LET’S GET PHYSICAL: FEMALE MERCENARIES ON ZOMBIE ISLAND (1995) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 22nd, 2023)

In the year 2000, an asteroid (it looks like your grandma’s chair) hurtles toward Earth with the potential to wipe out all of existence.  Tina Krause’s solution?  Take a shower!

After the asteroid kills most of the population, sexy Doctor Pamela Sutch sets herself up on an island turning men into mindless zombie soldiers and performing brain transplants.  After she kills off most of the peaceful farming women on the island, the survivors swear revenge.  With some help from the zombie henchmen who long to become human again, they plan to overthrow the mad doctor once and for all.

Before I continue with this review, I have to get something off my chest:  There was no goddamn reason this needed to be 111 minutes.  The plot circles around and loops back on itself a lot.  The heroines are captured, then escape, only to be recaptured and escape again.  There are also long scenes where actors are forced to say an incredible amount of ridiculous exposition with a straight face.

That said, it has a scene of Tina Krause getting undressed, taking a shower, being chloroformed, and hogtied, not one but two long text crawls that look like they came out of a Sega Genesis game, and the world ends via piece of furniture, all BEFORE the opening credits start, so it’s not all bad.

Unfortunately, it seems like they added the opening after the fact as the rest of the movie is rather light on nudity.  I guess the filmmakers thought if they frontload it with a lot of T & A to lure you in, you’d forget what you were watching and why you were watching it in the first place.  Oh, did I mention this is a W.A.V.E. movie?  Questioning what the fuck you’re watching kind of goes along with the territory.

We do get some great gore along the way.  There are slashed throats, hilarious brain operation scenes, zombie attacks, and even some Kung Fu too.  I also enjoyed the fact that when the zombies eat people, it’s not raw like in a Romero movie.  They actually take the time to put their prey in a giant pot and cook them like an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. 

What else can I tell you about this one?  There’s mud wrestling, bondage, discipline, electrocution, strangulation, wet T-shirts, catfights, and water fights.  I mean, a movie with all that going for it can’t be all bad.  It’s just way too long and much too slow moving in between the good stuff.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: EATEN ALIVE: A TASTEFUL REVENGE (1999) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 15th, 2023)

(NOTE:  This film appears as a bonus feature on the Blu-Ray for Limbo)

Okay, so when I watched Mail Order Murder, the W.A.V.E. Productions documentary, this was one of the titles that really stuck out.  The short clips that were shown don’t quite do it justice.  This is one of the nuttiest fucking movies I’ve seen in a long time.  I think I may be hooked on W.A.V.E.

Stacey (Debbie D) gives it all for her company but is still passed over for a promotion by her bitchy boss (Barbara Joyce).  To make matters worse, the job goes to Stacey’s ROOMMATE (Tina Krause) just because she’s prettier than her!  The nerve.  What’s a gal to do?  If you answered, “Grab a shrinking gun, shrink her enemies down to size, and then eat them”, then this is the movie for you.  

I’ve never been one for drugs, but this movie left me high as a kite.  Director Gary Whitson gets maximum laughs from the hilarious concept and the acting and shrinking scenes have to be seen to be disbelieved.  Some of the greenscreen “special” effects will have you rolling in the floor with laughter.  

If you’re not familiar with W.A.V.E. Productions, they basically allowed fans to write in to them with a list of their fetishes and they would incorporate them into their next no-budget horror movie.  I don’t know who had a fetish for shrinking hot naked women and then eating them, but God bless them and keep them for all eternity.  I’m not sure if I too have the fetish now, but I kind of already want to see it again.  One thing’s for sure, it’s one of the most insane films I’ve seen in a long time.  

The movie is only about thirty-five minutes long, which is about all the running time this insane premise could stand.  It’s almost like they shrunk the movie down to size too.  That is a good thing, though.  When you strip down something like this down to its barest essentials, it makes the weird-ass sequences seem even weirder.  

Speaking of being stripped down and bare, there’s a lot of nudity here, which also helps make it an unadulterated classic.  There’s a sequence where Debbie D and Sunny try on swimsuits for like ten straight minutes that is cinema at its purest.  Heck, I’m not even gonna talk about the scenes that take place INSIDE Debbie’s stomach where the shrunken girls are digested on something that looks like a Slip n’ Slide from Hell.

Even though it’s only thirty-five minutes long, Eaten Alive!  A Tasteful Revenge is still somehow packed with flashbacks, an overlong end credits sequence, AND post-credits bloopers.  I usually object to so much padding, but these scenes were so nice the first time that I didn’t mind seeing them twice, if only to double-check that I didn’t hallucinate the whole thing.  If you thought you’ve seen it all, by all means, check this sucker out.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LIMBO (1999) *

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on October 27th, 2022)

About ten minutes into Limbo, it became apparent that B-Movie Scream Queen-turned-first time director Tina Krause rented Jacob’s Ladder one night and decided to make her own loose remake using the crappiest home video equipment available.  That probably wasn’t the worst idea in the world, but the problem is that there is barely any connective narrative tissue to hold the thing together.  Because of that, it looks like one long, cheap, SOV music video.  

A woman named Katherine goes to a bar where she is given an ominous warning by an unseen stranger.  After Katherine picks up a cute waitress (Krause), things spiral into a lot of shaky-cam/let’s-use-every-filter-and-editing-trick-that-came-with-the-camera music video sequences.  She returns to the bar the next night where she picks up another stranger and the cycle repeats itself until Katherine learns she’s actually dead and in limbo.  (Hey, it’s not a spoiler if it’s in the title!)

This one was a tough sit.  Although I enjoy seeing Krause in her low budget horror movies, this is by far the worst one I have seen.  It was also by far the shortest flick I’ve watched this month (it’s only fifty-four minutes), but it sure as Hell felt like the longest.  

It's not all terrible.  If you can make it to the homestretch, there are a couple of decent gore effects (given the budget).  We get a pretty good face ripping scene as well as a not-bad gut ripping sequence.  However, that doesn’t make up for all the schizophrenic editing, incoherent storytelling (a vampire subplot is dropped into our laps in the late going), piss-poor camerawork, and piss-poorer sound.  

I admire Krause’s ambition.  More Scream Queens should take the cinematic reigns and direct their own movies.  I just wish that Krause’s directorial effort was closer in spirit to her other low budget vehicles instead of an overlong, experimental, wannabe student film.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BLOODY MUSCLE BODYBUILDER IN HELL (1995) ****

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on November 9th, 2022)

Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell is basically a low budget, hour-long, shot-on-video Japanese remake of Evil Dead 2.  After reading that sentence, you should already know if you are the target audience for this sort of thing.  Even if you didn’t dig it as much as I did, you have to admit:  It has one of the greatest titles in movie history.  

Shinji (writer/director Shinichi Fukazawa) is a bodybuilder who takes his girlfriend and a psychic to investigate his father’s supposedly haunted house.  Before long, the vengeful spirit of his father’s former lover possesses the psychic and uses his powers to lock the couple in the house.  After being tormented endlessly by the possessed psychic, our hero eventually uses his love of weightlifting to smash the demon once and for all.

Some scenes follow Evil Dead 1 and 2 pretty closely, and the recreations are quite impressive considering the time and resources that were available.  Fans of Sam Raimi’s trilogy will enjoy these moments to be sure (everything from the headless corpse attack to the iconic “Groovy” scene is here), but I was even more impressed by Fukazawa’s original flourishes and twists on Raimi’s standbys just as much.  The eyeball stabbing scene is great, and the part where a necklace comes out a person’s mouth and digs into their eye is kind of freaky.  The film even manages to one-up Raimi when the dismembered hand fuses together with a severed head, creating a Bride of Re-Animator-esque creation.  Also, those who were always incensed that Evil Dead 2’s poster boy, the skull with human eyes, was nowhere to be found in that movie will be pleased that a very low budget version shows up here.

In front of the camera, Fukazawa mimics Bruce Campbell’s performance rather closely and nails many of his facial tics.  Weirdly enough, this was his only movie, and it’s sort of a shame.  Even though it’s clearly a riff on Evil Dead (I hesitate to call it a “rip-off” as it’s more of a homage than anything), his own unique spins on Raimi’s films are enough to make you curious what he might’ve been able to do with a completely original premise.  

“Sayonara, baby!”

AKA:  The Japanese Evil Dead.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTO VS. DOCTOR DEATH (1973) **

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on January 27th, 2021)

A thief sneaks into a museum and vandalizes a valuable painting.  An expert is brought in to restore the work of art and deems it to be a fake.  In reality, he’s in league with the ring of thieves who plan to sell it on the black market and make a fortune.  Stymied, Interpol brings in El Santo to bring the thieves down. 

I tend to find El Santo’s non-horror and sci-fi films to be among his lesser work, and despite the great title, Santo vs. Doctor Death has only the slightest horror trappings.  The scenes of sexy women in flimsy negligees walking down hidden passageways and catacombs are about all we get.  The movie is particularly sluggish whenever our masked hero isn’t on screen.  The art heist stuff is well-filmed, but mostly dull.  The same goes for the stuff with the Interpol agents.  We do get a pretty good car chase and the helicopter vs. boat finale is well done, although it is ultimately too little too late.  The ladies in the cast are all easy on the eyes though. 

Santo vs. Doctor Death is one of the few movies El Santo made away from his native Mexico.  It is also the only film he made in Spain.  The change of scenery is a bit of a mixed blessing.  While it may be a tad on the slow side, it is one of his best-looking flicks.  The cinematography is excellent and there are moments that look like they would be right at home in a Bond rip-off.  However, El Santo is usually at his best when he was working with guys who really knew how to utilize his talents, and this Spanish crew just can’t seem to do that.

The three wrestling scenes are OK.  Like the rest of the movie, they look slicker than usual.  The bulk of them are filmed in an empty auditorium, which is surprisingly effective.  Seeing the matches taking place in a mostly black void (complete with obviously phony canned crowd sound effects) is just odd enough to make them memorable. 

AKA:  Santo Strikes Again.  AKA:  Masked Man Strikes Again.  AKA:  Dr. Death.  AKA:  The Saint vs. Dr. Death.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: MARDI GRAS MASSACRE (1978) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 22nd, 2014)

Mardi Gras Massacre plays like a lost Herschell Gordon Lewis movie as it’s basically a loose remake of Blood Feast. The difference is the psycho in this one kills women and offers them as sacrifices to an Aztec god; not an Egyptian one. Big difference.

A crazy rich dude wanders into various New Orleans bars and strip clubs looking for the most “evil” hooker he can find. Once he finds his prey, he brings her home and ties her spread eagle on a sacrificial altar. Because he likes to wear a long robe and a weird mask, they just think he’s kinky. They never expect he’s going to actually cut their heart out. It’s then up to a cop (who’s dating a hooker that’s just bound to be the killer’s next victim) to stop him.

Like many a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie, Mardi Gras Massacre features static camerawork, stilted acting, and cheesy (yet highly entertaining) gore set pieces. Everything in between the gore-drenched sequences is pretty shoddy technically (there are a lot of jump cuts) and many dialogue scenes go on far too long. The production values are about on par with a porno from the time, which gives the film a reasonable amount of charm.

I’m not going to lie; this movie is rough going in places. The pacing is uneven, most of the acting is lousy, the ending is terrible, and you’re liable to fall asleep on some parts. However, there is enough scenes of hookers getting naked, hearts being ripped out, and disco dancing to qualify Mardi Gras Massacre as a fun ‘70s time capsule.

LATE NIGHT WITH THE DEVIL (2024) ***

Late Night with the Devil has an irresistible hook.  Jack Delroy (David Dastmalchian) is a fading late night talk show host desperate for ratings.  To boost viewership, he decides to book a supposedly possessed young girl for his Halloween show.  After bringing out a psychic (whose routine ends with projectile vomiting), the little girl is brought on stage and the Linda Blair-inspired antics ensue. 

This is a pretty good vehicle for David Dastmalchian.  He’s long been a dependable supporting/character actor.  Here’s he’s handsome enough to be a believable talk show host, but he carries a certain sadness in his eyes that suggests there's more going on beneath the surface.  (Which, of course, there is.)  Dastmalchian has charisma to burn as well, and commands the screen for the entire running time, even when the film itself begins to spin its wheels. 

The best moments occur during the “live” broadcast, which is filmed on old videotape and features plenty of horrendous polyester fashions. The black and white sequences of the behind-the-scenes chaos during the commercial breaks are less successful.  Also, the long scene near the end where the film drops its 4:3 television format and cuts to a more cinematic ratio could’ve been trimmed back some.  (I know this will be streaming soon, but the vintage TV aesthetic looked great on the big screen.)  However, whenever it hews close to its ‘70s-inspired live TV look, it’s rather effective. 

It helps that directors Cameron and Colin Cairnes actually deliver the goods when it comes to the exorcism sequence.  I won’t spoil what happens or exactly how it happens.  I’ll just say I’ve seen enough of these kinds of Found Footage movies where the filmmakers cop out at the end and never show what happened.  (I’m looking at you, Blair Witch.)  This one is pretty definitive. 

Ideally, this would’ve worked best with an hour-long running time (the length of the actual broadcast) as some of the padding is hit-and-miss.  There’s still plenty of good stuff along the way (like the file footage of a Satanic cult that is a fairly spot-on recreation of Satanis, starring Anton LeVay).  Hopefully, this will be a successful calling card for Dastmalchian, who deserves a breakout thanks to his fun performance.