TOP TEN OF 2023

Now that I've finally posted the winners of the Video Vacuum Awards, I can finally reveal my Top Ten Films of the Year:

 Top Ten Best Movies 

1. Creed III 

2. M3GAN 

3. Godzilla Minus One 

4. Oppenheimer 

5. Poor Things 

6. Thanksgiving 

7. Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion 

8. The Equalizer 3 

9. Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One 

10. Fast X 

Runner-Up:  Priscilla 

Bottom Five Worst Movies

1. Bikini Hackers 

2. Cocaine Shark 

3. Savage Vengeance 

4. Amityville Death Toilet

5. 1962 Halloween Massacre 

THE 17TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…

Wow, can you believe I have been handing out these awards for SEVENTEEN years and not one single recipient has ever bothered to come and claim them?  Anyway, I can’t worry about that now.  I have even more useless awards to hand out to people who will never pick them up.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Best Sequel/Prequel

And the nominees are…

Creed III

The Equalizer 3

Godzilla Minus One

Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion

Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One

And the winner is… Creed III!

Worst Sequel

And the nominees are…

Amor Emanuelle

Evil Dead Rise

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

Doll Killer 3:  Audra’s Revenge

Subspecies 5:  Bloodrise

And the loser is… Evil Dead Rise!

Best Sci-Fi Movie

And the nominees are…

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

The Marvels

Murderbot

Poor Things

Shin Ultraman

And the winner is… Poor Things!

Best Horror Movie

And the nominees are…

Godzilla Minus One

M3GAN

The Nun II

Pillow Party Massacre

Thanksgiving

And the winner is… M3GAN!

Worst Horror Movie

And the nominees are… 

Amityville Death Toilet

Cocaine Cougar

Cocaine Shark

1962 Halloween Massacre

Savage Vengeance

And the loser is… Cocaine Shark!

Best Horror Sequel

And the nominees are… 

Axegrinder 666

The Exorcist:  Believer

Godzilla Minus One

The Nun II

Pet Sematary:  Bloodlines

And the winner is… Godzilla Minus One!

Worst Horror Sequel

And the nominees are…

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

CarousH3LL

Doll Killer 3:  Audra’s Revenge

Evil Dead Rise

Subspecies 5:  Bloodrise

And the loser is… Evil Dead Rise!

Best Comic Book Movie

And the nominees are…

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom

The Flash

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

The Marvels

Spider-Man:  Across the Spider-Verse

And the winner is… The Flash!

Best Action Movie

And the nominees are…

Creed III

The Equalizer 3

Fast X

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One

And the winner is… Creed III!

Best Actor

And the nominees are…

Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Ryunosuke Kamiki in Godzilla Minus One

Jason Momoa in Fast X

Cillian Murphy in Oppenheimer

Mark Ruffalo in Poor Things

And the winner is… Cillian Murphy in Oppenheimer!

Best Actress

And the nominees are…

Emily Blunt in Oppenheimer

Taissa Farmiga in The Nun II

M3GAN in M3GAN

Cailee Spaeny in Priscilla

Emma Stone in Poor Things

And the winner is… Emma Stone in Poor Things!

Best Director

And the nominees are…

Gerard Johnstone for M3GAN

Michael B. Jordan for Creed III

Yorgos Lanthimos for Poor Things

Christopher Nolan for Oppenheimer

Takashi Yamasaki for Godzilla Minus One

And the winner is… Michael B. Jordan for Creed III!

Worst Picture

And the nominees are…

Amityville Death Toilet

Bikini Hackers

Cocaine Shark

1962 Halloween Massacre

Savage Vengeance

And the loser is… Bikini Hackers!

Best Picture

And the nominees are…

Creed III

Godzilla Minus One

M3GAN

Oppenheimer

Poor Things

And the winner is… Creed III!

Well, that’s all for this year, folks.  See you next year for more… stuff!

THE 17TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM TECHNICAL AWARDS

Okay, folks.  We’re quickly ramping up to the 17th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  While we anxiously await the results, let us first celebrate the 17th Annual Video Vacuum Technical Awards.  These of course, are the awards for movies that were found in categories so narrow that there often were only one or two choices.  Hence, they are technically the winner of that category.  So, let’s begin!

Worst Amityville Movie

Amityville Death Toilet

Runner-Up:  Amityville Emanuelle

Best Cocaine Animal Movie

Cocaine Bear

Worst Cocaine Animal Movie

Cocaine Shark

Runner-Up:  Cocaine Cougar

Worst Comic Book Movie

Shazam!  Fury of the Gods

Runner-Up:  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  Mutant Mayhem

Best Documentary

Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion

Runner-Up:  Albert Brooks:  Defending My Life

Best Drama

Oppenheimer

Runner-Up:  Priscilla

Best Dustin Ferguson Movie

Summerhouse Slaughter

Runner-Up:  Stale Popcorn and Sticky Floors

Worst Dustin Ferguson Movie

Cocaine Cougar

Runner-Up:  Big F*cking Snake

Worst Emanuelle Movie

Amor Emanuelle

Runner-Up:  Amityville Emanuelle

Best Exorcism Movie

Exorcist:  Believer

Worst Exorcism Movie

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown 

Best Family Movie

Fast X

Worst Horror Remake/Reboot

Savage Vengeance

Runner-Up:  Children of the Corn

Best Jason Statham Movie

Fast X

Runner-Up:  Expend4bles

Best Kids Movie

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Runner-Up:  Spider-Man:  Across the Spider-Verse

Worst Kids Movie

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  Mutant Mayhem

Best Killer Doll Movie

M3GAN

Worst Killer Doll Movie

Demon Doll from Hell

Runner-Up:  Doll Killer 3:  Audra’s Revenge

Best Non-Killer Doll Movie

Barbie

Worst Mark Polonia Movie

Cocaine Shark

Runner-Up:  Motorboat

Best Movie Based on a Toy

Barbie

Worst Movie Based on a Toy

Transformers:  Rise of the Beasts

Best Movie Based on a Trailer

Thanksgiving

Best Movie Based on a TV Show

The Equalizer 3

Runner-Up:  Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One

Worst Movie Based on a TV Show

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  Mutant Mayhem

Best Remake/Reboot

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Runner-Up:  Shin Ultraman

Worst Remake/Reboot

Savage Vengeance

Runner-Up:  Children of the Corn

Worst Sci-Fi Movie

Big F*cking Snake 

Runner-Up:  AIMEE:  The Visitor

Worst Sequel to a Sequel

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

Best 666 Sequel

Axegrinder 666

Worst 666 Sequel

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

Best Stephen King Movie

Pet Sematary:  Bloodlines

Worst Stephen King Movie

Children of the Corn

Best Vampire Movie

Parasite Lady

Best Video Game Movie

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

NARCOTIC (1933) **

Narcotic is director Dwain (Maniac) Esper’s anti-drug propaganda flick that rallies against the use of opium.  A doctor with a promising future is engaged to be married and spends his spare time volunteering at a free clinic.  He starts hanging out with his Chinese friend from college who recreationally visits opium dens and before long, he becomes a hopelessly addicted doper.  His wife figures out he’s an addict and tries to get him help.  After a successful stint in rehab, he becomes addicted once again after getting into a terrible car wreck.  Tragically, his life quickly spirals from there.

Lacking the jaw-dropping lunacy of Esper’s classic, Maniac or even the wild-eyed fun of the Esper-produced Reefer Madness, Narcotic is a tepid and routine affair.  I guess that has a lot to do with the presentation as we’re told upfront it’s a “case study”.  In another words, a factual account.  What made Esper’s other adults-only roadshow outings so much fun is that they were fire and brimstone scare pictures.  This one is more of a filmed manual about the dangers of addiction.  Whereas Maniac had nudity and gore and Reefer Madness had hilarious overacting, this one has boring speeches about addiction.  (To be fair, there may have been harsher scenes in its original release.  The editing is so choppy throughout that it’s conceivable that at some point there was a tawdrier version before the censors got ahold of it.)

Other than a brief birth of a baby scene and the guy in yellow face who smokes hookahs and spouts fortune cookie witticisms, Narcotic is curiously low on the WTF moments you hope for from a dated scare picture.   The closest it comes to matching the heights of Esper’s other works is the “dope party” scene near the end.  Even then, it’s more or less just a bunch of people hanging around and telling bad jokes, but the close-up of a needle going in the arm is rather graphic.  (The shots of the pothead’s uncontrolled giggling sort of portends the hilarity of Reefer Madness.)  The funniest part is when one partygoer says, “We’re gonna get lit!”  It’s nice to know that after nearly a hundred years some slang words never change. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TELL ME NO LIES (2001) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A serial killer is going around butchering a bevy of beautiful busty college coeds.  Amber Smith is a sexy DJ for a college radio call-in show whose sultry voice attracts the attention of the killer.  When he reveals on the air that he killed Amber’s sister, it naturally rattles her.  While the police drag their feet and come up with no leads, Amber sets out to take down the killer on her own terms. 

Smith makes quite an impression as she really commands the screen.  She has a sexy voice and is a natural fit behind the microphone.  She also looks great in her frequent nude scenes. 

Most of the sex scenes are gratuitous and would make a Mainline Releasing erotic thriller seem subtle and restrained by comparison.  That’s just a fancy way of saying they’re pretty darn good.  These sequences are well lit, have patient editing, and director Emmanuele Itier frames the scenes in such a way that he’s able to get the most out of the performers'… uh… assets.  The sex scenes also occur at a steady clip which also help to disguise the thin plot. 

Other than Amber’s impressive performance, the rest of the cast are sadly, more or less a washout.  Jason Ryan, who plays the main cop on the case especially looks ridiculous in his ill-fitting cowboy hat, especially considering that without it, he otherwise looks like a member of Sugar Ray.  His Texas accent sounds equally phony.  Thankfully, his goofy appearances don’t detract from the hot and heavy softcore action. 

The finale where Amber and her boyfriend are attacked by the killer is a lot less effective than the build-up to the confrontation.  This lengthy sequence also cuts into the nude scenes, which were previously occurring every five minutes.  The tepid climax aside, for the first hour or so, Tell Me No Lies is truthfully a great Skinamax thriller. 

Itier later went on to direct documentaries, many of which were narrated by none other than Sharon Stone!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHOTGUN (1989) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on April 11th, 2018)

There’s a psycho going around the city wearing a leather S & M mask and beating up hookers.  Two concerned cops, Jones (Stuart Chapin) and Billings (Riff Hutton) warn the ladies of the night to beware.  When Jones’ sister becomes the killer’s latest victim, he goes out for revenge.  He flies off the handle and winds up getting thrown off the force.  Jones ekes out a living as a bounty hunter and quickly gains the nickname “Shotgun” for his propensity for shooting people in the ass with a shotgun.

Shotgun is a chintzy, low-rent, but watchable cop thriller.  The sometimes-blurry cinematography gives it the look of a slightly higher budgeted homemade movie.  The amateurish performances (especially by Chapin) help add to the fact (and the fun).

The early scenes of the masked killer whipping hookers have a kick to them and gives you a good look at Hollywood Boulevard in the late ‘80s.  However, the tone is inconsistent.  It goes from comedy (like when Chapin and Hutton bust up a robbery in a bar) to prostitute beating a little crudely, which sometimes hampers it from truly taking off.

Shotgun suffers from a low budget, but the filmmakers wisely saved all their money for the final reel.  In the end, Chapin gets an old buddy to turn his truck into a tank equipped with a flamethrower.  They then head down to Mexico to take out the killer who's hiding in a fortress surrounded by armed goons.  This sequence has enough explosions, pyrotechnics, and shots of people being blown away and/or set on fire to qualify it as a minor classic. 

Chapin gets the best line of the movie when he tells an Internal Affairs officer:  “My partner and I were in a situation that probably would’ve given you Hershey Squirts!”

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: DEADLY TARGET (1994) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Gary Daniels stars in this moderately entertaining PM Entertainment actioner as a Hong Kong cop who is sent to Los Angeles to bring back the drug kingpin (Byron Mann) who killed his brother.  Naturally, the prisoner transfer goes awry and his quarry escapes.  Everyone tells Gary to go back home, but he sticks around and teams up with a karate-kicking LA cop (Ken McLeod) to get his man(n). 

Deadly Target was the one and only directorial effort from actress Charla Driver.  She handles the fight scenes competently enough for the most part, and while there’s nothing revolutionary here, it’s quite satisfying overall.  (Driver gives us the obligatory scene where there’s a shot of a conspicuously placed vase, and you just know it’s only a matter of time before it is smashed by a whirling leg kick in slow motion.)  The car chases and explosions are rather over the top too, which is the norm for a PM flick.  Unfortunately, Driver puts way too much concentration on the love story subplot between Daniels and a Chinese blackjack dealer (Susan Byun).  These scenes are okay, but they only add to the already lengthy ninety-nine-minute running time. 

The characters make so much about Gary being a cop from Hong Kong that it almost made me wonder if the script was originally supposed to star an Asian lead.  Either way, I guess it didn’t matter where he was from.  (Although I guess it would make sense for Gary to be English since Hong Kong was under British rule at the time.)  All that really matters is that he kicks a bunch of dudes in the face and shoots a bunch of drug dealers, which, of course, he does.  Because of that, I’d say Deadly Target is a reasonably enjoyable addition to Gary’s vast DTV filmography. 

AKA:  Fire Zone.  AKA:  Street War.