THE BIG BAD WOLF (1966) ***

The Big Bad Wolf delivers a pure hit of WTF lunacy that only old-timey kiddie matinee movies contain.  It was a German kids movie made in the ‘50s that was poorly dubbed and released in America almost a decade later to kids that I’m sure had nightmares for years after.  The American version also contains songs by Milton DeLugg, the guy who wrote “Hooray for Santa Claus” for Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.  In fact, this would probably make for a delirious double feature with that flick. 

A single mother goat leaves her seven kids (get it?) alone while she goes off looking for food.  Before long, the Big Bad Wolf shows up trying to break in and turn the kids into a hot lunch.  When the Wolf eventually gains the upper hand on the children, it’s up to mom to rescue them. 

The Big Bad Wolf feels like a cross between Home Alone and David Lynch’s Rabbits.  The goats are anthropomorphic, talk, and look eerily realistic.  The costumes are great, but the effect gives them a soulless, ungodly appearance.  The poor cinematography in the scenes where they frolic through the woods gives them a cryptid quality.  The Wolf on the other hand looks like something out of The Rare Blue Apes of Cannibal Isle and even blows smoke through his nose when he’s mad. 

The whole ecosystem of the forest is puzzling.  The goats are obviously people in suits that stand upright and wear clothes, but other animals in the forest are played by real animals wearing hats and shit.  Also, the Wolf accosts random grocers and bakers and forces them to help him in his quest to fool the goats.  These guys are played by actual humans, all of whom are frightened of him.  I mean, I would be frightened of a wolf that walks on two legs, wears pants and talks too, but still. 

The scenes of the goats are unsettling as it is, but things take a dark turn in the third act when the Wolf eats most of the kids.  It’s here where the film turns into a kiddie matinee revenge thriller as mama goat cuts open the Wolf’s stomach to free her children.  Folks the sight of anthropomorphic goats emerging from the guts of a vivisected man/wolf is sure to befuddle anyone who’s watched as many movies as I have.  Then, they stuff him with rocks, sew him back up, and throw him down a goddamn well so he drowns!  It’s like I Spit on Your Wolf or something.  

Fun for the whole family!

AKA:  The Wolf and the Seven Little Goats.

FRANKENSTEIN (2025) ***

Guillermo Del Toro’s Frankenstein is handsomely mounted and gorgeous to look at.  In fact, it may be the most beautiful looking Frankenstein film of all time.  It’s also overlong, a tad frustrating, and more than a little uneven, but you can always remain enchanted by the lush visuals. 

The story is essentially the same as countless other adaptations, so I’ll refrain from doing a plot recap.  I will say the film suffers from some severe pacing issues, especially in the beginning.  Just because the novel started out on a boat in the frozen north doesn’t mean the movie has to.  I’m not sure why Del Toro felt beholden to the book’s structure, especially when he took so many liberties with the novel to begin with.  The stuff with Dr. Frankenstein (Oscar Isaac) as a boy and his dead mom and abusive father could’ve easily been trimmed too.  Once the picture jumps forward in time, it gets a shot in the arm when Christoph Waltz shows up as Frankenstein’s benefactor who eventually reveals he’s dying and wants his brain put into the creature. 

Isaac is blustering and abrasive as Dr. Frankenstein.  While his character has at least one amusing quirk (he drinks milk because after all it does a body good) his constant overacting proves that too much scenery chewing is bad for the digestion.  His overly bombastic antics are enough to make Kenneth Branagh’s version seem twee and demure in comparison. 

The film is separated into two parts, the doctor’s tale and the creature’s tale.  The scenes of Issac essentially being a bad parent to his creation (Jacob Elordi) work.  He even admits that he didn’t think the whole thing through or consider what would happen AFTER he created a monster, which hammers home the neglectful father theme.  Unfortunately, Del Toro drives the point into the ground that it is the doctor who is the real monster and not the creature.  It’s a valid approach, but I just wish Del Toro had used a little more finesse while making his points. 

The scenes with Elordi as the creatures are much better.  The section where he befriends a blind man (reminiscent of Bride of Frankenstein) who teaches him to read, is strong and his fight with a pack of wolves is rousing.  Also, this stretch of the film is much tighter paced.  Credit also must be given to Elordi for creating a performance of childlike innocence that makes us root for him, while still retaining a monstrous quality that makes him intimidating.  The second act is so good that it ultimately bumped the movie into the win column for me, even though I still felt a tad disappointed overall. 

Like most Netflix originals, Frankenstein is about twenty minutes too long.  The arctic bookends weren’t really necessary and only added to the already bloating running time.  Still, when Del Toro is firing on all cylinders, the film crackles.  It may take its sweet time to do so, but once the movie finally finds its heart, it works. 

THE SOUL SNATCHER (1965) ** ½

Kathy (Diane Webster) lives in an apartment in New York City with two sexy roommates.  She wants to become a model but can’t seem to catch a break.  She eventually strikes a deal with “The Bearer of Evil” (Fred Dennie) who in exchange for her soul, grants her wish.  Predictably, everything is peachy keen for Kathy until the stranger comes to collect. 

Unlike most New York nudies made around the same time, The Soul Snatcher is in color.  It features Doris Wishman regulars Darlene Bennett and Dawn Bennett (no relation) in supporting roles. This was the only role for Webster, but she is quite good in the lead.  Dennie, with his bald head, bushy goatee, and painted-on eyebrows is memorable too.  (He likewise didn’t star in anything else.)

One of the things I liked about The Soul Snatcher was that Kathy didn’t want to be rich and famous.  She just wanted to get enough modeling gigs to pay her share of the rent.  There’s also a great scene where she goes around trying to get work by showing her legs off to various photographers. 

Some will be annoyed by the constant narration, but I dug it as it helps the audience get inside the characters’ heads and thoroughly explain their motivations.  It’s also padded with nude cheesecake photo sessions and random stripteases, which if I’m being completely honest, is a perfectly acceptable form of padding.  The use of classical music in the background actually works too.  Usually in these sorts of things, the needle drops are random, but in The Soul Snatcher, they almost feel organic and enhance the scene (well… in most instances). 

This all might’ve made for a great hour-long softcore horror flick.  At seventy minutes, it’s just way too long.  The seams start to really show about forty-five minutes into the picture.  It’s here where the pacing really starts to drag.  Curiously enough, the film is at its dullest AFTER our heroine finds fame and fortune.  I don’t know if that was a subtle bit of morality on the filmmakers’ part, or they just couldn’t sustain the momentum throughout the movie.  It doesn’t help matters that the scenes of Kathy frolicking with her new boyfriend feel like you’re watching someone’s vacation videos.  Still, the first act is strong, and there’s enough T & A to make it all watchable. 

TEN LITTLE MAIDENS (1985) ****

Ten Little Maidens is the porno version of Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None” with an all-star porn cast.  Notice I said “version” and not “spoof”.  If this was made nowadays, they’d probably call it This Ain’t Agatha Christie XXX or some shit.  It just shows you the ingenuity and craftsmanship that filmmakers used to put into porno versions of familiar tales.  I mean there is some weird shit here for sure (which is what makes it so memorable), but it manages to be a decent whodunit, even with all the fucking.

Harry Reems and Ginger Lynn star as a couple who are invited to an all expenses paid orgy at a mansion on an island in the middle of nowhere.  Their unseen host (who has an Alfred Hitchcock voice) communicates with them via tape recorder and announces they will all die one by one.  Once it looks like his prediction is going to come true, everyone decides to start balling their brains out.  I mean if you’ve got to go, go happy.

If you’re into food play, this is going to be your Citizen Kane of ‘80s fuck flicks.  Remember the scene in Raw Talent where Jerry Butler fucked a cooked turkey?  Well in this one, Jamie Gillis fucks a raw chicken.  I noticed he wasn’t wearing a rubber in this scene, which makes me wonder if that put him at risk for salmonella.  The award-winning dinner feast that turns into an orgy is something else.  It features Gillis cumming on salads, women getting fucked with cucumbers, Amber Lynn cradling a roasted pig while she herself gets stuffed, and dudes fucking pitted peaches.  There’s also a scene where Amber and Eric Edwards make a “banana split” while eating bananas and whipped cream during a 69.  

Another memorable bit involves Nina Hartley dressed like a cowgirl and riding a saddle with a dildo sticking through the leather.  Kitten Natividad, Lisa DeLeeuw, and Janey Robbins round out the cast.  Unfortunately, this was a non-sex role for Kitten, but she looks like she's having fun as a horny mail lady who watches Harry and Ginger fuck in the opening scene.

The death scenes are amusing too.  I mean when’s the last time you saw a guy get killed when a rubber ducky gets stuck on his dick?  Ten Little Maidens also features the screen’s first electrocution via double-edged dildo, so because of that alone, it deserves distinguished recognition. 

777 (1997) * ½

A young man watches a videotape of a condemned serial killer ranting and raving.  The killer claims that one day, a mysterious tattoo appeared on his arm, which was his sign to stop killing.  Our protagonist then sets out to kill as many people as possible so he can get a tattoo of his own. 

Coming from someone who used to make movies in his backyard with friends, I try to approach these no-budget shot-on-video things knowing how difficult it can be.  Even when grading on a curve, 777 (which shouldn’t be confused with 555, another shot-on-video horror movie about a serial killer), is still a tough sit. 

I will say the set-up is well done.  The way the killer snaps and kills his mom (clearly played by a dude in a wig) and keeps her around the house is decent enough.  (At one point, he rips off her ear and eats it.)  Once he runs into another guy who videotapes random people as part of a “neighborhood watch”, the movie goes into the shitter fast and it never looks back. 

Part of the problem is that there doesn’t seem to be a real endgame.  There are dream scenes and sequences that look like they were taken from another short film.  However, they don’t really seem to serve a purpose, other than to bulk up the running time.  Characters come and go, and ones that seem to have some kind of significance (like the guy who may or may not be a detective) disappear with little fanfare.  The movie really begins chasing its tail in the second act.  It even goes for some Lynchian type of vibe near the end, but it fails miserably.  The odd ambient music will have you drifting off to sleep during the dull stretches (of which there are many).

Fortunately, the gore is plentiful.  The best effect is a solid little face peeling scene.  That doesn’t make up for all the times the movie jerks you around though.  I may have been more forgiving if there’d been an actual payoff (even a predictable one would’ve sufficed).  As it is, it’s pretty much a mess.

If you make it all the way through 777, consider yourself lucky. 

SUMMER HORROR DAY (1987) ***

Sam Raimi’s The Evil Dead was one of the most influential horror films of all time.  In the ‘80s, you couldn’t turn the corner at the horror section of your local video store without seeing a movie that was inspired by that horror classic.  Many aspiring filmmakers picked up a camera because of Raimi and began making their own no-budget horror flicks in their backyard.  One such director was Martin Nike, who along with his friends made the highly entertaining Raimi homage, Summer Horror Day. 

A young director and his friends are about to make a movie in their backyard when they find an old book in the basement.  They foolishly read the passages out loud and the place is soon overrun by zombies.  The leader is a cool, scary, skull-faced sucker who looks like a cross between the zombie in the “Father’s Day” episode of Creepshow and Angus Scrimm in The Lost Empire.  Will our director be able to stay one step ahead of the zombies and escape his fate?

Summer Horror Day is oozing with DIY charm.  I don’t know if the zombie leader’s mask was made by Nike and his crew or if they found it in a Halloween store, but it is certainly memorable and effective.  Not only that, but the film is also filled to the brim with guts, blood, and slime.  The over the top gore scenes are well done and occur at a rapid pace, so there’s no shortage of no-budget zombie carnage to go around. 

One of the biggest advantages of the film is that it’s only fifty-five minutes long.  Nike was smart to waste no time getting to the good stuff as he dispenses with the set-up in an expedient manner.  One wishes it had built up to a more satisfying climax, but the fact that Nike was able to keep things moving as well as he did for as long as he could is a testament to his no-budget ingenuity.  It’s a shame he didn’t make anything else as he clearly had a promising future as a horror filmmaker judging by the evidence here. 

MUSCLES, MAIDENS, AND MONSTERS (199?) ***

Here’s a fun collection of Italian musclemen and peplum action films from Something Weird. 

It begins with a super cut of title screens from a bunch of Hercules movies.  Everything from The Sons of Hercules series to the Hercules films starring Reg Park to gladiator epics is included.  Then we are treated to several condensed versions of Hercules and/or Hercules adjacent actioners. 

Our first mini-movie is from the awesome Fire Monsters Against the Son of Hercules which features one of the goofiest looking monsters in togaploitation history and sexy slave girl dance numbers.  From there we get a bevy of scenes from other Italian peplum movies.  Terror of Rome Against the Son of Hercules boasts gladiator battles (including one with a guy in an ape suit), Conquerors of Atlantis contains improbable fights with robot men, and The Medusa Against the Son of Hercules offers more silly sea serpents and a title monster that looks like a cross between the aliens in The Green Slime and Sigmund the Sea Monster. 

The compilation hits its stride in the middle section.  It’s here where we get scenes from the hilarious looking Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules.  We see Maciste fishing for a whale before tangling with a bunch of dudes in white cloaks who die if they stay out in the sun too long (he also fights a guy in a monkey suit).  Finally, Maciste is put to the test by an evil queen who forces him to lift massive amounts of weights in what looks like a prehistoric home gym.  She also runs him through what looks to be a human car wash at one point. 

Then it’s on to a slew of Reg Park Hercules movies.  First up is Hercules the Avenger where Herc travels to the underworld and fights zombies to save the woman he loves.  I thought I was having déjà vu from Hercules in the Haunted World, but it turns out the Avenger recycles some of the same footage from that movie, so at least I know I’m not (that) crazy. 

Of course, it makes sense that Haunted World would be the next film on the docket…. And it’s promptly skipped over since all the best stuff has already been shown.  Then it’s on to Hercules and the Captive Women where Park battles a shape-shifting god that turns into (among other things) a lion, a vulture, and a rubbery looking dinosaur man. 

The last half hour is reserved for sword and sandal trailers.  The highlight is the ad for The Tartars, which features Orson Welles in yellowface!

Is Italian peplum my favorite genre?  Not really.  Would I have preferred this to be a straight-up trailer compilation rather than a mix of clips bundled with trailers?  Sure.  Would it have been cool to see a montage of all of Hercules’ feats of strength back-to-back?  You bet.  Having said that, there is still plenty to enjoy here.  It’s breezy fun, and the condescended sword and sandal epics are short enough that they don’t wear out their welcome.  Be warned though:  That damn Sons of Hercules song is a real ear worm.

The complete trailer list is as follows:  Atlas, Seven Slaves Against the World, The Tartars, Hercules Against the Moon Men, The Revenge of the Gladiators, Revenge of the Musketeers, Hercules of the Desert, Samson and the Seven Miracles of the World, The Witch’s Curse, Goliath and the Vampires, Goliath and the Dragon, Hercules in the Haunted World, Hercules Against the Moon Men (again), Giant of Metropolis, and Goliath and the Sins of Babylon.