CHILDREN OF THE CORN (2023) *

Nearly two decades after helming Ultraviolet, Hollywood has finally let Kurt Wimmer out of Director Jail for this eleventh (and second reboot) Children of the Corn flick.  (Or… twelve of you count the short film, Disciple of the Crow.)  Now that I’ve seen it, I have to wonder how long Hollywood will put him away for this time. 

Well. the GMOs were SUPPOSED to make the corn grow in a small Nebraska town.  However, the crops started dying and now the adults have no choice but to bulldoze it all down.  This pisses off the kids in town because as we all know… children LOVE corn.  They soon turn evil and get revenge on those pesky adults.

I guess the commentary here is that the kids are trying to save their town (planet) by offing the adults who have screwed up the place for the next generation.  I mean, why else would you make the main Corn Kid look like Greta Thunberg?  However, it’s handled so lazily and clumsily that I had to wonder if I was reading into something that wasn’t even intended to be there in the first place. 

Watching this, you would never know it was from the guy who made the classic Equilibrium.  From the looks of things, any old DTV hack could’ve cobbled this together.  The gore is shitty too (the eyeball scene is fucking terrible) and the new He Who Walks (nee Behind the Rows) looks like a shitty CGI corn husk version of Groot.  The only good bit is a brief clip from the “It’s a Good Life” episode of The Twilight Zone playing on TV. 

How they got eleven movies out of an eleven-page story, I’ll never know.  There are so many unfilmed stories in Stephen King’s bibliography, and yet they keep cranking Corny Kid movies out.  Then again, whenever they make a new one, I watch them.  So, maybe I’m part of the problem.

I’d love to say that after eleven times, they finally got it right, but… Aw, shucks.  Is this ever bad.  It’s not even good in a corny way.  I mean there was a kernel of a good idea here, but it never popped.  In fact, I… (It was at this point in the review the Children of the Corn stealthily grabbed their farm implements, carefully snuck behind your faithful movie reviewer and murdered him for making too many bad corn puns.)

AQUAMAN AND THE LOST KINGDOM (2023) ***

Black Manta (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II) finds the “Black Trident” that possesses him with an ancient evil and gives him enhanced powers.  He then goes around stealing precious resources from the sea that help him build an army.  Consequently, his actions cause global warming to rapidly accelerate, and it’s up to Aquaman (Jason Momoa) to stop him.  Of course, he’s gonna need all the help he can get, so he breaks his warlord brother Ocean Master (Patrick Wilson) out of prison to lend him a hand. 

The opening scene of Aquaman trying to balance fatherhood and being King of Atlantis is fun.  Think Mr. Mom for the superhero era.  There are other amusing bits along the way.  There’s a nifty desert prison breakout scene and a silly encounter with a Jabba the Hutt-inspired gangster fish (who was apparently played by Martin Short?!?) in an underwater pirates’ den.  The most effective stretch is when it turns into a buddy movie as Momoa and Wilson outrun giant insects on a jungle island. 

Director James (Saw) Wan isn’t afraid to let his horror roots show.  There’s a tentacle attack reminiscent of Deep Rising, sound effects stolen from Jaws and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, and costumes straight out of Mario Bava’s Planet of the Vampires.  Like most of these things, it’s a little derivative (it uses the same plot as X-Men 2 where the hero is forced to make an alliance with the villain of the first movie), runs on too long, and doesn’t know when to throw in the towel.  That said, it’s hard to dislike any superhero flick where Nicole Kidman rides a robot shark or Dolph Lundgren argues with a crab man.  With this being the last film of the “DC Extended Universe” and Warner Brothers completely rebooting its big-screen comic book franchises, it’s almost a given we won’t see shit like this in the new DC Era.  And frankly, that kind of makes me a little sad. 

DC EXTENDED UNIVERSE RANKING:  

Batman v Superman:  Dawn of Justice: ****

Man of Steel:  ****

The Flash: *** ½ 

Aquaman:  *** ½

Wonder Woman:  *** ½

Justice League:  *** ½

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom:  ***

Shazam!:  ***

Suicide Squad:  ***

The Suicide Squad:  ** ½ 

Blue Beetle: ** ½ 

Black Adam:  **

Shazam!  Fury of the Gods:  **

WW84:  * ½ 

Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn):  * ½ 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DANGEROUS OBSESSION (1986) ***

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OPPENHEIMER (2023) ****

I know a lot of you have been wondering, “Where are the nominations for the 17th Annual Video Vacuum Awards?”  Well, I have been slacking, yes that’s true, but I also wanted to squeeze in a few more new-to-me 2023 films before I lock in the nominations.  Trust me, I should have the nominations out before that OTHER awards show hits airwaves.

One of the films I wanted to catch up with was Oppenheimer, Christopher Nolan’s tale of the modern-day Prometheus, Robert Oppenheimer (Cillian Murphy), who along with the brightest minds in the scientific community built the first A-Bomb in Los Alamos, New Mexico.  Later, the government used his political leanings and left-wing associations against him during the war on Communism to drag his name through the mud.  And he kind of let them, mostly as a way of making up for his part in creating the bomb. 

Nolan’s film is a masterclass in efficiency.  Even though it’s three hours long, it feels much shorter (how many times do you hear me say THAT?) as it barrels along at a breakneck pace.  Which is fitting, as America is in a race to make the bomb before Germany.  It’s stunning how Nolan condenses and compresses each scene to only the most vital information to get you to the next sequence.  Even though much of the dialogue is dense and is full of quantum physics jargon, the performers all convey it all to the audience in a manner that gets the point across, even if you flunked physics in high school. 

Nolan goes back and forth between time periods from the creation of the bomb to its aftermath to the interrogation of Oppenheimer.  Like a good novel, it’s totally immersive and absorbing.  If it was told in a linear fashion, it wouldn’t have hit as hard. 

The performances from the all-star cast are uniformly great from top to bottom.  Murphy is particularly captivating as the dogged Oppenheimer, who rushed against time to make the bomb, and then is crushed when he sees what he’s created.  Florence Pugh has a small but memorable turn as his mistress, Emily Blunt is excellent as his long-suffering wife, and even the usually bland Josh Hartnett is quite good as Oppenheimer’s colleague.  Robert Downey, Jr. is terrific as Oppenheimer’s superior, who is so wounded by not being his intellectual equal that he sets out to take him down a peg.  Matt Damon is equally fine too as the general sent to wrangle Oppenheimer. 

What more can I say?  This movie is the bomb, yo.

MADAME WEB (2024) **

Madame Web has been memed to death, bashed by critics, trashed by its stars, and dragged on social media.  I initially wasn’t going to see it in theaters, but then I started reading stuff like “it makes Morbius look like Citizen Kane”, and I knew I had to check it out.  Sadly, it’s not the spectacularly bad cheese fest I was hoping for.  Instead, it’s just a stunningly mediocre affair.  Bad movie fans hoping for a trainwreck will be disappointed to learn it’s only a minor fender bender. 

Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson) is a snarky EMT who discovers she can peer into the future after having a near-death experience.  It seems that a sinister dude with spiderlike powers (Tahar Rahim) has it in for three young girls and it falls on Cassie to be their reluctant protector.  Predictably, she learns this Spider-Man wannabe also killed her mother, so now it’s payback time. 

If I was making a short list of great Spider-Man villains, I don’t think Madame Web would crack my Top 50.  It just goes to show how desperate Sony is to make that Marvel movie money.  They must feel that the character is crappy too, since this is an origin story, and she doesn’t remotely resemble her comics counterpart till the very end. 

The problem with Madame Web (the movie) is that it has a decent story, but it’s not one that’s ideal for a superhero flick.  It’s more like Final Destination meets Next as Cassie’s visions allow her to stay one step ahead of the bad guy while occasionally giving her a glimpse of other people’s deaths.  It’s the sort of thing that might’ve been an OK standalone film, but being shoehorned into the superhero genre to cash in on that Spider-Man money doesn’t do it any favors. 

The fact that the three girls who are prominently showcased in their superhero outfits in the trailers and promotional material only (SPOILER) appear briefly in visions and dreams is especially infuriating.  I mean why would you cast a ripe tomato like Sydney Sweeney and put her into a form-fitting Spider-Babe outfit and only show her in costume for seventeen whole seconds?  Luckily, her bookworm look throughout the film is still sexy as Hell and got my Spidey Senses tingling, if you know what I mean. 

As for the rest of the cast, Johnson gets by from looking aloof and slightly embarrassed.  Rahim is bland and forgettable, Adam Scott is poorly used as Johnson’s coworker who has strong ties to Spider-Man, and Emma Roberts is given absolutely nothing to do. 

Maybe the problem was hiring S.J. Clarkson, a director only known for TV work.  That’s probably why this looks like one of those Marvel shows instead of a big-screen adaptation.  Clarkson does an OK job on the premonition sequences, but the action is weak, and the finale feels rushed and cheap. 

I guess Madame Web is notable for taking place in 2003, which was around the same time when a lot of the B-List Marvel flicks started being released.  If anything, it will make you wistful for the likes of Elektra and Blade:  Trinity. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE GUNMAN (2004) **

FORMAT:  DVD

A rash of kidnappings and child murders wreak havoc on Austin, Texas.  A masked vigilante takes matters into his own hands and starts cleaning up the streets by going around and blowing away pedophiles and sex offenders.  Widowed cop Sean Patrick (The Boondock Saints) Flanery is on the case but gets saddled with a rookie partner (Chasing Amy’s Joey Lauren Adams), which cramps his style.  Since Flanery’s wife was slain by the killer, one question remains:  Will he catch the vigilante, or will he leave him alone to do his thing?

The Gunman comes to us from Daniel Millican, the same director of our last Let’s Get Physical movie, Striking Range.  It even features two of the same cast members, Tom Wright as Flanery’s captain and Jeff Speakman as a self-defense instructor.  (Boy, I thought Speakman was wasted in Striking Range, but he is given zilch to do here.)  We also have Mimi Rogers as Flanery’s kid’s godmother.  Add in Young Indiana Jones, and you have yourself a pretty decent cast.

While Striking Range was lightweight and fun, The Gunman is heavy-handed and leaden.  It doesn’t help that it contains some difficult subject matter for what is for all intents and purposes, a standard issue police procedural thriller.  (The synopsis on the back of the DVD sleeve sets it up to be another bland thriller and mentions nothing about child murderers and pedophiles.)  I commend Millican and his team for trying to tackle mature themes inside the context of a typical potboiler, but that doesn’t mean it works.  The fact that the identity of the vigilante is predictable (it’s one of those “the least likely suspect is the killer” deals) doesn’t do it any favors.  Plus, there are long stretches that feel like a Lifetime Movie.  Maybe it could’ve survived these obstacles, but the wuss rock soundtrack is the straw that broke the camel’s back.  Imagine Nickelback… but worse.   

AKA:  A Promise Kept.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: STRIKING RANGE (2006) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Lou Diamond Phillips stars as the head of a team of mercenaries who are hired to protect a billionaire whose unstable scientist son just invented a newfangled laser beam.  Naturally, bad dudes led by Jeff Speakman want to get their hands on it too.  Complicating matters is the sudden appearance of a pesky Ninja who seems hellbent on sabotaging the mission.

Lou was pretty good in this.  Maybe not up to snuff with his hilarious turn in The Big Hit but he definitely brought personality and humor to what otherwise could’ve been a generic role.  (The scene where he nonchalantly realizes he’s on fire was kind of funny.)  I also liked the banter between Lou and his right-hand man Tom Wright while on the job.  It felt loose and casual; like it could’ve been spoken by a couple of dudes at the water cooler in an office or while toting guns on a mission. 

I was a little worried at the outset as the opening action scene had some unnecessary shaky-cam, which was more or less the norm in the early aughts.  Fortunately, that all died down as the movie progressed.  We also get a really chintzy title sequence made to look like a computer dossier filled with whistles and screeches like they were still running on dial-up.  Not to mention the really lame bullet time effects.  (I did kind of like the cheesy CGI death at the end though.)

In addition to Phillips, we have Yancy (Hard Target) Butler who isn’t too shabby as his ex who is less than thrilled to be working with him again.  Speakman is kind of reserved (both in terms of performance and his Kung Fu skills), but he gets some funny lines.  Wright lends solid support as well. 

Writer/director Daniel Millican brings a little flair to the proceedings.  The little touches of humor bode well too.  It’s just a shame that the middle section (set in an office building) really drags.  The plot twist involving the mysterious motorcycle-riding Ninja wasn’t really necessary either.  However, for every bit that didn’t click, there was something amusing or entertaining, so it wasn’t a bad trade off.