaton, Barbara Crampton, Sid Haig, Tony Todd, and Michael Berryman, just to name a few.  Just because of that, you’d think it would be worth watching.  No such luck. 

Two government agents take a tour of a high-tech underground prison nicknamed “Death House”.  A combination of gas and virtual reality keep the prisoners in a catatonic state, and the worst-of-the-worst villains, “The Five Evils” are kept on the bottom floor.  Predictably, a power outage causes all the prisoners to escape, and the two agents have to fight their way to safety.  

Sounds like it can’t miss, but it’s an abomination in just about every way you can imagine.

Death House was billed as “The Expendables of Horror”, but it’s really anything but.  Talk about a shitty use of talent.  The titans of terror rarely appear on screen together and when they do, it’s fleeting.  Most of the cast are only around for precious few seconds of screen time or are virtually unrecognizable.  Many appear in what looks to be unrelated footage that was probably filmed on a smoke break during a convention appearance and dropped half-assed into the finished product.  It’s almost as if the director took a green screen to every convention he went to in order to get more stars into the movie.  Speaking of green screen, Death House features some of the worst green screen effects I’ve seen.  The virtual reality stuff is particularly annoying.  

The only effective sequence comes when our heroes stumble upon a room full of skinless prisoners.  They don’t want to escape though.  The LIKE it down there.  This scene would’ve made for its own interesting short film.  Too bad it’s sandwiched inside an otherwise nearly unwatchable mishmash.

Most of Death House is too dark to see.  Most of the time, that’s a blessing.  It also takes forever before we finally get to see the Five Evils in action.  Even then, all they do is stand around and gab for ten minutes or so. Who knew supreme evil’s superpower was talking people to death?