THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BURIAL GROUND MASSACRE (2021) *

Burial Ground Massacre begins with Michael Madsen spouting a lot of Native American mumbo jumbo.  Then, a killer in a Native American mask runs around killing big-breasted women using tomahawks and bows and arrows.  Right then and there I thought we had a winner on our hands.  Sadly, it all goes downhill after that. 

A rich kid named Chase (Blaise Serra) lives in a manor nestled on an Indian burial ground that doubles as a Native American museum.  When his parents go out of town, he invites a bunch of friends over for a party.  Little does he know the psycho in the mask comes to the museum looking for a Native American ring with supposed magic powers, and he’s all too ready to kill anyone who stands in his way. 

Even though Madsen is top-billed, he more or less just voices the killer.  If you’re familiar with his ever-expanding frame, seeing his voice coming out of a scrawny guy in a mask looks and sounds ridiculous.  When Madsen finally takes the mask off and assumes the role in the end, his physique isn’t even close to what it looked like in the rest of the movie, which is kind of funny.  I guess that would amount to something if there were more unintentional laughs throughout the picture.  

Mostly, it’s just a bore.  It doesn’t help that Serra does a lot of shitty magic tricks, which eat up a lot of the running time.  This sort of thing might be okay, if it’s Terror Train and the magician in question is actually played by a real magician like David Copperfield.  As it is, these scenes are pretty painful to sit through.

Yes, this is another one of those hundred-minute-long slashers.  There’s just no justification for the overlength.  Other than the kills in the opening minutes, the murder scenes elsewhere in the picture are weak.  I mean, how can make a horror movie where there’s a bowling alley in the main character’s home and then not give us a scene where a head winds up in the ball return?  I’d ask for a refund if Tubi wasn’t free.

The film also takes a really weird turn in the last twenty minutes.  I’m not sure if they ran out of money or what.  It’s like they tried to leave things open for a sequel and it somehow went sideways.  Or maybe it was part of a partially filmed, but abandoned sequel.  Or maybe the first hour and twenty minutes were a pilot of a TV show that never got picked up, and the final minutes were just all the series’ cliffhangers that got tacked on at the end.  Or maybe it’s just a bunch of shit that was thrown in to piss the audience off.  Either way, it all amounts to a big waste of time. 

I will say the film is a good showcase for actress Chelsea Vale.  She reminded me a little bit of Audrina from The Hills and equips herself nicely in the Final Girl role.  She also produced this sucker, so she’s a double threat in front and behind the camera.  I wouldn’t mind watching her in something again.  I just hope her new projects are an improvement over this.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: THE BUNNYMAN MASSACRE (2014) * ½

The Bunnyman Massacre opens with a guy in a dingy bunny suit murdering a school bus full of children.  Isn’t that lovely?  Fortunately, he quickly pivots to killing big-breasted campers who are busy fornicating in the woods.  That’s shit’s more my speed.

These victims serve a purpose.  You see, the Bunnyman (Joshua Lang) kills people and then gives the bodies to his pal Joe (David Scott), a redneck who runs a grungy general store.  Joe, in turn, uses the flesh from the victims as the main ingredient for his homemade beef jerky.  When Joe kidnaps two sisters, the potential victims strike a bargain with their captors.  They’ll provide them with more jerky fodder if Joe and Bunnyman let them go. 

The Bunnyman Massacre isn’t exactly terrible, but the sheer overlength (one-hundred-and-four minutes) definitely takes a lot of wind out of the movie’s sails.  If the editor lost all the fast-motion shots of the moon and sun rising and setting (not to mention whittled down all the long walking scenes), this could’ve clocked in at eighty-nine (or heck, seventy-nine) minutes.  I’m not saying it would’ve saved the picture.  I’m just saying it would’ve got me onto watching my next shitty movie with the word “Massacre” in the title a whole lot quicker.

I will say the Bunnyman cuts a memorable image.  He looks like a hard-drinking version of Bugs Bunny.  Or maybe a mall Easter Bunny on meth.  It’s just a shame that Joe, a thoroughly generic redneck slasher if there ever was one, does much of the heavy lifting.  I did like the dinner scene between the two of them that kind of showed their day-in-the-life routine though. 

Look, I know characters are supposed to make stupid choices in horror movies, but these characters make some of the dumbest decisions I’ve seen in a long time.  Then again, if they made smart decisions, I wouldn’t have been able to talk about the gore.  Well, that isn’t exactly great either.  The only original death scene is when a girl’s eyeball is bored out with a drill press.  Other scenes blatantly rip off the sleeping bag kill from Friday the 13th Part 7 and the barrel sequence in Two Thousand Maniacs.  While some of this is appropriately bloody, I must admit I could’ve done without all the CGI blood splatters. 

Incidentally, this is a sequel to 2011’s Bunnyman (which I haven’t seen), which would explain the flashback scene. 

AKA:  The Bunnyman Resurrection.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: THE BUCKS COUNTY MASSACRE (2010) NO STARS

A group of friends gather at a house in the woods to celebrate their pal’s 25th birthday.  (He looks more like he’s 45.)  During the party, one of the girls wanders into the woods and disappears.  Her friends head out looking for her with video cameras in tow and discover there’s something in the forest that’s very hungry. 

The Bucks County Massacre is another tiring entry in the Found Footage sweepstakes.  According to the opening crawl, the footage is property of the Bucks County Police Department.  If it’s supposedly “evidence”, then why end the crawl with blood dripping down the camera?  And why add in a musical score?  And why are there random slow-motion shots?   And if this has been edited from the footage after the fact, why keep in the long scene of the annoying guy playing on the guitar?  Speaking of guitars, if the cops were using the video as evidence to find the killer, would you really keep the scenes of the partygoers playing Guitar Hero?  Or singing for what feels like forever into the camera?  And I know you have every right to film the police, but is it really necessary to keep the camera on the old cop’s crotch for minutes at a time?

Most of the partygoers are annoying to begin with.  They get even more abrasive as the night goes on and they become drunker and drunker.  Once the girl disappears, they start screaming at each other and get increasingly belligerent.  If this truly was a piece of police evidence, I would say my main suspect would be the cameraman because if it were me, I’d snap if I had to spend one more minute with these characters.  One thing is for sure:  After they saw the tape, no jury on Earth would convict me. 

This has got to be one of the worst movies the Found Footage genre has to offer.  It’s full of amateurish performers yelling at the top of their lungs, nauseating lime green night-vision, and scenes of people watching scenes we’ve already seen.  I’m not a drinking man, but if one was inclined to play a drinking game while watching The Bucks County Massacre and took a shot of their favorite libation every time someone yelled, “Rob!”, they would be (mercifully) dead of alcohol poisoning by the halfway point. 

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BEACH MASSACRE AT KILL DEVIL HILLS (2017) *

Stacy (Taya Parker) brings her gals pals up to her beach house for a girls’ weekend.  They are surprised to find her sister is already there shooting a horror movie.  While they make the best of the situation, her psycho ex-husband (Ryan Izay) gets released from prison and comes looking for her. 

The best thing I can say about Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills is that it features a good amount of mid-tier low budget Scream Queens doing their thing.  Elissa Dowling, Sarah French, Dawna Lee Heising, and Diana Prince (AKA:  Darcy the Mail Girl from Joe Bob Briggs) are all present and accounted for.  Unfortunately, the movie never takes full advantage of their talents.  The only one who comes close to being utilized properly is Prince, whose nude scenes are either obscured by a stupid shower door or cut to ribbons by the editor.  I’m not saying more nudity could’ve saved this shit show, but it could’ve made it go down a little smoother. 

At ninety-nine minutes, it’s also way too long.  The film suffers from long driving scenes, black and white domestic violence flashbacks, and Lifetime Movie of the Week scenes of women talking about abusive relationships.  What’s worse is that no one gets killed until the hour mark.  Until then, it’s like being stuck at a beach house with people you can’t stand.  

Beach Massacre at Kill Devil Hills is also hampered by some wonky editing too.  There are jump cuts here that are so severe I momentarily thought the internet was cutting out on my smart TV.  We also have to suffer through inexplicable slow-motion scenes, dramatic scenes where the music drowns out the dialogue (which might not be a problem, depending on how you look at it), and scenes that are repeated.  I swear, the editor must’ve had narcolepsy or something.  In fact, it often feels like you’re watching an assembly cut of all the footage that was shot as some scenes run on forever, while others are filled with more random jump cuts than your average influencer video on Instagram. 

Also, at the risk of spoiling things, it almost seemed like overkill having two separate sets of killers.  “Overkill” is usually a good thing in a movie with the word “Massacre” in the title, but that’s unfortunately not the case here.  One duo or the other would’ve sufficed.  Either that or have one pair of killers go after the characters and send the other duo after the editor.

AKA:  You Found Me.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: BABYSITTER MASSACRE (2013) ****

A babysitter is brutally murdered on Halloween night.  Seven years later, the killer returns and begins picking off members of her babysitter club one by one.  After each murder, he texts pictures of the victims to Angela (Erin R. Ryan) who is holding a babysitter reunion/Halloween party.  The killer eventually comes for Angela and her friends, and the tough-talking survivor of the group, Bianca (Marylee Osborne) is all-too ready to kick his ass.

While you’re watching Babysitter Massacre, one thing becomes crystal clear:  Director Henrique Couto knows how to make a movie.  Or at least a slasher movie.  (You can tell he knows what he’s doing when one of the characters namedrops Sorority House Massacre… 2.)  He gives us long scenes of hot naked women bathing before they are abducted, tortured, and killed, which is the sign of any good slasher director.  Not one to rest on his laurels, Couto also peppers the film with dramatic dialogue scenes, which give his actresses an opportunity to not only showcase their bodies, but their acting range as well.  It’s a nice and balanced… shall we say… tit for tat.

Couto delivers a particularly amazing sequence where an enormously chesty curvy nerd dumps a bag of Halloween candy all over her nude body as an act of seduction that is like some Criterion Collection level of filmmaking.  There’s also a scene where the babysitters find a mysterious package on their porch, bring it inside, and open it up… only to discover… It’s full of lingerie!  Then, the plot stops dead in its tracks so each lady can disrobe, try on lingerie, and model it for their friends.  Eat your heart out, Orson Welles!

The casting director deserved some kind of award too.  None of the actresses are below a C-cup.  If they ever start remaking Russ Meyer movies, Couto would be near the top of my the wish list.

Couto was also responsible for some great dialogue too, like, “Hold onto your britches, bitches!”

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: AFTER SCHOOL MASSACRE (2014) ** ½

A girl commits suicide at a slumber party after her boyfriend breaks up with her. Unfazed by the ordeal, the girls plan another sleepover the next night without her (obviously). Meanwhile, a young, disgruntled teacher loses his job, snaps, and kills the principal.  He then sets his sights to slaughter the sexy students at the sleepover.

After School Massacre wears its inspiration on its sleeve, which is always appreciated.  It has a distinct ‘80s vibe as it’s essentially a homage to Slumber Party Massacre.  In terms of skin, we get a few sex, shower, and Truth or Dare scenes, but they’re all rather brief, and end before they can gather up much momentum.  Even though the running time is a mercifully short seventy-three minutes, there’s a long, unnecessary dream scene that seems like it’s only there to pad things out.  

Thankfully, it moves at a brisk pace and sports a decent body count.  The kills aren’t particularly graphic, but writer/director Jared (Deadly Punkettes) Masters has a few novel moments in store for the audience.  The memorable death scenes include a girl being drowned while bobbing for apples, another girl having her throat slit by an electric carving knife, and slumber partygoer getting a red-hot curling iron shoved down her throat.  The film also contains a death by mailbox sequence, which is something that I can honestly say I’ve never seen before.  So, bravo for that.  Probably the best moment though is the funny title sequence where all the credits appear as notes being passed back and forth between high school girls in class.

The cast is solid for the most part.  Danika Galindo, Lindsay Lamb, and Mindy Robinson all fair well playing the slumber party partakers.  It’s Dawna Lee (Amityville Clownhouse) Heising though who gets the best moments as the floozy mother who foolishly leaves the teens alone for the night.

AKA:  Teacher’s Day.  AKA:  A Teacher’s Day Massacre.

THE 31 DAYS OF TUBI-WEEN: PLAY DEAD (2009) ** ½

It’s inevitable when I do one of these 31 Days of Horror-Ween deals that I wind up watching something that looks like a horror movie and sounds like a horror movie but turns out to be only marginally horror related.  Such is the case with Play Dead.  It’s loaded with black comedy and has a dark edge to it, but it’s not exactly a horror flick.  Then again, after the one-two punch of Grotesque and Brutal, I needed something a little more lightweight.  Okay, maybe “lightweight” isn’t the right word here.  “Gory” was probably the word I was looking for.

An old man perpetually lets a poor young cobbler borrow money.  When he’s unable to pay his debts off in a timely manner, the old man takes it upon himself to make time with the cobbler’s wife as collateral.  In order to duck her obligations, she pretends to be dead.  At the funeral, the old timer takes the grieving husband out for some sake and suggests leaving two of his buddies behind to watch over her “corpse”.  That’s when their necrophiliac tendencies start to come out.  Naturally, she’s forced to play dead in order to keep up the charade.

The set-up is ripe with possibilities, but the filmmakers kind of go overboard with the comedy at some junctures.  I guess that makes sense, since some of the subject matter is so cringey.  I mean it’s basically a bedroom farce with some (presumed) necrophilia.  The two chuckleheads that molest what they think is a corpse are played much too broadly to get any real laughs though, and the Zatoichi impersonator is kind of an odd third act addition to the mix.  

Then again, I’m not sure there was a sure-fire way to play any of this.  If they went the horror route, it might’ve been too bleak and/or depressing.  If they went any further with the comedy, it would’ve just been… weird.  

The good news is after everything is conveniently wrapped up, the husband and wife get back together and have a lengthy, steamy, and erotic love scene.  It’s a nice reward for the audience for sitting through so much sketchy/questionable canoodling early on in the picture.  It’s just a shame that it took so long for Play Dead to come to life.