HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: TIMECRIMES (2008) ***

Timecrimes is the first film by Nacho Vigalondo.  While no means perfect, it’s much more inventive and fun than his later films like Open Windows and Colossal.  In some ways, it almost feels like a warm-up to his contribution to V/H/S:  Viral, “Parallel Monsters” as both films feature a hero foolishly messing around with time and space. 

Hector (Karra Elejalde) moves into a new house with his wife Clara (Candela Fernandez).  While relaxing in his backyard, he thinks he sees a damsel in distress (Barbara Goenaga) in the woods.  When Hector goes to investigate, he soon finds himself hunted by a menacing figure wrapped in bandages.  Our hero is then pursued to a nearby laboratory where a lowly technician (played by Vigalondo) is working on a time machine. 

Timecrimes is simultaneously complex and deceptively simple.  There are no real surprises here, but that’s because if there were, the film’s painstaking timeline would be disrupted.  While many viewers will be able to figure out how it all plays out, it’s still a lot of fun to watch Vigalondo slyly dropping all the pieces into place. 

Nacho is also able to milk a surprising amount of suspense out of what is ostensibly a forgone conclusion, which is pretty admirable.  While it often plays like an overlong short film, Vigalondo keeps things moving along at a steady clip.  There is no fat on the movie as every scene needs to be there in order to keep the film’s tightly structured premise afloat. 

The cloaked, bandaged killer casts a striking image.  He’s definitely one of the most stylish looking killers in recent memory as he resembles a low budget ‘70s Italian version of Darkman.  Even if you can easily guess his identity, the shadowy stalker will leave a memorable impression on you long after you see it. 

AKA:  Rewind.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE STRANGE CASE OF DOCTOR RX (1942) * ½

Whenever a high-profile murder suspect gets off Scott free by the courts, the vigilante “Dr. Rx” swoops in to see that justice is served.  Super sleuth Jerry Church (Patric Knowles) is urged out of retirement to catch the killer before he strikes again. 

The Strange Case of Doctor Rx feels like Universal’s attempt to create a detective franchise in the vein of Sherlock Holmes, Perry Mason, and Charlie Chan.  The fact that Mantan Moreland plays Church’s perpetually put-upon valet particularly makes it feel like a latter-day Chan adventure, but done in Universal’s B-programmer style.  This wasn’t a bad idea, but the problem is, the character of Church is thoroughly unlikeable. 

I’ve enjoyed Knowles in other films.  He did an especially good job in The Wolf Man, which came out the year before.  It’s just that his character is an utterly detestable blowhard that it makes it hard to care whether or not he ever gets around to solving the case.  What really makes it bad is the fact that he bosses Moreland around way too much.  When Sidney Toler was giving Moreland the business as Charlie Chan, it was generally good-natured, but here, the dialogue is often downright nasty. 

Although they make it out that Lionel Atwill is going to be the fiendish Dr. Rx, it’s another case of bait-and-switch.  Atwill is usually fun to watch, but unfortunately, he isn’t given very much to do this time around.  The same can be said for Shemp Howard, who plays a bumbling detective on the case.  It’s a shame when such gifted comedians like Shemp and Mantan have to play second (and third) fiddle in such a dreary flick, especially when they are both obviously far above the material.  At least the filmmakers were smart enough to let them share a scene together, which is far and away the best thing the movie has to offer.

Another reason to hate this movie:  The big horror-related sequence winds up to be nothing more than (SPOILER) a trick by the killer to scare Knowles off the case.  Seriously, why go through all the trouble of concocting a mad scientist lab complete with a killer gorilla in a cage for just a cheap scaring tactic? 

In short, the only side effect from this Rx is sheer annoyance.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE RING 2 (1999) *

In 1998, The Ring was released simultaneously with its immediate sequel, Spiral.  Spiral was so bad the producers got together and agreed it didn’t exist.  After that, they hired the original director Hideo Nakata to helm The Ring 2, the “true” sequel. 

As someone who didn’t mind the original and thoroughly detested Spiral, I thought this was a smart move.  As it turns out, The Ring 2 is nearly just (but not quite) as bad.  Heck, it’s even worse than the American remake and its sequel! 

The kernel of the premise is similar to Spiral as everyone is looking for the heroine of The Ring who promptly disappeared after the events of the first film with her young son.  Things dovetail once our characters finally catch up with the mother and son duo and learn there is something seriously wrong with the kid.

Even though Spiral was appallingly bad in just about every way, at least the set-up had potential.  This one similarly bungles whatever promise it had early on.  While Spiral made radically stupid storytelling decisions, at least they were so dumb that it was sure to stay (for better or worse) engrained in your skull for years to come.  The additions to the mythology in The Ring 2 are much more generic and uninspired.  Most of it deals with a lot of Stephen King/X-Men crap involving psychics and telekinesis, and none of it feels like it should fit in with the mythos of the original.  Things really go in the toilet once a doctor tries an experiment on the kid to draw the ghost girl Sadako out into the real world. 

There is one genuinely effective moment when a forensics expert recreates Sadako’s face by molding clay over her skull, but the rest of it is aggressively boring.  According to The Ring’s lore, if you watch the haunted videotape, you die a horrible death seven days later.  When you watch The Ring 2, you’re sure to die of boredom seven minutes in.

Nakata later went on to direct the sequel to the American remake, The Ring Two.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: THE CURSE OF THE KOMODO (2004) **

It’s been a while since I watched a Jim Wynorski flick.  As a fan of his work, I’m usually up for whatever genre he finds himself dabbling in at the time.  The Curse of the Komodo was made during Jim’s SyFy Channel phase, and as early-century CGI-heavy monster mashes go, you could do a lot worse.

Scientists working on a remote Hawaiian island get hoodwinked by the government who want to turn their giant formula into a weapon.  Naturally, a Komodo dragon gets into their stash and grows to enormous size.  After eating up all the wildlife in the area, the ravaging reptile soon sets its sights on making a hot lunch out of the scientists (not to mention a gang of thieves who are hiding out on the island).

It’s always fun seeing Wynorski finding ways to utilize his usual cast of stock players.  In this case, we have Tim Abell as the reluctant hero, Gail Harris as the sexy scientist, Arthur Roberts as a cop, Jay Richardson as the head of the operation, and Paul Logan and Melissa Brasselle as the thieves.  The most memorable bit comes from Glori-Anne Gilbert who goes skinny-dipping mid-movie and manages to steal the film out from under the Komodo in the process.  (The swimming hole location will look familiar to fans of Wynorski’s Busty Cops Go Hawaiian.) 

It must be said that the Komodo effects are pretty good, at least for a SyFy Channel flick.  What I liked about the creature was that it looked fake, but in the best possible sense.  Like the aliens in Mars Attacks!, the monster has a herky-jerky gait about him which is a nice nod to the ‘50s stop-motion monster movies that the film is clearly aping.  

Too bad the budget was so low that they could only afford to show him sparingly.  Yes, most of the running time is devoted to a lot of dull dialogue scenes.  The stuff with the thieves hiding out on the island eats up a lot of screen time (as does the subplot involving the Komodo’s saliva turning people into half-assed zombies).  If only Glori-Anne Gilbert managed to hop in that swimming hole two or three more times, it might’ve been worthwhile.  (Brasselle does have a couple of scenes where she walks around in a see-through T-shirt though.)  As it is, The Curse of the Komodo is a watchable, but inessential addition to the SyFy and/or Wynorski library.

Wynorski returned the next year with Komodo vs. Cobra.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: FILTHY MCNASTY 4: CARNAL HOLOCAUST (2015) * ½

As far as Chris Seaver’s no-budget horror-comedies go, I thought Filthy McNasty was one of his more watchable efforts.  Although Parts 2 and 3 somehow passed me by, that didn’t stop me from watching this fourth installment in the series.  Speaking as someone who’s sat through many of Seaver’s films, I pretty much got what I was expecting (or deserved, depending on your point of view). 

A nerdy Sex Ed teacher named… uh… Ms. Sex Ed (Desiree Saetia) is ridiculed by her unruly students for not knowing enough about the subject she’s teaching.  She goes home, does a Satanic ritual, and summons two of Filthy McNasty’s underlings (Meredith Host and Jesse Ames) who use black magic to make her hot.  (Well… they make her take her glasses off and wear better-fitting clothing.)  Naturally, if she wants to stay that way, she has to lure her students to their death.

Most of the jokes are crude and unfunny and the characters are beyond annoying.  The Scooby-Doo-style scenes are pretty painful and the stuff with the two demons (who wear slightly less than elaborate Halloween masks) is almost just as bad.  Even the sexy actresses in the cast can’t do much with the material.  A lot of nudity would’ve gone a long way with something like this, but unfortunately, the two actresses with the biggest breasts only show them very briefly.  

The big problem is the length.  Most of Seaver’s movies clock in at around an hour or so.  This one is a whopping 81 minutes.  To say it wears out its welcome fast in an understatement.

It’s not all bad though.  The scene where the students sit around and discuss which Ernest movie is the best is good for a laugh.  I also enjoyed the Mystery Science Theater reference and seeing a character reading an issue of Psychotronic magazine.

The big gross-out moment comes when one of the demons bangs one of the busty students.  Not content to merely use his demon dong on her, he sodomizes her with a giant turd that goes into her butt and out her mouth.  I guess that gives new meaning to the term “ass to mouth”.  If that doesn’t leave a bad taste in your mouth (pardon the pun), nothing will.

AKA:  Beyond McNasty:  Filthy McNasty 4. 

CLEANING OUT THE DVR: BLOOD SAND (2015) ***

(DVR’ed from Showtime Beyond on March 23, 2018 during a Showtime Free Preview Weekend)

Teenagers awaken on the beach after a night of non-stop partying with little memory of the night before.  They soon learn the hard way that if they touch the sand, tiny tentacles lurking beneath the surface will drain them of their blood and suck them down into the ground.  While stuck high and dry in various places (lifeguard stand, immobilized car, trashcan, etc.) they must work together to overcome the subterranean menace. 

Blood Sand is a surprisingly entertaining amalgam of Blood Beach, Tremors, “The Raft” segment from Creepshow 2, and the old childhood game of The Floor is Lava.  The opening sequence of teens filming themselves partying it up on the beach had me expecting the worst as I was afraid this was going to be another Found Footage horror flick.  Thankfully, director Isaac Gabaeff quickly scraps that angle and almost immediately gets the movie down to business. 

The cast do a fine job of selling the potentially silly premise and help to make it feel grounded (no pun intended) in reality.  Brooke Butler and Megan Holder are believable as the two rivals for their man’s affections who put their beef on hold to survive the night.  Playboy Playmate Nikki Leigh also puts in a memorable turn as the perpetually topless first victim.  It’s Jamie Kennedy who steals the movie though as the asshole beach cop who cluelessly stumbles upon the scene mid-movie. 

Blood Sand is a little bit better at each turn than it has to be as Gabaeff gets a lot of mileage out of the slim plot and limited location.  That is, until the final reel, which comes as a bit of a letdown.  The full-grown monster is kind of chintzy (Ray Harryhausen did the whole tentacle monster thing better in the ‘50s with It Came from Beneath the Sea) and the CGI is fairly crappy overall.  The gore is better than average though, which helps.  What really matters is how Alex Greenfield and Ben Powell’s script consistently finds new ways to wring genuine suspense out of the characters’ predicament. 

In short, Blood Sand is a shore winner.   

AKA:  The Sand.  AKA:  Killer Beach.

HALLOWEEN HANGOVER: IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA (1955) ***

Kenneth Tobey stars as the captain of an atomic submarine who has a close encounter with an unidentified object during maneuvers.  The government calls in a pair of scientists (Faith Domergue and Donald Curtis) to investigate and they come to the conclusion that it was a giant squid who was the culprit.  You see, all those H-Bomb tests out in the middle of the ocean has turned a regular old squid into an enormous monster.  Pretty soon, the massive mollusk is terrorizing the deep blue sea, and it’s up to Tobey, Domergue, and Curtis to stop it. 

It Came from Beneath the Sea is something of a comfort film for me.  It might not be the best of the movies Ray Harryhausen provided stop-motion special effects for, but I have a certain affinity for it.  Not only does it feature cool special effects, the familiar, reliable cast help to elevate it from the ranks of your typical ‘50s monster mash.  Usually, the human drama scenes are always the dullest in these things.  This time around though, the stuff with Tobey, Domergue, and Curtis is engaging and entertaining, making the love triangle scenes more than just filler.  It also helps to hold your attention as you await the monster mashing carnage.  Tobey (no stranger to giant animal movies after starring in Them!) and Domergue (who also starred in This Island Earth the same year) in particular have a lot of chemistry together and make for a fine team.

Special effects wizard Ray Harryhausen does a remarkable job considering the monster is little more than a collection of tentacles.  (In fact, there are six instead of eight, but who’s counting?)  While the monster itself may lack the personality of some of Harryhausen’s best creations, the scenes where it eats fishermen, attacks boats, flattens pedestrians, and in the film’s centerpiece, topples the Golden Gate Bridge are a lot of fun.

That’s what it ultimately comes down to:  Fun.  Are there better giant animal movies from the ‘50s you could watch?  Sure.  However, this is a solid, if unsung genre entry that will surely fit the bill for fans of the genre, cast, or Harryhausen.