TUBI CONTINUED… SHARKENSTEIN (2016) ** ½

During WWII, a mad scientist following in the footsteps of Frankenstein tries to create his own creature.  The Nazis interfere with his experiment, kill him, and steal the monster’s heart and brain.  Flash forward to the present day where a giant shark under the control of a mad scientist is eating swimmers and fishermen in a small resort town.  Three friends wind up being pawns in his elaborate scheme and have to band together to stop the evil Sharkenstein.

Ah yes, it’s Mark Polonia once again at the helm of another crappy CGI shark movie.  This time though, the shark is kind of amusing and not without charm.  It has a bunch of surgical scars and stitching, looks fake as hell, and has a fin laced with oversized staples.  Whenever it rises out of the water in pursuit of dinner, it definitely cuts a memorable image.  The shark is also good for a laugh any time it leaps out of the ocean to eat someone.

Sure, Sharkenstein is not great, but there was a minute-long stretch there where the shark jumped out of the water, got struck by lightning, and turned into what looked like a dime store version of a King Shark action figure from Suicide Squad that had me howling with laughter.  Folks, these are the kind of moments I live for.

The acting has never been a strong suit in a Polonia movie, but I found Greta Volkova to be pretty good as the sexy nerdy leading lady.  I haven’t seen her in anything else but since she’s apparently in a lot of Polonia flicks, I’m sure I’ll see her again soon.  Polonia, naturally, gave himself a small role as a mute boat captain.

Also, since I watched this back-to-back with Shark Encounters of the Third Kind, I got a kick out of seeing how the ever-thrifty Polonia stole lots of the beach, boating, and swimming footage from this film.

TUBI CONTINUED… SHARK ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND (2020) **

Shark Encounters of the Third Kind kicks off with a pretty funny pre-credits scene where a diver and a sexy gal in a bikini become victims of a shitty-looking CGI shark.  Then, the plot begins.  An alien spacecraft lands on the bottom of the ocean near a seaside community almost exclusively inhabited by people who claim to have been abducted by UFOs.  The aliens have returned to Earth for some unfinished business and use sharks to protect their ship from detection.  

Or something like that.  None of this makes much sense, to be honest.  It’s almost as if the filmmakers started making an alien movie and got halfway through and decided, “What the hell?  Let’s toss some sharks in there!”  

If you can’t already tell, this is another Polonia Brothers jam.  It’s an odd mix of nutty premise and inconsistent execution.  Some of the green-screened effects are laughable, while others aren’t too shabby.  The alien masks are pretty good, but the CGI UFO ship is cheesy, and not exactly in a good way.  The shark effects are likewise all over the map.  Some of the shots are passable and others are incompetent.  The rubber shark used for the inserts and close-ups isn’t very convincing either.  I will admit the effects in the scene where our hero dispatches a shark with a flare gun are pretty damned funny though.

When the action switches to dry land, things are just as inconsistent, if not more. Much of the human interaction feels forced and phony, but some of the random ass shit, like the crazy cat lady who… uh… marks her territory every time she buries a dead cat is somewhat amusing.  Heck, some parts even manage to be moderately effective, like when a swimmer narrowly escapes the jaws of a shark and makes her way to shore… only to be confronted by aliens and driven back into the shark-infested sea.  I also sort of dug the Fire in the Sky-inspired flashbacks/nightmares. 

As far as Mark Polonia movies go, Shark Encounters of the Third Kind is far from his worst, but there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

TUBI CONTINUED… SUBSPECIES 5: BLOODRISE (2023) * ½

Subspecies 5:  Bloodrise is a belated and unnecessary prequel that explains how the villainous Radu (Anders Hove) became a vampire.  Like most Subspecies movies, the opening is the best part.  This scene features a nasty old vampire giving birth to a deformed baby who looks like a close cousin to the Freddy baby from A Nightmare on Elm Street 5.  The half-vampire infant is then whisked away by the church and given medieval plastic surgery so it will pass for human and when it gets older, they train him to become a vampire slayer.

While hunting vampires in a decrepit castle, the now-grown Radu liberates a sexy woman (Denice Duff) and her son against the urging of his sidekick, Marius (Petar Arsic).  Naturally, she repays his kind act by biting him and turning him into a vampire.  Radu then trains himself in the dark arts to get revenge.

From there, the already-thin story becomes more episodic and uneven as it wears on.  The subplot about Radu turning two musicians into his vampire servants feels like it came from an entirely different movie.  Either that, or a couple of episodes of a re-edited and repackaged TV show.  The wrap-up is really convenient too.

Denice Duff, who might be part vampire as she looks the same as she did in the last Subspecies twenty years ago, gives a better performance than the movie deserves.  It’s obvious she’s the best thing about it as the Duff-less passages are easily the weakest part.  Hove is ho-hum as Radu.  I never really liked him as the villain and he’s not much better when he’s playing hero in the early scenes.  To make matters worse, he’s not very engaging once he becomes full-fledged vampire.

If I’m being perfectly honest, I’ve never been a real Subspecies fan in general.  Part 2 was OK, I guess, but the rest were interchangeable and forgettable.  While this one is at the very least watchable, I can’t say for sure how much of it I will remember about it a month from now.  Or, heck, even a week from now.

At least some of the cheesy dialogue (such as “Get your vile hands off my flute!”) are good for a sporadic laugh or two.

AKA:  Subspecies 5:  Blood Rise.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 35: BOOTY CAMP 3D (2021) *** ½

Booty Camp 3D is the third entry in the “Booty Camp” subseries of the Lingerie Fighting Championships.  Sadly, it’s not in 3D.  If only.  Then again, that might be for the best.  My heart might not be able to take LFC fighters performing booty bombs that land right in my lap.  Ah, but what a way to go, right?

Anyway, the first fight is between Sheena “The Hungarian Hurricane” Bathory and “Sinister” Shay Lynn.  Next up is Veronica “The VP” Payne taking on newcomer Lauren “The Adventuress” Ceccarelli.  Then we have Teri “Feisty Fists” London going toe to toe with Jojo “The Hammer” Hamner.  Veronica Valentine (the older sister of Jenny “Bloody” Valentine) locks horns with Bella Ink in the next match.  That’s followed by Lauren “The Animal” Fogle battling MJ “The Dominator” Domino.  Bella “Rebel Princess” Madisyn brawls with Bella Rockafella after that.  Finally, the main event is a Mexican wrestling themed “Lucha Lingerie” match with La Scorpia duking it out with Vulcana for the vacant Booty Camp title.

As far as the matches go, Bathory and Lynn’s brawl is a slobber knocker of the highest order featuring punishing punches, brutal body slams, and wondrous wardrobe malfunctions.  The match between Payne and Ceccarelli is a non-stop back-and-forth affair where advantages are won and lost in the blink of an eye.  Though Hamner is appearing in her first fight, she looks quite promising, especially when she delivers a move which can only be described as “The Banana Split of Death”.  Ink mops the floor with the newcomer Valentine and looks damned good doing it.  Fogle also has no trouble with her newbie opponent, but the match is still entertaining thanks to some wardrobe malfunctions and playful post-fight patter.  Madisyn/Rockafella is a seesaw battle that culminates in an excruciating submission maneuver.  The “Lucha Lingerie” fight is an amusing novelty, although I’m not sure if it was quite “main event” worthy.  In fact, this is the rare LFC event where the opening match might be the best of the bunch.

Of course, the ladies are as luscious as ever.  Bathory cuts an unforgettable image in her metal spiked biker jacket.  Payne looks hot in her sexy striped nylons.  Hamner makes quite the entrance tossing her crimson locks to and fro.  Valentine is a vision in her lacy red lingerie, and Madisyn turns heads in her tight gold bikini.

Booty Camp 3D runs on a little longer than most LFC events.  That’s due to some extracurricular activities, such as Coach Hater getting his birthday cake shoved in his face by Coach Audrey.  The post-main event drama involving the unmasking of La Scorpia protracts things as well.  And, if I’m being completely honest, feels a little scripted too.  However. that doesn’t detract much from the overall fun factor.

Since it takes place on Halloween, some of the fighters appear in costumes.  Ceccarelli dresses up like a witch (a sexy one at that), London appears as a sexy Mrs. Claus, Ink comes trotting to the ring dressed like a sexy cowgirl (but looks even better when she strips down to her undies and pasties), Fogle shows up in a sexy Little Red Riding Hood outfit, and Rockafella walks out as some sort of dominatrix bunny bank robber with a pet gimp.  You’ve got to give her points for originality at least.  The ladies’ Lucha Libre attire is pretty cool too.

In short, even though it may not be in “real” 3D, Lingerie Fighting Championships 35:  Booty Camp 3D is an eye-popping affair.

MOONAGE DAYDREAM (2022) **

David Bowie famously borrowed “the cut-up method” from William S. Burrows, in which he would write something, cut up all the words, separate them, and then put them back together in a different order.  It seems like director Brett (The Kid Stays in the Picture) Morgen did the same thing with this half-assed Bowie “documentary”.  I put documentary in quotations because it’s more of a tribute than an out-and-out biographical doc.

Most of the time, Morgen gives us lots of concert footage of Bowie randomly spliced together with interviews, soundbites, and quotes.  Along the way, there are also scenes from silent movies, ‘50s Sci-Fi flicks, old newsreel footage, and clips from… uh… Johnny Mnemonic?!?  All of this is interspersed mostly at random, and none of it really highlights or underscores what’s going on during a particular scene.  It’s as if Morgen fed a bunch of clips into an Uno Attack game, which spit out the footage at random.

While it’s kinda told in chronological order, it also doubles back and flashes ahead several times too.  Some of this can be a little jarring or even a bit irritating.  It’s telling that the most straightforward narrative sequence (Bowie’s year in Berlin) is the most effective, and it shows that Morgan’s fractured technique is flawed at best.  Also, some of the footage is oddly repeated (like the stuff with Bowie on the neon escalators) for no real good reason.

It's a shame too, because there is some good footage here.  I just wish Morgen let the footage do all the talking instead of interjecting random shit in there every twenty seconds.  I guess if you did some drugs, you could put it on and zone out.  Unfortunately, us straightedge folks are left with nothing to hang our hats on, except for some good tunes.  Then again, if we wanted that, we could just throw on a record and be content.  As a movie, it’s a frustrating experience to say the least.

TUBI CONTINUED… LINGERIE FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS 34: UNITED WE STAND (2021) ****

The Lingerie Fighting Championships wrap up their three-night event at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally with United We Stand.  If you thought these ladies were just hot babes in lingerie well… they are… but they are also highly skilled competitive athletes with lots of endurance.  Not many men could fight three fights in three nights in the hot summer sun.  Many of these ladies did just that and looked damned good doing it.

First up is Brooke “The Guillotine” Gilley vs. Bella Ink.  The second bout is between Jenny “Bloody” Valentine and Mai “Death Proof” Richards.  Next, we have Agatha “Cannibal” Carter squaring off against Daisy “Doomsday” Ducati.  Then, it’s Teri “Feisty Fists” London duking it out with Mia “Mayhem” Annabella.  Lauren “The Animal” Fogle is next on the card as she takes on Sarah “The Beast” Brooke.  That’s followed by Gypsy “Gigi” Mac going toe to toe with Crystal White.  Then the stage is set for the LFC European Champ, Jolene “The Valkyrie” Hexx to take on LFC champ Shay “The Fox” Mazzato for the belt.

As always, the ladies are a feast for the eyes.  Ink sparkles quite literally in her spangly war paint.  Valentine causes jaws to drop in her Daisy Duke-inspired wardrobe.  Ducati is smoking (literally) while entering the ring in her skimpy yellow outfit.  London is a vision in her lacy black lingerie.  The Beast is a real beauty in her sheer blue bra-and-panty combo.  White is an absolute bombshell in her sheer black nightie that has a sexy strategically placed seam. And Hexx once again shows off her staggering good looks in her skimpy pink outfit.

The action in the Gilley/Ink kerfuffle goes in and out of the ring ending with Bella putting the Guillotine in a move that I for one would happily volunteer to be pinned in any day of the week.  The Valentine and Richards brawl earns high marks for its creative use of dreadlocks as a deadly weapon.  The match between Carter and Ducati is relatively short, but it packs an amazing amount of carnage in a small amount of time as there are spankings, smothering, scissoring, booty bombs, and wardrobe malfunctions aplenty.  (And that’s before the match erupts into chaos with coaches, refs, and even “The Prez” Holly Mai getting into the fracas.)  The London/Annabella brawl finds the battling bombshells besieged by a bonanza of booty bombs and butt bites. (That is to say, it’s awesome.)  The Fogle and Burke rematch is yet another exquisite display of motorboating mayhem and heinie dining.  The Mac and White mixer is a solid back-and-forth affair.  The main event makes for the perfect capper on the evening as Hexx shows why she is the premier ass kicker (and trash talker) in the league.

In short, United We Stand will have you standing at attention (in more ways than one).

TUBI CONTINUED… AMITYVILLE DEATH TOILET (2023) ½ *

A toilet is murdering people in Amityville.  The mayor (Roy Englebrecht) is worried that the toilet will ruin the town’s tourist trade, so he hires an internet paranormal investigator (Isaac Golub) to kill it.  After spending way too much time filming the other areas of the house, he finally confronts the killer crapper.

If you go into Amityville Death Toilet hoping for a lot of toilet humor, you’re going to be… ahem… shit out of luck.  That was kind of the problem.  A movie called “Amityville Death Toilet” comes with a certain set of (admittedly low) expectations.  If you can’t exceed or even meet them, then what’s the goddamned point?  What humor we do get is rather painful.  (You know, in keeping with the spirit of the flick, I should probably keep this review as humor-free as possible.  So, moving forward I will refrain from making any more toilet-related barbs like, “The movie went into the crapper in record time”, or “Amityville?  More like ‘Am-Shitty-Ville!”)

The acting is even worse than the lack of humor.  Essentially there are only three actors.  One is the ghost hunter who films himself.  The other is the mayor who spends half the movie on the phone.  Making matters worse is the fact that everything was improvised, so much of the dialogue is unnecessarily repeated again and again.  It often feels like they used every take and spliced it all together; jump cuts be damned.  In fact, I think if the director just used the actors saying their lines only once, the movie would’ve been a good twenty minutes shorter.

The scenes of the paranormal investigator are the worst.  Not only does he keep repeating himself, he also doesn’t seem to know how to keep the camera still.  It’s a wonder he has any subscribers at all for his shitty internet show.  I also thought it was funny that he’s using an iPhone to film everything, but when they show his footage, it has the display of an old camcorder, including the little tape symbol in the corner.

There’s also the weird ending where everything from birds to zombies to dinosaurs (?!!) are superimposed over the action.  What it all is supposed to mean, I’m not sure.  Maybe it means I should stop watching every single damned Amityville movie that pops up on Tubi.

The OK death scenes offer the only worthwhile moments.  The toilet uses a meat cleaver to kill one guy, shoots another dude who’s wearing a Pink Flamingos Christmas sweater, and chops up another.  (Actually, it’s all the same guy wearing different outfits and wigs.)  The gore features hands, fingers, and feet cut off, but the effects are bad on purpose.  (I think.)  I mean, I don’t think anyone was going to take a movie called Amityville Death Toilet seriously but come on.  You have to do a little better than a toilet wielding a knife that’s obviously aluminum foil wrapped over a piece of pointy cardboard.  I know the budget was low, but at least spring for a rubber knife.  Or heck, use a real one.

While the majority of the film is humor-free, I did get a big laugh from one line:  “This commode has overstepped its earthly bounds!”  Ironically, it’s the only line of dialogue that no one bothers to repeat.