THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #10: CAROUSHELL (2016) ***

(Streamed via Crackle)

We’ve all been at a point at our job when we just want to break free, walk out, and never look back.  The main character of Caroushell, Duke has the same problem.  The fact that he’s a killer carousel horse is beside the point.  

An internet influencer’s world is shattered when her stripper mother informs her she must babysit her bratty little brother.  She takes the kid to the local amusement park, and he happens to sit on Duke.  After he tells the wooden horse to “eat a dick”, Duke decides he’s finally had enough and leaves the carousel once and for all.  He then goes around the park killing those who’ve wronged him, eventually setting his sights on the little brat and his sexy sister.  

If you can’t tell, Caroushell is a dumb movie, but it’s my kind of dumb.  It’s also almost always a little bit better than you expect.  For example, I kind of expected Duke to stab people in the throat with its horn.  I kind of expected him to say amusement park-related wisecracks after he killed someone like, “You must be this tall… to DIE!”  I didn’t, however, foresee him using a machete and making an homage to Friday the 13th Part 6:  Jason Lives.  

Yes, it’s dumb, but it also contains a handful of hearty and genuine laughs.  While not all of it works, you have to tip your hat to the filmmakers for stretching out such a thin premise in an entertaining way.  Heck, the movie even knows when it’s running out of ideas and comments on it as well.  You’ve got to respect that.

Another plus is that it’s only sixty-six minutes long, which is probably the ideal length for a movie about a wisecracking sentient serial killer carousel horse.  In fact, it’s still probably a tad overlong as it starts to run out of steam before it reaches its climax.  That said, where else are you going to see a drunk partygoer seducing a carousel horse?  Although it’s not quite up there with the killer snowman rape scene from Jack Frost, this sequence is still a winner in my book.  

VENOM: LET THERE BE CARNAGE (2021) ***

Venom was a much-better-than-expected superhero slobber-knocker thanks to its zany energy and a Nicolas Cage-level bonkers performance by Tom Hardy.  The sequel, Let There Be Carnage offers up more of the same, and why not?  It’s big, loud, dumb fun, and frankly, the world could use a little of that right now.  

The first act is its funniest.  We find reporter Eddie Brock (Hardy) and his alien symbiote Venom in a less than harmonious place.  They bicker like an old married couple, both feeling that one doesn’t fully appreciate the other.  Eventually, they break up and Venom goes on to have a wild night of partying, going to a rave, getting drunk, being covered head to toe in glow-in-the-dark light stick necklaces, and hopping on stage to profess his love for everyone in the room.  Sadly, he still misses Eddie.  

Before the split, Brock gets a scoop to interview serial killer Cletus Kasady (Woody Harrelson), who bites him on the hand and inadvertently drinks some of Venom’s blood.  Just as he’s about to be executed, the symbiote Carnage takes control over Kasady and he more than lives up to his name, causing carnage and mayhem wherever he goes.  It’s then up to Venom and Eddie to make amends and reunite before Carnage brings the city to its knees.  

While the first act keeps the swimming-in-the-lobster-tank vibe of the original, it becomes more formulaic as it goes on.  That isn’t really a bad thing though.  No one can fault the movie for dillydallying as it moves like a freight train.  Sometimes, it even feels as it’s rushing itself towards the climax.  Sure, you might wish that the pace stopped for a breather now and again, but at ninety-seven minutes, it’s much shorter than your average comic book flick nowadays.  I for one appreciate these things when they aren’t bloated, overstuffed, and overlong. 

Once again, Hardy brings his own quirky charm to the role.  His domestic scenes with Venom are quite winning and he does a good job at struggling to maintain normalcy while talking to your average person on the street.  Harrelson is a perfect match for him.  He’s clearly having a blast, even if his role is little more than a slight variation on his character from Natural Born Killers.  (He even has a demented lover/partner in crime he has to break out of jail.)  As Hardy’s love interest, Michelle Williams comes perilously close to having absolutely nothing to do, but she does it quite well.

By the time the film devolves into your typical superhero fisticuffs, it manages to still carry a spark of personality, even if the finale is a little overly familiar.  As a fan of Venom and Carnage in the comics, it scratched this fanboy’s itch.  The same goes for the post-credits tag.

I’m sure you could nitpick this movie all day.  Although it has its share of flaws, it remains zippy, mindless, and entertaining.  It kind of reminded me a bit of the old pre-MCU superhero flicks of the ‘90s and ‘00s.  It’s messy, cheesy, and takes liberties with the source material, but it's a damned good time, nevertheless.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #9: DRACULA’S DAUGHTER (1972) ***

(Streamed via Corpse Collective)

Louisa (Britt Nichols) rushes to visit her dying mother, who informs her that she is a direct descendent of the vampire Count Karlstein (Jess Franco regular Howard Vernon).  Upon her mother’s death, Louisa inherits the family castle where she is almost immediately bitten by the Count.  Meanwhile, a police inspector (Alberto Dalbes) searches for a killer who has left his victims with gaping neck wounds.

Director Jess Franco gives us a rather suspenseful scene right out of the gate.  A peeping Tom watches in the shadows as a beautiful woman undresses and bathes.  Franco does a neat thing here to let the audience know that this isn’t meant to be titillating, but creepy by cutting away from the naked woman to an extreme close-up on the peeper’s bulging eyeball every twelve seconds or so.  Many directors will give you a point of view shot of the killer, but Franco gives us a point of view of the killer’s point of view.  

The film’s centerpiece is a long, romantic sequence where the vampiric Louisa seduces her sexy cousin Karine (Anne Libert) and they indulge in incestuous lesbian vampire sex.  There is a lot of chemistry between the two performers and the scene is a lot more tender and erotic than you might expect.  Their final tryst together isn’t quite as good though and is undone by the odd music choice that sounds like a temp track from a Tom and Jerry cartoon.  

Whenever the film concentrates on the romance between Nichols and Libert, it is quite involving.  It’s only in the second half, when the inspector character is introduced, that it begins to run out of steam.  Despite its drawbacks, Dracula’s Daughter remains a stronger than usual offering from Franco.

Speaking of Franco, he has a sizeable role as the off-brand Van Helsing character.  He arguably gives the best performance too, although I would say Nichols manages to surpass him, based on the strength of her love scenes.  Vernon isn’t given much to do as the vampire except rise slowly from his coffin a couple of times, so if you’re a fan of his, you might be disappointed.  Lina Romay (who isn’t listed in the credits on IMDb) also pops up briefly early on, but sadly, disappears pretty quickly.

AKA:  Daughter of Dracula.   

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #8: THE ASTROLOGER (1975) **

(Streamed via ConTV)

The Astrologer is the directorial debut of James Glickenhaus, the man who gave us The Exterminator.  It is nowhere near the immortal classic that film was.  However, watching it makes you appreciate how much he grew as a filmmaker in the years between the two movies.

Alexi (Bob Byrd) is the head of the “Interzod” program that uses astrology and computers to locate and identify those with “zodiacal potential”.  The latest Interzod report suggests that a cult leader from India named Kajerste (producer Mark Buntzman, director of Exterminator 2) just might be the Antichrist.  Another startling development:   Alexi’s wife Kate (Monica Tidwell from Nocturna) just may happen to be the second coming of the Virgin Mary.  Who will prevail in the ongoing struggle between good and evil?  

The beginning is weird, confusing, and stupid.  It shows still images of the moon landing while a narrator goes on and on about astrology.  It kind of reminded me of those old commercials for Time Life books.  “Did this movie really suck?  READ THE BOOK!”  The old school computer font used for the title cards is pretty sweet though.  

Every time it seemingly raises an interesting idea (like Alexi already knowing Kate is the Virgin Mother, marrying her, and then not giving her any in order to keep her virginal), it inevitably gets bogged down with more chitchat.  Sure, there’s an occasional moment of bloodletting and T & A, but they aren’t nearly enough to salvage the talky sections.  Speaking of T & A, there is at least one great scene where Tidwell goes to have her fortune told, only to be informed by the gypsy woman she’ll have to strip in order to have her palm read.  This is my kind of fortune telling!

Former Playboy Playmate Tidwell has a winning presence and makes for a likeable heroine.   Everyone else in the cast acts like a stuffed shirt.  Whenever Tidwell is on screen, The Astrologer is at the very least, watchable.  Whenever it slides into long, dull, talky tangents filled with pseudointellectual nonsensical psychobabble, it’s a severe drag.   The constant cutting back and forth from Alexi in D.C. to Kajerste in India only bogs the pace down more.  The total non-ending is a major letdown as well.  I’m sure Glickenhaus did everything he could to make a good movie with the limited means at his disposal, but it just wasn’t written in the stars.

AKA:  Suicide Cult.

DEATH WEEKEND (1977) *** ½

Brenda Vaccaro stars as a fashion model spending the weekend with her dentist boyfriend (Death Wish V’s Chuck Shamata).  While on their way to his lakeside retreat, they are terrorized by a gang of hooligans in a hot rod.  Little do they know Vaccaro can really drive and she manages to run the creeps off the road.  Eventually, the goons find out where they are staying and set out to get revenge.  

Produced by Ivan Reitman and written and directed by William (Funeral Home) Fruet, this Canadian-lensed thriller is anchored by a fine performance by Vaccaro.  She’s allowed to be stronger and more capable than many of the women in jeopardy you usually see in these kinds of films.  She certainly shows more backbone than her boyfriend and puts up a heck of a lot more of a fight.  It’s Don Stroud who steals the movie as the psycho ringleader of the gang of crazies.  Stroud always excelled at playing unhinged characters, but this is one of his best performances.  

Death Weekend proves to be a little better than you’d expect at just about every turn.  Just when the film looks like it’s going to settle down into a lull, Fruet will introduce a nasty little touch to keep it interesting.  Take for instance the scene where Vacarro is getting settled in her room and the camera cuts back to show that maybe Shamata isn’t such a nice guy after all.  Another little touch I liked was when the camera shows a “No Trespassing” sign and then slowly pans down to show that someone is indeed trespassing.  Fruet’s handling of the opening chase sequence is even much better than you’d expect.

There’s also a bit of a class warfare element here.  The blue-collar thugs are having way too much fun dressing down the well-to-do dentist and his interior design choices.  They also relish taking advantage of the classy fashion model that is clearly out of their league.

While Death Weekend is technically a rape n’ revenge movie, they don’t spend as much time on the rape as you might think, and it’s not done in an overly gratuitous manner.  It was made in between Straw Dogs and I Spit on Your Grave and contains elements of both of those films.  While not on the same level, it remains a crackling and effective thriller in its own right.

The revenge sequences are pretty sweet too.  They involve stabbing, explosions, vehicular manslaughter, and my favorite, quicksand.  When I was a kid, I had a fear of quicksand, so every time, I see someone die via quicksand in a movie, it gets to me.  As a connoisseur of quicksand scenes in cinema, it delights me to say, Death Weekend has one of the best.

AKA:  The House by the Lake.  

MIDNIGHT INTRUDERS (1973) **

Midnight Intruders kicks off with a long scene of the Husband (Alain Mayniel) and the Wife (Francoise Darc) making love intercut randomly with footage of planes taking off and landing.  It’s hard to tell if the shots of the planes are supposed to be important to the plot or symbolic of the couple’s lovemaking.  Turns out it’s both.  You see, after the achieving lift-off in the bedroom, the Husband catches a flight to go on a business trip.  

While he’s away, the Wife has an affair with the Lover (Alexander Chapuies).  Predictably, the Husband comes home early, catches them in the act, and bludgeons the dude to death.  That’s just a taste of the terror the night has in store for the Wife.

Written and directed by Gary (Amanda by Night) Graver, Midnight Intruders suffers from some inconsistent sex scenes.  While Graver manages to make a few look kinda arty (like the red-tinted three-way), others are either boring or laughable.  Even then, some of the arty looking ones fall flat, like the cool looking sauna sequence that is undone by some awful fake Bob Dylan music on the soundtrack.  Other odd scenes, like the extended foot massage and the part where the Wife and the Lover fuck fully clothed in the shower just plain don’t work.  

The first half is basically a skin flick.  (The Wife must do it like six times straight with the Lover.  How can the Husband ever expect to compete with THAT?)  Things switch over to horror at the halfway point with the Wife having to deal with not only her murderous husband, but also a pair of scummy thieves who literally drop in on her.  After dabbling in home invasion horror, it then turns into a crime flick in the closing minutes, wrapping things up with a completely unsatisfying and abrupt ending.  

Midnight Intruders is only an hour long, but despite the brief running time, there are long scenes that ramble on needlessly.  (I’m thinking specifically of the shooting up scene accompanied by annoying distorted fuzztone guitar.)  The awfully dubbed dialogue is sometimes good for a laugh, and the title sequence is kinda freaky too, so it’s not all bad.

AKA:  The Wife.

THE 31 MOVIES OF HORROR-WEEN: MOVIE #7: THE LAST SECT (2006) **

(Streamed via Cinehouse)

Tone (Jordan Van Dyck) finds video evidence on the “Vampire Web” that vampires still exist.  He shows it to his boss, Van Helsing (David Carradine), and they make plans to stake the vampire vixens responsible.  Meanwhile, a reporter named Sydney (Natalie Brown) is working on a story about an online dating service called “Artemis”.  Lonely and looking for love, she becomes a member, unaware the website is owned by the queen of the vampires (Deborah Odell), who happens to have her sights set on the mousy Sydney.  

The constant use of on-screen titles to establish the locations get annoying really fast.  It doesn’t help that the font is similar to that garish grungy white lettering that was used for those anti-piracy “You Wouldn’t Steal a Car, So Don’t Pirate Movies” PSAs that appeared on DVDs in the early 2000s.  What’s worse is that the lettering is jittery and hops around at the bottom of the screen, which is really unnecessary.  

The Last Sect could’ve worked, but it almost seems as repressed as its heroine.  Just when it looks like it’s going to loosen up a little bit and allow the characters to engage in romantic lesbian vampire sex and/or softcore bondage, the camera coyly pans away and/or cuts to another scene entirely.

Carradine hams it up nicely, which is appreciated.  His offbeat energy helps to makes his scenes worthwhile, even when all he gets to do is rattle off a bunch of exposition.  Too bad he’s confined to his apartment for the nearly the entire running time and delegates a morose mortician looking motherfucker to kill most of the vampires for him.  The stuff with Brown falling under Odell’s spell isn’t nearly as involving, although it isn’t out and out bad or anything.  I just wish the movie allowed them to get past first base.  Even if the film had the benefit of some lesbian vampire T & A, The Last Sect still wouldn’t have been a winner, but it would’ve at least had a reason to exist.

AKA:  Van Helsing 2.