TUBI CONTINUED… CHICKBOXER (1992) * ½

You know you’re in trouble from the opening credits sequence which is nothing more than a five-minute scene of a woman (presumably star Julie Anne Suscinski) lacing up her shoes and tying them.  That’s right, we can’t just watch her tie her shoes, we have to watch her lace them up too!  I know low budget filmmakers have to find creative ways to pad their films out (this one is only an hour long), but this is fucking ridiculous.  (The film is further padded out with gratuitous scenes of Suscinski narrating the action from her living room as she relates her life story to the audience.)  

Kathy (Suscinski) is a nerdy girl who wants to be like the star of her favorite TV show, Chickboxer.  Against everyone’s better judgment, she signs up for a karate class.  Meanwhile, bad guys have been blackmailing the mayor in order to set up a criminal empire and take over the city.  When Kathy learns her karate teacher is in cahoots with the villains, she reaches out to the star of Chickboxer (Michelle Bauer, the only real star in the movie) for help.  When she blows Kathy off, she takes it upon herself to bring the bad guys down herself.  

Chickboxer kind of reminded me of a mash-up of Robot Ninja and Fright Night, minus the gore of the former and the fun of the latter.  The general idea is fine, but the execution is sorely lacking.  The big problem is that it feels like it’s missing an entire act.  There needed to be more scenes of Kathy honing her kickboxing skills in order to defeat the bad guys believably.  As it is, she just decides in the last ten minutes to take them out.  Up till then, there hadn’t been much action, and the action we do get in the finale is painfully lackluster, even for a shot-on-video production.  

Bauer is the lone bright spot.  Too bad she isn’t in it enough to make much of an impression as it’s more of an extended cameo than anything.  She does get a good sex scene at the end, but it’s too little too late to save the movie.  If she was front and center the whole time kicking ass (as the misleading thumbnail suggests), we might’ve had a winner.  (I did like the scene where Suscinski trains by watching Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout, though.)

Well, 28 days in February and 28 movies watched on Tubi.  I began the year with 365 movies in my Tubi watchlist.  At the start of this month, I had 441 movies in my Tubi watchlist.  At the end of the month, I had 435.  Some progress is being made.  Will I be able to clear out my watchlist before December 31st?  Keep reading!