LET’S GET PHYSICAL: NAIL GUN MASSACRE (1987) ***

FORMAT:  4K UHD

I’m kind of surprised I have never reviewed Nail Gun Massacre as it was always a staple of the Lovell household growing up.  During the waning days of VHS rentals, we had a place up the road called Dawn’s Video where you could rent ten movies for ten days for ten bucks.  It was a steal.  Unfortunately, sometimes finding ten movies you actually are going to watch was difficult.  Sometimes, you were forced to rent any old thing just to make it to ten tapes.  Nail Gun Massacre started out as one of those “rent any old thing” rentals, but it quickly grew into a beloved staple of our movie nights for my friends and me. 

A woman is raped by a gang of rowdy construction workers.  When the deed goes unpunished, a nail gun-toting vigilante wearing combat fatigues and motorcycle helmet picks them off one by one while spouting one-liners so unfunny that they become downright hilarious in spite of themselves. 

For example, when a guy accidentally pisses on the killer’s shoes, he says, “You pissed me off!” before shooting him in the dick with the nail gun.  This scene rivals the elf embryo scene in Elves for the most rewound and rewatched scene in the Lovell household. 

At least that joke makes sense.  There are also one-liners that are so abstract that it’s hard to tell what the killer even means.  When two construction workers say they’re going to play a game, the killer clutches his fists, looks to the heavens and says, “Games!  Games!  I’ll make death a game!”  I guess you had to be there. 

Even if the lines themselves aren’t funny, the killer’s delivery is hysterical.  For whatever reason, he sounds like a mix of John Wayne and Darth Vader.  I don’t know why his voice sounds like this.  I know he’s wearing a motorcycle helmet on his head, but that wouldn’t make his voice all computerized and echo like that. 

Then again, if you start asking too many questions about things like logic during Nail Gun Massacre, you won’t have any fun.  I can’t quite call it a classic though since some of the stretches in between the killing can be downright dull at times.  However, the finale is so inept that you’re liable to rewind and rewatch it as many times as me and my friends did back in the day. 

4K UHD NOTES:

Oh, and yes, you read that right.  This was released in 4K!  I can’t fucking believe it.  Nail Gun Massacre in 4K.  What a time to be alive.  Needless to say, it looks about as good as you could expect Nail Gun Massacre to look.  As far as presentation and preservation go, I would say the good folks at Terror Vision… ahem… nailed it. 

AKA:  Carnage.  AKA:  Nail Gun of Revenge Execution Hunter.  AKA:  Texas Nail Gun Massacre.