LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MARK OF THE DEVIL (1970) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

The ads said: “Positively the most horrifying film ever made!” Not really, but the film has many unsettling scenes of torture. It takes place during height of the Salem witch hunts. We get to see fingers cut off, tar and feathering, and witches burned at the stake. And that’s the first five minutes! 

Herbert (The Pink Panther movies) Lom comes to a small village and takes over as Head Witchfinder for Reggie (Salem’s Lot) Nalder. At first, he seems more reasonable than Nalder, but soon resorts to even worse tactics. Udo (Andy Warhol’s Dracula) Kier is Lom’s protégée, who’s in love with a sultry bar maid. When she spurns Nalder’s advances, he accuses her of being a witch and has her imprisoned. The townspeople revolt and in the downbeat ending, Lom (who we find out is impotent) escapes and the heroic Kier gets lynched. The original ending had all the murdered torture victims rising from the grave to get revenge, but the distributor hated it so much he burned the negative!

The graphic torture scenes include finger crushing, whippings, girls topless on the rack, bare asses on spikes, Chinese water torture, and in the film’s most famous scene, a girl’s tongue is ripped out. The film is at its best when showing this stuff in gory detail but is also effective at showing the hypocrisy of the witchfinders. Lucky as hell first run theater patrons got free Mark of the Devil Vomit Bags when they saw this in 1970. The first film “Rated V for VIOLENCE!”

AKA:  Witches are Tortured to Death.  AKA:  Austria 1700.  AKA:  Hexen.  AKA:  Burn, Witch, Burn.  AKA:  Satan.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

I’ve always thought of Mark of the Devil as Witchfinder General’s trashy cousin.  That film had class, style, and a terrific performance by Vincent Price.  This one is exploitative, grisly, and has Herbert Lom chewing the scenery.  Still, you’ve got to admire the way the film rubs the audience’s nose in the deprived excess.  The torture scenes still pack a punch (especially the justifiably famous tongue tipping scene), even if the stuff in between them is decidedly less than gripping. 

4K UHD NOTES:

This is another fine remastering by Vinegar Syndrome.  They cleaned it up nicely, but they left in just enough grain to make it look like you’re watching it at a drive-in.  The colors look especially great during the psychedelic swirling that occurs right before Lom’s assistant gets his eye gouged out.  Too bad it didn’t come with a commemorative barf bag.

IMAGINARY (2024) * ½

Blumhouse had a hit last year with a movie about a killer toy.  Of course, you all know the flick I’m talking about, the instant classic M3GAN.  Now, here they come again with another horror film about a killer toy.  Sadly, lightning didn’t strike twice with the tepid and forgettable Imaginary. 

You know, I thought it was going to be good for a while there, but it turned out that it was just my imagination. 

Jessica (DeWanda Wise) moves back into her childhood home with her blended family in tow.  Before long, her young stepdaughter Alice (Pyper Braun) finds an old teddy bear and names him Chauncey.  Naturally, we learn Chauncey is evil (or I should say, the characters learn as the audience knows what’s up from the start), and when he whisks her away to Imaginationland, it’s up to Jessica to rescue her. 

Imaginary is a limp hodgepodge of M3GAN, Child’s Play, A Nightmare on Elm Street 5, Beetlejuice, Insidious, and a Snuggles TV commercial.  Director Jeff (Kick-Ass 2) Wadlow seems to be more interested in ripping off other movies than fleshing out an original mythology of his own.  He does deliver one fun scene where Chauncey attacks a druggie neighbor, but it was already more or less shown in its entirety in the trailers.  The scenes in the MC Esher-inspired “Neverever” are especially derivative and drag like a sumbitch.  The gratuitous fake-out ending also adds unnecessarily to the already bloated running time.

The acting is crummy across the board.  Betty (Carrie) Buckley is particularly annoying as the nosy neighbor who spews an ungodly amount of exposition.  In fact, Chauncey himself is probably the best actor in the whole movie.  Even though he is mostly silent in his close-ups, his expressions speak volumes.  Too bad his final form looks like leftovers from Five Nights at Freddy’s.  Whenever Chauncey’s original form isn’t on screen, Imaginary is nearly unbearable. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: READY TO RIDE (1992) ** ½

FORMAT:  VHS

Penthouse Video was always slightly more risqué than the similarly themed Playboy tapes, if only because the models’ pubic regions were trimmed and/or bare so you could see glimpses of their genitalia.  In the age of internet porn this will all probably seem rather chaste.  However, if you were a teenage boy in the ‘90s (as I was). the Penthouse Video tapes were where it was at. 

The tape kicks off with previews for other Penthouse Videos such as Satin and Lace, Fast Cars Fantasy Women, and Passport to Paradise.  Then the main attraction begins.  It’s a collection of hit-and-miss motorcycle-themed vignettes of nude biker babes. 

The first one is called “Biker Chicks” (** ½), and it plays like a naughty rock video version of The Violent Years.  Three sexy biker babes roam the countryside, accosting and hogtying unsuspecting men (and women) before having their way with them.  The ladies all look great in this segment, but the MTV editing kinda prevents it from gathering up much steam. 

Next, we have “Satin and Lace” (** ½), a black and white sequence where a biker dude bangs Monique Gabrielle on the back of his motorcycle.  While this scene begins promisingly enough, there’s not a whole lot to it and it’s over before it really begins. 

“Bar Dance” (***) is a fun sequence where two hot blondes become bored by the dates, pop a quarter in the jukebox, and start stripping on the bar.  This one effectively straddles the line of fantasy and “Letters to Penthouse” style of straitlaced people having a wild encounter, although you have to wait till the very end to see how it fits into the overall biker theme. 

Then, a pre-porn, pre-tattoos Janine does a sexy dance in a studio on and around a motorcycle while clad in leather in “Locked in Leather” (** ½).  Like the first segment, this is little more than a rock video, but you know, with boobs. 

“Bikers and Guys” (**) is up next, and it’s a leisurely paced assortment of random scenes of girls (one of which is Julie Strain) slowly disrobing for the camera while a lazy blues guitar plays on the soundtrack.  Oh, and occasionally some guys on motorcycles ride by.  This scene just feels like filler and worse, looks like it may have been cobbled together from outtakes of a previous Penthouse video.  Even though it ends with Strain straddling a biker dude and dry humping him, it still isn’t all that entertaining or hot. 

After that, we have “Daydreaming (** ½) where a motorcycle mechanic has hallucinations of Julie K. Smith dressed (and undressed) as Marilyn Monroe.  Julie looks great here all done up as Marilyn, but there really isn’t a whole lot to this unusually short sequence. 

This is followed by yet another faux MTV rock video segment, “Fire and Water” (**) featuring more bosomy biker babes.  Again, it just feels like filler, and some of the footage was even recycled from previous segments. 

A hitchhiking hippie chick gets picked up by a biker who bangs her in the woods in “Flower Child” (**).  This segment is kind of tame and pretty lame, and the slow rock song on the soundtrack is awful. 

A morbidly obese biker stops reading Penthouse to play a rock cassette which summons Penthouse Pets out of thin air who then strip for him and his buddies in “Biker Gang” (** ½).  The Pets are hot, and there’s some good energy in this scene, but the fat grubby biker dudes are kind of hard to take. 

Julie K. Smith is back to do some “Solo Dancing” (****) in another rock video segment.  She has a lot of energy as she shimmies and shakes in front of a motorcycle.  I’m a big fan of Julie’s and this sequence gives you just about everything you could hope to see from her.  The close-ups of Smith ripping her mesh outfit and baring it all for the camera are particularly hot.  Although this segment is kind of short, it’s definitely the highlight of the tape. 

Julie Strain is the focus of the final segment, “Ready to Die” (**).  She entices the grubby bikers from the earlier segment, and they chase her on the highway with their bikes.  Once they finally catch up to her, she lets have their way with her.  Then, we find out it was all a dream!?!  HUH!?!  This one just goes on way too long, and not even the sexy allure of Julie can save this unsexy, meandering sequence. 

Ultimately, Ready to Ride might not be one of Penthouse’s best videos, but the fact that it features such soon to be porn luminaries such as Janine and Tiffany Mynx and B-Movie Queens like Julie Strain, Julie K. Smith, and Monique Gabrielle will make it well worth watching for their legions of fans. 

AKA:  Penthouse:  Ready to Ride.

TOP TEN OF 2023

Now that I've finally posted the winners of the Video Vacuum Awards, I can finally reveal my Top Ten Films of the Year:

 Top Ten Best Movies 

1. Creed III 

2. M3GAN 

3. Godzilla Minus One 

4. Oppenheimer 

5. Poor Things 

6. Thanksgiving 

7. Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion 

8. The Equalizer 3 

9. Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One 

10. Fast X 

Runner-Up:  Priscilla 

Bottom Five Worst Movies

1. Bikini Hackers 

2. Cocaine Shark 

3. Savage Vengeance 

4. Amityville Death Toilet

5. 1962 Halloween Massacre 

THE 17TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM AWARDS: AND THE WINNERS ARE…

Wow, can you believe I have been handing out these awards for SEVENTEEN years and not one single recipient has ever bothered to come and claim them?  Anyway, I can’t worry about that now.  I have even more useless awards to hand out to people who will never pick them up.  Let’s begin, shall we?

Best Sequel/Prequel

And the nominees are…

Creed III

The Equalizer 3

Godzilla Minus One

Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion

Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One

And the winner is… Creed III!

Worst Sequel

And the nominees are…

Amor Emanuelle

Evil Dead Rise

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

Doll Killer 3:  Audra’s Revenge

Subspecies 5:  Bloodrise

And the loser is… Evil Dead Rise!

Best Sci-Fi Movie

And the nominees are…

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

The Marvels

Murderbot

Poor Things

Shin Ultraman

And the winner is… Poor Things!

Best Horror Movie

And the nominees are…

Godzilla Minus One

M3GAN

The Nun II

Pillow Party Massacre

Thanksgiving

And the winner is… M3GAN!

Worst Horror Movie

And the nominees are… 

Amityville Death Toilet

Cocaine Cougar

Cocaine Shark

1962 Halloween Massacre

Savage Vengeance

And the loser is… Cocaine Shark!

Best Horror Sequel

And the nominees are… 

Axegrinder 666

The Exorcist:  Believer

Godzilla Minus One

The Nun II

Pet Sematary:  Bloodlines

And the winner is… Godzilla Minus One!

Worst Horror Sequel

And the nominees are…

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

CarousH3LL

Doll Killer 3:  Audra’s Revenge

Evil Dead Rise

Subspecies 5:  Bloodrise

And the loser is… Evil Dead Rise!

Best Comic Book Movie

And the nominees are…

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom

The Flash

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

The Marvels

Spider-Man:  Across the Spider-Verse

And the winner is… The Flash!

Best Action Movie

And the nominees are…

Creed III

The Equalizer 3

Fast X

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One

And the winner is… Creed III!

Best Actor

And the nominees are…

Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Ryunosuke Kamiki in Godzilla Minus One

Jason Momoa in Fast X

Cillian Murphy in Oppenheimer

Mark Ruffalo in Poor Things

And the winner is… Cillian Murphy in Oppenheimer!

Best Actress

And the nominees are…

Emily Blunt in Oppenheimer

Taissa Farmiga in The Nun II

M3GAN in M3GAN

Cailee Spaeny in Priscilla

Emma Stone in Poor Things

And the winner is… Emma Stone in Poor Things!

Best Director

And the nominees are…

Gerard Johnstone for M3GAN

Michael B. Jordan for Creed III

Yorgos Lanthimos for Poor Things

Christopher Nolan for Oppenheimer

Takashi Yamasaki for Godzilla Minus One

And the winner is… Michael B. Jordan for Creed III!

Worst Picture

And the nominees are…

Amityville Death Toilet

Bikini Hackers

Cocaine Shark

1962 Halloween Massacre

Savage Vengeance

And the loser is… Bikini Hackers!

Best Picture

And the nominees are…

Creed III

Godzilla Minus One

M3GAN

Oppenheimer

Poor Things

And the winner is… Creed III!

Well, that’s all for this year, folks.  See you next year for more… stuff!

THE 17TH ANNUAL VIDEO VACUUM TECHNICAL AWARDS

Okay, folks.  We’re quickly ramping up to the 17th Annual Video Vacuum Awards.  While we anxiously await the results, let us first celebrate the 17th Annual Video Vacuum Technical Awards.  These of course, are the awards for movies that were found in categories so narrow that there often were only one or two choices.  Hence, they are technically the winner of that category.  So, let’s begin!

Worst Amityville Movie

Amityville Death Toilet

Runner-Up:  Amityville Emanuelle

Best Cocaine Animal Movie

Cocaine Bear

Worst Cocaine Animal Movie

Cocaine Shark

Runner-Up:  Cocaine Cougar

Worst Comic Book Movie

Shazam!  Fury of the Gods

Runner-Up:  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  Mutant Mayhem

Best Documentary

Lingerie Fighting Championships 37:  Back to the Mansion

Runner-Up:  Albert Brooks:  Defending My Life

Best Drama

Oppenheimer

Runner-Up:  Priscilla

Best Dustin Ferguson Movie

Summerhouse Slaughter

Runner-Up:  Stale Popcorn and Sticky Floors

Worst Dustin Ferguson Movie

Cocaine Cougar

Runner-Up:  Big F*cking Snake

Worst Emanuelle Movie

Amor Emanuelle

Runner-Up:  Amityville Emanuelle

Best Exorcism Movie

Exorcist:  Believer

Worst Exorcism Movie

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown 

Best Family Movie

Fast X

Worst Horror Remake/Reboot

Savage Vengeance

Runner-Up:  Children of the Corn

Best Jason Statham Movie

Fast X

Runner-Up:  Expend4bles

Best Kids Movie

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Runner-Up:  Spider-Man:  Across the Spider-Verse

Worst Kids Movie

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  Mutant Mayhem

Best Killer Doll Movie

M3GAN

Worst Killer Doll Movie

Demon Doll from Hell

Runner-Up:  Doll Killer 3:  Audra’s Revenge

Best Non-Killer Doll Movie

Barbie

Worst Mark Polonia Movie

Cocaine Shark

Runner-Up:  Motorboat

Best Movie Based on a Toy

Barbie

Worst Movie Based on a Toy

Transformers:  Rise of the Beasts

Best Movie Based on a Trailer

Thanksgiving

Best Movie Based on a TV Show

The Equalizer 3

Runner-Up:  Mission:  Impossible:  Dead Reckoning:  Part One

Worst Movie Based on a TV Show

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles:  Mutant Mayhem

Best Remake/Reboot

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

Runner-Up:  Shin Ultraman

Worst Remake/Reboot

Savage Vengeance

Runner-Up:  Children of the Corn

Worst Sci-Fi Movie

Big F*cking Snake 

Runner-Up:  AIMEE:  The Visitor

Worst Sequel to a Sequel

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

Best 666 Sequel

Axegrinder 666

Worst 666 Sequel

Camp Blood 666 Part 2:  Exorcism of the Clown

Best Stephen King Movie

Pet Sematary:  Bloodlines

Worst Stephen King Movie

Children of the Corn

Best Vampire Movie

Parasite Lady

Best Video Game Movie

The Super Mario Bros. Movie

NARCOTIC (1933) **

Narcotic is director Dwain (Maniac) Esper’s anti-drug propaganda flick that rallies against the use of opium.  A doctor with a promising future is engaged to be married and spends his spare time volunteering at a free clinic.  He starts hanging out with his Chinese friend from college who recreationally visits opium dens and before long, he becomes a hopelessly addicted doper.  His wife figures out he’s an addict and tries to get him help.  After a successful stint in rehab, he becomes addicted once again after getting into a terrible car wreck.  Tragically, his life quickly spirals from there.

Lacking the jaw-dropping lunacy of Esper’s classic, Maniac or even the wild-eyed fun of the Esper-produced Reefer Madness, Narcotic is a tepid and routine affair.  I guess that has a lot to do with the presentation as we’re told upfront it’s a “case study”.  In another words, a factual account.  What made Esper’s other adults-only roadshow outings so much fun is that they were fire and brimstone scare pictures.  This one is more of a filmed manual about the dangers of addiction.  Whereas Maniac had nudity and gore and Reefer Madness had hilarious overacting, this one has boring speeches about addiction.  (To be fair, there may have been harsher scenes in its original release.  The editing is so choppy throughout that it’s conceivable that at some point there was a tawdrier version before the censors got ahold of it.)

Other than a brief birth of a baby scene and the guy in yellow face who smokes hookahs and spouts fortune cookie witticisms, Narcotic is curiously low on the WTF moments you hope for from a dated scare picture.   The closest it comes to matching the heights of Esper’s other works is the “dope party” scene near the end.  Even then, it’s more or less just a bunch of people hanging around and telling bad jokes, but the close-up of a needle going in the arm is rather graphic.  (The shots of the pothead’s uncontrolled giggling sort of portends the hilarity of Reefer Madness.)  The funniest part is when one partygoer says, “We’re gonna get lit!”  It’s nice to know that after nearly a hundred years some slang words never change.