THE FLAMING TEENAGE (1956) **

FORMAT:  VHS (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on September 8th, 2016)

The Flaming Teenage is a ‘50s scare film that just about covers all the bases. Not only does it condemn teen drinking, but also drugs and juvenile delinquency too. Too bad it’s just too uneven to work as a slice of dated parental propaganda.

An onscreen narrator, who sits behind a desk and reads from his script, addresses the audience. He tells us the plight of a young man who gets caught drinking and thrown in jail. His father’s solution: Take him to a bar! Brilliant! Once there, he recounts to his father the events that led him to prison. As the father and son look around the bar, they can see how alcohol has ruined the lives of the patrons. It’s here where our teenage hero wises up and quits drinking.

This sequence is great. I especially loved the hilarious attempts by the filmmakers to make drinking look glamorous. The long lingering shots of snaggletooth women leering at the camera are guaranteed to crack you up.

Then, the action switches over to a real-life account of Fred Garland. Fred is bored by his job at the candy store and starts drinking. He feels cramped by his small-town life, so he sells his shop and goes to the big city for a life of show business. Fred quickly drinks his way out of a job and eventually tries to commit suicide. He then gets hooked on smack and goes to jail before turning his life over to Christ.

Whereas the first segment was full of unintended hilarity, the “Fred Garland” sequence isn’t nearly as much fun. Sadly, the opening bit about teenage drinking is a mere fifteen minutes long, while Fred’s story takes up almost an hour. It’s just a shame that Fred’s scenes dominate the movie because they just can’t live up to the awesome opening scene.

Co-director Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr. (who did the Fred Garland sequence) went on to direct the immortal cult classic, The Blob.

AKA: Twice Convicted.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VAMPIRE VIXENS (2003) * ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Eugene (writer/director John Bacchus) is a nerd who still lives in his mom’s basement.  He brings Dracoola (Tina Krause) back to life by performing a ritual over her ashes, and she promptly drinks his blood for his trouble.  Dracoola then orders Eugene to murder Van Helsing’s descendent, Wally (John Paul Fedele), a slick CEO at “Big Business, Inc.” who has reverted back to his original nerdy state ever since Dracoola’s resurrection.  While Eugene stumbles around looking for Van Helsing, he spies on various women partaking in lesbian sex.

Your enjoyment of the movie may hinge on whether you can stand Bacchus and Fedele’s annoying nerdy performances or not.  I found most of the humor to be excruciating, myself.  A lot of the jokes revolve around shit, Fedele appearing in drag (as his own fairy godmother), and there’s a random scene with a scruffy looking Muppet that’s more perplexing than anything.  The only good joke is when Bacchus cuts away from the plot to a title card that reads, “Another Gratuitous Sex Scene”.

Speaking of which, it takes a good twenty minutes or so before anything remotely erotic happens.  Of course, I’m talking about the scene where Bacchus spies on Misty Mundae deflowering virginal Sandy Hitchcock.  It’s a tender and romantic scene that is far better than all the dumb comedy shit that preceded it.  Later, we get a series of scenes where A.J. Khan sexually harasses potential employees (including Darian Caine and Katie Jordan) during their job interviews.  They aren’t connected to the plot in any way, but they are the only things in the entire film that are worth a damn.

If it wasn’t for the sex scenes (especially Misty’s), Vampire Vixens would’ve been totally worthless.  Even then, much of the movie that doesn’t involve lesbian lovemaking is a chore to sit through.  Oh, and did I mention there’s only ONE Vampire Vixen?  What a rip-off!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HARD BOILED (1992) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 29th, 2011)

There’s a scene in John Woo’s The Killer where Chow Yun Fat and Danny Lee have a Mexican standoff in a hospital, but not an actual shootout. I have a feeling he must’ve regretted not staging an honest to God gun battle in that setting because in Hard Boiled, the action-packed finale takes place entirely in a hospital. And thank Christ that Woo decided to do so. Not only is the hospital scene one of the best action sequences ever put on film; it’s what makes Hard Boiled one of The Greatest Movies in the History of the Human Race.

Chow Yun Fat stars as a toothpick twirling cop named Tequila who plays in a jazz band. When a slimy gangster kills his partner, Tequila goes out for revenge. He joins forces with an undercover informant and together the duo learns that our villain is hiding an arsenal inside the local hospital. But just when Tequila discovers the cache of weapons, the bad guy decides to take the entire hospital hostage and it’s up to him to rescue the patients and save the day.

If you’re looking for a compelling story, then you’ll prefer The Killer over Hard Boiled as its plot is mostly just an excuse to stage some incredible action sequences. However, if it’s incredible action sequences that you crave, then there may not be a movie out there to rival Hard Boiled. (Also, Tequila is an infinitely cooler name for a Chow Yun Fat character than “Mickey Mouse”.)

The opening teahouse shootout sets the bar for the movie. From there on out, Woo continuously raises it. I mean if you think the part where Fat slides down the railing and blows away a bunch of bad guys is badass, wait until you get to the part where he jumps through the air covered in flour looking like a straight-up ghost. Fat lands on the bad guy, pointing his gun directly to his head; then he spits out his toothpick and blows the dude away as the guy’s blood splatters all over his face. I submit to you that there is no badder baddest badass scene in a movie than this one.

We also get a terrific sequence where a bunch of bad guys on dirt bikes ride into a warehouse and go around shooting the holy Hell out of everyone. Just when they think they’re hot shit and everything, Fat drops down from the ceiling with a shotgun and kicks an uncharted amount of ass. The part where he blows away three motorcyclists in rapid succession is the very epitome of action movie awesomeness.

The final hospital sequence is some of the finest action footage ever committed to film. You’ve heard of balls to the walls action? Well, the action in the finale is balls THROUGH the walls. From the scenes of Fat zipping around on morgue slabs and hospital gurneys to the ridiculous amount of collateral damage to the numerous shots of people crashing through windows to the amazing shootouts (the most impressive of which was done in one take, no less); everything about this sequence kicks ass. Of course the numero supremo moment comes when Fat rescues a baby from the burning hospital. When his legs catch on fire, the kid pisses on him to put out the flame! Amazing.

I guess when this first came out; we all sorta took it for granted that all Woo films would be exactly like the one-two punch of The Killer and Hard Boiled. Unfortunately, Woo moved to Hollywood where his insane eye for action was diluted by the studio suits. I’m not saying those Hollywood films are bad by any means (I happen to think Mission Impossible 2 is a batshit insane looney tunes WTF classic), but they lacked the resonance of those two films.

Still, I’d gladly take the diluted Woo stuff over what passes for action now. I’m sure Woo looks at all the shaky-cam bullshit/under choreographed/close-up laden action films today and just shakes his head. None of what comes out today is one hair of the nut sac of Hard Boiled.

AKA: The Hot-Handed God of Cops. AKA: Ruthless Super Cop.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE KILLER (1989) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 29th, 2011)

John Woo’s The Killer features some of the best shootouts ever filmed. It also features one of the baddest badass performances in this history of the cinema, courtesy of Chow Yun Fat. When you think John Woo, it's hard not to think of Chow Yun Fat; and vice versa. And for good reason. Together, they made some of the greatest action movies mankind has ever conceived. As far as the most dynamic director-actor pairings of all time, they are right up there with Scorsese and De Niro in my book.

My two favorite Woo-Fat collaborations are The Killer and Hard Boiled. It’s hard for me to really say which one I like better. The Killer has the better story, while Hard Boiled has more insane action sequences. I may have to give the edge to Hard Boiled because it’s so over the top, but that in no way diminishes my love for this movie.

Fat plays a hitman who accidentally blinds a nightclub singer. He takes pity on her and accepts one last hit to pay for an operation to restore her sight. Meanwhile, cop Danny Lee is on his trail, but he’s got a hunch that there’s more to Fat than meets the eye. Eventually, the two team up to take down Fat’s sleazy employer.

Even though I may slightly prefer Hard Boiled over The Killer, I do have to say that in terms of performance, this is Fat’s finest hour. He’s terrific as the harmonica playing hitman with a heart of gold. He plays the romantic scenes with the blind chick almost like Cary Grant and he plays the action sequences as good as anyone in the genre. And the transition from one to the other is seamless.

Likewise, Woo is able to juggle the drama with the mind-numbingly awesome action perfectly. In a lesser director’s hands, the romantic scenes in The Killer would’ve easily veered into melodrama. Woo however is able to ground the relationship stuff nicely in reality while allowing the action scenes to escalate into the realm of amazingness.

Seriously, you don’t need me to sit here and tell you how wonderful a John Woo action sequence can be. You already know there will be tons of slow motion, freeze frames, scenes of guys with guns in each hand flying through the air, shots of flying doves, and hundreds of thousands of rounds of ammunition fired. Woo’s use of slow motion during the action scenes turns the mayhem into pure cinematic poetry. People often compare him to Sam Peckinpah and Arthur Penn in his use of slow motion, but with The Killer; Woo became a brand name all his own and in this reviewer’s opinion, far outshined the competition. What makes the sequences in The Killer special is that they serve the story, so that when they occur, it’s not gratuitous violence for gratuitous violence’s sake.

But the gratuitous violence is what makes the movie one of my favorites. In a regular action movie, when the hero gets double-crossed; the villain calls on four or five guys to finish him off. In a John Woo movie, the villain calls on twenty or thirty. I particularly love the scene where a bunch of henchmen descend on Fat’s apartment dressed in white jumpsuits. They all look like they just came from a painting party or something. I can almost picture the bad guy saying, “Stop painting my house and pick up a submachine gun! We’ve got to kill The Killer!”

The quieter moments in the film resonate just as much though. I really love the scene where Fat and Lee are holding guns on each other and the blind chick comes into the room. Of course she can’t see this, so she carries a conversation with them as if nothing is going on. Some directors would’ve made this scene seem like a bad sitcom moment, but Woo manages to make it playful, yet still suspenseful. (I could’ve done without the scenes where Fat and Lee call each other “Mickey Mouse” and “Dumbo” though.)

Then there’s the downbeat ending. I won’t spoil it for anyone who’s not seen the film, but be prepared to be depressed. You won’t see that shit in a Hollywood movie; that’s for sure. Still, it works beautifully and is a perfect (albeit sad) note to end the movie on.

AKA: Blast Killer. AKA: Bloodshed of Two Heroes.

REMEMBERING GENE WILDER (2023) ***

Remembering Gene Wilder is an entertaining documentary about the great actor and comedian Gene Wilder.  It begins with his early childhood and how his mother’s illness shaped his comedy chops.  (A physician told him to “keep her laughing”.)  After acting on stage for a time, a chance meeting with Mel Brooks inspires him to cast Wilder in The Producers, cementing his legendary status.  

Much of the film centers around Wilder’s professional accomplishments.  The glimpses of the making of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory are particularly fun.  Naturally, a lot of time is spent on his collaborations with Brooks and his films with Richard Pryor.  His uneven tenure as a comedy director/star is also covered with films like The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes’ Smarter Brother, The World’s Greatest Lover, and Haunted Honeymoon.  The peeks into Wilder’s personal life are mostly limited to his romance with Gilda Radner, who sadly passed away from cancer a few years into their marriage.  Then after her death, he finds love yet again. 

Fans of Wilder will enjoy this for what it is.  Those expecting something more than a superficial fluff piece will probably be disappointed.  However, the flick is called Remembering Gene Wilder, not Exploring Gene Wilder.  Because of that, the interviews are warm and fuzzy rather than deep and probing.  As much as I liked the documentary, I can’t help but think that the filmmakers merely scratched the surface.  While the film touches on the tragedies in his life, they don’t dwell on them long enough to really show what made Wilder tick.  

Then again, I can’t really review the movie for what it SHOULD have been.  I can only judge it on what it is.  As such, Remembering Gene Wilder makes for an enjoyable trip down memory lane.  Any self-respecting fan of the man should check it out, even if you’ll probably walk away wanting a bit more.

SPECTERS (1989) **

While digging around in the catacombs underneath the Coliseum, professor Donald Pleasence accidentally awakens an ancient evil.  Naturally, a rival prof doesn’t care about that shit.  He just wants to get his hands on the trinkets Pleasance found down in the catacombs.  Pretty soon, a rubbery monster is running around the underground of Rome killing off the professor’s assistants. 

Specters is kind of disjointed as it has too many characters and not a whole lot of plot.  There are long stretches of it that doesn’t make much sense either.  Like most Italian horror flicks, you either go with it or you don’t.  Some of this works in fits and starts, but it has more fits than starts. 

I can only imagine how much more entertaining this all could’ve been had Pleasence overacted a little bit.  It probably wouldn’t have saved the movie, but it couldn’t have hurt.  Every time it looks like he has an opportunity to chew the scenery, he just passively drifts off.  It’s like he told the filmmakers, “Oh, I’d love to chew the scenery fellas, but you see I’m on a diet.  Doctor’s orders, you know.” 

Still, it’s not all bad.  There’s a cool dream scene reminiscent of Nosferatu, the Creature of the Black Lagoon-inspired monster during the movie-within-the movie scenes is pretty nifty, and we get some (but not much) gore, including throat ripping, head crushing, and face clawing.  There’s also a little T & A in there to spice things up, albeit not a whole lot.

The oddest moment comes when someone dies from falling into a stained-glass window in the shape of the MGM lion.  I’m not sure if that was a purposeful jab at the American studio system or what.  What I can say is that I haven’t seen that in a movie before.  Plus, the cheesy ’80s Italian fashions are good for a giggle or two. 

AKA:  Spectre.  AKA:  Catacombs.

THE ALL-NEW PET WORKOUT (2000) ****

I love old workout tapes.  I love Penthouse videos.  So, when I stumbled upon The All-New Pet Workout, it was kind of like confirming the existence of God. 

Unlike most workout videos, there is zero instruction here.  Just the barest whips of a premise and then… voila!  The models get naked.  What’s not to love? 

The first model, Gina Adore does a striptease atop a yoga ball, and boy… your balls will get a workout while watching this scene.  Then, two Pets hop in the pool and have a workout session.  And by “workout session”, I mean they eat each other’s ass cracks.  Shawn Young (not to be confused with Sean Young from No Way Out) then does some cursory stretching exercises before getting naked.  I’m so glad she spent thirty seconds stretching because it would’ve been a real shame if she got a cramp or something mid-striptease.  Next, Mellisa takes a hot sauna before deciding to add some more steam to the steam room by playing with herself.  Then, Isabella does a sexy workout routine before disrobing for the camera.  That kind of wipes her out, so afterwards she receives a hot oil massage from one of the other Pets.  Then, Mellisa comes back to lift weights for all about ten seconds before taking it all off.  After that, Shawn shows up as sort of a cross between a dominatrix and a personal trainer to do some one-on-one training.  This sequence is extremely hot and there is a lot of chemistry between the performers.  Young especially is a lot of fun to watch and gets into her routines with gusto.  

As far as nudie workout videos, this is about as good as it gets.  Even though the performers were unfamiliar to me, they were all spectacular.  In short, The All-New Pet Workout will have you working up a sweat!  It sure beats the hassle of getting a gym membership, I know that much. 

AKA:  Penthouse:  The All-New Pet Workout.