TUBI CONTINUED… CHICKBOXER (1992) * ½

You know you’re in trouble from the opening credits sequence which is nothing more than a five-minute scene of a woman (presumably star Julie Anne Suscinski) lacing up her shoes and tying them.  That’s right, we can’t just watch her tie her shoes, we have to watch her lace them up too!  I know low budget filmmakers have to find creative ways to pad their films out (this one is only an hour long), but this is fucking ridiculous.  (The film is further padded out with gratuitous scenes of Suscinski narrating the action from her living room as she relates her life story to the audience.)  

Kathy (Suscinski) is a nerdy girl who wants to be like the star of her favorite TV show, Chickboxer.  Against everyone’s better judgment, she signs up for a karate class.  Meanwhile, bad guys have been blackmailing the mayor in order to set up a criminal empire and take over the city.  When Kathy learns her karate teacher is in cahoots with the villains, she reaches out to the star of Chickboxer (Michelle Bauer, the only real star in the movie) for help.  When she blows Kathy off, she takes it upon herself to bring the bad guys down herself.  

Chickboxer kind of reminded me of a mash-up of Robot Ninja and Fright Night, minus the gore of the former and the fun of the latter.  The general idea is fine, but the execution is sorely lacking.  The big problem is that it feels like it’s missing an entire act.  There needed to be more scenes of Kathy honing her kickboxing skills in order to defeat the bad guys believably.  As it is, she just decides in the last ten minutes to take them out.  Up till then, there hadn’t been much action, and the action we do get in the finale is painfully lackluster, even for a shot-on-video production.  

Bauer is the lone bright spot.  Too bad she isn’t in it enough to make much of an impression as it’s more of an extended cameo than anything.  She does get a good sex scene at the end, but it’s too little too late to save the movie.  If she was front and center the whole time kicking ass (as the misleading thumbnail suggests), we might’ve had a winner.  (I did like the scene where Suscinski trains by watching Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, though.)

Well, 28 days in February and 28 movies watched on Tubi.  I began the year with 365 movies in my Tubi watchlist.  At the start of this month, I had 441 movies in my Tubi watchlist.  At the end of the month, I had 435.  Some progress is being made.  Will I be able to clear out my watchlist before December 31st?  Keep reading!

TUBI CONTINUED… CHEAP THRILLS: THOSE DRIVE-IN HORROR FLICKS (2022) ***

I’m a sucker for a good horror compilation.  While I personally prefer horror trailer collections as opposed to clip packages, they still can hit the spot when I’m in a pinch.  Cheap Thrills:  Those Drive-In Horror Flicks is one of the good ones.  

SEE:  Rock monsters attack astronauts in Missile to the Moon, zombies menace Duane Jones in Night of the Living Dead, Vincent Price squares off against vampires in The Last Man on Earth, a pregnant man pleads for the life of a parrot monster in Night of the Blood Beast, Frankenstein’s Daughter proves she’s a chip off the old block, a spider man stalks chorus girls in Horrors of Spider Island, The Wasp Woman shows us what the buzz is all about, The Brain That Wouldn’t Die won’t shut up, George Zucco commands The Mummy’s Hand, Creature from the Haunted Sea gets more laughs than screams, we take a visit to the home of The Beast from Haunted Cave, witness The Attack of the Giant Leeches, see a fisherman become a hot lunch for The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues, The Killer Shrews attack James Best, Vincent Price invites us to The House on Haunted Hill, The Screaming Skull loses its head, The Snake Woman shows off her charms, the Ymir rampages in 20 Million Miles to Earth, Killers from Space talk poor Peter Graves to death, Soledad Miranda investigates the Sound of Horror, Jonathan Haze feeds Audrey Jr. in The Little Shop of Horrors, and MORE!  MUCH MORE!

Overall, Cheap Thrills:  Those Drive-In Horror Flicks offers up a good mix of (mostly) public domain titles, along with a healthy dose of ‘50s cheese, and even a few Universal titles.  There really aren’t as many horror compilations like this on Tubi as you might think, which is kind of a shame.  I hope they add more of these things in the near future.

TUBI CONTINUED… MOURNING WIFE (2001) ***

Mamoru (Yoshikata Matsuki) owns a printing press business with his wife Tomiko (Mayuko Sasaki).  When an accident kills his mother and leaves him paralyzed, it threatens to close the shop down.  Desperate to keep the business up and running, Tomiko hires a drifter named Ryuzo (Keisaku Kimura) to help run the printing press.  It doesn’t take long for the two to start knocking the boots.  Their happiness is eventually threatened when Mamoru finds out the two have been making time behind his back.  Naturally, Ryuzo has been harboring a dark secret, but his secrets pale in comparison next to the ones Tomiko’s been hiding.

From the early scene where Sasaki spills her mother in-law’s ashes and masturbates with her remains, you know Mourning Wife is going to be a little different than the rest.  Allegedly a remake of The Postman Always Rings Twice, director Daisuke Goto resists the temptation to take the material down the usual pathways.  (I mean, was there a masturbating with skull fragments scene in the old John Garfield movie?)  While it still plays by the rules of classic film noir, the film has fun poking at the confines of the genre.  It explores unique angles within the love triangle dynamic and introduces new wrinkles into their relationships that your average noir thriller just would not explore (like Sasaki’s previous affair with a lesbian doctor).  

Mourning Wife is just a little different at every corner to keep you on your toes.  The only place it really disappoints is the ending.  (Although, quite honestly, the movie would’ve been hard pressed to top the masturbating with your mother in-law’s remains scene.)  While it still follows in the grand noir tradition where everyone gets what’s coming to them, it’s ultimately far too abrupt and unsatisfying to really pack its intended wallop.  Other than that oversight, it remains a solid, sexy, and unusual thriller.  

AKA:  An Affair with a Woman in Mourning.  

TUBI CONTINUED… UNCLE’S PARADISE (2006) ** ½

Takeshi (Shiro Shimomoto) is a weird old guy who gets kicked out of the house and goes to stay with his nephew Harou (Mutsuo Yoshioka).  Uncle Takeshi is suffering from a strange form of narcolepsy, which gives him terrible, erotic nightmares.  Whenever he rises from an unexpected slumber, he wakes up with a raging boner and a case of the hornies.  Trouble brews when he begins seeing the woman of his dreams/nightmares while he’s awake.  That doesn’t sound like a bad thing until you realize she’s a zombie.  

Uncle’s Paradise is an odd Japanese “Pink” movie.  The first half almost feels like a Japanese version of a quirky American indie flick, with occasional sex scenes sprinkled about.  The characters all have bizarre character quirks and at the same time are kind of endearing and likeable.  

Things get really weird though in the second half.  The shift in tone is a little jarring to say the least.  Still, there’s plenty of wild shit here.  I’m not saying it works or anything, but any Japanese sex flick that includes attacks from giant squids, big-ass spiders, and venomous snakes (it bites a guy right in the dick after he accidentally cums on it) is going to at the very least skate by with a ** ½ rating.  That’s not even taking into consideration the zombie girlfriend or the crazy finale, which takes place in what can only be described as a brothel for the damned.  

Sure, Uncle’s Paradise hits as much as it misses.  Another debit is the fact that the sex scenes are rather brief.  The ending is certainly unique enough to make up for some of its missteps along the way.  Despite its uneven nature, any movie in which a guy cums on a snake is going to pass with a marginal recommendation in my book. 

AKA:  Mighty Extreme Woman.

COCAINE BEAR (2023) ** ½

Syd (Ray Liotta in his final role) is a drug dealer who loses a shit ton of cocaine in the middle of the wilderness.  A bear eats a mess of it and pretty soon, it starts mauling people left and right.  When her daughter is abducted by the bear, a concerned mother (Keri Russell) must do whatever it takes to get her back.

A movie about a bear high on cocaine seems like a can’t miss proposition.  Somehow, director Elizabeth Banks manages to miss just as much as she connects.  I will say that when Cocaine Bear hits the sweet spot, it’s a damned good time.  However, every time the film manages to hit a… er… high, it’s usually short-lived.  

The problem is the inconsistent tone, which often changes from scene to scene.  Reactions to the Cocaine Bear alternate from, “Ha, ha, that bear is high on cocaine” to “Aww, look how cute that bear is on cocaine” to “RUN!  THAT FUCKING BEAR IS HIGH ON COCAINE!”  Had the movie been comprised of mainly the latter reaction, it could’ve been a party.  

Banks never decides how to approach the film.  Parts feel like a foulmouthed version of a ‘90s Amblin movie.  Other parts feel like a Coen Brothers crime comedy.  The best parts feel like a SYFY Channel (or maybe even a Tubi) Original.  That is to say, the bear attack scenes.

Even then, the bear attack scenes are uneven.  There’s nothing here that manages to reach the heights of Grizzly.  Heck, there’s nothing here that manages to reach the heights of Grizzly 2!

Banks does give us one terrific sequence that almost (but not quite) makes up for the lapses elsewhere in the film.  It comes when the bear takes off in pursuit of a speeding ambulance.  There are some gruesome moments and fun action beats to be had here.  It’s just a shame Banks couldn’t pepper the rest of the film with the same kind of kinetic kick.  

The cast is also a mixed bag.  Alden Ehrenreich is great as the drug dealer with a conscience.  He’s had the misfortune of starring in a couple of box office misfires, so maybe this flick will help put him back on the map.  O’Shea Jackson Jr. is pretty good too as his partner in crime and Margo Martindale is fun as a trigger-happy park ranger.  Although it was nice seeing Liotta one last time, he isn’t given a whole lot to do.  Russell in particular is left out to dry essaying the generic mom role.  

Overall, Cocaine Bear is fun in fits and starts.  Most of the time, it feels like Banks is holding back as the gore isn’t quite as nasty as it could’ve been, given the premise.  Hopefully, somewhere down the road we’ll get a release that’s totally, ahem, uncut.

FRANCO FEBRUARY/TUBI CONTINUED… CROSSOVER: DOWNTOWN HEAT (1994) * ½

Maria (Josephine Chaplin) is a cop looking for the man who murdered her husband.  Tony (Steve Parkman) is a jazz musician searching for his girlfriend’s killer.  They learn the same man, a Mob boss named Don Miguel (Craig Hill) is responsible.  Maria and Tony team up with a tough American cop (Mike Connors from Mannix) to bring the Don down.  They even stoop to the gangster’s level by kidnapping his daughter and forcing him to play hardball.  

Downtown Heat finds Jess Franco working a bit out of his comfort zone.  He’s not the world’s greatest action director, so he’s not really the best man to helm a generic cop thriller.  In other hands, it might’ve worked, but then again, the action, plot, and drama are so dull that it makes it hard to care either way.  Maybe if Jess tossed in some of his patented sleaziness, we might’ve had a winner.  Still, it’s hard to say if anything could’ve saved this slow-moving bore.

The movie does momentarily come to life in the third act when the cops realize the only way they can catch the bad guy is to stop playing by the rules.  This blurring of morality is interesting, but it occurs too late in the game for the message to have its intended impact.  While this part of the film is mildly entertaining, it’s not nearly enough to salvage the dreary first two acts.  

Connors is top billed, but he doesn’t even show up until about the halfway mark.  Even if he is a little long in the tooth for a role like this, he at least seems to be having fun.  Lina Romay injects the movie with a little spark as a punk rock gang leader who turns her back on her fellow druggies to help the cops.  Naturally, it doesn’t end well for her.  It’s a shame Romay wasn’t in it more because when she’s on screen, Downtown Heat does have a little bit of sizzle.  

As for touches only Franco could bring to a motion picture, he gives us yet again his trademark lazy camera zooms.  This is also another Franco movie (like Death Whistles the Blues) where one of the characters is a jazz musician, and there’s a jazz performance to pad out the running time.  And like Commando Mengele:  “Angel of Death” and Esmerelda Bay, everything ends with a big helicopter explosion.  As for Franco repeat offenders in front of the camera, we have Romay, Hill, and Robert Foster all popping up yet again. 

FRANCO FEBRUARY: THE HOUSE OF LOST WOMEN (1983) *** ½

A family lives alone on an island like a horny version of the Swiss Family Robinson.  Father (Robert Foster) is a former actor hiding from the spotlight.  Since they are all alone on the island, there is nothing for them to do except masturbate and fuck.  Mother (Carmen Carrion) is a pent-up dominatrix who whips her daughters, Desdemona (Lina Romay) and the mentally challenged Paulova (Susanna Kerr) whenever they get out of line.  The dynamic on the island soon changes when a poacher (Tony Skios) shows up and lights a fire in the ladies’ panties.  

The first fifteen minutes of Jess Franco’s The House of Lost Women is fantastic.  First, Lina walks around the beach naked.  Then, she comes home and starts playing with herself.  Next, she lights a cigarette and smokes it with her pussy.  Finally, she fucks a bowling trophy.  

No wonder Jess Franco took one look at her and thought, “Marriage material.”   

Other everyday household objects that are used as masturbatory materials:  Decapitated doll heads and sliced oranges.  I guess if you’ve been alone on an island for twenty years, you’re bound to try just about anything once.  

Now, the first fifteen minutes may be some of the greatest shit Jess ever committed to celluloid, but the rest is a little on the uneven side.  While there is no doubt some good shit here (like the scene where Carrion goes to town on Kerr with a bullwhip), it still lacks the charm and thrill of the first reel or so.  The film also loses a little spark once Skios enters the fray.  That said, there is plenty here to enjoy.  I mean Lina Romay smokes a cigarette with her pussy.  What more can one ask for?

Of the Franco signatures, there are of course, many lazy camera zooms and pans, several of which occur during a gorgeous sunset.  His penchant for shooting Romay in the nude (half his filmography is devoted to it) crops up again as well as his use of a traditional family dynamic being shown as a hotbed for perversion and sadism (see also Sinfonia Erotica and countless others).  As for his stock players, Romay and Foster are frequent Franco flyers, Carrion was in The Sexual Story of O, Kerr also appeared in Black Boots Leather Whip, and Skios was in Franco’s Sex is Crazy.

AKA:  Perversion on the Lost Island.