GIGANTIC HEROINE: ASTRO VENUS (2016) **

After watching Giant Hermaphrodite Heroine:  Planet Woman, I was curious to check out another Sci-Fi Tokusatsu porno from Giga Co. Ltd.  Unfortunately, Gigantic Heroine:  Astro Venus isn’t nearly as crazy, interesting, fun, or sexy as that classic. 

After a lady cop is killed in the line of duty, a light comes down from the skies and resurrects her.    When monsters attack the city, a giant super heroine tries to fend them off.  Meanwhile, her boss tries to force himself on her and after he gets his rocks off, there’s another monster attack.  Astro Venus successfully prevents the giant lizard from destroying the city but is powerless when a giant astro man wants to bang her in the middle of the city.  (At least I think that’s what happened.  The version I saw didn’t have subtitles.)

As with Giant Hermaphrodite Heroine:  Planet Woman, the monster battles are surprisingly well done.  The model cities are excellent and if you didn’t know any better, you’d assume the rubber monster suits came out of a legit Ultraman show.  Because of that, the monster mashing is easily the best thing in the movie as the XXX sequences are of surprisingly low quality. 

The fetishes this time around seem to involve electrocuting an Ultraman style heroine and being sexually assaulted by your boss.  Sadly, the scene where the heroine’s superior forces himself on her goes on far too long (it pretty much takes up the entire second act) and isn’t very erotic to boot.  The big finale where the two giant superheroes bone starts off promising, but it winds up being anticlimactic (in more ways than one) as the film just sort of ends mid-scene, which is a big disappointment. 

Despite this one being a dud, it probably won’t stop me from checking out more Giga Co. Ltd. movies somewhere down the road.  I just hope the next one features more pseudo-Ultraman boning. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: HELP WANTED FEMALE (1968) *** ½

Directed by the great John (Grave of the Vampire) Hayes, Help Wanted Female is one of the nuttiest sexploitation films I’ve seen in years.  In the fun opening sequence, a seemingly milquetoast woman picks up a guy and balls him.  When he catches her trying to pinch his wallet, she karate chops the crap out of him and steals his briefcase. 

Another hooker goes on a date with a high roller client who takes LSD.  (“You won’t go ape on me, will you daddy?”)  He then tells her a flashback how his old girlfriend, desperate for kicks, asked him to cut her.  They then decide to up the ante by picking up a young hitchhiker who they invite back to their pad.  There, they have her pose for nude photos before stabbing her to death. 

To tell anymore would be doing the potential viewer a disservice.  Suffice to say, you won’t know where this crazy ass flick is going next.  Sure, the narrative is a little on the messy side, but that kind of works in the movie’s favor since you’re never quite sure what it has up its sleeve next.  The last twenty minutes are a fever dream of WTF zaniness.  Plus, some of the musical choices are about as unhinged as the characters’ actions. 

Not only is the cast stacked with immensely appealing ladies, they also have some considerable screen presence.  You may be as busy paying attention to them as you are to the increasingly ludicrous plot.  Sexy Dianne Michaels takes the acting honors as the kick-happy Barbara whose amoral antics are fun to watch.  Inga Olsen is also engaging as the go-go dancing Luana.  Joy Khal also makes a memorable impression as the ill-fated hitchhiker.  It’s Lucki Winn who will endear herself to you most as the karate-chopping sexpot Jo Jo.  Despite the title, these females don’t NEED any help! 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AROUSED (1966) ****

FORMAT:  DVD

Aroused is an outstanding sexploitation roughie that plays like a precursor to the giallo and slasher genres.  There’s a “sex killer” on the loose that gets his kicks from murdering prostitutes.  When a hooker named Ginny (Janine Lenon) finds her lover has been killed by the creep, she vows to castrate him.  Johnny (Steve Hollister) is a determined cop on the case and together, he makes an uneasy alliance with Ginny to bring down the killer. 

Seedy and atmospheric, this one packs a real wallop.  The opening scene is particularly effective as the killer sneaks up on his victim in the shower before strangling her.  The constant freeze frames accompanied by the sounds of his various childhood traumas on the soundtrack is downright hair raising. 

Aroused isn’t your typical sexploitation flick.  There’s a surprising amount of artistry here that few genre films can muster.  The camerawork is efficient, and often maximizes the frame and fills it in interesting and compelling ways.  The jazzy score is freaking amazing too, and coupled with the extremely moody lighting, adds to the overall sense of atmosphere.

The film is packed with several memorable scenes, like when our heroine stumbles into the killer’s abode and finds a bunch of decapitated mannequin heads strewn about.  (I wonder if Bill Lustig watched this before he made Maniac.)  There’s even a suspenseful cat and mouse scene in an elevator that would put some big budget Hollywood thrillers to shame.  The ending is unforgettable too. 

Incredibly enough, this was leading lady Lenon’s only role.  She’s excellent in this and it’s a shame she didn’t appear in more films.  Director Anton Holden only made a handful of movies (including Teenage Tramp) before working in the sound department on several prestigious TV movies like The Tuskegee Airmen and Buffalo Girls.  Exploitation’s loss is TV’s gain, I guess. 

In short, Aroused is a certified classic ripe for discovery.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: RENT-A-GIRL (1965) *** ½

FORMAT:  DVD

Rent-a-Girl kicks off with a great opening credits sequence and an even better theme song.  (You’re guaranteed to have it stuck in your head days after you watch it.)  The beginning is almost set up like an old scare picture from the ‘30s, as a frightened Karen (Barbara Wood) recounts her sordid past to an authority figure.  We then flashback to learn how she got into this whole mess.  Seems she moved into an apartment and tried to fit in with the swinging “art” scene of her neighbors.  It doesn’t take long before she begins posing nude for them.  Turns out, the couple are really pimps whose girls specialize in “maid services” and being nude models for seedy artists and sleazy photographers.  Naturally, when Karen’s fiancé finds out she’s been posing for smutty pictures, he calls off the wedding.  Karen quickly spirals from there and eventually, her neighbors trick her into joining their secret BDSM society. 

This wild and fun New York roughie (from Cambist Films, who would later go legitimate by releasing such favorites as Vampyres and The Crazies) features a little something for everybody.  There’s whipping, body painting, hosing, and spanking.  The highlight is the wonderful party scene that culminates with a game of “strip pool”.  It’s also full of cool camerawork, interesting lighting, and some great music.  

Sure, a few of the actresses are less than photogenic.  (Although softcore beauties like Gigi Darlene and Darlene Bennett make brief appearances.)  However, their willingness to disrobe more than makes up for it.  Some of the acting is bad too (actors flub their lines and/or are obviously reading from cue cards), but hey, with this much smut to go around, I’m sure you won’t even notice and/or care. 

Director William L. Rose went on to direct The Girl in Room 2A and the legendary (and sadly, lost) exploitation flick, The Smut Peddler. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: TOO HOT TO HANDLE (1950) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Too Hot to Handle is essentially an hour-long filmed burlesque act.  Things kick off with a lounge singer performing the title song while he’s surrounded by dancing blondes.  Then, a Latina does a Spanish style striptease followed by a comedian who does the old “7 x 13 = 28” routine that Abbott and Costello used to do.  That’s followed by a bubbly blonde named Melodee Lane stripping and another so-so comedy sequence.  Next, a woman performs a song called “Hot Nuts” before doing a striptease.  Afterwards, we get another unfunny comic act followed by another striptease by the energetic Melodee, this time on a producer’s casting couch.  Things continue with more (sigh) comedy acts before the showstopping PatIy Waggin performs a long “Parisian” number. 

All this works better as a filmed historical record of a bygone era of entertainment than… actual entertainment.  I don’t even think the film lived up to its title back in the ‘50s as it offers more tease than please.  Even as far as burlesque movies go, this one doesn’t quite cut the mustard.  The stripping scenes are about par for the course (although Melodee Lane is rather fun to watch), but many of the comedy routines (other than the math segment) aren’t funny and go on too long.  Still, the mercifully brief hour-long running time is appreciated. 

While neither A Virgin in Hollywood nor Too Hot to Handle are classics by any means, Something Weird’s “Best of Burlesque” two-disc set is still well worth owning.  Any fan of old school smut will enjoy this head-spinning collection featuring hours of old striptease reels (some of which are in 3-D), burlesque acts, and trailers.  This is one case where a collection is more than a sum of its parts as the films themselves are easily outshone by the extras.  It all shows once again why Something Weird is the best in the business. 

AKA:  Fig Leaf Frolics.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: A VIRGIN IN HOLLYWOOD (1953) **

FORMAT:  DVD

A small-town reporter is given the plum assignment of going to Hollywood and doing a sordid tell-all on the seamy side of show biz.  Trouble is, she’s a homely virgin who’s unacquainted with sin.  Luckily for her, the first day on the job she stumbles upon a cheesecake photo shoot in the Hollywood Hills.  Later, she gets invited to a burlesque show.

Smack dab in the middle of this relatively tame and honestly rather dull flick, there are two five-minute 3-D interludes to spice up the proceedings.  This first is called “Dance of the Blonde Slave’s Revenge”.   A slave girl is unchained by her captor who makes her do a Bobby and Cissie routine.  She eventually stabs him in the back and escapes.  This sequence is mild and brief, but it does have a bottle and a pair of arms coming out at the audience. 

Next up is “Madonna and Her Bubbles”.  In this segment, a dancer blows bubbles out into the audience before doing an energetic dance routine.  The only 3-D effects are bubbles and arms stretching out into the audience, but this sequence is fun, mostly because of the dancer’s energy.  Then it’s back to the “main” plot. 

Our intrepid reporter next goes undercover as a cheesecake model before going on a series of bad blind dates.  There’s even a scene where she encounters a drag performer.  It all ends with her getting a job as a lingerie model and getting into a cat fight with another jealous model.  Luckily, her editor swoops in at the last minute to take her away from all this tawdriness. 

A Virgin in Hollywood may have been downright scandalous at the time of its original release, but watching it now, it all seems quaint and a tad boring.  Thankfully, the incongruous 3-D scenes, which are honestly nothing to write home about, make the whole experience at the very least memorable. 

The reporter gets the best line of the movie when she asks her gal pal, “Did you ever feel as though you swallowed an electric vibrator?”

AKA:  The Side Streets of Hollywood.  AKA:  Should a Girl Say Yes?

SUPERARGO AND THE FACELESS GIANTS (1971) ***

A mad scientist (Guy Madison) is kidnapping the world’s greatest athletes and turning them into mind-controlled automatons who do his bidding.  Secret agent Superargo (once again played by Giovanni Cianfriglia) is put on the case and returns to the wrestling ring to set a trap for the so-called “Faceless Giants”.  (It’s at this point of the review that I should note that the Faceless Giants all have faces and aren’t all that giant, but never mind.)  Superargo eventually convinces the deadly doctor’s hot assistant (Diana Lorys) to switch sides to help him defeat the mechanical monsters once and for all. 

I had a lot of fun with Superargo Against Diabolicus, so I decided to immediately run out and watch this goofy sequel.  Turns out, it’s even better.  Like the first flick, it feels like an Italian version of an El Santo movie.  This time out, there’s a heavier concentration of Sci-Fi silliness, which makes it enormously entertaining.  The Faceless Giants look like dudes in dime store robot costumes with coffee urns on their head and pantyhose over their faces.  I also liked that Superargo now trains with an Indian mystic and has mastered the art of levitation, telepathy, and blowing stuff up with his mind (although it never comes in handy, go figure).  Plus, there’s even more wrestling here than in the original, which is a bonus.  The groovy jazzy score also kicks a lot of ass. 

As with Superargo Against Diabolicus, the film has a tendency to drag whenever it becomes a little plot heavy.  The second act in particular is rather patchy, and the finale lacks the sustained silliness of the early going.  That’s really me just nitpicking.  Ultimately, whenever Superargo is punching the daylights out of goofy looking robot men, it’s damn good times. 

AKA:  The Invincible Superman.  AKA:  Superargo the Giant.  AKA:  The King of Criminals.  AKA:  Superargo.