BLACK PHONE 2 (2025) ****

Lots of films set in the ‘80s get many details of the era wrong.  In Black Phone 2, there’s a scene where a character talks about buying Duran Duran tickets and another where our hero stays up late to watch Night Flight on TV, all within the first five minutes of the movie.  I’d say the filmmakers nailed the ‘80s experience. 

Finn (Mason Thames) survived The Grabber (Ethan Hawke) and now he is trying to survive high school.  Meanwhile, his sister Gwen (Madeleine McGraw) begins having psychic dreams of kids being murdered at a snowy wilderness camp.  Together, they go to the camp to investigate and learn that the dead Grabber is trying to get to Gwen in her dreams.  The only way to stop him is to find the bodies of the slain children and finally put their souls to rest. 

I was surprised how much I liked Black Phone 2.  In fact, I enjoyed it more than the first one.  Returning director Scott Derrickson does a cool technique of upping the film grain during the dream scenes, which kinda makes them feel less like a dream and more like a movie from the ‘80s.  Many times, the film feels like a Nightmare on Elm Street sequel set at Friday the 13th’s Camp Crystal Lake in the dead of winter.  Plus, there’s a cool visual nod to the ‘80s slasher Curtains tossed in there for good measure 

So many sequels are content to repeat the same notes that made their predecessors a hit, so it’s refreshing to see one that pushes the mythology forward into unexpected directions.  Sure, some of those directions feel like a pastiche of other horror classics, but it’s an entertaining and atmospheric pastiche.  This is easily one of the best and most inventive horror sequels I’ve seen in some time.  Also, some of the gore and make-up on the mutilated kids is downright gnarly. 

Hawke does a fantastic job once again, especially considering 1) He’s always seen wearing a mask and/or gruesome make-up and 2) He’s offscreen for much of the picture.  However, his presence is still felt even when he isn’t on screen.  He’s in the characters’ heads, casting a shadow over their psyche.  The other performances are equally fine.  Thames and McGraw are quite good too, and Demian Bichir does some nice work as the owner of the camp. 

SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS GREATEST HITS (1995) *** ½

Back in the ‘90s, compilation CDs were all the rage.  Saturday Morning Cartoons Greatest Hits was an awesome compilation that was basically a bunch of alternative bands doing covers of theme songs from old Saturday morning cartoons.  I had the CD in heavy rotation back in my younger days and I eventually played the shit out of it.  I never knew there was a companion VHS tape, starring Drew Barrymore (back when she was in her sexy pixie phase).  Until now. 

This is basically just a collection of music videos for the songs found on the CD.  Naturally, there are clips from each cartoon sprinkled throughout the videos.  Most are for Hanna-Barbera productions.  Among the highlights are Matthew Sweet singing “Scooby-Doo, Where are You?”, Sublime doing “Hong Kong Phooey”, The Ramones playing “Spider-Man”, Liz Phair with Material Issue covering “The Tra La La Song” from The Banana Splits Adventure Hour, Juliana Hatfield and Tanya Donelly performing “Josie and the Pussycats”, and The Violent Femmes absolutely shredding “Eep Opp Ork-Aha” from The Jetsons. 

There really isn’t a whole lot to the videos.  Some are more thought out than others, but most are just the bands playing (sometimes in random locations like a carnival or mini-golf course or simply just standing in front of a greenscreen) with clips of the shows edited in.  They were probably rushed into production to coincide with the CD.  Not that it matters.  It’s still a lot of fun. 

The linking device has Drew and her roommates (one of whom is her longtime-producing partner Nancy Juvonen) sitting on the couch and making commentary on the cartoons and music.  Their interruptions weren’t really necessary, but they don’t detract too much from the overall experience.  Some of the cracks are kind of funny (“I like being a couch potato lounge lizard loser!”), and it’s amusing when some of the characters from the shows drop by the house.  Plus, the sight of Drew in her prime rolling around the couch in tiny shorts doesn’t hurt. 

If you’re looking for a jolt of ‘90s nostalgia filtered through the prism of ‘70s nostalgia (or vice versa), you should definitely check it out.  It’s all very Gen X coded.  If you weren’t there you might not understand. 

The complete line-up is as follows: Matthew Sweet ("Scooby-Doo, Where are You?”), Sublime (“Hong Kong Phooey”) Butthole Surfers (“Underdog”), The Ramones (“Spider-Man”), Wax (“Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy” from Ren and Stimpy), Frente (“Open Up Your Heart and Let the Sunshine In” from The Flintstones), The Murmurs (“H.R. Pufnstuf”), Face to Face (“Popeye the Sailor Man”), Collective Soul (“The Bugaloos”), Toadies (“Goolie Get-Together”), Mary Lou Lord and Semisonic (“Sugar, Sugar” from The Archies), Tripping Daisy (“Friends: Sigmund the Sea Monster”), Sponge (“Go, Speed Racer, Go”), Helmet (“Gigantor”), Liz Phair with Material Issue (“The Tra La La Song” from The Banana Splits Adventure Hour), Juliana Hatfield and Tanya Donelly (“Josie and the Pussycats”), Reverend Horton Heat (“Jonny Quest” and "Stop That Pigeon” from Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines), and The Violent Femmes (“Eep Opp Ork-Aha” from The Jetsons).

LEGENDARY PANTY MASK (1991) *** ½

Go Nagai, the wonderfully warped mind who created Kekko Kamen, brought us another outrageous and sexy superheroine.  Maboroshi Panty (Miyuki Katori) is a scantily clad crime fighter who conceals her identity by wearing a pair of panties over her face.  You know, those newfangled Marvel movies could learn a thing or two from a dude like Nagai. 

Our setting is an all-girl Catholic school in the Wild West town of Crime City that's ruled by nuns.  If you’re wondering why it’s an all-girl school, it’s because it’s an all-girl town.  No men allowed!  A stranger rolls into town and the girls welcome her as one of their own.  However, the new gal is hiding a rather… large secret.  When the evil nuns try to harm her, it’s up to superheroine Maboroshi Panty to save the day. 

The mix of Japanese schoolgirls, sexy superheroes, sadistic nuns, and Spaghetti Western is kind of irresistible, especially when all the elements crash headlong into one another.  A sterling example of this is the saloon scene.  The saloon looks like the average watering hole you’d see in an ordinary western except instead of being populated by dusty cowpokes, the bar is crowded with Catholic Japanese schoolgirls.  Oh, and they even break out into song about how much they need a man. 

Oh yeah, did I mention it’s a musical?  And that some of the musical numbers feature people in Native America dress singing public domain songs like “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” and “Ten Little Indians”?

This might’ve been an instant classic had it delivered on the T & A.  However, it’s surprisingly chaste for a movie about sadistic nuns, lesbian schoolgirls, and superwomen who wear underwear on their face.  Still, there are plenty of memorable moments here like when Panty rides through the air on a giant arrow like Harry Potter and impales a row of nuns.  Shit like that makes a movie like this virtually critic-proof.  

What more can you say about a flick featuring a panty-wearing superheroine that fights evil nuns in a western town?  I think this screengrab sums it up about as well as I could:

AKA:  Beautiful Detective Maboroshi Panty (Phantom Panty). AKA:  Maboroshi Panty. 

AMITYVILLE RIPPER (2023) ** ½

Well, it finally happened.  They’re tearing down the old Amityville Horror house.  But before they do that though, a bunch of stuff from the haunted home is going up for auction.  Marianne (Kelsey Ann Baker) is a hot goth chick who wins a knife owned by Jack the Ripper from the auction.  The night of Y2K, she invites her friend Annie (Angel Nichole Bradford) over for a seance so they can communicate with the killer’s spirit.  That also happens to be the night when Marianne’s obnoxious brother is throwing a party.  Predictably, it doesn’t take long before the resurrected Jack begins cutting up the partygoers. 

After watching Amityville Frankenstein, what has to be the worst fake Amityville movie I’ve seen thus far, I was ready to swear them off entirely.  Of course, that didn’t happen, but I must say that Amityville Ripper went a long way to restoring my faith in the genre.  While it’s not exactly what you’d traditionally call a “good” movie, it knows exactly what it is and who its audience is.  It aims low and hits the target more often than not.  More fake Amityville movies should take a page out of its playbook. 

The opening scene nicely sets the tone.  It’s made up of a lot of news reports and faux YouTube videos that humorously mention some of the more outlandish premises for fake Amityville movies, which I guess in effect, makes everything that ever happened in an Amityville movie unauthorized or otherwise canon.  The fun really begins when the film stops trying to be a typical Amityville rip-off and starts winking at the camera.  In fact, at some point it stops winking and begins blinking in Morse code with the never-ending line of fourth wall breaks. 

Amityville Ripper tries to do for fake Amityville movies what Scream did for the slasher film as it’s simultaneously a critique and an example of the genre.  The surprising thing about it is that it hits more than it misses.  Sure, many of the humorous touches land closer in Scary Movie territory, but at least its heart is in the right place.  I will say you probably have to sit through about fifty fake Amityville flicks to feel this way.  Then again, speaking as someone who has done just that, I can say with confidence this belongs in the upper echelon of Amityville rip-offs.  Heck, as uneven as most of it is, it still manages to be better than most of the “official” entries in the Amityville series. 

Near the end, a character says, “I think I’m done with Amityville movies”.  I’m happy to report that I am not.

THE BLOODY VIDEO HORROR THAT MADE ME PUKE ON MY AUNT GERTRUDE (1989) **

A guy rents a camcorder from a video store and uses it to make a snuff movie.  When he returns the equipment to the store, he accidentally leaves the tape inside the camcorder.  He comes back to get the tape and murders the owner of the store.  It doesn’t take long for the store clerk to be the police’s prime suspect.  He then sets out to clear his name, even if he has to resort to murder to do so. 

This has a great title and an interesting hook.  It’s just a shame that the amateurishness of the whole enterprise knocks it down a notch.  The humor isn’t funny, many of the characters are downright unbearable, and some of the acting is painful to watch.  It also doesn’t help that there’s only like three people in the cast and they all wear shoddy costumes, obviously fake beards, and even clown make-up to (poorly) conceal their identities. 

Director Zachary Snygg (AKA: John Bacchus, who made all those Seduction Cinema parodies) tosses in a couple of long takes and steady-cam type shots which considering the budget are rather impressive.  Even at seventy-five minutes, a little of this goes a long way and many scenes run past their expiration.  All the stuff with our hero being interrogated by the police feels static and really grinds things to a halt, and the scenes with the homeless guys near the end also feels needlessly drawn out. 

I will say the first twenty minutes or so are surprisingly good.  It’s almost enough to make you wish Snygg just took the best parts and condensed it down to a half hour short.  Either that or he cut out the humor and tried to make it into a straight crime thriller with horror elements.  Still, there’s enough promise here to suggest he’d go on to bigger and better things. 

Oh, and while there is a little bit of puke, Aunt Gertrude is nowhere to be found.  Bummer. 

Snygg made The Heaping Bouncy Breasts That Smothered a Midget the previous year. 

UNHOLY MATRIMONY (1966) **

Hal is a reporter doing an expose on wife swapping.  His editor is convinced underworld types are placing ads in swinger magazines and luring couples into compromising positions as part of an extortion racket.  He sends Hal and his girlfriend undercover (and under the covers) as wife swappers to investigate.  Their first outing is ruined by an overly pushy husband, and next couple get their kicks from listening to them get it on.  They also attend a “key party”, go skinny dipping with couples, and one swinger party goes awry when Hal gets dosed with LSD.  (The great ads played up this angle and proclaimed, “Mix S-E-X and L.S.D. and you get Unholy Matrimony!”)

In theory, the premise should work.  Too bad it’s all rather tame.  Even the episodic nature of the film wouldn’t have been such an issue had the wife swapping scenes delivered the goods.  Much of the problem has to do with the character of Hal, who is a real lout.  I mean it’s bad enough when he’s too busy banging other broads to save his partner from nearly being raped.  It’s another thing when he tries to get her in the sack later that night. 

The film suffers from a sluggish pace to begin with, but the whole thing stops on a dime when our couple take a break from their undercover work to take in a folk bubblegum combo called The Warmest Spring who sing a total snoozer called “Suddenly, You’ll Find Love”.  It’s not all bad though.  The acid freakout scene where Hal imagines he’s being whipped by a topless cowgirl is kind of fun, although it’s a long time coming.  The underwater photography during the swimming pool scene is very good too. 

The supporting cast is also memorable.  The ladies, including Indecent Desires’ Sharon Kent as a topless cheesecake model, and Monica (The Imp-Probable Mr. Weegee) Davis as a swinging wife, are lovely to look at, which makes up for some of the bumps in the road.  Unholy Matrimony is also notable for featuring actors who went on to have long careers in respectable Hollywood films such as Billy Green Bush, Alan North, and Lane Smith, all of whom appear as swinging husbands.  That doesn’t necessarily make it worth a look though. 

BIG TIT MONASTERY (1995) ****

Whenever I discover an unsung actress of WTF Cinema, I always say things like, “She should’ve been a household name!”  Well, as far as I’m concerned, Mariko Morikawa’s boobs should’ve been a household name.  (Household Boobs.  How’s that for coining a phrase?)  In the case of Mariko Morikawa, when I say, “Household Boobs”, I mean her boobs are as big as a house and I’d really like to hold them. 

If the hype is to be believed, these massive melons are a Q Cup.  The on-screen graphic (which was about the only thing I could read/understand as the copy I saw was Japanese language with Chinese subtitles) purports she has a 124cm bust, which works out to be about 49 inches.  I know Chesty Morgan had a 73-inch bust, but unlike Chesty’s rack, which was a victim to the cruelties of gravity, Morikawa’s are full bodied, robust, and unavoidable.  They’re so huge that I’m telling you now, it’s enough to make the King himself, Russ Meyer, envious. 

Morikawa’s boobs are in the first shot of the movie.  In fact, they ARE the first shot of the movie since that’s the only thing the cameraman could fit into the frame.  They are all oiled up and ready to go.  If you thought the cameraman deserved a medal for getting the entire set of colossal knockers into the frame, wait till you see the freeze frame money shot.  I don’t know the gentleman’s name, but my dude is a consummate professional. 

The next scene has Mariko in a nun’s habit.  Oh yeah, I totally neglected to mention the fact she plays a nun and the movie we are discussing today is called Big Tit Monastery.   Anyway, she stays in the outfit for exactly four seconds before she removes her robe and rubs her humongous hooters against a window, which to me is the very definition of cinema.  I don’t know how they did it, but with the framing and lighting, it actually looks like Mariko is right there rubbing her boobs on your television set.  It feels akin to being in a peepshow booth and the dancer is RIGHT THERE and the only thing separating you is a pane of glass. 

There’s another particularly awe-inspiring shot where her boobs come down at the camera from above and the angle makes it look as if she’s straddling the audience and smothering them with her blessed bosom.  I ask you, where is the 4DX version?

Turns out this was all a dream.  I usually don’t like “It was all a dream” scenes, but I really can’t fault the movie since I’m probably going to be having lots of dreams of Mariko in the near future. 

So, the guy who’s having the big boob nun dreams is this uptight dude who gets all agitated every time he sees or thinks about boobs.  A commuter on a train notices his dilemma and invites him back to his house so he can alleviate his situation by banging his big breasted wife.  Seems like the right course of action if you ask me.  Unfortunately, the visions of the nasty nun continue to haunt our hero. 

One day, a Christian missionary goes door to door to spread the word of God and knocks on his door.  Wouldn’t you know it?  It’s Mariko!  And the word she is spreading today is “Legs”.  Unfortunately, our hero lets his pal from the train bang her first.  Eventually, after a lot of fumbling around, our hero tells Mariko (and I’m paraphrasing here since the version I saw didn’t have English subtitles), “I can’t do it with you unless you dress like a nun.”

Hey, we’ve all been there. 

Fortunately for him and the audience, Mariko is only too happy to oblige, and she shows off her nasty habits (if you’re picking up what I’m putting down).  Then, the movie ends with our hero and his pal having a KY-drenched three-way with Mariko.  Not only does it conclude with the happiest of endings, it also contains what is possibly the finest final freeze frame in motion picture history. 

Oh, I guess I neglected to mention that Mariko Morikawa is only 4’ 11’.  Her diminutive height makes her bombastic bust look even larger.  She may not have the largest on record, but when you look at her boobs (and trust me, I’m looking), in proportion to the rest of her body, it’s just mind boggling. 

Compared to Chesty (the comparisons are unavoidable), whose boobs just seemed anchored down by gravity, Mariko’s astonishingly defies it.  Consider the scene where she is absolutely getting railed and they flop, bounce, and jiggle like an 8.9 on the Richter Scale.  Also, whereas Morgan always seemed disinterested and maybe a little embarrassed on camera, Morikawa is definitely into it, which helps tremendously. 

Since this is a Japanese movie, there is some “fogging” in some scenes where they blur out the naughty bits.  However, director Sachi Hamano cleverly skirts around censorship by having some hot over-the-underwear play and suggestive shots of bodily fluids leaking and/or spurting.  It should be pointed out that Hamada is a woman.  Hollywood keeps saying they need more female directors.  They should give her a call!

One issue I had with the movie is that it’s called Big Tit Monastery, but Mariko only appears in the nun’s habit in a few scenes.  (I concede there may have been something lost in translation somewhere along the way.)  I was kind of hoping there would be a whole convent full of big breasted nuns, but oh well.  With an actress who’s enormously talented like Mariko Morikawa, one big breasted nun is all you need. 

Big Tit Monastery had made me a Mariko Morikawa fan for life.  Mariko is so great in her sex scenes that when it comes to scenes elsewhere in the movie featuring actresses that are, shall we say, of more traditional proportions, they can’t come close to matching her intensity.  That’s okay because you can use these moments to catch your breath, smoke a cigarette, and/or recharge your batteries until the next Mariko scene occurs.  Since many times all that you see in the frame is Mariko’s boobs, I suggest seeing this on the biggest screen possible for maximum effect. 

So, my friends, if WTF Cinema is your religion, then Big Tit Monastery should be the temple you worship. 

AKA:  Big Boobs Monastery.  AKA:  Busty Monastery.  AKA:  Ultra Q-Cup 124cm Sister.