Burial Ground Massacre begins with Michael Madsen spouting a lot of Native American mumbo jumbo. Then, a killer in a Native American mask runs around killing big-breasted women using tomahawks and bows and arrows. Right then and there I thought we had a winner on our hands. Sadly, it all goes downhill after that.
A rich kid named Chase (Blaise Serra) lives in a manor nestled on an Indian burial ground that doubles as a Native American museum. When his parents go out of town, he invites a bunch of friends over for a party. Little does he know the psycho in the mask comes to the museum looking for a Native American ring with supposed magic powers, and he’s all too ready to kill anyone who stands in his way.
Even though Madsen is top-billed, he more or less just voices the killer. If you’re familiar with his ever-expanding frame, seeing his voice coming out of a scrawny guy in a mask looks and sounds ridiculous. When Madsen finally takes the mask off and assumes the role in the end, his physique isn’t even close to what it looked like in the rest of the movie, which is kind of funny. I guess that would amount to something if there were more unintentional laughs throughout the picture.
Mostly, it’s just a bore. It doesn’t help that Serra does a lot of shitty magic tricks, which eat up a lot of the running time. This sort of thing might be okay, if it’s Terror Train and the magician in question is actually played by a real magician like David Copperfield. As it is, these scenes are pretty painful to sit through.
Yes, this is another one of those hundred-minute-long slashers. There’s just no justification for the overlength. Other than the kills in the opening minutes, the murder scenes elsewhere in the picture are weak. I mean, how can make a horror movie where there’s a bowling alley in the main character’s home and then not give us a scene where a head winds up in the ball return? I’d ask for a refund if Tubi wasn’t free.
The film also takes a really weird turn in the last twenty minutes. I’m not sure if they ran out of money or what. It’s like they tried to leave things open for a sequel and it somehow went sideways. Or maybe it was part of a partially filmed, but abandoned sequel. Or maybe the first hour and twenty minutes were a pilot of a TV show that never got picked up, and the final minutes were just all the series’ cliffhangers that got tacked on at the end. Or maybe it’s just a bunch of shit that was thrown in to piss the audience off. Either way, it all amounts to a big waste of time.
I will say the film is a good showcase for actress Chelsea Vale. She reminded me a little bit of Audrina from The Hills and equips herself nicely in the Final Girl role. She also produced this sucker, so she’s a double threat in front and behind the camera. I wouldn’t mind watching her in something again. I just hope her new projects are an improvement over this.
I thought this one was OK.
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