LET’S GET PHYSICAL: PINK FLAMINGOS (1972) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

John Waters’ Pink Flamingos is a movie that is almost impossible to review.  It’s kind of unclassifiable unless you’re talking to someone who’s already seen it.  You either dig it or you don’t.  Even more than fifty years after its release, it still manages to be perverse, funny, and shocking.  I can’t quite exactly call it a “good” movie.  It’s more of a force of nature; something that must be experienced rather than “seen”.  

The plot has the Marbles, Raymond and Connie (David Lochary and Mink Stole) competing with Divine (himself) for the title of “Filthiest Person Alive”.  Naturally, all the back and forth between the two competitors leads to murder.  Finally, to cement her title, Divine resorts to eating dog shit.

I got a perverse thrill knowing this Midnight Movie cult flick has not only been released on Blu-Ray by the Criterion Collection, but also has been preserved as part of the National Film Registry by the Library of Congress.  Do you think Waters and his cohorts ever envisioned that happening back in the ‘70s when they were running around the backwoods of Baltimore filming this?  I think not.

Pink Flamingos isn’t exactly a “film”, per se.  Instead, it functions more as a transgressive piece of rebel art.  Yes, it has a narrative, but it seems sort of juvenile, which helps to set up the craziness in the last half-hour. (Yes, I’m referring to the dog shit eating.)  Although by this point, it probably seems tame to today’s generation raised on the internet, or anyone who’s Googled Two Girls One Cup.  

Sure, there are things I love about the movie.  First and foremost, Divine.  He’s definitely a star.  He probably didn’t need to eat dog shit to be a legend, but I’m sure it didn’t hurt.  I also love Edith the Egg Lady, who gives a terrific performance.  

No matter how many times I’ve seen it, I do start to tap out by the time the “Singing Asshole” scene comes around.  To me, the dog shit scene seems kind of quaint in comparison.  It’s in the last half-hour where the film kind of goes off the rails and becomes part cinematic carnival geek show, part gore movie, and part fetish video. 

This is one case where a star rating system doesn’t really apply.  You’re either the kind of person who would watch it or you aren’t.  My review isn’t going to sway you one way or another.  I don’t even know if anyone can call it “good” in a conventional sense, but it is an important milestone, not only in terms of Midnight Movies, but in cinema in general.  I mean, if it’s good enough for the Library of Congress, it’s good enough for me. 

Oh, and the Blu-Ray comes with a replica of the Pink “Phlegm-ingos” barf bag, which is fucking cool. 

TAROT (2024) ***

Tarot has a good hook to hang a horror flick on.  It’s so good that it is somehow able to overcome the PG-13 rating and still deliver the goods.  If your film is carrying a PG-13 rating, it’s pretty much a given you’re not going to be tossing the gore around and letting the T & A jiggle and wiggle.  So, what you have to do is give your flick some style, atmosphere, and a sense of humor.  Tarot more or less checks all those boxes and is a surprisingly good time, mostly because it… ahem… plays its cards right. 

The film is basically Ouija meets Thirteen Ghosts with a little bit of A Nightmare on Elm Street and Final Destination thrown in.  A group of friends rent a mansion for the weekend.  While looking for booze, they stumble into a basement that would give the Warrens the creeps.  There, they find a mysterious deck of old tarot cards and the witchy one of the group performs readings for her friends.  Before you can say “Miss Cleo”, her friends begin dying off in ways described by the cards. 

As an added bonus, the victims’ final card takes on a life of its own to deliver the killing blow.  Such villains include The High Priestess, The Hermit, The Fool, and even Death himself.  Each has their own little gimmick.  For example, The Hangman uses a rope to hang one girl and The Magician locks a gal in a box and saws her in half.  Even though the flick is PG-13 this scene is still effective as the shots of the saw blade coming perilously close to the gal’s kicking legs works rather well.  The scene involving a ladder is also fairly brutal given the rating. 

The fact that the potential victims can outsmart Death if they heed the warnings in their reading is a smart little wrinkle.  Naturally, since this is a horror movie, many of them still manage to make dumb choices.  Sure, some of the backstory wasn’t really necessary (they should’ve saved it for a sequel), but for the most part, this is a solid flick. 

Our local theater does bargain shows on Tuesdays for $7.50.  That’s how I saw Tarot, and I would say I got my money’s worth.  So far, 2024 is shaping up to be a banner year for horror.

FOXY FOOD FIGHT (1987) ***

Women’s mud wrestling is one of the finest American institutions known to man. I mean how do you top that?  Well, you replace mud with food. 

The pre-entertainment show features contestants coming out dressed up as various foods like bananas, grapes, and hamburgers.  At first, I was afraid things were gonna get too literal with the gals wrestling in food costumes.  Luckily, they quickly eschewed their food-themed wardrobe, donned some bikinis, and went into action.  Oh, and the ring announcer was dressed as a chef, which I thought was a nice touch. 

The first fight has two bikini-clad combatants rolling around in a bed of lettuce.  During the match, one gal shoves a fistful of lettuce down the back of her opponent’s thong which gives new meaning to the term “tossing the salad”.  The main course finds two contestants battling in a pool of spaghetti.  Cooked pasta, as it turns out, also makes for an effective whip.  This match also includes a great moment where one of the fighters shoves the noodles inside her thong and shakes it around like a horse’s tail.  The “Dessert Round” finds the wrassling women going toe to toe in a vat of whipped cream. 

The video cinematography is acceptable for what it is.  It was filmed at the Whisky a Go-Go rather than some random strip club, so you know it’s a classy affair.  The editing is a little weird at times as every fighter’s entrance is shown as part of the same segment.  I mean, it would’ve made more sense to only show their entrance for each contestants’ fight.  (The random use of slow motion during the fights doesn’t really work either.)  Then again, it’s hard to complain when they all enter the ring in sexy themed outfits like Miss America, an Air Force officer, and a pirate. 

There’s also a neat gimmick of new food being added in between rounds like carrots and tomatoes in the salad fight, tomato sauce in spaghetti fight, and cherries are added in during dessert.  While there are many near-nips slips, everything is pretty PG-13 for the most part.  Sure, it won’t replace women’s mud wrestling any time soon, but Foxy Food Fight offers up a fun variation on the theme, nevertheless. 

Foxy Oil Wrestling followed. 

GINGER LYNN ALLEN’S SUPERBODY (1993) ***

You all know me.  You know how I earn my living.  You know I love me some celebrity workout videos.  You also know I love me some porn stars, especially ones from the ‘80s.  So, when I find something like Ginger Lynn Allen’s Superbody on YouTube, I just have to watch it.  I’m not sure if this was Ginger’s answer video to Jazz Warm-up to Traci Lords or if she already had an idea to make her own exercise video.  Perhaps having two competing porn star workout videos was a happy accident.  Either way, I’m glad they both exist. 

In the intro, Ginger says her routine is a combination of “Yoga, body sculpting, and low impact aerobics”.  She begins with some floor stretches before moving on to what looks like a mix of yoga and dancercise.  Then, it’s back to the floor for some “Butt Lifters” (which sounds like the name of a movie Ginger would’ve starred in), leg lifts, and crunches.  Finally, we end with some breathing exercises. 

As workout videos go, Ginger Lynn’s Superbody offers nothing too strenuous for the viewer.  If you’re looking to perform an actual workout routine along with the video, you may find it useful, especially if you’re a beginner.  But let’s face it.  This thing solely exists for guys like me to watch Ginger Lynn In tight white workout clothes undulating around on the floor. 

The set is very industrial looking, which is a sharp contrast to the relaxing narration and soft, soothing music.  There’s also a giant fan behind Ginger and her two models that create a silhouette reminiscent of lighting in a film noir movie.  (The use of black and white in some scenes enhances this feeling.)  Overall, it kinda looks like a set from a cheap Sci-Fi movie and is far removed from the homey settings featured in most celebrity workout videos.  That’s part of what makes it interesting though.

All of Ginger’s instructions come in the form of voiceover.  Because of her monotone delivery, along with the New Age soundtrack, it almost plays better as ASMR than as a workout video.  Then again, if you’re watching this, you’re probably just watching it for Ginger, and not so much the exercise. 

Despite her profession, there’s nothing outwardly pornographic here, although Ginger shows off some cleavage here and there and sports major camel toe in many shots.  Also, the slow-motion cheesecake shots of Ginger enjoying her exercise are more sexy than instructional.  Not that I am complaining.  The scenes of her on all fours and rhythmically undulating are pretty hot too.  I guess this is about as naughty as Ginger is allowed to be on a workout tape.  That said, it’s still rather steamy.

AKA:  Superbody Workout.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: KIDS IN THE HALL: BRAIN CANDY (1996) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

Kids in the Hall:  Brain Candy was a flop at the time of release (I have fond memories of braving a blizzard to see it at the movies and being the only one in the theater) although fans and even the creators seem to hate it.  (The sketch about the movie finally making its money back on the first episode of the new reboot was pretty funny though.)  I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for it.  Sure, translating a sketch comedy show to a feature length movie is a tricky thing.  I’ll admit the plot doesn’t exactly lend itself to their brand of humor either (although it does give them an excuse to dust off some of their characters who are mostly relegated to cameos).  I remember thinking when I first saw it that a comedy about the pharmaceutical industry was a weird angle to hang a sketch comedy movie around.  Nowadays, it seems like every time you turn on TV you see commercials for various drugs, so I have to wonder if it was actually just ahead of its time.  Either way, there is some wickedly funny stuff here, which is all that really matters. 

Chris (Kevin McDonald) is a scientist who creates a wonder drug to cure depression.  Naturally, it needs a bunch more tests but when the CEO of the pharmaceutical company (Mark McKinney) threatens his job, he pushes it through to market.  At first, it seems to be a miracle cure, but side effects eventually kick in and it’s up to Chris to make things right. 

Although I miss some of the more famous sketch characters, the cast is great as usual.  Some of the highlights are Dave Foley’s “Just a Guy”, Bruce McCullough as Cancer Boy, and Scott Thompson gets a great gay musical number.  I know a lot of fans look down their nose at it, but for this fan, it gave me plenty of big laughs.  If you can just turn off your brain, there’s plenty of candy to be had.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HEAT (1995) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on April 15th, 2012)

Whenever a director remakes his own film, it can be a bit odd, and the results can be mixed. Heat is Michael Mann’s remake of his TV movie L.A. Takedown. Because it stars Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, I’d say this is one case where a remake was justified.

Yeah, Heat is a pretty big deal pairing of two living legends (and Val Kilmer too). The downside is that their screen time together is very brief. Also, the length is a bit of an issue too because it really didn’t need to be three hours long. Essentially, what we have is two 90-minute movies. One features De Niro planning and executing heists and the other has policeman Pacino trying to catch him. They only occasionally intersect, but there are plenty of sparks between them, so you tend not to notice that the storyline is a bit thin. (After three goddamned hours, all we learn is that Criminals Are People Too and Cops Have a Personal Lives, Ya Know.) Because Mann has to split time between Pacino and De Niro, he has to switch gears fairly often throughout the course of the movie. Not enough to completely derail the film, but it does get a bit irksome after a while.

The first act is kinda slow and the big heist is staged rather clumsily (people just kinda run around firing guns), but the third act is by far the most interesting. It’s here where we see all of the characters’ decisions catching up with them. I particularly liked the scene at the end (SPOILER) where De Niro breaks his personal code, which causes him to get caught. My favorite scene though is when Kilmer is about to be reunited with his wife (Ashley Judd) and she warns him to stay away. It’s a rather touching scene and is just as memorable as the showier and highly touted Pacino/De Niro verbal showdown.

Pacino has a couple moments where he overacts to the point of gorging on the scenery. Mostly, he goes over the top when he’s shaking down and/or intimidating suspects and snitches. Not that I’m complaining, because his blustering keeps potentially stale scenes popping. Conversely, De Niro underplays things; perhaps a bit too much. His love subplot also kinda slows things down, but he’s aces whenever he’s commanding his crew. The supporting cast is stellar too as Kilmer, Tom Sizemore, Diane Verona, Natalie Portman, Jon Voight, Danny Trejo, and Tom Noonan turn in damned fine performances.

Mann directed The Insider next.

QUICK THOUGHTS:

I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but I’ve always considered Heat to be on the good, not great spectrum.  Most of the problems have to do with the unwieldy length.  There’s nothing wrong with the performances (especially whenever Pacino is chewing the scenery), and it’s fun seeing De Niro and Pacino on screen matching wits even if it’s only for a few precious moments.  The action is fairly strong too, but there’s just too many lulls in between the good stuff for me to call this one a classic. 

4K UHD NOTES:  

This was the first disc I bought after getting a 4K player for Christmas.  I picked it up for only $7 at Best Buy (a few weeks before they stopped selling physical media).  I’d say I got my money’s worth as the transfer is fine, but nothing that exactly knocks your socks off.  I thought the picture looked a little dark in places, and after I watched it, I found out online that apparently Mann tinkered with the color timing for this version.  So, if you’re a die-hard fan of its original incarnation, I’d say stick with your old Blu-Ray or DVD.  Then again, if you can pick this up for under $10 like I did, I’d say it would be worth adding to your collection.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HEY FOLKS! IT’S INTERMISSION TIME MIXTAPE (2024) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

The fiends at the American Genre Film Archive have teamed up with the weirdos of Something Weird to bring to Blu-Ray the entire collection of the Hey Folks!  It’s Intermission Time series.  This mixtape was included on the set and it’s a breezy and fun compilation of the six volumes of intermission ads and drive-in snipes.  If you don’t have time to watch all six entries, you can check out this compilation and catch many of the highlights in just about an hour’s time. 

It’s more than just a Greatest Hits package though.  Throughout the presentation, the folks at AGFA show their mischievous side by taking their scissors to some of the commercials and concession stand ads and re-editing and redubbing them for comedic effect.  These moments kind of reminded me of the stuff they used to do on Night Flight back in the day.  I’m not saying all the jokes land, but the running gag of the local ad for “Cox Motors” cropping up at inopportune moments certainly had me laughing. 

All of this is done in good fun.  However, If this sort of thing ruffles your feathers, and you would just rather see non-stop drive-in ads and concession stand commercials in their original and unaltered form, there are still plenty of fun clips to enjoy.  (The jaw dropping short film about milk featuring a milkman and his obnoxious alien hand puppet is worth the price of admission on its own.)  Besides, there are six whole collections in the set.  If you don’t feel like watching some of the comic additions, just skip this one and dive right into the other compilations instead.  If you’re like me and are a die-hard Something Weird fan and AGFA aficionado, or if you just love these old kinds of compilations, this will be a lot of fun.  Either way, this set will be the perfect addition to your home video collection.