A toilet is murdering people in Amityville. The mayor (Roy Englebrecht) is worried that the toilet will ruin the town’s tourist trade, so he hires an internet paranormal investigator (Isaac Golub) to kill it. After spending way too much time filming the other areas of the house, he finally confronts the killer crapper.
If you go into Amityville Death Toilet hoping for a lot of toilet humor, you’re going to be… ahem… shit out of luck. That was kind of the problem. A movie called “Amityville Death Toilet” comes with a certain set of (admittedly low) expectations. If you can’t exceed or even meet them, then what’s the goddamned point? What humor we do get is rather painful. (You know, in keeping with the spirit of the flick, I should probably keep this review as humor-free as possible. So, moving forward I will refrain from making any more toilet-related barbs like, “The movie went into the crapper in record time”, or “Amityville? More like ‘Am-Shitty-Ville!”)
The acting is even worse than the lack of humor. Essentially there are only three actors. One is the ghost hunter who films himself. The other is the mayor who spends half the movie on the phone. Making matters worse is the fact that everything was improvised, so much of the dialogue is unnecessarily repeated again and again. It often feels like they used every take and spliced it all together; jump cuts be damned. In fact, I think if the director just used the actors saying their lines only once, the movie would’ve been a good twenty minutes shorter.
The scenes of the paranormal investigator are the worst. Not only does he keep repeating himself, he also doesn’t seem to know how to keep the camera still. It’s a wonder he has any subscribers at all for his shitty internet show. I also thought it was funny that he’s using an iPhone to film everything, but when they show his footage, it has the display of an old camcorder, including the little tape symbol in the corner.
There’s also the weird ending where everything from birds to zombies to dinosaurs (?!!) are superimposed over the action. What it all is supposed to mean, I’m not sure. Maybe it means I should stop watching every single damned Amityville movie that pops up on Tubi.
The OK death scenes offer the only worthwhile moments. The toilet uses a meat cleaver to kill one guy, shoots another dude who’s wearing a Pink Flamingos Christmas sweater, and chops up another. (Actually, it’s all the same guy wearing different outfits and wigs.) The gore features hands, fingers, and feet cut off, but the effects are bad on purpose. (I think.) I mean, I don’t think anyone was going to take a movie called Amityville Death Toilet seriously but come on. You have to do a little better than a toilet wielding a knife that’s obviously aluminum foil wrapped over a piece of pointy cardboard. I know the budget was low, but at least spring for a rubber knife. Or heck, use a real one.
While the majority of the film is humor-free, I did get a big laugh from one line: “This commode has overstepped its earthly bounds!” Ironically, it’s the only line of dialogue that no one bothers to repeat.
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