SPECTERS (1989) **

While digging around in the catacombs underneath the Coliseum, professor Donald Pleasence accidentally awakens an ancient evil.  Naturally, a rival prof doesn’t care about that shit.  He just wants to get his hands on the trinkets Pleasance found down in the catacombs.  Pretty soon, a rubbery monster is running around the underground of Rome killing off the professor’s assistants. 

Specters is kind of disjointed as it has too many characters and not a whole lot of plot.  There are long stretches of it that doesn’t make much sense either.  Like most Italian horror flicks, you either go with it or you don’t.  Some of this works in fits and starts, but it has more fits than starts. 

I can only imagine how much more entertaining this all could’ve been had Pleasence overacted a little bit.  It probably wouldn’t have saved the movie, but it couldn’t have hurt.  Every time it looks like he has an opportunity to chew the scenery, he just passively drifts off.  It’s like he told the filmmakers, “Oh, I’d love to chew the scenery fellas, but you see I’m on a diet.  Doctor’s orders, you know.” 

Still, it’s not all bad.  There’s a cool dream scene reminiscent of Nosferatu, the Creature of the Black Lagoon-inspired monster during the movie-within-the movie scenes is pretty nifty, and we get some (but not much) gore, including throat ripping, head crushing, and face clawing.  There’s also a little T & A in there to spice things up, albeit not a whole lot.

The oddest moment comes when someone dies from falling into a stained-glass window in the shape of the MGM lion.  I’m not sure if that was a purposeful jab at the American studio system or what.  What I can say is that I haven’t seen that in a movie before.  Plus, the cheesy ’80s Italian fashions are good for a giggle or two. 

AKA:  Spectre.  AKA:  Catacombs.

THE ALL-NEW PET WORKOUT (2000) ****

I love old workout tapes.  I love Penthouse videos.  So, when I stumbled upon The All-New Pet Workout, it was kind of like confirming the existence of God. 

Unlike most workout videos, there is zero instruction here.  Just the barest whips of a premise and then… voila!  The models get naked.  What’s not to love? 

The first model, Gina Adore does a striptease atop a yoga ball, and boy… your balls will get a workout while watching this scene.  Then, two Pets hop in the pool and have a workout session.  And by “workout session”, I mean they eat each other’s ass cracks.  Shawn Young (not to be confused with Sean Young from No Way Out) then does some cursory stretching exercises before getting naked.  I’m so glad she spent thirty seconds stretching because it would’ve been a real shame if she got a cramp or something mid-striptease.  Next, Mellisa takes a hot sauna before deciding to add some more steam to the steam room by playing with herself.  Then, Isabella does a sexy workout routine before disrobing for the camera.  That kind of wipes her out, so afterwards she receives a hot oil massage from one of the other Pets.  Then, Mellisa comes back to lift weights for all about ten seconds before taking it all off.  After that, Shawn shows up as sort of a cross between a dominatrix and a personal trainer to do some one-on-one training.  This sequence is extremely hot and there is a lot of chemistry between the performers.  Young especially is a lot of fun to watch and gets into her routines with gusto.  

As far as nudie workout videos, this is about as good as it gets.  Even though the performers were unfamiliar to me, they were all spectacular.  In short, The All-New Pet Workout will have you working up a sweat!  It sure beats the hassle of getting a gym membership, I know that much. 

AKA:  Penthouse:  The All-New Pet Workout.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: CRIMES OF THE FUTURE (2022) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on November 23rd, 2022)

In the future, people start developing weird organs and shit, which starts to blur the line between what is and isn’t considered “human”.  Viggo Mortensen and Lea Seydoux are a team of performance artists who dutifully tattoo and register their newly acquired organs at Kristen Stewart’s office for “National Organ Registry”.  Oh, and by “performance artists”, I don’t mean they don clown make-up and recite slam poetry or shit like that.  I mean Viggo hops into his fleshy-pod while Lea performs a robo-autopsy on him WHILE HE’S STILL ALIVE as audience members gawk and salivate like extras from Café Flesh.  You know, because “SURGERY IS THE NEW SEX!”

Crimes of the Future is probably the David Cronenbergiest David Cronenberg has ever David Cronenberged.  After decades of making serious grown-up movies, The Man is back with a vengeance.  It’s like all those years making mainstream films caused all his cinematic excesses and fetishes to bottleneck and when he finally uncorked that sucker, it went nuclear.  Last week, in my review of Jean Rollin’s Dracula’s Fiancée, I wrote, “It has the confidence of a genre director in his twilight years gleefully indulging us with his cinematic fetishes one more time.  I respect that kind of shit.”  I could’ve easily been talking about David Cronenberg and Crimes of the Future.  

It's got all his weird little touches.  Growths, tumors, people being attached to machines that look like growths and tumors.  It’s also chockfull of Cronenbergian dialogue containing unending pseudoscientific gobbledygook and he never for a second stops to explain any of it.  As a lifelong fan of the man, I respect that kind of shit.

You know you’re in for something special right from the opening scene where a kid eats a trashcan.  His mother knows, once shit like that starts happening, there’s only one option:  Suffocate that little bugger in his sleep.  I mean, first it’s trashcans.  Then sofas.  Next thing you know, they eat you out of house and home.  Literally.  

I also love how at one art show, the guy who sews a bunch of ears to his face and body is kind of looked down upon as a poseur because, after all, “the ears don’t work”.  It may be the dystopian future, but we still must demand high standards from our artists.  Goddamned, I love this movie.

There’s an intriguing question that is proposed about halfway through:  Is Viggo just another mutant who’s popping out strange new organs, or is the “artist” willing these tumors into existence for the sake of art?  Cronenberg is basically saying that art isn’t just some intangible thing that you pull out of thin air, but a living, organic part of the artist themselves that must be surgically removed and displayed.  This point is further conveyed when someone asks Viggo if he’s working on anything new and he muses, “I don’t have a choice”.  

Mortensen is excellent, grunting, grumbling and grousing, but with a playful twinkle in his eye the whole time.  Seydoux is great too, but it’s Kristen Stewart who steals the movie by acting exactly like Chloe Sevigny hopped up on Spanish Fly.  In fact, this might be her horniest performance yet.  That on its own accord makes Crimes of the Future highly recommended.

It’s also full of great lines like, “I found her attractive… in a bureaucratic kind of way”, “There’s no crime like the present”, “Watching you filled me with the desire to cut my face open”, and “I’m sorry.  I’m not very good at the old sex”.  I never thought anything would surpass Videodrome’s mantra of “Long Live the New Flesh”, but “Surgery is the New Sex” comes awful close.  

In short, Crimes of the Future is a goddamned masterpiece.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it after I saw it, and I already want to watch it again.  It gets under your skin and demands to be reckoned with, just like a Cronenbergian tumor.

DEADPOOL AND WOLVERINE (2024) ***

I know us comic book nerds were ecstatic when we learned Deadpool and Wolverine would finally be making their way into the MCU.  Now, after all the hype and hubbub (bub) has died down, at the end of the day the filmmakers have to make a movie that works within the confines of the MCU while honoring the old 20th Century Fox days.  The best thing I can say about Deadpool and Wolverine is that it certainly feels akin to the sometimes clunky but mostly charming superhero films of the late ‘90s and early ‘00s.  However, as a Deadpool/X-Men/MCU entry, it comes up well short of the respective franchises’ best films. 

Deadpool gets drafted by the TVA to help them on their latest mission.  As a result, he learns his timeline is in danger of extinction.  He then recruits not THE Wolverine but a Wolverine variant (Hugh Jackman) to help him out.  They are then cast into “The Void”, a purgatory for washed-up superheroes and it’s up to the duo to find their way back home. 

For all its F-Bombs and gore, Deadpool (and to a lesser extent, Deadpool 2) had a surprising amount of heart, which elevated it to the cream of the superhero movie crop.  That heart is sorely missing this time around.  Characters still have meaningful relationships and all, but it feels like the screenwriters are just paying lip service to the dramatic weight of the story for this installment. 

That may have something to do with the fact that this is a different Wolverine than we are used to.  While the opening scene where Deadpool desecrates the bones of Logan is funny, the replacement Wolverine is more or less a one-note sad sack.  Yes, I’m glad they got Jackman back.  Sure, it is fun seeing Jackman and Reynolds bickering and playing off one another again.  It just doesn’t help that this Wolverine variant isn’t particularly interesting.  This has nothing to do with Jackman’s performance.  He does what he can with the material he’s been given.  It’s just that most of said material involves a lot of thinly sketched exposition.  Even the stuff with Deadpool and his girlfriend (Morena Baccarin) seems like it was rushed through to get to the “Multiverse” scenes. 

To a lesser degree, the same problems crop up with the cameo players.  I won’t dream of spoiling who shows up (everyone from former heroes from the Fox days to some stars who were rumored/fancast as certain characters).  And yes, I got a definite rush from seeing all those characters in action again.  However, it’s akin to a sugar rush that hits quick, and dissipates even faster.  That’s because the characters aren’t really given anything significant to do.  Despite their amusing presence, I wish they had been given something approaching an actual arc. 

I think the problem was with director Shawn Levy, who has worked with both Reynolds and Jackman before.  Nothing in his resume really suggests he could handle a big action movie like this that contains so many characters to juggle.  What he excels at is comedy, and in that regard the film is a home run.  It’s frequently hilarious and some of Deadpool’s one-liners are hysterical.  (My favorite:  “It’s like Pinocchio put his face in my ass and started lying like crazy!”)  Because of that, Deadpool and Wolverine is able to skate by on humor and nostalgia alone. 

Marvel Cinematic Universe Scorecard: 

Spider-Man:  No Way Home:  ****

Avengers:  Age of Ultron:  ****

The Incredible Hulk:  ****

Iron Man:  ****

Thor:  Ragnarok:  ****

Avengers:  Endgame:  ****

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  ****

Spider-Man:  Homecoming:  ****

Iron Man 3:  ****

Captain America:  Civil War:  *** ½

Ant-Man:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy:  *** ½

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2:  *** ½ 

Avengers:  Infinity War:  *** ½

Werewolf by Night:  *** ½ 

Black Panther:  *** ½ 

The Avengers:  ***

Captain America:  The First Avenger:  ***

Captain America:  The Winter Soldier:  ***

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Thor:  Love and Thunder:  ***

Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness:  ***

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings:  ***

Captain Marvel:  ***

Spider-Man:  Far from Home:  ***

Thor:  ***

The Marvels:  ***

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3:  ***

Thor:  The Dark World:  ***

Iron Man 2:  ***

Ant-Man and the Wasp:  Quantumania:  ** ½ 

Doctor Strange:  ** ½ 

Black Widow:  ** ½  

Black Panther:  Wakanda Forever:  **

The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special:  **

Eternals:  * ½  

X-MEN MOVIE SCORECARD:

X-Men: Apocalypse: ****

Deadpool: ****

X-Men: Days of Future Past: ****

X-Men 2: X-Men United: ****

X-Men: ****

X-Men 3: The Last Stand: ****

Logan:  ****

X-Men: First Class: *** ½

Deadpool 2: *** ½

X-Men: Origins: Wolverine: *** ½

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Dark Phoenix: ***

The Wolverine: ***

The New Mutants: ***

2024 COMIC BOOK MOVIE SCORECARD:

Deadpool and Wolverine:  ***

Madame Web:  **

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ALIENS VS. PREDATOR: REQUIEM (2007) *

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 29th, 2007)

I just looked up the definition of requiem in the dictionary.  I quote:

 

Requiem:  1.  A mass for a deceased person.  2.  A musical composition for such a mass.  3.  A hymn, composition, or service for the dead. 

 

All these definitions are fitting for this movie because after viewing it, I can say with great certainty that both beloved franchises are officially dead as doornails.  You can send flowers or donations to the families via 20th Century Fox Studios, Hollywood California. 

 

It seems that the movie as a whole just…

 

…WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS MOVIE REVIEW TO BRING YOU THIS BREAKING NEWS…

 

NEWS FLASH!  IT IS OFFICIAL.  BOTH ALIEN AND PREDATOR FRANCHISES ARE DEAD.  

 

It seems that Christmas Day, a time usually reserved for tidings of cheer and goodwill has turned into a time of mourning for lovers of the two series.  Separately the two icons of sci-fi and horror were world renown and loved by legions of fans.  But it was in the summer of 2004 when they met and found true love.  Sadly, their bliss was to be short lived.  Three years later they would be brutally murdered in a tragically unjust way by what police are now calling Aliens vs. Predator:  Requiem. 

 

Murder suspects wanted for questioning in the deaths of both Alien and Predator franchises include directors The Brothers Strause, screenwriter Shane Salerno and various members of the cast. 

 

It is believed by witnesses that the so-called “directors” murdered the franchise by deviating from the traditional slow build-up of suspense inherent in the material.  Allegedly the Strauses thought it would be wiser to constantly show us the Aliens and Predator running around without the benefit of A) mood, B) convincing lighting, or C) fleeting glimpses of the creatures which would eventually lead up to the bravura reveal of the two titans of terror, but that was not the case.  A leading criminologist tells this news team that the brothers, two special effects make-up men, were ill-equipped to work with any of the actors that weren’t totally encased in a rubber suit.  These progressive feelings of inadequacy towards the cast combined with a toddler’s understanding of how to film an action sequence led to the pair’s downfall and caused them to allow the movie to quote:  SUCK HARDCORE.  The Brothers Strause (Real names:  Colin and Greg) are also wanted on a misdemeanor count of necrophilia for raping the corpses of the two victims.  It is also believed unofficially that the duo are also wanted on an additional charge of lewd behavior for defecating on the remains of the Alien legacy and wiping their hindquarters with what was left of the Predator franchise.  A detective on the case revealed to us that the crime scene “Made Paul WS Anderson look like James Cameron.”

 

Also wanted for questioning is screenwriter Shane Salerno.  Salerno is thought to have aided and abetted the Strauses by writing a screenplay that was so spectacularly inept that it featured postage stamp thin characters, disregarded all sense and logic, and contained THE most abrupt, anticlimactic, stupidest ending since Jaws the Revenge.  Salerno is also wanted on charges of writing such dialogue such as “Don’t crash!”, “This hat makes me look stupid!”, and “The government doesn’t lie to people!”

 

Cinema Police are also on the lookout for the following cast members:  Steve Pasquale, Reiko Aylesworth, John Ortiz, Johnny Lewis and Robert Joy.  Pasquale is wanted for having the charisma of a Pringles chip, Aylesworth is wanted for being out acted by her tank top, Ortiz will be brought up on charges of being THE most ineffectual sheriff in movie history, but it is thought that Lewis may get off on a technicality because his screen presence was so transparent it may be difficult for a jury to prove he was actually in the movie.  It is also believed that even if Joy is convicted, he’ll receive a Presidential pardon for his stellar work in Death Wish V:  The Face of Death as the transvestite hitman with chronic dandruff.  One eyewitness said of the acting, “I’ve seen Dexy’s Midnight Runners videos with better acting than this film.”

 

If you happen to see Aliens vs. Predator:  Requiem (or as it’s known on the streets, AVP-R), the police advise you NOT to tell anyone as it may shame you for your entire life.

 

WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR REVIEW, ALREADY IN PROGRESS…

 

… I mean the filmmakers are SO clueless that they didn’t even remember that the title of the first film was ALIEN vs. Predator.  So wouldn’t that make this one ALIEN vs. Predator:  Requiem? 

 

That’s not to say there isn’t SOME fun to be had from the film.  The Hybrid Alien/Predator (it looks like Britney Spears with dreadlocks) is pretty cool, especially when French kissing pregnant women in the maternity ward, but one semi-neat biracial beastie can’t save the film. 

(2024 NOTE:  Yes, I know both franchises managed to survive this atrocity, but things certainly looked bleak back in ’07.)

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: LUST FOR DRACULA (2004) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Dracula (Darian Caine) comes to Los Angeles and seduces Mina Harker (Misty Mundae).  She turns Mina into a vampire, much to the chagrin of her wife, Johnathan (Julian Wells).  It’s then up to Abigail Van Helsing (Shelly Jones) to set things right.

We’ve seen plenty of lesbian vampire movies from Seduction Cinema, so what makes this one different?  Well, for starters, director Anthony Marsiglia likes to linger on shots of freshly shaven female genitalia.  So, that’s a plus.  

It’s also more serious and artsy than say, your typical John Bacchus movie.  That might sound appealing, but Marsiglia’s style is too erratic for its own good.  The constant crosscutting, dissolves, and cutaway shots during the action tends to get a bit irksome.  I guess he was trying to spice things up and make Lust for Dracula “respectable”, but it ultimately makes what should’ve been a straightforward sex scene confusing.  Maybe it was just Marsiglia’s way of disguising the fact that there was only about nine minutes of plot in a ninety-minute movie.

Still, there is scads of nudity to go around, which is nice.  Because of the odd editing techniques, you sometimes get two or three sex scenes happening simultaneously, which helps to beef up the Skinamax Score considerably.  (There is an even dozen nude and/or sex scenes in the first twenty minutes alone.)  The graphic close-ups of women touching themselves are near-hardcore, which helps make this one of the naughtier Seduction Cinema films in their catalogue.

After the odd first act, it finally settles into a fairly standard, low budget, modern-day retread of Dracula.  If you can get past the bizarre opening, it’s an okay lesbian vampire epic, even if it’s sluggishly paced and the sex becomes more infrequent as it goes along.  (Misty and Darian do get a hot nocturnal poolside scene before all is said and done.)  Then, there’s the ending which doesn’t really make sense, but were you really expecting coherence from an enterprise such as this?

I can’t say you’ll be lusting after this one any time soon, but Lust for Dracula isn’t bad.  It’s certainly far from the worst “serious” Seduction Cinema effort I’ve seen.  That is, if you consider a movie where Misty Mundae reads a children’s book to a bat “serious”.  

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BREATHLESS (1983) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 16th, 2008)

You know every film snob out there always goes on and on about the French New Wave and how great Jean-Luc Godard is and all that.  Frankly, I just don’t get it, man.  I mean the original Breathless is just a dull piece of poop.  This remake on the other hand is pretty fucking awesome.  I know you aren’t supposed to like the remake more than the original, but this movie, like A Fistful of Dollars and John Carpenter’s The Thing before it, outdoes its predecessor in every way. 

 

Honestly, this is the only movie I can think of in which Richard Gere is just flat out amazing.  Sure, he’s been in tons of stuff, but usually as Richard Gere.  This is Richard Gere, raw.  This was long before he started being all buddy-buddy with the Dali Llama.  This is Richard Gere, acting like a goddamn lunatic.  Seriously, he’s always twitching, moving around, talking to himself, singing, dancing, whipping his dick out, and talking like a Mexican for no good reason.  It’s as if Richard said, “Hey look I know my career is going to suck big time so I might as well just cram everything into this one performance.”

 

The plot is the inverse of the original.  Instead of a French hoodlum romancing an American girl, it’s an American thief romancing a French chick.  Basically, Gere plays a guy who’s obsessed with Jerry Lee Lewis and Silver Surfer comics who accidentally kills a cop and goes on the lam in LA.  He really should go to Mexico to hide out, but he refuses to go unless his Frenchy broad Valerie Kaprisky goes with him.  Even though she’s about as dumb as a box of crackers, Gere still wants her to come with him because of her habitual nakedness.  

 

The thing I love about Breathless is that Gere’s character is so out there that you never know what he’ll do next.  He’s just one crazy motherfucker.  Plus, he likes all the stuff I do, namely rock n’ roll, comic books and naked chicks, so he’s good people.  You get a feeling that he didn’t want to get typecast as the “romantic lead” so he just when fucking crazy.  I admire that.  He said, “You know what, they’re already paying me a truck load of cash for this movie, I might as well act like a goddamn maniac, talk like a Mexican every chance I get, and scream Jerry Lee Lewis lyrics at the top of my lungs.  Besides, I get to see Valerie Kaprisky naked a lot, so why not?”

 

Admittedly, Kaprisky is the weak link in the movie.  Her grating accent and look of perpetual boredom does not take away from the fact that she is one fucking hot French chick who likes to get naked a lot.  Respect.

 

Director Jim McBride bathes the movie in a seedy LA scumbag glow that’s genuinely winning.  The funky nightclubs, dingy back alleys and half empty movie theaters are a perfect milieu for Gere’s antics.  I also liked the way that he paralleled Gere’s predicament with that of the Silver Surfer.  Remember, this movie came out long before the mega-hit superhero movies of today, so seeing the Surfer featured so prominently in the film is a real treat for a fan of the comic like me.  

 

The flick is superb in almost everyway; it’s just a shame I have to knock a half a star off for featuring the most gratuitous cock shot of any movie ever made.  Seriously, if you are a man and you are taking a shower, do you just turn to the camera and shake your schlong uncontrollably for no good reason?  Didn’t think so.  I didn’t need to see Richard’s dick, so it’s only getting *** ½; otherwise it might have been Top Ten of ’83 material.  Don’t let Gere’s pee-pee stop you from checking the flick out though as the man is clearly at the top of his game, acting wise. 

 

He also gets some fucking great lines like, “Don’t take a shower.  I want us to smell like we’ve been fucking!” and “The moolah is in the coolah!”  My favorite line though came from cop John P. (Death Wish 4) Ryan who says, “Don’t F-U-C-K with the LAPD!”