LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE SCREAMING DEAD (2003) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on April 18th, 2023)

A kinky photographer (Joseph Farrell) makes his sexy subjects pose for controversial pictures.  He brings his latest batch of models to a supposedly haunted mansion/former insane asylum for his next shoot.  Once on the grounds, the frantic photog sets about playing mind games with the models to mentally torture them so he can capture them in the appropriately frightened state of mind he wishes them to convey.  Unfortunately, the models’ fear awakens the malevolent spirit of the sadistic former owner of the house who sets out to torture and kill everyone unlucky enough to be trespassing on his property.  

Written and directed by Brett (A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell) Piper, The Screaming Dead boasts a solid set-up, and the haunted sanitarium makes for an atmospheric location.  The inclusion of Seduction Cinema starlets like Misty Mundae and A.J. Khan help add to the fun.  However, once the models begin being subjected to the photographer’s mental degradation, things sort of stall.  It also takes an inordinate amount of time before the supernatural elements start falling into place.  The scenes of the beefy security guard (Rob Monkiewicz) butting heads with the freaky photographer have a tendency to get repetitive too.  While there are still a number of neat moments (like when a face gets pushed through a wall), and some of the torture sequences are reminiscent of the old Corman/Poe movies from the ‘60s, the finale ultimately feels rushed and a little unsatisfying.  

Monkiewicz makes for a good upstanding square jaw hero.  Rachel Robbins is also quite strong as the secretary who puts up with Farrell’s increasingly cruel demands and manipulations.  Farrell is a bit grating as the human villain, although I guess that’s kind of the point.  Still, a little of his performance goes a long way.  Misty is the reason to watch it (of course) as she delivers yet another solid performance and looks great during her various nude scenes.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE CORPSE VANISHES (1942) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Of Bela Lugosi’s many cheap B and C grade movies he made in the early ‘40s after being fired by Universal, this is one of the best.  He’s a mad doctor who sends poisoned orchids to brides on their wedding day.  They die at the altar and Lugosi swipes the bodies en route to the morgue.  He uses the bodies to help his wife live forever.  A fast-talking journalist goes undercover as a bride to get the scoop and stop Lugosi.  Lugosi is as fun to watch as ever and is very cool while sleeping in his and her coffins with his wife.  Angelo (Freaks, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome) Rossito plays his assistant, and also co-starred with Bela in 1947’s Scared to Death (which is the only color Lugosi movie).

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: VOODOO MAN (1944) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As published in by book, Bloody Book of Horror)

Whenever a hot dame stops into creepy George Zucco’s gas station, he calls ahead to simpleton John Carradine to put up a fake detour sign further on down the road.  When she stops, Carradine kidnaps her and takes her to his boss, Bela Lugosi.  You see, Bela has been keeping his dead wife hanging around the house for twenty years and uses the hot women he kidnaps to bring her back to life through voodoo rituals.  A Hollywood screenwriter comes looking for the latest kidnap victim and winds up getting plenty of ideas for his latest picture.

Bela, sporting a serious goatee, is a lot of fun to watch.  Even though the budget was obviously low, he is totally invested here.  Like his role in Dracula, he keeps a harem full of women in flimsy negligees and looks deep into their eyes in scary close-ups.  Carradine and Zucco are a hoot too.  The scenes of Zucco wearing a hilarious tribal headdress while Carradine plays the bongos are priceless. 

Voodoo Man was a Monogram cheapie produced by Sam Katzman.  Since it features a hero that’s a Hollywood screenwriter, we get some pretty funny in-jokes along the way.  (He calls his boss “SK”.)  In the end, he turns his experiences into a screenplay.  When the producer asks him who should star in the film, he quips, “Why don’t you get Bela Lugosi?  It’s right up his alley!”

Brilliant.

The film is only an hour long, so it moves along at a snappy pace.  Directed by William “One Shot” Beaudine, Voodoo Man is much more atmospheric than the typical Monogram horror flick.  Although it's not as nutty as The Devil Bat or as fun as The Corpse Vanishes, it is an enormously entertaining Lugosi romp.  If you’re as big of a Lugosi fan as I am, you never under any circumstance pass up a chance to see Bela in a goatee hypnotizing women and fiddling around with mad scientist lab equipment. 

One interesting thing about Voodoo Man is that it almost feels like the inspiration for Manos:  The Hands of Fate.  There is a scene where Carradine tries to hit on one of “The Master’s” brides, just like Torgo.  Lugosi even wears a cloak that has a hand pattern sewed onto it!

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: RAZORBACK (1984) ** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 20th, 2020)

Razorback was the feature directing debut for Russell Mulcahy, who made quite a name for himself directing several music videos, most notably Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like the Wolf”.  (The band’s “New Moon on Monday” is even heard in one scene.)  Right away, it established the trademark style that would run throughout his career in films like Highlander, Ricochet, and The Shadow.  It was written by the prolific Everett de Roche, who was also responsible for a slew of other Ozploitation flicks of the era including Long Weekend, Patrick, and Road Games.

The film follows in the Jaws mold as it’s about a giant killer animal (in this case, an enormous boar) running amok and eating people.  (The crusty old big game hunter has more than a little bit of Quint in him.)  There’s also a touch of Psycho in there too as the female lead gets offed early on.  It probably could’ve done without the gratuitous opening that crassly exploits the “A dingo ate my baby” case, except… you know… with a giant boar instead of a dingo.

Beth (Judy Morris) is an American reporter who goes to the Australian outback to do a story on kangaroo poachers.  She sticks her nose in where it doesn’t belong, and pretty soon a pair of skeevy poachers try to have their way with her.  They are interrupted by the killer razorback and while they escape, the disgusting boar gobbles up poor Judy.  Her husband Carl (Gregory Harrison) soon arrives on the scene to get revenge on the putrid piggy with the help of a grizzled hunter (Bill Kerr) and a sexy college student (Arkie Whiteley).

Mulcahy’s cinematic gymnastics, coupled with the excellent cinematography by Dean (The Road Warrior) Semler help disguise the fact that Razorback is just another interchangeable When Animals Attack flick.  You know the old saying, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig?”  Well, there you go.  For fans of the genre, it should fit the bill.  The final showdown is solid and Mulcahy delivers at least one quality jump scare. 

The problem is the erratic pacing.  All the stuff at the beginning with the poachers feels like filler.  Almost as if the filmmakers wanted to squeeze in a “message” before getting down to the nitty gritty.  Also, unlike, say Steven Spielberg, Mulcahy can’t really milk the suspense for all its worth when he’s keeping the killer animal hidden from the audience’s view.  Whenever the razorback is shown in all its glory, the movie manages to come to life.  However, when Harrison (who makes for a dull leading man) is busy trekking through the outback or wasting his time with the annoying poachers, this boar is a bore.   

AKA:  Razorback:  Destructor.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: JOHNNY GOT HIS GUN (1971) ****

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on April 30th, 2010)

Joe (Timothy Bottoms) is a soldier who goes over to France to fight in WWI.  One day, he gets blown up by a mortar and wakes up in a military hospital.  Slowly, he begins to realize that he’s lost his arms, legs, eyes, nose, mouth, and ears in the explosion.  He’s basically just a living torso lying on a bed.  The doctors and nurses think he’s a vegetable, and keep him alive; changing his feeding tubes and bedpans regularly.  Since Joe is deaf and missing his mouth; he can’t communicate with the nurses and doctors who are constantly poking and prodding him.  Joe slips in and out of consciousness and has flashbacks of his father (Jason Robards) telling him the importance of serving in the military.  He also starts having hallucinations where he meets Jesus (Donald Sutherland), who unfortunately isn’t very helpful.  One of his nurses (Diane Varsi) takes pity on poor Joe and tries to talk to him by writing letters on his chest with her fingers.  Eventually, Joe finds a way to communicate back to her; but will the army listen to what he has to say?

 

You may remember Johnny Got His Gun from seeing clips of it in the Metallica video, “One”.  I’ll admit; watching it in bits and pieces in the video was pretty creepy.  That’s nothing compared to the movie itself.  It’s one of the darkest, bleakest, most depressing movies I have ever seen in my entire life.  It also happens to be brutally efficient, haunting, and unforgettable.  I’ll tell you one thing, I watched it late last night and a bed was the last thing I wanted to get into after seeing this movie.

 

Johnny Got His Gun has been called an anti-war movie.  It isn’t really.  It’s more of an emotional horror movie.  It sure freaked me out.  Particularly chilling was the scene of Jesus driving a train full of dead soldiers, Joe’s girlfriend calling his name in a hallucination while fading away, and of course, the end where Johnny continually calls out “SOS… Help me…” to an empty room.  And just wait until the hungry rat jumps on what’s left of Johnny’s face.  In addition, this movie also happens to feature the least sexy handjob in the history of motion pictures.

 

Seeing Johnny wearing a mask and flopping around on a bed for two hours while his inner monologue screams for help isn’t exactly what I call “entertaining”, but it sure is compelling.  If you only know this movie from seeing it in the Metallica video; you really owe it to yourself to check this out.  It’s definitely powerful stuff.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE DEVILS (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 11th, 2021)

I’ve heard so much about Ken Russell’s notorious film The Devils over the years that I guess I was bound to be somewhat disappointed by the time I actually saw it.  That’s not to say it’s a bad movie.  Far from it.  It looks great, has some terrific acting, and memorable set pieces.  It’s just far from the shocking spectacle I always pictured it to be. 

Maybe that’s because the version on Shudder is the American cut.  Apparently, the UK version is racier, but I guess us Yanks are too prudish to enjoy it.  (Which is weird given all that “Video Nasty” shit the Brits go on and on about.)  Even in its censored version, it’s still a solid flick.

Oliver Reed (who was also in Russell’s Tommy) stars as a priest with lust in his heart who knocks up a young virgin.  Vanessa Redgrave is the hunchback nun who has the hots for him, but naturally, he doesn’t give her the time of day.  Scorned, she plots her revenge by accusing him of witchcraft.  Soon, the townsfolk the priest has enraged along the way also team up to have him tortured and executed as a heretic. 

I’m sure The Devils was shocking as all get-out when it first came out.  I think the best thing I can say about it is that it went on to inspire the “Nunsploitation” craze of the ‘70s as well as the skeevy likes of such exploitation favorites as Mark of the Devil.  Any exploitation movie scholar should see it as this was the first of its kind (although The Conqueror Worm had similar witch hunting sequences, just without the religious overtones).  However, the films it would later inspire are a lot more depraved and nastier if you ask me.

Reed is great as the boastful priest.  His character is interesting because in a way, he kind of welcomes what’s coming to him if only so he can show his faith in God.  He’s a fornicator and a cheat, but he’s not exactly evil as he bravely defends his village and his congregation from outsiders seeking to tear down the city walls.  Redgrave is a hoot as the gnarled nun with a horny streak.  Too bad I didn’t get to see the uncut version where she apparently gets it on with a human bone.

Because it is a Ken Russell film, it looks beautiful, has some impressive (sometimes exhausting) camerawork, and is gleefully over the top.  However, it’s not particularly scary or shocking.  I guess that all depends on your upbringing.  If you were a choirboy, I’m sure it will all seem quite blasphemous.  To someone like me who is well-versed in exploitation movies and gross-out horror, it was just another day at the office. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: UNINVITED (1988) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 5th, 2018)

Uninvited is the best mutant-cat-escapes-from-a-genetics-research-lab-and-stows-aboard-a-yacht-carrying-young-spring-breakers-and-old-character-actors-and-picks-them-off-one-by-one movie I’ve ever seen.  It’s longwinded, preposterous, uneven, and downright bizarre, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Believe me when I tell you there is some truly special shit in this flick.  

Remember in Alien when the alien opened its mouth and another mouth jumped out?  Well, when the cat in Uninvited opens its mouth ANOTHER CAT jumps out and mauls the humans.  Incredible.  

This was made by Greydon Clark, who is admittedly all over the map in terms of quality.  Once in a blue moon you get a Black Shampoo from Greydon.  Most times though, it’s something like Angels Revenge.  Thankfully, Uninvited in closer to the Black Shampoo end of the spectrum.  

Probably my favorite moment comes when a kindhearted gas station attendant takes pity on the cat and gives it a saucer of milk.  Minutes later, he is killed by a gunman during a robbery.  What does the cat do?  It stows away in the getaway vehicle and GETS REVENGE!  Holy Shit, is this movie awesome or what?

I haven’t even told you about the scene where it turns guys wearing Jiffy Pop colored hazmat suits into hamburger.  Or the part where Clu Gulager (who’s sporting a pair of hilarious fake teeth and some serious Coke bottle glasses) pisses it off and it tears him a new one.  Or the elongated aerobicizing scene.  (“I think you’re better than Jane Fonda!”)  Or the scene where Sheri Shattuck eats food tainted with radioactive cat blood and her throat erupts in bloody sores quicker than you can say Meow Mix.  

It’s PG-13, so the make-out scenes between the teens don’t feature any nudity.  That’s okay though because the scene of cat-us interruptus is classic.  It also contains one of the greatest white-teens-with-no-rhythm-trying-to-dance scenes of the ‘80s.

Sure, the third act is a mess, especially during the cat-less portions.  I won’t even bring up the fact that even though it was released in 1988, it looks like it was filmed in ’81.  Just do me a favor.  Before you sit down to watch Uninvited, ask yourself one question:  Am I the kind of person who wants to see George Kennedy’s Achilles torn out by a demon Muppet cat?  If the answer is a resounding “FUCK YEAH!”, then you’re sure to have a great time.

AKA:  Killer Cat.