BEVERLY HILLS COP: AXEL F (2024) **

After starring in the surprising heartfelt and funny Coming 2 America and the modern classic Dolemite is My Name, I was looking forward to seeing Eddie Murphy return to streaming, this time as the iconic Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop:  Axel F.  Sadly, this is well below the heights of those films.  Heck, it even suffers from comparison to the uneven Beverly Hills Cop sequels. 

This time out, Detroit cop Axel returns to Beverly Hills when his buddy Billy Rosewood (Judge Reinhold) goes missing.  Axel reconnects with his estranged lawyer daughter (Taylour Paige), and together they uncover a plot involving dirty cops led by the shifty Captain Grant (Kevin Bacon). 

Axel F isn’t exactly bad.  It’s watchable and would probably play best as background noise.  There just doesn’t seem to be a lot of drive or heart here.  (The scenes of Axel bonding with his daughter curiously fall flat.)  That wouldn’t necessarily matter if it was funny (I honestly think Part 3 had more laughs) or if the action was solid.  However, it just seems like everybody is on autopilot.  (Save for Bacon, who at least looks like he’s having fun.)

That sadly includes Murphy.  That spark he brought to the other films is noticeably absent and his shtick is feeling awfully tired.  It just hits different seeing a middle-aged man doing funny voices to get what he wants.  In fact, the best scene in the film is when he stops his silly accent mid-sentence and says he’s too tired for this shit.  Yeah, Eddie.  We noticed. 

I guess for some folks, just seeing Murphy slipping back into the role after a thirty-year absence and interacting with his old cohorts John Ashton, Bronson Pinchot, and Reinhold again will be enough.  The nostalgic needle drops on the soundtrack will make you tap your toes and remind you of the good old days too.  Unfortunately, nostalgia is about all the film brings to the table. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SCREAM QUEENS NAKED CHRISTMAS (1996) ** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY

(Note:  This was a bonus feature on the Santa Claws Blu Ray.) 

Hey, remember that Scream Queens Christmas video Debbie Rochon was making in Santa Claws?  Well, apparently the film-within-the-film is a real movie!  And by “real movie”, I mean it’s a cheap looking hour-long excuse for a bunch of Scream Queens to don and then un-don their gay apparel for the camera.  Like Santa Claws, it shares the great song, “Scream Queen”.  And like Santa Claws, it has lots of skin on display.

The film is hosted by Santa Claws himself.  Mostly, he just introduces clips of each Scream Queen stripping for the camera.  One crimson-clad model disrobes while dancing in front of Christmas trees.  Then, she does another number while wrapped up with a giant red ribbon and bow before running a teddy bear all over her body while laying on a sled.  The next model does a striptease blindfolded.  This is followed by a saucy redhead in a sexy Santa suit who takes it off.  They saved the best for last as Debbie Rochon does a hot dance while in spangly red number. 

This is basically just extended model scenes from Santa Claws.  I imagine the filmmakers had so much B-Roll footage they decided they could actually make another movie from the material.  By using just enough clips from Santa Claws and newly shot scenes of Grant Kramer as Santa, they were able to get it to an hour.  It doesn’t help though that many of the scenes don’t have a whole lot of energy, feature too much slow motion, and/or are backed by corny Christmas tunes.  (The last ten minutes also relies too heavily on recycled footage.)

If you’re a fan of Debbie, it will be worth watching.  If you love Santa Claws, it’ll be an interesting companion piece.  Other than that, there’s enough nudity here to justify its existence, but it still somehow winds up being less than a sum of its parts. 

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: SANTA CLAWS (1996) ***

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on August 18th, 2007)

Debbie (Tromeo and Juliet) Rochon stars as a Scream Queen named Raven Quinn who is trying to balance her life as a horror film star with raising her kids and saving her failing marriage. She gets her neighbor (played by Grant Kramer) to babysit her kids while she goes and poses nude, but unfortunately for her, her neighbor is also a psychotic, obsessive fan who not only dresses like the killer from her latest movie, “The Black Claw”, but also dresses up like Santa and murders Scream Queens. (Who are shooting their latest film called “Scream Queen Christmas”.) Kramer uses a three-pronged garden hoe to do most of his killing and gift wraps the bodies of his victims before burying them in the snow.

It’s not really all that great but it has three things going for it that make it worth a look. First Debbie Rochon gives an excellent performance and does a sexy striptease. Second of all it’s a pretty decent Killer Santa movie, one of the best since the original Silent Night, Deadly Night. Third, it was written and directed by John A. Russo the man who co-wrote Night of the Living Dead and that film’s stars Karl Hardman, Marilyn Eastman and Bill Hinzman all appear in small roles. There are also lots of plugs for Scream Queens Magazine too. Too bad it suffers from a poor shot on video cinematography and looks like it had a budget of $1.98.

Rochon and Kramer were also in Russo’s ill-advised Night of the Living Dead: 30th Anniversary Edition in newly filmed scenes.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: GODZILLA VS. KONG (2021) *** ½

FORMAT:  BLU-RAY (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:

(As posted on March 31st, 2021)

It’s finally here.  The clash of the titans.  We’ve waited since 1962 for a rematch between the world’s two biggest movie monsters.  Lucky for us fans of Godzilla and King Kong, it doesn’t disappoint.  It’s not perfect.  In fact, it’s probably the third best of the four “Monsterverse” movies, but still one of the best films ever made that features either monster.

The 1998 Godzilla did not work because there was no subtext.  It was basically, “What if Jurassic Park was… BIGGER?”  In fact, the tagline, “Size Matters” was downright cringeworthy.  As if bigger always meant better.  The original 1954 Godzilla was a metaphor for the nuclear devastation of Japan in WWII.  There were no such metaphors in the 1998 movie.  The 2014 Godzilla however had the tragedy of 9/11 running through its veins and because of that, it hit a lot harder.  Even Kong:  Skull Island had a lot of Vietnam imagery in there to ground it in some sort of historical/cultural relevance. 

Even though it was made pre-COVID, much of Godzilla vs. Kong feels like a metaphor for the times we are living in now.  When we first see Kong, he is in isolation on a fake version of Skull Island, quarantined from the rest of the world.  It seems like a sweet deal at first because he can sleep in, let his beard grow out, shower when he wants, and just sort of hang out.  It’s only when Kong ventures out into the world does he realize, it ain’t safe out there. 

Despite the fact that Godzilla has top billing, Godzilla vs. Kong is more of a Kong movie.  The main focus is on the humans getting Kong to safety while Godzilla occasionally pops up to temporarily spoil their plans.  Eventually, the two square off in Hong Kong where the human villains… well… I won’t spoil it, but I’m sure you can probably guess what goes down. 

The film is as much of a throwback to the adventure novels of Jules Verne as it is a love letter to giant monster mashes.  The whole “Hollow Earth” subplot feels like a modern-day version of those old ‘70s flicks like At the Earth’s Core.  That old timey touch is sometimes at odds with some of the updated characters (an annoying conspiracy theorist podcaster is a major player), but it’s nothing that derails the movie.

Maybe the reason why the Godzilla plotline feels skimpy is because the Kong storyline is a lot more engaging.  The scenes with the little deaf girl (Kaylee Hottle), who can communicate with Kong work really well.  The stuff with Millie Bobby Brown and Brian Tyree Henry is a lot less fun.  Brown is kind of wasted here, which is a shame since she was one of the best parts of Godzilla:  King of the Monsters.  The human drama is always secondary in these things, and the film sometimes struggles with juggling the characters from the two franchises, but it’s hardly an issue when the monster mashing is top notch. 

The first battle occurs in the middle of the ocean.  It’s nothing too spectacular, but the scene where Kong socks Godzilla on the jaw will definitely have you cheering.  The rematch in Hong Kong is a thing of beauty though.  It’s one of the best monster mashes in recent memory.  There’s even a moment during the final brawl that manages to be a homage to Lethal Weapon 2, if you can believe it.  I never thought I’d see that in a kaiju movie, but that’s just another reason why this one is so much fun.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL: THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE (1974) ****

FORMAT:  4K UHD (REWATCH)

ORIGINAL REVIEW:  

(As posted on July 17th, 2007)

Tobe Hooper’s original American cannibal family classic still delivers the goods after three decades, three sequels, one remake, a sequel to the remake and countless imitators. ‘Saw will forever be one of the most innovative films of all time for several reasons. It was one of the first movies where all the characters existed for the sole purpose of being killed (as well as the notion of having the surviving “Last Girl” take on the killer during the last third of the movie). It was also one of the first horror films were the director used a gritty neo-documentary feeling to the film making the audience feel like they’re right in the middle of the action. But the best innovation TCM had was the implementing of power tools as a weapon of choice for the masked killer to dispatch his victims with. It also introduced the world to its most famous chainsaw wielding, transvestite cannibal. The one, the only Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen).

The plot is simple. A group of friends go to an abandoned house for an idyllic summer retreat and run afoul of family of cannibals.

Hooper sets up the death scenes with panache, and there’s not a single one that isn’t scary as hell. The meat tenderizer to the skull (complete with post traumatic muscle spasms). The infamous meat hook scene (with bonus surprise body hidden in the ice chest scare). The axe to the face. The gruesome paraplegic evisceration.

These scenes will make you jump and give you nightmares, but it’s the preceding scenes in which Hooper builds up the tension that makes it even tougher to watch. Consider the death of Pam (Teri McMinn). Her death on the meat hook and subsequent popping up in the ice chest, taken by themselves are pretty heart stopping. But let’s look how Hooper gets us there.

First there’s his Kubrickian tracking shot of her as she cautiously approaches Leatherface’s residence. Then the unsettling scene where she stumbles into the living room filled with feathers and furniture made from human bones (courtesy of Robert A. Burns’ excellent art direction). This is followed by Leatherface chasing her through the house until she runs out the door and quickly pulled back inside where her date with destiny (in this case a meat hook) awaits.

I believe this to be the best directed sequence in the whole film. Hooper bathes the interior of the house in dark beiges and ugly browns mostly using only the sunlight coming from the windows as lighting. When Pam is inside, she’s surrounded in ugly flesh tones and sickening semi-darkness and when she runs out the door, Hooper gives us a shot especially cruel to her predicament from outside looking in. I mean for a second, we actually think she’s going to escape. Momentarily the screen is filled with bright sunlight. She’s got to get out right? Wrong. Two seconds after she hits the door, Leatherface has grabbed her, bringing her back into the dingy, decaying, dark interior of the house. This scene is an exemplary example of how Hooper works over his audience (not to mention his cast). Slowly build the tension. Spring a surprise scare. Promise some escape or relief. Pull them back down into deeper into Hell. Repeat if necessary.

Or the introduction to the Hitchhiker (Edwin Neal) who is picked up in the teen’s van and proceeds to cut himself before burning photographs and waving a straight razor around. Or the truly spinetingling scene where the Cook (Jim Siedow) wraps up Sally in a burlap bag, stashes her on the floor of his truck and repeatedly pokes her with a broken broomstick.

You know ‘Saw has always been accused of being a gory disreputable horror show but die-hard fans know better. There is very little in the way of blood and gore. The only real blood we see is in the meat hook scene and only AFTER the blood has already been sprayed on the wall (and a very modest amount I might add).

Marilyn Burns’ portrayal of Sally the only survivor, was the first real scream queen of the ‘70s. Whether being chased endlessly through the woods, jumping through not one but TWO windows or screaming her head off, Burns’ role would later be duplicated hundreds of times over by hundreds of actresses (mostly notably Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween), but never topped.

Like Psycho and Deranged (released the same year as ‘Saw) it was very loosely based on Ed Gein. Hooper and Co. pass the movie off as “fact” (with a little help of a narrator played by none other than a Before-He-Was-On-Night-Court John Larroquette), which some gullible souls bought into. (This was years before Blair Witch.)

The centerpiece of the film though is the family dinner sequence. Hooper’s grating score accompanied with ever tightening close-up of Burns’ eyeball while she screams at the top of her lungs will get under your skin even after repeated viewings. The tension of that scene, culminating when the Hitchhiker holds her head in a bucket while the seemingly zombified Grandpa drops his hammer ever closer to her noggin is almost unbearable to watch.

The final section of the movie after Sally’s escape from the house moves at a frenzied machine gun pace. The Hitchhiker getting ran over by the semi. The helpful trucker clobbering Leatherface with a wrench causing him to chainsaw his own leg. Sally hopping into a passerby truck seconds away from Leatherface’s slinging chainsaw. Leatherface’s frustrated whirling chainsaw dance on an open stretch of road.

These images will forever be burned into the retina of your mind long after the film is over.

Hooper went on to a career of as many ups (Poltergeist) and downs (Spontaneous Combustion, anyone?) starting with his next feature Eaten Alive (also with Burns).

QUICK THOUGHTS:  

Watching this again, it’s still amazing how fast Tobe Hooper tosses the audience into the deep end of terror.  From the off-kilter camerawork (the tracking shot of Pam walking from the swing to the house is still one of the GOATs) to the documentarian look and feel of the film, he puts the audience in the thick of the action and never lets up.  Fifty years on, and it remains one of the quintessential horror films of all time. 

4K UHD NOTES:

My god, this transfer is a thing of beauty.  I was worried that if the film looked too good, it would rob it of its grindhouse aesthetic.  Amazingly enough, this transfer finds a happy medium.  It’s the perfect balance of sharper images and bolder colors (especially the nighttime blacks) while preserving the graininess that has always been a hallmark of the film.  In short, any horror fanfic worth their salt needs to add this to their collection. 

DAMSELVIS, DAUGHTER OF HELVIS (1994) *

Black Jesus (Adimu Ajanaku) lets loose his flock of biker gang disciples upon the Earth.  One of the badass babes has a brawl with a young, bullied girl named Damselvis (Sherry Lynn Garris), who is saved when the ghost of her father, rock singer Helvis (Brady Debussey) miraculously appears.  He then gives her a spangly jumpsuit and a motorcycle so she can stop Black Jesus and his evil minions once and for all. 

I’m all for weirdness for weirdness’ sake.  I also have a high tolerance for no-budget shot on video oddities.  And I can usually make time in my busy schedule for anything that’s only an hour long.  However, my big reaction to this hour-long weirdness for weirdness’ sake no-budget shot on video oddity is HUH?!?

It’s unfortunate too because having a lead character who is sort of like a sexy gender swapped mash-up of Elvis Presley and Evel Knievel should work.  It just… doesn’t.  It’s not just that the whole thing is so amateurish.  It’s just that nothing ever really happens, and when something finally happens, the flick still just sort of sits there like a stone.  The film’s impenetrable lore makes zero sense too (Damselvis is somehow able to resurrect dead cars?), the random solarized scenes are pointless, and the limited action scenes are pretty weak. 

In fact, the whole thing would’ve been pretty worthless if it hadn’t been for some gratuitous nudity, random lesbian scenes, and that one part where our heroine takes a leak in a field.  At only sixty-two minutes, it still drags like a sumbitch and feels at least three times that length.  If anything, it’s the only movie I can think of in which a Black Jesus turns into a werewolf, so it’s got that going for it, I guess.  

Writer/director John Michael McCarthy later went on to make Superstarlet A.D.

MAXXXINE (2024) ** ½

Pearl was one of the best horror movies to come out the chute in the last decade.  Because of that, I was really looking forward to this, the third entry in director Ti West’s trilogy.  While it’s by far the weakest entry in the series, there’s enough good stuff here to make for a marginal recommendation. 

It’s Hollywood in 1985, and former porn star Maxxxine (Mia Goth) just got her big break with a lead role in a horror movie.  Too bad a sleazy detective (Kevin Bacon) is blackmailing her about her involvement in the incident that occurred in the first film, X.  There’s also some business about a religious cult who are busy killing off her friends.  And as the cherry on top, The Night Stalker is on the loose.  It’s up to Maxxxine to make sure none of these bozos get in the way of her shot at fame. 

As you can probably tell, Maxxxine is overstuffed with ideas.  The early scenes set in Hollywood Boulevard have a cool Vice Squad/Avenging Angel vibe to them.  (The scene where Maxxxine gets the drop on a would-be rapist is the disgusting highlight.)  I also loved all the scenes involving Bacon.  He turns the scenery in every scene he’s in into an all-you-can-eat buffet.  Goth and Bacon also participate in a fun cat and mouse stalking scene set on the Universal backlot that culminates in a visit to the Bates Motel. 

While most of this is entertaining, the movie started to lose me once it entered the third act.  The stuff with the religious cult seemed a bit on the nose and the final hour lacks the punch of the first half-hour or so.  It also loses points for wasting Elizabeth Debicki in a thinly written role of a bitchy director.  Luckily, Goth and Bacon keep you watching even when the wheels are threatening to fall off.