LET’S GET PHYSICAL: BAD TIMING (1980) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Nicolas Roeg directed this odd and bewildering melodrama.  Art Garfunkel stars as an uptight professor who is banging the free-spirited Theresa Russell.  When she overdoses, he takes her to the hospital where he is questioned by cop Harvey Keitel.  Through flashbacks we learn she was married (to Denholm Elliott) and that she and Garfunkel had some serious ups and downs in their relationship. 

Roeg’s artsy-fartsy style works for movies like Performance and Don’t Look Now, but it’s a little cumbersome for a film that’s essentially a relationship drama.  Cutting back and forth between the present and the past seemingly at random is one thing when you’re filming a police interrogation scene.  It’s another thing entirely to intercut scenes of a couple having sex with graphic footage of a tracheotomy. 

The sad thing is Russell (who later went on to marry Roeg) is excellent.  It’s just that the flimsy script leaves her at sea.  You know in movies about the making of a movie, how the dialogue often sounds melodramatic and contrived in the film-within-a-film scene?  That’s how most of the dialogue in Bad Timing sounds.  Like something out of a movie within a movie. 

While Russell is fantastic (and has a couple of nude scenes), Garfunkel is anything but.  The movie might’ve survived had Russell been paired alongside a talent that was her match every step of the way, but the casting of Garfunkel is befuddling at best and a bit painful at worst.  I mean, there were so many other qualified actors you could’ve brought in who could’ve done a better job than Garfunkel.  Heck, there’s a bunch of better musicians who could’ve given a better performance.  For Christ’s sake, Paul Simon would’ve been a better choice than Art Garfunkel.  And the less said about his nude scenes, the better.  Keitel gets by from being Harvey Keitel, but his Sherlock Holmes schtick late in the game becomes tiresome. 

AKA:  Bad Timing:  A Sensual Obsession.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: ABDUCTION (2011) **

FORMAT:  DVD

Before Twilight co-star Taylor Lautner fell off the face of the Earth, he tried his hand as an action hero.  Abduction was his first attempt.  It was directed by… (checks notes) Boyz N the Hood’s John Singleton!?!  A quick look at IMDb tells me that this was to be the late director’s final movie.  Which only goes to show that you probably shouldn’t direct a Taylor Lautner action movie is there’s always a chance it will be your final directing credit. 

Lautner stars as a high school student who stumbles upon a picture of himself on a website for missing children.  He calls the missing kids hotline, which turns out to be a trap because the bad guys come after him and the people he thought were his parents die protecting him.  Taylor and his girlfriend (Lily Collins) go on the run.  Before long, the bad guys, the CIA, and the guys from the CIA who are also bad guys come after him. 

Basically, all this plays like a Young Adult version of The Bourne Identity.  Despite a decent hook, it quickly devolves into your typical man on the run (or in this case, teen on the run) cliches.  The title also makes no sense because Taylor’s character was never abducted to begin with. 

For a movie so generic and forgettable, it has a shockingly good supporting cast.  We have Jason Isaacs, Maria Bello, Sigourney Weaver, and Alfred Molina in the cast.  (They all must’ve been Team Jacob.)  They came to play too, which is nice, as their efforts make the film, at the very least, watchable.

I guess Singleton was trying his hand at a mid-budget studio action flick.  Even the rather lame 2 Fast 2 Furious had a sense of energy and silliness to it.  While competent and slick (the direction that is, the script is another matter entirely), it’s never quite engaging.   With a passable action star in the lead and a script that wasn’t so generic, this might’ve worked.  With Lautner front and center, Abduction just seems like something your grandmother would watch on Ion TV in the middle of the afternoon. 

CAVEMAN (1981) **

Ringo Starr and Dennis Quaid star as cavemen in this goofy prehistoric comedy.  They spend most of their days having to hide from dinosaurs and avoid getting beat up by the big and hairy John Matusak.  Ringo wants Matusak’s mate, Barbara Bach for his own, and when he unsuccessfully tries to woo her, he is cast out of the tribe.  Along with Quaid, another cave babe (a pre-Cheers Shelley Long), and her blind father (Jack Gilford), they find a new tribe and discover fire and music (on the same night, no less).  Eventually, Ringo brings everybody together to do battle with Matusak’s tribe and in doing so, learns Shelly’s the real gal for him. 

The stop-motion effects (by Jim Danforth) are really well done, even if the dinosaurs themselves are overly cutesy.  In fact, other than the oddball cast of familiar faces grunting and running around in loincloths, the dinos are the best thing about it. 

There’s no actual English dialogue (mostly) except when the cavemen say each other’s names as everyone speaks in grunts or in childish caveman language.  (Theater patrons were given a handy pamphlet with all the meanings of the caveman language when it was first released.)  It’s all kind of silly and harmless, though it’s rarely laugh-out-loud funny.  It would probably be perfect for kids if it wasn’t for the cringey scene where Starr gives Bach berries that make her fall to sleep and then he tries (and fails) to bang her. 

Starr coasts on the sheer fact that you’re watching everyone’s fourth favorite Beatle in a dumb caveman movie.  At least some good came out of it as he met his future wife Barbara Bach while making this.  Bach looks great in her skimpy pelts, even if she isn’t really given anything to do other than look great in a skimpy pelt.  No wonder Ringo snapped her up.  Likewise, Quaid is mostly wasted as he’s basically a third wheel, which is ironic since the first wheel hadn’t even been invented yet.  Richard Moll also shows up in a memorable bit as an Abominable Snowman. 

The director and co-writer, Carl Gottlieb (most famous for co-writing the screenplay to Jaws) also co-wrote Jaws 3-D, which also starred Quaid. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: AMERICAN NIGHTMARE (2002) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on October 2nd, 2013)

Debbie Rochon is a psycho nurse who hacks up a bunch of teens in the woods. One year later, a pirate radio DJ does a show commemorating the slaying. The theme of the show is fear, and the DJ gets his listeners to call in and tell him their biggest fear. A group of friends in a trendy coffee shop call in and confess their fears, unaware that Rochon is listening in. When the friends go their separate ways, Rochon begins stalking them and picks them off one by one by turning their worst fears against them.

I first saw John Keeyes’ American Nightmare when it first hit video and thought it was pretty solid. Watching it now, it feels a bit dated (if it was made today, it would probably revolve around a podcast instead of a pirate radio station), although people still spend a lot of time sitting around trendy coffee shops on their laptops nowadays. But other than that, I like it quite a bit. Considering the crap that has been made since, it’s an easy call to say that American Nightmare is one of the best independent horror movies of the ‘00s.

Sometimes, American Nightmare feels like a horror version of Friends. The main characters sit around a coffee shop and crack jokes and make pop culture references. Once the action shifts to Rochon bumping people off, the flick really starts to cook.

And Debbie Rochon, it must be said, is quite amazing in this movie. In a career of great performances, this one is her finest. It’s a wonderful showcase for her many talents. She’s sexy, scary, tough, and menacing; sometimes all at the same time. The scene where she masturbates with a knife is really creepy and she has a great topless scene where she ties a guy up and guts him.

American Nightmare is at its best when Rochon is stalking and killing people. The ending however goes on a bit too long and the final twist doesn’t exactly work, but there is plenty to enjoy about this chiller. Plus, you get a cool cameo by Brinke Stevens (in her Evila costume, no less) too.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE HITCHHIKERS (1972) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

The Hitchhikers may not be as well-known as similar fare of the era, but it is a ripe slice of ‘70s drive-in cinema.  Written and directed by the husband-and-wife team of Beverly and Ferd Sebastian (who also made Gator Bait, a certified drive-in classic if there ever was one) it tells the story of Maggie (Misty Rowe) who learns she’s pregnant and hits the road to go to L.A.  She meets a bunch of oddballs along the way, most who either want to rob or screw her.  Maggie eventually winds up at the ranch commune lorded over by a man named Benson (Nick Klar) who lives with a bunch of grungy chicks he calls his “family”. 

Any similarities between Benson and Manson are purely intentional. 

It seems Benson has quite the criminal enterprise going.  He gets his “girls” to pose as sexy hitchhikers, and when a poor schmo pulls to the side of the road to help them, Benson and the gang spring on them and rob them like the highwaymen of old.  Unsurprisingly, he takes a shine to Maggie, and before long, he’s showing her the ropes of how to be a sexy hitchhiking thief. 

With apologies to Barbie Benton, I think Misty Rowe was the hottest of the Hee-Haw Honeys.  Her platinum blonde look and sexy demeanor makes her an ideal Drive-In Queen.  For whatever reason, other than a handful of Larry Buchanan movies, her career never really lived up to her early potential as this was a rather auspicious film debut. 

The Hitchhikers has some big swings in tone.  It goes from a carefree vibe to a buzz-killing rape scene.  There’s a depressing makeshift abortion that’s followed by an orgy.  Some will be turned off by that rollercoaster effect, but I found the “anything goes” tone to be indicative of its drive-in sensibilities.  I also dug the Folk Rock soundtrack that acts as a Greek Chorus over Maggie’s various trials and tribulations. 

The only real flaw is the lack of a concrete ending.  You would think that having a heroine shacking up with a Manson stand-in would lead to some sort of violent confrontation in the end.  However, (slight spoiler) the open-ended wrap-up means Maggie gets her happy ending, but at the same time, the audience really deserved some sort of satisfying conclusion.  Instead, the film basically peters out at the end.  On the plus side, it has healthy doses of T & A, courtesy of cat fights, skinny-dipping, and sex scenes.  Plus, Misty is terrific, so if for that and nothing else, The Hitchhikers is worth picking up. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SHOT ON LOCATION (1972) ***

FORMAT:  DVD

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on December 12th, 2024)

Rick Lutze is a sleazy movie producer who wants to double cross a rival in order to make his dream project.  His plan is to get an underage wannabe porn starlet (Sandy Dempsey) to seduce the competition so he can blackmail him.  Lutze then promises the young ingenue a part in their latest picture (a porno western).  Problems arise when the director accidentally casts the wrong actress in the lead role.  Things eventually work themselves out when everyone involved decides to have a big orgy. 

Some sources list Shot on Location as being directed by Ed Wood.  That kind of makes sense because there is a reference to Criswell.  However, the consensus seems to be it was directed by Donn (Alice in Acidland) Greer.  Either way, it’s a fun slice of old-time smut.  

The cast is particularly charming.  Rene Bond takes the acting honors as the production’s sexy secretary/script girl.  She looks terrific as always and delivers a top-notch BJ scene.  Dempsey really gets into her sex scene on the casting couch and is a lot of fun to watch throughout.  The big orgy sequence has a lot of energy too. 

I do wish they had taken advantage of the western outdoor setting though.  I mean you’ve got everyone in their Native American garb, you might as well put them to good use.  Oh well, at least the final pun works surprisingly well as it really ends the movie with a bang in more ways than one. 

The music is also good for an unintentional laugh or two.  One scene uses music from (what sounds like) the Barbarella soundtrack and others are accompanied by Muzak versions of “It’s Impossible” and “Those Were the Days”.  The dialogue is great as well and features some real humdingers, like when Lutze sees a starlet naked and says, “What I wouldn’t give to be a goose pimple!”  My favorite line though was “If you can’t join ‘em, lick ‘em!”

Greer later went on to direct the immortal Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle. 

SWINGIN’ MODELS (1972) ** ½

A model poses topless alongside a gray faced mannequin in a tuxedo on a bedroom set for a photographer named Felix (Claus Tinney).  After her session, a young naive model named Astrid (Angelica Wehbeck) comes to the studio and balks at posing nude for Felix.  He then takes her to a party at a bordello to indoctrinate Astrid into the “world of sex and money” and tells her juicy stories about the various partygoers. 

The first tale is about their rich host.  He has trouble making it with women, so he keeps a young stud on hand to help ball his babes.  The next story is about a nude model whose marriage was ruined when her husband learned what she did for a living.  Another couple invites them to spend the night and eventually they wind up swapping partners.  After that, we get a tale of how an innocent girl became a porn star.  Then it’s Astrid’s turn to tell a story about her relationship with one of the party girls. 

This is an uneven but sporadically entertaining West German softcore flick.  It’s very episodic, but the vignettes are relatively fast moving and feature lots of skin.  It’s not exactly bad per se.  It’s just that it never really turns up the heat either.  The big reason is that the fractured narrative prevents the film from ever gaining any real momentum. 

The framework is ideal for an anthology movie as the partygoers have plenty of vices to fill an entire movie.  Unfortunately, there’s no real meat to any of the stories and they are pretty much over before they really get going.  Still, the speedy sixty-six-minute running time is appreciated.  Then again, I can’t help but think that the film may have worked better with a slightly longer running time if it allowed the stories a little room to breathe. 

Wehbeck makes for a fine leading lady too.  It’s a shame she only made a handful of movies because she has a lovely screen presence here.  She certainly has no qualms showing off her exquisite figure either.  Whenever she’s on screen, Swingin’ Models is a swinging’ good time. 

AKA:  Bed Career.