SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: GOTHIC VAMPIRES FROM HELL: BATTLE OF THE BANDS (2007) **

(Streamed via Yuyu TV)

A rock band called Gothic Vampires from Hell enters a battle of the bands concert at a goth nightclub.  There, they meet a record executive named Annastasia Nightshade (Gina DeVettori) who is looking for “new blood” for her label.  That’s obviously code for “turn the group into vampires”.

Gothic Vampires from Hell:  Battle of the Bands is a shot-on-video, microbudget horror flick that’s padded with musical performances and filled with annoying CGI effects.  As far as these things go, it isn’t too bad.  At least it’s short.

The guys look the part of goth posers they resemble dweebs dressed in The Crow cosplay.  (The main guy is even named “Draven” for Christ’s sake.)  The ladies in the group look out of place though as they just seem like skanks you’d see at a regular club.  The music doesn’t seem very goth either as it sounds more like lightweight rock n’ roll.  Also, you kind of have to laugh when the bands are in the midst of the big “battle of the bands” contest and the movie cuts away to maybe like twelve people in total in the bar listening to the music.

The gore is over the top though, which helps.  I liked the scene where a dying guy delivered a long monologue while arterial spray continued to spew out of his gaping neck wound.  In fact, you have to wonder if the vampires ever get any nourishment from their victims as so much blood erupts like a goddamned geyser from their necks. 

The gore effects may be good, but the CGI is anything but.  The animated bats are downright laughable, although I will admit CGI flames looked slightly better.  That dancing CGI fairy (?) on the other hand?  That’s truly WTF. 

The only nudity comes courtesy of a BBW club girl who is put into a trance by one of the sexy vampires and is forced to strip.  I also liked the red-tinted scenes from Nosferatu that were superimposed over the sex scene.  That was a nice touch.  If there was a little bit more skin, this might’ve skated by with a ** ½ rating, but who knows.

The big problem is that it’s heavily padded with mediocre musical numbers.  Probably a third of the running time is devoted to the band playing their music on stage and/or the clubgoers stumbling around trying to dance.  The ending is further padded out by repeating various kills that occurred during the film while the band performs their final number.  Then again, it’s hard to completely hate any movie that uses about as much blood as the Red Cross goes through in a month, so for that and that alone, I can’t give it any less than **.

AKA:  Gothic Vampires from Hell.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: FLAVIA, THE HERETIC (1977) ***

(Streamed via Drive-In Classics)

Flavia (Florinda Bolkan, who sort of has a Laura Gemser quality about her) witnesses her father decapitating a helpless soldier on the battlefield, so he has her locked away in a convent. There, she is subject to humiliation and torture at the hands of her fellow sisters. She tries to escape, but she is captured and brought back to suffer some more.  Flavia then shacks up with a Muslim warrior whose army has sacked the city, and together they take over the convent and get revenge on those who wronged her.

Flavia, the Heretic is more of a nunsploitation flick than an outright horror film, and director Gianfranco Mingozzi’s handling of the admittedly lurid material is more artsy than exploitative.  However, there are several unsettling sequences here that are sure to shock you.  Heck, there was even a moment or two that made this dyed-in-the-wool gorehound squirm in his seat.  From the order of horny “Tarantula Women”, to the rape in a pig sty, to the disgusting horse castration scene, there’s something here to offend just about everybody, and I mean that in the best possible way. 

But wait, there’s more.  There are torture scenes, nipples cut off, flogging, pissing, orgies, and even cannibalism too.  The nightmares, hallucinations, and sequences of blasphemous visions are effective too.

It also helps that Bolkan delivers a heck of a performance as the hateful, spiteful Flavia.  If only Anthony Higgins, who plays Flavia’s lover was the slightest bit intimidating.  Instead, he looks more like a member of an early ‘00s boy band than a Muslim warrior.  In the spirit of the nuns featured in the movie, I think I can forgive him.

Ultimately, Flavia, the Heretic is too long and sluggishly paced to be considered a classic.  Devotees of naughty nun cinema will sit up and take notice of the wild imagery and sacrilegious antics though.  It’s so nasty, you’ll probably feel the need to go to confession after you see it.

AKA:  Flavia:  Heretic Priestess.  AKA:  Flavia the Rebel Nun.  AKA:  Flavia, Priestess of Violence.  AKA:  The Heretic.  AKA:  The Muslim Nun.  AKA:  The Rebel Nun.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: CITADEL (2012) ** ½

 

(Streamed via ConTV)

Tommy (Aneurin Barnard) watches in horror as his very pregnant wife is assaulted by a gang of juvenile hooligans in their apartment building.  After that traumatic incident, he develops an aggressive case of agoraphobia.  Tommy struggles to get help all the while caring for his infant.  Problems arise when he tries to confront his fears, which leads to the gruesome kiddies kidnapping his baby.  He then turns to a foulmouthed priest (James Cosmo, in full-on Brian Cox mode) to help rescue his baby and send those evil brats back to Hell.

In all honesty, Citadel probably works better now than when it was released back in 2012.  Nowadays, just about everyone is afraid to leave their home, so we are all the more sympathetic to our hero’s dilemma.  Director Ciaran Foy does a good job of hinting at the possibility the gang might be a delusion of our already mentally frail hero.  I mean, it doesn’t take Freud to figure out this roving band of killer kiddies just might be a manifestation of his impending fear of fatherhood.

Citadel won’t be for everyone, especially considering the fact that it puts a baby in jeopardy at several junctions.  I know it’s kind of a low blow to resort to something that, but some of these scenes really work.  Sometimes, you got to hit below the belt in order to get people’s attention. 

Too bad the wheels fall off during the third act.  Things are especially weak whenever the film tries to gratuitously “explain” why the kids are the way they are.  It was a lot creepier when we didn’t know.  Much of the mythology behind the terrorizing tykes is unneeded and/or just plain dumb.  (The lone “good” kid seems like he stepped out of a Shyamalan movie.)  That said, the opening is a real grabber, and there’s at least one harrowing sequence here to ensure Foy’s place as a filmmaker to watch.  (Naturally, he immediately shit the bed with his next effort, the totally lame Sinister 2.)

AKA:  Enter the Darkness.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: VIRAL (2016) **

(Streamed via MovieSphere Free)

Well, when you’re in the midst of a pandemic and you decide to devote an entire month to watching horror movies, it’s only a matter of time before you wind up watching one about a pandemic.  From that standpoint, it’s interesting to see what the filmmakers (in this case Paranormal Activity 2 and 3’s Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman) accurately predicted.  Viral contains scenes where families watch Presidential addresses for more information on the virus, towns being placed under quarantine, people wearing masks, and stupid teens defying curfew orders to go to a party, causing the virus to spread even further.  I’d say they hit the hammer on the nail in that respect.  As a horror movie though, it just never really comes together.

The virus, known as “Worm Flu”, infects its victims with a parasitic worm that controls their actions and forces them to infect others.  Sisters Emma (Sofia Black-D’Elia) and Stacey (Analeigh Tipton) are forced to stay in their home when the viral outbreak ravages their town.  It’s only a matter of time before Stacey gets infected and Emma makes a desperate attempt to save her life.

It’s here where Joost and Schulman deliver the film’s lone nasty set piece, but it’s a good one.  Emma knocks Stacey out and performs an emergency worm-ectomy on her diseased sister.  Imagine an episode of Dr. Pimple Popper, but with giant worms, and that might give you a clue as to what to expect. 

Other than that fun sequence, the film never really gets into gear.  It feels like it doesn’t know whether to be a viral outbreak movie or a straight up zombie flick.  It ultimately tries to split the difference, which leads to some uneven results. 

The last ten minutes feels tacked on, almost as if it was a reshoot meant to up the horror quotient.  If the movie ended with the emergency surgery scene, it might’ve skated by with ** ½.  However, it tries to cram in both an additional zombified citizen attack AND a needless nightmare sequence, both of which are extremely lackluster.  Still, it’s better than either of the directors’ Paranormal Activity flicks, although that’s not saying much. 

It helps that the two stars deliver solid performances.  Black-D’Elia (who was fun to watch on the short-lived TV show, The Mick) does a fine job as the goodie two-shoes sister.  Tipton is equally good as her wild child sibling, but unfortunately, many of her scenes are opposite her boyfriend, played by rapper Machine Gun Kelly, whose performance is painfully embarrassing.  He should stick to spitting rhymes because he’s not too convincing at spitting blood.

KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE (1982) ** ½

Once a year, the Gates of Hell are opened, and lost souls are allowed to briefly roam the Earth.  During this time, a rotten-faced ghost visits his son, played by Billy Chong, and asks him to get revenge on the man who killed him.  Being a dutiful son, Billy agrees, but he quickly gets in over his head when he comes into possession of a book of spells his father’s killer needs to become invincible.

Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave is a fitfully amusing hodgepodge of horror and chopsocky.  While it certainly has its moments, the valleys in between the peaks are often long and laborious.  As a Kung Fu movie, it’s rather undistinguished as the fight choreography is pretty standard issue stuff. 

However, the horror elements are goofy enough to make it memorable.  According to the film’s mythology, evil spirits from Hell can be bribed just as easily as living men.  This explains the hilarious scene where the villain is cornered by the heroes.  Fearing for his life, he resorts to throwing a stack of hundreds in the air and shouts, “Count Dracula!  Come to my aid!”  There’s an explosion, and Chong and company then must do battle with Dracula while the villain makes a hasty retreat.

I actually had to stop and rewind this part to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. 

That scene is a keeper.  Too bad the rest of the film is brutally uneven.  For every ho-hum Kung Fu fight, there’s a scene with a zombie with Mr. Fantastic arms or a part where someone gets their heart cut out while fucking.  Maybe if there was just one more sequence on the level of the Dracula scene, it might’ve been enough to tie it all together.  As it stands, Kung Fu from Beyond the Grave makes for a decent companion piece to the similarly themed Billy Chong horror-martial arts flick, Kung Fu Zombie, which was released the previous year.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: THE DESCENT: PART 2 (2010) ***

(Streamed via Pluto TV)

Sarah (Shauna Macdonald) barely escapes battling slimy cave monsters with her life.  After a brief rest in the hospital, the sheriff (Gavan O’Herlihy from Superman 3 and Death Wish 3) demands to know where her friends are.  Since her memory is a little screwy, and she doesn’t remember the first movie very well (who could blame her?) she stupidly agrees to lead the police and a small rescue team back into the caves.  It’s only until they’ve walked around the caves for half the running time does she realize, “Oh shit, that’s right!  There are monsters down here!” before all hell breaks loose… again.

This movie has balls, I’ll give it that.  Hollywood usually spends a lot of time and money trying to think up ways to make the characters do all the things they did in the original once again for the sequel.  This time out, they just have the character have some half-assed form of amnesia, so she doesn’t remember tangoing with the bat monsters from the first flick.  You have to give the filmmakers credit for making the lead character as stupid as they think the audience is.

Thankfully, I must be rock stupid because I liked this one a lot more than the (wildly) overpraised original.

First off, let me just say it was wonderful seeing Gavan O’Herlihy in a sizable role again.  He’s a lot older and greyer than the last time I saw him.  In fact, he REALLY looks like his old man, Dan now.

Macdonald doesn’t leave much of an impression though.  She really didn’t make much of an impression in the first movie to be completely honest.  In fact, I had to look on IMDb to make sure they didn’t just find another actress to play her part.

Mostly, this is another one of those People with Flashlights Walking Down a Long Hallway and Looking for Other People movie, except the hallway in question is a series of unending caves and some of the people have flashlights attached to their helmets.  Other than that, it’s the same old shit as the first movie, except with way less women.

The good news is, as far as these things go, it’s technically competent.  It’s also gory as fuck.  Among the juicy tidbits:  Finger biting, head crushing, and brain drilling.  You just have to admire any director who gives us multiple monster attack scenes where the humans kill the monsters by jabbing them in the throat or face and blood and ooze erupts from the wound and cascades into the would-be victim’s screaming mouth. 

The director, Jon Harris, also edited the original Descent, by the way.  It’s a shame he hasn’t sat in the director’s chair since because he delivered a number of memorable sequences.  There’s a nasty scene where the search party stumbles over a rotting fileted corpse that suddenly begins moving unexpectedly.  I also dug the scene in which some rescue workers had to swing on a corpse like Tarzan in order to get to safety.  Probably the best part though is when a few characters find themselves in the creatures’ toilet, complete with a shot of the monster taking a shit.  You don’t see that every day.

SCREAM AND STREAM AGAIN: ANNABELLE COMES HOME (2019) ***

(Streamed via HBO Max)

I run hot-to-cold on these Conjure-Verse movies.  The first Conjuring was pretty good, but the sequel was merely so-so.  The spin-offs are increasingly hit-and-miss, with Annabelle being one of the worst major studio releases of the 21^st century.  The sequel, Annabelle:  Creation was a step in the right direction, although it was no great shakes either.  Well, I’m happy to report that the Annabelle spin-off series has finally found its stride with the fun, entertaining, and surprisingly heartfelt Annabelle Comes Home. 

As you probably remember, paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) acquired the haunted Annabelle doll and locked it away in their occult basement so it wouldn’t harm anyone.  When they go out of town, they hire a smoking hot babysitter named Mary Ellen (Madison Iseman) to watch their kid (Mckenna Grace).  Naturally, Mary Ellen brings her friend Daniela (Katie Sarife) along, and when no one is looking, she goes down in the basement and accidentally wakes up, not only Annabelle, but all the cursed knickknacks the Warrens have locked up (and for good reason).

I thought it was a nice touch to bring The Conjuring stars Wilson and Farmiga into the spin-off series, but as it turns out, their scenes are actually the weakest element.  Since the movie runs a whopping 106 minutes, their stuff could’ve easily been whittled down.  (They really should’ve had extended cameos.)  Instead, they clog up the first act with a lot of unnecessary rigmarole that prevents the show from getting immediately on the road. 

Once the sexy babysitters unleash the deranged doll from her case, the supernatural shit hits the fan, and the movie goes into overdrive.  This is the kind of film Sam Raimi would call a “Spook-a-Blast”.  Some monster or ghoul is constantly popping out at the audience every five minutes while the soundtrack blares.  No one ever seems to be hurt or in any serious danger, but it’s a helluva fun ride. 

The most surprising part of the movie is that you actually care about these characters.  In most horror flicks, the character of Daniela would’ve been an annoying third wheel who lets the monsters loose because she’s a klutz or something.  Although she starts out with that kind of vibe, we soon learn she is dealing with some major issues and we can sort of sympathize why she does what she does. 

Likewise, Mary Ellen isn’t your average Babysitter Final Girl.  She feels like a real flesh and blood character, and her friendship with Daniela is natural and genuine.  Heck, even the creepy Warren kid is likeable.  In most of these things, whenever a creepy kid sees dead people, they come off as either precocious brats or annoying thumbsuckers.  Here, she is grappling with her “gift”, but still trying to eke out an existence as a regular kid.  It helps that Iseman, Sarife, and Grace have a lot of chemistry together, and when they team up to fight the evil in the basement, you can’t help but root for them.

The basement, it should be said, is a little overcrowded.  I don’t know if the filmmakers were too busy trying to spin-off more spin-offs from this spin-off, but this movie is loaded with (probably too many) monsters, ghosts, and demons.  There are Ferrymen, Killer Brides, Ghost Samurai, and even a goddamn werewolf on the hunt for the kids.  In fact, you have to wonder where the heck Annabelle is some of the time.  Maybe they were trying to do an Avengers team-up deal with all the monsters in the basement rallying together in the name of evil.  It’s all just silly enough to work, although there are times when the wheels threaten to come flying off.

It ultimately comes down to one word:  Fun.  If you’re looking for subtle, intellectual horror, this ain’t it.  If, however, you enjoy horror movies that feel more like a ride, Annabelle Comes Home will be a more than welcome homecoming. 

AKA:  Annabelle 3.