RETARD-O-TRON VIDEO MIXTAPE VOL. 1 (2005) ***

From the twisted minds at Cinema Sewer comes a jaw dropping collection of messed-up video clips guaranteed to boggle the mind and distress the stomach.  This was basically the forerunner of viral internet video clips.  Since it’s a mixtape, the success rate of seeing clips that have actual entertainment value is hit and miss.  Most of the scenes are of home video oddities, disgusting porn clips, Jackass wannabes, skateboard and bike stunt fails, Japanese kid’s shows, movie trailers, WTF music videos, live newscast bloopers, and parking lot fights.  I guess your enjoyment of these clips will depend on your interests.  I kinda dug it, but your mileage may vary. 

The best moments are the promos for failed TV pilots.  The most memorable is Steel Justice, about a cop’s dead son who is reincarnated as a robot dinosaur.  (Yes, you read that right.)  The bizarre music video by David Hasselhoff is a close second though. 

Obviously, the porno scenes won’t be for everyone.  For me, they almost played like an X-rated mondo movie that showed everything that the old mondo movies only hinted at but dared not show.  There are scenes of guys sticking cigarettes in their dick hole, ripping bong hits out of girls’ asses, and lots of vomit and shit.  You’ve been warned. 

Some of the clips I recognized were from the Kekko Kamen live-action movie, Let My Puppets Come, Long Jeanne Silver, and Deadly Weapons.  For the most part though, I didn’t have a clue what I was watching half the time, which is about the best thing I can say about it.  Hearing The Cramps, Richard Cheese, The B-52’s, and The Ramones playing over some of the clips was kind of fun too.  Honestly, I could’ve done without all the bike riding accidents, fake Jackass shit, and footage of real fights, but there’s something here to offend everybody, which is the way I guess it should be with something like this. 

DEBBIE DOES DAMNATION (1999) ** ½

A skull-crab monster helps a naked woman escape the clutches of a cannibalistic serial killer.  She then agrees to go to Hell on a quest to find the devil’s horns.  (When’s the last time you heard a plot description start off like this?)  She dies pretty fast, so it’s then up to Debbie (Jeanin Lake) a naked blonde who gets accidentally dropped into Hell by her guardian angel, to finish the job. 

Made for peanuts, and shot in black and white on Super 8, Debbie Does Damnation is sort of a mini marvel.  Produced by the unlikely pair of Donald G. (Roller Blade) Jackson and composer Robert O. Ragland (who did the music for many Charles Bronson movies), it features some great (and not so great) stop-motion special effects.  Parts reminded me of Eraserhead, Basket Case, and Tetsuo the Iron Man.  Of course, any movie you can say that about is bound to be uneven as hell. 

And yes, the plot is fractured, and the whole thing looks piecemeal, but that’s kind of the charm.  All this is admittedly fun for a while.  However, I started to mentally check out during the second half when the overreliance on poorly choreographed sword fights threatens to sink it.  (The sword fights with naked chicks are okay though.)  Thankfully, it clocks in at a brief fifty minutes, which is about the expiration date for this sort of thing.  Even then, it still feels overlong in some places. 

One and done starlet Jeanin Lake is quite good as Debbie.  The most fun though comes from seeing Michael Sonye (AKA:  Dukey Flyswatter from Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama) and perennial tough guy William (Darker Than Amber) Smith popping up in supporting roles.  Say what you will about the movie, but it contains the only scene in cinema history where the lead singer of Haunted Garage decapitates Conan the Barbarian’s dad, so it has that going for it. 

I can’t say Debbie Does Damnation is “good” exactly because it’s way too patchy.  I can say that I certainly admire the chutzpah that went into the making of it.  Sometimes chutzpah is all you need.  Sometimes. 

Writer/director Eric Brummer went straight into directing porn after this. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1987) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

I’m kind of surprised I have never reviewed Nail Gun Massacre as it was always a staple of the Lovell household growing up.  During the waning days of VHS rentals, we had a place up the road called Dawn’s Video where you could rent ten movies for ten days for ten bucks.  It was a steal.  Unfortunately, sometimes finding ten movies you actually are going to watch was difficult.  Sometimes, you were forced to rent any old thing just to make it to ten tapes.  Nail Gun Massacre started out as one of those “rent any old thing” rentals, but it quickly grew into a beloved staple of our movie nights for my friends and me. 

A woman is raped by a gang of rowdy construction workers.  When the deed goes unpunished, a nail gun-toting vigilante wearing combat fatigues and motorcycle helmet picks them off one by one while spouting one-liners so unfunny that they become downright hilarious in spite of themselves. 

For example, when a guy accidentally pisses on the killer’s shoes, he says, “You pissed me off!” before shooting him in the dick with the nail gun.  This scene rivals the elf embryo scene in Elves for the most rewound and rewatched scene in the Lovell household. 

At least that joke makes sense.  There are also one-liners that are so abstract that it’s hard to tell what the killer even means.  When two construction workers say they’re going to play a game, the killer clutches his fists, looks to the heavens and says, “Games!  Games!  I’ll make death a game!”  I guess you had to be there. 

Even if the lines themselves aren’t funny, the killer’s delivery is hysterical.  For whatever reason, he sounds like a mix of John Wayne and Darth Vader.  I don’t know why his voice sounds like this.  I know he’s wearing a motorcycle helmet on his head, but that wouldn’t make his voice all computerized and echo like that. 

Then again, if you start asking too many questions about things like logic during Nail Gun Massacre, you won’t have any fun.  I can’t quite call it a classic though since some of the stretches in between the killing can be downright dull at times.  However, the finale is so inept that you’re liable to rewind and rewatch it as many times as me and my friends did back in the day. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Oh, and yes, you read that right.  This was released in 4K!  I can’t fucking believe it.  Nail Gun Massacre in 4K.  What a time to be alive.  Needless to say, it looks about as good as you could expect Nail Gun Massacre to look.  As far as presentation and preservation go, I would say the good folks at Terror Vision… ahem… nailed it. 

AKA:  Carnage.  AKA:  Nail Gun of Revenge Execution Hunter.  AKA:  Texas Nail Gun Massacre.

RENFIELD (2023) ***

Nicolas Cage has already starred in the definitive vampire comedy, Vampire’s Kiss.  Because of that, appearing in this horror-comedy reboot of Dracula seems a little like overkill.  After about five minutes you realize that overkill is the name of the game as blood spews everywhere and bodies explode into tiny pieces.  I guess if you’re gonna go over the top, you might as well hang ten. 

The film has a neat conceit.  Renfield (Nicholas Hoult) has been serving Dracula for close to a hundred years and the Count has put him through so much that he has to go to therapy.  He goes to a group session that specializes in toxic relationships and uses the members’ awful abusers to feed his boss.  When Renfield meets a spunky cop played by Awkwafina he gets the courage to stand up to the Count. 

Director Chris (The Lego Batman Movie) McKay is obviously having fun with the concept.  The recreations of the 1931 original with Cage doing a spot-on Lugosi are fantastic.  I kinda wish there was more of these scenes, but it’s obvious all involved wanted to push the story forward instead. 

However, it’s only half successful.  While the stuff with Hoult and Cage is great fun, the unnecessary subplot with Awkwafina trying to arrest the Mob family responsible for her father’s demise is just baffling.  I will say that having a vampire engage in Hong Kong-style fight scenes is kinda neat (there’s even a nod to The Street Fighter).  It’s just that whenever her character is onscreen, it drags the entire movie down. 

The idea of a Dracula movie from Renfield’s point of view is ingenious.  I just don’t know who thought adding a bunch of mobsters and a dull cop revenge subplot was a good idea.  I mean you have Nic Cage as Dracula!  I can understand putting him in the background to focus on Renfield, but to just forget about him completely while all the cops and robbers bullshit plays out is befuddling to say the least. 

Cage occasionally sways back into his Vampire’s Kiss accent (particularly while in his burn make-up) but that’s forgivable, especially when he cranks it up to 11 on some of his line deliveries.  (“I AM THE REAL VICTIM HERE!”)  Hoult is a good foil for him and the chemistry is there between them.  I just wish the movie wasn’t so concerned with the lame Mob plot and allowed the both of them to truly shine. 

The gore is pretty inventive and frequently funny.  I mean we’ve all seen movies where a guy gets his arm ripped off and it’s then used as a weapon.  This is the first movie where a guy’s arm is ripped off and it’s used to impale another guy to the wall. 

So, when Renfield works, it’s a home run.  When it doesn’t, it’s kind of a mess.  All the stuff with Awkwafina’s storyline is mid at best.  However, when the blood is flying, and Cage is chewing the scenery, Renfield is damn near irresistible. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE BIG SNATCH (1971) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

A junkie named Harry (George Peters) is in need of a fix, so he robs a gal at knifepoint in an alley.  She just wants to fuck, so Harry obliges her before roughing her up and taking her dough.  As fate would have it, she’s a member of a badass girl gang called the She Devils, and now they are looking to clean Harry’s clock.  He hides out with a friend named Ruby (Joan Boote), but the gang quickly find Harry and pounce on him.  And by “pounce on him” I mean “force him and his pal into a having reverse gang bang”. 

Even though it’s a cheap porno, The Big Snatch has moments where it actually looks and feels like a “real” movie.  The location work is great and some of the camerawork is surprisingly professional looking.  That said, it’s still a cheap porno.  Despite the decent production values, it still features some of the worst dubbing during the sex scenes I’ve ever heard.  The same sound effect of a girl moaning “mmph mmph” is heard about a thousand times (even when her lips are clearly not moving) in different scenes.  The music also stops abruptly and or completely changes to another song at some points too. 

At the end of the day, the sex scenes are solid, which is really all that matters.  The opening stick-up/stick it in scene has a bit of a kick to it and gets things off to a strong start.  The big ball free for all in the finale is surprisingly steamy too.  (Especially when the participants bang on a waterbed and take advantage of the motion of the ocean.)  Boote is also quite fetching as Ruby, the hooker with a heart of gold. 

Oh, and for a movie called The Big Snatch, all the snatches looked fairly small and tight from where I was sitting, so that was a plus. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SUCKULA (1973) **

FORMAT:  DVD

They Live’s George “Buck” Flower stars as the host of a news program doing a show about vampires living in Los Angeles.  During the broadcast, we see “actual footage” of vampires (actually vampire themed stag loops).  The program is also interrupted several times by commercials that pop up every now and then.   

There’s a lot of different ways to do a vampire themed porno movie.  This wouldn’t have been my preferred method.  The news segments are thin at best and the commercials feel more like padding than anything else.  While Suckula doesn’t exactly suck-ula, it’s not very good-ula either. 

The big problem of course is that all the comedy shit simply isn’t funny.  The commercial parodies run on way too long and even worse, don’t even contain actual jokes.  It’s all set-up and no follow through.  The other hang-up is that it isn’t very sexy either.  I mean It’s hard to get worked up when a vampire is mugging like Rodney Dangerfield while getting head.  Then again, If you ever wanted to see a guy eating a girl out while wearing cheap plastic vampire fangs, well here it is.  (For the sake of variety, a vampire woman appears and seduces a man in the final fuck scene.)

It’s not all bad though.  The music is surprisingly good.  In fact, one scene is set to Paul Simon’s “Love Me Like a Rock” which plays on a loop.  I wonder if the filmmakers actually licensed the tune or if the actresses in the movie rubbed peters to pay Paul. 

And while his shtick doesn’t exactly translate into laughs, it’s always fun seeing Flower (who also appears in drag in a couple of scenes) mugging for the camera.  Too bad he was given such (pardon the pun) limp material to work with.  Overall, Suckula just lacks bite. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE CULT OF AGFA TRAILER SHOW (2023) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

The good folks at AGFA bring us another wild and wooly collection of drive-in movie trailers, oddball commercials, and pop culture ephemera.  This one kicks off with an assortment of theater ads, concession stand shorts, and dated futuristic looking commercials.  (There’s also an intermission about halfway through containing similar ads.)  Then, we get a rather good assemblage of trailers spanning many genres and decades. 

Included here are previews for Asian action and horror flicks (Robotrix, Sex Beyond the Grave, Angel Terminator, Versus, Black Magic, and Bewitched), weird kids movies (C.H.O.M.P.S., The Peanut Butter Solution, The Secret of Magic Island, Pinocchio’s Birthday Party, and Starchaser:  The Legend of Orin in 3-D), documentaries (The Decline of Western Civilization 2:  The Metal Years, The Best of the New York Erotic Film Festival, and The Mysterious Monsters), certified cult classics (Meet the Feebles, Brain Damage, Forbidden Zone, Death Race 2000, Escape from New York, Blood Diner, and Frankenhooker), total crap (Birds 2:  Land’s End, Slapstick of Another Kind, Tentacles, and Meatballs 4), '80s time capsules (Body Rock, Rad, Foxes, Times Square, Tuff Turf, and Munchies), Manson movies (The Other Side of Madness and The Manson Family), as well as Various oddities (Sins of Rachel, Another Son of Sam, and an unidentified Mexican action movie). 

Sometimes the whiplash in tone from trailer to trailer provides the biggest laughs, like going from Cocaine Wars to Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer or from Tough Beauty and the Sloppy Slop to Eraserhead.  As with most of AGFA’s “mixtapes”, the editing is often mischievous.  Remember when the Gremlins took over the projection booth?  It’s kind of like that as some scenes are repeated (like Cocaine Wars) or altered for comedic effect.  Some are shortened or abbreviated for pacing purposes. However, if you want to watch the uncut trailers, they are also included on the disc for posterity along with some funny shorts using some of the same kind of editing techniques.  (My favorite was “Rated R”, a collection of gravelly voiced narrators gravely stating movie titles.)

I will say it was odd for me seeing newer movies included here.  Yes, I know they are twenty to thirty years old, but they still feel new to me.  Such titles include The Doom Generation, Strangers with Candy, Psycho Beach Party, Suture, and Accion Mutante.  Your mileage (and age) will probably vary though.  That in no way takes away from the fun.