ORIGINAL REVIEW:
(As posted on August 18th, 2007)
Road House is the ultimate Patrick Swayze movie. Ghost maybe his highest grossing movie and the chicks may love him in Dirty Dancing, but consider this: Does Ghost feature Swayze ripping out people’s throats while spouting out Eastern Philosophy? Didn’t think so. As for Dirty Dancing, I think I’ll pass on any film featuring Swayze prancing around in a leotard. No matter how “dirty” the dancing.
The plot of Road House isn’t much different of that of an old Western (right down to the names of the characters: Doc, Dalton, Cody, Morgan, Red, etc.) where John Wayne would ride into town and find the villain extorting money from the townsfolk, killing people and generally not being a nice guy. The Duke would come in, put a damper on the bad guy’s operation, while finding time to make some new friends and find a purdy lady to settle down with. Actually the plot of Road House isn’t too far off from your average Incredible Hulk episode except that Swayze doesn’t turn into Lou Ferrigno when he gets angry. Yes, you’ve seen all the formula before, but have you seen it with Swayze added into the equation?
Swayze plays Dalton, “the best damn cooler in the business.” Everywhere he goes everyone knows him and his reputation. The movie exists in its own surreal world where EVERYONE knows who the best bouncer in the world is. It’s my guess that in reality you’d be hard pressed to name the best bouncer in the county. I mean I can’t even remember the name of the bouncer who threw me out of Louie’s for touching a table dancer’s ta-ta’s.
And how did they decide he was the best? Did they put it to a vote? Was there an essay contest? Did they hold some sort of Bouncer Olympics? All I know is that everywhere he goes someone whispers to another, “That’s Dalton!”
Dalton is propositioned by Tilghman (Kevin Tighe) the owner of the Double Deuce to come and bounce for him. Tilghman says, “It’s the kind of place where they sweep up the eyeballs after close.” I don’t know if the sounds like an enticing work environment to you, but for $5000 up front, $500 a night and all medical expenses paid, Dalton accepts. Tilghman takes the liberty of booking him the next flight out but Dalton declines. “I don’t fly. Too dangerous.” As Tilghman walks out he remarks to Dalton, “I thought you’d be bigger.” This running gag has been around since the old Westerns and has been used right up through Escape From L.A.
(Suggested Road House Drinking Game #1: Take a shot every time someone says “I thought you’d be bigger”, to Dalton.)
Before Dalton heads to the Double Deuce though, he gives the keys of his beater to a bum, who asks him, “What do I look like some valet?” “Keep it, it’s yours.” Dalton arrives at the Double Deuce in his REAL car, a Mercedes (bouncing is surely a good way to pay the bills) to assess the situation. He finds drug dealing, prostitution (“What do you say we get nipple to nipple?), and some of the rowdiest barroom brawlers this side of Detroit. Meanwhile we get to meet some of the staff, like Cody (Jeff Healy), lead singer of the house band and a buddy of Dalton’s from the old days. There’s also the waitress and part time singer Carrie Ann (Murphy’s Law’s Kathleen Wilhoite), the studly bouncer Steve (Gary Hudson), the bartender Pat (X’s John Doe), and Morgan (Pro Wrestler Terry Funk) the hot-headed cooler. Carrie tells Dalton: “Morgan was born an asshole, he just grew bigger.”
Attempts by the staff to find out more about their co-worker fail. They ask him, “You got a name?” To which he replies, “Yep.” Once they figure out who he is, they of course know his reputation. Morgan confronts him by saying, “I heard you had balls big enough to cum in a dump truck, but you don’t look like much to me.” Dalton retorts, “Opinions vary.” But it’s Cody who sums up Dalton best: “You fuck with him, and he’ll seal your fate."
Rumors also spread that Dalton once killed a man by ripping his throat out. (This little bit of exposition about Dalton’s past comes up about every ten minutes or so, so to increase your enjoyment of the movie play Suggested Road House Drinking Game #2: Take a shot whenever someone mention’s Dalton’s shady past.)
The next day Dalton buys a used car to drive to work in and rents a loft from a farmer named Emmett (Sunshine Parker), who lives across the river from the richest man in town, Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara). Wesley is the kinda guy who prides himself in pulling fly-bys in his private helicopter over Emmett’s land to scare his livestock.
The next morning Dalton arranges a meeting of the Double Deuce’s staff. He fires a drug dealing waitress as well as Morgan who according to Dalton “Doesn’t have the temperament for the trade”. When Morgan asks him about his employment options, Dalton remarks, “There’s always Barber College.” Dalton makes it clear during the meeting: “It’s my way or the highway.
The following scene in which Dalton instructs the rest of the staff on the finer points of bouncing has to be one of the greatest scenes ever committed to celluloid and is a wonderful showcase for Swayze’s awesomely mediocre acting talents. The three important rules of bouncing are as follows: Bouncing Rule #1: Never underestimate your opponent. EXPECT the unexpected. Bouncing Rule #2: Take it outside. Never start anything in the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. Bouncing Rule #3: Be nice. Rule #3 doesn’t sit well with Steve who asks, “What if someone calls my mama a whore?” To which Dalton replies, “Is she?”
The first night of Dalton’s tenure at the Double Deuce, he fires Steve for making it with a chick. It’s too bad for Steve because to hear him tell it, the girl was “Gonna be my regular Saturday night thing!” He also fires Pat for stealing from the till. “I figure he’s costing you $150 a night.” “So?” “Consider it severance pay. Take the train.” Tilghman muses: “It was a good night. Nobody died,” but Dalton ever the pessimist offers, “It’ll get worse before it gets better.” That night Dalton goes to get into his beater and finds the windshield has been smashed. Dalton’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer but he knows better than to pimp the Benz in town. That night Dalton tries to get a little shut eye, but his pesky neighbor Brad Wesley throws a wild pool party, complete with topless girls, which keeps Dalton up all night.
The next morning, Carrie Ann brings Dalton some doughnuts and tells him he shouldn’t have fired Pat the bartender. “I think I’m looking at a dead man.” “Wherever I go, I always hear that.” As far as I can tell, this scene only exists to show Swayze’s butt glistening in the early morning sun. (Why is it that every action movie hero has to show off his ass?)
On his way to the Auto Parts store, Dalton gets ran off the road and nearly killed by Wesley who’s driving around town like a lunatic while singing along to “Shh-Boom”. You see Wesley’s the kind of guy who likes to drive erratically while listening to the oldies station at full blast, so the audience automatically hates him. At the Auto Parts store Dalton befriends the owner, Red who imparts this nugget of advice: “Don’t ever marry an ugly woman, it takes the energy right out of you.” While they chat Wesley comes in to formally introduce himself to Dalton and wishes him luck on cleaning up the “bad element” that is the Double Deuce.
Cue up the random scene where Dalton practices kung fu by the riverside with his shirt off. (Suggested Road House Drinking Game #3: Take a shot every time Swayze appears shirtless.)
The next night Pat shows up with some of Wesley’s cronies and demands his job back. It seems that not only is Pat Wesley’s nephew and should be gainfully employed based on that sole qualification, but Wesley also controls all the liquor in the county, so if the Double Deuce ever wants to serve booze again, they have to fire Dalton and re-hire Pat. Dalton doesn’t take kindly to nepotism and promptly throws Pat through a plate glass window, which starts up a barroom brawl.
(Suggested Road House Drinking Game #4: Take a shot every time a barroom brawl erupts.)
In the fracas Dalton gets knifed and goes to the nearest hospital. Dalton arrives to the ER carrying his medical records with him because “it saves time”. Throughout his bouncing career Dalton has sustained “9 staples, 31 broken bones, 2 bullet wounds, and 4 stainless steel screws.” In other words, Dalton is pretty much held together by bubble gum and Silly Putty. Lucky for him Doc (Kelly Lynch) in on duty to fix him up. When she asks him, “How’d this happen?” he replies, “Natural causes.” As she staples him up, they flirt a bit. He impresses her by being a NYU grad with a PHD in philosophy. He waxes philosophic and offers nuggets of barroom wisdom like “pain don’t hurt”, and “nobody ever wins a fight”. By the way they look at each other; you just know they’re going to be knocking the boots sometime before the credits roll.
Meanwhile, Wesley’s men return to him with their tails between their legs. They line up in front of him and Wesley singles out O’Connor (Michael Rider) and beats him up while the others (who all call him “Boss”—that’s right folks it’s that kind of movie) look on. Wesley regrets not sending his right-hand man, Jimmy (Marshall Teague) who would’ve done the job right. When Dalton visits Red, he finds out that Wesley takes up a collection from all the town’s businesses for the “Jasper Improvement Fund” which is just a fancy term for extortion. This makes Dalton MAD. Not only is Wesley an extortionist, but he’s also a lousy neighbor and listens to oldies full blast when he drives. Actually, Wesley probably doesn’t make a whole lot extorting the townsfolk since the town is only comprised of a bar, a used car lot, an auto parts store and Emmett’s farm. Guy’s gotta make money some way, I guess. Dalton calls up his friend Wade Garrett (Sam Elliott) for a background check on Wesley, but he isn’t much help. (By the way, Wade is the second-best bouncer in the world.)
That night some troublemakers enter the Double Deuce, setting the stage for one of the film’s standout action sequences. One look at these guys and Dalton knows they’re trouble. To complicate matters, one of the knuckleheads has a razor-sharp steel tipped boot. Dalton points this out to his crew: “Right boot!” Cut to: A close-up of the steel tip glistening under the hot lights. He confronts the boot wearing miscreant. “Sorry, we’re closed.” “Then what are all these people doing here then?” “Drinking and having a good time.” “That’s why we’re here,” and with that he tries to kick Dalton with his boot, but Dalton grabs his foot. “You’re too stupid to have a good time!” He snaps the guy’s foot, breaking his ankle and drags him outside. He throws the boot safely out of fighting distance and proceeds to put those boys in a hurt locker. After kicking their collective asses, he imparts this Dalton-ism to his crew: “Even the biggest guy in the world, you smash his knee, and he’ll drop like a stone.” Dalton was successful in this action sequence largely because he followed the three rules of bouncing: He expected the unexpected (the razor-sharp boot), he took the fight outside, and he was nice about the whole thing.
Lucky for him, Doc was in the crowd, and she got to see him in action, and believe me she liked what she saw. They go out on a date and Doc does NOT put out. She’s obviously a lady first and a bouncer groupie second.
The next day Wesley sends for Dalton to have a face-to-face meeting. They try to talk, but Jimmy’s girl Denise (Julie Michaels) is busy aerobicizing in the other room to a heavy synth beat that you could have only heard in the 80’s. Wesley yells at her to turn it off and she does and scurries away. Wesley says, “I can’t stand that crap, it’s got no heart.” Yeah, it lacks the deep soulfulness of “Shh-Boom”. As they talk, Dalton’s curiosity is piqued by a photo of Wesley’s grandfather. “He looks like an important man.” “He was an asshole.” While eating breakfast Wesley boasts about how powerful and influential he is. “When I came to this town after Korea, there was nothing. I brought the mall here, I got the 7-qq, the photo-mat here; Christ J.C. Penny is coming here because of me! You ask anyone, they’ll tell you.”
You know the folks of Jasper should be paying Wesley the extortion money. It’s the least they can do. If it wasn’t for him, the citizens wouldn’t be able to shop for discount apparel while drinking a Slurpee when they’ve got an hour to kill while waiting for their photos to develop. Wesley asks Dalton to come work for him and he refuses. He also brings up Dalton’s shady past, which is something Dalton is clearly not ready to talk about until the third act.
Meanwhile the Double Deuce has gotten so respectable that they’ve taken the chicken wire down from the bandstand. But trouble is brewing because no liquor supplier will deliver to them thanks to Wesley’s influence and Dalton’s insolence. Doc and Dalton go on their second date in which she finally puts out and we get to see Kelly Lynch’s luscious breasts and scrumptious buns on display. After humping they lay out on the roof where Wesley glares at them menacingly from across the river.
(Suggested Road House Drinking Game # 5: Take a shot every time Dalton and Wesley glare at each other from across the river.)
The next night, Dalton learns from Cody that Wesley used to have a thing for Doc, which makes him even that much more pissed at Dalton. When Dalton is finally able to get some booze to the Double Deuce, he gets jumped by Wesley’s men before it can even get off the truck. Luckily for him Wade shows up and saves his bacon. He also gets to show off why he’s number 2 in the business. Goon: “You wanna fight?” Wade: “Well I ain’t gonna show you my dick!” WHAM! Wade cracks him right in the nuts. “Damn that hurts, don’t it?”
After kicking the snot out of Wesley’s hick patrol Dalton, Doc and Wade all go out on the town. When Doc goes to powder her nose, Wade brings up “Memphis” finishing up the last bit of Dalton’s exposition (don’t forget to take that shot). You see in Memphis Dalton was shacked up with someone’s old lady and when her jealous hubby pulled a gun on him, Dalton ripped his throat out. Dalton still feels bad about it, but as Wade points out, “When a guy points a gun in your face you got two options: Die or kill the motherfucker!”
Wade decides to stick around and help Dalton out, but that night Red’s Auto Parts store burns to the ground. Everyone rushes out of the Double Deuce to see the explosion and when they return to the bar, Wesley and his men have appeared inside. In so many words he admits to blowing the place up. (“I want to buy those firefighters a drink!”) Then for no good reason Denise gets up on stage and does a striptease. After showing everyone her boobs, Dalton helps her off the stage and tells Wesley, “If you’re gonna have a pet, keep it on a leash!” Then Jimmy in a fit of jealous rage (you’d be mad too if your girlfriend just showed the whole town her ta-tas) starts laying into everybody with a broken pool cue. A brawl breaks out and just as Jimmy and Dalton are about to square off, Wesley fires a pistol and says he’s seen enough and turns in early for bed.
The next day, the town’s business owners (all three of them) get together and plot to get rid of Wesley, but he gets wind of it and as punishment he gets one of his boys to drive Bigfoot through the office of the used car lot. That’s right you read right. Wesley is so rich and powerful that he owns Bigfoot. It’s that kind of movie folks.
Looking closer at this scene you can tell the hidden message of the movie: Big time corporations are crushing the small-town business owner. Note that the salesman is wearing an American flag tie, clearly meant to represent the average American business owner. Wesley and Bigfoot represent the major corporate chains (“JC Penny is coming here because of me!”) that are leveling out the small privately owned businesses of this great nation. Makes you think, don’t it?
Afterwards while Dalton practices the kung fu he’s gonna use during the climax, Doc pleads with him not to kill Wesley and leave town but Dalton refuses. “I’ve seen his kind many times over. He’ll keep on taking and taking until someone takes him! He picked me and when he did, he fucked up!” As they argue, Emmett’s place blows up and they rush over to pull him out of the fire. Jimmy, not the most subtle of right-hand men, rides by on his motorcycle cackling. Dalton sees him and somehow outruns the motorcycle and tackles Jimmy to the ground.
What follows is one of the greatest Hero-Fights-the-Villain’s-Right-Hand-Man-to-the-Death scenes ever. Jimmy yells: “Prepare to die!” and the fight is on. (Personal side note: How does one prepare to die anyway, especially on such short notice? It always seems in these movies when the bad guy shouts, “Prepare to die”, the hero has made preparations to live, since he always ends up killing the bad guy anyways.) Jimmy and Dalton kung fu the hell out of each other for a good five minutes or so until Jimmy gets the upper hand and boasts, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison!” This seriously puts Dalton’s bunghole in jeopardy, so he reaches deep down and pulls out his best ka-ra-te on Jimmy’s ass. After Jimmy’s had enough of getting his butt handed to him, he pulls a gun on Dalton. “I’m gonna kill you the old-fashioned way!” Doc comes running by just in the nick of time to see Dalton dispatching Jimmy by ripping his larynx out.
When Doc sees this she just walks away in disgust. She’s clearly not ready to have a serious relationship with a serial throat ripper at this point in her life. Dejected, Dalton screams out the villain’s name (always a classy move in an action movie), but luckily for him in this movie the villain can actually hear him because he’s right across the river.
The next day, Dalton gets a call from Wesley at the Double Deuce and tells him he must choose who dies: Doc or Wade. Since Dalton answers with, “You’re a sick man” Wesley has to flip a coin. “I’ll let you know how it turned out.” Wade then shuffles into the bar bruised and bloodied and tells Dalton that Wesley said, “He was lucky”. Dalton, now realizing that Doc is in danger, rushes to the hospital to save her. He finds her looking at some X-rays and generally still being pissed about the whole ripping-the-guy’s-throat-out thing. Dalton now realizes it was a trick and races back to the bar to save Wade, but he’s too late. He finds Wade with a knife stuck in him with a note attached saying, “It was tails.”
Dalton takes the knife and sticks it into the accelerator of his car and uses it to crash through Wesley’s gate. His goons fall for the old you-thought-I’d-blow-up-my-Benz-with-me-in-it routine and Dalton sets about to taking out Wesley’s henchmen one by one. He weasels his way inside of Wesley’s lair, setting the stage for the mano y mano showdown in Wesley’s private trophy room. This room is filled with just about every kind of animal known to man, but by the looks of Wesley, I think the bastard ordered them out of a catalog just to make himself look tough. “I see you found my trophy room. The only thing that’s missing is your ass!”
Now honestly, how would Dalton’s ass look up on a plaque? That’s not the sort of thing that will tie your room together. If you need to, I guess you can rewind to that gratuitous butt shot of Dalton’s near the beginning of the movie so you could decide for yourself.
Dalton hides behind an animal and leaps out at Wesley (though in reality Wesley could have clearly seen him but never mind) and Wesley shoots him in the shoulder, but Dalton is able at the last second to kick the gun out of his hand. Wesley comes at him with a big spear and says, “I thought it would be fun to fight you.” Dalton although wounded is still able to kick his doughy ass. Just as he goes into the old rip-out-the-guy’s-throat technique, he relents, which is good for him because Doc arrives and sees that his throat ripping days are behind him. They embrace and as Wesley goes to shoot them, he gets blown away by the town’s shopkeepers (who materialize out of thin air). “This is our town, don’t you forget it!” The cops come but can’t arrest anybody because “nobody saw a thing.” Score one for the small business owners of America. With Wesley and his men dead, and the Double Deuce a safe and friendly nightspot, Dalton and Doc skinny dip off into the sunset.
What lies in Dalton’s future? We’re not sure, but maybe he can work with Doc in the hospital performing last minute tracheotomies since he’s so adept at ripping people’s throats out.
Road House was directed by Rowdy Herrington and the movie is every bit as rowdy as his name suggests. He also directed the definitive Bruce Willis on a Boat Movie, Striking Distance. He’s done some other stuff too, but nothing in his oeuvre can compare to this flick. Road House will always go down in the annals of cinema as one of the greatest movies of all time. (You know the movie is jam packed with greatness when it hires the booming voiced Keith David and then has no room for him, regulating him to being the REPLACEMENT bartender who only gets like three lines!) All the key ingredients (Swayze, wonderfully bad dialogue, irredeemable violence, a mountain load of clichés) come together to make a film that’s somehow more than a sum of its parts. A film that transcends or merely “good” or “bad” and achieves a level of awesomeness the likes of which man isn’t used to when he’s watching TBS at 2:00 AM on a Saturday. Road House is a paragon of its kind. Bar none the greatest Patrick Swayze movie of all time.
QUICK THOUGHTS:
Road House remains one of the quintessential films of the ‘80s. It works on so many levels. It’s an ‘80s action movie that acts a critique on the genre while still very much delivering on the expectations of the genre. It works as camp or as a straight action flick, often simultaneously. It also gives us the definitive Patrick Swayze performance… AND the definitive Swayze mullet. It is simply one of the greatest movies in the history of the human race.
4K UHD NOTES:
Road House was the first like… “real” movie Vinegar Syndrome put out. As such, it’s a solid transfer. They’ve definitely done better restorations before and since, but this still looks good. Then again, you don’t really want a movie like Road House to look too classy. You still want some grit to it.
